First Contact Part Three Chapter32

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO CLASH OF THE TITANS *** ‘ABOARD!’ Emperor Koth bellowed. ‘TO BE CAPTURING OF THE IRON WHALE! TO WORK YOU PIG-DOGS! TO WORK!’ Koth watched as his minions swarmed onto the iron whale and set about the sparse monkey-things that were already aboard. How stupid apes could have captured one of the mighty beasts, Koth couldn’t understand, but it did not matter. His loyal soldiers would take care of them. ‘Good evening!’ Koth snarled. One of the monkey-things was trying to talk to him. It clearly did not know who he was. He was far above communicating with filth like them. ‘I wasn’t talking to myself,’ the monkey thing said sharply. ‘So, since we both speak the same language, you can look at me and communicate. I don’t like being ignored.’ ‘I AM EMPEROR KOTH!’ Koth screamed. ‘I do NOT talk to simpleton apes like you!’ The monkey-thing raised an eyebrow and reached into its red pelt. ‘That’s a shame,’ it said. ‘I was rather hoping we could have a chat.’ Koth ignored it. Koth had better things to be taking care of. ‘Not in a talkative mood?’ The monkey-think asked, its yellow head-fur billowing in the wind. ‘Fair enough. Then I’ll do the talking for both of us.’ ‘You will be silent!’ Koth shouted. ‘Afraid not,’ the monkey-thing retorted. ‘You see, you’re obviously trying to capture this ship for yourself, and that’s a problem.’ ‘You do not own iron whale!’ Koth screeched. ‘I own iron whale now! Your problem! Not mine!’ ‘Well, I rather think it’s a problem for both of us … Koth, is it? Your name?’ ‘Emperor Koth! And how DARE you address me!’ ‘Very easily,’ the monkey-thing shrugged sternly. ‘Because I think you should know that the little bump you gave the … the iron whale has put a rather sizeable hole in the side. So, as you might imagine, like if somebody were to put a hole in your side, Emperor, you wouldn’t do too well from then-on, would you?’ ‘Are you threatening me?’ Koth cried. ‘An example, nothing more,’ the monkey-thing said. ‘I haven’t gotten to the threat part of this conversation yet. But if you’d like to speed things along, then that’s fine by me.’ The monkey thing pulled a large metal thing from his pelt and aimed it at Koth. He had seen similar things before. The boom-boom-sticks that the monkey-things carried. ‘I’m giving you a choice, Emperor Koth,’ the monkey thing said as it was joined by two more of its kind. Another male and a female. Koth hissed at them. ‘Get back on your iceberg; take your soldiers and leave. I’m not playing around. As a delegate of the Video Lords of Betamax, I’m ordering you to withdraw without hesitation and without argument. There will be no negotiations because right now, I don’t have time to deal with all the problems in my life and you all at once. This ship is going to sink, you’ve seen to that, nobody’s going to own it.’ ‘YOU LIE!’ ‘Try me,’ the monkey-thing shouted, pointing the boom-boom-stick directly at Koth’s head. The female gave a whimper of alarm, typical weak behaviour that Koth expected. Koth was not afraid of death. Koth was not going to be bossed around by a lower being. He had more minions. He would take this iron whale. He would not listen to the monkeything’s lies. ‘The iron whale is mine!’ Koth bellowed. ‘MINE! MINE! MINE!’ ‘You’re making this very difficult,’ the monkey-thing said. ‘I warned you, I gave you a chance. Don’t think that I enjoy doing this,’ it sighed, and pulled the trigger.

*** ‘Holy-shit-balls!’ Red exclaimed as the gigantic monsters loomed over The Mercury Rooms. ‘By all the gods,’ Totoro gasped, his mouth hanging open in awe. ‘What the hell are they?’ Steffman asked quietly, flames licking in the palms of his hands. ‘They’re here to destroy ALLUC,’ Elion replied. ‘Duh.’ ‘I can see that!’ Steffman frowned. ‘I didn’t ask why they were here, did I? I asked what they were.’ ‘Does it matter?’ Beakedbard cried, quickly rolling a joint. ‘They’re going to kill us! It really doesn’t make a difference what they are or where they come from.’ ‘Oh, you are so very wrong there,’ Freaka-chu said, shaking his head. ‘It matters more than anything else!’ Elion frowned. ‘How does it matter? At all?’ ‘Because,’ Freaka-chu said, fishing in his pockets. ‘To know your enemy is to know their weak points.’ ‘They’re gigantic monsters!’ Danny cried. ‘Do gigantic monsters have weak spots?’ ‘How did they kill Godzilla in the movies?’ Will-ko pondered. ‘I don’t quite remember what they did to Godzilla,’ Arina said, striding down the Index Section with Angelus and another man in tow. ‘But I think our friend here might have a solution,’ Arina grabbed the other man by the upper arm and wheeled him forwards. Duffy nursed his arm ruefully before taking the large nuclear bomb from his coat. ‘Thought you could use this,’ he said hopefully. ‘Clearly it’s no use to me anymore.’ ‘Good god!’ Wish exclaimed. ‘You guys are packing nukes here?’ ‘Not enough to be of any use,’ Jeebus said, chewing on his lip. ‘They’ve got little application in the war against the flying menaces. They all fly off before you can get far enough away yourself to press the button.’ ‘This is neither the time nor the place for that,’ Jason scowled. ‘We need some sort of plan.’ Freaka-chu took the bomb from Duffy and examined it closely. He turned it over in his hands a few times and then tossed it back. ‘We need better options,’ he tutted. ‘No nuke?’ Elmo asked, almost disappointed. ‘No nuke,’ Freaka-chu said. ‘Not yet. I’d rather not have to destroy ALLUC to destroy these creatures. That would defy the point slightly, wouldn’t you agree?’ ‘I told you that on the way over,’ Angelus said to Arina quietly. ‘I told you even Freakachu wouldn’t be able to use it safely.’ ‘Nobody could use that thing safely,’ Freaka-chu said sourly. ‘I’ve had my fill of weapons of mass destruction for one lifetime … I’ve had enough of them for all my lives and moreso to be honest. Weapons get you nowhere good. There has to be another way … there’s got to be …’ *** ‘DR.! NO!’ Jayne shouted, batting the Dr.’s arm so the plasma bullet flew off into the night sky like a fiery flair. The Dr. glared at her angrily, his teeth clenched, eyes seething. Jayne batted him on the chest and glared right back. ‘Stop killing things, Dr.!’ she shouted. ‘It doesn’t always have to be this way!’ ‘Nobody else plays by the rules Watson,’ he shouted. ‘Nobody! Not one stinking bastard in this universe ever considers playing fair so I’m dammed if I’m going to keep doing it!’ ‘But, if you don’t,’ Jayne said angrily. ‘Then what makes you any different from them?’ ‘I give them a choice about it,’ The Dr. retorted, breathing heavily. ‘Now, let me do my job!’ ‘But that’s just it,’ Dodge said quietly. ‘It’s not your job, mate. You’re destroying yourself with all this killing.’

‘So, you’re ganging up on me now too?’ The Dr. nodded bitterly. ‘I don’t do it because I enjoy it! I don’t do it to win easily and get on with my day! The Universe will be a much safer and better place without these individuals in it. Time and time again we keep coming back to the same enemies. The Darlin’s, The Cidermen, The Odd, Sultanas, Croutons, De-Icer Warriors, Psygoats and each time, I’m supposed to let them go, give them another chance to kill innocent people all over again? Tell me how that’s fair at all? ‘If the cost of making the Universe safe is my soul, then so be it. I died last time because I was too preoccupied with playing fair being holier-than-thou. I died and you had to see it … you had to watch because I played fair … I won’t let that happen again …’ The Dr. glared at his assistants and then back at the iceberg where the Emperor Penguin and his minions had now formed into an angry-look mass of black and white fury. ‘And now, my monologuing has given them the chance to regroup,’ The Dr. sighed. ‘Perfect.’ ‘Don’t you dare,’ Jayne hissed, hitting The Dr. again. ‘What?’ ‘Don’t you DARE try to tell me that you go around waving that gun because you’re trying to protect my feelings, Dr.! Don’t you dare! How the hell can you stand there and make this my fault?’ ‘I didn’t.’ ‘Oh yes you did! You’re saying you’re body-count’s gone through the roof because of me … don’t you dare put this on my conscience … take it back! Take it back right now. Your soul is your own to destroy, leave mine out of it … and while you’re at it, fix this properly like you should be doing. As The Dr.! The man that I respected and cared for, because right now, you’re not that man any more.’ ‘That a fact?’ The Dr.’s eyes narrowed. ‘It is.’ ‘Well then,’ The Dr. shrugged, putting away the plasma cannon. ‘I’ll find another way.’ *** The group that had assembled ran for cover as debris rained down from the sky. The giant fox has smashed its way through one of the towers and was now using what remained of it to batter the dome of the Anime section. The other Titans were similarly going about their business of tearing apart the very fabric of The Mercury Rooms. When they uncovered link sections, they immediately snatched the Link cubes and ate them with satisfied snarls. Somewhere, Vix Vulpi and the other Video Makers were laughing. ‘I bet that’s going to be pricey to replace,’ Guy Garner commented as the Anime dome finally caved in. ‘If we live long enough to replace it,’ Asphyxia said, wiping down his jacket where he had spilt his drink all down himself again. ‘TRUE,’ Mooney nodded. ‘BUT IT WILL COST NOTHING TO REPLACE, EVERYTHING HERE IS DIGITAL, IT CAN EASILY BE REBUILT IN TIME.’ ‘OH!’ Freaka-chu said, clasping a hand to his forehead. ‘OH YES! Oh, Mooney, Mooney, you beautiful … thing! I could kiss you! I really could … but … no … not … oh but you’re brilliant you are!’ ‘WELL,’ Mooney said bashfully. ‘I AM RATHER AMAZING, IT’S TRUE.’ ‘What has he said that has given you such renewed enthusiasm?’ Manhunter asked quizzically. ‘DIGITAL!’ Freaka-chu declared. ‘We’re on the Internet! Oh crikey! I can be such an idiot! I’m thick! Old and thick! That’s what I am!’ ‘Tell me about it,’ Elion huffed. ‘Jazz agrees,’ Jazz nodded. ‘Jazz considers you to be quite a superior class of idiot. Jazz would consider you a candidate for the Cancer Ray if you were not currently trying to help save Jazz’s life … Jazz will take it into account when your trial comes.’ ‘Duly noted,’ Freaka-chu nodded, not really listening. ‘Might have to take a rain check though if you don’t mind.’

‘We have a plan?’ Arina asked hopefully. ‘Oh yes!’ Freaka-chu said, diving into the RETARDIS. ‘Would you mind sharing it with us at all?’ The Rooster that had hatched from the eggshaped stasis pod that called itself CooCooKaJoo shouted after the Video Lord as he disappeared into the bowls of the craft. Freaka-chu didn’t reply. The only rounds that came in response were a few muffled curses, bangs and crashes as the Video Lord ransacked one of the back rooms. ‘Oi!’ CAD shouted into the machine. ‘If it helps at all, I’ve got Limited Wrath. It might be useful.’ ‘I highly doubt it,’ Skelifish said, rolling his eyes. ‘Well, maybe I can magic them away,’ Will-ko said, grasping his make-shift wand. ‘Send them to the Rick Astley room.’ ‘That’s been deleted now,’ Welshy said. ‘So the link wouldn’t work.’ ‘Damn,’ Will-ko frowned. ‘Thought that was a pretty good idea too.’ ‘It was,’ Jason nodded. ‘Would have been brilliant a couple of hours ago … now though … not so much.’ ‘Well,’ Pun shrugged.’ Anybody else regretting joining The Mercury Rooms?’ ‘COME ON FREAKA-CHU!’ Red shouted into the RETARDIS. ‘What are you planning?’ ‘Something so utterly simple …’ Freaka-chu said suddenly reappearing and tossing a large odd-looking device out of the RETARDIS that trailed cables back to the main console. ‘That I should probably kick myself for not thinking about it earlier …’ ‘I’ll help with that,’ Elion offered. ‘WHAT IS IT?’ CooCooKaJoo clucked angrily. ‘What’s your plan?’ Freaka-chu smiled as he set to work on the device with his Bionic Screwdriver. ‘Oh, just a little bit of restructuring,’ he grinned. *** ‘Your talky-talky time is over!’ Emperor Koth screeched. ‘Time for blasty-blasty now! You will surrender monkey-man! This Iron Whale belongs to me now!’ ‘This iron whale is going to the bottom of the ocean,’ The Dr. said calmly. ‘It’s neither use nor ornament to anybody now.’ ‘I say,’ a brash man with a large moustache exclaimed as he staggered out of the bar and wandered past them, his back to the penguins, brandy in hand. ‘Did you say, sink old boy? Haven’t you heard this ship is unsinkable?’ ‘Yes, good luck with that bit,’ The Dr. said bitterly as the fat man disappeared back into the ship. ‘I really do hate the early nineteen hundreds,’ The Dr. sighed, turning his attention back to the penguin army that was still coming over from the iceberg. ‘Seriously, you’re better off getting back on your ice ship and finding another iron whale, this one will soon be decorating the bottom of the Atlantic. You’ve caused a lot of trouble around here. I hope you realize that. Your actions have condemned a sizeable number of people to their deaths … thinking about it … you really need to answer for that.’ ‘I answer to no monkey!’ Emperor Koth screeched. ‘This is my iron whale now! My minions will kill all of you monkeys and then we shall kill other monkeys on other iron whales! I will not stop until all of the iron fish belong to me! I cannot be stopped!’ ‘I’m very sorry to hear that,’ The Dr. said grimly, pulling out his Bionic Screwdriver. Because now I do have to stop you … not quite sure how … but I’ll stop you, trust me on that.’ ‘You will not live long enough to stop anything!’ Emperor Koth seethed. ‘My minions will see to that.’ ‘Got a good plan yet, Doc?’ Dodge asked quietly, shuffling awkwardly on his bare feet. ‘Or should we get running?’ ‘Well,’ The Dr. shrugged. ‘A bit of running will do us all good.’ ‘Awe,’ Dodge said grumpily. ‘I’m tired of running.’ ‘Occupational hazard,’ The Dr. replied. ‘We need to find the RETARDIS first.’ ‘It’s missing?’ Jayne exclaimed, looking over to the alcove where it had been parked. ‘It didn’t go overboard did it? Tell me it didn’t go overboard.’

‘Can’t say anything for certain,’ The Dr. said, taking out his scanner. ‘But it’s pretty easy to find out where they took it.’ ‘Where who took it?’ Dodge frowned. ‘I feel like I just turned over two pages at once here.’ ‘Normality has been restored then,’ The Dr. smiled. ‘I’ll explain as we go … though not too much because you know I hate to talk when we run and I’m still working on that plan …’ The Dr.’s words were cut short as a loud bang echoed all around them. A gunshot that sent the seagulls into the air in a wave of panic and made the penguins squawk in alarm. Emperor Koth fell to the deck with a sizeable hole in his head. ‘Well then,’ Roxanne said, putting the revolver back into the bag that her man-servant McKellion was holding for her as she stepped between Jayne and The Dr. ‘It seems that men everywhere are useless … that’s the second time this week I’ve had to take matters into my own hands. It simply won’t do.’ She narrowed her eyes at The Dr. ‘You said this ship was going to sink, am I right?’ ‘We’ve got bigger issues than that right now,’ Dodge said, licking his lips and pointed at the penguins who had plucked the silver crown from Koth’s head and were glaring menacingly at the small group, brandishing a large array of painful-looking weapons. ‘They don’t seem too happy.’ ‘Though I should take a moment to thank the good lady,’ The Dr. said briskly. ‘You’ve saved me the trouble of coming up with a solution to the problem of Koth … of course you’ve potentially made everything just that teeny, tiny bit worse, but whoever said that life was worth living when it was boring? Now, if you don’t mind everybody, we’ve got a pressing matter to attend to.’ ‘Run time?’ Jayne asked. ‘Just a bit,’ The Dr. nodded curtly checking the scanner that had started to bleep annoyingly before taking off down the deck as the ship lurched violently, beginning its inevitable final voyage. *** ‘Look at them!’ Freaka-chu said as though he was giving a lecture to a group of students. ‘What can you tell me about the Titans? Anybody?’ ‘They’re really big!’ Steffman said. ‘Massive,’ Pun added. ‘Aside from their size,’ Freaka-chu chided them as he set about making adjustments to the device he had brought from the RETARDIS’ bowls. ‘They’re all symbols of the major studios,’ Manhunter said. ‘The Twentieth Century Fox, Warner Brothers, the MGM Lion, the Pixar Lamp, the Pathe Chicken and the Paramount Mountain.’ ‘Thank god Universal hasn’t decided to pitch in,’ Elion puffed. ‘Don’t fancy a planet coming for us.’ ‘No, no, no,’ Freaka-chu said sharply. ‘Come on now people, think about it! You can’t seriously think that those things are real!’ ‘But they’re smashing the Mercury Rooms apart!’ Arina frowned. ‘Of course they’re real.’ ‘They’re smashing apart the Mercury Rooms … which exist on the Internet only … they exist here because …? Anybody?’ ‘They’re all digital,’ Red nodded. ‘All of them are digital, that’s what you’re saying!’ ‘YEP!’ Freaka-chu said, jamming his Bionic Screwdriver into the machine’s workings. ‘And making those creatures must take a huge amount of power … massive amounts. The Video Makers have taken a gamble here.’ ‘But surely it doesn’t matter if they’re digital or not,’ Skelifish growled. ‘They can still kill us pretty easily!’ ‘Too true,’ Freaka-chu nodded. ‘But the thing about digital data,’ he said, picking up the device, which resembled a large, chunky cannon. ‘The one thing about digitized information. About Pixels and emails and files and programmes is … … … nobody seeing where I’m going with this?’ ‘They can be deleted!’ Jazz shouted.

‘Close, but no,’ Freaka-chu shrugged. ‘The thing about them is,’ he said, gritting his teeth as the huge cannon hissed and shot out a huge beam of light, enveloping the Titans completely in its wake. The machine jarred and whirred as it drew the beam back in. It spat sparks and hissed smoke, causing Freaka-chu to hastily put it down and back away. ‘You can store them,’ Danny nodded thoughtfully. ‘Nice work … I didn’t see that one coming.’ ‘Gotta catch ‘em all,’ Will-ko nodded thoughtfully. ‘Well, actually, no,’ Freaka-chu said, scratching the back of his neck. ‘I couldn’t find anything big enough to store them … they were just too huge.’ ‘Then what did you do?’ Vash asked plainly, sheathing his swords. ‘Well, that depends how you look at the situation really,’ Freaka-chu puffed. ‘I mean, if you want it literally, and by literally, I mean, straight out with it, no nonsense appraisal of events, then what I actually did was … simply … process them … slightly … sort-of … kinda … a bit …’ ‘Process them how?’ CooCooKaJoo flapped. ‘Well, here’s the bit where everybody needs to be either running or getting ready to fight, because I couldn’t store them, or delete them … but I could however …’ The machine sprang to life, cutting Freaka-chu off and once again the white beam of light filled the Index section, when it died away, the members were left staring once again at the ferocity that was The Titans. Except now, where once they had been over a hundred feet tall each, they were now closer to fifteen feet. ‘You resized them,’ Gmac breathed. ‘You just resized them. Do it again, make them even smaller!’ ‘I’d love to,’ Freaka-chu said, picking up the machine that spat another flurry of sparks and then fell apart, some of the pieces catching fie as they dropped out of his hands. ‘But this could make it a little trickier.’ ‘Y’know,’ Elion frowned. ‘Goddamit Freaka-chu! … You can be really useful and then you can be really useless … I really can’t decide which of those times this is.’ ‘Try to decide when the time is more appropriate,’ Totoro said. ‘We may still be in danger, but we can agree, I’m certain, that defeat is now not for certain.’ ‘Good man,’ Freaka-chu nodded appreciatively. ‘I like a bit of optimism, now, if you’ll bear with me,’ he said, marching forward to stand between the group and the reduced Titans. ‘I am The Dr.!’ He shouted at them. ‘Representative of the Video Lords of Betamax! You and your masters have no authority here as long as I exist. Your actions here are illegal and against multiple sections set down in the Shade Convention Treaty. You are to withdraw and return to your place of origin, never to return here … is that clear?’ The Twentieth Century Fox cocked its head to one side, snarled, showing its hackles and then roared at Freaka-chu dousing him liberally with spittle. ‘I see,’ Freaka-chu nodded as the creature swiped at him with its still rather sizeable paw. ‘Plan B it is then.’ ‘And what’s plan B?’ Elion shouted. ‘Divide and conquer!’ Freaka-chu said, taking out his Bionic Screwdriver and aiming at the Fox. ‘Take your pick! Gang up and take them down.’ ‘I wan the chicken,’ Jeebus said, cocking his rifle. ‘It’s near enough a pigeon if ever I saw one.’ ‘Any ideas on how we get rid of them?’ Will-ko asked, brandishing his pen-wand. ‘Any ideas on how to make whatever answer you give really easy to carry out?’ Beakedbard asked, taking out his Zap-Gun. ‘I’m working on it!’ Freaka-chu called as he bated the Fox to follow him into the Off-Topic Section. ‘Think of something then!’ Red shouted. ‘I am!’ Freaka-chu said, diving to one side of the courtyard as the Fox made a grab for him with its jaws. ‘I’m thinking of millions of things … none of them are really relevant right now though …’ the door slid shut, blocking him from view while the other Titans stared down at the Allucians.

‘I think this is the part where we’re all supposed to run,’ CAD said quietly. ‘I think he’s got a good point,’ Skelifish nodded, grasping his scythe. ‘Run away?’ Elmo asked. Most of the group nodded. ‘Hang on,’ Roxy said suddenly with a fierce smile. ‘Stay where you are boys-’ ‘And girls,’ Arina said sourly, with Aries close behind her. ‘You too,’ Roxy grinned, producing a silver tiara from her bag as she stared down the Titans. ‘You really don’t know who you’re dealing with, do you?’ *** ‘Come on! Coming through! Excuse me! Pardon! Watch out!’ the Dr. shouted randomly as he ducked and weaved through the mass of people that had flooded out onto the top deck. Word that the ship was going down had spread and now the call to get to the lifeboats had been given. There was pandemonium. The Dr. had Jayne’s wrist in one hand, while holding the scanner aloft with the other. It bleeped away madly to itself as they traversed the sea of terrified passengers. ‘How is it?’ The Dr. snapped. ‘That the slowest people seem to take up the most room?!’ A rather large woman looked over at him indignantly and shot him a menacing glare. ‘Same to you misses,’ The Dr. bellowed as they came to a door that led below deck. The opening had been covered by a large gate, and on the other side, the lower class passengers were shouting to be allowed out. ‘Monsters,’ The Dr. said, producing his Bionic Screwdriver and pointing it at the lock which erupted in a shower of sparks and swung open. The passengers rushed forward to escape but were blocked by The Dr.’s hand. ‘HANG ON NOW! He cried. ‘You want to come up! We want to go down; all of you get to one side of the stairs and let us through!’ There was a lot of shouting and swearing but soon there was a clear path down the stairs and The Dr. threw the gate open. ‘Watch out for the penguins though,’ he said as he flew down the stairs with Jayne. Dodge, Roxanne and McKellion followed and, as they well expected, the penguins were not far behind them. The cawing mass of black and white surged over the passengers making their way up to the deck, all of them emitting shrieks and wails as they brandished their flippers and weapons angrily at their target’s retreating forms. The Dr. held the scanner up in front of him as they weaved their way through the ship’s interior. ‘Whoever knocked me out must have moved the RETARDIS in the hopes that I’d get stuck here and drown,’ The Dr. said as they ran. ‘But anybody that knows me would realize that I can’t die from drowning .. well … not all together. I mean, of course I’ll die but I’ve got another ten lives! If needs be, I can wait until I get excavated with the rest of the ship before I Degenerate again.’ ‘Maybe they weren’t thinking of killing you,’ Jayne said in a hurt tone. ‘Or aren’t we important enough?’ ‘Come off it!’ Dodge barked. ‘Who’d want to kill me or you, Watson?’ ‘I dunno,’ The Dr. said, glancing over his shoulder where Roxy and McKellion were keeping pace. ‘You have your moments.’ The Dr. suddenly stopped and twirled around with the scanner. FILLOO … FILLOO … FILLOO … FILLOO … FILLOO … the device whistled. ‘We’re there,’ The Dr. said, barging his way through a hatch and into a large, round metal room. The floor had slowly begun to angle itself downwards and the party were struggling to keep their balance as the Titanic began to tilt. But there, sat in the centre of the floor, was a red post box, gleaming in its magnificence. Screams and shouts echoed all around them, carried into the room through its open skyline way above them. ‘Oh, very nice,’ The Dr. said in appreciation as he hurried towards the machine and fumbled in his pocket for the key. ‘I’d have never have thought to look for it here,’ he said as he pulled masses of useless trinkets from his pockets. ‘What is this place?’ Dodge asked. ‘Where are we?’

‘The Titanic had four giant funnels,’ The Dr. explained as he finally extracted the key and jammed it firmly into the lock. ‘But, what most people don’t know is that number four wasn’t a funnel at all-’ ‘Dr.,’ Jayne said abruptly. ‘It was just there for decoration,’ The Dr. continued. ‘Dr.!’ ‘There’s something for you to take away with you. You’re standing in the proof.’ ‘DR.!’ ‘Yes, what is it … oh,’ The Dr.’s face fell as he was confronted by the mass of Penguins flooding into the smokestack. ‘What do they want?’ Jayne asked quietly. ‘Well, since miss trigger happy there put a bullet in their Emperor’s head,’ The Dr. left the thought hanging. ‘COME ON THEN!’ McKellion shouted, jumping forward. ‘I’ll rape every single one of you little buggers into oblivion!’ ‘Look, there’s no time for this,’ Roxanne snapped. ‘I’ve followed you down here because I thought you had a hidden boat. Now that I find we’re here to retrieve your … luggage … it seems I’ve got to deal with things once again,’ she tore out the revolver once more and aimed it at one of the penguins who had been edging his way forward. ‘Not another move!’ She said fiercely. The penguin squawked at her long and loud and brandished something metal and shiny at her. Roxanne held up the gun and got ready to fire, but the penguin did not attack her with it. Instead, it laid the item at her feet and then slowly backed away, head bowed. The group looked down at the item. ‘It was the silver crown that Emperor Koth had been wearing. ‘What am I supposed to do with that?’ Roxanne asked, picking up the crown. ‘Is it some kind of trophy?’ ‘I don’t think so,’ The Dr. said, clucking. ‘I think that … since you killed their last leader …’ ‘They want me to be their leader?’ Roxanne frowned. ‘Like their Queen?’ Dodge said, wrinkling his nose. ‘What a jip! I should have shot the bastard. I could do with some minions.’ ‘An honour-based society of penguins that have only the strongest warriors as their leaders. Obviously the strongest warrior is the one capable of seeing off their last leader … interesting … never seen anything like that … these can’t be regular Earth-based animals. Some of them even have left-over energy trails, they travel through worm-holes … how very interesting.’ The ship lurched violently again and then began to roll abruptly to one side. ‘Can we save the lecture for when we’re not about to die?!’ Dodge shouted. ‘Yes, yes, we’ll discuss it later!’ The Dr. said, tearing open the door of the RETARDIS. ‘Everybody inside! Quickly now!’ ‘In there?’ Roxanne gasped. ‘Surely, you must be mad.’ ‘Quite probably,’ The Dr. said as he disappeared inside. ‘Come on if you’re coming, Your Majesty.’ Roxanne looked down at the crown. It was battered and slightly broken in two places around the rim. If she broke it off, it would be more of a tiara than a crown. That would suit her better she thought as she peered inside the small red post box and suddenly wondered how it could be bigger on the inside than on the outside. *** The skies over the Mercury Rooms darkened as Roxy placed the tiara on her head. She glowered triumphantly as thunder rocked across the internet sky and a vast opening appeared overhead. ‘You’re going to wish you’d listened to The Dr.,’ she said menacingly as it began to rain angry penguins.

They dropped from the tear in space and glared angrily at the enemies of their Queen. ‘Sick ‘em boys,’ she said with a satisfied smirk. The penguins roared and charged forwards, followed by the rest of the Allucians who brandished their arsenals, powers and, in McKellion’s case, their penis, at the Titans. ‘AIM FOR THE EYES!’ Jeebus cried as he fired at the Pathe Chicken. ‘The lamp and the mountain don’t have eyes!’ Will-ko replied. ‘THE TESTICLES THEN!’ Jeebus shouted as he ran forwards in the wake of the penguins, dragging Waldo along behind him. ‘I’d point out the serious problems with what he just said,’ Elion commented as he threw his shoulder bag so it struck the MGM Lion in the face. ‘But I don’t think now’s the best time.’ ‘Best mention it to him though,’ Red commented. ‘Just in case he thinks he can take down a mountain by kicking it in the groin.’ ‘Actually,’ Beakedbard said. ‘I’d rather like to see that …’ ‘It’s too bad we can’t just slap Buster’s Badges on these things like we did to his clone army,’ Welshy said grudgingly as he dived out of the way of the Pixar Lamp’s thrashing wire and plug. ‘Then the room would just delete them when it expired.’ ‘That’s what I said before!’ Will-ko protested. ‘HA!’ Elion said, piercing the air with a finger. ‘I’m smarter than Freaka-chu! I’ve got a plan!’ *** ‘Ah-HA!’ The Dr. said triumphantly, handing back the crown to Roxanne. ‘It’s a transdimensional receiver. I was right, they’re not from this world at all.’ ‘Am I to suppose you expect me to understand what you are saying?’ Roxanne asked with a raised eyebrow. ‘You’ll get used to it,’ Dodge chuckled. ‘No, she won’t,’ The Dr. said looking across the hexagonal console at them. ‘This isn’t a cruise ship … now, Mrs Miss … where can I drop you off?’ ‘Well,’ Roxanne said, rather disappointedly. ‘I was heading for New York, but I would much rather stay here … this craft of yours is magnificent.’ ‘Sorry,’ The Dr. said sharply. ‘I don’t have space for your entourage,’ he reached over and yanked the largest of the levers that dotted the console. Nothing happened. ‘What?’ He bellowed, thwacking the console with his fist. Still nothing. ‘No power?!’ He declared as he scrutinized the readout panel. ‘NO POWER? When did that happen? AND WHO MOVED MY CHAIR? And that cabinet was never there before,’ he said, rubbing his chin. Somebody’s been messing with my RETARDIS!’ ‘Who could have done that?’ Jayne frowned. ‘Whoever conked you on the noggin?’ Dodge offered. ‘Most likely,’ The Dr. said, perplexed. ‘But how could they know about the RETARDIS and why would they … … …?’ He trailed off for a few moments while he stood, silently seething. ‘Of course,’ he glowered. ‘I should have guessed.’ ‘What?’ Jayne badgered. ‘Who?’ Dodge asked. ‘… Where?’ Roxy shrugged, feeling left out. ‘NIPPLES!’ McKellion added with a whoop. ‘Of all the inconsiderate … the blind cheek! … The utter, utter … … … bastardness! Oh …’ The Dr. said, taking out his Plasma Cannon. ‘There’s going to be blood at Christmas time …’ Further questions were cut short as the RETARDIS lurched suddenly and began to spin, end over end, causing a storm of furniture, bodies and penguins around the control room until, finally, the room came to a jolting halt. The Dr. ran forwards and threw open the hatchway, water lapping at the edge of the door as he looked out of the vessel that was now floating away from the sinking Titanic.

‘Oh, this is very annoying,’ he commented. ‘Are we going to sink?’ Jayne asked in horror. ‘No, no,’ The Dr. said. ‘Even if there was a danger, we’re shielded from water completely flooding the place … but we’ve got no power at the moment. Even if the batteries start charging themselves now, we can only go to the last place the RETARDIS came from … or thereabouts … give or take a few decades either way. I’ll have to chance it that there’s a power source there …Wherever that is, Miss King I’m afraid I’ll have to drop you and your little squad off and come back for you at a later date when I’m fully recharged. Space is one thing to move, but moving bodies is another matter … there’s simply too many of you to chance another trip once we return this thing to sender.’ ‘How long is that going to take?’ Roxanne demanded. ‘Oh,’ The Dr. said, taking out his pocket watch and examining it. ‘About three or four weeks … Give or take.’ ‘I’ll get the comfy chairs out,’ Jayne moaned. ‘I’ll go get the DVD collection,’ Dodge said with a groan. ‘Well then,’ The Dr. said, clasping his hands behind his back. ‘At least we won’t be bored egh?’ *** ‘Think! Think! Think! Think! Think!’ Freaka-chu shouted to himself, smacking himself on the forehead as he ran away from the Fox which was gradually gaining on him. He could hear its growl as it snapped at his heels and could practically feel the heat of its breath on the back of his neck as it pursued him through the Off-Topic Section. ‘DR.!’ The Martian Manhunter said as he phased through the wall beside Freaka-chu and grabbed hold of the Video Lord. ‘It appears we have a plan.’ ‘A plan?’ Freaka-chu frowned. ‘Who came up with a plan?’ ‘Apparently, Elion did,’ Manhunter replied. ‘Crikey,’ Freaka-chu said as the Martian phased the pair of them back through the wall. ‘It doesn’t feel like Hell’s frozen over.’ The two of them emerged back in the Index Section where the army of Allucians and penguin warriors had battled the Titan Link Eaters back into one of the rooms themselves. The battle was much fiercer in these close quarters as the Titans were backed further and further into the darkened room. The Allucians were gradually backing off, leaving the work to the penguins who were clustering around the creatures with such wild ferocity that it was hard to separate any of the birds from the mass of black and white. ‘I hear you’ve got a plan,’ Freaka-chu said as they approached the mass of Allucians. ‘Yeah!’ Jazz shouted. ‘Jazz considers that you have proven yourself useless! My Cancer Ray awaits!’ ‘Another time, maybe,’ Freaka-chu said, waving his hand dismissively. He observed the Titans at the far end of the thread-room and nodded at the giant doors that had been affixed to the outside. ‘I don’t think I’ve noticed this room before,’ he commented wryly. ‘I think I see where you’re going with this.’ ‘A better plan that you came up with,’ Elion said haughtily. ‘Now, we only need the Fox that was chasing you-’ Elion was tackled to the ground by McKellion as the giant fox, that had been sneaking up silently on the Allucians, lunged forward. The fox skidded into the room, colliding with the mass of penguins and Titans, knocking its fellow destroyers over like skittles. The penguins took their chance and scattered out of he room, climbing over the members as they fled the scene. ‘NOW’ Will-ko shouted as the members gathered around the mighty doors of the room and, with one massive group effort, the doors slammed closed, just as the Titans made it to the threshold. ‘Oooh,’ McKellion said as he stroked Elion’s head. ‘You’re nice and soft.

‘GET OFF ME!’ Elion shouted, throwing the small man off of him and running over to the room’s control panel. ‘Care to do the honours, Mister Hempher?’ Red asked, bringing up the room’s operational schematics. ‘Why, thank you Mister … … … Red,’ Elion said and depressed the large DELETE button in the corner of the panel. There was a brief blip and the entire room disappeared completely. There was a small silence that descended over The Mercury Rooms before the deafening cheer of victory that went up from the Allucians.