In Interpersonal Relationships

Love in Interpersonal Relationships

Lecture by Dr. Alan D. DeSantis My Favorite Romantic Drama

What is Love? ◆ Robert

Sternberg’s Three Ingredients

– 1. Intimacy » -Sharing, communication, mutual support, trust

– 2. Passion » Not just physical, also emotional

– 3. Commitment » Long-term focus

Sternberg’s Ingredients ◆ All

Three are needed!

– Only intimacy, you have friendship – Only passion, you have infatuation/lust – Only commitment, you have empty love ◆ But

how can we account for the different types of love people experience?

Six Types of Love From Lee (1976)

My Favorite Classic Romance

The Theory of Love Types ◆ ◆ ◆

1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in our relationships 2. What separates us is the degrees of each (each person is different) 3. Degrees can change with time – In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest

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4. Every relationship we have may differ: – In your first relationship, you are insecure & passionate » (Because s/he was non-committal & sexual) – In your next, you are calm & relaxed » (Because s/he was nurturing and warm) – Key: Others make us who we are in relationships

2 4 3 My Chart

1) Eros Love ◆ ◆

Highly passionate, sexual, & intense Often Believe in: – Love as Magical – Love as fate – Love at first sight

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Very “American” Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet /

Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella – Hollywood loves eros love!

2) Ludus Love ◆

The “Players” love

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Will often: – – – – –

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Keep their passions in check Avoid trouble and intensity Feel uncomfortable about commitment Keep secrets Have affairs

Remember, we all have a little ludus in us When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun), they leave Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons – Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros-Eros is crushed

3) Storge Love ◆

Peaceful and slow – Not passionate and intense

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Friendship is key – Difficult to separate from friendships

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This love . . . – Develops over time – Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement » Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus

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Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy / Tootsie

4) Pragma Love ◆ ◆

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Practical Looking for “types” – Parents, $, race, nationality, family, etc. Love is logical & More stable – Not magical, but rational Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill – Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love--but is unhappy

5) Mania Love ◆

Extreme highs and lows – Jealousy – Obsessive

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Self-worth comes from the relationship – Nothing else matters

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Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan Hollywood Formula: slashing tires, stalking, going into exile, drinking, etc..

6) Agape (Alan) Love ◆

This love is . . . – Compassionate – Selfless – Egoless

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No concern for personal reward or gain – Want the best for the other person

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Movie: Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q / Casablanca /

Test Time ◆ ◆

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Take out pen and paper Number your paper from 1 to 24 Select one relationship to analyze – Past or Present

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Be honest---these will NOT be collected!

Love It!!

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1) My lover and I have the perfect physical chemistry between us 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant for each other (fate) 3) My lover and I really understand each other (soul mates) 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty (my idea of a “10”) 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her 6) I believe that what my lover doesn’t know about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets)

Love??

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7) It is important that our relationship is fun and exciting 8) When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want them to back off 9) To be genuine, love must develop over time (not an over-night thing) 10) I expect to always be friends with my lover 11) Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion 12) Our love is the most satisfying because it developed from, and is based on, a deep caring relationship

Too Sappy

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13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background 14) A main consideration in choosing my lover was whether my family would approve 15) An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent 16) One consideration in choosing my lover was what career he/she selected 17) When things aren’t right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I can’t sleep

I Don’t Get It?

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19) When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over (emotionally, physically, etc.)

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20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else 21) I try to always help my lover through difficult times 22) I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer 23) When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally 24) I would endure all things for the sake of my lover

Gotta Love the 80s

Calculating the Results: ◆

Statements » 1-4 are Eros » 5-8 are Ludus » 9-12 are Storge » 13-16 are Pragma » 17-20 are Manic » 21-24 are Agapic

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Not All Love Is Healthy Love

Highlight your high and low brackets – 3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers

Now What? ◆

1) What do these findings tell you about yourself? – Illuminate Mistakes? – Illuminate Successes? – Do you wish you could make different decisions about love?

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2) Do it again with another “love” in mind – See how they differ

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3) Have your boy/girlfriend take the test with you

I’m Embarrassed

General Findings ◆

I. National Findings on Love Test – A. Men: Eros and Luduc – B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and Stroge – C. Age and Evolution » Eros and Mania are “young” loves » In time, couples grow into Stroge and Agape love

YUK!!

General Research ◆

II. National Statistics on Love and Sex – A. Infatuations » First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6) » First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6)

– B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner » Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M » % of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M ◆

Notice: Sex comes before love

– Note: Since “oral sex” is not considered “sex,” figures are misleading » Many still consider themselves “virgins” even after multiple oral partners

General Research ◆

III. Romantic Love (believe it or not) – A. Married men have a more romantic concept of love than their wives » Men believe in love at first sight more » More men believe love can overcome anything

– B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons other than love » In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other ways » Today, only about 10% of American women say they would (Whitehead, 2003) ◆ 49% in Indians ◆ 51% in Pakistan

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III. Romantic Love (cont.) – C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get re-married » And sooner

– D. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier, but not so for women » Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have no support system and no one to talk to about life’s stresses ◆

Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce

» Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most relationships (even when both are working outside the home)

General Findings ◆

IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP Survey)

– 60% of couples 45-60 years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples) – 20% over 75 report having sex once a week – After 50 years of age, men become more romantic; women become more sexually assertive – Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive

Beautiful Film