I Haven't Moved On At All

Just want you to read this before I die today! Haha,. Joke lang. Pls. read this. Dili ni sya death note nako. Haha.

Hello friends. I’m here again to pour my heart out in this letter. This is a combination of English, Bisaya and tagalog uG uban pa. ha-ha. I’m just kidding. Haizh, just recently, I stopped courting the girl that I love. As I remember it was September 4, 2009. Maybe it was not a good idea but maybe for her t’was good. To tell you honestly, for two months o f courting her, she told me twice that we are better off as friends. The first time she said that to me, I didn’t listen. In fact, a day after she told me that, I talked to her and I gave her a rose. Maybe that was a sign for friendship or assign that I will not give up on her. She told me that she’s not ready for any relationship in that time. She also told me that all she can give me is just friendship. And I told her that I will wait for that time that she will be ready. Sounds so martyr right? But because of what she told me, I gave my all just to let her see how much I love her. I gave her a rose almost 3 times a week. Maybe it sounds corny but that’s my style. Thanks for my friends for their support on that time. I never stopped loving her. In fact, when she told me that she will transfer to a new apartment, I planned for a welcome surprise for her. Thank God that the apartment that she will be moving is the same apartment where my classmate is living. So I told my classmate that I would decorate her room for a surprise and in deed my classmate helped me. My section, A4 Café, helped me in preparing the letterings for the surprise. They were very supportive to me. They even told me, “Swertea pud ana niya oh. Syaro pud if dili pa ka sugton ana. Bilib na jud mi nimo.” But what they didn’t know was that the gurl just told me a week ago that “we are better off as friends”. But still I appreciated their effort for helping me. Back to the surprise thingy, I also bought a stuff toy for her and a card. Then I prepared her room for my little surprise for here. Honestly, it was my first time to do that. Hehe. Thank god she appreciated what I’ve done. I was very happy that she appreciated it and she was happy for my surprise. Haizh. She told me that she doesn’t know how to thank me for that. Because of that I told myself, maybe this is it; maybe this is the time that she would fall for me. And still, I never stopped giving her a rose after my surprise for her. And now I just wonder what did she do to all the flowers that I gave her?? Hehe. August 25. Evening. I was studying at that time then I received a message in my phone. It was her. She told me that she has something to tell me. I already have in my mind an idea of what she would tell me. Just as what I’ve thought, she told me that she just wanted us to be friends. FOR THE SECOND TIME! And I asked her why and she answered me that was all she can give me. She told me that she tried to make herself fall for me but it’s only friendship that she can give back in return. She also told me, “I appreciate all the things that you’ve than for me. I just don’t know how to thank you.” “I just don’t know how to thank you”, what does that mean? I just really can’t understand why she told me that. Haizh. But then, I understood that she just wanted us to be friend. I accepted it because it was her decision. My role there was just to give all my best to show her how much I love her and to make her love me too, and accept her answer whether it’s bad or good. I feel so depressed because of that. Because of my depression I formulated a nursing diagnosis for myself: Altered Thought Process r/t “she just wanted us to be friends for the second time”. I always questioned myself for what was lacking in that she didn’t love me as much as I love her. Haizh. But still I never stopped loving her. I told myself that I won’t give up on her even though it hurts. Am I that martyr or I’m just stubborn?? Haizh. I just thank that we’re still friends. Hmm. September 4, 2009. I got tired of all. I knew that there’s nowhere to go for the feeling that I have for her. I accepted my defeat. I stopped courting her. I told her about it and it was like she seconded the motion. It was difficult for me to do that. I thought that there was no tomorrow for me after that. I was totally down after that. Because of that, I was ashamed of myself. It was like I’ve humiliated myself in front of many people. Haizh. I STOPPED COURTING HER BUT I NEVER STOPPED LOVING HER.

Even though we I stopped courting her, we still texted each other and chatted in net. It was just still the same as the other days. I still save her messages, check her Facebook profile everytime I log-in, and exclude her from my GM. This is because she is special to me. haizh. But I told myself, I should move on. I should start a new beginning and look forward to the future. As part of moving on, I deleted all her messages in my phone. But I was not the one who deleted it; I let my friend delete it for me. 1700 MESSAGES DELETED. Sayang diba??? Hehe. I also changed her name in my phonebook but she’s still in my “Favourites”. Hehe. That’s part of moving on. I also send her all the Notes that I made for her that I posted in Facebook. And I ask her about her reaction regarding the Notes that I’ve made. She told me that she was touched and she appreciated it. What hurts me most was when she told me “maypa na fall nalang ko nmo. Haha” unxa man pasabot ana?? Haizh. But I just told her how I wish. Hahaizh. Honestly, I’m still not over her. Starting a new beginning for me has not yet started. I haven’t moved on yet. Hahaizh. Senxa na if la japun ko ka.move on. I know luoy namo nako. Hahaizh. Lilipas din ito. Hahaizh. That’s all folks. Sorry if taas kayo siya. Hehe. Daghan pa jud mali. Pasensya na jud kaayo. Thanks for the time reading this nite. God bless.

PS. Hey, la tika gidaot ani nga note. Ako lang gipagawas kung unsa ako na.feel. Hope makasabot lang ka sa akoa. Yaw lang kalian sa ako. Senxa na kaayo sa disturbo. If malain man gani ka sa akoa, please forgive me. Let’s still be friends. I’m still here always ready for you if you need me. God bless. Time check: 11:04PM Date Check: September 22, 2009