Issue 27

Word from Our Leader Another month flies by and the news of the Stairfoot closure comes as a bitter blow to us all, but the industry is now reeling from external pressures and we can still see on the news that banks are also undergoing changes as share prices fall. Also the news of a large increase in gas prices which doesn’t help. The works performed well again last month only fuel prices affecting our budget causing us to show an adverse figure. Quality and Health & Safety are still very important areas where we need to continue to improve especially quality, we don’t want to be putting any substandard bricks on the yard. So we need to be on our guard, complaints are running above budget year to date which is not what we want to be in the spotlight for in this climate. The Quarry stockpile is being built, slowly but surely, the process is slow due to the bench being riddled to remove unwanted materials, let’s just hope for sunny weather. Finally just to say thank you for your cooperation and efforts over the last month, something to maintain over the remaining months, by the end of August we should have transported 2 million bricks to Waingroves to ease stocking volumes.

Workers were called to a meeting on Monday when bosses broke the bad news that the plant would stop making bricks in August. A skeleton staff will remain on site to supervise a production 'run down' and sell any bricks which are already in the store yard. Hanson's decided to mothball the Stairfoot site because of the economic downturn which has hit the construction industry hard. It is anticipated production will not start again for at least two years.

Interview with Diane Cottril

Finding someone willing to interview this month has been a problem, with many asked but no one willing to see it through, in the end I asked our personal bean counter who is sited at Stewartby, sadly she too will soon be leaving as a result of all the restructuring going on…

From Barnsley Echo THE credit crunch has claimed its first victim in Barnsley after production at Hanson's Stairfoot brickworks was halted with a loss of 76 jobs. 1of8

Hi my name is Diane Cottril, I was born on 14th September 1970 in Georgetown Guyana, and before starting at Hanson’s in May 1990 I had a

milk round and then worked as a Bank Teller and Accounts Clerk for an Airline company. I started at Hanson’s as a filing clerk and my best memory since coming was the day Sue got her skirt stuck in her knickers and of course having my son Sam, my worst day here was the day I was told I will be losing my job due to all the changes that are occurring. I just love everyone in the office here at Swillington especially Mad Mick who I think is an amazing character and it must be great fun for you all to have him around all the time, he makes life worth living. The person nearest to me as I fill in this questionnaire is Mick “Alf” Brayford who reckons I am a nice hard working, pretty, helpful young lady with a stunning figure and a gorgeous bum. Ill just say my foreman is Mick Lardner, I don’t remember him in the early days but I have heard a lot about him though, he said he used to be a miner and before that a male stripper. The thing I like most about Mr Lardner is his honest, no bullsh*t attitude, the thing I dislike most about him is when he shouts at me and makes me cry. I don’t believe in life after death and if I won the lottery tomorrow I would set up a half way house in Guyana. My nickname is Diddi, which means big sister, I was like an old lady in a child’s body when I was a kid. I am also known as Whoopi Goldberg due to me acting and looking like the actor. I like lots of different music, it changes all the time but I think looking back my overall favourite has got to be Ray Charles. My hobbies include; running, cycling, cooking, dancing and forensic science and I am married to a nice man called Bill and have a son called Sam. My duties here at the moment are Management Accounts; in effect I am a bean counter keeping track of Swillington and other sites budget. The gossip is usually about me and no one is telling me what it is!

Gossip… Next! 2of8

Bike

for

Sale

Suzuki 1200 Bandit

Low mileage, never been out in rain dry use only

Nitrous oxide, one careful stunt rider Eats RC8's & ZX636’s for breakfast

Talking of motorbikes, the other day this big bloke came in and he tried to have a chat with me, which I must admit is hard work sometimes anyway he got telling me about his motorbike he said he had a FZR1100 which he had tuned up and was powered with nitrous oxide and was clocked on a racetrack doing 227mph when I asked him for his name he replied “A Bell”, I was wondering if he was any relation to Darren “Father” Bell who his trying to sell his Suzuki Bandit above? Back in May we raised at total of £1523.50 for The Yorkshire Air Ambulance when 12 members of Swillington workforce plus some friends and family completed the gruelling 26 mile three Yorkshire Peaks walk.

Above you can see the handover of the cash by the organiser Dennis “Victor Meldrew” Fox to the nice lady who said thanks to everyone involved.

I do occasionally make the odd mistake here on my despatch desk but I also admit to it and not tell blatant lies to get others into trouble, this month I caused a few problems by ordering Derwentdale Dragfaced labels instead of Derwentdale Rustic labels but I did go over to Richard “Ime” Warne who was stood scratching his head next to the cupboard where they would supposed to be and made a full grovelling apology. I say this because not everyone who makes mistakes like to do the decent thing and admit to them, some people have been known to get others into trouble by covering their wrong deeds with little white lies. David “Gandalf” Zinnis says what do you call Nak when he is all confused? The answer is apparently on the number plate of Chinas new car. Our other electrician Turkey, who only has a quarter so he doesn’t wee on his shoes, has got another little conundrum, he says I live above a star I have eleven neighbours but they never turn my initials are p q & r and sometimes s what am I? Commiserations to Gary “Rubber” Robinson who was admitted to hospital after eating what he thought was an onion however it turned out to be a daffodil bulb, doctors are saying he will be out in spring. Before he was admitted though he shared with me a Joke about these two ducks who went to a hotel to have a night of passion, the drake realises he has no condoms so he phones room service. Room service ask if they wish for them to put them on his bill, No says the drake I would suffocate. Other things that have happened this month, Mick “Alf” Brayfords size 7 rigger boots have gone missing, Bob Jolley who is considering relocating to the moon to lose weight, well his hat blew off the other day and our excellent cleaners who polish our desks daily annoyed Alf by polishing his apple and his oranges he has for dinner. Gary “The Babysiter” Smith has got a new name, he is now in my database as “Duncan 3of8

Clubfoot” due to him recently being off work due to the birth defect Club foot and having a hairstyle like Duncan Goodhue On a final note “Fox and Fell” are doing a roaring trade since they moved into second hand health and safety gear and the recent tarzan calls have been going out unheard because the broadcaster was on the wrong channel

Interview with Oswald While Convalescing

As you all probably know Steve Todd better known as Oswald Cobblepot has been away from work on sick leave having a new hip fitted that was transplanted from a Rhinoceros, he is now back at home recovering. I sent a questionnaire to him asking how he was going on and was awaiting it filling in and returning, I phoned him on Friday before the new Jungle Telegraph was due to be published threatening him I would pay him a visit to go retrieve it, the questionnaire has now been promptly delivered so here goes… I am really missing being with you guys at Swillington, seeing everyone, doing my job, having a laugh and a bit of banter instead I am now sat at home bored stupid watching daytime TV. I was awake throughout my operation, so I could hear all the sawing going on but I could not see my lower half because they had a curtain separating my top half from what was going on down below.

They took out my old hip and replaced it with the new one and the operation took about 1 ½ hours to complete but I couldn’t feel anything because I was totally numb from the waist down. Since I have been at home I have been watching them boring daytime TV programs like Trisha with people who have slept with their brothers’ wife and a whole host of complex relationships and Jeremy Kyle who makes you feel good compared with the few problems you’ve got. I have been doing the exercises that the physiotherapist gave me and also I have been doing loads of word puzzles plus of course reading Mad Mick’s blog Q A few people at Swillington have said they have been experiencing deafness then realised you wasn’t there what’s your reaction to this? A Pardon, what did you say? My wife says she is enjoying me being at home most of the time, well when I am not moaning, I don’t yet have a date when I am due back, it depends on when Mr Rawer says so. Q Badger has been said to be doing a really good job, have you any messages to him? A Carry on doing the good work but don’t get too comfortable in my chair. I just want to thank everyone back at work and send you all my love, thanks for all the flowers Mick Lardner and the lovely chocolates Mr Brayford, I was just curious who sent me half a dozen eggs?

Jokes A blonde gets a job as a sports teacher. First day at school she notices a boy on the playing fields standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes, thank you.' he replies. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. ''Why?' asks the blonde. The boy says: 'Because I'm the f*cking goalie' 4of8

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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Above, wordsearch especially for Dougie to give him something to do on a night, the words to search for was going to be a list of jobs! Left, Alf trying to keep the bonus up! Three men go to stay at a motel, and the man at the desk charges them £30.00 for a room. They split the cost ten pounds each. Later the manager tells the desk man that he overcharged the men, that the actual cost should have been £25.00. The manager gives the bellboy £5.00 and tells him to give it to the men. The bellboy, however, decides to cheat the men and pockets £2.00, giving each of the men only one pound. Now each man has paid £9.00 to stay in the room and 3 x £9.00 = £27.00. The bellboy has pocketed £2.00. £27.00 + £2.00 = £29.00 - so where is the missing £1.00?

Statistics Wk Com

Produced

23/Jun

467,328

30/Jun

465,632

07/Jul

462,848

14/Jul

452,700

21/Jul

469,632

28/Jul

442,368

Sold 251,90 8 282,55 8 236,25 6 291,38 4 325,67 2 257,00 0

Trans

Stock 18,759,572 18,944,195

277,660

18,893,127

110,592

18,955,151

478,464

18,629,863

138,240

18,640,248

With the first million of our 2 million bricks to be transferred to Waingroves our stock level has dropped to 18.6 million, sales are averaging between 250k and 300k while we have consistently produced above budget every week during July. P ▲ ▼ ▲ ▼

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L 5 1 13 2

T 1 2 3 4

Name Stumpy Wurzel The Crowman Harry Potter

Total 192,628 155,668 144,300 83,461

>> ▲ >> ▲ ▼ >> ▼ >> ▼

NE 10 NE 15 4 NE 7 NE 3

4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Wearry Willie Ian Archers Trevor Archers Dino Archers Deuce Bigalow Nick Howe Keith Chicken D&A Tito Santana

82,124 75,220 74,908 73,728 69,665 64,512 47,804 46,080 45,365

The drivers league sees a return to top form for Stumpy shifting nearly 200,000 bricks during July, a record I think. The Crowman also did very well with a Number 3 entry; of course a lot of these bricks shifted were in fact transfers to Waingroves. Last month I started giving out certificates to the top drivers however my boss says this is an unnecessary expense and should cease immediately. Month January February March April May June July Total *Not included

Sold 07 1,426,828 1,562,274 1,799,462 1,691,391 1,841,064 1,554,936 1,638,794 6,479,955

Sold 08 1,032,078 1,363,931 1,244,571 1,614,903 1,454,952 1,248,551 1,313,154 5,255,483

Tran To Waingroves

414336 561024

978076 1,953,436

Up till the end of July we have transferred a total of 1.95 million bricks to Waingroves during 2008 to relieve the stock on our yard, these are not included in the graph below which shows actual sales during 2007 vs 2008-08-05 Sales 2007 vs Sales 2008

2.00 1.80 1.60 1.40 1.20 1.00 0.80 0.60 0.40 0.20 0.00 January February

March

Sales 2007

April

May

June

July

Sales 2008

With the transfers to Waingroves added to Sales during July we have once again thrashed our weekly record and it just so happened that this was the week I choose for my Holiday with Duncan Clubfoot over in Bridlington.

Weekly Records 2008 Position 1 2 3 4 5

Week No 30 15 14 28 16

Quantity 804,140 673,629 596,941 503,523 479,819

Wk Com 20-Jul 06-Apr 30-Mar 06-Jul 13-Apr

Daily Records 2008 Position 1 2 3 4 5

Date Fri 25 July Thu 24 July Thu 27 March Fri 04 April Tue 22 July

Quantity 207,056 187,491 175,200 174,748 173,020

Message from David’s Wife, Gill Hello I keep nattering David to send you an email to say thanks for the Jungle Telegraph and the DVD of the 3 Peaks walk and he keeps saying he will but I don't think he likes using the computer so I'll do it instead. We really enjoyed watching the DVD and always have a good laugh at the J.T. so keep it coming. David will try and get in to see you all but we have three elderly parents between us and it's not easy trying to juggle everything at the moment there's their cleaning, shopping, hospital appointments etc. I finish school in 2 weeks so we're hoping to get up to the caravan for a few days break. Thanks once again Regards Gill

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Father Darren Bell, as you have never seen him before! From

“Honest Adverts” sent to me by our No4 driver Mr Harry Potter 16 Different Ways to Annoy People • Invite Mad Mick to there house with his notepad and pen • Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. • Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." • Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." • Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." • Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. • Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

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Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Honk and wave to strangers. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what gender they are. Stamp on little plastic ketchup packets. Ask your friends mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." Write stupid newsletters about all your friends and give them silly names and pass them round the neighbourhood Send pretend solicitors letters to people

Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to doublecheck this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

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