Issue 3

A Wo rd F ro m Ou r Le ad er The months are zipping by and the stock yard is still slowly filling, but we must stay ahead of our own targets. Production Volumes are there but at the expense of quality, the last production run of Ridings were abysmal and most of them sit on the yard as rejects, this can’t happen again, if things are not right please stop the machines and rectify the fault. A point I feel I must raise is that a number of people are saying they are coming to work on Saturday and then fail to turn up. This causes problems with Maintenance schedules or specific jobs planned. This is not acceptable. If you say you will be here then please be here General We’ve had our first meeting with Swillington Parish Council regarding our application for a new factory, which was well received by them and future meetings will be held as the application is submitted (This being September 06) Health & Safety We’ve had a visit from IDC and this seemed to go well, after a military style planning by Steve (The General) Todd and his captain Darren Bell. You will see around the factory designated bump cap areas, these must be adhered to failure to do so will result in disciplinary action as with all failures to comply to PPE designated areas. Projects New forklifts have arrived with a few teething problems but we are slowly fixing this. Please treat them like your own they have got to last many, many years Also we have had 2 new dumpers so again please look after these 1of5

A Bl as t Fr om T he Pa st David just popped into the office today to pay his lottery so seeing the opportunity I decided to Interview him for our Third Edition of the Jungle Telegraph… I originally worked at British Geoffrey Diamonds which was a mining company and came to work at Swillington for more money back in 1966, I was actually interviewed by George Armitage and Bernard Marshall who went on to become my boss. I came here as an “Assistant to the Assistant Manager” in order to save the Assistant Manager from doing paperwork… [The interview was at this point interrupted by a phone call from Dynorod to discuss problems with his loo at home which he instructed me to keep the details off record] I remember Mick [Brayford] being a fitter and I think at one point I became Assistant Manager but I could not cope with that so in the end I settled with “Production Shift Foreman”. What was your best memory? Er leaving – [laughs] – no I suppose the great times I have had with people over the years, there isn’t one particular memory I can say that was the best What was your worst memory? When I was off ill for a while that was quite bad but there was one time that sticks in my mind as quite a scary incident. At one time we used to get Paroles from Wakefield Prison and “Oulton Hollers” – Mental Patients working here [Interupted by Steve shouting ‘nice to see nothings changed then’] and there was this one particular guy I shall call him Bill from the prison. I had to keep reprimanding him throughout the morning for various incidents and when it got to dinnertime Bill went into the Canteen for dinner and asked the lady in the canteen…

The lady in the canteen only told me this after the event but apparently he asked her if I could sack him and she had replied that yes I was a manager and had the power to sack him. He then brought out a huge machete and said if he sacks me then I will get him with this, of course the canteen lady rushed up afterwards and told me what had occurred and I locked myself in the office and wouldn’t come out. The manager had to phone Wakefield Prison to get Bill removed and they came with four huge prison wardens and I was later told he had his privileges removed but he kept vowing he was going to get revenge. I was really shaken by all that and still occasionally have nightmares about it today. How has it changed here over the years? Blimey when I first started here we had two big coal fired Hoffman Kilns and Setters and Drawers which was a horrible dirty job, we had part of the new building containing the extruder, panhouse and dryers. I remember when Marshalls took over and there was a big shift change, different shifts soon stopped because of trade and there were loads of courses, meetings and meetings about meetings. Up to that point I used to like coming to work but the atmosphere really changed and I no longer enjoyed coming anymore. And Since You Have Retired? At first it felt really strange not having to get up in a morning but I have done a lot of decorating, walking and caravanning and my wife is still working so I am sort of a male housewife and have some shorts and a little pinafore Fridays is bog day and that is the worst day of the lot but other than that I have not got bored yet though I am not looking forward to winter and may need to find a part time job. I have not really got any hobbies and I need to find some hobbies to do in the winter something along the lines of train spotting or collecting YuDi-Oh cards!

Wor kp lac e In sani t y HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE 1) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you. 2) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Alf." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Zippy." 3) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 4) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this. 5) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way. 6) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 7) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that. 8) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. 9) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. 10) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Ste ve & Sh ar ron

Sharron and Steve go to the cricket match Sharron and Steve have gone to the cricket match. Cricket is a game. Do you like games? Steve does!

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Steve talks to The Lady From Dixon Hall who is making tea. She likes games too. The Lady From Dixon Hall is from Yorkshire - see the chimneys. Steve sees The Lady From Dixon Hall's baps. Baps are Steve's favourite. Steve asks if he can help himself. The Lady From Dixon Hall laughs and says 'yes'. Sharron sees The Lady From Dixon Hall. Sharron sometimes calls The Lady From Dixon Hall a 'Yorkshire pudding'. Do you know what a Yorkshire pudding is? Can you draw a picture? Sharron sees Steve having a roll with The Lady From Dixon Hall and creeps up behind him to give him a surprise, what fun! Sharron sees Steve holding one of The Lady From Dixon Hall's baps. Sharron slaps Steve. Paint Steve's ear red. See Steve sleep in the shed for the next three weeks. Poor Steve.

St at is tics – Yea rs Of S er vic e Rk

Name

1

M Brayford

2

K Hopkins

3

D Fox

4

R Smillie

5

Den Fox

6

G Hunter

7

S Todd

8

C Whiteley

9

G Fell

10

I Lund

11

M Robinson

12 13

C Shields D Rushworth

14

I Ball

15

G Smith

16

J Shaw

17

K Sawyer

18

M Ellis

19

R Warne

20

S Ruecroft

21

D Bell

22

G Robinson

23

T Capper

24

M Lodge

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Date Started 26/04/196 2 31/07/196 7 10/10/196 7 09/03/197 0 16/04/197 0 14/04/197 1 02/06/197 1 26/07/197 1 10/06/197 4 01/06/197 6 07/03/197 7 12/12/197 7 20/03/197 8 07/04/197 9 04/06/197 9 26/11/1979 03/08/198 1 17/09/198 4 20/02/198 5 29/07/198 5 27/01/198 6 28/07/198 6 14/09/198 7 23/01/199 3

Time Worked 44 Yrs, 3 Mths, 13 Days 39 Yrs, 0 Mths, 8 Days 38 Yrs, 9 Mths, 29 Days 36 Yrs, 4 Mths, 30 Days 36 Yrs, 3 Mths, 23 Days 35 Yrs, 3 Mths, 25 Days 35 Yrs, 2 Mths, 6 Days 35 Yrs, 0 Mths, 13 Days 32 Yrs, 1 Mths, 29 Days 30 Yrs, 2 Mths, 7 Days 29 Yrs, 5 Mths, 1 Days 28 Yrs, 7 Mths, 27 Days 28 Yrs, 4 Mths, 19 Days 27 Yrs, 4 Mths, 1 Days 27 Yrs, 2 Mths, 4 Days 26 Yrs, 8 Mths, 13 Days 25 Yrs, 0 Mths, 5 Days 21 Yrs, 10 Mths, 22 Days 21 Yrs, 5 Mths, 19 Days 21 Yrs, 0 Mths, 10 Days 20 Yrs, 6 Mths, 12 Days 20 Yrs, 0 Mths, 11 Days 18 Yrs, 10 Mths, 25 Days 13 Yrs, 6 Mths, 16 Days

25

M Whiteley

26 27

A Smith N Chamberlain

28

G Johnson

29

N Hunter

30

P Newbould

31

P Morton

32

M Schofield

33

C Farnhill

34

L Ruecroft

35

D Zinis

36

R Jolley

37

D Lund

22/03/199 3 15/06/199 3 11/04/1994 27/11/1995 04/04/199 6 20/07/199 8 21/09/199 8 30/07/200 1 10/12/200 1 11/07/2005 13/03/200 6 27/03/200 6 03/04/200 6

13 Yrs, 4 Mths, 17 Days 13 Yrs, 1 Mths, 24 Days 12 Yrs, 3 Mths, 28 Days 10 Yrs, 8 Mths, 12 Days 10 Yrs, 4 Mths, 4 Days 8 Yrs, 0 Mths, 19 Days 7 Yrs, 10 Mths, 18 Days 5 Yrs, 0 Mths, 9 Days 4 Yrs, 7 Mths, 29 Days 1 Yrs, 0 Mths, 28 Days 0 Yrs, 4 Mths, 26 Days 0 Yrs, 4 Mths, 12 Days 0 Yrs, 4 Mths, 5 Days

Sta ti stic s – S al es / Pro du cti on Date 03/07/2006 10/07/2006 17/07/2006 24/07/2006 31/07/2006

Made 464,980 476,408 440,060 414,548 467,480

Sold 320,092 412,776 342,204 239,560 383,472

Stock 12,040,624 12,113,024 12,210,880 12,398,804 12,482,812

Sta ti stic s – S al es 13 th J uly to 7 th A ug us t ( inc) Posn 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Name 73 Class B Eng 73 Class B Jewson 73 City Multi 65 City Multi 65 Derwent DF 65 Ridings 73 Farmhouse 65 Cream Smooth 73 Red Smooth 65 Ryedale WC 65 Golden Brown 65 Farmhouse 73 Golden Brown 73 Victorian Various Selected

Quantity 151,680 150,528 122,880 96,728 70,668 64,636 63,360 60,116 57,600 57,096 52,884 49,720 46,464 39,468 31,104

Int ern al M em or an du m Retire Aged Personnel Early As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel. Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting

the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers). All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate. If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.

Jo ke s By Ou r Br av e L ead er 4of5

1) What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of Perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "you're next, Fatty." 2)Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is Lying in bed reading. Man says: ''This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache" Wife replies: ''I think you'll find that is a sheep''. Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.'' 3) A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, ''What are you doing?'' She answers, ''I'm moving to Sydney". I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for Free". Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and Sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want To see how you live on $800 a year". 4) A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 Litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a Head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 5OOg jar of coffee, a 250g Pack of bacon As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of The cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly Stated, ''You must be single". The woman was a bit stabled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued By the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at Her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her Selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ''Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that's The drunk replied, ''Cos you're ugly,''

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