Issue 9

A Word from Our Leader

Well it doesn’t seem like 5 minutes since we were wishing each other merry Christmas and already January has passed us by. Well a bit about last year, the works finished 300,000 up on Green and 16,000 up on fired so with careful budgeting the works finished above budget on cash generated. Health and Safety we had a good year and people took to the new initiatives, bump caps etc very well. So I would like to thank you all for all your efforts in putting Swillington in the lime light for the right reasons. But the high standards set has to be maintained, so a renewed effort in 2007 is needed. Planning applications for the new works is progressing and a visit from the local MP to meet the planning team and a works visit conducted by I Ball and D Fox went well to gain his support. The start of the year has been a torrid affair putting us behind, the blessing being that we have all year to catch up hopefully the magic pixies that hampered us so far have been put to bed and the plant can run smoothly as last year. One final point I would like to make is that Swillington only operates well when we all do our bit and work as a team, we win together and we lose together. So all the best for 2007 EMPLOYEE OF YEAR 2006

THE

Interview with dennis fox 1of4

I started work in 1970 working with Walter Hemmingway on a milling machine making pressed bricks, they were a lot better days them, we were situated at Robin Hood but we got to work all over the place, Howley Park, Thorpe, here at Swillington. In those days we worked with a load of nutcases, all looneys which the wagon drivers picked up, I remember working with one bloke who had murdered his mum. It was a bit more laid back too in them days and there was none of this Health and Safety crap for everything where even window cleaners need harnesses and safety nets, I mean I agree with a bit of Health & Safety but now its just gone too far. Amitages was a really good family to work for, and we would all set off from our base at Robin Hood where all the fit birds worked and travel out to different works and work on them old machines that were covered in this really thick black grease – I would love to see one of them old machines again. Most of my best memories come from when I worked at Robin Hood and old Pavey took a drain plug out of this cylinder even though we warned him of the consequences anyway it reminded me of that joke where the monkey is trying to plug a elephants arse with a rubber bung. Pavey got well and truly drenched in oil! We used to do steel erecting as well in fact it was us who built the specials plant at Howley Park, there is a fault on that building but the only one who knows about it is long dead.

Another time we were all sat supping tea from our tea making machine but we couldn’t understand where all this rattling was coming from, anyway it turns out Nak had put all these pistons in our tea machine to release the gudgeon pins and we knew nothing of it and had been drinking tea out of the machine all afternoon, Hiy he was a c*nt was Nak, still is as a matter of fact. Do you know why hes called Nak well… {rest of passage censored by M Brayford}. Another time we were all at a party over in Wakefield and this lass was well known for her antics when she got drunk, well Nak was stood beside her and took one look at his watch and remarked to her with the sideways expression he uses “Well I hope you are going to get your tits out soon I got to be off by half past nine” another time he got into a bit of bother for asking her if you need to be a fat b*stard with acne to have any chance in her book. I think one of my worst memories was leaving Robin Hood and coming to Swillington after I personally was responsible for closing it down… Well one of the Marshalls blokes was walking past me one morning all smart with his posh briefcase, well he cant have had his leg over that night and he asked me what I was doing. Well at that point I had just stopped work to have a chat with this lad called Burty and well I went through all the drawings with this posh marshals bod with the briefcase and upon concluding he asked Burty if he was stopping me from working. Burty answered “Well technically, yes I am stopping him from working” anyway this guy must have been a high ranking employee because he took huff and shut the place down. I thought of another funny moment when I was working at Robin Hood, well I was in charge of changing light bulbs you see and the women there would get you to go over to their desks under false pretences. One day this lovely young lass asked me, over the phone to change her light bulb and I asked her what type and she answered she wanted “screw in” anyway I soon rushed over there! 2of4

Another time I wanted a 40W light bulb and I phoned up Carol to see if she had any, well Carol called me over with a tartan skirt right up to her crutch piece and said that they don’t appear to have any but they have loads of 100W and 60W bulbs but would I care to follow her up into the storeroom. Well the steps up there were really steep and has I followed her I was so tempted to grab her arse but I was also scared of the consequences , I could either of been married to her now or not here, I still have a sweat on thinking about it. Mick Brayford, yes he has always been a really good fair boss, I only found out other day about him being nicknamed the general, and Toddy well I would of loved a photo of that sight bob saw when he had a peek through the window one morning and caught him having a hump with their lass. Well if I won the lottery what would I do? I think I would look for a property that has a stream running through the back garden because I love the sound of running water and a large garage and buy a load of old bikes and cars I definitely wouldn’t come back here and I wouldn’t work my notice either but I would pop back to retrieve all the belongings I have leant to the company over the years. By life after death you are asking is consciousness a sole result of the specific configuration of matter of a living brain, or do some forms of consciousness or experience remain present in the matter and energy that used to be a living brain? If the mind and the brain are not completely interdependent, then it is not certain that the subjective experience of a being's consciousness ends at the time of death, which means that scientific biology and psychology may not necessarily rule out theories involving a soul or existence after death. One new aspect of the debate is the possibility of creating an artificial intelligence, raising new questions about what it means to be alive, conscious, dead, and resurrected. In a nut shell I think no dead is dead. My nicknames, the only ones I am aware of are “little den den” which is probably in reference to

my physical stature and “Eddie Wright” which I haven’t got a clue about its origins. The music I like, well “Bat Out Of Hell” by Meatloaf is one fantastic song and I can sit quietly and watch that Madonna Video where she is in the gym for hours, err Hung Up its called which exactly describes me while watching it. My hobbies are keeping fit and Motorcycling and I have a lovely YZF1000R1 or more commonly called simply “R1” which is much faster than Billys and I would also like to mention that I don’t think beast has found a forward gear. I went to the Isle Of Man last year and it was just like going with the kids on holiday, the fastest speed I have reached was just short of 170mph but I am not exactly certain of the speed because I was too busy looking where I was going! I would of got a Suzuki Hayabusa but well it just didn’t happen. I am currently divorced and living with Silvia my keeper and have two daughters and three grandchildren.

BLONDE JOKE

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weigh lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? 3of4

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

WORKS SALES STATS

Top 15 For Jan 2007 Last mth pos Name Quantity ▲ 8 1 73 Class B Jewson 170496 █ 2 2 73 Class B Hanson 157824 █ 3 3 73 City Multi 114432 ▲ 5 4 65 Cream Smooth 69608 ▲ 8 5 65 Mixed Rejects 63732 █ 6 6 73 Red Smooth 47616 NEW 7 65 Ryedale WC 46800 NEW 8 65 Golden Brown 46554 ▲ 10 9 73 Farmhse Brwn 43776 ▲ 14 10 65 Victorian Smth 42940 ▼ 6 11 73 Golden Brown 36096 █ 12 12 65 Ridings Rustic 35708 ▼ 7 13 65 Swale Dragwre 34632 ▼ 11 14 65 City Smooth 29832 NEW 15 65 Swale Rustic 27572 Week Com Produced Sold Stock 11/12/2006 457,876 301,032 14,739,712 01/01/2007 327,552 195,998 15,065,930 08/01/2007 456,960 334,568 15,188,322 15/01/2007 461,060 358,692 15,290,690 22/01/2007 403,816 336,888 15,351,068

Photo Of Steve Todd In His Garden Thinking…

LETTER FROM AN ANGRY AUSTRALIAN FARMER Dear Sirs, Your heated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope without a stamp. My son and I have gained much pleasure from reflecting on the past.

You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago and could not understand why not. Well here is the reason. In 1970, I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1971, I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double-barrelled shotgun and two razor backed pigs, all on credit. In 1972, the bloody mill burned down to the ground, leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid b*stard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church. In 1973, my father died and my brother was hanged for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the b*stard £500 to prevent him from coming a relative. In 1974, my son got mumps, which spread, to his balls and the poor lad had to be castrated to save his life. I went fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my lads, neither being the one who was castrated. In 1975, my wife ran away with a shepherd and left me the twins as a souvenir. I employed a housekeeper and married her to keep the expense down. I had a hell of a job trying to make her pregnant so I saw the doctor who advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took a shotgun to bed with me, at the time I thought was right, I leaned out the bed and fired the shotgun through the window, Result: the wife sh*t the bed, I ruptured myself and shot the best cow I ever owned. In 1976, some joker cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered completely so I took to drink. I carried on drinking until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a p*ss kept me busy for quite a time. After a year, I took on heart and bought on credit a manure spreader, reaper, binder and a car. The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. I was not insured. My wife got VD from a salesman and another son (still not the one that was castrated) wiped his arse on a poisoned rabbit skin and died from an infection. 4of4

You can imagine my surprise upon reading that you will cause me trouble if I do not pay up. If you can think of any trouble I have missed out on, please let me know. Trying to get any money out of me is like trying to poke a pound of butter up a porcupines arse with a red-hot needle. I am praying for a shower of skunk sh*t to pass your way and I hope the centre is over the bunch of b*stards in your office who sent me this final demand. Yours Faithfully One seriously peed off Australian Farmer.

PROUD 2B BRITISH?

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters. Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.