Issue 0101

Volume 1 Number 1

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

January 5-16, 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is”

Student starves to death over Winter Break

Evelyn Yarzebinski/Photo Editor Above: Junior Luree Miller frolics jovially in the snow, her snow-angel an unspoken testament to the late Donny Durden. Right: Junior Britt Harvey creates a monument in honor of her deceased fellow student. Or maybe she’s just making a snowman. Who knows?

Evelyn Yarzebinski/Photo Editor

Freshman’s dead carcass found dead in Market Central after Winter Break ently decided to spend starved to death over the break on-campus. Winter Break. Staff Writer/Editor “He said his par“We searched his ents were room, found going on a no food,” Freshman Donny cruise or Officer Durden was found dead Everyone needs something Brian of the from starvation food. and that Pitt Police Wednesday morning said. “What -Officer he didn’t behind the “Flying to go traces there Star” at Market CenBrian want home and were of it tral. stuff like seemed to Forensics experts that, so he’d just, you reasoned that Durden’s have been consumed know, stick it out over the break.” corpse had been there here,” said freshman Although most stufor several weeks, and Steve Norton, Durden’s dents go home for the that the freshman had roommate. break, Durden appar-

By: Jake Swanson

Expert police investigators found that Durden left his room on multiple occasions, always heading for either the Quick Zone in the base of Towers or Market Central. “Everyone needs food, and the Durden kid needed it to live, just like everyone else. But the spots were closed over break; the sucker wasn’t getting any food there,” said Brian. Market, Page 2

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CORRECTION

Police Blotter

The January 9th issue’s story about deodorant being a calorie-burning snack was incorrect; researchers informed us that the consumption of deodorant is actually, in scientific terms, “pretty f***ing gross.”

Info gathered by Jess Edelstein

Furthermore, the story about President-elect Barack Obama waking up with a drunken hooker was incorrect; that was me. Finally, as many people informed us, the January 9th issue did not exist. The Pittiful News regrets this error and assures its readers that we hope that further incidents will not happen.

Student Found Dead Market, Page 1

After apparently eating all of his and his roommate’s food, Durden turned to more desperate measures. Namely, crime. “He tried to break into other students rooms,” Brian said. “His fingerprints are all over everyone’s doors. It’s scary what someone can do when they’re desperate for a meal. Lucky those kids had their doors locked. They might have had their stuff stolen.”

Wednesday, January 14 2:27 p.m. -- Police received a report that residents of Pennsylvania and Panther Halls were rioting naked outside in the cold in protest of the stingy new hours for their coffee carts. Three individuals had fallen asleep in the snow due to lack of caffeine, officials report. Why they didn’t just go down the hill for their afternoon coffee break remains a mystery. 6:07 p.m. – Police cited non-affiliate, Jonathan J. Johnson, homeless, for defiant trespassing in Market Central. Officials say Mr. Johnson claimed it was the best meal he’d eaten all year, and proceeded to vomit on the officer. He is currently residing in a UPMC hospital recovering from a mild case of food poisoning.

Thursday, January 15 3:52 a.m. – A man in South Oakland looked suspicious. 8:31 a.m. – Police received a report from a staff member that someone had removed the Christmas trees from several Nationality Rooms in the Cathedral of Learning. An officer consoled the distraught woman after reminding her that the Christmas season was over and that the trees were actually taken out by Pitt officials. 12:03 p.m. – A Book Center employee was verbally assaulted by a student who tried to return books from a class he was thinking about dropping. The student allegedly got angry after being told that more than three days had passed since he bought the books and was therefore not eligible for a full refund unless he actually dropped the class. The student apologized and the employee did not press charges. “I had just left my One unfortunate freshman, Lucy Sta- door a little bit open, mos, did suffer that I guess, I mean,” she said. “I mean, like, I fate. hadn’t thought any-

one would get in over break, so I didn’t bother to check. It sucks, cause I really like Easy Mac Market, Page 4

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opinions Wide Ruled Notebooks are racially inferior By: Rachel Harris Staff Writer

You know what makes me angry? Wide Ruled notebooks. Seriously, people: not only are these monstrosities harmful to the environment, sacrificing the lives of countless trees for the sake of supplementary, superficial, and superfluous writing room, they are an aesthetic nightmare.

The extra few millimeters of vertical distance, while it may seem desirable for those heathens with sprawling script, requires the demise of countless fibrous flora, who happen to be our friends. Let it be known that College Ruled notebooks have several more lines in them than Wide Ruled ones do. Assuming that one writes something on every line, this means

that a small number of pages in a College Ruled notebook equals a way bigger number of pages in Wide Ruled. Multiply that by the millions of notebooks undoubtedly used annually, and you’ve got yourself an environmentalist’s nightmare. Who the heck needs all that extra space? Is your handwriting claustrophobic? Does it need to roam freely like caribou across the tundra

of a few extra millimeters of space a Wide Rule gives it? I, for one, think not. It is entirely unreasonable to create something as silly as a Wide Ruled notebook. Unfortunately, it seems to have escaped the notice of notebook manufacturers that a Wide Ruled notebook, with its awkwardly spaced horizontal blue lines and fattened margins, is about as elegant as an Notebooks, Page 4

Student’s depression brings misery to lives of self, friends, and advice columnist Honest Advice from Jack Aze Q: Dear Mr. Aze, As this first semester has neared its end, I have become more and more depressed over time. I have lost interest in all my hobbies, despite the fact that I do not have much to do. Furthermore, I have drawn away from the outside world and have refused to even try to talk with anyone new. The friends I have made this semester no longer try to contact me, most likely because I have become too much of a downer for them. To top it off, my classes have started to slip. I can only imagine that the next semester will worsen with time. Ben Cryan A: Mr. Cryan, I regret to inform you that while you have weaved quite the tale of woe, you have told it to the wrong audience. This is a college newspaper. As such, no one reading this cares about your depression. Luckily [for me], you never asked a question so there is nothing I can answer. Perhaps you will have more success telling your story to a counselor or some high school girl’s blog. They live for drama for some reason. The high school girls. Counselors too now that I think about it. Hmm. Anyway, tough luck! Jack Aze

WANT TO WRITE/TAKE PICTURES/ EDIT/DO ANYTHING FOR US? E-mail us @: PittifulNews @gmail.com Or, come to the meetings WED: 8:30-9:30 Bouquet Gardens D THURS: 8:45-? Cathedral 304

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Remember that student from pages one and two? He’s still dead Market, Page 2

and it was all gone when I got back from break.” Stamos’s food was not enough to survive. Police estimate that he had finished off her food about a week into break. After that, his methods became more barbaric. Police found several bite marks along the edge of Durden’s computer desk. “He definitely tried to eat his desk,” said Officer Brian.

PitTiful News staff Jake Swanson (Editor) Jess Edelstein Rachel Harris Rebecca Kerner John Mooney Phil Papa Julie Rozen Matt Russak David Smersky Laurel Steuernagel Eileen Tong Evelyn Yarzebinski

just curled up and died With only a small amount of time to live, behind that burger Durden seems to have place. Kinda pathetic, made one last attempt really,” said Brian. Durden’s to get food He definitely death will from Martried to eat his not go unket Central. avenged. “We’re desk. guessing he -Officer Market Central and the crawled Brian Quick Zone there. There now intend are marks from his belly all along to keep a full supply of food on their shelves at the floor of Towers all times, including over Lobby. He probably break, in order to comfound that there was bat starvation. still no food there and

“It’s a new idea, but we’re giving it a try,” said Irvin Dunham, a spokesperson for Sodexho. Furthermore, the “Flying Star” in Market Central will be giving out free burgers on Saturday in memory of Durden. Meal Passes are still required to gain access to the event, but after entering the cafeteria, be sure to get your free burger.

All notebooks are equal, but some are more equal than others Notebooks, Page 3

elephant on a bicycle. They are the ungainly buffoons of modern stationery. I have no doubt that the IQ of a Wide Ruled notebook is significantly lower than that of the College Ruled notebook. We’re in college now, E-mail us comments, and they have noteconcerns, anything @ [email protected] books just for us; who else do you think Col-

lege Ruled notebooks were intended for? Certainly it stands to reason that having any other type of rule is pointless for students studying at the university level. I suspect that one day soon companies will start marketing Graduate School ruled notebooks, with aesthetically pleasing navy

blue lines that are spaced even closer together than College Ruled notebooks. It will be a great day for the notebook industry. Because admit it: you’d totally go to grad school for the purpose of using a cooler notebook.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear Editor (Jake) I am writing this to complain about some recent events in our apartment. First of all I would like to ask you to stop playing my xbox without telling me. It shuts down my internet and I have been disconnected one or two times during the process of research. Secondly I want to inform you that the volume on your computer in your room is way too loud. The walls are paper thin and I can hear everything… I mean everything. Also I would appreciate it if you would stop writing weird and awkward things on our chalkboard especially when my parents are coming in to drop off supplies. I mean is it too much to ask that when my parents come in the do not have to look at a picture of a bunny going on a rampage killing everything in sight. If you could just stop these couple events it would just be peachy. —Your roommate, Dave