Journey Of Alcoholism Part 2

Journey of Alcoholism Part II Need It.... Want It.... Ready.... One Woman's Truth About The Addiction Illness

By: Wendy Silva June 3, 2009

After I became part of a 12 step group, I tried to follow their suggestions as I was sure this would lead me back to the normal life I once knew. The people, the meetings, the new social life surrounded by people whose focus was drinking was all very appealing to me. I kept hearing their program is a "selfish one" and "meeting makers make it". I asked a woman to 'sponsor' me although I didn't fully understand why or what I was supposed to do for her. She told me to call her when I Needed her and truth be told, I never did. I read the 'steps' which hung proudly on the wall, and the 1st, 3rd and 12th were the only ones which made some sense to me. So, those are the ones I chose to follow. First, I admitted I was powerless of alcohol and my life was unmanageable. Didn't I buy more liquor than I used to? I wasn't really paying attention and on top of things like I used to be and I managed to spend quite a bit of money on booze! Yes, powerless and unmanageable concerning booze, that's me.

The 3rd step was about turning my life and will over to the care of God. Now, I did believe in God, although when my first husband died I was very angry at Him. I thought if He didn't care enough about me to let me keep my husband, I wasn't going to invest time in Him. But, I decided to think about God again and for me, that was turning myself over to Him. Today I realize I was turning myself towards Him, not over.

The 12th step was helping others. Since I was a nurse and a mom, I figured I had this one all wrapped up already so why not get credit for it! The rest of the 12th step was about carrying the message. I fully intended on telling those with any concerns regarding drinking about this club and the meetings so again, I was

covered. I stayed around that club house and that particular meeting for about a year. I must admit they were a fun group and I felt strangely at home there. John and I tried to make our marriage work but he continued to take pills and drink, I successfully abstained. We eventually separated permanently as I found it very difficult to be around liquor.

Throughout this period I had many adventures, but those would surely fill another book. Suffice it to say, John and I stayed friends and raised our son right up until his passing of cancer a short time later. The shocking news that he had a rare, fast spreading cancer and would leave me to raise another son alone, sent me into another tailspin.

I continued to go to the meeting rooms, my career really took off and I took every bit of credit for it. I, you see, was the greatest thing since sliced bread- Just ask me. I was accomplishing greater things than I did while with either husband! In my head, that made it all the easier to blame them for my lot in life so far. I went into what i called 'overdrive', trying to be both mom and dad to our sons. Spending a great deal of money was paramount. My reasoning was, if they didn't notice the lack of 'things', then perhaps they wouldn't notice he was gone and we were, in fact, alone again.

Back at the clubhouse, I made it to my 5:30pm meeting everyday. Since I was in the habit of drinking as soon as I walked into my front door after work, I was unable to go home until after 7pm. I noticed that by changing one single habit it was a great help in my not starting or craving the drink.

The meeting clubhouse was also a great place to hang out. You have to change people, places and things. But remember, I wasn't a big club person. Most of my drinking was done at home. So, it was nice to get out and socialize. Although I was still under the impression I needed only to get back to drinking the way I used to and this short abstinence would readjust my "liquor consumption barometer".

Many people are lonely, having lost spouses, families and old friends, due to the addiction illness so the meeting rooms, I found, are also their answer to a dating service! Some told me openly, with disdain- be careful, some meetings are just like a "meat market". Others told me to beware of "13 steppers"- men with many years of "sobriety" and prey on vulnerable woman with under a year. Apparently, it's common to get side-tracked and get involved in anything and everything to avoid dealing with my personal issues to painful to acknowledge yet. Well, the obvious happened, that is where I met husband # 3 and that was also the beginning of a fast and furious downward spiral leading to Wanting It....

By now I was now 'sponsorless,' since I never did call the woman I asked to sponsor me nor did she call me. I didn't even see her in the rooms to ask if I was doing this or that right. I just assumed I was because they kept telling me to, "just keep coming back", which I did. They told me to 'keep the plug in the jug', which i also did. They told me to get 'new people, places and things' around me, did it; they were now my new friends and family. They had plaques on the walls with little three word phrases in them, I had no clue what they meant cause

pretty much everything they said sounded foreign to me. They also had an empty picture frame on the wall which they said was for the 'person who drinks successfully again'! Well, if the frame is there, they must expect it to one day be filled, right? I never asked any questions for fear I would appear ignorant and everyone else was rather jovial and making it look easy so...it must be.

Husband #3 was an interesting fellow. The first time he spoke, he was concerned about his federal court case outcome. He looked so lost, so hopeless...another great project for me to attack and bring the message of sobriety to! What started as 'reaching out my hand in fellowship' ended up in being a dangerous, abusive relationship. I was brought into the fast paced world of the 'mob' and all the 'benefits' an association like that brings one. However, it's by the grace of God I escaped with my life.

We remained sober and attended meetings on a regular basis for a while. Within 9 months, we were married. Once married, as a 'wife' I was welcomed into his secret world. I met people others only read about in the newspaper. I had no idea I was having dinners with heads of 'families', meeting 'collectors' or 'button-men'! They all had families and for all intense and purposes, looked like the family next door. I saw they had beautiful homes, children at boarding schools, dressed in expensive clothes and I was treated like a queen. Ok, I did begin to notice my husband grabbing the ski mask when he left, in the dead of summer. I did over-hear conversations of large amounts of money 'earned', that so in so is a 'rat' and someone else is getting 'clipped'. Many funny names were used as well. It seemed no one had a normal, everyday common name. They

called each other slang names like, the Wrench (i figured he was the mechanic) and Lefty (obviously left handed), Ribs (perhaps had broken ribs?) or Don the dress-maker (self-explanatory). I also noticed when preparing to engage in his hobbies, such as golf, boating or fishing he generally would kiss me good-bye and tell me, if i'm not back by 6pm.. I won't be back!?

It took a while to figure out what all that meant but the longer I lived with him the clearer those statements became. You see, my husband is an alcoholic and also has a big mouth when drunk. The world in which I now lived only survived because of secrecy. An alcoholic with a big mouth is a liability to everyone, especially the men in charge who could go to prison for a very long time if what my husband so freely said was heard by the wrong people. His violent nature came out, in all it's glory, about 6 months after we married. The more he drank, the worse it got.

The abuse didn't start out as anything more than a shove. Usually it would be during an argument and he would say, 'get away from me' and shove me away. But, I noticed he started drinking as soon as he arrived home and the more he drank the worse it was for me. The shove soon turned into choking which happened the day I did something he didn't want me to do. I was eating dinner and we were discussing the day's events. In the middle of talking, he got up and lunged at me. Suddenly his hands were around my throat and the piece of steak I was chewing got caught in mid-swallow. But, he apologized later for what he had done, promising to never let it happen again. Anyone whose been involved in the abusive cycle knows how this turns out.

My part in this was my drinking was becoming more frequent also. My husband introduced me to the world of 'nips' and I was in love. Now we always kept assorted nips in the freezer so when the desire to have a nice cold mixed drink hit, we were prepared. As usual with us alcoholics, the mix drink decreased in 'mix' and increased in number of nips. Pretty soon I was drinking them right out of the bottle right along with my husband.

I became someone I didn't recognize for the first time in my life. I was meeting him head on and throwing things, breaking things, punching and was now deep in the cycle of 'the abusive relationship'. Love, abuse, regret, apology and stating over and over how we had to stop. Not even waking up to a knife blade at my throat, with my husband whispering in my ear, 'do you have any last requests?' 'You are going to die tonight', did I realize it was probably a good idea to get away from him. I knew if I could only do things right, as in not upset him, this would stop.

I seeked counseling to learn how to be a good wife and was blessed with a wise woman who pegged me right away as someone not only in an abusive relationship but I had all the symptoms of being molested and abused as a child. I would remain in sessions with her for 5 years. How she put up with me, I'll never know. Looking back the frustration she must've felt working with me! My mind was so messed up. so irrational- I really did need to be restored to sanity!

Throughout the three remaining years, I was to married to him, my life became

completely unmanageable. I couldn't stop drinking nor could I not start. I was now a black-out drinker and the meetings rooms became a thing of the past. I believed they had no idea what they were talking about.

During this time I also had a knee injury which after 8 unsuccessful surgeries, I was declared totally disabled. I used assistive devices to walk and would end up in a wheelchair one day. In addition to my drinking, I now had an opiate patch put on me. This, patch which i changed every two days, was the highest dose of opiate available and was the only reason I could do the 'mom & dad' job I was left with. It enabled me to get around without excruciating pain and get the food, keep the clothes clean and the house kept.

The end of those years I was out of control. The end came when I managed to make it into a hotel room where I had decided I could no longer live with or without alcohol. The added opiate in my system brought this ultimate conclusion quicker than had I not had the patch on. I had everything set, how I would do it, when i would do it. I disappeared from everyone and drank all I could get my hands on. I took the combination of pills I knew to be lethal to the normal person. Laid down on the bed, prayed to God to end my life quickly and fell off to sleep.

The next morning I awakened to a knock on my door. I was confused and wondered where I was. Opening the door, there stood the desk clerk asking if I was going to pay the room rent. I advised him I already paid for the day, when I checked in. By the look he gave me, I knew something wasn't right. As he said,

'but you've been here for three days' my heart sank. I quickly recovered and said, no problem, I'll be up front in a minute.

As I sat on the bed wondering where all the food scattered around the room came from and saw the empty liquor bottles,....did I really drink all that? Didn't I take those pills? Did I forget? So many thoughts buzzing around my head. But suddenly, there came a moment where I felt complete terror, immense bewilderment, total despair and utter frustration. How could this not have worked?? I was dazed. I knew it was over, I was over. I had no more cards to play. No more battles to fight. I was done. Up until this point, I was like an untalented boxer who prays before going into the ring, not to win the fight- but to keep from getting so badly beaten up as he did during the last fight!!

I packed my clothes, went to the front desk, paid my bill and asked, 'where is the nearest hospital?'

Now I Wanted it......