Issue 7

Probable orders for the new year includes a 600,000 order for Manchester Reds for an extension to the Trafford Centre – fingers crossed That’s all I have to say except let’s work safe and maintain our good form over the last furlong. Thank you for all your efforts and support over the last month.

*STOP PRESS – SEE NOTICE IN CANTEEN BUMP CAPS MUST BE WORN AT ALL TIMES

A Word From The Manager Well we are now in the final run into Christmas Break. The dinners been booked for the 6th December, hope you all enjoy it. Toddy will be round to give you all a sitting number. Well how did we do in November, production on make was down 32,000 for the month and 12,000 down on fired, this can be attributed to making 3 shifts of 80mm and drier trouble. So not a bad performance. Costs were again kept in check by our own Chancellor so well done to Mick Brayford who in turn is watched over by the Mad Professor himself Michael Schofield, well done to you both. Health & Safety No accidents again, so again well done but please watch out for each other. Also please wear the correct PPE when required* Quarry You’ve now seen Swampy and friends on site, these are archaeologists doing work in the extension until Christmas. Projects Two new additions; The project on the kiln with inverters is well on the way and finally a replacement dust extraction unit for the sander – lets hope this works. 1of6

This has come from the top so please comply. Failure to do so will result in the appropriate action being taken, in line the rest of the mandatory PPE that is required on site. THIS IS EFFECTIVE FROM DECEMBER 4th

Interview With Andy “Arthur Daley” Smith

I aint saying nothing without my solicitor present. I started here in June 1992 down int bottom Garage where Nak works now and I was down there packin bricks, well I was till October when I got layed off. I came back again in June 1993 down in’t bottom yard for a couple of years before I went in’t plant on’t setting machine car cleaning like. I was there for about ten years before I came outside to work with our kid cos Geoff died. Hows it changed over the years, well I won’t here when Armitages owned it so all I remember

is Marshalls and Hansons and during that time well er Toddys got bigger and bigger. Theres more chiefs than Indians but even there fizzling out since specials shut, up to press its got a bit better under Hansons than Marshalls cos there not scared of spending a bit of brass. My best memory was tother week when Brayford crashed into Milk Van and fell off his booster cushion, I know it wont funny in itself just what everyone was saying that made me laugh. Another memory that was quite good was conning old Melly Rob, The old fossil, by selling a load of cameras, there ‘Rubber was stood behind him telling him to get one bought, one for there lass for Christmas. Anyway to cut a long story short he took some pictures of’t kids unwrapping there pressies like and none turned out cos all cameras were all faulty, well they were sold as seen so no one got there money back. My worst memory was my dad getting finished through ill health cos there was no one to get me up anymore for work. [Brief interlude while Andy talks a bit of snooker with Daz] Another memory that aint so good was finishing up lumbered with our kid who just lately seems to have a bit of a phobia about stacking. If I won lottery tomorrow well I’d buy our kid a top of the range truck, no I wouldn’t carry on working here, would I b****** Whatever I fancy I would do if I got lottery, even 5 balls and a bonus would do, I’d be here, there and everywhere but I definitely wouldn’t be here, of course I would have to work my notice and get my holiday pay. [At this point “Chatterbox” one of Wincantons wagon drivers arrives Just has I ask if he believes in a form of life after death and Chatterbox thinking I am talking to him answers] “I really don’t know if consciousness a sole result of the specific configuration of matter of a living brain, or if some forms of consciousness or experience remain present in the matter and energy that used to be a living brain? If the latter is true, even in part, then it is not certain that the subjective experience of a being's consciousness ends at the time of death, which could be interpreted as a form of afterlife.” 2of6

Andys answer is a little less deep; whatever it is I’ll believe it as long as its better than this life, less hours at work and beer half price. Er my nickname, I don’t think I have got one. [Sue is in the office as he is answering this question and suggests a nickname of Arthur Daley] I suppose people call me all sorts of stuff behind my back, something dodgy cos of all the times I have been arested at Birmingham Airport for importing cheap baccy, I even got arested once on the way out for carrying too much cash. My favourite music is stuff from the eighties and a bit of Robbie Williams and I love Take That especially there new song “Patience” now that is real music. My favourite song from the eighties was Showaddywaddy “Under The Moon Of Love” and Madness “My Girl”, the only films I like are porn fims and no I am not really into Star Wars and all that sort of stuff. My hobbies, teaching Daz how to play snooker, making money using Dodgy schemes and suppling Dodgy goods, appearing on Crimewatch. I also enjoy Philately and have a huge private collection of stamps from all over the globe, I even have a ultra rare penny black which is the pride of my collection. Occasionally the post office issue a new collectors set of stamps to comemorate some event and I often camp out outside the post office so I am first in line when it opens. I got a motorbike, a Yamaha R6 and mine even goes out occasionally unlike Darrens and our kids who’s are always parked up. Never been married or anything and to the best of my knowledge I have no kids anywhere but you never know, no I am not gay or anything like that. I am currently engaged. What about Sues finger, no I don’t know nothing about it, well it don’t affect me much cos I don’t use the canteen, at dinnertime I go to see my dog so I don’t really have time. Oh our manager, well I think he is a really nice chap, very fair when he is here and always talkative, cant really fault him and Brayford well

I think he came with the fixtures and fittings from the factory.

Statistics Week Com 30/10/2006 06/11/2006 13/11/2006 20/11/2006

Produced 477,168 421,568 424,776 450,888

Sold 255,900 332,184 276,708 313,424

Stock 13,930,392 14,019,776 14,167,844 14,305,308

Top 15 Selling Bricks For November Last mth pos Name Quantity █ 1 1 73 City Multi 170880 ▲ 3 2 65 Mixed Rejects 86532 ▲ 5 3 65 Ryedale Drag 81772 ▼ 2 4 73 Class B Jew 80640 ▼ 4 5 73 Class B Hanson 74112 █ 6 6 65 Cream Mix Smth 65992 ▲ 10 7 73 Farmhouse Brwn 57984 NEW 8 65 Swale Dragwire 45028 █ 9 9 65 Ridings Rustic 38872 NEW 10 73 Victorian 37632 ▲ 15 11 65 Red Rustic 37064 ▼ 8 12 65 Golden Brown 35708 NEW 13 65 Derwent Rustic 34164 ▼ 7 14 65 City Multi Smooth 31640 ▼ 12 15 73 Red Smooth 27264

New Toilet Policy Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voiceprints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation. The following rules shall also apply: 1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip credits. 2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month. 3of6

3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open. 4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board. 5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counselling. 6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.

Life After Death

Mick Brayford and his faithful dog were walking along a road. Mick was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that Snuggles, his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As they reached the wall, they saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. Mick & Snuggles walked toward the gate, and as they got closer, they saw Toddy sat at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, Mick called out, "Hi Steve, where are we?" "This is heaven” Toddy answered his big humpty dumpty head wobbling has he said it. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have travelled far," Mick said. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up, we also have loads of barrels of Blue Black Spray." Toddy gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward Snuggles, "come in, too?" Mick asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." Mick thought a moment, remembering all the years Snuggles had remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As they approached the gate, Mick saw Darren Bell inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book about the history of brick making. "Excuse me!" Mick called to the Darren. "Do you have any water? We have travelled far."

"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there with a wash basin." Darren pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself." "How about my friend here?" Mick gestured to Snuggles who had her tongue hanging out panting. "There should be a bowl by the faucet; she is welcome to share." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. Mick filled the bowl cautiously since he didn’t like things with plugholes in them and took a long drink himself, then I gave some to Snuggles. When they were full, Mick and Snuggles walked back toward Darren who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" Mick asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," Mick said. "Toddy down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street, pearly gates and Loads of barrels of blue black spray? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."

Angels (Part I) What follows is an account of what happened to me after a very bad accident in July 1990 in which I was badly burned due to an incident on a country road on my motorcycle I can vaguely remember extinguishing the flames by jumping into a nearby cow bath and I was told that I was taken to nearby Staincliffe hospital by a passing Milkman from a nearby house. I was then apparently rushed on to Pinderfields hospital in Wakefield where I spent maybe the most 4of6

painful 13 weeks of my life but the events immediately after the accident are as clear to me as if it was yesterday, I will take up the story as I wrote it nearly a decade ago… My next memory was awakening and finding me stood in a darkened room and in the far corner was a bed, to which all sorts of electronic equipment were attached beeping away and in the bed seemed to be a person but I just wanted to get away from the place. Strangely all the pain I had previously suffered was gone like one big nightmare, I remember in my disorientated state somehow leaving the room, into a long deserted corridor, illuminated sparsely with a few night lights. As I approached the end of the corridor a nurse came out of a nearby staff room, laughing merrily at some joke her and the rest of the staff must have been sharing, as she turned and walked towards me I just froze, however, her eyes showed no acknowledgement of my physical presence as she passed by me. I called out to her when she was about 15 feet past me but she showed no signs of either seeing me or hearing me, I thought this was a little weird by now, but my instincts told me to find an outside door and get away from this strange place. After a while travelling through the maze of corridors I found a locked exit, upon trying the door to my amazement I found my hand just passed right through it and to my utter bewilderment I found I could walk right through it, I could feel no warmth or cold, I seemed to myself what I can only describe as a physical point in space that could see and hear but could not interact. With further astonishment I now found myself perhaps 150 foot up in the air and heading through the night, below I could see the tops of the street lamps and a few cars wondering around, I distinctly remember flying over a railway viaduct and towards the city of Wakefield. The neon sign over the nightclub called Rooftop Gardens drew me like a magnet being familiar with the place during my many nights out with my friends called Richard and Mark, I must of thought in retrospect that a familiar place would

relieve me of all this craziness but I was flying for Gods sake. I came down to land near the entrance to the club in front of two of the bouncers I remembered from yesteryear I had on many occasions in the past greeted these two individuals however on this occasion they just continued their small talk oblivious to my sudden appearance from the night sky. I paused to think and reached out with my hand to touch a nearby wall that was adjacent to the clubs entrance but my hand appeared to have no physical substance and just passed into the fabric of the wall. It was now that the awful truth finally dawned on me… The people unable to see or hear me, The wall, The doors to the hospital, just suppose they were perfectly normal? Just suppose that it was me who had changed? What if for example I had somehow lost my ‘hardness’, my ability to grasp things, even, to make contact with the world – even to be seen? I mean what is the point in going anywhere if as the final shreds of my rational mind pointed out if you cannot be seen, and what was that mound in that bed in the little hospital room I had left could that have been my physical body? I didn’t like this line of thought a human being is not separated from his body unless he is dead, then what state was I in now. It can go through doors without opening them, it can fly like a bird, it does not feel cold or warmth and remarkable these qualities are, they are no good if one cannot be seen. I decided at this point to go back to Pinderfields and see if I could reacquaint myself with my body, surely pain is better than this. No sooner had this thought occurred to me I found myself moving at incredible speed through the night back to the doors of Pinderfields, it seems in this strange state you travel by thought alone, handy this may be but the novelty soon wears off rapidly. Now Pinderfields is a big hospital and in my rush to get out of there I had forgotten just where I had left my body (or indeed what was left of it by now) I just didn’t have a clue which room it was in. I rationalised that it must be somewhere in the 5of6

burns unit but it was no use asking the doctors or nurses because they couldn’t see me or hear me. After an extensive search I managed to find the burns unit and by wondering from room to room I finally found the room I had left earlier and there I was lying unconscious, wired up to an whole variety of strange gadgets. At this point out of pure desperation for something to do, I decided to recite the Lord’s Prayer something I had learnt many years ago at school. The very next moment the absolute impossible happened; a tiny pinprick of light at the side of the bed began to grow brighter and brighter, at first not noticing the pin prick of light I thought it was a tiny night light that was the rooms only illumination that was getting brighter. But then I saw it was coming from beside the white bedside table at the head of the bed, it continued to brighten as I watched, it brightened to such an extent that had it been any ordinary light I would most certainly of been blinded. The next moment there flooded directly into my mind the words “Stand Up… you are now in the presence of the Son of God”, whereupon out of the light stepped what I could only describe as the most magnificent being I have ever known. Thankful at last for a little company in this strange situation I joked “That’s it! Just like that… I am with the Son of God… Isn’t there a reception area or something before we meet?” I felt a presence of Power and pure love that was older than time but yet more modern than anyone I have ever met. In the first stage of my experience, what I can only refer to as the earthbound state I had lost three of my senses; smell, taste and touch, however in this further stage in the light, time disappeared completely, a bit like in a dream and I was aware of all my thoughts and actions in my life up to the present day as on big whole. Every moment in my life was recurring before me at one and the same instant as part of some enormous four-dimensional sight and sound mural. I guessed this was my life review. But emanating from the being projected pure love, up to that point in my life I had come across much laid back always blaming anyone and everyone for the results of my actions

The above story will be concluded in issue No8 of “The Jungle Telegraph ©” which will be out before we break up for Christmas and includes an interview with Mick Brayford the longest serving employee at Swillington.

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