For Stall Reading Only - Do Not Remove!!!

FOR STALL READING ONLY - DO NOT REMOVE!!!

December 2009

THE

NASTY -GR AM The OFFICIAL shitter reading material of the USS NASSAU and the 24th MEU

http://nastygram.posterous.com

NOW ONLINE! (yes really)

REVIEW: MICROSOFT R2P2 PRO We take a look at the new Microsoft release of a software suite designed to combine the ease of use of Office with R2P2 lower case letters that is divisible by 3. The COA Matrix Generator will oversimplify your detailed plans into a list of 3 basic options, viewable in a spreadsheet. The Map Arrow Generator has over 6,000 different arrows to represent movement of forces across your maps. No two arrows are allowed to be more than once, so you really get to dig into the arrow varieties.

Let’s face it. We all love R2P2. We all love Microsoft Office. What if I told you there was a product that combined these two gems into one easy to use product? Your dreams have been answered with the release of Microsoft R2P2 Professional 2007. The name may be confusing, but the product was initially released in 2007, where it began strict NMCI screening. The delay came when NMCI demanded (in 2007) that the software be only available on thumbdrives for easy deployment to the field. Two years later, and we finally have the NMCI approved product. We were unable to test it on a government computer, due to current thumbdrive restrictions, so we set things up on the nearest Lance Corporal’s personal laptop to take it for a test drive. The first thing you will notice when opening R2P2 Pro, is the vast array of tools available to you for planning. Running down the list, here are the highlights. R2P2 Security Manager requires anyone opening your plan to use a 28-digit password with 8 special characters, a prime number of uppercase letters, and a number of

The Timeline Creator allows you to easily pull together all aspects of your plan into a linear timeline. If you know how to create a doublelinked split-data table in Excel, the Timeline Creator should be a breeze. R2P2 Pro also comes with a version of Powerpoint unavailable to the general public. Powerpoint Super Master Ninja Gold Edition comes with 16,000 transition effects, 128 slide themes, unnecessarily detailed animation control, and full access to the Map Arrow Generator module. You haven’t seen an LZ diagram until you’ve seen it made with the Super Master Ninja Gold Edition! Smartpak Expander will take files from all of the other modules, and add extraneous data to make a smartpak that is at least 50% bigger than necessary. The Friction Insertion Tool generates random errors in all of your data to simulate the friction of war. This feature can be disabled in actual combat scenarios, but requires the Security Manager’s 28-digit password anytime you edit “combat data”. The Extraneous Page Tool is similar to the Smartpak Expander, but does so with all slides, handouts, and comm plans. Overall, R2P2 Pro is a solid software package. The thumbdrive issue is hard to work around, but you can’t deny the beautiful and excessively detailed products it can create.

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MS R2P2 Pro There are 3 versions of R2P2: Home, Gold, and Professional. All versions are only available on thumb-drives, preventing use on government computers.

Devil Dog A specialized office helper is available to guide you through the difficult parts of the R2P2 system.

ASK THE MEU What do you do to stay in shape on the Nassau?

STALL TO STALL 10 questions with the Ambassador of Amberland This is your first visit to a U.S. warship. What are your initial impressions? Honestly, I expected something a little nicer.

Amberland may only have running

water available to 10% of our population, but I have rarely seen sanitary conditions like those on this ship.

What in particular did you find so disturbing? Human feces in the shower.

1stLt Frazier: I take a Centrum Silver and my liver pills with my eggs every morning.

There were

two whole turds in the shower when I was in there.

I had to waffle-stomp them

myself.

But it is so convenient and efficient. Plus you are already in the shower, it’s not like you can’t clean yourself? Can we please focus on something else now?

It’s kind of complicated. Anyway, how have our operations helped your country? The water and food have been a tremendous help. The only problem is that no one has been able to take a shit since eating those MREs.

Have there been any tensions with Sure. Is there anything you particularly regards to cultural differences between liked about the USS NASSAU? U.S. forces and the Amberlandians? The food is incredible.

I have never had

horse meat prepared quite the way the cooks made it.

I prefer something with

more curry, but impressive all the same. I

Capt St. George: That’s easy, frequent and vigorous masturbation sessions.

do have a question for you though.

Go ahead. How is it that you can operate a multimillion-dollar aircraft carrier, launching jets, helicopters, and amphibious boats, but can’t get a fucking ice cream machine to work?

I will pass that on to the galley crew. What about the Marines and Sailors. Were you wowed by their professionalism? They are a group of highly trained individuals, and the pilots are particularly

Capt Bahrns: I turn on all the showers full hot, and do Pilates ‘till I pass out.

handsome.

I was surprised to see so

much man-love though. I thought your government did not allow homosexuals to serve in the military.

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Not at all, the Marines have been absolute professionals and I know of no incidents. Actually, I do remember one incident during the first day of relief operations.

What happened? The word for “blanket” sounds very similar to the word for “dildo” in Amberlandish. It made for an awkward situation when your Marines were trying to distribute linens.

Is there anything you would like to say to the Marines and Sailors of the USS NASSAU on behalf of the people of Amberland? Absolutely.

Please send us some stool

softener. These MREs are killing us.

NASTY-GRAM CLASSIFIEDS Shit and stuff, all in one place.

FOR SALE Lightly used washer and dryer Unsure of year or make. Currently needs minor repair to function. Picture included. Asking $50 or 5 cans of dip. x4122 ask for Jethro.

No need for reward, this shit is good enough. Kenny, x4424.

EMPLOYMENT Seeking Grade “A” Douche-bag

Brown & White Collie Last seen in Wardroom Galley. Large white spot on his back. Answers to “Liberace”. Shavon, x3346.

Must have at least 3 years of experience as a douche-bag, or equivalent WTI certificate. Must be willing to work long hours and face ridicule of peers. Aviation bonus available. Starting salary of $60K, plus FSA and health benefits. Need at

PERSONALS Big Logistics Officer

least 2 references. Email resume and references to [email protected]

Seeking skinny ass comm officer to make my

Male Fluffer (experience preferred)

bitch. Chuck, x2387

Looking for someone to “prep” my junk a few times per week prior to rubbing one out. Like

Tableware setting for 8 (USED) Mostly matching set of white plates with blue trim. Nautical theme. One pate has gold trim with single anchor. Includes silver flatware. $10 OBO. Ted x4453

someone with previous fluffer experience, but

BLT Officer Seeking single white (or hispanic) male to share my thoughts and dreams with. Must enjoy travel, outdoor activities, and knitting. No

homosexuals please. Interview required. Ben, Charlie Company, x6566.

aviators please. Chris, x8416.

MISSED CONNECTIONS

Free kittens

not a requirement. Men only, but no

Litter of 8 black and white tabbies. Yours for the

Stall 6, late Thursday Night

taking. Available in BLT Ops between 0700 and

I was in stall 7 in the E-7 and Above head. I was

1600.

pretty sure you were giving me the tap signal for

ANNOUNCEMENTS Munson - Ehrhard Wedding

man-love, but I was squeezing out a particularly

WANTED Old socks

hard turd. By the time I was done, you had flushed and left. You were wearing size 12 (yum!) tan boots and a tan jumpsuit. I had on

Interested in spare socks. Must be washed.

desert cammies. I just know we would get

Singles OK, any style. Will be used for

along great together. Call me! Trent, x3322

masturbation, so no wool please. Don’t want to spend more than $1 per sock. Will consider trade for older porn. Chris, x5443

Breast Pump

Chubby Jet Pilot Monday night, you were flying a sexy Harrier jet, I was getting off an Osprey, just coming from an R/S insert with my team. You looked at me with

Galley food has given me man-boobs. Side

your steely eyes and made me weak in the

effect of sea-sickness pills is lactation. I need

knees. I tried to get your attention, but you were

something to relieve the pressure, and shrink

so busy with your “cock”pit you didn’t see me

these puppies. Will pay top dollar. Tom x2387.

flashing my number. I want to motorboat in your

LOST & FOUND

fat, hairy, bellybutton. I’m a freak and can tell

Maj Munson and 1stLt Erhard became boat

you are too. Let’s do this. Hank x7675.

husbands Nov 5th in a lovely ceremony on the fan tail. The merger creates the largest

6 Terabytes of (Dutch?) Midget Porn

collection of personal firearms on the Eastern Seaboard.

Found in fan room adjacent to ACE ready room. Mostly foreign language of indiscernible origin.

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ASK UNCLE NASTY Advice and answers on relationships, finance, work, guns, and guitars. Dear Nasty, Are all pilots gay? They they have trouble resisting my manwalk around here in their gay-ass bulge. So for some of us it’s not robes and shower with loofas like a even a choice. bunch of butt-pirates. Uncle Nasty, I recently - Yut Yut Devil Dog used some CLP to The pilots you speak of are not gay. I see masturbate with and More meat where the confusion comes from though. What now I have this horrible than a case of most people don’t understand is that human rash on my junk. What Slim Jims sexuality is actually a continuum. Pilots should I do about my (especially Osprey pilots) are so straight that tender-parts, and what they actually come full circle and cross back can I use besides CLP to willing to get a little messy, the chain grease in over into the gay regime. It’s far easier to keep little Chesty happy? understand with this diagram.

Chuck Norris Pilot

Totally Gay The Sexual Continuum

Straight

Metro Sexual

the lower V has excellent viscosity and texture.

- Rusty Rifleman

Another wardroom option is the Jello, but avoid

Rusty, don’t they teach you this stuff at

the green stuff, as it stains particularly bad.

IOC? CLP on the crank is a rookie mistake (but

While it may be tempting, I would avoid using

we’ve all made it, right?). To get rid of the “CLP

the hand sanitizer gel around the ship. It goes

Once Bumps”, try this tried-and-true method. Grab a in College

on smooth, but causes severe burning that can

bowl of Special-K from the Wardroom. Empty it

last for hours. If your looking for that ultimate

out about halfway, and fill it to the top with 1/2

pleasure, splurge for some Icy-Hot. It’s not for

cup milk, 1/2 cup yogurt (blueberry works best),

the weak of heart, but it’s pleasurable for you

and two shakes of salt. Pepper to taste. Mix

and your hand.

This newsletter is unprofessional and a disgrace to the officers on this ship. You should be ashamed of yourself and stop printing such drivel. You are an officer and a United States Marine, start acting like one.

BiCurious

Regarding the robe particulars, I would

thoroughly until you get a crunchy paste.

hold off judgement. Once you have felt the truly

Spread judiciously on affected area twice daily.

unique concoction of mold, lint, and pubes soak

The rash should be gone in 3-4 days.

into your hairy back while changing in the

erection lasts more than 4 hours, contact a

shower, you will understand the wisdom of a

doctor.

If your

Personally, I like to sport the banana

There are plenty of items around the ship

hammock to and from the shower, but have

that make for excellent masturbatory lubricants.

since been ordered by the CO, SgtMaj,

The easiest to come by is pizza grease from the

Chaplain, Wardroom Officer, and the flight

galley.

surgeon to cover up with something. They say it

your napkin on your pizza and storing the greasy

is for sanitary reasons, but it’s blatantly obvious

napkins in a plastic bag for later use. If you are

robe.

Next Month in the Nasty • The ultimate shipboard Kwanzaa shopping guide. • The best (and worst) European STDs! • 10 ways to ridcule your superiors without getting an adverse FITREP. • We review the best Navy-filter-proof porn sites.

You’ll want to collect this by dabbing

Make your poop count! After you wipe, send us your • • • •

Story ideas Photos* Comments Letters to the editor

*Please, no more photos of actual poop. We are still working through our significant backlog from September’s “So You Think You Can Poop” competition.

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- Anonymous Dork That’s not really a question now is it? Your mom is unprofessional and a disgrace to the officers on this ship.

THE NASTY-GRAM Stall 5, 02-Level MEU Officer Head USS NASSAU email: [email protected] Yes, that email really works. All you CLB and BLT bitches can actually send stuff in. Don’t let these pussy-ass aviators do you like that.