Jokes Saucy
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Jokes
Saucy
Saucy Jokes Get Ready to Groan With this Wizard selection …
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Version date:
Feb 2002
Collated by:
http://Gasonga.com/
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Jokes
Saucy
Bestsellers for Bettie Page from Amazon.com Betty Page Confidential by Stan Corwin Productions Bunny Yeager
List Price: $14.95 Our Price: $10.47 Sales Rank: 33,303 - Avg. Rating: 4.1 (out of 5) Released: August, 1994 - ISBN: 0312109407 The Real Bettie Page: The Truth About the Queen of Pinups by Richard Foster
List Price: $14.95 Our Price: $10.47 Sales Rank: 151,701 Released: May, 1999 - ISBN: 0806520752 Bettie Page: Queen of Hearts by Jim Silke Lyn Silke Lynn Adair Bunny Yeager Paula Klaw Dave Gibbons Rick Geary
List Price: $19.95 Our Price: $13.97 Sales Rank: 84,029 - Avg. Rating: 2.9 (out of 5) Released: November, 1995 - ISBN: 1569711240 The Real Bettie Page: The Truth About the Queen of the Pinups by Richard Foster
Our Price: $21.95 Sales Rank: 131,099 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5) Released: November, 1997 - ISBN: 1559724323 Bettie Page: The Life of a Pin-Up Legend by Karen Essex James L. Swanson Bettie Page
Our Price: $40.00 Sales Rank: 254,592 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: February, 1996 - ISBN: 1881649628 Bettie Page: Queen of the Nile by Jim Silke
Our Price: $12.95 Sales Rank: 1,128,168 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: 06 December, 2000 - ISBN: 1569714738 Bettie Page Beach Towel by Dark Horse Comics
Our Price: $24.99 Sales Rank: 2,531,993 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5) Released: May, 2002 - ISBN: 1569717095 Bettie Page Lunch Box 2 by Dark Horse Comics Bunny Yeager
Our Price: $24.95 Sales Rank: 1,340,978 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: February, 2002 - ISBN: 1569717125 Bettie Page Lunch Box (Bettie Page) by Bunny Yeager
Our Price: $19.95 Sales Rank: 1,579,590 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: October, 1999 - ISBN: 1569717117 Bettie Page Coaster Set (Bettie Page) by Bunny Yeager
Our Price: $12.99 Sales Rank: 1,187,002 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: April, 2001 - ISBN: 1569717109
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HIEROGLYPHICS TRANSLATION A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says : "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
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YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk with. God said he was going to give him a companion, and this person would be a woman. He said this woman will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make; she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them; she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement; she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history.
THE ALLIGATOR A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head the beer bottle".
THE PANDA A panda bear walks into a sports bar, has a sandwich, has a drink and then pulled out a gun. He shots up the mirrors, glasses, scares the customers and then turns to leave. "Hey, where you're going?" yells the manager. "I'm a panda bear. Look it up!" he shouts as he walks through the door. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and finds the entry for Panda. It says, "Panda bear, a tree-dwelling animal with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves!"
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PINNOCHIO One day, Pinnochio and his girl friend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girl friend. So he asked her, “What's the matter, baby?" Pinnochio's girl friend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever metbut every time we make love, you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinnochio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls". To which Pinnochio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"
THE VET A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, out of breath "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, ""IT JUST STOPPED ME!"
MODEST YOUNG LASS The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
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RENT FOR APARTMENT A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) It had never been occupied; 2) That there was plenty of heat; 3) That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady! He paid the $500 RENT.
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WHERE'S THE "BC" THERE was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: DEAR MADAM, I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where everyone can see you. Remember, we are a friendly community. Sincerely, The Campground Owner.
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THE SILLY SECTION …
DOCTOR: I'm afraid you've got a dodgy ticker PATIENT: Thank Goodness. I was afraid there might be something wrong with my heart.
DOCTOR: Did that medicine I gave your uncle straighten him out? PATIENT: Certainly did. They buried him yesterday.
DOCTOR: Did you hear about the X-ray specialist married one of his patients’? PATIENT: I bet everybody wondered what he saw in her !
LODGER: I'd like to complain about the facilities in this hotel - They’re practically non-existent. LANDLADY: Well, well. Who's got up on the wrong side of the floor this morning?
SPEEDING I Guys is doing 120mph in a 65 zone, so he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over. The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen" "Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed "I thought you were trying to bring her back."
JUST A KISS Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill!"
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MAGIC ROUNDABOUT There's a hush over The Magic Roundabout today; Brian, the snail is in hospital for radical surgery; he's having his shell removed in a life saving operation. In an earlier press conference Dylan, Brian's nominated spokesman, had only this to say, "Like, hey man, Brian's cool. He said earlier that he's recovering fine, but just feeling a little sluggish"
THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS.... 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on. 3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it. 4. All things equal, fat people use more soap. 5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle. 7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. 9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening. 15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 16. No one shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious. 17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it. 20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler. 22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. 23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. 24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it. 26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 27. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 30. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
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THE ENGLISH TEACHER An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
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THE OLD COUPLE An old couple, both in their 80's, are on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year- olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been ‘at it’ for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that Bloody fence wasn't electric."
Bad Hair day A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a London bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit, points at the people and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” The bar goes silent as people try to ignore her. But a drunk in the corner slams his hand on the counter and shouts, “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons again points at them all, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slaps his money down and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!” The bartender approaches the drunk and says, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’” “As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replies, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
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The Cherokee chief The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.” The chief nodded. The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?” The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.” The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
Maths A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
Advertising Definitions … You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say: "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says: "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say: "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say: "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
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A guide to Dating Terms Dating Term Attraction Love at first sight Dating
Birth control
Easy Prig Eye contact
Friend Indifference Interesting Irritating habit
Irritating habit
Law of relativity Nymphomaniac Frigid Sober Nag
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Meaning The act of associating horniness with a particular person. What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. A term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw, which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
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Three old ladies Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves, when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke.... Then the second old lady had a stroke... And the third old lady, well... she just couldn't reach that far.
End
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Saucy
Saucy Jokes Get Ready to Groan With this Wizard selection …
Version:
1/00
Version date:
Feb 2002
Collated by:
http://Gasonga.com/
Version: 1/00
Page No: 1
Jokes
Saucy
Bestsellers for Bettie Page from Amazon.com Betty Page Confidential by Stan Corwin Productions Bunny Yeager
List Price: $14.95 Our Price: $10.47 Sales Rank: 33,303 - Avg. Rating: 4.1 (out of 5) Released: August, 1994 - ISBN: 0312109407 The Real Bettie Page: The Truth About the Queen of Pinups by Richard Foster
List Price: $14.95 Our Price: $10.47 Sales Rank: 151,701 Released: May, 1999 - ISBN: 0806520752 Bettie Page: Queen of Hearts by Jim Silke Lyn Silke Lynn Adair Bunny Yeager Paula Klaw Dave Gibbons Rick Geary
List Price: $19.95 Our Price: $13.97 Sales Rank: 84,029 - Avg. Rating: 2.9 (out of 5) Released: November, 1995 - ISBN: 1569711240 The Real Bettie Page: The Truth About the Queen of the Pinups by Richard Foster
Our Price: $21.95 Sales Rank: 131,099 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5) Released: November, 1997 - ISBN: 1559724323 Bettie Page: The Life of a Pin-Up Legend by Karen Essex James L. Swanson Bettie Page
Our Price: $40.00 Sales Rank: 254,592 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: February, 1996 - ISBN: 1881649628 Bettie Page: Queen of the Nile by Jim Silke
Our Price: $12.95 Sales Rank: 1,128,168 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: 06 December, 2000 - ISBN: 1569714738 Bettie Page Beach Towel by Dark Horse Comics
Our Price: $24.99 Sales Rank: 2,531,993 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5) Released: May, 2002 - ISBN: 1569717095 Bettie Page Lunch Box 2 by Dark Horse Comics Bunny Yeager
Our Price: $24.95 Sales Rank: 1,340,978 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: February, 2002 - ISBN: 1569717125 Bettie Page Lunch Box (Bettie Page) by Bunny Yeager
Our Price: $19.95 Sales Rank: 1,579,590 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: October, 1999 - ISBN: 1569717117 Bettie Page Coaster Set (Bettie Page) by Bunny Yeager
Our Price: $12.99 Sales Rank: 1,187,002 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: April, 2001 - ISBN: 1569717109
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HIEROGLYPHICS TRANSLATION A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says : "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
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YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk with. God said he was going to give him a companion, and this person would be a woman. He said this woman will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make; she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them; she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement; she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history.
THE ALLIGATOR A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head the beer bottle".
THE PANDA A panda bear walks into a sports bar, has a sandwich, has a drink and then pulled out a gun. He shots up the mirrors, glasses, scares the customers and then turns to leave. "Hey, where you're going?" yells the manager. "I'm a panda bear. Look it up!" he shouts as he walks through the door. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and finds the entry for Panda. It says, "Panda bear, a tree-dwelling animal with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves!"
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PINNOCHIO One day, Pinnochio and his girl friend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girl friend. So he asked her, “What's the matter, baby?" Pinnochio's girl friend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever metbut every time we make love, you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinnochio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls". To which Pinnochio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???"
THE VET A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, out of breath "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, ""IT JUST STOPPED ME!"
MODEST YOUNG LASS The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
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RENT FOR APARTMENT A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) It had never been occupied; 2) That there was plenty of heat; 3) That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady! He paid the $500 RENT.
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WHERE'S THE "BC" THERE was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: DEAR MADAM, I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where everyone can see you. Remember, we are a friendly community. Sincerely, The Campground Owner.
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THE SILLY SECTION …
DOCTOR: I'm afraid you've got a dodgy ticker PATIENT: Thank Goodness. I was afraid there might be something wrong with my heart.
DOCTOR: Did that medicine I gave your uncle straighten him out? PATIENT: Certainly did. They buried him yesterday.
DOCTOR: Did you hear about the X-ray specialist married one of his patients’? PATIENT: I bet everybody wondered what he saw in her !
LODGER: I'd like to complain about the facilities in this hotel - They’re practically non-existent. LANDLADY: Well, well. Who's got up on the wrong side of the floor this morning?
SPEEDING I Guys is doing 120mph in a 65 zone, so he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over. The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen" "Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed "I thought you were trying to bring her back."
JUST A KISS Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill!"
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MAGIC ROUNDABOUT There's a hush over The Magic Roundabout today; Brian, the snail is in hospital for radical surgery; he's having his shell removed in a life saving operation. In an earlier press conference Dylan, Brian's nominated spokesman, had only this to say, "Like, hey man, Brian's cool. He said earlier that he's recovering fine, but just feeling a little sluggish"
THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS.... 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on. 3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it. 4. All things equal, fat people use more soap. 5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle. 7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. 9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening. 15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 16. No one shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious. 17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it. 20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler. 22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate. 23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. 24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it. 26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 27. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 30. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
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THE ENGLISH TEACHER An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
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THE OLD COUPLE An old couple, both in their 80's, are on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year- olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been ‘at it’ for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" "No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that Bloody fence wasn't electric."
Bad Hair day A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a London bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit, points at the people and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” The bar goes silent as people try to ignore her. But a drunk in the corner slams his hand on the counter and shouts, “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons again points at them all, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the same little drunk slaps his money down and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!” The bartender approaches the drunk and says, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?’” “As far as I’m concerned”, the drunk replies, “any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
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The Cherokee chief The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.” The chief nodded. The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?” The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.” The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
Maths A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
Advertising Definitions … You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say: "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says: "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say: "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say: "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
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A guide to Dating Terms Dating Term Attraction Love at first sight Dating
Birth control
Easy Prig Eye contact
Friend Indifference Interesting Irritating habit
Irritating habit
Law of relativity Nymphomaniac Frigid Sober Nag
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Meaning The act of associating horniness with a particular person. What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. A term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw, which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
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Three old ladies Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves, when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke.... Then the second old lady had a stroke... And the third old lady, well... she just couldn't reach that far.
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