Finding Love In A Superficial Age

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Finding Love in a superficial age

Robert Colquhoun

Loveundefiled.blogspot.com 3

London 2009

Love undefiled Copyright 2009 First Edition All rights reserved. Except for quotations, no part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, record, uploading to the Internet, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. Print managed by Transform Management Ltd: PO Box 2178, Caterham, CR3 6ZT [email protected] 4

Love undefiled: The joy of purity Mother Society Seeking help and advice, three young people walked up the hill to the house of Mother Society. They were a little afraid because people said that she was extremely strict and harsh, wanting only the best for all her young people. She opened the door, smiled at the children and waited for them to ask questions. The first one asked, “Mother Society, is it OK to smoke cigarettes?” “Certainly not!” She answered. “Don’t you realise that they are extremely bad for your health? They can cause lung cancer and heart disease. Your lives are too valuable to ruin in this way.”

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“But purrleeezze!” they nagged. “All our friends think that smoking is really cool and they say it gives them a good feeling.” The grand lady became angry and repeated her refusal. “You are quite capable of controlling the desire to smoke. Not only that,” she clarified, “I feel so strongly about protecting you that I’m going to lay heavy fines on anyone caught selling cigarettes to you. I might even take their licences away. They need to understand the dangers involved.” “Some of our friends are addicted already,” said one of the teens worriedly. “We’ll help them to stop,” Mother said caringly. “They can do it with support.” “What about drugs and alcohol?” asked the second one. “No! No! No!” She cried. “You’ll ruin your lives and fry your brains.” 6

“You just don’t want us to have fun,” accused one of the teenagers. “Please, my dear children. Try to understand that I have a duty to protect you,” she begged. “Maybe you’re too young to realize what could happen to you, but I know. I would not forgive myself if you died, or killed someone while drinking and driving, or if you wasted that wonderful potential in all of you.” “But….” One of the teens whimpered, “Sometimes we just need to drink. It helps us relax and have fun.” Obviously concerned, Mother Society told them that they were quite capable of resisting temptation and of having fun without the alcohol. They turned to walk away, heads hanging low, chastised but trying to understand. They sensed that Mother Society really did care about them and so they were prepared to accept her counsel. 7

But all of a sudden, the third teenager called out. “What about sex? Is it okay to have sex?” Mother Society smiled at them and said, “Of course it is, my children. It’s just natural after all.” Reaching for the bowl of condoms near her door she added, “Just make sure you are protected. Here, help yourself.” The young people were excited at first and then a little concerned. “What if we get pregnant?” asked one. “Don’t worry,” she said. “We’ll take care of you. You can always have an abortion if you want, or we’ll give you an allowance to raise the baby.” They nodded their heads in understanding. “What about diseases and AIDS?” questioned another. “Diseases, diseases. Don’t worry your little heads about them. After all, you’ve got protection. Just go out and have a good time.” 8

“We thought you’d tell us to wait,” they said. “Don’t be silly,” she replied. “How could I expect you to control yourselves? Besides, isn’t everybody doing it?” The teenagers thanked Mother Society for her advice and walked slowly back down the hill. They did not say much. They were confused. She just didn’t make sense. What would you do for love? Every single human being is made for love. The call to love is ingrained in each one of us. Mother Theresa said, “Life is not worth living unless it is lived for others.” If we try to live our lives without love we struggle to find meaning and purpose to our existence. Pope John Paul II said, “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not 9

intimately

participate

in

it.”

What would you do for love? Many of us would risk life and limb to experience love. In the aftermath of the Second World War, amid rationing, poverty and reconstruction, one man decided to woo his girl. The only problem was while she lived in southern England, he lived in Poland. In order to get his girl, he drove thousands of miles across the continent on a 50cc scooter. Real men empty themselves for the sake of their princesses. Many people think that living a pure life is the repression of prudish people afraid of giving themselves. Some even think it is harmful rather than beneficial. In reality, living a pure life requires the strength of self-possession, fortitude and temperance. Purity can only be thought of in association with the virtue of love. Chastity, rather than being a negative virtue, seeks to affirm the person in every situation. Only the chaste man and woman are capable of true love. If you are not able to control yourself, you cannot 10

give yourself, for you cannot give what you do not have. Sexual morality is rooted in the way God designed us. Purity is possible, according to Pope John Paul II. It is a requirement of love. Purity is the glory of the human body before God. It is because sex is so beautiful, wonderful and valuable that it is worth saving for marriage. We all deserve nothing less than love and we are called to choose authentic love before sexual pleasure. The opposite of loving someone is not hating but using them. While chastity is a difficult, longterm matter, it is also a sure way to happiness. In the end we will be judged on how we loved. If you are a man, how should you respect a woman? Be her friend, treasure her, respect her, protect her, love her like a sister. The human heart is a battlefield between love and lust. Purity is a spiritual power that frees love from selfishness and aggression. Chastity cannot exist without the capacity to renounce self, to make sacrifices and to wait. Virtue comes from spiritual 11

strength. The man who chooses virginity chooses God. If I am to be completely just to God the Creator, I must offer him all that is in me, my whole being, for he has first claim on all of it. Much of what contemporary society tells us about love is far from the truth. When we settle for half standards, we are forced to pay the consequences. Contemporary trends A government scheme recently provided teenagers with a condom credit card to purchase free condoms and obtain free sex advice and information.1 In today’s cultural climate, in Britain there is on average more than 200,000 abortions a year, 167,000 divorces, 121,000 chlamydia cases and 800,000 children with no contact with their father.2 The average teenager will have experienced up to 480,000 sexual references, images and innuendos by the time he/she finishes school.3

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Despite all this, young people are eager and willing to hear a new message, a call to love different from the “safer sex” mantra. A new sexual revolution is here. Chastity, a long forgotten virtue and word now hardly used in the English language, is making a comeback. Chastity is a call to save sex until marriage and live with your body, mind and soul in harmony. A call to live passionately, without guilt, is deeply embedded in the hearts of every single person. A new way of living, devoid of damaging chemicals, hook ups, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), heartbreak and unwanted pregnancies is here to stay. To live a pure life is the key to lifelong happiness and real freedom. It is a call to live for greatness. The virtue of chastity brings our sexual appetite into harmony with reason, and creates purity in mind, heart and conscience. Purity prepares our souls for the capacity to love. All Christians, whether married or single, are called to the virtue of chastity.4 Jesus tells us in the Sermon on the Mount, “Blessed are the pure in heart, they shall 13

see God.” (Matthew 5:8). No other virtue is so important in order to see God working in our lives and the lives of others. Isn’t everybody doing it? In my life, I have been tempted by the fact that many other people were sexually active. Our media promotes an over-sexualised version of life, giving the impression that it is not possible to go for very long without sex. Gradually, more and more people today are realising the great blessings and advantages of saving sex until marriage. But, even if a large majority of people act in one way, it does not justify that action. The morality of an action depends on intention, circumstances and the object chosen rather than the number of people who agree with you. If your spouse had waited all their life to give themselves to you on your wedding night, would you feel embarrassed or honoured?

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Why should I live a pure life? As training in self-mastery, chastity is a sure way to happiness as it sets you free to love rather than use. Chastity calls us to remember friendship and forget lust. It is a stable foundation for a happy marriage. It brings integration, gratitude and joy, preparing us in faithfulness that is a reflection of God’s fidelity to his covenants. Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati said, “True happiness, dear friends, does not consist in the pleasures of the world or in earthly things, but in peace of conscience, which we have only if we are pure in heart and mind.” Those who wait until marriage to have sex have happier marriages later in life, a source of self respect, clear conscience, less pressure, greater respect from others, the wisdom of how to respect others, better sex in marriage, wisdom in finding the right mate, the clear development of virtues and an ability to find a mate of good character. 5 The sacrifice of resisting temptations is a gift and 15

brings peace. One young writer wrote, “the commandment to wait… promoted the greatest fulfilment in sex by paving the way for trust, emotional satisfaction, joy and passion, unthreatened by mental battles. How good and intelligent the Creator is.”6 Chastity is a fruit of prayer. Prayer helps us to lead a supernatural life, leading us to the fulfilment and happiness of being the people we are called to be. Prayer helps us to bring order and control to our sexuality. If we pray to the Blessed Virgin Mary, we can be confident that no one who had recourse to her help, sought her intercession, implored her help was left forsaken.7 We can build up self-control and strength against sin by going to the Sacrament of reconciliation. How far is too far? Many people ask exactly how far they can go with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they have done something wrong. This kind of mentality is more capable of using rather than loving 16

somebody. To use another person for pleasure is to objectify them. If we were to ask these questions with our own (imaginary) daughter in mind we might find an answer closer to the truth. It is never good to take one of the people you love further away from God for selfish reasons. When we guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and do not stir up love before its time (Song of Songs 3:5), we can be sure that we are following the creator’s plan for us in protecting the wellsprings of life. If you are going to have pre-marital sex, you are going to have to justify how it is in the best interests to have an increased risk or exposure to an unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, single parenthood, abortion, depression, divorce, sterility and poverty - and maybe a broken heart just to top it all off. Fifty five per cent of boys and 72% of girls wished they had waited longer before their first sexual act.

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Sex is OK, isn’t it, as long as you love the other person? Love is not just a feeling, but also a choice. A relationship is healthiest when it is founded on friendship. If you love another person, you are willing to do what is in their best interests and lay your life down for that person. Real men are able to reserve respect for their brides before they have even met them. Real men are willing to treat women like ladies, with dignity and honour. A man and a woman, having demonstrated their love for each other by promising fidelity until death during a wedding, are then ready for sexual intercourse. But isn’t sex natural? God invented sex with the twofold purpose of having babies and bonding with your spouse. He wants us to think about sex. Frank Sheed makes the following observation: 18

“The typical modern man practically never thinks about sex. He dreams of it, of course, by day and by night; he craves for it; he pictures it, is stimulated or depressed by it, slavers over it. But this frothing, steaming activity is not thinking. Slavering is not thinking, picturing is not thinking, craving is not thinking, dreaming is not thinking. Thinking means bringing the power of the mind to bear: thinking about sex means striving to see sex in its innermost reality and in the function it is meant to serve.”8 God made it possible to work with him to bring new people into the world. This was a natural process that he created. This process of being cocreators with God requires that we hold our desires and sexuality in reverence. Outside marriage, sex can distort and damage love, making true friendship harder. Chastity keeps a heart pure and free. The decision to save sex for marriage is actually something that brings inner peace. To wait faithfully and patiently with our bodies for a future spouse is more likely to lead to marital happiness because it prevents our bodies 19

being worn out and our souls dissatisfied before commitment. If you cannot say no to another person, what is your ‘yes’ really worth? Can’t I do whatever I want as long as I don't hurt anybody? The teenage pregnancy unit once said, “It’s your choice and no one else’s when it comes to sex.” The argument follows the premise that it is my body and I have the right to do exactly what I want with it. Provided that I do not hurt anyone else, then what I am doing is fine. These kinds of statements are irresponsible. Research shows that the earlier young people become sexually active, the more likely they are to experience a whole variety of negative life outcomes. The longer a girl delays sexual activity, the more likely she is to have a better quality of life. When having sex, the language of the body says ‘I give myself to you completely.’ If the intention 20

is different, then it is almost certain that you will hurt the other person because you are being deceitful and telling a lie with your body. The term ‘casual sex’ is misleading, because nothing is casual about the consequences. Surely, what people do behind closed doors is nobody else’s business? If this statement were true, then rape and murder would be acceptable just provided nobody found out about it. Morals are not based on consequences or how public an action is. A healthy approach to sexual intercourse is closely related to the health of a society. Happy marriages are the foundation of a happy society. The act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman involves the possibility of a new life being welcomed into the world. Children are a great gift and blessing, to be welcomed and nurtured into the world. As sex includes the possibility of pregnancy, are you ready for that responsibility? 21

In 1973, the US Supreme Court decided during the famous ‘Roe vs. Wade’ decision to legalize abortion on the principle of a right to privacy. But this decision had grave public effects. Many unborn children have been killed as a result of this decision. A society that kills its children has no future. Modesty is not exactly a fashionable word, is it? What are people being shown about modesty today? One of the latest dolls on the high street is the Barbie Riviera beach doll, available for £5.99 for ages 3 and up. As this doll is wearing almost nothing, the subliminal message here is that it is OK to dress like this, even if you’re 5 or 8 years old, and so establishes the “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” message from an early age. The manufacturers would have you believe, that in order to get a boyfriend you have to dress provocatively, otherwise you’re not going to get a look in. But this is far from the truth. Dressing 22

modestly is crucial to strengthening a relationship with the opposite sex. Pope John Paul II looked at modesty through the lens of human shame in his book, “Love and Responsibility.” Shame is a natural desire to conceal both good and bad things, because some things are better when they are not in the public eye. One of the most powerful feelings of shame is sexual shame. According to John Paul II, sexual shame exists to protect what might be ‘a potential object of enjoyment’ for persons of the other sex.”9 We tend to veil the sexual values connected with certain parts of the body, not because they are bad, but because they can overshadow the greater good of the person. This is “a natural form of self-defence for the person.” Modesty of dress helps protect the relationship between the sexes and thus creates the possibility of authentic love for the person to develop. Modesty helps keep the woman from being 23

treated as an object for sexual pleasure. That is why we want to dress modestly when we are with members of the opposite sex to whom we are not married. Outside the context of married love, we must be careful with the unveiling of sexuality or else we will set ourselves up to be used by the opposite sex. John Paul II says, “Sexual modesty is not a flight from love, but on the contrary the opening of a way towards it.”10 Modesty seeks to inspire love — true love for the person, not just a sexual reaction to a woman’s body. A culture of immodest women creates a society full of uncommitted men. Some women are willing to give themselves to men they do not even know. To dress with modesty is to make a statement about the dignity of women, opening the likelihood for loving relationships. Dressing provocatively encourages others to use you as eye candy for carnal gratification. Our bodies are not simply meant to be objects: instead, we should 24

use them as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God (Romans 12:1). There is a great young author called Wendy Shalit who wrote, A Return to Modesty. She believes that modesty is a powerful cultural weapon that can rebuild respect for women. The sexual revolution failed because it ignored female modesty and the difference of the sexes, bringing us harassment, date rape, stalking, eating disorders, dreary hook ups and the terrible influence of divorce. For those fed up with divorce, modesty is a positive way to stand for a new way of life. Modesty is proof that morality can be fun and is more likely to restore true love. Modesty may even be a proof of God, because it means, “that we have been designed in such a way that when we humans act like animals, without any restraint and without any rules, we just don’t have as much fun.”11 We were created with self-consciousness, a will, reason and desire to search and yearn for something deeper and greater: to live for greatness. Don’t imagine that 25

modesty is for frigid prudes who are afraid. To behave with modesty is far more exciting than sleeping around because it restores the dignity of women. What is the difference between lust and love? Kierkegaard, a Danish philosopher, said, “What distinguishes love from lust is the fact that it bears an impress of eternity.”12 In the words of Josh Harris, “Lust would like us to believe that it can make us happy. If we just give it what it wants, it will stop pestering us and be satisfied. Lust is never satisfied, you can’t bargain with it and come out a winner. Lust hijacks sex. It wants to train your desires to delight in the thrill of the forbidden so that you lose your Godly appetite for what is good.”13 Close physical involvement is not equivalent to true affection. Elisabeth Elliot writes about the tedium of lust, in her book, ‘Passion and Purity.’ In her patient and enduring quest for passion and purity, she states, “There is a dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected 26

and prized. By trying to grab fulfilment everywhere, we find it nowhere.”14 Many people experience a sense of emptiness after a lustful experience. But, when we discover true love, lust becomes boring and irrelevant. CS Lewis thought up a wonderful analogy called the lustful lizard in his book, The Great Divorce.15 It is a story about the ghost of a man afflicted by lust. Lust is represented by a red lizard that sits on the shoulder of the man and whispers convincingly into his ear. The man eventually begins to despair about the lizard, at which point an angel offers to kill it for him. But the man cannot make up his mind about what to do. The man fears the death of lust will kill him and makes excuse after excuse to the angel to keep the lizard. But finally the man allows the angel to seize and kill the lizard. The angel grasps the reptile, breaks its neck and throws it to the ground. This ghostly man is gloriously transformed into a real and solid being, while the lizard, rather than dying, is turned into a mighty 27

stallion. With tears of joy, the man jumps on to the horse and they fly to the heavens. How important are our bodies? As our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit16 and we are made in the image of God,17 we are told to glorify God with our bodies. The body is of great worth in Christianity. God came to us in flesh and blood and revealed how important the body is to the human condition. Within our bodies we have many passions. Either we are able to control them or they will control us. Freedom is found by selfcontrol. The school of temptation is a test of love. Modest dress respects rather than flaunts the body. To invite God into our lives is to become the people he intended us to be, full of life and love. Does contraception work? The damage of lies, falsehood and error If someone told you something was safe when it wasn’t, they would either be a liar or would be 28

unintentionally misleading you. When life and death is at stake, promoting lies can be a vicious concoction of deceit, fraud and ignorance. Our young people have been misled, lied to, used and abused with a message of “safe” and “safer” sex. It is a dangerous message that is potentially devastating. It is medically inaccurate and insulting to women. It generates a false sense of security encouraging risky behaviour and reduces the understanding of sex to a purely genital level. The misleading message of ”safe sex” is an absolute joke and implies that we have no trust or hope in our young people any more. If standards are set high for young people, and they are encouraged to save sex until marriage, a new generation can have the confidence to believe in themselves and to live for something greater. a) The oral contraceptive pill Let us consider how ‘safe’ the oral contraceptive pill is. The pill affects the blood clotting ability of the body, leading to a significant increase in risk 29

of heart disease and stroke.18 Women on the pill are up to five times more likely to have a stroke than non-pill users and three times more likely to have a heart attack.19 The birth control pill increases a woman’s chance of having breast cancer, cervical cancer and liver cancer. 21 out of 23 studies of women who took the pill before their first child showed increased risk of breast cancer. Birth control pills meddle with a woman’s immune system, making her more likely to contract certain STDs. Contrary to popular belief, the birth control pill can also be an abortifacient. This means that the pill can cause an induced abortion in early pregnancy. As the pill has the same side effects as pregnancy, this means it can bring weight gain, moodiness, skin change and nausea. Alfred Kinsey stated, “At the risk of sounding repetitious, I would remind the group that we have found the highest frequency of induced abortion in the group which, in general, most frequently used contraceptives.”20 30

The pill can cause more than 150 biological changes in a woman according to the textbook of contraceptive practice. This can include gallbladder disease, headache, bleeding irregularities, ectopic pregnancy, yeast infection, changes to the curvature of the eye, excessive hair growth in unusual places, acne, and partial or complete loss of vision.21 There are many effects of the pill that are yet to be fully understood in the way they damage and upset the delicate yet beautiful aspects of womanhood. The pill was supposed to bring great liberation to women, but in the words of Christopher West, “Contraception is a sure way to keep women in chains.”22 Treating a woman’s fertility like a disease promotes a warped view of freedom and safety. b) The male condom According to the authoritative publication Contraceptive Technology, after use of just ten condoms, the probability of at least one failure is 57 per cent. Failure results in exposure to all the 31

STDs that a partner has and may result in pregnancy. Within a year, 15 per cent of sexually active women whose partners use condoms for contraception become pregnant, according to Contraceptive Technology. After two years, it is 28 per cent. After three years, it is 39 per cent. After four years, it is 48 per cent and after five years, it is 56 per cent. And maybe that is why we have more than 200,000 abortions a year in this country. The British Medical Journal showed in ten studies worldwide that widespread availability of contraception made no appreciable difference in the attempt to reduce abortion rates.23 Condoms do NOT protect against STDs Very few people know that condoms do not prevent almost all sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The US National Institute of Health reported in July 2001 that condoms did not provide universal protection against any of the eight major STDs. The panel of researchers found just two areas of condom effectiveness, both of 32

which were significantly limited: the heterosexual transmission of HIV and the female to male transmission of gonorrhoea. But this in total constitutes just two per cent of all STDs. There is not a great deal of evidence to show that condoms provide suitable protection against gonorrhoea for women. This is of concern because gonorrhoea can lead to ectopic pregnancy, pelvic inflammatory disease and infertility in women. Our generation has been given medically inaccurate information that states: “Be safe, use a condom.” Advertisements and messages from the National Health Service attempt to convince us of this message. You usually need to be protected against your enemies, not your closest loved ones. A barrier in a relationship is a hindrance to communication and intimacy. Nobody wants a love life full of compromises, conditions and concessions. The term “safe sex” was replaced by “safer sex” when it was realised how unrealistic the notion was to begin with.

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One doctor has compared the use of condoms to playing Russian roulette.24 The US Department of Health reported that of 100 women whose partner uses a condom for a year, 3-36 will become pregnant.25 The Adams City High School in Colorado reported that in the three years since the school became one of the first to hand out condoms, the birth rate soared to 31per cent above the national average of 58.1 births per 1,000 students per annum.26 One study showed condoms can cause irritation or allergic reactions.27 Up to 80 per cent of unplanned pregnancies result from failed contraception.28 Reliance on condom use alone will not reduce teenage pregnancy rates if a false sense of security encourages more intercourse. Other reports show that there have been higher birthrates outside marriage among sexually experienced teens despite increased condom use.29 The risk displacement theory describes how a perceived increase in safety will not result in a 34

change in the risks involved. The introduction of seatbelts led many drivers to drive faster, due to a false understanding of safety. This meant that the use of seatbelts did not reduce the driving fatality rate. Likewise, condoms give the appearance of safety for their customers, when in reality they have led to a greater increase in unsafe sex. Increased condom use by teens is associated with increased out-of-wedlock birth rates.30 Not one country that has used condoms as a primary means to prevent AIDS has had any success.31 Father Paul Marx states: “Having travelled and worked in some 70 countries, I found no country where contraception has not led to abortion, to increasing fornication among the young, to divorce, and to all those other evils we see today that make up the international sex mess.”32 There is no condom for the heart or the soul. “Safe sex” is a total contradiction in terms. Sex is supposed to be a total gift of self. There is no form of premarital “safe sex” spiritually, physically or mentally. Full protection from 35

pregnancy, disease or having your heart broken is impossible. No form of contraception is 100 per cent effective, and our bodies are stubbornly protective of fertility, because the propagation of the species is too important. “Safe sex” is not safe for the soul. Condoms offer little or no protection against the deadly Human papillomavirus.33 The implication underlying the government’s ‘safe sex’ policy is that young people are not capable of controlling themselves, and hence it lets them settle for mediocrity rather than live for greater things. This is deeply patronising to young people who have the capability of selfcontrol, and are perfectly able to cope with challenges and responsibility. Even worse, the government works directly with the organisations that profit financially from the promotion of contraception and abortion.34 Given oral sex can transmit virtually every STD,35 why is it that governments continue to promote this farcical message of ”safer sex”?

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What are the emotional consequences of engaging in pre-marital sex? Pre marital sex brings with it considerable emotional dangers. Condoms do not protect you from emotional consequences. Pre-marital sex can cause worry (about pregnancy or disease), regret, guilt, loss of self esteem/self respect, shaken trust, depression, suicide, corruption of character, damaged or ruined relationships, stunted personal development and failed marriages. If we strive for purity we will greatly increase the probability of having superior health, happiness and hope. What are the chances I might get a sexually transmitted disease or infection? The Health Protection Agency has reported a rise in chlamydia from 1995-2004 of 223per cent, a rise in gonorrhoea of 111per cent and a rise of syphilis of 1,499 per cent in the same time period.

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Chlamydia is the most common bacterial STD in the UK, with 121,986 cases in 2007. It is prevalent in up to 10 per cent of sexually active women and frequently causes infertility. Most infected women have no symptoms. There is no convincing evidence that condom use provides any protection against chlamydia. Amongst the proliferation of sexually transmitted diseases and infections since the sexual revolution, Human papillomavirus (HPV) is the most common. It is incurable but not permanent. However, it does cause 99.7per cent of cervical cancer.36 According to the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, 46 per cent of teenage girls acquire HPV from their first sexual relationship.37 The majority of sexually active women have been infected with one or more types of HPV. What about masturbation? Masturbation is an act that is only inward looking. It speaks of selfishness rather than 38

mutual self giving and is contrary to the procreative and unitative purposes of sex. It deceives us into putting our own desires first, before our relationship with God and the purity of our own hearts. Jesus says that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully commits adultery with her in his own heart.38 Such a habit teaches us to take and use rather than to give. It can distort our relationships and lead to addiction. God’s healing is always possible for those who struggle in this area. What about pornography? It is not as if anyone is getting hurt. If you were face-to-face with some of those who had experienced sexual and physical abuse as a result of pornography, would you still be able to explain that this “entertainment” was not a tragedy? Meeting victims face-to-face is a real way to realise the full extent of the damage that pornography does.

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The use of pornography trains your brain to expect women to be constantly sexually available, physically flawless and devoid of any human or emotional commitment. It is perhaps the most effective way to destroy your future marriage. Pornography leads to a warped understanding and appreciation of sex. It damages the beautiful gift of human sexuality into a fantasy based on lies, manipulation and financial exploitation. It destroys marriages, degrades women, emasculates men and distorts the emotional and spiritual dimensions of sex. Porn involves the exploitation of women, generating abuse and misery worldwide.

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10 reasons to save sex until marriage 1. God’s blessing on purity. 2. Increased likelihood of happier and longerlasting marriage. 3. The avoidance of unwanted pregnancy and abortion. 4. The avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases. 5. Protection from emotional distress and problems. 6. Increase in self-esteem, maturity and dignity. 7. Those that wait for sex until marriage report more satisfying marital sex. 8. Trust in relationships is preserved. 9. The joy of the gift of purity to your spouse. 10. The beauty of inviting the author of life into your life.

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Prayer for purity Jesus, help me to love as you do. Make me pure of body, pure of mind and pure of heart that I might see God and enjoy his plan for me. Make me clean and heal me from the wounds of sin. Strengthen me each day to live the love to which you call me. By myself I am weak and my heart is not pure, but in you I can be strong and holy. Mary, you are the Immaculate Conception, so pure and chaste. I pray to you for purity in our world. In particular, I pray for purity among young people. Mary I want to be pure like you are. St Joseph, I want to have your courage to guard the purity of others and myself. Please help me in my walk with Jesus, so that I can glorify God in my body, and join you all in heaven one day. St Joseph, pray for us St Raphael, the Archangel, pray for us, St Maria Goretti, pray for us, Amen. 42

I am a responsible young man The parents of my girlfriend can place their trust in me. I will not violate it. I will respect my girlfriend as I expect other men to respect my sister. I will respect womanhood because my mother is a woman: I will not ask my girlfriend to do anything that I would be ashamed of if my mother or father found out. My girlfriend has given me the honour and pleasure of her company. It is wrong for me to expect more in payment for this date. My girlfriend will be a wife and mother some day She must be an example to her children and the pride of her husband. I will help her to be pure and decent, as I want my own wife to be. Manhood means strength of character as well as body. Lack of self-control is a sign of weakness. 43

I want my girlfriend to know I am manly. God is everywhere. He sees everything. He knows everything. Darkness may hide me from people, But cannot hide me from God. If through my lack of self-control, I should get a girlfriend pregnant, I will not put pressure on her to kill our unborn child.

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I am a responsible young woman My body is the temple of God… not a plaything. The first “NO” may be difficult. After that, it’s easy. Virginity is still a virtue, lust a sin. The way I dress, act and speak may be a temptation to my boyfriend. I will observe modesty for his and my own protection. My parents have done so much for me. I wish always to be a credit to them. My boyfriend will be a husband and father some day. He must be a hero in the eyes of his wife and children. I will do nothing to prevent that on my dates with him. I want to be a wife and mother. I will reserve my purity and affections for my husband and children. If through my weakness, I should get pregnant, I will not take “the easy way out” by killing my unborn child. 45

What does God’s word say about Chastity? Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:8). He also reminds us, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15). How pure should we be? Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones. Let there be no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but instead, thanksgiving. (Ephesians 5:3-4). What happens to fornicators and adulterers? Those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-23, 1 Corinthians 6:9-13). For if you live according to the flesh, you will die, but if by the spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. (Romans 8:13) What has God called us to do? This is the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality, that each of you knows 46

how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and honour, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God; not to take advantage of or exploit a brother in this matter, for the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you before and solemnly affirmed. For God did not call us to impurity but to holiness. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7). The Lord loves the pure of heart; the man of winning speech has the king for his friend. (Proverbs 22:11). How valuable is a good wife? When one finds a worthy wife, her value is far beyond pearls. (Proverbs 31:10). It is better to dwell in a wilderness than with a quarrelsome and vexatious wife. (Proverbs 21:19). What is our body a temple for? Avoid immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been 47

purchased at a price. Therefore, glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20, see 10:31). What must our attitude be towards marriage? Let marriage be honoured among all and the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the immoral and adulterers. (Hebrews 13:4). What God has joined together, no human being must separate. (Mark 10:9). How should we behave as good examples? Older women should be reverent in their behaviour, not slanderers, not addicted to drink, teaching what is good, so that they may train younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, chaste, good homemakers, under the control of their husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited. Urge the younger men, similarly, to control themselves, showing yourself as a model of good deeds in every respect, with integrity in your teaching, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be criticised, so that the opponent will be put to 48

shame without anything bad to say about us. (Titus 2:3-8). How must we treat men and women? Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters with complete purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2). How should wives behave? Likewise, your wives should be subordinate to your husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by their wives' conduct when they observe your reverent and chaste behaviour. Your adornment should not be an external one: braiding the hair, wearing gold jewellery, or dressing in fine clothes, but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God. (1 Peter 3:1-4).

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Can you look at a woman lustfully? Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Mt 5:28).

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Love versus Lust Love gives Love is personal Love is honest Love waits Love is life giving Love is life long Love chooses Love sympathizes Love is committed Love is faithful Love is generous Love communicates Love is deep Love is responsive Love is pure Love understands Love is kind Love appreciates Love is kind Love accepts Love is given Love talks Love adores

Lust uses Lust is objectifying Lust is devious Lust takes Lust is lifeless Lust is temporary Lust uses Lust criticizes Lust is unattached Lust is disloyal Lust is selfish Lust manipulates Lust is shallow Lust is insensitive Lust is impure Lust makes demands Lust is blind Lust intimidates Lust dares Lust discards Lust is obsessed Lust walks Lust keeps score 51

Chastity Pledge As I recognize that chastity is a gift of the Holy Spirit, I choose to live a pure life, because I'm worth it! I give my whole self - mind, body, heart and fertility into God's keeping, until He leads me to marry the love of my life. Signed _________________________ Date _____________

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1

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/berkshire/7914656.stm Office for National Statistics. 3 US News and World Report study. Mentioned at the World Congress of Families. http://www.worldcongress.org/wcf2_spkrs/wcf2_baehr.htm#_ednref26 4 Catechism of the Catholic Church (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1994), 2348. 5 The Fourth and Fifth Rs: Respect and Responsibility, Volume 13, Issue 2, Fall 2007, Centre for the 4th and 5th Rs. Dr. Thomas Lickona. 6 Josh Mcdowell, Why Wait: What you need to know about the teen sexuality crisis (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, 1987), p244. 7 From the Memorare. This is a special prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary. 8 Frank Sheed, Society and Sanity, Sheed and Ward, 1953. 9 Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility, Ignatius Press, San Fransisco, p176. 10 Ibid., p.179 11 Wendy Shalit, A return to modesty: rediscovering the lost virtue (Free Press, 2000), p193. 12 Kierkegaard, How to distinguish love from lust, 1959, Volume II, p21. 13 Josh Harris, Boy meets girl (Multnomah press, 2000), p154. 14 Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity, (Grand Rapids, Revell, 1984), 21. 15 CS Lewis, The Great Divorce, (Harperone, 2001). 16 Cf. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 17 Cf. Genesis 1:27 18 Bruce Stadel “Oral Contraceptives and the occurrence of disease” in Contraceptive Steroids: Pharmacology and Safety, ed A.T. Gregoire and Richard Blye (NY and London: Plenum Press, 1986, p14-5). 19 Maureen Gardner, Facts About Oral Contraceptives, National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, 1984, p8, p12. 20 Mary S. Calderone, ed. Abortion in the United States: A conference sponsored by the PPFa and the New York Academy of Medicine, Arden House (New York, Harper and Row, 1958), p157. 21 Contem. Obstetrics & Gynaecology, 1988; 19: 315-26. 22 Christopher West, Good News about Sex and Marriage, p122. 23 A Glasier, Emergency Contraception, BMJ, 333:560–561. 24 Gardner G, Promoting Sexual Health BMJ 1992 305 70-71. 25 US Department of Health, Contraception, Comparing the Options. 26 USA Today, May 19th, 1992. 27 Family Planning Perspectives. 1999 28 Williams ES. Contraceptive failure may be a major factor in teenage pregnancy. BMJ 1995; 311: 807. 29 Physicians Resource Councils, New Study Shows Higher Unwed Birth rates Among Sexually Experienced Teens Despite Increased Condom Use (10 February 1999). 30 The Consortium of State Physicians Resource Councils, New Study Shows Higher Unwed Birthrates Among Sexually Experienced Teens Despite Increased Condom Use (10 February 1999). 31 N. Hearst and S. Chen, Condom Promotion for AIDS Prevention in the Developing World: is it Working? Studies in Family Planning 35:1 (March 2004): 39–47. 32 Fr Paul Marx, The 40th Anniversary of Humanae Vitae: In Retrospect. 33 Robert Reid M.D., Condoms Won’t Prevent Transmission of HPV, Family Planning News 22 (June 1992): 12, K.L. Noller, Talking to the HPV patient Ob Gyp Clinical Alert, 1993, p39. 34 http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4832814.stm 35 Medical Institute for Sexual Health, Sex, Condoms, and STDs: What We Now Know (Austin, Tex.: Medical Institute for Sexual Health, 2002) 36 Cf. J. M. Walboomers, et al., Human Papillomavirus Is a Necessary Cause of Invasive Cervical Cancer Worldwide, Journal of Pathology 189:1 (September, 1999): 12-19 37 Collins, et al., High incidence of cervical human papillomavirus infection in women during their first sexual relationship, BJOG : an international journal of obstetrics and gynaecology 109:1 (January, 2002): 96-98. 38 Cf. Matthew 5:28 2