Issue 01

The Constant Disappointment ...Because writing is for reading

Issue 1

Impact Reaches 20th Year Anniversary Milestone Impact magazine celebrated its 20th year anniversupport to be adopted by the University and given sary last week with an understated yet jubilant party official funding. in the Impact Offices last Friday. Now on its 180th issue, the magazine is enjoying unchartered frequency and is known for it's superb Formed in October 1988 by then-student Peter availability. It prides itself on relevant and interestQuistgard, Impact was initially conceived as a ing news stories, it's unpretentious opinion pieces, subversive, underground magazine borne out of and its ability to cultivate the best writers the unifrustration at the lack of a student voice at the Uni- versity has to offer. It has even kept up its individuversity. Early editions of the magazine show Quist- alistic streak, never shying away from exploring gard to be angry at the banalities of the staff run student subcultures of going to shitty nightclubs and newsletters of the time, which he felt painted a very getting meaninglessly drunk. stereotyped and simplistic picture of University life. Such endeavours have not gone unnoticed. Impact "Who writes this sub-standard, mediocre shite?" he was voted the winner in The Guardian's Student wrote in one article, bemoaning the way the newsMedia Awards in 2001 (pipping St. Matthews Priletter pandered to a mass audience. "If I wanted to mary’s special feature publication 'Mary Done a hear a cheap stereotype of student lifestyles, I’d go Guff' to first place). While this prestigious accolade talk to a middling tosser out on a fancy dress night.” was achieved with a completely different set of staff to those currently working on the magazine, it is Despite the cynical and misanthropic styling, Imstill most definitely relevant and well worth menpact grew in popularity and eventually had enough tioning at every opportunity.

Students Protest Over ‘Unethical’ Library cards Mixed Hockey VIIths In Challenging Fixture th

Praise has been forthcoming from other sources. Here at TCD we sent a recent copy of Impact to celebrated comic and broadcaster Stephen Fry, explaining the milestone the magazine was going to reach. Stephen responded most positively, and wrote back saying, "It's amazing that this has gone on for so long. Truly remarkable!" Unsurprisingly, the mood at Impact's offices last Friday was triumphant. Witnesses described seeing editors celebrating with glasses of champagne, congratulating each other whole-heartedly and repeatedly slapping each other on the back, pausing only to occasionally fellate themselves. Festivities went on well into the night, with the gathering dispersing at around 2am. Asked to comment on this special event, editor Rob Barton became confused and incredulously asked, "What anniversary?"

Coc-Soc Initiation Ceremony Divides Leaders

Students staged a silent, peaceful and carbon neutral protest this week over the university’s ‘draconian’ library loaning system.

Nottingham’s Mixed Hockey 7 team were last night decisively beaten in a charity match against the local children's’ hospice side.

Coc-Soc, the university cocktail society, kicked off this year’s social calendar with a successful initiation ceremony a week into the current term.

Protestors, who call themselves the ‘Equality Basically Means Equality” group, maintain that storing information about the books borrowed is a breach of privacy and threatens our civil liberties.

The team, composed of ten females and one male, were beaten 14-1 in a match that spectators described as embarrassing to watch.

Participants were required to run a gruelling 3 mile course before returning to take part in a 90 minute match of football. Hardcore competitors then went on to a local gym to do as much exercise as they could, within health limits imposed by an independent watchdog.

“It’s endemic of our surveillance culture,” protestor Laura Mansfield told TDA, “What next? DNA swabs upon entry? Video cameras in our hall rooms? The mind boggles.” The university’s response is one of defiance, and a spokesperson for the institution said “Recording what books students have borrowed is key to managing stocks and keeping our supply consistent. Nothing more. It is as central and important a system as keeping tabs on who’s enrolled in the university.” The Equality group maintained they will continue to pursue the matter however, and have recently announced that they will also be looking into the unethical policies concerning pupil enrolment, which they feel exploit third world sweatshop workers who are employed to manufacture computer keyboards.

National News

Amanda Bryant, captain of Nottingham Ladies Hockey team, defended the team’s performance. “It was just unfortunate who we were up against. They had an unfair advantage from the off in that they had superior hand-eye co-ordination.” The match raised the age-old debate of whether women can actually play sport.

“It was fucking mental,” said one first year participant, “People were out of breath, knackered - some of us were literally downing glasses of water by the end of it.” The initiation was not uncontroversial however, with some of the society’s leaders reportedly unhappy with the tone set by the initiation.

Mark Beverley was one dissenter, and told TCD: “I don’t see why they [fellow society members] thought Spokeswoman for Feminine Equality, Janet Pickles, that this was appropriate. The health benefits could be said in response to the match and the resulting unprecedented.” “I don’t understand,” said long time member Kate furore, “All this talk of women being inferior to Bostrom, also upset with the ceremony. “How are we men in the sporting arena is obscene and tantasupposed to bond without alcohol?” mount to rape.”

She then added, “If anything, this match clearly shows that women can literally compete alongside men in a sporting arena,” presumably before going off to have a cry and a lie down.

who have been stockpiling bread since the impending shortage was announced. Supermarkets have struggled to keep up with this demand. Bakers In Panic as Bread Shortage Announced There will be a shortage of bread next week, exEfforts from the government to calm the public perts announced yesterday, which led to panic in have so far gone unheeded. bakeries across the country. Many journalists put this lack of faith in the calmExperienced bakers, bowing under market presing measures down to the previous predictive sucsures, responded by selling their supplies of flour cess of the expert body who reported the impending and yeast in a frenzy many speculated were indica- shortage. tive of the extent of the crisis. Richard Littlejohn wrote, “Usually what these “We just can’t risk holding on to our stocks if we’re people say turns out true, even if there had been no going to be producing less bread next week,” said prior signals nor reasons indicating such phenomThomas Brunch, a baker in Meltham, Bradford. ena previously. It really is remarkable—bordering “The bread market is set for trouble, we have to get on clairvoyancy.” out while we can.” Recent predictions that the expert panel would soon The alarm has even started spreading to consumers, bitterly disband prompted arguments in the group.

Coc-Soc continues to be one of the most popular university societies, despite being no stranger to controversy. Last year it faced criticism from the university Dean, who commented, “There is no way ’Coc-Soc’ can call itself a fucking society. It’s just a load of brain-dead livestock getting pissed up.”

Last night no one was available to comment Actor Calls for End to ‘Sachsgate’ Andrew Sachs yesterday called for the deplorable actions of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to be put in the past, so that he and his family can move on from the incident with dignity and grace. The pair, who joked about sleeping with Sach’s grand-daughter, outraged the public with their lewd conduct last Saturday on former heroin addict Russell Brand’s BBC Radio 2 show. Since then, here at TCD we have campaigned tirelessly for such indiscretion and such a breach of privacy to be punished. We are of the opinion that some matters should simply be kept private, such as the fact that Brand Cont’d overleaf, bottom left

Stop Procrastinating Last night was so wild. I procrastinated so much, I alphabetised my entire CD collection. It was like, two hours of serious time wasting.” “Dude, that’s cool. I procrastinated so much yesterday, I tidied my entire room, opened a bank account, and learnt 90% of Wikipedia.” “You guys! I spent half of yesterday avoiding work to such an extent that I got confused and shaved of all my body hair. Look at that. Nothing!”

uncontrollable nerves which need to be farted out in I mean, we should just get the fuck on with it. Procrastinating, that is, not working. Enjoy it. Prothe direction of their equally psychologically malcrastination isn’t always procrastination. Sometimes nourished peers. it’s simply ‘doing things other than working.’ Every The sheer naughtiness of denying themselves their activity you enjoy is not an activity done instead of compulsion to work is so overwhelming, that after work, it’s supplementary to it. reaching an illicit, thundering orgasm they are compelled to tell the world of their anarchic daring. So do whatever quirky shit you useless bum drizFor such people FaceBook statuses such as “Drone1 zles are prone to doing. Watch the Lion King. Buy a hilarious apron. Go look up irreverent pop culture is procrastinating” are tautologous, - the very fact titbits on Wikipedia. Whatever you do, just don’t go they managed to squeeze open a window of Faceon about it.. book a glaring indictment of their not-working status.

“Pfft. Grow up you lot. I procrastinated so hard, I didn’t even get round to procrastinating. No, I just sat there silently for 5 hours, not even moving once. Such people are motivated by a misplaced guilt, a That’s hardcore.” needy requirement for reassurance, and a nasty pinch of sabotage. OK, hands up - who has used the term ‘procrastination’ as a hobby, favourite activity, We all know we could be doing more, which is why Facebook status, or description of what they’ve some people are struck with fear during down time. done with their day? Right, quite a lot of you. OK, We could all do better if we put in more effort, read now see those hands? Punch yourself with them. more articles, or saved more Third World countries I’m serious. In the face. from starvation (for the C.V. and that). We have to In fact – punching yourself in the face – that sounds justify our failure to live up to our glorious potenlike a great new idea for a hobby, doesn’t it? Imag- tials by advertising that our shortcomings are someine it. It’s edgy, it’s out there. It’ll become an easy how within our control. way to bond with your peers. You can discuss it as a lazy conversation topic. Imagine it, we can com“Yeah, I may not be on a very good salary, but I pare who’s done it the most to themselves – who believe if you check my Facebook status on the 4th hurt themselves the worst. And then we can put it October 2008 you will clearly read that I was proon Facebook. crastinating. I was on course to presidency before I decided that I was too much of a bloody free spirit to give a shit. Probably could’ve shagged your wife too, if I’d have been arsed.”

OK. Everyone procrastinates, that in itself is no big evil. However, what I am wondering is why, in the student community, has procrastination become such a phenomenon in and of itself? Since when did And while you’re kidding yourself, you may as well it become cool—a byword for aloof nonchalance to fool some others too. You need to advertise your work and all things academic? lack of work to prevent others working. You create an image of a glorious utopia, spinning elaborate I must have missed the memo. I mean, I seem to worlds in which work and success do not go hand in recall something being passed around at primary hand. Having secured an agreement with a friend school about work being something that losers do, over this shared vision, you both leave serene in the but I kind of assumed we were at fucking university knowledge that the other is absolutely fucked. now.

How To Live What is it with people and their opinions? Why do they have to walk about cluttering our world with them? You can’t move out there for some tosser huffing and puffing their way through some absolute tosh they think is worth sharing. As if anyone really gives a shit what anyone but themselves thinks. Really, they’re utterly horrible things; ill thoughtout guffs of emotion barely filtered out into some vaguely cohesive structure, spaffed out into the world almost as soon as they were conceived. Terrible. Almost like people really. As a general disclaimer, it is worth mentioning at this point that I do not have opinions, I have facts. Anyway, this is why magazine reviews grate on me. I’m still not 100% sure why some pretentious sap thinks I want to be told what to do with my music taste, especially given that said advice is clearly from the brain of an odious, self important buffoon. The type of people who write reviews are the type of people who think they’re worth something in the first place. The type of people who think what’s missing from our artistic opinions is a step by step guide of how to form them. Can we even trust these people have worthwhile beliefs in the first place?

If this isn’t the case, if they don’t believe reviews can influence opinions, then why write them? “Ooh we’re just expressing our passions. It’s an outlet! You won’t be, of course. You’ll do some work - just We’re raising awareness of our favourites.” Maybe I’m missing the point - maybe that’s too a little. It’d be silly not to. simplistic. Who’s listening though? In the absence of some It’s tempting to feel sorry for these people, living vague integrity and therefore a trusting reader, it all In actual fact, people probably go on about procras- their working lives as some sort of elaborate game seems like narcissistic sociopathy - splurting out enthusiasm regardless of the effect on anyone else. tinating for very different reasons. I have a theory of poker, bluffing and manipulating their way Like a desperate performer furiously masturbating that people who obsess over it are in fact those most around, but compassion’s not really what I’m all on stage to a disinterested audience, reviews are conscientious about the work. Any second they are about. unconvincing. Or at least I think so. relaxing causes a mad rush of giddy excitement, of cont’d from page 1, bottom right ..slept with Sach’s granddaughter. We’re proud to have brought the issue to the public’s attention to the extent we have, for otherwise they may not have realised that Brand actually said that he slept with Baillie. Baillie, a member of Satanic Sluts burlesque group, says the embarrassment to her and her grandfather was reprehensible. “No one deserves to be sexualised and objectified like that,” she said during a kiss and tell interview with The Sun on Tuesday. Tomorrow, here at TCD, we will launch a new week long campaign, “Let Sachs Forget His Ordeal Quietly and With Dignity,” and we will accompany our first edition with a summary of the story so far. Hopefully with this we can repair some of the damage these supposed ‘comics’ have done to our national treasure, the elderly actor Andrew Sachs.

Quotability

Write For Me

“A week long party is exciting enough, and the fact it was all done in fancy dress made me sure I’d definitely picked the best uni in the UK.” “It was clear to me: The Zimbabwean public has had enough of Mugabe.” “The result is a penetrative probing of our very human nature as we ask ourselves - are we really any better than a giant killer shark with a limited conscience?” “Albert Einstein is an award-winning physicist best known for his theory of relativity and mass-energy equivalence, E=mc2” “I myself am not averse to wearing my pjs to Jacksons” “I take a pro-plus, sign out of facebook, and unwrap my kebab”

If you want to write for TCD, email me at [email protected]. Make sure you’re not shit.

Impact 192

I will, unlike with my own haphazard shite, be unfairly picky. Any articles containing the words banter, lash, fresher’s flu, Isis, Karni cocktail, bare, kebab or rah will be refused. They also may be edited to include Nazi propaganda and forwarded to police.

The Mic Review Corner The Torrents—You Make No Sense Heard of them? No, us neither. Five Stars! *****

Because I’m a coward regarding laws I have no patience to research, I should probably clarify that all of this is made up, and any resemblance to real people living or dead is intentional yet unfounded. I am a dickhead e.t.c. e.t.c.