I Hate West Point

Bitter cadet away messages are more than just away messages. They are one of few means of venting. They are an artistic outlet. They receive more attention and consideration than academics. They bring joy into the lives of otherwise jaded individuals. They are a way of life... nay, they are life. A: my damn company failed sami and I havent even been inspected today. WTF....how does this teach me anything? B: It teaches you life is unfair. L: And it teaches you that west point is about as cool as a sandpaper hand-job…..

Why Officers At West Point Are Like Gang Members -- If you make eye contact they feel they have to prove themselves to you by verbally assaulting you. -- They lie to cover for each other -- They have more power than the police, and less restrictions. -- They Travel in groups. -- They consistantly manipulate the rules for personal benefit. This morning at breakfast, the table unanimously decided that they would be willing to take a bullet if it meant that they could graduate today... definitely looking forward to the next 2 and a half years at this "fine institution." so my tac came up with a policy that if you miss a class that your immediate superior has to come "check in on you" every hour on the hour while you're walking hours, I believe this is an excellent developmental tool, because obviously cadets who are treated like perpetual 3 year olds make the best officers, I sure hope they give me a pacifer before they ship me to Iraq "I'm here today to tell you West Point (and West Pointers) deserve neither your respect nor your taxpayer dollars." ~The Inevitable Whistleblower Real Men Of Genius. Today, Bud Light salutes you Mr. Cadet Sergeant Major. For you, obscene rules and anal ideals are nothing but everyday necessities. With ridiculous standards and an even more ridiculous haircut, you crack the whip over not only your classmates, but those who are older, smarter, and higher ranking than you. And why do you do it? Because deep down inside you know you are better than everyone around you, and you know you don't care what anyone else thinks. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light Mr. Emerging Leader, cause without you, Firsties would have no one to laugh at. As I strolled up to my door at 0030, I couldn't help but notice the OC had entered my room. Wasn't just any OC...oh no....it was a TAC NCO. He was having some sort of coronary about how our sink light was still on after midnight. Now I'm not one to bitch...ok maybe I am....but does this man have nothing better to do than threaten me

with shaving my head if I do not turn off my light at midnight. Thats pathetic. Doesn't he have a family, a dog, a pet rock or something? Its fuckin 1230...can I have no peace....? It's a little known fact that the first step off the train at Auschwitz was the IOCT. morale is high here at the academy... "another week... another opportunity to suck” I am 22 years old and I am sitting here cleaning my room on a Friday night so that when my classmates come to inspect my room tomorrow morning they will be pleased that my underwear is folded in neat squares, no more than the allotted number of "nicknacks" are displayed on my desk and dust does not exist. This is a sure-fire way to develop me into... a great... something... if apathy were a virtue, we'd all be saints ready, fire! aim. West Point has been America's premiere leadership institution for over 200 years. Cadets are developed through an intensive 4-year process, in which their rooms are repeatedly ransacked like by vikings. And by vikings I mean 30-something men who hate their thinning hair, their generic wives, their stupid carpet-soiling dog, their sped kids, their 9year-old minivans, their credit card debt, and their shoddy government housing, and take great pleasure in judging a cadet's worth as a complex function of the crisp folds in his/her government-issued tighty whities and the number of personal items on a desk or shelf. Please...I'm like a deer twitching on the side of the highway, soaked in my own blood. Have a damn heart and put me out of my misery. The IOCT was no less impressive today. In an effort to embitter myself anew, I turned my gaze toward the public abortion that is the rope climb. Like koalas with thyroid problems, pear-shaped cadets struggled in vain against the harsh reality of gravity in an attempt to reach the ever-elusive platform. After 37 locks and a hand from Jesus Christ himself, some actually make it to the upper shelf alive, only to pass out at the mere thought of the run. Meanwhile below, their Boodlers brethren flail their court shoes in the air like epileptic sprinters as they struggle to reach the fourth rung of the monkey bars, urged onward by the hope of the Ben & Jerry's reward that surely awaits at the end of the DPE rainbow. God bless you, future leaders of America. You have more pins on your shirt than I do, thus making you a better human being. you know, for a supposedly nice place west point sure seems a lot like an inner city slum -my door is broken and won't shut all the way -my desk is broken -i have no hot water in my room -one of the showers leaks into the room next to it -the heater doesn't work

thank god i'm not paying for this or i'd be pissed 9 out of 10 dentists agree… West point sucks the closer I get to leaving west point the happier I become, allow me to demonstrate with one of my completely bogus mathematical theorems H=2451*Ds^-2.73861 where H is happiness Ds=days of suck remaining -2.73861 is the constant of embitterness as you can see as of midnight with 7 days left H is 11.883, tomorrow will be 18.126, the next is 29.863, H increases exponentially and reaches an upper limit at Ds=.000012 which is 1 second before I leave, after that point H becomes infinitely high and is therefore not measurable using my completely idiotic and bogus formula I love going to work on the IOCT, if for no other reason than to observe the dregs of cadet society. There is no greater pleasure in this twisted hellhole than watching the same cadets who prove that the admissions process is clearly not airtight slip off the shelf/bars and break their falls with their faces and genitalia...except maybe watching the Ben & Jerry's faithful hurl themselves against the wall as fast as their court shoes will carry them, only to cling to the top edge of said wall and spasm like a fucking wounded possum on the side of the highway in a futile attempt to drag their pear-shaped bodies over. Thanks DPE, for bringing out the worst and putting it on display like a fucked up Gong Show. I hope Al-Qaeda never puts up a defensive network of shelves and plywood walls, or we're fucked. I hope all that stuff about good looks, personality, and a sense of humor is a bunch of shit, and what women really want is a guy who can stay up until 4 AM dusting his lights and folding his underwear into Jello-box-sized squares. Hygiene Punishment - Someone used the laundry room when they were not supposed to so we are not allowed to wash our clothes till Jan. 5. Only at West Point... so i bet that i could go all day without being negative, i.e. no ranting, no bitterness, no yelling obscenities… the results? i lasted 15 minutes into breakfast. It's happened...my life has become the aimless trek through an endless hell that I always subconsciously predicted. What did I do in my former lives to deserve this? Did I shoot someone's puppy? Did I run down a nun in the street? Could I have been a baby seal clubber? Maybe I was Judas back in the day. Hell, who knows. All I do know is that if that coin had come up heads, I'd be at Ohio State living in a frat house. words I learned from my Tac NCO: 1. innercators 2. graderated

I have officially lost faith in the officer corps of the United States Army. I have had the concept of personal responsibility drilled into my head for 3+ years now...and all I see is officers and cadets washing their hands of problems...problems that resulted from their own unnecessary orders...problems that resulted from a lack of supervision of the operations under their command. For those of you who are cadets...put no faith in the Center for the Professional Military Ethic or the "values and ethics" they espouse. They talk the talk, but they don't even know what the walk is. People here aren't honorable because they have integrity...they're just honorable enough to stay out of trouble and cover their own asses. Irony that only WP could produce: my laptop is missing from an ethics conference. Sometimes I wish on a shooting star...it's so bright and magical...it fills my eyes with its light...and then I remember that this is West Point and that shooting star is actually the flashlight of some dude who's come to make sure I'm not having sex at 3:30 AM...or maybe to rifle through my shit...or make me pee in a cup....or hopefully, to just shoot me. i hate this place so much. if hatred could be harnessed for energy, i could power the universe until the end of time. you know, the term BS is an acronym for bullshit which is defined as "something unnecessary, deceptive or insincere" but why did people pick bull as the specific type of shit? Couldn't it have just been any arbitrary type of shit? Like moose shit for example, then we could call something MS instead of BS. Coincidentally MS is also the 2 letter designation of military science classes at west point, funny..... ah yes MS class. I love it. I love the fact that in 2 years I may be a 2LT leading troops in Iraq, Afghanistan, (insert random country),..... and the United States Military Academy hasn't taught me a damn thing about actually leading troops in combat, but man can I write one hell of a reflective essay. and that's good because I'm sure that's all that it takes to be an effective officer, just being able to bullshit for the minimum length about your experiences during whatever... I hate West Point West Point hates you Real American Heroes Here's to you, Mr. Dumbass Lieutenant Colonel Man. You control reality with the very power of your mind. When someone tells you it can't be done, you thumb your nose at reality and say "do it anyway." When someone's task is deemed impossible, you kick the truth in the junk and tell them to "have it done yesterday." You are the Neo to the Army's Matrix...the Harry Houdini to the Army's straitjacket & chains...the Rocky Balboa to the Apollo Creed of common sense. So have an ice cold Bud Light, Dumbass Lieutenant Colonel Man. Because without you, we'd all be laboring under realistic deadlines at a normal college.

Real Men of Genius Today we salute you, Mr. Last Minute Lifter. You don't waste time working out all semester. No sir, you hit it when it counts: three weeks before Christmas. Those high school girls won't be won over by your brutal haircut and military knowledge alone..you want some jingle swell to match those jingle bells. Maybe the other lifters call you "what's-his-name" and "that guy," but you're still gonna work every body part at once. The weight room may be full, but there's always room to curl those 20 pound dumbbells. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Last Minute Lifter, because you've got 3 weeks to look like a god. John: Stop saying 'us' when you refer to Army football. Travis: Come on John, you know that the Army team's the pride and dream of every heart in gray. I wish I could think of something funny to say about Mil Art, but I can't. Just like everything else here, West Point has taken something that could be fun and enjoyable and make me hate it in the bottom of my blackened heart. There's nothing like hating something more than drill, IOCT, Sid Fienstein lectures, and mandatory fun combined. "I would rather reshingle all of downtown Minneapolis, naked, in January, than study anymore." Public Finance Policy Analysis Paper, how do I hate thee? I hate thee worse than Notre Dame I hate thee worse than an Army game I hate thee more than gray trousers I hate thee more than Rabble Rousers I hate you more than I can bear it I hate you more than WAR (declare it) at least I get to wear wool pants haircut inspection, as cool as that kid in elementary school who tucked his shirt into his underwear BRIGAYDE STAFF I'm not fucking stupid. I don't know why people insist on treating me like I am. I'm not a fucking 6 year old, Nor am I retarded. So why must people talk to me like that? Its quite possible that if you talk to me like a normal person that I'll be much more likely to understand because I won't be thinking about how much I fucking hate you for being so fucking degrading. I’m a hell of alot smarter than my fucking classmates and math teacher seem to think. I fucking hate that every time I step into that fucking classroom, no matter what I did the night before, no matter how well I know the material, Like Magic I’m suddenly the stupidest person in there. Something with that picture is terribly wrong.

In an effort to be a more "standards-focused" leader, I will be purchasing new uniforms from the Josh Jeffrey line of leadership fashion. Each shirt is painstakingly made 1.5 sizes too small, to give you that rigid, muscle-bound appearance that leaders so greatly crave. Pants feature a unique ass-accentuating seat dimension, so subordinates are sure to see that you don't neglect your ass muscles when you rock the weights at Arvin. Josh and his designers are now putting the final touches on a design for spit-shine boots that go all the way to the knee. Finally, the leadership look at a price you can afford. Available at finer C-Stores everywhere What a great day. I studied all night for a physics quiz. I probably did not pass it or if I did just barely. Then it is now freezing and the uniform is only greay jacket (wich for those of yall who dont go here is a jacket that provides almost no warmth). The sky is grey the buildings are grey everything is just really ugly including the people (expecially the girls). On top of all that I had a shitty practice and am extremly frusterated about that. But the the worst thing is there was no hot water in the shower and thats what really chaps my ass. GREAT DAY!! P.S. forgot about the stupid Military Science brefing I have to go to tonight. It sometimes scares me that this place is one of the most highly regarded educations in America. Why am I scared? Because the majority of my class preparation involves devising elaborate smokescreens and verbal sham-jobs intended to blind my teachers to the fact that I have not only failed to read the lesson, but that I have also failed to read every preceding lesson, and that I have no recollection of anything we have discussed more than 5 minutes beforehand. So I have spent 4 years learning absolutely nothing. What's the periodic table? Where was Gettysburg? What's an interest rate? These are things I should know. Instead, all I know is how to fool my teachers into asking some dumber guy. I think every Cadet goes to heaven, since we could all burn an orphanage and still bullshit St. Peter into letting us through the pearly gates. you know why this place really blows ass.... its because of retarded officers that give you the answer of "because I said so" with other bullshit reasons that follow. It amazing how we're going to be in charge of a few dozen soldiers in less than a year and they harp on that every day but continue to treat us like little kids. They claim we make "poor decisions" and risk taking is a bad leadership attribute. "The Army is designed to feed off your dreams, and systematically crush them." West Point....I don't even know what to say anymore. This place has become such a pokein-the-eye-with-a-sharp-stick that I don't think I am capable of adequately describing it. I guess you should just imagine taking a normal college, removing all the cool shit, and replacing it with the worst the Army and satan have to offer. Yeah, that should do it. Today's Reasons Why West Point Defines Me as a Piece of Shit: 1. I'm overweight, and we have surprise weigh-ins tomorrow.

2. Lieutenant Colonels like to send me emails telling me that my work is shitty and makes other "good cadets" look bad. 3. I didn't clean my room. Oh the horror. 4. Reasons 1 through 3 don't bother me all that much. "i'd understand if your mom died or something, then i'd only make you have your drawers in BAG" - josh cambra to my roommate after he explained his reason for not having stuff in BAG this morning, …what? seriously.... you mean he'd still make him do something even if his mom died? I swear to god this guy is not human, he is a fucking oxygen waste and deserves to die Todd Berry's winning percentage is lower than a pitcher's batting average. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry? Open ass, insert West Point. I think that I really truly do suck at everything. Fortunately, I found a school that rewards such ineffectiveness at life with rank and privilege. Just look around... west point, where the weekend is only 1 day long Today I learned something very interesting in military history... During the American Revolution West Point's fortifications looked very impressive and discouraged potential attackers. It turns out that it was all for show and probably wouldn't have worked too well if tested... Not much has changed since 1778. The SOP won't let me be Every body rise up and follow me West Point -- The only place where 21 year-olds get in trouble for going out in the rain without their raincoat. West Point: "Where the unknowing teach the unwilling the unnecessary" So tonight I experienced 'social tact' firsthand. I went to an Association Of Graduates dinner, and met this woman. She said to me "My son is a cadet in your class." So, I looked at her nametag and saw who her son is. I replied "Oh, I know him. We've talked before." When what I really wanted to say was... "Ma'am, from the moment your son oozed out of the womb, he has made the world worse for all of us. He's a pimple on the ass of society. Frankly, I would just as soon shoot him in the face as I would look at him. I honestly cannot believe that out of 700 million sperm, the one that created your worthless nutsack of a son was the fastest swimmer. God has a sense of humor ma'am, and your son is the punchline. May he be struck down by a snowplow." …Yay for West Point parents. Oh, wait, I mean they suck.

I just looked at some pictures from when I started this school and from just recently.... It looks like I've aged between 7 to 9 years in only 1167 days. At this rate I'll be a grizzled old man by the time I finally graduate from this life-sucking vortex of tyranny and social torture. West Point.... seemed like a good idea at the time West Point ranked #10 for Most Unhappy Students in this years Princeton Review. First of all that's bullshit, and secondly, during a Dean's Brief, BG Kaufman said "The Comm is working on that. We'll soon be #1." The Corps...where the men are strong, the women are beautiful, and the Tac is kind and benevolent. I have 24 hours. Revel with me in the greatness of my finest paper ever. By finest, I mean really really good, and by really really good, I mean hasty and unrefined. Ah, sosh... One day it would be nice to have the money to buy that huge house across the river, but if not that I could settle for just having a great wife, if not that having a nice boat, well truthfully all that matters is that I just get out of this horrible place asap. Also SAMI is not cool. I am to West Point as oil is to water I am a bad cadet because I employ common sense even if it contradicts regulation, I believe in basic human dignity and freedom, I am governed by the ideas of right and wrong when they contradict rules and standards, I think for myself, I make decisions based on morality not an SOP. I am a bad cadet and I can look myself in the mirror and be proud. The cadet casual uniform…There’s something just inherently wrong with this. I fucking hate everything about this place. This place is a crock of shit. It doesn't develop leaders, it develops pussies. This place shields you from life and protects you with unrealistic rules and eventually you become comfortable and secure and do things that just don't work in the real world. You develop a false sense of security and become a giant fucking cunt. I loathe every person here including myself. I hate what I have become. the fact that mahan hall has 7 floors of basements is eerily reminiscent of Dante’s inferno, anyway I'm off to the fifth circle of hell for engineering mechanics and design Today's Honor Violation: Writing and turning in a three page paper about what a good officer my tac is.

I don’t think I remember the last time I was in this bad of a mood, but it was probably the last time I had to come back to this hell hole. It's 6:38AM, and my paper is still looking like the academic equivalent of shitting in my hand and flinging it at my teacher. is it possible for today to be any more crappier?? yeah it could start raining herpes... So there I was, fast asleep, when at 5 am someone comes a poundin on the door to do a health and welfare inspection. If you don't know what a health and welfare inspection is then you can go to hell. Im so ready for suicide right now its not even funny - problem is I cant afford the knife Now say West Point gets snowed in and nothing can go in or out, it gets completely cut off from the outside world. What makes this different from every other day of the year it's not. Gotta love it. And then Steve fuckin stabbed him . . . The way the Thayer method really gets Cadets to study: A few days before the test you realize that you have no clue what is going on and decide to schedule some AI (additional instruction for all you non-pointers), then you don't study for the test, you study for the AI sesssion so you can go in there with some questions as to not sound like a complete dumbass. the best way to learn how to lead is to mimic great leaders, so far this is what I've learned at West Point: 1. Socks are the number 1 priority, must be crew socks, because ankle socks "cause too many problems" and obviously are detrimental to a unit's capability 2. Take away as much freedom as you can without inciting a mutiny. After all these are not real people who are affected by stress, they don't need any spare time. 3. Constitutional rights don't apply here, just forget about them. 4. Deny human psychology on a variety of topics from alcohol to pornography. 5. Whatever rules you make up, make sure that you treat them as the word of God. Let them trump all common sense, this way you won't ever actually have to make a decision, just consult the sop. I used to be cool. I used to do all sorts of great and wonderful things. I used to sleep. Then I had to come to West Point.... and look at me now, a shadow of my former self damn this place Moral and ethical development my ass..... I think that social tact is most of the reason parents like this place so much.

Come to West Point. Serve your nation by struggling to stay awake in a boring ass class. Do battle with your enemies, like alcoholism, insomnia, eating disorders and TAC officers. I love my life. I know why West Point is a great place to build leaders for the Army: After 4 years here, all you want to do is get out into the world so that you can kill people and break things I need West Point like I need a brain tumor, actually a brain tumor might be nice, get me medically discharged..... I would like to think that the American taxpayer's dollar could be put to better use than paying a 35-year-old Special Forces officer to bust my balls for playing a video game after taps. Apparently I am wrong for thinking that. this place has truly reached to top rung of the gayness ladder....it is the shining star on the gayness tree… the north star in the sky of gayness…pegged the ridiculo-meter to ultimate-gayitude… the Guinness of beer gayness I do a lot of dumb stuff, but most of the time I can just make up an excuse about being drunk at the time or something, but when people ask me why I came to West Point they usually don't buy the excuse that I was drunk for my entire senior year of high school giving up is a surprisingly good feeling health and welfare inspection at 4:30 this morning, but it's not the clear violation of the 4th amendment that concerns me, it's the losing 2 hours of sleep that concerns me, fuck this Our army is the only army in the world that starches and presses its utility uniforms and shines its combat boots. Every else just neatly maintains them, but we have to look like a bunch of g-money bling-bling camouflaged pimps with our shiny boots and crisp clothes. Fucking sweet. Another night of ironing. this place is slowly killing me..... and the sooner the better I'm drowning in assholes living dangerously- the AMI nap Most people think of Hell as being hot and fiery; dark chambers filled with molten lava and flames rising everywhere. They are wrong. Hell is very very cold and depressing, and its walls are gray. I sold out, I got a haircut, I'm so ashamed, I look like just another cadet, white kid with short hair, undistinguishable from the masses

West Point is the devil I am a bad cadet... Which is good because that means that I am probably a good person. I sort of wish I was a worse cadet. Essential things to do in the weight room if your a cadet: 1. Role your sleeves up and show those big pipes off to the other twenty guys lifting with you 2. Gel your hair before you lift 3. Tape your wrists 4. Take out the decent music, put techno in and dance to it 5. Make sure you can see your self in the mirror at all times 6. Work all muscles groups with the three essential cadet lifts: preacher curls, dumb bell curls, and machine curls 7. Never, but never, lift legs 8. God gave you two muscle groups: abs and biceps. 9. Try to fill your self out so that A & F rugby jersey looks as tight as possible at the Cow Club on Thursday nights 10 things about West Point and the crap i put up with. 1. I am a plebe not a freshman 2. I live in barracks not dorms 3. If i fall asleep in class...I could die 4. If i dont go to class, I will die 5. I'm afraid of my teachers. 6. I do h.w. (in theory) before the lesson is taught 7. I wake up an hour and half before my first class which starts at 7:35 8. I do pushups to help me stay awake. 9. I get in trouble for looking at porn websites...yeah thats right. 10. Oh and I haven’t been with a women in over 2 months... There are only ten times in history when the f-bomb has been acceptable for use: 10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Look at all them @#$%ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoreas, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 4. "What the @#$% is that volcano doing?" - Citizen of Pompei, 79 AD 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers... My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon... Who the @#$%'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1999 1. "This place @#$%ing sucks!" - Me, today west point has the highest percentage of binge drinkers among any other college or university in the nation…no big surprise there

Holy Mother of God.....I hate West Point. all I have to say is that 20 years down the line I better be one happy and rich person or I'm going to be very pissed at having wasted away the prime of my youth in such a manner "I didn't kill 18 Viet Cong with my bare hands to watch this shit." -Old Grad leaving the 103rd Army-Navy Game If hate were people, I'd be China Roses are red, Violets are blue... I hate this place, and I'm fucking leaving today. (i made it myself) My thoughts on being a Cadet... "If you don't like your job, you don't quit...you just do it really half-assed." -- Homer Simpson I bet the guys that wrote this have been to West Point before.... "Maybe it's just something I can't admit but lately, I feel like I don't give a shit. Motivation's such an aggravation, Inspiration getting hard to fake it. It's all just a waste of time in the end. I don't care so why should I even pretend? Nothing's new, everything's the same. It keeps on dragging me down, it's getting kind of lame."--- Sum 41 It just doesn't end. West Point has reached a new level of doing really stupid shit. Physics + Prob and Stats = Slamming your dick in your laundry hamper ten thousand times, then having sex with a cheese grater. Sad Part is- it can always get worse dealing with plebes is a lot like what I imagine having retarded children would be like How to study for a test at West Point: 1. Realize that you don't know jack shit 2. Load up your calculator with every equation in the book 3. Go to sleep I have it narrowed down to this......West Point takes tons of "smart" people from all over the country and fucks with their heads so they spend 4 years doing incredibly dumb shit...some of these people become "exceptional" cadets, meaning they get to be in charge of a bunch of people and make them all do "exceptionally" dumb shit. what the hell else would i be doing for 83 cents an hour? CDT X,

I reported you as being late to class today. I know that you placed your books on your desk, but that does not meet the standard of being prepared for class at 0735. You weren't in the room when the section marcher presented the class. What really upsets me is your attitude. When you went to ground your gear in the hallway, you had eight seconds left. The only thing remarkable about your attempt to make it back into the classroom was your total lack of effort. I know that you are bright, but you need to ratchet up your discipline. This is the second encounter we've had like this. Please start acting like a soldier. I am sending a copy of this to your TAC so that he can assist in your development. If you have any questions, see me. CPT Y Department of Physics On the Q. Could it get any worse? Last class of the day and it is before 12. Don't you think it would be weird if your first class was after 12? you know your "college" is the coolest when you get to go to class 6 days a week.... I hate this fuck!ng place... West Point is like a highschool girlfriend...you try so hard to get in, but 9 months later you are sorry you ever came Oh no...it appears to be happening...The freshman 80 is starting to take hold... Shield your eyes....they are doubling in size! Its gets worse and worse with every second of every day. You'd think after a time it would peak in shittyness.... but no....it just keeps going. Don't hate me because I gave you a bad CPR. Those bastards are mandatory. Someday I will escape from my college and have a life, but for right now I'm kind of stuck. I've seen monkey shit-fights at the zoo that were more organized than this. Why I Hate Cadets Reason #14: I come back from class to find a note from my rockin' CO that he needs some packet copied 5 times before lunch. Excuse me, Mr. Emerging Leader, do I have secretary written on my door? This guy is about as cool as a sack of assholes. OK....tell me when this makes sense...The Dean says that I am expected to spend 2 hours studying for every hour in class. Over the 5 days in the school week there are 120 hours. I spend 23 hours a week in class...so that means I need to study for 46 hours. We have mandatory meals that I figure take up 2 hours a day min. so that is another 10 hours eating. I figure I spend 5 hours a week walking to and from and in between classes. I

spend 20 at practice every week...and an hour a day (not long enough) working out. All in all...if I spend no time talking or going to the bathroom, or doing anything other than the actions above....I have a grand total of 1 hour and 10 minutes I can sleep every night. But then again...this is reasonable...cause the dean says ..."You should probably spend more than 2 hours"...Ummmm.....no West Point, destroying hope and the will to live for over 200 years. The election results are in for the class offices.... the Comm is reviewing them to ensure that the winners are racially diverse, and not gender biased ......... does this sound odd to anyone else? I wonder what would happen if ol' Leo said "This year we are giving you more privileges and making fewer rules." but I suppose I'll never know... Someday I’d like to be able to be proud of being a soldier. I can’t be proud of being a soldier now even though they tell me that I should be. I feel like some sappy pseudo soldier. I have no army experience. I have some cadet experience that is somewhat militaristic, but I can’t even respect myself. It’s all just bull shit. I could respect myself if I was a soldier that did something meaningful or contributed to something. All I do is go to class, go to practice, sit in my room, get metaphorically fucked in the ass, then become even more bitter and cynical. Today the RTO talked to our regiment about how he went to Norwich. How it’s a lesser academy in almost all regards. We have better facilities, brighter students, more money, tradition, etc. But he said that Norwich has heart… something that this place lacks. At Norwich, they optionally march to all their football games and they are proud of being there and they support their team, etc. I think I really have to talk to this man. He has great intentions but I don’t think he realizes how down-trodden we are. We get fucked with every day through some new amendment to the SOP, or we lose freedom, or are forced to submit to idiocy, or surrender to “higher”, and there’s only so much a person can gracefully tolerate. We are becoming institutionalized. If we are America’s best and brightest it may be a good idea to treat us like mature individuals. Some of us are absolute fucking idiots that make incredibly stupid decisions. Ya know why?… They have forgotten how to make decisions. Hell, I don’t get to decide how to dress myself, or when I feel hungry, or how to display my underwear in the third drawer. They have crippled our minds. They have done me an injustice. I came here to be enlightened yet all they have done is close my mind to alternatives. We are the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. You may see it as unmotivated and unspirited but it is not without reason. We need some escape. They seem to think that we are soulless monks. They took away all pornography and questionable sites that may have less than virtuous subject matter. That includes sites with jokes that may or may not be crude, or entertainment that a nun might not be completely comfortable watching. I have never been a fan of pornography at all but the fact that it is forbidden makes me wonder if they even consider us to be human beings. How do they suppose that we are the only few thousand college age individuals without hormones, individual thought, joy, sadness, frustration, or troubles? When did we join a factory? I am quite sure that I didn’t chose to become a heartless machine incapable of

reason. Has anyone else ever thought of this? Does anyone see a problem? Am I crazy or am I right? I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m both. South Hudson Institute of Technology Ah yes, spring break, the time of year when 4,000 cadets leave this gray prison and converge on tropical beaches everywhere with the highest of expectations only to find that they are socially inept and unbelievably un-tanned with little to no prospects of hooking up with any but the most desperate or most intoxicated girls What the hell is wrong with the people at this school. These are supposed to be America's brightest... yet more than half can't figure out how to flush the toilet, or lift the damn seat if they are gonna piss in it. It didn't take me till I was 22 to learn not to piss all over the seat, or to learn to flush the toilet. And another point...What ever happened to not lying cheating or stealing?..."An environment of trust"... yeah...my ass. Someone stole my soap and soap dish out of the bathroom the other day....people use my towel, and I'm still having to hide my reflector belt so I don't have to go buy another one for 20 bucks. The people here are not about being honest good people, they are about being just honest enough to keep out of trouble. our plebes fucked up minutes this morning...called 5 minutes late. Damn near the whole company missed formation, including myself. But have no fear, we will all individually be fucked up the ass with hours. I hate this fuckin place..... Ok...I think that might just have been.....it really possible could have been the gayest thing that has happened yet at this school. It has a lot to compete with, but I still think it might be. We had a fire drill at 615 this morning...not only was it announced, but the plebes called minutes for it...we all went out and stood there...had a formation....then came back 13 minutes later. If only one could realize how pointless that really was. Jan. 24, 2002...a day that will live in infamy...I was dubbed a leadership failure. The 1/2 pint milks that I placed on my window sill to keep cold were an unacceptable display of insubordination. I am a failure. I have jeopardized my future, and undermined my education. My conscious wrong decision gives a clear look at my character. It is a true lack of integrity and self control. I hope that I will learn from this experience and salvage what is left of my future. OK...here is my deal...First in this shithole they tell us “no having sex”. Better than that, they prevent us from having sex by not allowing a guy and girl in the same room at the same time with the door closed. Even if there is a third party in the room, and the door is closed, you cannot make physical contact or sit on the same horizontal surface. To top it all off this last week they blocked all sites relating to sex. Yes folks...no porn. I'm not sure if everyone recognizes how detrimental this is to 4000 guys who are not allowed to touch girls. What the hell is wrong with these people??? They must seriously assume that we are the only 4000 twenty year old guys without any hormones and therefore sexual activity is not necessary. I hate this place...not a damn bit of common sense.

Yo what the fuck is wrong with this school...I just took an econ test...I knew everything on it....everything...it was like 10 pages long and we had an hour...I couldn't even finish...I wrote as fast as I could...I'm not even sure you can read most of it, but I wrote as fast as I could and typed numbers as fast as I could...and barely even got to the last page...I didn't even come close to finishing it. Let me ask a question...what the hell does that teach? It teaches you how to take test fast. Thats about it...I lot of this stuff was deep concept stuff...stuff one should think about....but there was no time to think. So I am going to get a bad grade in economics because I can't write fast...I hate this place... 3:30 piss test....yipee for school!! If at some point over Thanksgiving break you ask me "How is West Point going?" I will be upset, which goes without saying, but I will answer you with "I hate that place, and please don't make me think about it." If I say something any more cheerful than that you can rest assured that I am lying. Only 554 more days of abject torture and burning anguish left at this "fine institution". The more rules you follow here, the less friends you have. Why am I Bitter? Why am I bitter, This you may wonder. “It's America's best, That you're working under.” Fuck that I say, Come sit in my place. Let people rub shit, All into your face. As a Yuk it's my job, to think this place shitty. To see some of these people, In our army is a pity. Who makes the rules, That these homos enforce? That's a dumb question, “It came from higher" of course. I watch person after person, kiss everyone’s ass. And God forbid just once, I sleep though a class.

Then I'd not only be fucked, By old Willy the dean. But the Tac would join in, In a brutal double team. I clean rooms on Fridays, Saturdays are full. Usually wasting my time, with some useless ass bull. I'm sorry I'm whining, but this place really blows. We need some T & A, To keep us on our toes. We want beer bongs and keggers, And cool shit like that. Sorority Girls, And hell throw in a Frat. We want washers and dryers, That don’t always break, We want optional meals, And food we can make. We don’t wanna get up, At 6 every morn. And what they hell are they thinking, Unblock our porn!!! Saturday classes? Yeah those can go. Get rid of IRIs, Cause those fuckin blow. Stop searching my room, For things I might hide. And don’t watch me when I pee, Let a man keep his pride. I guess what I’m saying, Is throw me a bone. Let us have fun, And leave us alone. I’m tired of this place,

And I’m tired of “higher”. This place breeds good cheaters, And excellent liars. People will fuck you, Without thinking twice. As long as they look better, It’s worth any price. It’s a good thing for friends, The real ones ya know? That would do anything, Come rain sleet or snow. So why am I bitter? I think now it is clear… More mandatory gayness, This place is so queer. you know those signs when you're entering the Cadet area that say: academy personnel only beyond this point?? I think they need to change those to Caution- You are now entering the 7th circle of hell As a firstie I find I'm quite a bit bolder I'm a little less quiet And a little bit older. School still sucks And I really must say I ask why I came here Almost every single day But don't get me wrong And think I'm not bitter Four years of this crap My college life down the shitter. There is still a lot of suck Like mandatory fun That makes you wanna shoot yourself In your nozzle with a gun. They still have gay rules That'll always be the same

Here you are a number Not a face or even name. They'll always wake you up To search your stuff or watch you piss But if you're happy here Hey..ingorance is bliss. Damn Newton, all his laws, and the horse he rode in on today's gayness level measured on a scale from 1 to 10: a high 9. hell, make it a 10 this place blows Taken from the MA205 course guide "we have designed this course so that the average student can succeed with 2 hours of daily preparation- if you habitually prepare less than 2 hours daily, your understanding and performance will measurably suffer" Seriously, what is wrong with these people? I think they think we only take one class at a time. Who in the hell has 2 hours for every single lesson?? Reason West Point is the coolest "college" in the world #18472710 Today my PSG ordered me to write up my plebe for not completing a plebe survey. I asked him why he didn't do it himself, "because I want this to be on you." Yeah that's cool, I love 1) being forced to write up my plebe even though I don't want to 2) for something' that's as complete bullshit as not filling out a plebe survey, seriously, what the fuck?? cooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn chowder! just kidding, like I would eat that slop again...... Econ sucks....while we're at it....lets throw physics into the pile as well It's Friday, you ain't got no job, you ain't got sh...oh wait, I do having something to do. Study for a test tomorrow …saturday morning. Up Yours West Point >:o I’m out like a female cadet in a beauty contest wow this place really blows ass Twas the night before TEE week, and all through barracks, not a cadet was studying, this was usually the norm. Kegs in the orderly room , jello shots in canteens -- thanks to the liquor, it was a late night for all. Passed out all around, the cadets all slept tight under their green grills. When they woke up at reveille, they thought, 'Man, whatta night!'

'We're too hung-over to march to breakfast' they shouted with a HOOAH. So to hell with TEEs, just bring on the beer!!'" Damn I wish I had these problems... FCFuckin’DT and its that time of the night once again when everyone starts putting up their away messages about where they're partying and I continue to study physics... "The Dean is shitting down the chimney of my Merry Christmas." This place couldn't suck much more... I wonder how Superman found out that he was bullet proof... was he going to West Point and failed miserably to shoot himself in the head? You know what's stupid?....... AMI means that you can't have trash in your trash can. What else is it for then? Is someone going to inspect and actually believe that I am so industrious that I don't throw things out? I think that is an attempt to deceive. Personally I think a good place for trash is the trash can... Evidently, it's better off waiting outside my window or in my drawer until lunch. "I think if I was gay it would be cool to go to West Point.. Just cuz all the fags here” ~TQ Most cadets are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. Thanks to the technology inside, you can take Guinness Draft outside... as long as by outside you don't mean to a military academy I hope a train hits me on the way to the mess hall... maybe I'm asking too much Slug: n a cadet of the loser variety who shows up at duties the week of freshman promotion, typically found using such words as "hooah" and "airborne", these people should be severely made fun of and shunned with extreme prejudice My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was. You're lucky to get out alive. If West Point were a person... I'd kick him in the nuts and say you suck. I used to think that a good away message was "if west point were a person I would kick them in the balls and say 'you suck!'", but now I realize how wrong I was, no if west point were a person I would savagely beat them to death and then find all those hypocritical old grads who love this place so much and kick them in the balls and say 'you suck'

"If I had a gun I would shoot you all... " ~the words of my basic training drill instructor after making us do "mountain climbers", "flutter-kicks", and "8 count push-ups" for two hours wearing our winter jackets and pile caps in 100 % humidity, 98 degree, South Carolina weather... strangely I wish I was there instead of here... or maybe I just wish someone would offer to shoot me.... I'm not totally worthless...I make an excellent bad example Evidently, MP3's are now illegal at this fine institution. Music was the only thing keeping me going. Time to resort to drugs I guess. I think this is the only school where the students actually wish it would be blown up by terrorists West Point is the devil.....And I'm its bitch That's right... this place has once again reached an all time record low.... I just received hours on the area for having shoes in my room. God, how will I ever regain my integrity. I am a failure as a leader. partying it up West Point style: BYOB- bring your own books Fuck this place West Point....$250,000 education shoved up your ass a nickle at a time. Got to love that Thayer system. My new philosophy in life at West Point. Just don't give a damn. I'm not shining shoes for the rest of the semester. I'm not cleaning the room. I'm blowing post whenever I feel like it. Hopefully I'll get caught and get a few hundred hours, but you know what, I don't care because I'm still giving this place a big Fuck You West Point, Fuck You I need a fucking vacation TEE week is sort of like running a marathon and then when you get close to the finish line some little bastard runs up and blindsides you with a 2x4 TEEs are sort of like a one night stand....you don't remember much, but you know you got fucked. you'd think that the shittiness of this place would eventually reach an apex and at least stay constant if not taper off, but no.... the suckiness of this place is infinite, it has no limits

Fuck everyone!! it's official, hell has frozen over, it's snowing You know why this place sucks? Because it's like being grounded for 4 years...only worse. Things I hate: 1) Math (especially multi-variable calculus). 2) This place. 3) Most of the people at this place. 4) Plebes (technically not people). 5) People in charge of this place. 6) Any other people. 7) Everything else. OK folks...I think this tops it off today....I sent up a request for friendship memo today...yes I had to ask special permission to be friends with someone...wow...amazing... Ya know...I'd like to think that a 34 year old Captain has something better to do than inspect how I've folded my underwear and aligned my shoes. Evidently I'm wrong for thinking that.... back in my prison which I share with about 4000 other poor souls. This place has deprived me of each and every inalienable right: Life - This place has rendered me a social reject..... I have no life Liberty - They tell me when to eat, sleep, study, speak, shut up, how to align my shoes under my bed.....etc. Property - I am not allowed to have things that many people take for granted such as a TV, civillian clothes, posters.....etc. Pursuit of happiness - We are forbidden from having a job and making money while cadets, may not be married while a cadet, may not leave unless properly authorized.... etc. This place is about as cool as a bag of dicks. Seriously, it blows beyond belief. And now without music, I must resort to drinking.......more. West Point, when I fucking die of liver failure, it will be your fault. USMA will waste thousands of tax payer dollars by killing me. So, West Point, fuck you and fuck that Nazi general commandant of yours. In the absence of my TAC, my TACNOC approved (a month ago) my special pass request to go to my Uncle's wedding. Now my TAC has required me to revise the form, resubmit and has told me to meet with him today. He said "I haven't denied it yet." Great dude. It took him only about 54 seconds to say in a few more words that it is unlikely that I will

be attending the wedding service, but instead will be cleaning my room for inspection bright and early on Saturday morning. If you're ever feeling down just remember one thing........ Your day was probably better than mine. Taking a quick shower, then some gel on the hair, a dab of cologne.... ready for a whole night of pimpin'! Go Army Trou Hunters! "Eat a Dick!" -Yearling response to anything, anytime, anywhere. "Get it together guys, I have a dog to kick and a wife to beat and I don't plan on being here all night." TACNCO "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge....and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off...while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell."-Kevin Spacey "American Beauty" "The beatings will continue until morale improves" Does anyone else notice that "disciplinary action" is the only leadership style in use at this school. "I go to a school where guns in your room are mandatory, and beating up your classmates is a graded event." Plebe math class at West Point is like sitting at a funeral. And you don't know who died or why they died or what the hell the guy up at the front is saying, because he's speaking a different language. I guess the honor code is nothing but an arbitrary means to hold us to a standard, when it is acceptable it is enforced. However, when people determine it necessary to dissolve the values we hold near and dear, it is acceptable to watch the honor system walk away. I guess this code is nothing but another buzz phrase at a school of buzz. Reasons I Love West Point #54 I can walk around in public wearing a matching sweatsuit and fear no social repercussions. I think the saying goes, "I have a thorn in my side." Well, I also have a thorn in my side...except it's more like a sharpened telephone pole that is affecting my entire upper torso. It's called a PL393 paper. See ya tomorrow when I get the joy of yet another 10 pager. Best quote I have heard this week, "Look, if I have to be hurtin' by grading your papers, then I am gonna make you hurt too. Clear and stagger!"

- my Mil Art Teacher. Great dude. At this point, I am hoping to be attacked by the Plague. That is not an exaggeration. I hate this place. Straight from the honor committee sheet... "In order to minimize the chances that someone will lie, a leader should choose their questions wisely. Instead of asking, "are you drinking" or "do I smell alcohol on your breath," ask "I know you have been drinking...come by my room for formal counseling tomorrow." Is that a question? Apparently, leaders need to get their heads out of their asses and form grammatically correct sentences as well. So today in Beverly Hills, my Mom sees Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Benecio Del Toro on the street. So today at West Point, I got to see George Rash. I definitely got the better of my Mom today. Did I ever mention how I hate my life? I wonder if my friends at UT and Texas A&M had to get up and piss in a cup this morning. I think I'll call them and ask 'em. Cool Dude Alert Here's the story as told by my roommate... My roommate comes back from Spring Break today and is walking in from Grant turnaround. He sees a cow who has just brought back his car from Spring Break. That's cool, he has his car up here now. What is not cool however is the decal he has placed upon the side of his ride. Yes, just below the driver side window of this queer's Jeep Wrangler, he has placed stickers that say, "CDT CSM Nick Seidel." Looks like I can't drive around here anymore. I am obviously outranked and clearly not as pimp as CDT CSM Nick Seidel. If someone knows this kid, please beat him. And tape it. Things my TAC does: 1. Blows. That's about it. if the standard isn't good enough then why is the standard? the sop says I can have my hair 3 inches, but apparently 1 1/2 inches is too long, army regs say your boots only have to be blackened, but oh no, they need to be mirror finished spit shined, I swear if this is the logic these people use then our Army is in serious trouble my friends west point and I are like an estranged couple no longer on speaking terms Yes, I only have 1 class on two days, but this class could quite possibly pass as torture in most states. west point's cool if you're on drugs

Every time you buy West Point merchandise, God strangles a panda. 1) Cadet pisses on the Honor Statue 2) Cadet lies about it 3) Cadet is brought up on honor charges 4) Cadet is not found in violation 5) Irony kills 12 cadets I'm sitting here pretending to do homework, it's bad, really, just bad Saturday AM Inspection ... Seriously, who does this to another human being? This place has reached the top rung of the gayness ladder...Read the following..."Effective immediately all doors in each company area will remain open from 2300 until the CDO's and CCQ's close out the company. As directed, 1st Class Cadets engaged in these inappropriate activities will not graduate with their class on time. Underclassmen caught engaging in these activities will immediately lose all privileges and face at a minimum a BDE board (120 hours)." Wow....what a school I have...if you yell out yer window...you won't graduate, and if you run naked across our open area...you are a turnback....fuckin homos... sleeping, dreaming about beating the dean, that sick sick sick man so I bet you're sitting around asking yourself what are you going to do on this saturday, well I asked myself the same thing. I thought I would go to class at 6:40 in the morning and have a normal day of school, because I didn't think my life sucked enough, you see where i'm going with this... Optimizing the taxpayers dollars by having class on saturday........ Here I am again on a friday night...going to bed at 1130....I hate this place....its almost worth leaving... Week sucks. Want to die. Fun level thus far this week, 0 and dropping fast. Well, I definitely got "approached for clarification" last night at about midnight while I was in bed. Don't really know what’s going on but I do know that this place is really fucking gay. Suck ass day. Will be working from now until late tonight. Groundhog day going on year 4 now. Will it never end? Polishin my boots and shoes because thats what I heard all cool college kids do

this place sucks Out like every other 21 year old on Friday night. Oh wait, I'm stuck here cleaning my room. You all suck. So after I finished golfing today I walked to my car in the parking lot and on the way I passed these four license plates: CBTENGR, LDRSHIP, ARMEOF1, and the ever famous USMA 02. Its official....this place is gay. "You know that the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear." "I realized that every day is worse than the one before it. So each day you see me is on the worst day of my life." -- Office Space. Do you notice any similarities between the movie and West Point? I won't give you the normal bitching session about how much this place sucks ass, and how it is almost exactly like prison, only with better beds...or how i hate getting up at the ass crack of dawn to take a physics test, or how I hate the fact that two people interested in each other arent even allowed to talk to each other because it is unprofessional, or how you get punished for having a light on in your room past midnight, or how you have to be in bed by 1130, or how you cant have a car until you are a senior, or how I am not allowed to go see a movie unless 4 people say I can, or anything like that...because everyone does that, and its boring. Let me just say this one thing though - I wouldnt wish this place on an enemy of mine. Im studying for my physics test, which I have tomorrow SATURDAY MORNING...leave one Suck Factor for today - 7.5 going over METT-TC for FCDT during ESP which is against the SOP Cadet Date of the Day: Flirtation Walk Date Occasionally, a regulations-oriented pair of lovestruck cadets will strive to express their affection legally. This usually results in a tempting stroll down Flirtation Walk (or "flirty" in the parlance of Cadet romance). They stroll arm-in-arm and gaze longingly at the buttons of each others' white-over-gray, secretly wishing they could bask in the DPEsculpted treasures therein. They trade compliments on strac lines, and the male may offer to assist his companion in the adjustment of her NDSM, secretly hoping to cop a feel in the process. After a few jokes about Infantry Week, they succumb to temptation and share a kiss, casting professionalism into the muddy Hudson waters. The guy then walks back to his room sporting wood. just call me 0-fer im not becoming bitter im not becoming cynical im not hating this place right now i think i can i think i can im fighting it...

im fighting... im $gasp$ -losing……very very badly Most places take away weapons from people who get in trouble. My school can discriminate against people with disabilities and will kick you out if you are over weight. I used to think parades were cool and had lots of floats or something... here we just stand in the heat wearing a wool coat, and then walk in a circle Away at class...yeah, that’s right, CLASS. Think you're bitter because you still have that one final left? We haven't even started.... Just so there is no confusion I will lay it out real simple-like: Fuck West Point. Things this week has taught me: 1) (Time during the day not doing HW) * 2 = How much later you're up that night. 2) In theory, cramming for Econ should and would have worked. Then again, Econ works in theory. 3) Caffiene is an accepted solution to 3 out of 10 of studying-related problems. 4) Violence can usually solve the other 7. 5) Weekends are a tease. 6) Yes, unlike most of you, I DO still have another week of classes. 7) Memorization is the key to foreign languages, esp. Arabic. Memorization can probably also cure world hunger, but no one's figured that one out yet either. 8) Not edgedressing Sham-phrams is aparently one of the 7 deadly sins. 9) Rolling chairs can amply entertain a room of 3 burnt out guys for hours. West Point Anthropology One of the most hated inhabitants of West Point is the Greeter (latin: Faggotus Incredibili) You can identify this deranged creature by the constant stream of pointless pleasantries/greetings he emits whenever he is outside his den. These calls are warnings to other animals that the Greeter is a 'good dude' and is 'not bitter.' Greeters pride themselves on being 'highly approachable.' Common Greeter calls include: sup, sup man, howyadoin?, howzitgoin?, howdy, yo, etc. Greeters are highly social and are often well-groomed and have 'excellent leadership skills.' Open your mind like a parachute... Fuck that...that would mean the four seconds before your mind opened would consist of you praying like the 13th disciple while your life flashes before your eyes and you realize that you should have had more sex, drank more beer, and at least shot out a couple streetlights...and when it finally opened, it would jerk your body violently upward while two nylon straps concentrated your entire weight on your crotch...with you screaming "Airborne" like some retarded lemming

West Point Rule #3 I can't figure out why the hell certain fools always try to play the West Point card when spittin' game at a girl. I actually caught some champ doing this on the plane back from Germany. Hold off on the Infantry Week stories, sluggo...West Point is not attractive. Telling a girl you go to a school that gives you less freedom than your average high school freshman is game suicide. You might as well tell her you have herpes. It'd probably go over better. So the law stands: never admit to being a West Pointer unless confronted with undeniable evidence, such as a picture of yourself in one of our handsome and practical uniforms. anonymous dude- we're gonna do a little word association, say the first word that pops in your head when I say, General Brooks me- Nazi Top 10 Reasons Hell is Better Than W.P. 10. You can't get thrown out of hell 9. You have a better shot at getting into hell 8. No one expects you to be perfect in hell 7. You know why you have to suffer in hell 6. If you are in hell, God hates you; if you are at the Point...he has just forgotten about you 5. If you are in hell, you have wasted your life; if you are at the Point....you never had one 4. You wouldn't tell your friend to go to West Point 3. There are more women in hell 2. Hell is forever, West Point just seems like it 1. Everyone has heard of hell military intersession...fun like a punch to the dills fuckin saturday classes....what the hell is wrong with the world? what did I do to deserve to go to hell? ...damn u West Point (fist shaking) dinner formation...then suicide Question: If PFC Joe forgets his flack vest while your platoon is on patrol, what do you do? Answer: Make everyone in the platoon take theirs off in the name of uniformity I hate this place. I hate the hypocrites that run it. I hate daily life. I sometimes wonder if I would rather have never been accepted.

A male cadet may offer his arm to a lady when walking conditions warrant. Affectionate physical contact with guests or other cadets in public, such as holding hands, making out, riding the bull, grinding or walking or sitting with arm around waist or shoulder is not permitted.-SOP The best part about finally waking up is knowing that something totally fockn crazy could happen. This is West Point. The only school where someone walking into your room with a machine gun is normal...gotta love it Do not hate this place...rather the people who go here. Stone buildings never hurt anyone, but our slack-jawed faggot classmates and "cadet superiors" are responsible for this place you and I call home. Remember, 2% of you all are good dudes. I feel sorry for the offspring of the other 98%. Go buy some Kswiss shoes, gel that hair, and go clubbing. hey leo, turn up the good, turn down the suck , eh?? Anyone want to explain why the only thing I have 'internalized' or 'inculcated' lately is a strong desire to bash my head into a wall? all I have to say is that 20 years down the line, after trading away the best years of my youth in this place, I better be one happy and rich person, because if I'm not, I might just come back to this place climb on top of the Chapel tower with a rifle and start picking people off I love it when it rains, because then I know its shitty on the outside too. We trust ordinary people to tie their shoelaces. For everything else, there's.....the SOP. Actually, I'm pretty sure the exact shoe-tying regulations will be in the next edition. This isn't a college, it's hell with fluorescent lighting and colder weather. sometimes I love this place so much it makes me want to throw up Getting ready for SAMI, if that has no meaning for you I'm truly jealous. an acronym for chain of command is coc, when you pronounce it as a word it sounds like cock, I think it's pretty accurate "Um yeah, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday." Office Space/West Point I was determined to be "too cynical" to adequately represent the academy well at the Ethics Conference.

student: sir, what did you think of west point? MAJ : ummm... im not gonna lie, the day i graduated west point was the best day of my entire life. But dont repeat that in front of my wife since i did get married and have kids... Tell me that I didn't do a year of paperwork so that my personal worth could be based on my haircut, or lack thereof. Went to the city this weekend. Did you ever notice how you can spot a cadet on pass from 50 meters. I think its the obvious combination of zero social skills and bad haircut....... oh and don't forget the c-store black leather jacket. This place would be less oppressive if the Nazi's liberated us. From now on I'm just going to have my roommate kick me in the nuts when I wake up so I get it out of the way. There is a greater chance of the Canadian government outlawing mullets than there is of the talking heads at USMA canceling classes because of snowfall of Biblical proportions. More useless information is being forced inside my skull without my consent. Does this constitute intellectual rape? If my life was a song, no one would listen to it. The phrase "high school hero, West Point zero" was developed in anticipation of my arrival at the academy. Wow. If I was somehow forced to choose to either 1) swallow a bag of anthrax, 2) cut off my own left nut, or 3) spend four more years at USMA, I honestly don't know which I would choose. I don't think I could dislike the other kids in my branch any more if they were all liberal, homosexual Red Sox fans. Forget the castle. Our branch insignia should be a small brass picket sign with the words "Hate Me" emblazoned on the front. He'd forget his head if it wasn't attached by a stack-of-dimes neck. He aimlessly rolls through NYC in a luxury car that his elitist, wealthy, do-good parents bought him as a graduation present. He wears a leather jacket regardless of the weather and is usually seen in some combination of khaki, denim and running shoes. He regularly uses the words tool, whatnot, and essentially and throws in some piece of military jargon whenever the situation calls for it. He fails miserably with females but, because of his keen intellect, is able to return from every weekend trip with tales of sexual conquest that would make Wilt Chamberlain jealous. He takes himself too seriously and relishes the chance to prove his worth by rattling off statistics and opinions garnered from the last

article or editorial he read on the subject. He is worthless, and deep down, he knows it. He is Joey Cadet. We here at the management sometimes make mistakes. While the optimism and enthusiasm in the Army/Navy away message was well rooted, we realize that not enough was taken into consideration in the practical sense. This was reflected by the embarassment we suffered throughout the course of the game. While we still support Army and Army athletics as a whole, yesterday was a day for the history books. Thank you, Coach Berry, for a completely worthless season. At least we won the coin toss. Mandatory Dinner tonight, and I stress the word "Mandatory." However, the theme for tonight is "Pajama Night." As if we need any more torture than the fact that we already know we have to go. All we are really going to think about tonight is how much it sucks to have a pajama party here at West Point, for the love of God. I mean, tonight we're just gonna keep imagining what it would be like to have a pajama party at any other college in the U.S. ya know? Another note, no matter how gay this dinner may be, everyone will still participate, even myself. Why? well, I'll tell you why.. It's either show up in some kind of pajamas or wear that damn As-for-class uniform with freakin' wool pants. Who seriously enjoys voluntarily wearing WOOL?? I'm done now. Thank you West Point for making tonight such a memorable experience. You know where he went to school?-( Stocky referring to Louis Armstrong singing “What a wonderful world”) No, where? –(me) Not here. You know what artists from here are like…-(Stocky) No, what? –(me) Edgar Allan Poe… You never hear him saying “what a wonderful world”- (Stocky) Since I've been about as productive as a sloth in a coma lately I'm just giving up for a while and stealing some rack. Michael went to West Point land, Let my Michael go... Oppressed so bad he could not stand, Let my Michael go... Go down Moses, way down to Commandant's land, Tell old, Commandant, Let my Michael go. "It's all about getting fucked up under age, then hooking up with some ugly plebe trou" Theme foods are rarely very good. "Beat Navy Bean Soup"? What's next? "Beat Grambling Guacamole"? "Her ass is so big, it has smaller trou orbiting it" Prisoner #x46666

Cell Block 408 Currently Serving 8 yrs-Life West Point Correctional Facility 4 more weeks of school until I go to summer school. Syllvanus Thayer was an evil man. I hate physics labs. All you do is sit there while your partners do all the work. It's a waste of my time. We are all battered wives and West Point is the abusive husband...yet we keep coming back, saying "it's okay, he didn't mean it..." I hate all cadets, including cadets from other academies, and sometimes myself for being one. today West Point is beautiful... because of the snow.... because of the mountains.... because today I will be looking at it through the rear view mirror... It was just 88 and sunny today at UNC Chapel Hill. It is now like 50 and raining here at West Point. Life Sucks. Mental Note: Hot girls are plentiful in Chapel Hill. My roommate and I do not belong to a company. We belong to a large group of people that hate us." "Don't irritate me because I'll put you all on the area just because I can."~ my TAC this morning at another lovely piss test Due to budget constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice. - The Management DASAF has mandated that until I install handrails and a safety net, only two people may ride my ass at a time. Please take a number and get in line. West Point... it's like eating vegetables. It's getting to the point where I can't even go outside safely without wielding a shotgun to ward off all the bullshit. "If God were a cadet, he would have slept for six days and pulled an all nighter."

you know how sometimes a judge will give someone the option of going to prison or joining the army? well it'd be funny if they gave them the option of going to prison or going to west point, because either way they're going to prison, but then again, this would probably qualify as cruel and unusual punishment "Sir, fuck you, fuck your building, fuck your time, and fuck your method!" --cadet on what he would say to Sylvanus Thayer if he were alive today. tomorrow's newspaper-"A west point cadet died today after doing nothing in his group project and leaving his partner out to dry." "Cadet Jones was overheard several times saying that he was going to kill him, but nobody took him seriously." "An investigation is currently underway." Evidently, sometimes you've got to do the wrong thing to do the right thing every morning I wake up at West Point, I know things will never get better until I go back to sleep again I'm pulling a guard shift. So that means somewhere, somehow, I'm out making the world safe for democracy by sitting on my ass at a desk. Yes, once or twice a month I get stuck with this mind-numbing 18 hour job that is known to most as CCQ. This consists of sitting at a desk in the hallway, staring at the wall from 5:20AM-11:30PM. West Point in a nutshell: " Hey, I need you to stop looking like you threw on a wrinkled shirt that you just pulled out of a drawer. People are starting to notice but don't want to say anything to you." I.H.T.F.P. I am standing outside in the sub-freezing temperatures to practice walking for the next two hours. Again, I.H.T.F.P. With any luck, I'll fall down the stairs and cripple myself on the way to formation. "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face--forever." - George Orwell (1903 - 1950)...I think ole George went here The more rules you follow here, the less friends you have. No morals, just standards Best Quote of "Affirmation Night": "Don't fuckin tell me congratulations. You don't say, "Good Job" to a man walking down the Green Mile on his way to the Chair. I just signed my life away." We have to be moved out of our rooms by tomorrow....I have two finals tomorrow....then I have to live here for a week after that...for the whole next week we will do absolutely

nothing....but we have to move out during finals...I just want one thread of common sense....just one...but no...CoC has their heads up their asses....wake the fuck up!!!! This place has reached the top rung of the gayness ladder...Read the following..."Effective immediately all doors in each company area will remain open from 2300 until the CDO's and CCQ's close out the company. As directed, 1st Class Cadets engaged in these inappropriate activities will not graduate with their class on time. Underclassmen caught engaging in these activities will immediately lose all privileges and face at a minimum a BDE board (120 hours)." Wow....what a school I have...if you yell out yer window...you won't graduate, and if you run naked across our open area...you are a turnback....fuckin homos... One day, while we were marching discipline tours, some cadet was escorting a 6-yearold girl through the area... Little Girl: Haha! You have to walk! Cory: Haha! There's no Santa Claus! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Moments of pure genius So there I was...sitting in the mess hall for Thursday night mandatory Dinner. It just so happens that this week, the theme was to pay tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, and rightfully so. So while we're eating, they show a short video about King's accomplishments, clips from his speeches, and it ends with the photo of Dr. King on the ground after he had been shot. Promptly after the video ends, the morons from WKDT decide that they will pump everyone up with a rousing rendition of "Let the bodies hit the floor." Are you kidding me? Two words: Pure Genius. This week's moment of pure genius comes not from a cadet, but from a TAC NCO. I know, I know...what a suprise. A real shocker. And now for the story... During a routine room inspection, the TAC NCO notices that the room's floor had not been swept in a while. Wondering why the cadet had not swept the room, the TAC NCO then said, "How frequency are you supposed to sweep this floor?" How frequency? Is that supposed to be a joke? Apparently someone needs to dust off the old "Hooked on Phonics" tapes with a little more FREQUENCY! The best NCO's that the Army has to offer. If that's the case, women get ready to wear curtains for clothes and fellas get ready to don your beards because we are in trouble. Pure Genius. This week's MOPG again comes to us from the sweet dudes in the Brigade Tactical Department. The TAC cells are coming up big the last two weeks with some real beauties. Despite Will's TAC NCO claiming that someone must go on an "A triple A D" instead of an AIAD, the TAC from G3 is the big winner this week. I am going to watch the cadets a little closer this week because I am sure that they'll give me something to write about next week. Here's the story.

The TAC came into my room and busted on me for having my gray blanket over the heater. He called it attempted arson. As if a radiator ...heated by steam..... could ignite a 100% wool blanket. It is now 120 F in my room because I have no control over the millions of BTU's that the heater is pumping out. He said he would authorize me to buy a wrench with my own funds to manipulate the knob that broke off that controls the heat. Congratulations are in order for Mr. George Rash (Esquire). Not only is he an incredibly handsome individual, but he has now made his inaugural appearance on my MOPG. If history truly repeats itself, he will back for a sophomore showing in the very near future. So here's the story... Upon receiving the post slots for the Engineer branch, Rash sends out an e-mail to the rest of the branch. He politely asks everyone in the branch not to choose the Ft. Irwin slot because he "has had his heart set on it for a very long time." This is cool and understandable if you are in the top ten of the Engineer branch. However, 'ol Jorge is not exactly a tiger when it comes to CPR's. Yes, he is dead last in his brach. Nice work Rash...keep it up. If your performance at West Point is any indication of your potential...big things man. Big things. Idiot. The cadet mess hall has garnered top honors this week as being the biggest morons around. On Monday of this past week, the top dogs of the finest dining facility in the NorthEast decided that they were going to close down an entire wing for Breakfast. So here's the math: Number of closed wings: 2 Number of open wings: 4 Number of people without seats and/or food: Approximately 800 As I started this school in MA100 and have never bragged about my math skills, even I can see that these are not the desired numbers. Did they for some reason think that those 800 people just weren't going to show up?! They finally had to sit people back in the originally floated wing and brought them food just as I was getting up to leave. All I to say is that I hope that a couple of the blue coats got pink slips for that beauty. But hey, after all, that did make the MOPG. Congrats! Straight from Will's TAC NCO. Great grammar: I wll not began inspecting TA50 next week. In fact, the message I sent clearly stated that I will began inspecting TA50 this week. Implied tasks are expected of leaders; especially knowing the right thing to do! Cadets assigned this company leadership had the opportunity to inspect your gear during SAMI therefore the gear should have been clean without problems coming by to see me this week. ( what does this mean?) I will not proclude you form taking a pass this weekend, but there is a lesson learn here for all of you. The bottom line is the fact that there is "No Excuse" if the turn in point reject one of our cadets because they did not clean their TA 50. I have made an effort to provide an

experience eye on Cadets gear, but those that did not come by made a concious decision not to stop for whatever reason, shame on you! I know it's early this week but I couldn't stand it any longer. This week's moment of pure genius goes to Ranger Charles Schwab. His poor rambling attempt at asking a question to the leader panel the other night was one of the best I have seen in a while. In a very Kargus-esque type of way, Schwab manages to call a former secretary of the Army and a general with more ribbons than a Special Olympics track meet, fascists, socialists, and communists. Look, I understand that during the mountain phase of Ranger school there is no political science being taught, but apparently the laughter of the rest of our classmates didn't exactly set off any bells with ol' Chuck. However, I think that Russert's "Have you or have you ever been..." comment put a beautiful cap on Schwab's raving antics. Schwab, go do a patrol or something. A few weeks ago at a briefing all the TACNCO's tried to take revenge on the cadets. Cadets were piling in from the bottom doors of IKE to go to IKE hall. Cadets were putting there coats on the seats right outside Robinson and on the couches below. The TACNCO's kept yelling at them to hang them up. The only question is where? The 10 hangers upstairs or the 20 downstairs. Now there is somewhere around 2000 cadets trying to find places for their coats so half end up taking it into the briefing and the other half takes their chances and leaves their coats on the benches right outside IKE hall. Well the TAC NCO's take all these coats, probably around 500, and dumb them all over the edge to the bottom floor. Reports say the TACNCO's were laughing the whole time saying, "That will teach them." The result was cadets digging through piles of coats for 20 minutes trying to find theirs, and nobody getting their own hat back. So, these TAC NCO's they are professional right? Oh yeah, formal complaints have gone up, but we know how good ol WP works. MOPG....Here's proof this place makes you socially retarded. Brigade Daily Notes, Wednesday May 8, 2002 Learn How to Grocery Shop Firsties, this is your chance to learn how to shop at the commissary. Members of the West Point community are offering a free "how to shop" course with the individual sections (produce meats, dairy, etc.) of the commissary. If you are interested contact CDT Shimul Patel '02, by COB 10 May 2002. WTF? Hunter-gatherers were able to provide for themselves in the wilderness but apparently a soon to be college graduate in charge of 30 people and possibly millions of dollars of shit can't find food in the space of 20 aisles, each with a prominent sign that says what's there?!? Golden children my ass.......

MOPG: Season II This story comes from one of the most bitter cadets to ever exist. His motivation to live has been sapped out of him by these granite walls and has decided not to do anything for the remainder of his tenure. His shoes haven’t seen Kiwi in ages and I doubt he even knows where to find a broom…anyway, here’s the story: I am pleased to announce that hell has just frozen over, check out this e-mail that the room with the biggest slackers in the company got today from the TAC: "Gentlemen, The CDO noted that your rooms exceeded the standard during his inspection this past evening. Keep up the good work and ensure you hold your subordinates to the same high standard. If you have the time, one of you from each of the two rooms can stop by my office and I'll give you a PMI card to use this week. Thanks, CPT M" Clearly this place fosters social rejects who can neither convey nor perceive sarcasm. MOPG: This week’s MOPG begins with the faulty premise that “All cadets love football and wouldn’t know what to do with their time if they didn’t have to go to the game.” Turning 2 of our 3 3-day weekends into football weekends has certainly given me something to do. Now I don’t have to worry about anything like beer or girls. Fuckers…The whole “Saturday football” deal was bad before but now that it’s mandatory and punishable, we have reached a new plateau of pain. On top of that, the formation an hour before the game right outside the stadium is indispensable to ensuring that no one is trying to have fun elsewhere. I’m sure it looks great with all 4,000 of us standing there in the stadium grimacing as they run another one back on us and the point spread widens to something approaching triple digits. Cheering was over when they were up by 14 with 13:50 left in the first quarter. Cadets strategically positioning themselves near the exits to make a break for it as soon as it is humanly possible. Even the rabble rousers and the “big brass rocket” are powerless to resurrect the broken morale. Yet another example of “higher” working for you. Pure genius. MOPG: The infamous English department takes responsibility for this week’s bit of brilliance. Despite well written pieces of creativity it is impossible to get a reasonably decent grade. You may spend upwards of 12 hours pondering, writing, addressing each aspect of the criterion using diction, imagery, and a unique perspective and yet find yourself sporting the foxtrot. As if this could possibly encourage me to spend more time working towards academic banality and mental frustration. On top of that, if you don’t pass the final you get to leave without a diploma. Sweet deal. Clearly, this class is not a requirement for becoming a TAC NCO.

MOPG: TAC’s can always be counted on for remarkable absurdities. This week is certainly no exception. For three years I’ve kept my athletic shoes aligned and displayed in the bottom of my coat closet. As an amazing coincidence, so has everyone else. So this morning a great dude we refer to as Focker or the Good Captain, came by everyone’s room and heaved people’s running shoes from the coat closet to a more appropriate place... the floor. Some of the shoes were confiscated and held without bail since they demonstrated “blatant disregard for regulation.” Evidently, you have to get in uniform, put on shower shoes and walk to the latrine to get your shoes because some primate wrote down some absurd statute. This is unfortunate because plebe’s even aren’t allowed to wear shower shoes during the day seeing as how that’s an upper class privilege. In a desperate attempt to talk some sense into the Good Captain, he said maybe you should keep them in a drawer. I think the middle of the floor is a better place for them, actually. This place is run by monkeys with typewriters. MOPG: My Tac NCO, in a fit of boredom, decided to raid my lock box and take my bayonet, watch, and checkbook. Actually, let me correct that statement. He decided to take my shit on Friday afternoon, and just wait until today to tell me about it. So long about lunchtime he rolls in my room and inquires as to why I haven't seen him to pay my debt (in pushups, the universal NCO currency). Only then does he realize he hasn't told me that he went all hamburglar on my stuff last week. Glad I didn't need my checkbook for anything, like paying bills, buying things, posting bail, etc. Remember, stealing isn't a crime if you're an NCO, but having stealable stuff is. Pure genius. MOPG: Maybe it comes from upbringing, but I’ve always been told to put trash in the trash can. Interestingly enough, such conjectures are nonsensical to the powers that be. Yes, I speak of AMI. In the morning I am not authorized to keep trash in my trash can. Evidently, some Nobel prize winner thought it’d be a good idea to keep trash someplace else in the morning. Like out my window. Good one…an act of defenestration. Nothing like chucking debris out a window to keep people happy. Who knows what would happen if this decree weren’t in place. I bet the area outside my window would be a lot cleaner. Pure genius. MOPG: As in kindergarten, cadets must ask permission to use the latrine. This Moment of Pure Genius comes to use from the economics department as told by a current student. So I get up during class to take a piss. Being that this is college (ha, right) I'm just going to walk out of the room. Just as I get to the door...Officer: What's wrong? Me: I have to use the bathroom, sir. Officer: When you're a lieutenant, are you just going to walk out on the oporder briefing? …Wow. How cool is this? Apparently economics class is

closely related to armed conflict and the information is extremely vital to the success of... Indeed. Let’s not even get into mutual respect. MOPG: Whenever you think that you might be running low on cynicism all you have to do is take a quick glance at the SOP and you will find yourself brimming. For instance, when was the last time you had to send up a memorandum to request authorization for a friendship? Well, we do here, because that’s just the kind of professional people we are. But seriously, which information bankrupt and savvy-absent character thought this one up? I mean, how does this sound… “Do you want to be friends? I can send up the memo by COB today.” And the higher-ups wonder why we are socially impotent when we get out of this place. Pure Genius. MOPG: Secrets and lies! Secrets and lies! So they take about $125 out of our cadet accounts to pay for three shows at Ike Hall so we can go for “free” and become more cultured and such. Sounds like a good plan to a trusting soul yet but it seems that everything worth seeing has an additional charge of at $15. I’m not saying that this is going to break anyone’s piggy bank but if we already paid $41 per show and then you slap on an extra $15 then we are paying more than anyone else in attendance. Ike Hall must make a killing on cadets because even if no one goes to the damn show they still have 4,000 seats paid for. Exploited and abused. We’re all either too stupid or too busy to do anything about it. And that’s what good business is all about. I’m not even going to get into some of the other worthy deductions from our cadet accounts including (but not limited to) Army Athletic Association Fee and Football Spirit Items. Moment of Pure Genius: When plebes get the power that comes with their temporary chain of command positions they tend to do and say strange things, and so it goes with one female plebe who was made Platoon Leader of her company for PPW. Upon deciding to have a uniform show for the parents, she also gave herself the honor of being its orator, somewhere along the line social tact failed her. 'Next I would like to present the Full Dress Uniform worn with white pants in the warmer months, as you can see this cadet in under arms for a parade with chapel belts and ammo box. ON his head he has a parade hat nicknamed a tar-bucket protruding from which is his "Donkey Dick" oops I mean plume"-gasps from the TAC, TACNCO and parents watching. Apparently parents and TAC don't approve of the word "Donkey Dick" needless to say this moment of creative genius in front of everyone's horrified parents will be forever remembered as a - Moment of Pure Genius. MOPG: This week an econ major speaks out against the financial abusers of helpless cadets. He’s none too pleased just as all who have some sense of justice should be. Anyway, here’s the story... Pardon me while I rant: We all have to buy Army-Navy t-shirts. It's a fact that we've accepted, but if you'll take a look at your cadet account you'll notice that you paid $18.50

for it. Yet the same shirt only costs $16 in the bookstore. In the economic world this is known as third degree price discrimination. Others prefer the term getting royally screwed. Let's just assume that the bookstore isn't operating at a loss and that the price is equal to cost at $16, that still means that someone/thing is getting a $2.5 profit off of every cadet here. I went ahead and did the math, that's $10,000 we're getting over priced. If a guy on wall street did this he'd be in jail, but if west point does it to us it's ok. What the hell?? Pure evil genius. MOPG: this place will make you drive 7 hours in the snow to make it to the army navy game, but it won't let you drive 40 minutes after a tee (work in progress) Root Rants: Firstie Year…what an all-consuming crock of shit and brimstone this has been. Just when you thought West Point had done everything possible to you…just when you thought they had reached the limit of Stalinist oppression…they turn to thievery. Don’t look now kids, but some dude in green with stars on his shoulder just smashed your window, rummaged through your underwear drawer, and ran off with your BAH. Now when we finally drag ourselves out of the seething tar pit of character development, we all get to pick out refrigerator boxes and park ourselves under an overpass on the New Jersey turnpike for two months. Start saving those New York Times right now, because you’re going to want a blanket on those crisp June nights. I remember all the stories from the 03 grads about how they were taking trips to Europe and cruising the Caribbean. I’m sure they’ll be envious as hell when I tell them that I spent my leave in Piscataway, NJ searching through dumpsters for stray soda cans to redeem. Clearly West Point is running out of ideas. I mean, usually they try to disguise the torture with the impenetrable cloak of professionalism, which is almost limitless in its ability to mask utter bullshit. At the very least they could have had the decency to lie to us and tell us that the money would be given to the Little Sisters of the Poor or the Our Lady of Perpetual Motion Catholic Church or some other such organization that might possibly add one shred of redeeming value to this. In reality, we all know that the money they save by forcing us to live like strung-out heroin junkies in Mexico City will somehow be used for the good of the Corps. I personally hope that my share goes to buy more plastic clapping hands for the crowds at Michie Stadium, or some 100-spoke gold rims and gangster-whitewall tires for that Rabble Rouser truck. As usual, the great power in the sky has decided that West Point Week No. 145,654 (for the firsties) didn’t make us all suicidal enough. Enter random snowstorm. Granted, snow in general is not the harbinger of misery that it is at West Point. But that is because on every other square inch of the planet snow is removed in a logical manner consisting of large orange trucks and overpaid union workers. However, we all know that those who exercise logic at West Point are given the special “leadership treatment,” wherein former KGB agents and/or large Italian ‘legitimate businessmen’ break into their homes

at night to machine-gun their families and leave an empty milk carton in the fridge. Accordingly, logic is 100% absent from WP, to include snow removal. Take today for example. There are, at any given time, 2000 cadets trudging off to first-hour class to have their brains filled with everything from discrete dynamical systems (four years later I still have no fucking clue what that shit was) to the absolute useless tripe that is Mil Art (I’m sure someday, when my helicopter goes down, I’ll turn to my knowledge of Operation Cartwheel to save myself).Yet it is somehow beyond the power of West Point to remove snow prior to 7:35 AM, thus giving us all the distinct pleasure of fighting our way to Thayer Hall like wounded pack animals wandering off to die. This is true unless the snow has been there longer than one day, at which point West Point’s crack snow removal team consisting of three guys named Rocko who all got their heavy equipment operator’s license from a cereal box and own every piece of New York Jets apparel ever made will spring into action at exactly 3:42 AM. In keeping with the institutional philosophy they show up with a road grader, which sounds as though it is powered by a small moon rocket yet sports a blade no larger than a garden trowel, thus requiring 854 passes across the area to make one pile of snow. Following the grand prix of snow grading, the bucket loader and dump trucks show up. Since it is dark, these vehicles are specially outfitted with surplus WWII searchlights mounted to shine in every possible direction but the ground. They then carry on a special snow dance ritual, wherein the loader slams its bucket into the pavement, the buildings, the dumpsters, and cadet laundry bundles while the dump truck responds by blowing its horn beneath selected windows. Three hours later they leave, satisfied that every cadet is wide awake. Meanwhile, Rocko no. 3 is arriving is the salt truck to coat the area in enough salt chunks to melt my ex-girlfriend’s frigid personality…or all of Canada. In the end, only one thing is for sure: every barber shop appointment I make from now until graduation will be cancelled. When the snow runs out, they’ll claim leprosy or Ramadan or some other irrefutable extenuating circumstance.

So I am a lazy bastard and didn’t get around to this last week. Anyhow, a rant of a different color…the FORWARDING RULES STILL APPLY (AS IN DON’T DO IT…I WANT TO GRADUATE) Maxims of Cadet Life 1. Being a cadet makes you tough. I am going to petition the Superintendent and various DA officials to have the official school name changed to “United States Tommy Tuffnuts Academy at West Point.” Apparently, every other cadet’s congressman had a little Wizard of Oz ceremony before R-Day. Except instead of giving their cowardly cadets a ticking heart-shaped clock, the Congressmen presented each soon-to-be cadet with a pair of bronzed grapefruit. I can see it now… Congressman: ”Here you go son, use these in place of your normal balls. Now, you can tear a man’s arm off and beat him with it while opening soup cans with your teeth.” And there you have it. Thanks to the benevolent men and women of the United States Congress, kids who spent their entire high school careers stuffed in lockers walk around with the fervent belief that they could make a freight train take a dirt road just by standing on the tracks.

2. Tattoos make you tough. If I had a dime for every skinny, pasty, flabby cadet with a tattoo, I’d have bought my Tac’s house and evicted him by now. I know when I see the inked edges of a “tribal band” peeking out from the sleeves of a gym A shirt, my immediate thought is that this cadet is not only a rugged individualist, but is also tougher than the ass-end of a dump truck. What exactly is the point of getting a “tribal band” on your arm when said arm is attached to an affluent white kid from suburban Boston? Maybe these tough guys are showing their ethnic membership in the Tattoo Parlor Wall Tribe, because that’s exactly where they chose that design from when they were drunk off a couple Bartles & Jaymes Seabreezers. 3. Never, but never give someone a ride. This maxim applies at all times, but especially when driving up past the lots to the PX, or down past the lots. Adhering to this maxim takes a special breed of cadet. Nevermind that walking to the lots is akin to running the Iditarod without a dogsled, because Joe Cadet would run down his own mother and cut the ambulance off if it would get him to the Palisades sooner…because Best Buy only has so many Dave Matthews and John Mayer CDs… 4. Hate Trou I am continually amazed at the guys here who claim to hate “trou.” Often, they exhibit their dislike for our local co-eds by saying things like “I’d never touch her.” This statement makes perfect sense, because women outside West Point are lining up like Soviet mothers in a bread line to have sex with these winners. In actuality, the majority of these remarks are made by cadets who “somehow got on the mailing list” for Victoria’s Secret and secretly tear the department store lingerie ads out of the newspaper. Clearly, women here are less palatable because they made the same college choice (albeit a terrible one) as the guys did. This is the same brand of logic that gave us Cadet Casual and the Plebe Club. 5. Never lift legs. There are 3 muscle groups in the world of cadet physiology: lower biceps, upper biceps, and abs (the biceps of the stomach). Lifting legs is a sure path to overall strength and athletic prowess. Since the average cadet couldn’t beat a midget at tetherball, leg exercises can be safely avoided. I promise another edition this week. Happy Tuesday.

Here we are at the end of another week. My blood pressure is higher and my will to live is lower. The Academy has succeeded once again, as this continual erosion if cadet sanity is clearly the undeclared mission of USMA. Never one to leave anything as important as the rate of mental breakdowns to chance, West Point has thus cultivated a number of special tools to ensure that by Friday morning, the idea of setting your BDUs on fire with you inside them is option you’re willing to pursue. I am thoroughly convinced that one such tool is a little corner of blackest hell the Academy has named C Lot (as in “C what the hell happens to your car when you park here”). You might have noticed that the lots which bear other, less sinister letters have a few defining parking lot characteristics (such as pavement, light, and those ingenious white lines to guide wayward cadets when parking). C Lot, on the other hand, was built by the same forced labor company whose army of disgruntled illegal aliens gave us Thayer Walk (in only 10 months!). Using a healthy mix of vodka-soaked grandfathers and juvenile offenders from Poland, Hungary, and Perth Amboy NJ, they painstakingly crafted C Lot out of Chechnyan rubble, edge dressing, cadet earmuffs, and old Grant Hall wraps. After ensuring that the patch of ground in no way resembled a parking lot, it was opened to cadets.

By allowing only cadets to park in C Lot, the Academy has ensured the greatest concentration of stupid assholes within several light years of earth. A typical C Lot parking experience is something akin to a nice Eskimo man returning home to find that Vikings have sacked the village in his absence. The first obstacle is the driveway parkers. Driveway parkers are a particular brand of stewed asshole. Fearful of having to spend upwards of 30 seconds searching for their car in the actual lot, these American leaders park along the driveway into the lot, which when unblocked measures approximately 8 feet wide. Merely getting into the lot thus requires a precision maneuver wherein you must vault your car onto the two passenger side wheels to careen through the gap, since the aforementioned cars are parked completely sideways with the doors open. In some cases, handfuls of roofing nails are scattered in the driveway lane not blocked by the driveway parkers. Provided you actually make it into the lot, the real fun can begin. Behold the splendor of government facilities as you swerve around potholes large enough to house entire refugee families. Should you be extremely lucky, you might come across a vacant parking space. You will recognize a space by the fact that it is wide enough for a tricycle and still covered by a sizeable chunk of glacier from the Jurassic period. Should you elect to park in the space, be courteous and pay some officer’s kid to take a ball peen hammer to your car, thus saving the cadets next to you the time of denting your doors themselves. If you can’t find a space, your best bet is to soak your seats in gasoline and burn your car to the ground for insurance money, because there is no way out of C Lot. While you were searching for a Jell-O box-sized spot to stuff your middle class car into, several dozen cadets with BMWs, Audis, Porsches, Infinitis, and the occasional zeppelin have strategically double parked at every possible location. Unable to walk the extra 50 yards from E Lot with their heavy load of Abercrombie bags and the flimsy soles of their K-Swiss shoes, these fine wastes of oxygen happily block in anyone they feel like. These cadets are clearly quick-thinking and resourceful individuals, as they all managed to get to their respective DMVs in time to claim such classic plates as USMA 04, ARMY04, MIKE MUH, and the all-time favorite CBTENGR. Fortunately, the powers-that-be have now assigned the misery of C Lot to second regiment only. Thus, many of you can now enjoy the modern amenities of E and F Lot while the bastard children of the Bradley Housing Projects continue to park in the gravel pit of automotive despair. At least we get BAH. Happy Friday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------You Might Be A West Point Cadet If… 1. If you have ever had to sign a book to go to McDonald's... 2. If you live in a building where the number of knickknacks on your

shelf is a monitored activity... 3. If your door is always open to help others with their problems (at least, until 2200)... 4. If you consider sheet pizza, chicken Caesar salad, chocolate pudding with oreo cookies, and grape drink a great meal... 5. If you have ever drank your entire paycheck... 6. If you have a fine collection of demerits and inspection discrepancies... 7. If you've tried to cram a month's worth of drinking into a 72-hour period... 8. If your chain of command dictates the time between laundry loads... 9. If you cannot remember when you last drove a car... 10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into two Academy-issue trunks and a couple of milk crates. 11. If you have ever been completely happy drinking Natural Light (or even...BEAST!!!) because you haven't tasted beer for months... 12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and say to yourself "I hate my life"... 13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night... 14. If your trash is overflowing with Schades containers and Mountain Dew bottles... 15. If you eat in the Mess Hall because you have to, even though bugs live in the Octoberfest food...

16. If you think the reason we were issued four Long Sleeve AFC shirts was "one for every year you're at the Academy"... 17. If you and your classmates are personally keeping the local pizza place (Schades) from bankruptcy... 18.

If you wake up every 10 minutes during class to Dr. Webber saying,

"Are you with us?" 19. If you wear the same t-shirt 365 days in a row -- without washing it... 20. If your breakfast consists of crap and crap related material, and you can't even get water because the Mess Hall "ran out of it"... 21. If your social life consists of... What social life? 22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is getting a nice high n' tight... 23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room during finals week... 24. If the most exciting thing in your week is going down to the Dayroom to watch "Friends" each Thursday night... 25. If you think of any Civilian College as "Heaven"... 26. If your midnight snack is honey packets and skim milk taken from the Mess Hall and eaten by the light of your computer screen after lights out... 27. If you celebrate when you leave, sleep, drink... 28. If your room is so cold that your blue magnet freezes over... 29. If your walls are barren of posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)..

30. If you do not have any built up tolerance for any beverages (heh heh heh)... 31. To go along with #30, if you get completely plastered off your second beer (while in high school you could finish off a case by yourself)... 32. If you wear a gym shirt for so long that it stands up by itself... 33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room... 34. If you wake up and three hours later its still dark... 35. If you single-handedly keep the Kiwi and Brasso companies in business... 36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes... 37. If you get more e-mail than mail...... 38. If your teachers have killed people and have medals to prove it... 39. If spending Friday night cleaning your room is completely normal. 40. If your life is dictated by a single email each day...(Training Schedule!!!!)... 41. If your toothbrush has your name on it... 42. If freshmen pledging lasts 9 months... 43. If everyone dresses like you... 44. If you live in fear of four letters: OC. 45. If being late is a hangable offense. 46. If painting a rock in Highland Falls is your idea of good morale... 47. If there's a big statue of a man on a horse in front of where you eat.

48. If you keep telling yourself that things will get better...but they just keep on getting WORSE. 49. Some mornings, when friends of yours at other colleges are still asleep with huge hangovers from the night before, you're stumbling around in the grass with a rifle on your shoulder and a big, big knife... 51. If you're constantly being told that "life's great once you get to the Real Army"... 52. If "Spirit Towels" are supposed to make you feel good about being at the Academy... 53. If you're still trying to earn Gold Stars, Silver Stars just like you were in KINDERGARTEN!!! 54. If you spend your summer vacation "camping" and going on long hikes through the woods looking for "Charlie". 56. If you're stuck wearing the same six gym shirts from Beast and THEN four years...just because they're "issued items"... 57. If you've graduated from high school and are going to be in charge of a platoon in less than two years, but you require a freshman to open your butter for you. 58. If you're making less now than you did mowing lawns when you were twelve years old.... 61.

If you look forward to going home so you can at least have the same

freedom you had as a senior in high school... 62.

If you're constantly trying to explain to people out in public that, no,

you're not a skycap, or a bellboy, or a bus driver.. .

63.

If you've ever thought that prison might be a favorable alternative to

your everyday life. . . 64.

If you go running across another college campus (Conn) just to make

yourself feel like you're still a part of humanity.. . 65.

If you can't carry your coffee mug to class because it looks

unprofessional.. . 67.

If you're taking carpools to go places like you used to do in elementary

school (libo vans).. . 68.

If you can remember an extended period of time in which you stood still,

looked straight ahead, and didn't say anything…for hours at a time. 69.

If you still think this number (<--) is funny even to say...

70. If you have 4000 brothers and sisters, you're the best and the brightest the country has to offer but you're treated like a slow child, and you have less rights and responsibilities now than you did as a Cub Scout/ Brownie....

My section leader addressing my roommate: Section Leader (during ESP several hours after drill): “Why is this weapon not locked up (M14 lying on bed) My roommate: “Because I stand ready to engage and destroy the enemies of the United States in close combat.” "The hypothalamas plays a major roll in the regulation of basic biological drives related to survival, including the so-called four F's - fighting, feeding, fleeing and mating." ~PL100 text book Class of 09