Give Woman A Hand Job

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Sexuality How To Give a Handjob to a Woman By Cory Silverberg, About.com

Updated: June 6, 2008

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The term handjob is usually reserved for something you do to a man. But there aren’t any good terms for pleasuring a woman using your hands and fingers, so I’m sticking with handjob. Giving a great handjob is as much about making a connection with your partner as it is about a specific technique. Don’t think of a handjob as work, think of it as a craft. Thinking of yourself as a crafts person (which, I guess, means “vulva” is your clay?) seems fitting, since a really great handjob is way more art than science. Below are some tips both scientific and artistic, to guide you in the development of your craft. Difficulty: N/A Time Required: Two Minutes to two hours, handjobs can usually fit into any schedule Here's How: 1. Deal with your hang-ups, embrace the “mystery.” Regardless of your gender, our society doesn’t offer a lot of information about female genitals. We do get a lot of myth and misinformation about the clitoris, vagina, and vulva and often people think of it as a dark and mysterious place they can’t fully understand. The idea of mystery isn’t bad, as long as you know that it’s a mystery that can be discovered, not something that will always be confusing and misunderstood. If you have any psychological hang-ups about female genitals they will get in the way of a great handjob. 2. Know your audience. We all like different kinds of stimulation at different times, and most of us have general preferences for the intensity of stimulation. We also all come to the handjob realm with a history, positive and negative. Women with painful histories maybe fearful or cautious when approached by even the most loving hands. A casual conversation (not before or during sex) about each of your handjob pasts can yield some important background information. And if you’re not comfortable asking what she likes directly, there are other ways to gauge what works and what doesn’t. 3. Whatever you do, start slowly. Most important is a handjob that brings enthusiasm and adventure AND the ability to start slow and pay attention. As you touch her pay attention to the movement of your fingers, how much pressure you’re applying, the speed of your fingers and where you are touching her. At the same time pay attention to what’s going on for her. Is she making happy noises? Is she moving her body? You can also solicit simple feedback during the handjob (“you like?” “you want more”), although too much talking or too many questions can get distracting. 4. Female genital anatomy and you. If you’re used to male genitals it can be hard at first to feel comfortable with a woman’s body which may seem “hidden.” In fact there’s no anatomical mystery you can learn as much about a woman’s body as a man’s. Having a familiarity with the fundamentals of female genital anatomy 1 can help both in the specifics (e.g. knowing where there are lots of nerve endings and where there are fewer) and also in a general way it might give you greater confidence going in. 5. Know her hotspots. Most of the terms used for female handjobs (like “fingering”) can be misleading if you think that’s all there is to it. Aside from knowing where most of her sensation will be, the clitoris, remember that the whole area, including her inner thighs and bum, can produce amazingly pleasurable sensations. Either by asking or by exploring, learn where her hotspots are. You’ll also find that some areas call for more vigorous stimulation than others. So the way you touch the clitoris may be very different than the way you touch the labia. 6. How giving a handjob is like reading a story. Like most good stories, a handjob has a beginning middle and end. There are no rules about these being equal or being a certain length. You may want the handjob to end when you’re both ready to have another kind of sex, or you may

http://sexuality.about.com/od/tipstechniques/ht/give_a_handjob_.htm?p=1 want it to end with an orgasm. But thinking about giving a handjob as if it’s like telling your partner a story can help keep you tuned into two crucial elements of a good handjob, pacing and connection. 7. Building up, coming down, getting off. Keeping a good pace during the handjob is crucial. In most cases you want to start slow (with lots of light touch and teasing), building up to a steady stimulation, and then intensifying to the point of orgasm. Stopping in the middle, starting too fast and rough, or trying to use light stimulation after you’ve been stroking hard for a while, probably won’t work. There’s no formulae for the right pacing, but experiment and pay attention to your partners response (e.g. deeper breaths, more moaning, increased body tension) and let that be your guide. 8. Making contact. What separates a handjob from masturbation is both the excitement of the unknown, but also the fact that it’s someone else giving you pleasure. Keeping a tight connection between you and your partner during a handjob will exponentially increase the quality and satisfaction. Whether it’s making eye contact, allowing yourself to make noises as she does, or touching other parts of her body with a free hand (or other parts of your body), anything you can do to attune yourself to her experience will help you in focusing on the pleasure of the moment rather than thinking about what you’re going to next. 9. Use your hands to get a lay of the land. The first time you’re touching your partner using your hands and fingers, feel your way around, but take time to really feel her. It’s not just about fumbling your way to the clitoris or vaginal opening. Notice the difference in how the outer labia feel and how the inner labia feel. How does the perineum feel different than the pubic mound? One thing I recommend is to pay attention as if you had to describe what you’re feeling to someone who had never felt it before. 10. Fingers, pads and tips. Your hands and fingers offer a variety of tools to touch with. You can use the length of your finger and the knuckles to create very different sensations and pressure. You can use the pad of your fingers (which is the flat part you see when you open your hand and turn it toward you. The pads have a bit of padding and a little texture to them. You also have the tips of your fingers and fingernails, both of which create more pointed sensations. 11. 1,000 ways to touch. With fingers, run the length of your finger along the skin. Roll your fingers back and forth. Use fingers for penetration. You can use your fingertips to isolate skin and gently apply pressure to it, squeezing it between two fingers. Use the pads of your fingers to gently, or not so gently, tap rhythmically. Brush your pads or finger tips back and forth across an area to create more intense, vibrator like stimulation. These are just a few ideas, the point is to experiment and find ways of touching that feel good to you and your partner. 12. Move in all directions. You may be tempted to see female genitals as a vertical space, and as a result all your hand movements maybe be up and down. Don’t fall into that trap. Many women like the feeling of fingers rubbing their clitoris in a side-to-side motion. Others will love a twisty or circular motion. And of course you can play with building up one kind of motion and then switching to the same intensity but in opposite direction. 13. The clitoris is 3-D. If you think the clitoris is like a button on the surface of the body that just needs to be pressed with the right amount of pressure, or the right number of times, you’re missing the boat. Think about the clitoris as sticking out, having a top a bottom and sides. Play with all the edges before you come swooping in from above, and see what works. Some women report preferring stimulation on one side of their clitoris more than the other. Don’t forget that the clitoris extends deep into the body, so deep massage of the whole area can be pleasurable once she’s already aroused. 14. Going in. Not all women want penetration, but many like it as part of a handjob. As always, start slow and with one finger. You can play with the depth of penetration, the speed, and also the kind of pressure you apply once you’re inside the vagina. Gentle pressure, applied firmly to the front wall can be pleasurable for some women (and may stimulate the g spot2). You can also play with twisting your wrist so that your fingers turn. If you’re using your fore or middle finger for

http://sexuality.about.com/od/tipstechniques/ht/give_a_handjob_.htm?p=1 penetration you can provide clitoral stimulation with your thumb or other part of your hand depending on how your positioned. 15. Become a multi-tasker. When women are surveyed for the fastest and most desirable way for them to have an orgasm very often they report that simultaneous clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration with fingers is choice #1. It’s not something everyone can do, but once you’re comfortable and having fun with handjobs, think about how you can create two kinds of stimulation at two different points, at the same time. Tips: 1. Forget about porn. In most cases it’s safe to say that the sex you see in porn isn’t a good example to follow, but I would say this is especially true of handjobs for women. Most of the sex in porn simply isn’t real3 . There is no build up and far too much banging and slapping which, even if you like that (and some women do) you need to build up to. So with very few exceptions, put everything you’ve seen in mainstream pornography out of your mind when your hands head south. 2. Wetter is better. If your partner consistently has a lot of vaginal lubrication you may not want to add more personal lubricant4 , but the fact is that having more lubrication can intensify the stimulation, so in this case more is rarely worse. Sticking with a water-based or silicone-based lubricant is probably the best idea. 3. Learn from a master. One of the best ways to learn is to ask that your partner masturbate for you. If they’re shy you can suggest they wear a blindfold (it may be surprising, but it really helps). Watch how they do it, the kinds of strokes they use, where they are stimulating themselves the most, and the pacing they use from beginning to end. 4. Adding vibration. Vibrators can be a great addition to a handjob, and you should never feel that using one somehow lessens your skill or craft. If you haven’t used one before during a handjob I recommend that you turn it on and put it in her hand so she can show you where she likes vibration, what the speed and pressure of the vibration should be. You can also learn more about using vibrators for women5 to get some pointers. 5. Avoid over stimulation. With too much friction and too much rough stimulation the clitoris can become over stimulated and essentially feel a bit numb. When this happens it’s usually very difficult for the woman to climax no matter how much stimulation you provide. It can be hard to know where the line is, and it requires a bit of communication. Be sure to ask if your being too vigorous and as always, pay attention to non-verbal cues like breathing, facial expressions and movement. More Sexuality How To's6 This About.com page has been optimized for print. To view this page in its original form, please visit: http://sexuality.about.com/od/tipstechniques /ht/give_a_handjob_.htm ©2008 About.com, Inc., a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.

Links in this article: 1. http://sexuality.about.com/od/anatomyresponse/a/femalegenitals.htm 2. http://sexuality.about.com/od/gspotfemaleejaculation/Gspot_Female_Ejaculation.htm 3. http://sexuality.about.com/od/eroticmovies/p/is_porn_real.htm 4. http://sexuality.about.com/od/sextoys/a/lubricants.htm 5. http://sexuality.about.com/od/vibrators/ht/use_a_vibrator.htm 6. http://sexuality.about.com/cs/ht.htm