Issue 02

www.theconstantdisappointment.com

The Constant Disappointment ...Because life isn’t short enough Jubilee Campus Art Installation A Success Nottingham University’s new artwork, the free-standing tower ‘Aspire,’ has been deemed a success by senior university officials, despite causing controversy amongst staff and students. The £800,000 piece has been received positively by art critics across the country, and has been admired by the rich and famous elite from all around the world. “It’s fantastic,” said university treasurer Richard Greenly, “All these marvellous words of support! I’ve had so many kind letters from all walks of life; bankers, businessmen, oligarchs - all of whom are immensely impressed by this symbol of achievement and who now wish to send their children to our fine institution.” The steel statue, which stands at 60 metres tall and weighs 850 tonnes, has been designed to represent the aspirations not only of the university, but of the city itself. In a recent press release, Aspire designer Ken Shuttlecock was quoted as saying “Aspire is a symbol of innovation and ambition - a fusion of art, architecture and engineering.” Even though he does say so himself. Students and staff at the university have been less positive about the installation however, with some dissenters feeling the money could have been better spent actually improving the university, rather than merely representing such change.

Television Review: X-Factor OK fickle audience, bear with me on this one. You may not like what you are about to hear, and it may be hard to listen to, but stay with me. Don’t be tempted to turn over. The following will be interesting; trust me on that. While the above may sound like an exact quote from a Daniel Evans introductory VT, it is actually a genuine plea on my behalf. Because whether you like it or not, I am talking about the X-Factor. First of all, let’s get some of the big names this year covered. There’s 16 year old Eoghan Quigg, who actually isn’t so much of a big name as a collection of letters thrown together to resemble one. It’s as though someone guessed what a name should look like and then got it horribly wrong. At best its 1/10th of a Welsh place-name. Speaking of misguided guesses, Eoghan himself seems merely to be a rough approximation of a human. I am convinced he is some form of alien life—his cold, dead eyes are a sure giveaway. Look at them! There’s nothing there. It doesn’t help that he has the rotting carcass of a small rodent as his hairstyle either. The poor lad looks like a cross between Michael Myers from Halloween, and Shrek, from, err, Shrek 3.

Is Race An Issue? In case you’d been living in a cave, or Dagenham, you will be aware of Barack Obama’s recent election to The White House this November. Much has been said on the issue of Obama’s race; namely the fact that, being the first black president, it signifies growing equality in the US. This is obviously a great thing for America and equal rights in general, and is a beacon of change which the Democrat’s ascension to power now hopefully represents. Student communities, being the bloody liberal woollies we are, have understandably been greatly enthusiastic about the significance of Obama’s race. Craig Crox, SU exec, was our most enthusiastic inter-

December 2008

Issue 2

Popular Society Rebrands Itself “It’s like buying a 500 grand padded bra when for the same money you could buy a lovely pair of new tits,” said student Charles Vincent. There have even been rumours that the statue’s moniker, which was chosen from a selection of competition entries to name the upcoming work, was itself a piece of subversive genius suggested by a guerrilla satirist. The suggestion is that Aspire was not chosen as a representation of the university’s ideologies, but merely as a representation of the structure itself - which is quite literally just a fucking spire. “The name is beautifully ironic,” commented Stephen Fry. “The pretension of art is to imbue bland objects with meanings and symbolisms they don’t deserve. From one perspective that is what the name ‘Aspire’ does. However, from another, it simply highlights the blandness and mundanity of the piece. Brilliant.” At a press conference on Tuesday, University officials denied the importance of such suggestions, claiming them to be unfounded and ridiculous speculations. “We’ll have you know the person who won the competition was actually a pretentious cum-sack, so I think we can throw out such crackpot theories,” exploded project supervisor Twatty McFuckFuck. The university took the opportunity of the recent press conference to announce its new project; to build a new life-size, gold-statue replica of a library.

Despite this, he is rumoured to be developing a relationship with Diana Vickers, a 17 year old starlet who is current favourite to win the show. And win she should. She actually has ‘the X Factor’ - and I don’t even know what that is. Maybe it’s blonde hair, I’m not quite sure how fickle I really am. But either way, she’s a mesmerising performer, and is captivating to watch. Contrast this with the aforementioned Daniel Evans, who is so bland I can barely muster up the energy to be disinterested in him. Watching his performances are the televisual equivalent of chewing cardboard. They may as well wheel out a cadaver each week. Hold on just a second - that explains Eoghan! It all fits! If it’s not the contestants you tune in for, it’s worth watching for the judges alone. Of course there’s Simon Cowell, who’s hairstyle is now so bad it is now actively trying to escape itself. Him and Louis seem to have genuine dislike for each other, which is probably exacerbated by the fact that Louis never quite gets anything right. Ever.

The popular university cocktail society Cock-Soc changed its name last week, citing the need to stay “relevant” and “cutting-edge” as motivating factors. Cock-Soc, formerly ‘Coc-Soc,’ decided to implement this change under fears that the humour inherent in the name was going undetected by its newer members. “We just felt we had to make the joke more obvious,” said Brian Lessley, society president. “I mean, it was funny before, but arguably people weren’t getting it, and we didn’t want such grade-A banter to go unnoticed.” The change has not been uncontroversial. TCD recently saw flyers for the society, pinned up in Lenton, being ripped down angrily by a concerned mother. “I think it’s disgusting, vile, simplistic and guffawish; and our children should not be exposed to it,” she said, before being asked to comment on the name change. The rebranding also faced criticism from the LGBT society, who claimed some of its members were being stolen by Cock-Soc. To combat the problem, LGBT are considering taking legal action over the supposed ‘false-advertising’ the new name is guilty of. Last night, however, LGBT member Graeme Matthews said he was sceptical such an attack would work, given a legal loophole Cock-Soc were reported to be pursuing. “The problem is that in a very real sense the society is full of cocks,” he told TCD. “We simply cannot fight such a claim.” try than her. It’s bound to cause problems. It’s Christmas in the Minogue household all over again. Of course would be cynics claim that such rifts are fabrications, and that we are being manipulated by the all powerful production company. What’s that sorry? We’re being manipulated into being entertained? By a Saturday night entertainment show? Fuck off! And then there are those who whine about it no longer being a true singing contest, with winners not being decided purely on raw talent. The ‘X-Factor’ (which incidentally means an unknown or unidentifiable special characteristic) isn’t judging people on one sole, definable trait. Boo Hoo Hoo. What do you people want, a record contract? I mean really, this is cultural elitism for dummies. Of course we’re being manipulated, but that’s what entertainment is you fools. If you really want to question things, how about you realise that our society as we know it is merely a system of control, and that everything we take for granted is an illusion designed to favour a handful of highly rich and powerful individuals who run our banking cartels.

More interesting though, is the introduction of Cheryl Cole at the start of this current series. Many say there is a rift between her and Dannii Minogue, born out of jealousy and It’s the reptilian humanoids behind it all. Really. It is. competitiveness. Poor Dannii. She’s being supplemented by someone who is And Eoghan’s probably one of them. Vote him out. Before it’s too late. younger, prettier, and more successful in the music indusviewee. “It’s absolutely fantastic news,” he told us. “Brilliant, wonderful and sublime! I couldn’t have asked for a better early Christmas present. I mean, it’s great, just great! I just love black people.” Outside the student community, however, the issue of race has been downplayed, with some saying skin colour was never a barrier to success, and that such talk is merely political correctness gone mad. Newspaper columnist Melanie Phillips wrote, “In America, 98% of black voters voted for Obama, whereas 54% of white voters voted for rival John McCain.” She added, “So, is racism really an issue? I mean, who’s more racist, us or them?”

Convert to Atheism Sick of mainstream religions? Us too, so we’re mounting a high visibility ad campaign. Atheists don't:

   

Proselytize Force their beliefs upon others Ask for your money Close-mindedly accept one doctrine and deny other viewpoints

Why not start things by buying a copy of The God Delusion, a book about Richard Dawkins towering ego? It’s the Atheists’ Bible!

Sponsored Advertisement

bumps books, they go through the rigmarole of acting like the topic needs to be approached with the reverence one would use when casually fishing to see if anyone else No way do you all shop in second hand shops that hilariously overcharge you for things you could find likes stuffing radishes up their arseholes too.

Looked Gay And Now It’s Retro' Fest 2008.

Rahs Are Like, So Lame William Wasteman Yeah, so like I was just chilling, y'know, super casually smoking a fag outside Portland, when I see these God damn Rahs stride sexually over to the NatWest cash machine and smoothly stroke out a bill.

in a rubbish tip. No way do you all go out to some bog standard electro night and do the same things rugby boys do but without any kind of damage being done because you’re made of piss. No way.

“Hey, I’m going to throw this out there.. And it may just be me being silly, but did anyone else used to love saying “Psyche!” at the end of every sentence? I mean, it was probably just me, I’m being silly. Silly, old, quirky me.”

Of course it’s not just you, you fucking prick. You know full well everyone in your age range is more than likely to Look, everyone in this university is (gasp) a fucking have previously had shared similar interests and social student. Practically everyone in Nottingham is some memes. It’s a guaranteed hit.

You KNOW Nottingham. God dammit I was turned on – no, wait, I mean, err… yeah - fucking rahs. Like, Jack Wills. Fake tans. Ugg boots. Gawd, they’re like, so damn privileged. Gaawd, they all like, shop in the same places, and wear the same clothes, and like, get all their money from their parents. They’re so snooty; they’re like, totally missing out on the student experience. THEY probably don't even go to Detonate. THEY probably only go to Isis and Oceana, where they all get naked and have huge private school orgies in a furious flurry of good pronunciation, vodka red-bulls, and sports ties - whilst inhaling rocks of coke off each others immaculately untidy hair. Probably. Does this sound familiar? Do these words ring bells in your brain? Where about in your brain? Is it the agreement part?

form of middle class (its like, totally the biggest class these days). Deal with it. Everyone has so many issues about being middle class, that they end up pointing the finger at the 'rahs' as a safety mechanism against their own class insecurities. Everyone is scared of the unknown. Fair enough, for some people it’s easier to stay in the student bubble, but that’s only because they’re so God damn charming they don't need to go outside campus to be banging class-a hockey first team bitches you wish you could have. If your so 'open minded' and 'liberal' (GO OBAMA!) then why be so narrow minded as to hate on a group of people because they wear Jack Wills? YAWN. BORING. I'd much rather hate YOU, for being so fucking predictable.

I Love 1995

Or is it the part that represents your DEEPEST SUB-CONSCIOUS WISHES AND DESIRES - or, if not, is it the part that actually is your OWN PERSONALITY AND MEMORIES? Everyone knows there are upper-middle class people in the world. Wow. Shit. You spotted that fast. You’re so observant. You’re so socially aware. No way are your dawgs gonna catch you creeping to a ho's house only dressed in your peejays. No way yo - you keep it real. No way do you get your finances get sorted by your parents. No way son, they only pay your rent. Oh yeah, and they 'sorted you out' with that 500 pounds when you pissed/smoked/dabbed all your money away and you called them blubbering from the foetus position you have now permanently adopted because doing adult things other than smoking fags and going clubbing is an insidious and agoraphobic experience.

Does anyone remember Power Rangers? Yeah? How about Space Invaders? Come on, you must do! The 10p crisps? Yeah? They were great weren’t they? Ooh! Ooh! Or those little aliens you got in those eggs? In the jelly. How about when we used to just shit and piss ourselves because it didn’t matter? Yeah? Yeah? ‘Member that? Yeah? We have so much in common. Let’s have sex. Hold on just a second. You know what I actually do remember? I remember a time when we didn’t have to remember things in order to make basic social interactions work. I remember when people lived their lives instead of thinking about a past one. I remember when quirky Generation X titbits were not what constituted a personality. Don’t get me wrong, of course nostalgia is fun to indulge in. Who doesn’t like basking in the warmth of memories where happiness could be bought for 10p, or when a brightly coloured object could keep you entertained for hours? No One. And therein lies my point.

And no way do you and your friends look like you’re in that band that just headlined 'We Look Gay But It’s OK Because In The 80's Everyone

Sentimentality about childhoods are so universalisable that it’s just too easy to talk about it all. It’s lazy and it’s cheap, and everyone secretly knows it. However, every time some mediocre tossbag brings up the topic of.. I don’t know.. Sherbert Dips.. or Goose-

Quotability

Enjoy Yourselves

“We’ve been getting a lot of e-mails from Nigerians lately.” “We must not discard the free-market economic policies which… gave us the strength to bankrupt the rival nation of Iceland” “Just because the sun isn’t smiling doesn’t mean you can’t!” “If you want free beer check the bins” “..we manage to have a great time and pull it off stylishly too” “On a mannequin with a funnel-stick waist, tantamount to the size of a golf ball.” “Locate the fattest girl in the club. Leap. Hang on. See how long you can ride the whale.” “Legend has it that you can purchase 37 sachets of your favourite condiment” “..women love a strong and bold female character.”

J. L

Impact 193

Everyone says that University is the best three years of your life. Great, well I’m glad that’s sorted. Now I can relax. Or maybe not... Maybe this isn’t all there is. Maybe there is life beyond university. Maybe the best years of our lives amount to more than just this comfy, easy, spoon-fed existence. Freshers’ week, the best week of my life? Well now you mention it, having the same night six times in a row was amazing… Come on, it wasn’t even the best week in September. Its not that I don’t like Uni; I honestly do. But why label it straight away as the highlight of our fleeting stint on Earth? I’d be pretty depressed if I thought my life had peaked on the Ocean dance floor amongst 2000 other people so terrified of not having the time of their lives that they force themselves to believe this is as good as it gets. And I admit to doing this myself. But we have to realise, our time as

However, people respond with wide eyed amazement to such drivel, as though the orator is some sort of sort of memory shaman, and not merely a useless wankstain selling out his own childhood to charm his associates. “Oh my God!!! I do remember those. Wow! How funny! And the little straws! And Carlton’s dance! Wow. That’s brilliant.” I mean, it all just seems like cheating to me. By retreating to the warmth and comfort of childhood people create rapport instantly, using the reflections of themselves as innocent children to be projected onto their current selves. It undermines anything us kids ever stood for. Was my love of Lion King for nothing more than future whoring about? Did Jurassic Park mean nothing to me other than it being a pre-emptive calculated game plan for my future self to try getting some girl? No. No it didn’t. That shit meant something. It should be preserved rather than dirtied and trivialised. Maybe I’m just bitter. Maybe I’m angry that things I used to like that weren’t seen as cool are now being traded on as just that. Maybe I’m angry that people even have the affront to demonstrate their formulaic coolness as risky social leadership into territories unexplored. Maybe I just wish I’d spotted this goldmine of charm before. Then again, I’m probably being too negative. Maybe I should look at it all differently. Who knows, maybe this means the useless shit I’m into now may in future become some sort of kitsch classic; and my insecurities about it all will be realised as misguided. Maybe we’re all the same, just none of us have realised it yet! This is it guys, this is the revolution! Why wait 10 years? Come on everyone, join me, we don’t need to be afraid any more. Repeat after me. “I’m going to throw this out there. Do you remember when we all used to smear ice cream over our naked bodies and do interpretive dance around our rooms? Yeah? While listening to Mika. Yeah?” “Probably just me eh? Un-bloody-likely! Silly old me on my own on this? Ha! I don’t bloody think so, right? You fucking love it.” Wait for it. “Oh. My. God!” students doesn’t truly correlate to real life at all. I want to get married, have kids, get a job, even worry about the credit crunch. For some people, Uni might well be their golden age. That’s fine. But equally, it might not. And that’s fine too. People don’t often ask me for advice. That’s probably a good thing. But sometimes I like to give it anyway. So here goes. Don’t let people tell you when you have to have your best years. Don’t worry yourself trying to force thirty-six months to define you. There’s so much else to come in life. Just relax and look forward to it.

Hate Everyone? Then kill them. Kill them all. Alternatively you could write for TCD. Email me at: [email protected]. Also, being a weak willed and needy individual, feedback is much appreciated. Send your fawning sycophancy to the above address, along with a recent photo of yourself.

Misguided Boast: Disclaimer: I made all of this up. Any quotes, names, stories or incitements to murder are entirely fictional and should be forgotten immediately. This probably explains why a lot of the names are edited, altered or ‘misspelt.’