Issue 26

A Word from Our Leader Well the first half of the year has flown by and the market has shown no signs of recovering, if truth be known its actually got worse with the house builders virtually shutting up shop. So its even tougher in the market place, with this in mind we really need to focus on the jobs we do to make sure the quality is high as possible. Customers are looking at ways to gain money back and finding slight quality faults enables them to get bricks cheaper, thus, taking money off our bottom line. We need to be at the top of our game. Health & Safety There are posters asking for people to be trained as safety leaders, if anyone is interested please contact me. Another good month on the accident stats, so a big well done and thank you for your continuing efforts on this front. Production On the sheet produced and pinned up in the canteen you will notice that this now shows how much we are behind budget on the year to 1of6

date, you will also notice we are steadily getting back the loss of production Quarry The 2008 dig will soon be starting, more on this as it develops All in all a good month, Steve Todd has now undergone his operation and he’s on his way to making a full recovery. A welcome back to Craig Farnill who has returned after a long absence, also welcome to Adam Shields who has joined us on a 3 month contract working mainly in the yard. Finally thanks to Keith Sawyer and Gary Smith in taking on supervisor duties whilst Steve is off with his operation and Darren was off on holiday. Oh I forgot to mention that Neil “Castleford” Chamberlain paid his debt of two Mars Bars the next day unlike the last Castleford fan who was hoping for a E.U. Resolution so he didn’t have to pay his fiver (Nick) but they both rely on deception and underhanded tactics to win bets

Interview with Marci Hi my name is Craig Farnill better known as Marci and I was born in Kippax on 14th November 1963, I started at Swillington on 10th December 2001 as a spare kiln burner. Over the years I reckon Health and Safety has gone a bit crazy, I mean its very difficult to do your job without a suit of armour on.

Before I started working here I have had 2 paper rounds, worked as a butcher for 12 years in Garforth, then I was a butcher at ASDA and worked at a tannery in Leeds before coming here, and I must confess I’ve been sh*t at them all. My best memory while working her was the day that Mark Woodward (Woo-woo) got the boot and my best memories well that’s a story in itself. 1) I was in the canteen one morning when a raven landed in a tree, then the sky went all dark and the wind picked up, suddenly thunder and lightning… Then a black car came down the lane and out got the devil himself… 2) Getting a final written warning for phoning women of the night using the kiln phone My best mate here has got to be Eddie and that’s because he has got a lot on me. The nearest person to me as I am filling in this questionnaire is Nick “Dougie” Hunter, wait Ill go and ask him what he thinks about me… “He’s been off that long, I’d forgot what he looked like, really he’s a sound guy and he’s straight up, he’ll do for me anyway” My Foreman is Mick “The General” Brayford, and although I’m not old enough to remember him in his early days I think he is hard but fair and he forgets a lot, the thing I dislike most about him is he has got a painting fetish. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would finish the same day and go to a Chinese [CENSORED] and die a happy man. I don’t believe in a life after death but if it does exist I want to come back as a dog because if I could lick my own it would be a hassle free life. My nickname is Marci because it rhymes with the slang expression for bottom, ill let you work that one out for yourself. 2of6

My favourite music is Wet Wet Wet and I have loved every tune they have ever done, my hobbies are fishing, watching Castleford Tigers and Snooker. I am divorced with two children called Kirsty and Ricky and my current duties here are “Senior Kiln Burner” and I also keep an eye on the other burners when Mick “The General” Brayford isn’t here or when he has another one of his little episodes and his Alzheimer’s gets the better of him. I don’t have any further comments to add because I am not the sort who spreads gossip, you go see Nak for that.

Interview with Badger In Oswald Cobblepots absence while he has gone for his operation to have a brand new hip fitted, a gentleman called Badger has been called on to fulfil his duties, I managed to catch up with him for a few comments while he was reading the horse racing pages of the newspaper down near the Auger and here’s what he has had to say.

Of course I am keeping with my promise of greater than 95% of this being exactly as what came out of the interviewee’s mouth following complaints over the last few issues. Do you think you will find doing Oswald’s job Hard? Not really I am multifunctional just like Steve so I should be able to slip straight into the job, the only two jobs I haven’t done are the kiln and the canteen. Do you think there will be more room in the office when Oswald goes for his op?

There will definitely be more room in the office when Steve goes for his op. he’s not in there much anyway, he’s either in the canteen or in the bedroom, so I’ve been told Are you getting any comments from men out there about your new position? Yes, some are calling me “Young Toddy” What do you think about office life? Office life is great, no bump cap, no glasses, cool in the summer, warm in the winter, E-bay on tap, Racing results as they cross the line and everybody laughing and joking with each other and getting on with there work If Oswald’s job came up would you take it? Of course I would! Well because all of the above and the early 3:30pm finish Who do you think works the hardest at Swillington and who has the easiest? The hardest job has to be Graham “101 Jobs” Fell and the easiest is the gardner only once per week. What do you think about Mad Mick? Everybody seems to take Mad Mick the wrong way he’s not mad he’s f***ing crazy. Apparently it’s because he’s so brainy, that he’s so mad Any Other Comments? If anybody wants to see the original copy, before Mad Mick adds his usual bullsh*t I have taken a copy to protect myself

Jokes The Snail On one of those cold winter nights, an old man is sitting by the fire watching his favourite TV programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is tap, tap, tap on the door. He thinks nothing of it and gets back to his TV. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, 3of6

tap, tap. So, a bit cross, he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is this little tap, tap tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out "down here", the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail and the man says, rather sternly, "WHAT DO YOU WANT"?. "I'm cold and I'm hungry, can I come in and sit by your fire and have something to eat"? Says the snail. "NO", says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the little snail right over the garden wall. The man then sits down and gets back to his programme. 6 months pass and the old man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to him self for a while and then goes and answers the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again "What do you want"? and the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, "What did you do that for"? Water has been found on Mars

Gossip First of all this month a number of items have gone missing from the office: 1) A Salt pot (borrowed by myself from Princess Lea in the canteen) 2) The Mop bucket that was halfway up the steps to the office used for catching drips when it rained 3) Our Leader Mr Lardner’s XXXXXL Hi Viz Jacket Prime suspects for these items are obviously someone who is very big or is using the items

for camping and this narrows it down to two main suspects Mr Blobby or Gandalf, also it has been asked if the suspect was the same person who put the laxative in Oswald Cobblepot’s Pork Pie Gandalf says in the mag he is always made out to be a bit shrewd with his money when in reality he is generous compared to some when pressed for examples he mentioned that Kev the Children’s TV Presenter was so tight when he walked he squeaked I must also make an apology to Duncan Goodhew about mentioning in my last issue that he is follickly challenged, I realise now it’s a serious subject is loss of hair which can be brought on by stress or foreign bodies in the atmosphere and he is also suffering a spot of gout. Duncan has been seen wearing Badgers face fitting uniform to try and minimise the latter possibility. Duncan also got pod on earlier in the month by the Tarzan calls made over the radio, initially it was thought these sounds had been made by David “Gandalf” Zinis but it turned out after further investigation that they came from someone on Magic Mushrooms. During June there was a small problem on the dehacker which was attended to by Victor Meldrew and China (who has just bought a new car), which in true “Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em” style was turned into a major crisis with a multitude of adjustments, then removal of the hydraulic pump followed by a lot of scratching of heads. Luckily Colin “Walter” Whitely came along and saved the day and with a quick swift turn of the correct screw brought the machines operation back into smooth working order and leaving Victor Meldrew with a face like a bulldog licking the p*ss off a nettle. 4of6

According to an anonymous source Victor Meldrew is reportedly becoming a silent partner in Nak’s shop which is in need of a major cash injection and will be renamed Fox n Fell confectionary very soon. Sport, Mick “Alf” Brayford was beaten easily at Golf by Nick “Dougy” Hunter and Bob “Mr Blobby” Jolley and Darren Bell was recently awarded his trophy for winning at snooker only it had the wrong name on it A Joke from Nak, an old couple who have been married for 40years are celebrating there anniversary the old lady says “do you remember our first we came down and had our first breakfast naked would you like to do it again” The old feller agrees and they are sat at the breakfast table and the old lady says I’m still getting warm feeling in my nipples The old feller says “You will ones in porridge and the others in your cup of tea” As the editor I have been intimidated by some hoodlums, pod on and his gang, keep coming into the office and acting in a threatening manner which is making me really nervous, I mean it wasn’t my fault, it was Darren that said they wanted there photos with Leeds Rhinos shirts on, I don’t know anything about Rugby. Finally its good news with regards to Oswald’s Rhino hip operation, Alf has just phoned his missus and he is coming home today with his crutches and Zimmer Frame as I write this on 1st July, though he appears to be developing a horn doctors are baffled by this but say it could be something to do with the tissue DNA but are certain he will make a full recovery. Nak says his replacement, “Badger” hasn’t got quite the wobble Oswald had but he’s not doing too bad a job adding it must have took him a tea break to learn it

Statistics Our number one driver this month was Wurzel who has been awarded a certificate by Mr Lardner, Strangely Stumpy our usual top player was way down at No5 ▲ > ▲

4 2 7

1 2 3

Name Wurzel Harry Potter Tito Santana

Total 86,576 60,217 49,144

▲ ▼ ▲ ▼ > >> ▲ >> ▼

6 1 10 3 8 NE 65 NE 9

4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Deuce Bigalow Stumpy Bruce Forcythe Keith Chicken Jason Rudge DX03FOM Ian Archers BU53KHE Dixon

41,453 39,564 38,057 28,012 27,788 20,792 19,976 18,432 18,432

Harry Potter stays at No2 due to his early lead and I have just had a Deuce Bigalow in from Dunnetts as I was writing this who was complaining about his name being wrong, he said he blames a breakdown in communication between me and Hotpot for ending up with a stupid name like Deuce Bigalow. He said it’s the Lancashire/Yorkshire Language barrier, apparently Hotpot was referring to Tim the Terrapin when he was calling someone Deuce Bigalow however I confessed I already had a name for Tim the Terrapin but I didn’t have one for him so he got stuck with it. Alf says all the drivers are ending up as balmy as I am coming in complaining about there silly names. Wk Com

Produced

Sold

Stock

26/Ma y

347,848

194,09 2

18,311,504

02/Jun

379,672

368,78 8

18,317,86 8

09/Jun

393,172

322,51 6

18,333,83 2

16/Jun

451,200

249,32 4

18,538,55 6

23/Jun

467,328

251,90 8

18,759,57 2

YTD Grn ▼ -35023 9 ▼ -41573 9 ▲ -38706 7 ▲ -37937 1 ▲ -32985 1

YTD Rd

Sales 2007 vs Sales 2008

2.00 1.80 1.60 1.40 1.20 1.00 0.80 0.60 0.40 0.20 0.00 January

February

March

Sales 2007

April

May

June

Sales 2008

And our best selling brick remains of course The Class B 73mm engineer Lstmth > 1 > 2 ▲ 6 > 4 ▼ 3 ▼ 5 ▲ 16 ▲ 15 > 9 ▼ 7

pos 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name 73 Class B 73 City Mlti 65 Cream WC 65 Golden Brwn 65 Man Red 65 City Mlti 65 Victorian 65 Farmhse Brwn 73 Golden Brwn 73 Farmhse Brwn

Quantity 232,320 111,360 96,276 62,376 59,212 53,368 49,268 49,268 46,464 41,472

And once again congratulations to Wurzel on his No1 driver award for June

▼ -457388 ▼ -519715 ▼ -522543 ▲ -513343 ▲ -488015

The first week of June was the Spring Bank week so it was expected to have low sales however the last two weeks in June have seen sales drop right down to the 250,000 mark which has meant a steady increase in our stock right up to 18¾ million which is one week short of our “full” point at 19 million though rumour has it there will shortly be another 2 million bricks getting transferred from our yard to somewhere. Anyway you can see by the next graph how sales during 2008 compare with the sales in 2007 5of6

The Squirrel & the Grasshopper The Rest of the world: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks that's foolish, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. The End The UK: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A professional social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. In response to pressure from the EU, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine 6of6

for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The squirrel? He moved to Australia...