Issue 3

The Buffalo Volume 1, Issue 3

“Join the Herd”

Student single, hymnal to blame

ago hymnal, Zach is starting to get desperate. “I’ve even tried this old white hymnal, that I barrowed from Prof. Gosdeck and still nothing,” he said as he franticly spent By Bumblebee Tuna the first three stanzas trying to find the right hymn. There seems to be little hope CHAPELTORIUM—After an extended for Dilgard acquiring a significant other, as period of being single and lacking that his hymnal selection grows thin. He can “special someone” in his life, Zach Dilonly pray that perhaps someday, from the gard, 18, finally realized the cause of his overly-bright chapeltorium-lighted heavsingleness. ens, the perfect hymnal may fall into his “It’s been, like, a whole 4 weeks since the start of school, and I haven’t even lap, beckoning to him a beautiful teacher been able to get a girl to sit within 3 seats track history emphasis with the inability to smell body odor. But until then, all we can of me during morning or even evening do is to take our own hymnal and hope that chapel!” exclaimed a distraught, unDilgard sits by someone else. showered, and lonely Zach, “I thought I had no hope, but I finally figured out what’s wrong—I must be using the wrong hymnal!” Dilgard reached this conclusion after observing the habits of guys who had girls with them when entering chapel, whom he noted to be using normal, school-owned hymnals. “I have been using my one from By Tykwon Doe home, and it’s got my name on it. I bet the girls just think I’m out of their league CHECKER DESK, MLC CAFETERIA— ‘cause mine is so flashy,” he said as he Recently, many students have been denied picked a wad of earwax from his hairaccess to the cafeteria because they did not infested ears, “My roommate thinks that have their student ID. An interview remaybe I should wash my clothes more than vealed a shocking truth about what goes on once a month, and that might help, but in the minds of the ID checkers. what does he know, he’s been dating his "I realized the other day just how girlfriend since frosh year of high school, happy it makes me when I refuse to let he doesn’t know what it’s like to be sinsomebody enter into the cafeteria," said gle.” When asked for her opinion of DilKelly Menz, a junior. "It sounds horrible, I gard, a local MLC hottie exclaimed, know, but I just get this, you know, kind of “Eww! Dilgard? What a creep! Every time a rush when students realize they've forgotI walk into chapel, he makes sure to wave ten their IDs back in the dorm, in a differat me and point at his hymnal, whatever ent pair of pants, or can't find that’s supposed to mean. He’s disgusting, it...whatever." The English minor, who and I think Lake Olsen smells better than usually works Tuesdays and Thursdays, him.” says her habit has begun to affect her so“It’s just the trick of finding the right cial life. "So the other day my friend Stef one, hymnal that is,” Zach informed us. So walked past me without scanning her far, after trying the kind-of-beat-up hymcard. Without even thinking, I gave her my nal, the barely-used-because-it-never-has- usual, 'Um, I'm sorry—do you have your the-little-insert-thingy hymnal, and the ID?' She actually said to me, 'Kelly, you're pitifully-covered-in-that-weird-red-tapeso funny.' I had no choice but to send her and-should-have-been-retired-a-decadeback to go get her ID. She's been telling

Shocking confession from cafeteria ID checker

Volume 1, Issue 3

October 12, 2008

everyone and they have been avoiding me lately, but hey, it's the rules." SPaM sophomore Tom Knapp says, "I know I'm only halfway though Intro to Psychology, but I'm gonna go ahead and say there's something messed up in that girl’s head. I think she's sadistic or something. Who gets joy out of not letting people eat?" A student who did not wish to be identified also weighed in on this matter, saying, "This is an outrage! I'm paying $2,785 a semester for room and board whether I'm holding my ID card or not. How can I be refused entrance to what I've already paid for?!" Menz preferred not to respond, but instead voiced approval for this year's $5 increase in the charge for a replacement ID. "I just love this job. It makes me really happy to make someone else upset and miserable," said the future elementary school teacher.

New Website By The Editor Home, home on the internet Where now The Buffalo roams Where now there is heard A hilarious word And the sky is not cloudy all day As you may have guessed, dear reader, based on my rendition of “Home on the Range” and also from the title of this section, and also from the URL at the bottom of the page, The Buffalo is indeed fully available online. I recommend visiting the admittedly simple website, and bookmarking the page, because it is quite a long URL to remember. For any that missed the 1st or 2nd issues, they are also available on the website. I would also like to thank The Buffalo’s supporters, and invite everyone to find our e-mail address on our website.

http://www.geocities.com/thebuffalomlc/TheBuffaloHome

October 12, 2008