Killer Sperm

Harald Wiegenhogel

Killer sperm

Title of the German original version: “Kampfsperma” Translated by the author (so don’t wonder why it is so bad)

If a sperm meets an egg cell a child will be conceived. But have you ever thought about what may happen if the sperms of two gay men are meeting each other? Maybe this story will give you the answer. 

“Udo?” Bernd’s voice sounded muted from the staircase into his ear and he couldn’t wait until it was finally next to him, so that it could unfold in all its gorgeousness. Even after a relationship of two years he was still crazy about this voice that sounded so rough and masculine that you could almost feel how the air in a room was filled out with testosterone while he was speaking. “Yes, my darling” he answered with his own sissy voice that sounded more like the one of an eunuch. He hurried to leave their love cave where he had just quit to prepare everything for this evening and traipsed softly into the floor. “Wait a little bit” he said, when he heard the sounds of the keys from outside. “I’ll open the door for you, my darling.” But before he arrived at the doorknob to open the door with a movement that was almost like a little dance (as if a judge was sitting in the background and gave him points for performance) the door moved inside with a heavy and unromantic jerk and Bernd stumbled in. He had a weight of about one hundred kilos and when he fell with them on Udo, his boyfriend’s waist was bended so far backward that you could fear it might crack anytime like a plastic ruler. What a luck that he was such a bendable and agile guy! “Cool, you are already standing here” said Bernd and gave him a kiss that his hard stubbles bit deep into his smooth skin. “My god, this was such a fucking day at work!” he blustered while he was pulling out his dirty, sweaty working shirt to smash it careless into a corner of the room. His distinctive body odour almost turned Udo on more than his voice. But nevertheless he wasn’t in such a hurry to find the way to the bed. “Why are you always so rousing?” he asked after he managed it to free himself from his suffocating grasp. “Lennart, this bastard on my work just annoyed me again, today” Bernd railed. “I‘m so fucking angry with him! If I don’t do something that changes my mind immediately I will go to his house this very day and smite this guy!” “But why do you have to let out all your frustration on me?” Udo asked and backed away some steps from him. He really loved Bernd’s body, his voice and his whole charisma very much. But he didn’t like it so much when Bernd also used his concentrated masculinity in the real life without stoppages.

“Why not?” Bernd responded on Udo’s question. “What do all the pacifists teach us? Make love no war.” He took Udo’s hand. “So, let’s go! The couch is already waiting for us. Or do you have migraine again, today?” “Wait, just wait a minute, my darling” Udo said. “Of course I still want to go to bed with you, today. But not in such a stormy way. This hurry during sex destroys the whole romance. You sometimes act as if you were a rabbit at the end of the mating season, suddenly realizing that it has got a very raw deal this year.” In Bernd’s eyes you could already see that he didn’t have a good premonition for the next hours. “Oh no, don’t say, that you have such a…” he began but he was interrogated by Udo immediately. “That’s right! The candidate has one hundred points. So, come on, I want to show you the prize you’ve currently won.” “I don’t believe it!“ Bernd moaned and in the sound of his voice you could hear that he had already capitulated. “Why do you always have to pep up our love life when I feel the biggest pressure between my legs and don’t want anything else than…” “Hm, I considered again and I think that you can also wait some minutes more” said Udo who wasn’t impressed at all by Bernd’s different opinion. “I’ll give you a call as soon as I’m ready.” Not loosing a second he disappeared into the room that he called their love cave by closing the door with a big bang what was normally not typical for him at all. As soon as he was alone he began to groan. This guy, he looked so gorgeous and he also was (if he didn’t have a rage attack at the moment) a funny and nice guy, not an arsehole or a violator or something like that. It had been so disappointing for Udo when he found out that didn’t know how to use his luxurious body in a useful way. Just in and out, jerking off, staying in bed for some minutes and than it was over - this was everything he knew to do with it. When he had sex he really acted like a copulation stressed buck. Very rough and without any kind of fantasy or romance. But he also didn’t like SM or had any similar fetishes as Udo had assumed at the beginning of their relationship. First he had been relieved about that because he didn’t like such brutal things at all. But later he even began to regret that because it meant even less alternation in bed. But he also had to add that he wasn’t completely bullheaded and sometimes you could really disabuse him. At the end he even agreed to furnish the little, not often used

guest room into a love cave. Udo took care in decorating the room because he wanted it to be really romantic. He had built up a canopy bed with rose bedclothes and red heart-shaped pillows. Everywhere in the room there were now standing candles and in the shelf there was a stereo directly next to the collection of the best cuddle music. At last he had affixed star-shaped stickers on the ceiling that glowed at night so mystical. When he showed Bernd the room he was completely shocked of course and he even refused to enter the room as long as it was in this shape. He said that every normal man gets eye cancer when he sees things like that and with a face that looked as if he had to vomit every moment he turned around. But time went by and some day Udo could persuade him to spend at least one night per week there, although he still preferred the old couch in the living room. At the beginning just to give him a pleasure but in the course of time Udo had the feeling that le liked it at least a bit. Rewarded by his success from this moment on he always looked for new ways how to pep up their boring love life a bit. In a sex shop just three streets away he almost became a regular customer. And this day the time had come again. His slim fingers shivered because he was so excited when he opened a bottle of champagne and filled two glasses. He didn’t need music or candles this time because first it wasn’t already dark enough and second this would just bother them to do the things he prepared for this day. Finally he ruptured the packaging in which his new acquisition was still wrapped, put it into the miller and traipsed again to the door. “Tata!” he sang and this time he really made a little pirouette when he opened it. “And?” growled Bernd who looked around with a pretty nerved mien. “What is the big surprise that you have prepared for me? In my opinion the room looks the same as always. Very bad, I think.” He made a step into the room and directly got a glass of champagne into his hand. “A good, cool beer would taste me more after all this drudgery” he said eyeballing it doubtfully. “But it’s better than nothing.” One moment later he put the empty glass on the shelf. “Hey, you churl, this wasn’t for boozing!” Udo complained and gave him a soft hit with his spread hand. “Better look what I’ve brought for us two!” He showed him a tin that contained many pills in almost every colour. “So, please help yourself. Just choose the colour that you like most. The champagne is used as a chaser, by the way. An insider whispered into my ear that they dissolve most in such tingly waters.”

“What should this be?” Bernd asked and he wondered more and more if he really had to jerk off so badly. The swelling in his trousers shrunk with every new second. “Do you want to drug me?” “Oh, you’re such a fool!” Udo said and uttered out some affected laughs. “What else? Do you want to tell me there’s something wrong with my virility?” His eyebrows flashed him in a very threatening way but Udo just took the thing that has been the biggest seller in all the sex shops of the nation for weeks now (especially with the gay clientele) and held it in front of his boyfriend’s eyes. “A magnifier” Bernd noticed not very enthusiastically. “And what do you want to do with it, now? Do you want to look if there are any crab lice in my pubic hair?” Udo could just laugh loud and extensively. It was so typically for Bernd that he hadn’t heard about this before. Sometimes he really had the feeling to live together with a “homo neanderthalensis“. He didn’t note any trend about everyone was dishing in the scene. It was the same thing with the styling. If he hadn’t bought him sometimes something new and scrapped his old clothes he would still wear his ten-year-old shirts that had more wholes than a Swiss cheese. Although Udo didn’t like them he even spent money for boring blue, grey, black or white shirts just because he didn’t want to see him looking like a bum. He knew buying him something colourful was wasted money. No way he would go on the streets in such a dress. “This is not an ordinary magnifier” he finally explained him. “It is a sperm magnifier! Have you never heard about this before?” “A whaaat?” Bernd asked while he was scratching his balls more and more anxiously. “Boy, I don’t want to make any biological studies, the only thing I want to do at the moment is to fuck! And the only halfway useful thing you can do with a magnifier in bed is to put the stick into your arse. But for such an action I don’t need you. At a pinch I can also do this alone. So put it away so that we can finally come to the point!” Udo really obeyed but just to rustle with the pill tin more auspiciously. “Okay, now I explain to you what it’s all about” he said. “These little worms here, these aren’t any drugs or medicine. But they have still an effect on the male body. Ten or twenty minutes after taking them your sperm will have the same colour as the pill you took.” Suddenly Bernd seemed to find it funny, too. Although he didn’t really believe in it, just the idea… he fingered a green pill out of the tin.

“Do you want to tell me if I swallowed this little green thing my cum would have the same colour as the vomit of an alien?” “I’d say more like green spotted” Udo corrected him. “Green spotted like a melted mould cheese. Cause the stuff doesn’t colour the whole ejaculate, only the sperms themselves. So, do you take green? This will be so cute if my spermies are seduced by some sperms that don’t seem to be from this world.” “What the hell are you talking about?” asked Bernd. Udo sighed for a short moment. He didn’t like to explain things. The only time he had got an E is his favourite school subject German it was when it was his job to write an instruction manual. And to explain something to Bernd was an extra punishment. He mostly missed his train of thought after three sentences. It was already a luck if he listened to him at all. But after some minutes and the same number of tries he had already succeeded in explaining Bernd what was the sense (or nonsense) of a “sperm magnifier”. Its factor of enlargement was so high that you could even perceive a little sperm with its help. But you could perceive it yet better if you distinguished them with a special colour before. Especially if you wanted to mix the sperm of two different men. And this was the whole sense of it, to mix your sperm with the one of your boyfriend and afterwards watching together how they come closer, too. The pill didn’t only effect a change of colour it also contained a special substance that caused the sperms of two different men not seeing each other as rivals anymore. Quite the contrary they feel attracted to each other and develop the necessity to touch each other in a very tenderly way. Of course just the ones of the other man, not the own brothers and sisters. Even a sperm already knows a bit about decency! Udo’s eyes sparkled eagerly when he recognized that Bernd finally understood what he meant. But he didn’t seem to develop the same enthusiasm as him. “What is the sense of such a kid stuff?” he asked. “Watching tadpoles was my hobby when I was a little boy. I’m out of these ages, now.” He wanted to swoop down on Udo again to force him by soft power to put this tool away. But Udo jumped timely back, took the bottle of champagne and filled his glass again. “The sense of it, the sense of it” he mumbled. “Just imagine we go to bed and we love each other. Then we’re reaching an orgasm, you’re cumming, I’m cumming, and some minutes later everything’s over again. But just imagine we’re mixing the products of or love and with the help of the magnifier we can see that inside of our

cum our love is continued one hundred, one thousand, no, one million times! This would be so… I can’t find any words for it… it would be so wonderful, so marvellous, so…” No cheering of this world could convince Bernd, but he knew he had to concede if he still wanted to shoot his load, today. “I take black” he said, put his fingers into the tin and swallowed the pill before Udo could say his opinion about this. “Black? Huh, I hope that won’t be a shock for my spermies. Instead of some greenblooded alien sperms they will now be seduced by the ultra hard leather and latex fraction. But I think it’ll be okay. But which colour should I take? Ah… red of course! Reeeed! The colour of love, the colour of passion, the colour of…” “Come on, hurry up!” shouted Bernd who already settled back in the eye cancer causing rose bed. But suddenly Udo hesitated. “Hm, do you think it’s really good to take these pills?” he asked, turned around and looked doubtful into his eyes. “I mean… I don’t really know if… if they could damage your health. Maybe they insult hormones or things like that. What do you think about this, my sweet pie?” “Why do you ask me? I didn’t buy this garbage!” “I thought you maybe know more about such scientific things.” “If I damage my health cause you wanted to feed my with these pills but you chicken out in the last minute then we’ll get into real big trouble! So come on, if you can swallow cum so well you can also swallow this pill!” And finally the time has come to begin. So bad that they didn‘t really turn on each other. First, because Udo didn’t want to open his arse or his mouth for Bernd’s swollen dick. Second, because in his mind he lived already in the time after the climax. “Oh, I can’t wait to see our spermies rubbing each others tails” he cheered and at the same time he forgot to rub his boyfriend’s cock. Nevertheless Bernd was the first who jerked off but just because he lend himself his own hand. And although he announced this happy event a half minute before Udo realized it just in the very last second when it was too late to turn around the shot in the right direction. “Oh, you’re such a fool!” he complained. “I’ve told you one dozen times you should shoot your load on my stomach, not on your one! How should I mix it with my semen

when it’s hanging everywhere in your jungle? Sperms are something like swimming animals, no monkeys who are climbing around in the trees!” Then he even blamed him to boycott his plans deliberately and Bernd wondered if it wasn’t a better idea to beat Udo instead of Lennart, the bastard from his work. But of course he dismissed this idea immediately. By all this trouble Udo’s dick became limp as a stick of soft rubber, again. But now with the help of four different hands it wasn’t a big deal to make it hard again. But he still needed some minutes until he really jerked off. “Maybe I should try it orally” Bernd suggested. He wanted to turn his body to give him a blowjob but exceptionally Udo could be very brutal. “Are you crazy?” he screamed and bored his finger into Bernd’s huge, muscular chest. “Don’t you see how much you’re trickling? Your sperm is getting more and more liquid! If you turn around now it’ll soon be completely run away and you can begin to jerk off a second time!” “Then we’ll do it reversely. You put your dick from top into my mouth and…” “No, that doesn’t work! At the end I don’t manage it to turn around in time and my poor spermies who love light and sun get lost into your jungle, too. Furthermore I don’t trust you. At the end you’ll suck my dick so heavily that I can’t get it out of your mouth anymore. And the you‘ll swallow my cum with all my spermies and the game would be over.” “My god, if you had told me how complicated this all would be before I’d have obtained us a test tube.” “A test tube? Oh, why are you always so unromantic? I don’t want to see my spermies in a test tube! They should stay on my skin so that they know to whom they belo-lolo, oh my Bernd, my lovely Bernie, hold me, pleeeaase, I think the time has coooome!” Yes, it really had! Udo’s cum made a little flight and landed on his slippery stomach. On a normal day Bernd would have licked it off or they would have rubbed it into their body skin. But this time Udo ensured that this little white puddle was damaged under no circumstances. Than he took the magnifier he had hidden under the pillow. “Oh, look how cute it is!” he cheered after his very first look. He was so enthusiastic that he had almost dropped the magnifier. Bernd also watched through the glass but he didn’t really care about the big life on the other side. He had seen such scenes already in sex education in the biology lessons at school. He couldn’t understand why Udo

was so enthusiastic about it as if he still was a little pubescent teen. But suddenly his eyes became a bit wider, too. And then he burst out laughing! “What the hell is that?” he asked. “What do you mean?” “This little mutant in the top right corner! The one with the two tails. I have the feeling, in your balls something’s going wrong if you produce such cripples!” “That’s just normal” Udo answered unmoved. “There are sperms that are a little bit crippled. Nobody’s perfect, a sperm either.” But Bernd was still laughing. “A normal man has one dick and two balls” he said. “But this guy is completely different. What would happen if he became a real man? Would he have two dicks dangling between his legs, too?” “I’ve heard there are also sperms who have one dick and two eggs, just like a normal adult man” Udo responded. “But that’s not normal, either. It’s when two sperms are grown together at their tails. Like Siamese twins.” “Really?” Bernd asked. “Do you have that, too?” Suddenly he seemed to be really interested and watched with wide eyes through the magnifier while Udo was fingering in his stomach jungle searching for some rests of his cum. “I’m ready!” he said excitedly, then he dropped a bit of Bernd’s sperm into his own puddle. He gave the magnifier to his boyfriend because he needed both his hands to embrace him. “Oh, I’m so happy!” he cheered and gave him a little kiss. “This will be the most beautiful and most romantic love film of my life. And the best of it is that it is all happening in reality!” Afterwards he didn’t notice his boyfriend anymore. His whole mind seemed to be in the world on the other side of the magnifier. But he could search and search he didn’t find any black sperm between all the red ones. That was a little pity, of course, but he felt a bit Schadenfreude, too. “It’s not me, it’s you who have assembly problems in your balls” he said. “Maybe my testicles produce some cripples, but this is still better than nothing at all!” “Whaaaaat?” Bernd was completely shocked! Of course he could never accept such a diagnosis. He moved the magnifier again and again. You cannot imagine how relieved he felt when he finally found out that there was no reason for him to feel humiliated in his male self-esteem. He had found a black colony! They had founded a dark island in

an endless red ocean. But none of the different sperms seemed to have the need to make new friends. Only the red ones cared a bit about the black strangers, but probably they were too shy for really approaching them. Always before they had touched them they moved back as if they were a bit afraid of them. “It seems that these pills don’t work” Bernd said. “Yes, the sperms did change their colours but…” “Shhht!” Udo hissed into his ear. “I think one of yours is just moving.” And really! Finally one of Bernd’s sperms decided to leave the circle of its brothers and sisters and explored a new stretch of water. And its first try to make a contact was also rewarded by much interest on the other side. At least five of Udo’s sperms neared it, too, and formed a half circle around the stranger. Udo was so happy that he liked to kiss Bernd again. Now he would finally get the confirmation that only Bernd, and no one else than him, was the right man for him! If even their sperm cells loved each other full of passion than there couldn’t be anything else going wrong between them. But he mustn’t kiss him because in this best moment of his whole live it would have been a real tragedy if it was his fault if Bernd moved the magnifier so that he missed this great moment. Oh, poor Udo, it was so bitter for him that his biggest desire didn’t want to become true. And poor Bernd, too, although at this moment he began to laugh as if he had never seen something funnier in his life before. But at this time he couldn’t guess what this would all mean for him and for their future relationship. Their sperm cells didn’t think one moment about imitating the feelings of their producers. At the beginning it almost looked as if they wanted to kiss each other but obviously this was just a need of the red sperms. Before their heads could touch each other Bernd’s black sperm suddenly turned around and put its end piece into the head of the middle read one. “Aaaah, what is he doing?” Udo screamed. He… he ist killing him, this… this evil ruffian!” “Where?” Bernd asked and his upper body moved to the front. “Where, where, where? I haven’t seen anything at all.” Completely excited he looked through the glass but he had moved the magnifier so much that he could only see Udo’s skin cells and cropped rudiments of body hair. When he moved the magnifier back he couldn’t immediately find the right place, of course. So he saw a part of the big red ocean where Udo’s sperms slowly swam

around not knowing what happened to one of their brothers just some millimetres away. But nevertheless Bernd didn’t have to search for his own sperms anymore. Suddenly two of his potential kids arrived at the bottom edge of the pictures. They were fast like rockets and stampeded the big red masses from one moment to the other. But although they seemed to be in a hurry they still had enough time and energy to swivel their tails and kill some of the obviously unloved specimen of the other side. Sometimes their end pieces hit the middle of the opponent’s heads so that they were cut into two pieces or spiked whereupon the red sperm (if it was still alive) floundered like a maniac trying to liberate itself. But the black sperms didn’t want to have a cumbrous cadaver at their end pieces, too. Maybe they could have looked like raw shashlik spits if they hadn’t dashed them away immediately. Of course the damaged opponents didn’t survive a long time after such a torture. After some last frantic convulsions they stopped moving. It also sometimes happened that Bernd’s sperms hit their enemies in the middle of their body so that tail and head were separated. “Ugh, they’re chopping their cocks” Bernd said and for a moment he acted as if he was really disgusted. But then he couldn’t control himself anymore. He had to snore with laughter that the picture was tarnished with the drops of his spittle. Udo however was so horrified that he hadn’t spoken for a long moment. But now he looked into Bernd’s face flashing full of outrage. “Do you think that’s funny?” he asked. Bernd knew it was too late to deny this. And the result was that Udo felt even more hurt. Bernd was much stronger and especially more able to resist than himself. For him it had been a big evidence for his love that even in the biggest argument he would never have used it to scuffle with him. But suddenly this trust was destroyed. He just watched his sperms massacring the ones of his sweetheart in the most brutal and shameful way and he didn’t even try to stop these beasts! He didn’t feel a bit ashamed of them, he didn’t apologize for them, no, he just thought that this was really, really funny. “I don’t think that’s funny” Udo said weeping. “That’s… that’s absolutely not nice what your sperms are doing with my ones. How… how can you just laugh at it? I thought you loved me!” “Cool down!” Bernd answered. “It’s not my fault that your weenies don’t know how to defend themselves… Boaaaah, did you see this? One of mine killed three of yours with just one strike!” He prickled him in an archly way but Udo felt completely disconsolately.

“That’s… that’s just outrageous! I don’t want to see it anymore. Tell them immediately to stop this! My poor, poor spermies! Oh dear, how could I just put them together with your rowdy gang?” “I think it’s cool. Although I’d never have imagined it could be such a great fun at the beginning. It’s one of the most exciting war films I’ve ever watched! I think we should do it another time.” “Never!” Udo screamed. “Never again my poor cute spermies will be together with your bad boys! They are a very bad company for them and will just teach them bad manners.” “No way! Your little sissies are running away like a flushed swarm of birds if one of my killer sperms is just within sight. They even don‘t have the courage to defend themselves with one hundred against one.” He watched the battleground another time and saw that the big black colonies didn’t exist any longer. Every sperm made its own campaigns through the red empire. Like a pack of wolves that entered a much bigger herd of sheeps and yet was the winner at the end. The surviving red ones now had no place to hide anymore because the enemy was everywhere. It was anyway very difficult to find out what of the red was still alive and what was a cadaver. “It’s good that you’ve chosen red” Bernd said and massaged his boyfriend’s shoulder with rough tenderness. “That makes the splatter scenes even more authentic. It’s just a fucking shit that the cold war is already over! We could have made millions with it by selling this as an anti-communist propaganda film. But maybe we can also offer it Angela Merkel for her next election capaign.” But now enough was enough! “You’re such a mean, mean guy!” Udo shouted, gave him a little hitch, jumped out of the bed and searched in the shelf for a handkerchief. “Oh, my poor, little sweethearts” he wailed. “If I could I would rescue all of you. But unfortunately I can’t. So I think it’s better to quit this torture as soon as possible.” He cleaned his stomach with the handkerchief, then he went back to the bed to take his shirt that was still hanging on the bed edge. He didn’t waste one moment to look into Bernd’s eyes. “What’s going on?” he asked with an impish smile. “Do you want to play the she-goat again?” “Just shut up, you evil guy! You ruined my whole day, you and your reckless offspring.”

Bernd’s smiling died, but Udo didn’t note it anymore because he was already on his way back. One moment later the house was rumbled by the door and poor Bernd who didn’t really know what he had done wrong stayed back alone in the rose fag bed.