For Better Or For Worse Prt 1 Foundation 020308 Am

“God’s Marriage Blueprint” Reworked from Covenant Marriage Sunday 021603 – preached 020308 am

Genesis 2:18-25 INTRODUCTION A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared. "You have released me from my prison," the genie told her. "To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request." "Why?" the woman asked. "That bum left me for another woman." "That is how it is written," replied the genie. The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet. "And your second wish?" "Genie, I want the world's most expensive diamond necklace." Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza. "Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?" The genie said it was indeed true. "Okay, genie, I'm ready for my last wish," the woman said. "Scare me half to death." Rev. Lowell's Treasury of Humor: He Who Laughs, Lasts - Bardon Data Systems (510) 526-8470

On February 16, 2003, we held our very first Covenant Marriage Sunday. Several of our married couples renewed their vows of commitment to their spouses and their marriage. I remember that very special day when we focused on God’s purpose and plan for marriage. Five years later, a lot has changed. Some that were here are now gone. Some have died, some have moved away; and even a few have gone through the heart-rending experience of divorce. On the other hand, some have found new love, true love, and hopeful love. Some are newly married, others have re-married, and some are looking forward to marriage with anticipation. But as wonderful as marriage may seem to those caught up in the romanticism, there is always that specter – that shadowy figure called ‘Failure’ lurking in the background. And no wonder.

We have seen marriages we thought would last forever, end up in twisted ruins because of repeated collisions of people unwilling to compromise and unwilling to love. We have seen others fail because of the slow slide of the ‘marital drift’ when giving up became an easier choice than making the effort to love. Like the rusting of an automobile, the marriage disintegrated slowly, until it just would not go anymore. Did you know that each day nearly 13,500 people in America don the dress and the tuxedo and commit to each other in a marriage union? Did you also know that about 2/3 of that same number walk into the courthouse to file papers breaking that vow? Statistics show that more than half of all marriages end in divorce. Worse yet is the dismal prediction that sixty-five percent of all new marriages will end in divorce. No wonder so many people think marriage is broken and not worth doing. No wonder marriage is under attack by the liberals in society. No wonder marriage has lost value, honor, and is not sacred, as it once was. The big question is… Why do so many marriages fail? One study concludes, “Not all marriages fail for the same reason. Nor is there usually one reason for the breakdown of a particular marriage. Nevertheless, we hear some reasons more often than others.” They are: Poor communication, financial problems, a lack of commitment to the marriage a dramatic change in priorities, and infidelity. There are other causes that are not reported quite as often such as: Failed expectations or unmet needs, addictions and substance abuse, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, and a lack of conflict resolution skills. We could name a dozen or more reasons why marriage is failing as an institution – but the heart of marriage failure is not institutional; it is relational. MARRIAGES ARE FAILING ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME – ONE COUPLE AT A TIME. Marriages fail because people fail - they fail to love, to honor, and to cherish, through sickness and health, through poverty and prosperity, through the good and the bad. They fail because people do not commit to the effort required for having a good marriage. They fail because people are selfish. Ultimately, marriages fail because people do not build their lives on the foundation of God, His Word, and His plan. Instead, they build it on romanticism, unrealistic expectations, impractical ideas, and the irrational advice of the worldly wise. No wonder they crumble!

But Jesus warned us that the only reliable foundation for life, including marriage, is but Him and His words. He said in Matthew 7:24-27 – “Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.” A marriage built or maintained on any foundation other than the Word of Jesus Christ, is doomed to failure. The probability is that either it will end, in the fiery crash of divorce, or it will be consigned to the rust heap of a practical living arrangement, held together by financial needs and habit. It happens all the time. It starts out so good, but ends up so bad! She goes to bed on her wedding night with a knight in shining armor; but wakes ten years later with Mr. Unsympathetic, Mr. Cranky, Mr. Lazy, Mr. Preoccupied, Mr. Uncompromising, or Mr. Workaholic. He goes to bed with a submissive, doting, romantic maiden; but wakes fifteen years later with Mrs. Cold Shoulder, Mrs. Demanding, Mrs. Nagging, Mrs. Critical, or Mrs. Spendalot. Both thought marriage would be perfect, the fulfillment of all of their longings. But reality came in the grind of everyday life. And without the solid foundation of God’s Word, their commitment to each other was crushed to powder. I’m reminded of Garrison Kellior’s Lake Wobegon. The main character, John Tollefson, leaves Minnesota, moves to New York, and makes a life for himself far from Lake Wobegon. One day, John calls home and tells his parents about something his girlfriend had said. A pearl of wisdom, if we would have it… "There's no such thing as a successful marriage. There are marriages that give up, and marriages that keep on trying; that's the only difference." - Citation: Garrison Keillor, Wobegon Boy (Penguin USA, 1998), p. 142; submitted by Rubel Shelly; Nashville, Tennessee

A good marriage doesn’t ‘just happen’. It begins with realistic expectations and an understanding of what makes a good marriage. It begins with building on the Word of God and maintaining the structure on that same Word. Right now, we must rid ourselves of fairytale expectations, and build instead on God’s foundation. That foundation is this book – the Bible – the Word of God. And if we look to it with prayerful expectation, and live according to its teachings, we can have a lasting, thriving marriage. ______________

This month I hope to share some things from God’s Word that will help you build your marriage; and believe me, that is important for all of us. Everyone here has a stake in marriage succeeding, because we are all invested in it. If you are married, you have a stake in it. If you are not, it still matters to you because you may have a friend, a co-worker, or a family member with a troubled marriage – maybe even ready to divorce. Worse yet, your parents may be ready to throw in the towel. We want to help. Tell your friends, your family, your parents, and your co-workers. Tell them to come and invest in their marriage this month. And you be here too, prepared to listen, take notes, ask questions, and apply what you learn to your life, Throughout this month, we will be offering suggestions and resources to help you build a godly marriage. Utilize these resources, and most importantly, seek the help and counsel if you need it. So, let us begin today by going back to the beginning. Turn in your Bibles with me to Genesis chapter 2:18-24 as we see God’s Marriage Blueprint. “And the LORD God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. In the narration of the very first wedding ceremony, God pronounced the man and the woman to be one. Listen, this is also God’s Commitment Plan for your marriage. There are some who would ask, “But didn’t God sanction divorce in the Mosaic Law?” Yes, He did. And on the surface, it seems like a terrible contradiction. In fact, it seemed rather easy for a man to rid himself of a wife. Deuteronomy 24:1 says, “When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes,

because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.” Throughout the centuries, Israelite men used this command to justify easy divorce. But the command was never meant to be used in that way. The Law did make allowance for divorce. But it was for the woman’s protection, not the man’s convenience. We know this is true for two reasons: First, because God allowed the woman that had been divorced to remarry without the shame and the penalty of adultery. Verse 2 says, “And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife.” Second, in this culture women were often regarded as slightly more than property, and God knew that the Jewish men would be hard-hearted and cruel, willing to do anything to rid themselves of an unfavorable wife. To make the allowance for divorce was to protect the woman from physical abuse and maybe even death. The bill of divorcement set her free to remarry, and in a culture in which a woman could not survive without a man, this was essential. With the bill of divorcement in hand, she was free from liability, and another man could marry her without any penalty. The bill was for HER protection. To assume that this was God’s way of endorsing divorce or catering to men’s whims, is a gross misunderstanding of the Almighty and His design for our relationships. Jesus destroyed the notion of easy divorce when He was confronted by the religious leaders who were abusing the Law for such means. Notice the exchange between them recorded in Mark 10:1-12 – “And he arose from thence, and cometh into the coasts of Judaea by the farther side of Jordan: and the people resort unto him again; and, as he was wont, he taught them again.” “And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife’? tempting him. And he answered and said unto them, ‘What did Moses command you’? And they said, ‘Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away’.” “And Jesus answered and said unto them, ‘For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder’.” And in the house, his disciples asked him again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, ‘Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery’.”

Yes, God made provision for divorce, but it was because the men of Israel had hard hearts, and there needed to be a provision of protection for the women. However, Jesus makes it clear that God’s blueprint for marriage is based on lifelong commitment of practical care and love for each other. And with that, we have a good foundation for building a great marriage! Walter Wangerin Jr. writes, “… the fact that a spouse is termed a "helper" declares marriage was never an end in itself, but a preparation. We've accomplished no great thing, yet, in getting married. We haven’t completed a relationship (though many a fool assumes that the hard work's done with the wedding and turns attention to other interests). Rather, we've established the terms by which we now will go to work. And ‘going to work’ means we start with this realistic, practical foundation of commitment and begin day-by-day to build a loving home. How do we do it? The answer is in the Genesis text. Here we see three principles God gives for a good marriage. Principle #1 – Marriage Creates a New Primary Affection – Verse 24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,” Many marriages suffer because one or both people have not given their spouse their primary affection and allegiance. Rather than working through decisions and difficulties with each other, the resort to mom and dad. But when we marry, we enter a new relationship that God intends to be the primary connection in our lives. We must commit to a new emotional bond that takes priority over every other human relationship. Your spouse must take priority over your mom & dad, your brothers & sisters, your co-workers, and your shopping companions or ball-buddies. Notice God uses the word, “leave”. In the original Hebrew language, the word is AZAB, meaning “to loosen, relinquish, forsake. The idea is not so much that of a physical departure as an emotional one. It’s cutting loose dependence from parents and others and connecting with your spouse for fulfillment of the needs that God created marriage to fulfill. When a man marries a woman, she must become his top relationship priority – not mom and dad – but his wife. Likewise, the wife must look to her husband for answers, and when there are difficulties, they must first look to each other, not their parents. This critical transfer must take place. Your spouse’s emotional and physical needs must come before the rest of your family. Principle #2 – Marriage Creates a New Personal Union - Verse 24 – “…and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” God has ordained that the marriage union be emotional, spiritual, and physical. The marriage bed creates that intimate physical union that God says is Oneness. This is why

sexual sin is so heinous. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians that when a man has relations with a harlot, he becomes one with her. It is that sexual union that he speaks of, that is supposed to be reserved for your spouse, and no other. God expects fidelity in marriage. We need to beware of adultery. And adultery can happen in various ways. There is, of course the obvious – physical adultery. But there is also emotional adultery, in which a person shares marital emotional intimacy with someone other than his or her spouse. There is that form of adultery that Jesus spoke of, when a man looks upon a woman with lust, thus committing mental adultery. It can be a woman walking by, or a picture from a book or an internet screen. God wants every married man and woman to preserve and protect their marriage union from intrusion by any form of sexual sin. But as important as this union and unity is, it is not the only way in which the two become one. There is also the uniting of resources. When two marry, each gives themselves and all that belongs to them to the other person to share. I strongly believe that God intends two people that marry to unite in every way, including finances. The marriage union is one of partnership and trust; and two become one in every way. I believe that a couple should combine their finances and manage them together. I have seen situations in which there are separate incomes, separate checking accounts, and separate bill paying responsibilities, and you know what… it only promotes disunity, jealousy, and suspicion. God created marriage to be a uniting of two people. They unite physically and produce new life. They unite materially to sustain life. Two become one. Your spouse becomes an integral part of you. Together you make a whole. This is the intent of God in the marriage union. The Hebrew word used to describe this union refers to a permanent relationship. The word “cling” is the Hebrew word “dabaq”, which means to “hold fast”. It’s the same word Moses used in Deut. 11:22 when he commanded the people to cleave unto the Lord. Notice now the last part of verse 24. Its says “they shall be one flesh” – this phrase literally means “they shall be united person”. When two people marry they become one in their identity, and yet they keep their individuality. But understand this today, the bond between husband and wife is not complete without the presence of God in the union. If you want a great marriage, God must to be central in your lives. You must be in union with the Lord Jesus Christ. Catherine Paxton likens a good marriage to braided hair. “A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two

could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. Herein lays the mystery: What looks like two strands require a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strands tightly woven. In a Christian marriage, God's presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds a husband and wife together. God created marriage to be a union of three – the man and the woman, united as one, in a relationship with him. How important is this concept? It is crucial, because no husband and no wife can ever fill the place in the heart that God created for himself. Principle #3 – Marriage Creates a New Partnered Submission – Verse 25 – “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Fred Lowery, in Covenant Marriage, writes that marriage is… “…the singularly spectacular gift of giving yourself totally to another person. ...Each individual surrenders completely in loving trust to the other person. Two become one. Both spouses sacrifice their own desires in order to fulfill the desires of their mate… When you are (married) you have to talk when you don’t want to talk, listen when you don’t want to listen, love when you don’t want to love, even stay when you want to leave. The price is high – but that’s the cost… and the return on the investment is well worth it.” I believe that part of God’s plan for marriage (and kid’s for that matter) is to rid us of selfishness. I remember when Tonyia and I were first married, I struggled with this. The stuff I had was mine, and it was hard for me to share. It was hard to submit my income to the good of the marriage. It was equally hard to submit my free time to the interest of the union. But marriage teaches you to submit to each other. Now, I know we men love to hear Ephesians 5:22, which says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands…” But easily overlook the previous verse (21) which says, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” God created marriage as a partnership in which each person must become vulnerable to each other. Notice that both Adam and Eve were naked – yet they were not ashamed. Isn’t it interesting that the first couple is not preoccupied with judging each other’s appearance? They are naked, but unashamed. They are at perfect ease and comfort in each other’s presence. There is no self-protection, only openness. They have given themselves to one another in perfect love. This is the picture-perfect marriage. CONCLUSION I have a question for you… How many of you carried your wife over the threshold on your honeymoon? Why did you do that? Tradition, right? Do you know where that came from? Blame the Romans… they believed that good and evil spirits fought for control at a home's entrance. For good to prevail, Romans felt you must enter a room with your right foot first. Romans concluded that a new bride in a highly emotional state might be careless

and forget about the "right foot" stuff. To prevent possible tragedy, they decided it best for the groom to carry his bride. - * Marriage Partnership, Spring 1992, p. 84 Listen men, I realize that the Romans were practicing a pagan ritual, but there is a kernel of truth to be had. Satan, the Bible says, walks about like a roaring lion, looking to devour us. There is no doubt he wants to destroy the church. But how to do that? One sure way to destroy a church… destroy the families that make up the church. How to do that? Destroy the mom and dad – the married couple that head the family. Bingo! Destroy a marriage, and destroy the church – Christ’s very Bride! Yes, Satan does stand at the threshold of our homes, waiting to attack and destroy our marriages. That is why we must build our lives and our marriages on the Rock – Jesus Christ; and that begins with both partners having a personal relationship with Him. Do you have that? Stick with us this month and we will give you some tools to improve and protect your marriage. May God bless – see you tonight!