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The Buffalo Volume 1, Issue 1
Message from the editor
New Ulm Walmart Closes
Welcome to The Buffalo. The Buffalo is a humorous newspaper which reports on whatever it wishes to report on. The articles are mostly, if not completely, made up, although in general they are related to events here at MLC or in the town of New Ulm. The Buffalo staff hopes that you will enjoy their work and laugh at it. On the subject of The Buffalo staff, freelance writers are very welcome. Anyone who wishes to be published is free to send there article to The Buffalo at [email protected]. The e-mail address can conveniently be found at the bottom of every page of The Buffalo. Due to the wishes of the core staff for utter anonymity and secrecy, e-mail is the only method for contacting The Buffalo. Any stories sent to The Buffalo give The Buffalo the right to use all or part of the article. Articles will be edited for appropriateness. The author should also express whether they wish to remain completely anonymous, use a pen name, be given a pen name, or have their actual name used in connection with the article. The Buffalo is also looking for a regular cartoonist. Pictures must be in gray scale, because The Buffalo does not have funds to print color cartoons. Cartoons can be either a comic strip or a single picture with a caption. Appropriateness and humor are the only two factors that affect whether a given cartoon will be printed. The Buffalo, besides being available in print format, is also available in its digital format via e-mail. To place yourself on the mailing list, send an e-mail to The Buffalo requesting that. Print times for The Buffalo are unknown and sporadic. The Buffalo will be distributed at random times, whenever the editor feels like it. Any questions or comments can also be sent via e-mail, and The Buffalo appreciates all contributions. Please enjoy reading The Buffalo.
NEW ULM, MN—Sources report that the New Ulm Walmart, built May 2007, has closed after less than one year of operation. The entire town remains shocked at this unbelievable story. Witnesses claim that the super shopping center, famous for its continuous 24/7 operation, was completely closed, without any lights on inside. Keith Maddock, 23, and Jared Gerbach, 22, were among the eye witnesses who saw the Walmart store closed. They claim the interior of the store was “really dark” as they walked up and that “not even any lights were on.” They also didn’t see any workers in sight, saying, “Even Gary [the greeter] wasn’t there.” Missing Gary was not the only cause of sorrow that night. Maddock, who has a girlfriend, desperately needed to buy some inexpensive, affordably-priced chocolate bars to eat while watching a movie, and was left with no other options. “Even if they were to reopen, I could never go back there. I just can’t rely on Walmart anymore,” sighed Maddock, with a heartrending look of disillusionment on his face. The store, which served more than 150,000 customers in its single year of service, has disappointed many more people than just Keith Maddock. Alonso Sartina, 47, and his wife Alena, 46, were likewise heartbroken to find that they could not purchase affordable groceries at 1 o’clock in the morning. “We have no other time to shop,” Alena explains, “We both work a double shift, 16 hours a day. Now we have no affordable place to buy groceries at 1 am.” Not all were disappointed by the closure though. Randy “Mad Dog” Caplin, New Ulm resident and father of three, was happy about the changes: “Sure I can’t buy dog food at 2 am, but who cares? Now John [his 15-year-old son] is always...
Volume 1, Issue 1
August 29, 2008
Friend hijacks Facebook account, man stuck in unwanted relationship CONCORD HALL—Last week Tuesday, Ron Kimball left his Facebook up on his computer while he was out of the room and his friend Joe Hermann changed his relationship status and password. Ron is now stuck in a relationship with Sarah Duncan, who confirmed the relationship status early Wednesday morning. Hermann, 21, had intended to ask Kimball, 20, if he had filled out the study guide for the upcoming Doctrine test, but since Kimball was gone, decided to “have a little fun.” Knowing that Duncan, 21, was interested in Kimball who couldn’t stand her, Hermann decided it would be fun to add Duncan to Kimball’s account as “currently dating”. “This totally blows. Now Sarah thinks we’re going out, and she won’t believe me that it’s not true, ‘cause it’s on Facebook,” complained a frustrated Kimball, “And for some reason my password won’t work, so I can’t take it off.” Hermann, laughing hysterically, commented, “This is great! He doesn’t even know the password was changed. He just thinks he forgot it!” Kimball continues to be plagued by his unwanted relationship. Sarah constantly texts him, which is especially aggravating because Kimball doesn’t have texting on his phone, so it costs him 15 cents per text. Kimball also is under pressure to view undesirable, feminine oriented movies involving “totally whipped guys” that “aren’t at all realistic.” Further, Kimball’s finances having taken a major plunge in the past week-and-a-half, going towards frivolous things such as ice cream cones, couple’s night roller skating, doggy treats for a random dog tied to a bike...
The Buffalo — [email protected]
August 29, 2008
Volume 1, Issue 1
The Buffalo
AROUND THE COUNTRY •
•
•
Minneapolis, MN—Jake Grebens blames tears on “chopping onions” to save his reputation. Miami, FL—35-year-old Greg Vladostovitchcamovavich spells his name correctly for the first time. San Diego, CA—Sally Smith eats a Kraft Cheese Single produced in New Ulm, MN.
Volume 1, Issue 1
August 29, 2008
Walmart cont.
Facebook cont.
home before curfew because he doesn’t have anywhere to hang out at night.” New Ulmians are utterly confused and baffled, wondering how a Walmart store could ever be closed, even just overnight. The idea of a Walmart turning off its lights or having a completely empty parking lot, devoid even of troublesome teenagers’ cars, is unthinkable. We can now only hope for Walmart to get back on its feet and open its doors once again.
rack, and tickets to a Celine Dion concert, which was “even lamer than I could have imagined.” “I just knew Ron liked me! And he’s so sweet! He made up some stuff about not actually wanting to date me, but it’s on Facebook, so it’s official. He must have just been nervous about it,” squealed Sarah in a rather annoying voice that may or may not be one of the reasons Kimball isn’t actually interested. “Do you think it was ‘snakecharmer’?” asked Kimball in a moment of spare time while Duncan wasn’t bothering him., “No, that’s not it. ‘Chauffeur’ has two F’s right?” Hermann managed to say yes before bursting into another fit of laughter, which caused Kimball to whine, “Dude, it’s not funny.” Hermann then, tears of laughter streaming down his face, suggested that perhaps one of Kimball’s keys on his keyboard didn’t work. As of press time, Kimball and Duncan are still official.
The Buffalo — [email protected]
August 29, 2008
Message from the editor
New Ulm Walmart Closes
Welcome to The Buffalo. The Buffalo is a humorous newspaper which reports on whatever it wishes to report on. The articles are mostly, if not completely, made up, although in general they are related to events here at MLC or in the town of New Ulm. The Buffalo staff hopes that you will enjoy their work and laugh at it. On the subject of The Buffalo staff, freelance writers are very welcome. Anyone who wishes to be published is free to send there article to The Buffalo at [email protected]. The e-mail address can conveniently be found at the bottom of every page of The Buffalo. Due to the wishes of the core staff for utter anonymity and secrecy, e-mail is the only method for contacting The Buffalo. Any stories sent to The Buffalo give The Buffalo the right to use all or part of the article. Articles will be edited for appropriateness. The author should also express whether they wish to remain completely anonymous, use a pen name, be given a pen name, or have their actual name used in connection with the article. The Buffalo is also looking for a regular cartoonist. Pictures must be in gray scale, because The Buffalo does not have funds to print color cartoons. Cartoons can be either a comic strip or a single picture with a caption. Appropriateness and humor are the only two factors that affect whether a given cartoon will be printed. The Buffalo, besides being available in print format, is also available in its digital format via e-mail. To place yourself on the mailing list, send an e-mail to The Buffalo requesting that. Print times for The Buffalo are unknown and sporadic. The Buffalo will be distributed at random times, whenever the editor feels like it. Any questions or comments can also be sent via e-mail, and The Buffalo appreciates all contributions. Please enjoy reading The Buffalo.
NEW ULM, MN—Sources report that the New Ulm Walmart, built May 2007, has closed after less than one year of operation. The entire town remains shocked at this unbelievable story. Witnesses claim that the super shopping center, famous for its continuous 24/7 operation, was completely closed, without any lights on inside. Keith Maddock, 23, and Jared Gerbach, 22, were among the eye witnesses who saw the Walmart store closed. They claim the interior of the store was “really dark” as they walked up and that “not even any lights were on.” They also didn’t see any workers in sight, saying, “Even Gary [the greeter] wasn’t there.” Missing Gary was not the only cause of sorrow that night. Maddock, who has a girlfriend, desperately needed to buy some inexpensive, affordably-priced chocolate bars to eat while watching a movie, and was left with no other options. “Even if they were to reopen, I could never go back there. I just can’t rely on Walmart anymore,” sighed Maddock, with a heartrending look of disillusionment on his face. The store, which served more than 150,000 customers in its single year of service, has disappointed many more people than just Keith Maddock. Alonso Sartina, 47, and his wife Alena, 46, were likewise heartbroken to find that they could not purchase affordable groceries at 1 o’clock in the morning. “We have no other time to shop,” Alena explains, “We both work a double shift, 16 hours a day. Now we have no affordable place to buy groceries at 1 am.” Not all were disappointed by the closure though. Randy “Mad Dog” Caplin, New Ulm resident and father of three, was happy about the changes: “Sure I can’t buy dog food at 2 am, but who cares? Now John [his 15-year-old son] is always...
Volume 1, Issue 1
August 29, 2008
Friend hijacks Facebook account, man stuck in unwanted relationship CONCORD HALL—Last week Tuesday, Ron Kimball left his Facebook up on his computer while he was out of the room and his friend Joe Hermann changed his relationship status and password. Ron is now stuck in a relationship with Sarah Duncan, who confirmed the relationship status early Wednesday morning. Hermann, 21, had intended to ask Kimball, 20, if he had filled out the study guide for the upcoming Doctrine test, but since Kimball was gone, decided to “have a little fun.” Knowing that Duncan, 21, was interested in Kimball who couldn’t stand her, Hermann decided it would be fun to add Duncan to Kimball’s account as “currently dating”. “This totally blows. Now Sarah thinks we’re going out, and she won’t believe me that it’s not true, ‘cause it’s on Facebook,” complained a frustrated Kimball, “And for some reason my password won’t work, so I can’t take it off.” Hermann, laughing hysterically, commented, “This is great! He doesn’t even know the password was changed. He just thinks he forgot it!” Kimball continues to be plagued by his unwanted relationship. Sarah constantly texts him, which is especially aggravating because Kimball doesn’t have texting on his phone, so it costs him 15 cents per text. Kimball also is under pressure to view undesirable, feminine oriented movies involving “totally whipped guys” that “aren’t at all realistic.” Further, Kimball’s finances having taken a major plunge in the past week-and-a-half, going towards frivolous things such as ice cream cones, couple’s night roller skating, doggy treats for a random dog tied to a bike...
The Buffalo — [email protected]
August 29, 2008
Volume 1, Issue 1
The Buffalo
AROUND THE COUNTRY •
•
•
Minneapolis, MN—Jake Grebens blames tears on “chopping onions” to save his reputation. Miami, FL—35-year-old Greg Vladostovitchcamovavich spells his name correctly for the first time. San Diego, CA—Sally Smith eats a Kraft Cheese Single produced in New Ulm, MN.
Volume 1, Issue 1
August 29, 2008
Walmart cont.
Facebook cont.
home before curfew because he doesn’t have anywhere to hang out at night.” New Ulmians are utterly confused and baffled, wondering how a Walmart store could ever be closed, even just overnight. The idea of a Walmart turning off its lights or having a completely empty parking lot, devoid even of troublesome teenagers’ cars, is unthinkable. We can now only hope for Walmart to get back on its feet and open its doors once again.
rack, and tickets to a Celine Dion concert, which was “even lamer than I could have imagined.” “I just knew Ron liked me! And he’s so sweet! He made up some stuff about not actually wanting to date me, but it’s on Facebook, so it’s official. He must have just been nervous about it,” squealed Sarah in a rather annoying voice that may or may not be one of the reasons Kimball isn’t actually interested. “Do you think it was ‘snakecharmer’?” asked Kimball in a moment of spare time while Duncan wasn’t bothering him., “No, that’s not it. ‘Chauffeur’ has two F’s right?” Hermann managed to say yes before bursting into another fit of laughter, which caused Kimball to whine, “Dude, it’s not funny.” Hermann then, tears of laughter streaming down his face, suggested that perhaps one of Kimball’s keys on his keyboard didn’t work. As of press time, Kimball and Duncan are still official.
The Buffalo — [email protected]
August 29, 2008
