F I R S T D R A F T.docx

FIRST

DRAFT

CREATED 2018

on days like today, i could conquer the world yet my feet are buried in the wreckage that i used to call my home. i’m all on my own.

{a refugee’s lullaby}

every night before i go to sleep, i count the days of us breaking away from each other and wonder if you still miss me the way i still miss you

but then i look at the photos, the gifts and recall the kisses and realize

perhaps the reason why i stopped looking for you everywhere is simply because you were never really there at all.

it does make sense after all, don’t you think? one chance, one kiss, one spark is all it takes – we feel before we fall,

{chance encounters}

do not think of the marks on your body as unworthy – each speck is a story undiscovered, each blemish is a tale waiting to be told of the hard battles conquered.

what would you do if i turned you away, what would you say if i couldn’t be brave through all my demons – tell me, my love, would you really stay?

{confrontation}

they say hold her down before she spreads her wings to fly, but don’t they already know? the blood in her veins has always been this wild.

i have learnt the beauty of disguise from my mother; she beams at me as she sings me to sleep and yet, when i close my eyes and pretend slumber i always hear her

she weeps and weeps and weeps.

behind the closed doors, the shadows begin to crack and the light pours itself in – this. this. this. this is where you will find the honest truth. if you love me here, i shall know. finally. if. you. are. the. one.

{the shadows | side a}

i watch the sunlight fall over you and crack the shadows that you try to hide, the truth betrays you and bleeds you deafening your silenced cries; as the dawn spills over you and soaks you in i see you, finally, i see you in a different light.

{the shadows | side b}

what a strange thing it is – we take the flower from its home and then complain when it starts to crumble in our hands.

{all in the name of love}

forgive me if i let you believe that you could own me; i am not an artifact waiting to be sold; an exotic bird to tame; or an island to roam –

all i simply am is a wild wave of the ocean that paves its way on its own.

{remember before you tread these waves, i’m not yours to own}

is it the right thing? when you give pieces of yourself to others and except the same in return and all you ever get from them are whispers in the wind;

you choose to settle for the breeze when you were made to start up a storm.

i look into your eyes, deception has never felt so right.

{misguided love}

they break your heart and let you bleed and yet, you forgive; you forgive because you believe that they’ll see the light one day and until then, you’ll pray. for them. to see.

this is kindness.

my words are not weak; they are not a cry for your love they are memories weaved into lessons to remind me of what once was.

{that is all}

the moment you start seeking kindness in a place where hatred resides, you start a revolution.

do not be afraid to love for the fear of heartbreak –

we step on soils in hopes to destroy them and yet the earth grows. it does.

you will too, if it ever comes to it.

{take the risk}

my mind has travelled more than my body and yet, like another traveller it is lost.

tell me, how do you find something that you cannot see or touch?

you and i are not the same, you say; you claim that i have stolen this land from you, this land that was truly yours – you drive me out and close the gates of my home from me; you rob me of a future that could have been mine – bullets fired, lives lost; all in the name of true heritage and right

yet everything you wear has been weaved by my ancestors, everything you call exotic is a part of my identity and every trend you follow is my culture so tell me, who is really to blame? who is really to blame? who is really to blame?

i want love; the pure and the right kind, i tell my mother – a love so strong yet so soft that it makes me thrive a love that makes me feel alive

but where, i ask her, will i ever find such love? she smiles at me and whispers,

within yourself, darling, within. yourself.

soft hands, yours in mine, invincible - the look in your eyes,

beach tides, hearts enterwined, immortal – your laughter full of light,

you, forever engraved in my mind.

*

harsh palms, mine against yours, unbearable – the words spoken of,

castle ruins, untwist your path with mine, unforgettable – our last goodbye,

you, forever engraved in my mind.

let go of the people who mistake your kindness for their right.

you drown memories of me in people you find and places that aren’t mine,

tell me, does this ever work?

my love, i’m still on your mind.

your heart’s cry / my mother’s strange lullaby / the photo that sits on your desk / the broken dreams that i try to collect / the emptiness inside this home / things that make me okay: unknown / the words that you hold hostage on your tongue / a past i can’t seem to overcome / the rise of your chest / the fall of my breath / actions that mirror your agony / lies that roll off me casually / your heart yearning for paradise / although i’m not someone you’d look for in the afterlife / love between us drifts away / ours become yours and mine / all we are anymore is just another supernova biding time.

{quiet truth}

reminder: + wash the guilt away + water your roots each day + empty your heart of sorrow + if today fails, there’s always tomorrow

calm into the night, my eyes meet yours. is this what it feels like, i wonder, to fall in love?

this kindness that you pour into everyone’s soul, fill yourself with it too every once in a while. god knows you deserve it.

breathe softly, i must for the air that fills my lungs will weigh me down

any day now, these steps i take, these tears i cry will turn out to be worth my while

hang in just a little longer, i’ll chant to myself like a sweet lullaby

oh these troubles i go through – oh beauty, the things i do for you.

i have realized that perfect doesn’t mean forever and so i must let you go.

you paint me a villain in front of anyone and everyone who matters to me

i cry about it and then wonder, where and who would you run to if i really became one?

day 454 –

the memories of you keep fading away – oh my love, what do i do to make them stay?

what you believe in drives you. believe in yourself as a miracle and you are.

i see men coming with their stakes towards me – they hold me down by my throat, tie me up and burn me but what will become of these men when i rise from my ashes once more? do they not know, through all these matches and trials that fire has become my second home.

{phoenix}

my flowers have grown, just like before. only but this time, they blossom with thorns.

(this should keep you away).

my home is not a forest with lush trees and fruitful beings – it is a desert parched with dreary pines and scorned by dying lying

and yet somehow, through it all, this land has a touch more tender than the forest’s breeze.

dream. always. dream of more. dream of better. dream of possibility. always. it will give you hope and joy even when your life cannot.

let me look at the skies – i see them weep for me, they wrap with love and honey and still, i do not see their beauty

what will it take for me to open my eyes? this land has burned; the warm sea bleeds read and all my skies have left

where is my home now? where is my home now? where is my home now?

all i am left with is regret.

i see hesitation in your eyes, each time you look at me; your hands waver as they reach for mine –

i know your heart is broken still – but do not be afraid, my love for my heart, like every part of me is a safe place for you to dwell.

aftermath (of you);

day 567 – my heart beats for both of us still,

less for me and more for you.

even after you have left. you remain within. how is this fair.

i want you to build a home. build a home where there are no shadows. only warmth. where the walls are made of growth and kindness. where the roof glows of love. where the doors open to possibility. where forgiveness lives. where dreams settle in with the wind, all through the window. build a home. for yourself. within you. i promise you, you will never need to ask for shelter again.

how you love me. ever so fiercely. irrevocably. for. and. despite. everything. this is the tenderness i have been yearning for all my life.

what you must understand is that your artwork is not just a form. it never is.

it is the emotion. the honesty. the heartbreak. the reckoning. the art, simply and truly, is you.

{ode to the artist}

it does not matter what the outcome is. being at war with myself is not a victory or a defeat. the balance hangs on a thin thread within me – the dark will never succumb to the light and the light will never let the dark breathe; the love within my heart is clouded by doubt and yet, it will never let the doubt leave; where is the method to this madness? i wish i could set myself free however, this orthodox is all i have left and this is what helps me breathe.

{the orthodox}

look at the sea. how it is so brutal yet so forgiving. exquisite with a touch of deadly. the waves rise (they crash and crash) and the waves fall against my feet – daring me. to unload. unburden. to bare myself. to be free. if you ever wonder, this is why the sea resonates with me.

what do you do with a house that no longer feels like home? do you adorn it like a trinket around your neck, perhaps add it to the prized collection your dad keeps locked away in his garage, or bury it in a casket with forget-me-nots and apologies.

where do you store this emptiness that sits then, on the throne you once called your home? do you shelter it in the dusty attic; where lives what remains of your childhood, perhaps strike a bargain with another broken soul; trading one emptiness for another, or simply let it reign until you and the emptiness are one and the same.

this world is no place for a gentle soul like yours, this i know – but you must understand that there is a time for everything; just as this home falls, another one rises. within you. slow but steady. soft and fierce. let it evolve. what is empty can never be full; the dreams, emotions and possibilities you hold – let these remind you that you and the emptiness are not one and the same.

you will see light at the end of the day. all you must do. is be brave.

choose one, they tell me; you must choose one – you cannot be half a heart, give half your love to the lands that demand devotion. your feet must settle on one ground, your tongue cannot be a ghost that whispers between realms; choose one, they tell me; you must choose one –

but what of the world within me, born from these lands, how do i hold my heart and teach it about setting borders when all it knows is to love beyond. what is mine. and what is not. my heart loves it all the same. you tell me this world is ours and yet you do not want me to stay.

all countries must follow rules, you try to reason. but i am not a country. perhaps, this is why i do not understand limits.

why choose one, when i can choose them all?

{i have inherited this earth, just as much as you}

my mother has drawn every breath for me ever since i came into being. tell me of a greater love than this.

{you cannot}

do not be so gentle, you tell me. not everyone deserves your kindness.

but my love, this heaviness is all i have left to give. it is rooted deep within my soul, even where the light does not breathe. this is a reminder.

do you not remember? the world has never been kind to me. this is unjust. intolerable. but you must understand you are the energy you choose to channel.

and so i choose this. to be gentle. to be kind. despite of it all. this is a reminder. to remind others and to remind myself.

we are worthy, even when we may not believe ourselves to be. we are worthy.

{we deserve kindness.}

my heart is full of heartache so i empty it by touching yours; you tell me no more, no more – i try to listen but i do not understand. i give more than you bargain for and now your heart sits at the palm of my hand.

you are overwhelmed, yet you surrender is this what devotion feels like? you are two hearts full, adorned with white flags; i sit, crossed legged, eyes in wonder, nursing an empty chest.

i do not see the light even when i try, i cannot help it, my love

you envelope me and whisper let me carry your grief. let me carry your grief. let me carry your grief.

{through thick and thin}

what a strange thing fame is, let it touch you and you’ll be miserable with it – shy away and close all doors; you’ll be insecure without it.