Eq For Everybody

EQ For Everybody Steve Hein Below are links to my complete 1996 book. I decided to put the whole book on line because I believe onte we need now in the world is more free sharing of ideas and information, and less creation and accumulation of things and money. Please note that when I wrote this book I was basing my concept of emotional intelligence on the 1995 book by Goleman. I now believe Goleman himself doesn't really understand what EI is, although he did get many people in the world thinking about it, including me. Now I have my own definition of emotional intelligence: Emotional intelligence is the innate potential to feel, use, communicate, recognize, remember, describe, identify, learn from, manage, understand and explain emotions.One of the main differences between my idea of EI and that of most others is my emphasis on it being an innate potential we are born with. This potential can then either be develloped in healthy ways over our lives, or in unhealthy ways. As far as the term "EQ" is concerned, I don't use it much in my writing now. But for the purposes of this book, I suggest you think of what I have written as a combination of 1) a high level of development of one's innate emotional intelligence, 2) a set of learned practical emotional skills Steve Hein -- Sept. 2000 April 2006 Note - I made a few more corrections and clarifications to Chapter 1 (in grey text)..

Table of Contents Front Cover, Dedication, Acknowledgements, etc. Chapter 1 - Introduction and Background Chapter 2 - The B.A.R.E. Essentials Chapter 3 - Emotional Literacy Chapter 4 - EQ and Self-Esteem Chapter 5 - Validation and Invalidation Chapter 6 - EQ and Happiness Chapter 7 - Using Your Emotions to Set and Achieve Your Goals Chapter 8 - The Positive Value of Negative Feelings Chapter 9 - Relationships Chapter 10 - Parenting Chapter 11 - Signs of High & Low EQ Chapter 12 - How To Raise Your EQ

Acknowledgment Thank you to everyone who has supported, encouraged, and believed in me. Special thanks to Steve Brewer who was foremost among those who believed I could write this book, before I believed it myself, and who supplied me with loving prodding to keep me working on it... ... And a very special thanks to Lisa Haueisen, whose help included meticulous editing, creative typesetting, and dependable emotional support, and who helped me do what most would say could not possibly have been done. (more is at the bottom of this page) Foreword I first heard the term "EQ" in the fall of 1995 when the book Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman was widely covered by the American press. The extensive research presented in the book supported my own observations and suspicions about life and emotions, and reassured me that I was on the right track in my elusive pursuit of happiness. The research continues to confirm what I had concluded on my own: that feelings are extremely important to individual health, happiness, and social harmony. This may seem a bit obvious, but it was not always obvious to me. I grew up in a family where we didn't talk

about feelings. We talked about ideas, concepts and principles. As a result, I could tell you what I thought about everything, but I couldn't tell you how I felt about anything. After several failed relationships, I took time off to reflect on my life and realized I had made many decisions which resulted in unhappiness for myself and others. After studying the literature on emotions and feelings, I concluded that most of my self-detructive decisions could be directly attributed to what I now call an unhealthy developement of my innate emotional intelligence. (In the 1996 edition of this book I said "poor" decisions, instead of unhealthy, and I said they were attributed to "what is now called low emotional intelligence, or low EQ, for short." I have come to realize, though, that I never had low emotional intelligence. It just was not given an opportunity to develop in a heathy way.) In 1996 I wrote Previously, I struggled to find happiness through the traditional routes: material success and relationships with the opposite sex. Now, however, I realize that: 1. There's not much point to either wealth or relationships if you aren't happy. 2. It is hard to be happy with others if you aren't happy alone. 3. It is hard to be happy alone if you don't feel good about yourself. 4. It is hard to have good feelings about yourself if you don't have good emotional management skills. 5. Emotional management skills are, therefore, one of the fundamental ingredients of happiness. Now I realize, in 2008, that you can feel good about yourself, and love yourself, but if you are alone and not in love with someone else, your life can be very unhappy. This is one reason I speak to students whenever I can about the importance of love and relationship skills. Even before I read the EI literature, I had realized the importance of feelings. I had started listening to my emotions, since I concluded that nature would not have developed emotions if they didn't have some important value. Here is more about the importance of emotions. As I studied emotions, I learned that our feelings are complex feedback systems which let us know when we are on the right track towards health and happiness. This conclusion is supported by the evidence that negative feelings such as anger, stress, and hatred cause serious health problems. Such negative feelings are nature's way of telling us we are off track, and that we need to make some changes. These changes could be to ourselvesl, to our environment, or they could include changing environments, as I have done many times during my travels since 1996. I wrote this book to help you apply certain emotional principles of in your life, just as I strive to apply them in mine. I believe that by individually addressing our emotional needs, we can make a large impact on collective happiness. In 1996 I wrote When I look at people worldwide, I see rising alienation and detachment; rising crime, violence and greed; and few fulfilling relationships. My country, the United States, is a world leader in these clear indicators of serious unhappiness, just as much as it is a world leader in material wealth and military power. Millions of individual Americans seem to be searching for an identity. We seem to identify not with ourselves, but with sports stars, movie stars, baseball teams, political parties, and religious groups. Increasingly, when we have negative feelings, we turn to medication or distraction. I fear that the rest of the world is following our lead in this dangerous direction. Now I will add that since 1996 I have spent much more time outside of the USA than inside and I have travelled and lived around the world. I no longer refer to the USA as my country. I have a saying now, "If I can't sell it, then it isn't mine." Also, I no longer think of myself as an "American". I prefer to think of myself as what Socrates called a "citizen of the world." Also, from my travels I have seen that the influence of the USA is even more pervassive than I realized in 1996. I feel a responsibility to inform people in other countries of the dangers in the American culture.

Now I return to the 1996 text.... Nonetheless, I am encouraged that Americans are also world leaders in the area of personal growth, a field in which this book attempts to make a valuable contribution. In putting together this book, I have tried to make the principles of emotional intelligence easier to understand, more accessible, and more relevant. To do this I have expanded the academic concept of EI. For example, I include the importance of taking personal responsibility for our emotions as an integral part of our responsible participation in society. I also introduce the importance of emotional validation. Finally, I explain the direct connection between EQ, self-esteem, and happiness. My best wishes go out to you in your quest for happiness and a high "EQ". Steve Hein Tampa, Florida November, 1996 Revised 2008, Romania and Montenegro

Introduction "Boy, do I feel stupid!" How many times have we all said that? (I am not sure now if this is something commonly heard outside the USA) All of us feel "stupid" from time to time. All of us do things we realize were "dumb." So when you are feeling incompetent, try to remember you are not alone. Just realizing this might help you feel better -- being hard on yourself certainly won't. Yet we are conditioned to beat ourselves up. In fact, the smarter we are, the better case we can make to prove our own stupidity. Smart people are often experts at making themselves (and others) feel miserable. Why? Because bright people are good at forming conclusions from collecting, organizing, and interpreting data. The smarter they are, the faster they can do it. In mere seconds, they can clearly see the connection between their slightest imperfection and the end of the world as we know it. It doesn't even matter whether the data is true or false, relevant or not--whatever they want to prove, they can. 2008 Note - When I wrote the above, I had not yet begun listening to suicidal teenagers. I had not written about the "dark" side of emotional intelligence. Since then I have seen that suicidal teens are first taught to feel incompetent, inadequate, undeserving, unworthy, unimportant, etc. Then they become their own worst enemies. I was making a small joke when I said "the end of the world as we know it" but now I see that teen suicide is no joke. What I described is exactly what happens. The teens act as self prosecutors and self judges. They then find themselves guilty, even when factual evidence to the contrary will prove ineffective at correcting their innacurate and distorted self-images. If we're not busy making ourselves feel worse, we often try not to feel anything. Many of us use our cognitive abilities to become masters at detaching ourselves from our feelings. We have tried to get through our unhappiness by "being strong," in other words, by denying, repressing or "stuffing," our feelings. We intellectualize, rationalize, justify, deny, and defend. In other words, we use our upper, thinking brain to quell the feelings in our lower, feeling brain. The roles which these two brains play in our emotions and in our lives has been the focus of much of the emotions research. The findings show that each part of the brain has a clear and distinct purpose, and that we function best when the two are working smoothly together and not fighting each other. When we do fight our feelings, we waste a lot of time and energy, since our feelings are very real. In effect, when we fight our feelings, we fight reality-- something which is generally a frustrating exercise. Instead of finding out who we really are, we try to be who we are expected to be or who we are told we should be. We seek the approval of those important to us, such as our parents, our partners, our teachers and religious leaders. But to be happy, we can only be who we are. We can grow and change, but when we try to grow in a direction which is against our individual natures (i.e. against our unique genetic instructions), we are fighting nature and millions of years of evolution. All this wasted and misdirected energy is not very smart, since both our time and energy are precious, limited resources. Perhaps that is why the term emotional intelligence attracted so much attention. It offered a new meaning to "smart." In the following pages I take a close look at this new meaning, using lots of practical examples to make

the theory relevant to your life. We often take our emotions for granted by saying things like, "That's just the way I am," or "That"s just me." Research, however, proves we can, and often do, change the way we handle our emotions. The goal of this book is to help you do just that. By applying these principles, you can begin implementing changes which will result in raising your long-term happiness. By doing so, you will also be making a significant contribution to society. The happiness of a society depends on the happiness of its individuals Emotional intelligence addresses a broad spectrum of issues. For example, it helps us answer all of the following questions: "Why do we do things we know we will regret?" "How can I make a positive difference in the world?" "What does it really mean to be happy?" "What is the root cause of anger, violence, and greed?" "Why are people so disconnected and uncaring these days?" "How can people in the richest countries be so unhappy?" "Why are so many young people be killing each other and killing themselves?" "Why are countries like the USA and England constantly at war?" "Why do so many people around the world resent them or hate them?" Each question can be answered by studying ourselves and human nature in terms of the emotions research and the ideas I present here and on my website www.eqi.org All are related to our emotional needs and our emotional skills. Research tells us that nature developed emotions over millions of years of evolution to let us know when our needs are not being met. Because we are all human, we share certain universal needs. When one of these needs is not met, we feel some negative emotion. When things do not feel good, we are unhappy. Likewise, when things do feel good, we are happy. A simple definition of emotional intelligence, then, is knowing what feels good, what feels bad, and how to get from bad to good. Figuring out how to get from bad to good sometimes requires a lot of thinking, and this is one way our upper brain helps distinguish us from our less evolved animal relatives. Additionally, we humans learn proportionately more of our behavior from our adult mentors than any other animals. Most animals rely primarily on their instinctive, or genetic memories. Mother spiders don't teach their babies how to make webs, for example. Thus, what goes into our upper brain is primarily all the things we are taught in school, at home, on TV, etc. What we call thinking, then, is often just a regurgitation of what someone else has programmed into us. Our feelings, though, are more instinctive, more animal-like, and harder to program. This is because they stem from our lower brain, the brain which science has proven is much older than our upper brain in evolutionary terms. As man evolved, his brain literally has grown from the lower, back portion of the head, to the upper, front portion. Because our feelings are harder to program, they are as unique as our fingerprints -- they belong to us alone. This is because we each have different genetic temperaments and different genetic likes and dislikes. Research shows that our emotions are largely, though by all means not entirely, a function of biology. (How we act upon those emotions, though, depends primarily upon our upbringing.) Though each of us is unique, we were all programmed to act in similar ways according to the wishes of our parents, our culture, our society, etc. Ever since we were young children, we were told what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do, what was acceptable, and what was unacceptable. We were even told how we should feel-- when to feel guilty, ashamed, or happy, for example. But we are the sole keepers of our feelings, since they are based on our unique combination of innate temperaments, innermost thoughts, and individual life experiences. More than anything else, it is our feelings that make us distinct individuals. A whole society may be forced or led to believe the same things, repeat the same slogans, practice the same rituals, and wear the same clothes, but no one can force even two people to feel the same way. Therefore, it is not our cars, our clothes, our jobs, or our bodies that make us who we are. It is our feelings. EI theory has relevance in all areas of our lives, since wherever we go, we take our emotions with us. Our emotions play a major role in determining how well we raise our children, how well our children perform in school, how successful we are in our careers, how well we get along with others, and how much intimacy we have in our relationships. In sum, our emotions determine how happy we are as individuals, and how happy our society is. Now let's take a quick look at the background of EI. Chapter One Background What exactly is "EQ"?

EQ stands for Emotional Quotient. It borrows from the term "Intelligence Quotient," and is often used interchangeably with "Emotional Intelligence." What is your definition of Emotional Intelligence? Emotional intelligence is the innate potential to feel, use, communicate, recognize, remember, describe, identify, learn from, manage, understand and explain emotions.A simpler definition might be: Knowing what feels good, what feels bad, and how to get from bad to good. How is EQ measured? In 1996 I wrote: So far, there has been no "official" quantitative test devised to place a number on our EQ. No doubt, however, it is just a matter of time before this situation changes. Now in 2008 there are many people and companies selling test whidh they claim measure a person's emotional intelligence. Personally, I don't believe any of them are actually doing this though. Instead I believe these tests are mostly ways for people to make a lot of money and sell a lot of consulting services. I discuss this more on my EI tests page. Who coined the term "Emotional Intelligence"? The term is credited to Peter Salovey from Yale and John Mayer from the University of New Hampshire. (1999 Correction - These authors do not claim credit for the term. See History of EI page) When did it become a popular discussion topic? Though the term "emotional intelligence" has been around since 1990, it got popular in late 1995 when Daniel Goleman's book, Emotional Intelligence, became a best seller. Why is it receiving so much attention? The catchy term "EQ" helps, but primarily because more and more new studies are showing the clear relationship between the emotions, brain chemistry, happiness, good health, and general success in life. Why are emotions so important? Our emotions are the way our bodies talk to us and tell us what they need to be healthy and happy. Emotions were designed through millions of years of evolutionary refinement to help us survive and thrive. If we don't listen to the messages our emotions are sending, we ensure our own unhappiness, while risking ill health and early death. Our emotions also communicate messages to others. For example, when the anger in our faces says "STAY AWAY," -- people usually do. On the other hand, when we smile, we communicate that it is safe to approach us. What are some of the main findings from the EQ research? (2006 Note - When I said "research" I was taking Dan Goleman's word for it that this research was about emotional intelligence. Actually, it was research from many different areas, all pulled together by him and placed under the umbrella of EI. Also I did not realize there was a big difference between someone's innate level of EI and their level of emotional skill later in life.) - People with healthy emotional skills, or "high EQ" are happier, healthier, and more successful in their relationships. Such people show all of the following: A balance between emotion and reason An awareness of their own feelings Empathy and compassion for others Signs of high self-esteem - We are not all created emotionally equal--we have widely different natural temperaments. -The way we act out, express, and utilize our emotions, however, can be changed significantly.

- Unlike IQ, EQ can be significantly raised. (2006 Update - This also was Goleman's claim. I now disagree with this. I believe EI can be developed, but not "raised.") - The healthy emotional development of children is vital to both their ability to learn when young, and to their success and happiness as adults. - The emotional development of children has been largely neglected as a part of social policy. As a result, children have often suffered from the effect of both emotionally unskilled individual parenting, and rigid cultural and religious tradition. 2008 Note - I will add that after traveling around the world for about ten years now my own informal research has led me to conclude that most countries do not meet the emotional needs of the young people, and this is the main problem in our world today. In particular, after visiting many schools in many countries and speaking with both students and teachers, I strongly believe that the typical school system does not meet the emotional needs of the individual students. When their emotional needs go unmet and their emotional intelligence is not developed in healthy ways, problems arise. - Children's emotional intelligence is on the decline worldwide. - Our bodies carry around unexpressed and unresolved feelings to the detriment of our physical health. - Emotions are contagious. Intense people are most likely to spread their emotions to others. What are the practical consequences of high and low EQ? Inadequately or unheathily developed EI or "low EQ" is likely to lead to general unhappiness as seen in the feelings of: Loneliness Fear Frustration Guilt Emptiness Bitterness Depression Instability Lethargy Disappointment Obligation Resentment Anger Dependence Victimization Failure High "EQ", on the other hand, is associated with feelings of general happiness as evidenced by: Motivation Friendship Focus Fulfillment Peace of Mind Awareness Balance Self-control Freedom Autonomy Contentment Appreciation

Connection Desire

Mini EQ Test -- How do I know if I have high or low "EQ"? These questions help you judge your own level of EQ: 1. When you're feeling depressed and a friend asks how you are feeling, are you more likely to answer: Fine. I don't know. Alright, I guess. You don't want to know. or I feel depressed. 2. When your partner does something which upsets you, are you more likely to say: You shouldn't have... You really hurt my feelings. or I felt hurt by that. 3. When someone points out a mistake, are you more likely to: Defend yourself. Find something wrong with the other person or their logic. or Thank the person. 4. When facing a scary situation are you more likely to: Worry about it. Try to avoid thinking about it. Hope that it will go away. or Estimate the probability of your fears coming true and begin focusing on your options. 5. When someone reacts strongly to something you say, are you more likely to: Think they are too sensitive. Tell them you were just kidding. or Apologize and ask them what bothered them about what you said. Generally speaking, the more you tend towards the answers in the second set of responses, the higher your EQ. Here's why: 1. High EQ suggests that you can identify and express your feelings. 2. High EQ suggests that you take responsibility for your feelings by saying "I feel..." instead of "You shouldn't have..." 3. If you have high EQ, you are not easily threatened by criticism, so you don't feel the need to defend yourself or attack the other person. Instead, you are always willing to listen and learn from other people.

4. High EQ suggests you address your fears using reason, rather than avoiding them or letting them paralyze you. 5. High EQ people empathize with others' feelings, acknowledge them, and seek to help soothe them. Now let's take a closer look at what I call the B.A.R.E. essentials of high Emotional Intelligence: Balance, Awareness, Responsibility and Empathy. -Chapter Two The B.A.R.E. Necessities Balance, Awareness, Responsibility, Empathy The main principles of Emotional Intelligence can be conveniently remembered using the acronym of BARE, for Balance, Awareness, Responsibility, and Empathy. Let's take a look at each of these. BALANCE Since the days of Aristotle, philosophers have spoken of the virtues of balance. In ancient times, however, emotional issues were thought to involve the heart. We now know that our emotional history is stored in our lower brains. For example, the lower brain remembers the times we were scared by someone shouting at us, the times we felt disapproved of by people important to us, and the times we were filled with delight. Our upper brain is our rational brain which conceptualizes, analyzes and judges. It evaluates situations, and assesses the risks and rewards. A major principle of EQ theory is that those with high EQ are able to balance the functions of the two brains as they communicate with each other. For example: You see an opportunity to start your own business. You are afraid of bankruptcy if it fails, yet you are excited by the potential rewards. Your upper brain carries on a conversation with your lower brain to assess the risks and rewards, and assign probabilities to each. When your emotions and reason are in balance, chances are improved you will make a decision which results in long-term happiness. Now let's look at four specific practical examples of maintaining balance between our emotions and our reason: Cognitive distortions Impulse control Delaying gratification Emotional detachment 1. Cognitive Distortions Research has confirmed what has long been suspected: emotions have the ability to distort our vision of reality. Hence the following common expressions: He sees the world through rose colored glasses. He was blinded by his rage. She always expects the worst. At such times we are making what have been called "cognitive distortions" since our thoughts, or our cognitions, are being clouded by our feelings. When this happens we are thrown off balance from reality. Consider these examples: Emotional reasoning. This is when we allow our emotions to lead us to faulty conclusions. An example of this is someone who believes that because he feels like a failure, he is a failure. Emotional imprisonment. This is where we become a prisoner to our feelings. We feel trapped or we feel locked into a certain course of action, even when our better judgment and all the evidence is against it. Mental coloring or filtering. We may either see everything in an overly positive or overly negative light. We may for example, see any sign of trouble as "a disaster." Or we might allow our emotions to trick us into converting a positive into a negative. An example of this would be someone who feels so bad about herself that she thinks people who compliment her are lying out of pity. Over-generalization. This is where we mistakenly think that because something happened before, it "always" happens. High EQ people refrain from making themselves feel worse by their distorted "self-talk." Some examples of negative self-talk are: I always screw up. I am always forgetting things. I always get lost. I will never be happy. Awareness of these common distortions reminds us to see things as they are, not as what they appear to be.

2. Impulse Control Many authors say that the ability to control your impulses is a sign of high EI. I believe, however, that there are also times when it is a sigh of high EI to quickly follow your heart or instincts. When to follow your impulses and when not to is probably a combination of several factors including your innate level of EI, the degree to which you had an emotionally secure childhood and adolescence, and your life experience. 3. Delaying Gratification Balancing emotion and reason also leads to the ability to delay gratification when it is in our best interest. When starting a business, for example, long hours are required initially, but the rewards can be great. In 1996 a commonly cited example of the positive effects from having the ability to delay gratification is the marshmallow study. In this study, a group of four-year-olds were given the chance to have one marshmallow immediately, or receive two after the researcher returned a short time later. When the children reached high school, researchers found that those who had waited generally were happier, had more friends, and were more confident, persistent and adventurous. They also scored an average of 210 points higher on their SAT's. Many people have said that this study was also measuring an aspect of the child's emotional intelligence. But I am not so sure. I suspect it was also a function of how the children had been raised for the first four years of their life, as well as other aspects of their personality not necessarily related to their innate level of EI. But in any case, knowing when to delay gratification and when to "go for it" now, could be a part of a healthy developed level of EI. 4. Emotional Detachment and Connection If we are not connected to our feelings, we have nothing against which to balance our reason. If we make decisions and form relationships strictly based on logic, we are likely to miss out on many joys in life by thinking of all the practical reasons not to experience pleasure. Emotionally detached people are unable to experience emotional intimacy, for example, since they can not relate to someone else's feelings until they have gotten in touch with their own. Finally, if we are not in touch with our feelings, we may fail to listen to our conscience, and feel no remorse for causing harm to others. In most cases, such socially irresponsible behavior eventually comes back to harm us as well.

AWARENESS Without awareness of our feelings and what causes them, it is impossible to lead a happy life. We may be able to lead a productive life, even a successful life, if one defines success by the level of status or material worth. But to lead a happy life, we absolutely must know what feels good and what does not. We must also know what is likely to feel good in the future based on an accurate self-awareness. To be fully aware of our feelings we must acknowledge them, accept them, and identify them. Acknowledging Our Feelings Our feelings want our attention. They call out to us in many ways. They send us signals through the mind and through the body. If we do not acknowledge them, they relentlessly continue to pursue our attention. A good example of this is guilt. All of us have done things we feel guilty for. If you reflect for a moment, you can probably begin to tick off many actions from your past which still bring guilt. Recently, it has become increasingly popular to attempt to thwart nature's intricate guidance system. More and more people try to meditate, medicate, exercise, work, distract, smoke, drink, hope, wish, or pray their feelings away. For example, millions of people lead unhealthy, stressful lives and then either (a) attempt to burn off their stress and calories after work in exercise gyms, (b) go out drinking after work and on weekends, or (c) flood their brains with television. Rather than acknowledging the stress, identifying its causes, and taking action to remove the sources of the stress, they get caught in a vicious cycle. They struggle to earn more and more money, so they can afford more and more distractions to relieve the mounting stress and expanding emptiness from their unfulfilling lives. Nature's purpose for negative emotions is to call our attention to the causes of our negative feelings. Man has corrupted this process by treating the symptoms. By so doing, we are fighting literally millions of years of evolution, and I'm afraid, destined to fail in our battle. Generation Rx Not only are more adults turning to medication to eliminate the unpleasant symptoms of their unhealthy lifestyles, but a growing number of parents are putting their children on mind-altering prescription drugs. I am extremely

disturbed by the number of exceptionally bright children I meet who are bored at school and neglected at home, and then put on medication to make them easier to control. In my experience, behavioral problems are, almost without fail, signs that something is wrong in the home. To quash the messages that our children are indirectly sending us, without discovering the meaning of the message, is like turning off the fire alarm because it annoys us, while the flames spread throughout the neighborhood. 2008 Note - I wrote the above in 1996, before I had ever counseled any suicidal teenagers. Now I can say with certainty that the teenagers I have worked with who are depressed and suicidal do not need drugs. What they need is emotionally supportive homes and schools. Their emotional needs are simply not being met and this is causing them pain, just like we have hunger pains when go without food. If we would listen to these teenagers, we could re-design our schools and societies to prevent needless depression and loss of life. Identifying Specific Feelings After acknowledging that there is some unpleasant feeling, it helps to identify the feeling as specifically as possible. For example, when we are angry, it helps to be more precise. We might get angry for any number of reasons. Perhaps we are afraid of losing control. Perhaps we are afraid of physical danger. Perhaps we feel disrespected or ignored. The more specific we are, the more accurate we can be in identifying the source of the feeling. See alsol this section on anger. The more we practice identifying our emotions, the better we get at quickly selecting the correct name for the feeling. Each time we identify an emotion and assign a label to it, our minds remember the circumstances surrounding the emotion, and the label that we attached to it. As we get better at choosing appropriate responses, we are actually retraining our minds. If we are fast learners, this process comes relatively quickly. Most of us can learn just about whatever we set our minds to, so if we have low EQ, chances are good it is only because we lacked either high EQ role models, or the proper instruction, not because we lacked ability. Once an emotion is identified, it is important to think about what it is trying to tell you. Each emotion comes bearing a gift of information for us. Our job is to figure out what the information means to us, and then use the information wisely. An important point to note is that we often feel many emotions at the same time. Sometimes our feelings may even seem to contradict each other, but each has a message and a purpose. For example, I might feel insulted or offended by something someone said, yet feel admiration for the person who had the courage to tell me the truth. Timing A high EQ person is aware of her feelings in "real time." In other words, she acknowledges her feelings as she is feeling them. She can say to herself: Wow, I am really feeling jealous, afraid, inspired, appreciated, proud, defensive, etc. If we don't acknowledge our feelings as they occur, we may miss the chance to learn from them. Most of our lives are excessively busy, so we are unlikely to make the time later to reflect on our emotions and listen to their messages. Instead, we keep working harder and harder. (If you have read George Orwell's Animal Farm, you might remember this was the horse's response to the corrupt society.) As a result of ignoring our feelings, many of us stay in unhappy, unhealthy situations for years upon years. In fact, if we are not in tune with our feelings we may become like the frog who isn't smart enough to know when to jump out of the water as the water slowly reaches a boil. Almost incredibly, it has been shown that even when the frog could easily jump out, he will remain until cooked to death, if the change in temperature is gradual enough. The Value of Reflection From my own personal experience, identifying feelings as they occur takes a lot of practice. I can remember many times when I felt strong negative feelings, but I wasn't able to identify them at the time. Sometimes I didn't get the chance to reflect on them until I was alone several hours later. During one meeting I was facilitating, one of the participants was very disruptive and negative. I was caught totally off guard and felt very disoriented when I left the meeting. It wasn't until later that evening as I entered notes into my journal, that I realized that I had accumulated a long list of negative feelings. By taking the time to reflect on my feelings, I was able to learn from the experience and take corrective action. Should such a situation occur again, I suspect I would be much more likely to catch myself and take immediate steps before the meeting was seriously affected.Distinguishing Between Productive and Counter-Productive Feelings Sometimes our feeling brain will send us exaggerated signals of distress. EQ research explains that this is because fear leaves such strong imprints in the brain--the more the fear, the deeper the imprint. The reason for this is, of

course, our survival instinct. Each time we are confronted with threatening situations, it is the job of the upper brain to assess the severity of the danger before the lower brain initiates an emotionally impulsive knee-jerk response to the perceived threat. In modern day society, these threats are primarily non-life threatening, but our survival instinct causes us to respond as if we were in physical danger. Evolution, it seems, hasn't caught on to the fact that we are no longer threatened by tigers and bears on a daily basis. Nowadays, it is primarily our egos which are threatened. If we respond as if our lives were in danger, we often make the situation worse for ourselves, which obviously isn't too smart. For example, if someone hurts your reputation, the lower brain might say, "This is a disaster. This guy has ruined me. He had no right to do what he did. I feel like shooting him." Obviously, such a response, if acted upon, would be counter-productive to long-term happiness. The upper brain helps us focus on more productive feelings, say for example, the desire for restitution. Proper role modeling, emotional skills training, good decision making skills, and a clear sense of purpose all help increase the odds of selecting productive, rather than counter-productive responses. Forecasting Feelings Ability to Forecast Feelings An extremely important skill deriving from emotional awareness is the ability to forecast our emotions. We do this by pausing to consider how we will feel if we choose one course of action as opposed to another. The value of this ability can not be overstated. Only when we can predict our feelings in advance can we make decisions which will lead to our happiness. Consider these statements: I know I am going to regret this. I know I will feel guilty if I do this. versus It's going to feel so good to... I know I will feel better if I ... In the first case, our prediction of negative feelings is trying to help us avoid something. In the second case, our prediction of positive feelings helps motivate us. Making better decisions requires only that we listen to our inner messages. Our feelings are literally the inner voice that guides us. We just need to listen. Paris A personal example of forecasting emotions is when I was in Paris recently. I was on the train to the airport to fly home. I had mixed feelings about leaving. During the entire 30 minute train trip, I was debating whether I "should" leave or not. I had a flexible ticket and I knew I could easily stay a few more days. I tried to forecast my feelings if I were to stay and if I were to leave. I thought about how I would feel sitting on the airplane home. I knew that I would be asking myself why I left. That thought told me I would feel regret for leaving. I thought about the parks and the cafes in Paris. I was beginning to feel the regret already. At the same time, I felt an obligation to follow my original plans. I didn't know quite where this feeling of obligation was coming from, but I felt it. I felt something was forcing me to leave against my will. My upper brain said, "You don't need to go home, just because your ticket says so." But my lower brain was reluctant to concede to this logic. Eventually, though, my upper brain won that little battle, and I changed trains and returned to Paris. On the train back to town I felt renewed, as if I had been given a few extra days of life. I realized that I had indeed been given a gift-- a gift from me to myself. RESPONSIBILITY The most empowering decision we can make is to take responsibility for our feelings. The issue of responsibility is not often associated with emotions. To be self-reliant and responsible citizens, however, we must take responsibility for our own well being, including our own mental and emotional health. In addition, our emotions motivate us to make choices which lead to our actions and behavior. To take responsibility for our lives, then, means we must take responsibility for our emotions. More specifically, we must take responsibility for our actions which are largely motivated by our thoughts, our values, our fears, our desires, and our beliefs. Responsibility for Our Actions Taking responsibility for our actions involves examination of our motives. Some of these motives are our fears, our desires, our values, our beliefs, and our resulting thoughts. Let's take a look at each of these to see how they each affect our feelings, and how we can take more control over them.

Fears and Desires Virtually all of our actions are motivated by one of two basic emotions: fear or desire. See if you agree after looking at the lists below: FEARS Fear of disapproval Fear of rejection Fear of failure Fear of losing control Fear of dying Fear of losing our jobs Fear of offending others Fear of being alone Fear of pain Fear of uncertainty DESIRES Desire for wealth Desire for happiness Desire for success Desire for acceptance Desire for approval Desire for security Desire for certainty Desire for pleasure Desire for power Desire for growth The relative degree to which we are motivated by each of our fears and desires depends largely on our individual values. For example, if we value security, we will be more afraid of uncertainty, failure, rejection, and disapproval. As a result, we will take fewer risks and stay closer to home. On the other hand if we value freedom, we will take more risks, be less concerned with acceptance, and venture further from our roots. Values Our values also affect our motivations and our feelings. What we value tells us what is important to us. When something is important to us, we want it, and if we don't get it we are either upset or afraid. Here are some of the things we may value: Accomplishment Appearances Cleanliness Conformity Creativity Efficiency Entertainment Fame Freedom Happiness Honesty Independence Integrity Knowledge Manners Money Obedience Organization Power Relationships Security Serenity

Status Tradition Truth Winning Wisdom

Social Values Since our personal values are strongly influenced by the values of those around us, it is useful to take a close look at your social values. One quick way to do that is to examine how people in your society or social circle spend their time and money. For example, do they spend it on personal development or impersonal distraction? Do they go to natural parks or amusement parks? Do they go to the library or to sports events? Do they spend time developing meaningful relationships or insulating themselves from other people? What kinds of books do they read? What kinds of movies do they watch? What kind of TV shows? When I look at the western world, I see people increasingly spending time and money on cars, clothing, cosmetics, appearances, material goods, electronic gadgets, video games, and every type of entertainment imaginable. All of this, I am afraid, comes as much from our emotional impoverishment as it does from our financial enrichment.Beliefs We each are unique in what is important to us. This is one reason our feelings vary so greatly amongst us. Another reason our feelings differ is because of the differences in our beliefs. For example, if you believe it is wrong to lie, you will be more upset with dishonesty than will someone who thinks lies are just a part of life. One reason values and beliefs are so important is because they are underlying influences on our thoughts and feelings. We may not always consciously realize that we are operating from the basis of a belief or a value, but generally that is exactly what we are doing. Consider this seemingly simple question: Where do you want to go eat? The answer to this question depends. It depends on, among other things, your values and beliefs. For instance, if you value healthy food, you will avoid certain type of restaurants. If you believe that eating meat is immoral, this too will affect your decision. If you believe that a certain chain of restaurants is unsanitary, you won't patronize them. You may also believe it is good to patronize local restaurants. Whether you value speed, atmosphere, service, taste, or price, they each make a difference in your choice. We can see, then, that actually there are many factors affecting your decision. It is unlikely that you are aware that you are subconsciously processing all this information--but you are just the same. If you know yourself well, i.e. if you know what is important to you and what will feel good to you, your decision is much easier. If you don't, you will either make choices you regret, or you will be stuck in indecision. If we have never examined our beliefs, we don't really recognize their impact on our feelings. If someone questions our beliefs, for example, we may get angry. We may mistakenly think that they caused us to get angry by their impertinence. What we don't realize is that we are actually afraid of our belief being shattered. To many of us, the thought of our most fundamental and sacredly held beliefs being questioned is extremely threatening. The less secure we are in those beliefs, the more threatened we feel. At any rate, to really take responsibility for our lives, we must take responsibility for our actions, the feelings that motivate the actions, and the beliefs and values which prompt the feelings. Each of us has undoubtedly picked up some, if not many, beliefs which are hazardous to our mental health. Such beliefs are dysfunctional beliefs. They are counter-productive to our goal of being happy because we waste so much time and energy trying to reconcile the real world with our world of make-believe. (The term make-believe is an appropriate one, since adults often literally make children believe things that no amount of observation, experience, or reason could ever substantiate.) Thoughts Our thoughts also have a major impact on our feelings. For instance, most of us can make ourselves angry merely by thinking about something which really bothers us. Likewise, if we think of pleasant things, we feel better. Many people, though, think they have no choice but to react the way they do. They think events cause their reactions. In other words they think this is how things work: Event (A) causes Reaction (B) A----------->B Instead, what actually happens is more like this:

Event (A) triggers Thoughts, Beliefs, Values, and Emotions (B) which cause Reaction (C). A--------> B -------->C Let's use the example of you coming out of the store to find your new car dented, with no note in sight. Thought: Oh, my God! Oh, no! This is terrible. My brand new car! This will cost a fortune! I don't have time for this now. I can't afford to get this fixed. I don't know if this is going to be covered. I am afraid I let my insurance run out. Values: The appearance of the car, the cost of fixing it, the principle of taking responsibility for denting someone else's car. Beliefs: It is wrong for someone to dent a car and drive off. People should leave notes on cars when they dent them. People should be more careful. Cars shouldn't have dents in them. In situations like this, what you think definitely affects your feelings. By applying a little EQ, you acknowledge your feelings and use your upper brain to soothe your emotions, rather than to work yourself up. You literally select your thoughts based on their effect on your feelings. If one set of thinking is just making you feel worse, you take another approach (assuming it is still based on reality). If you can apply EQ to regulate your thoughts, select your values and beliefs, and regulate your emotional state, you are going to be in almost full control of your reactions. This gives you a tremendous feeling of being in control, and helps free you from the rut of your outdated patterns of thinking and responding. Our thoughts also cause us to blame others for our emotions. Often we think that other people "shouldn't" do the things they do, so we blame them for our feelings. Consider the following common expressions. In each case we are avoiding taking personal responsibility for our emotions. She made me so angry. He makes me so jealous. He hurt me so much. In each case, we are focusing our attention and our thoughts on the other person. In so doing, we are avoiding looking at ourselves to see what it is about us that causes us to be so upset. Without fail, when we are hurt, angry, upset, etc. there is something important to us which we believe has been compromised. To take responsibility for our feelings, instead of focusing our thoughts on other people, we look only at ourselves to try to understand the cause of our reaction. (An exception to this general statement is if we are physically hurt by someone.) When we do this, we learn about ourselves. We find out what beliefs and values we hold sacred. Most of these were probably instilled upon us as children. When we were young, we generally either were not permitted to adopt our own beliefs and values, or we never considered doing so. But part of our responsibility as adults is to examine our beliefs and values to see which are causing us unhappiness. By examining ourselves, we open the door to making changes which will make us happier. If we only focus on those outside us who we erroneously think are "making" us feel what we feel, we will get caught up in trying to change them. We will try in vain to hold them responsible and them accountable for our feelings. Such an approach is sure to bring frustration, as all of us who have tried it can attest! Taking personal responsibility for our feelings, on the other hand, is tremendously empowering. When we take responsibility, we take control. We acknowledge that we are in charge and that others don't make us do or feel things. Instead, we see that everything we do is a choice based on our needs, our beliefs, our values, our fears, and desires. Taking Care of Our Emotions Another aspect of responsibility is to nurture our own emotions and mental health. By taking care of our mental health we raise our level of happiness and lower our likelihood of physical illness. Besides that, by taking care of ourselves, we are actually in a better position to help others. If we are miserable, for example, we can be of little help to anyone seeking happiness. Likewise, when we are unhappy or unhealthy we are a burden to others. Therefore, we must take care of ourselves. The three primary ways we do this are by: 1. Not hurting ourselves 2. Accepting our feelings

3. Setting our boundaries 1. Not hurting ourselves- A simple, but often overlooked, responsibility in caring for ourselves, is to not hurt ourselves. The truth in the saying that we are our own worst enemies is a sad reflection of pervasive low selfesteem. Many people needlessly go through life at war with themselves. On one hand they say: I have to... I should... I am expected to ... I have an obligation to... I am supposed to... I must... It's my duty to...I need to... On the other hand they are saying and feeling: I don't want to... I hate... I can't ...I resent having to... I feel obligated... I feel trapped... I feel guilty... I feel forced...I mustn't... I shouldn't.. If we are benevolent caretakers of our own emotions, we learn to become our own best friends rather than worst enemies. But how does one treat a friend? A good starting point is found in the physician's Hippocratic oath: First, do no harm. The vast majority of us, however, violate this rule in these five ways: 1. Judging ourselves - That was a stupid thing I did. - I am too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short. - I shouldn't feel this way. 2. Questioning ourselves & regretting our choices - Why didn't I think of this sooner? - How could I have been so dumb? - What is wrong with me? 3. Labeling ourselves - I am a loser, a failure, an idiot, a klutz, a disaster 4. Limiting and imprisoning ourselves - This is just the way I am. I could never ... - I'll never change. 5. Discouraging ourselves - There is no point in trying. I'll probably fail. All of the above is beating yourself up, i.e., self-abuse. You wouldn't do that to someone you really cared for...would you? 2. Accepting our feelings - Accepting our feelings means simply allowing ourselves to feel what we feel without judging, ignoring, defending or denying our feelings. Whatever we feel is real to us at that moment, and it is always smart to accept reality rather than try to fight it. Accepting and acknowledging our negative feelings, for example, immediately triggers our upper brain to work on possible remedies. This may occur at the subconscious level, but it does occur, so long as you acknowledge the feeling. Accepting your feelings is a big part of self-acceptance; and self-acceptance is universally proposed as a first step to all personal growth. 3. Setting boundaries - After you have accepted your feelings, you can use them to help you set the personal boundaries that are right for you. Only you can know what feels right for you and what you feel comfortable with. Therefore, only you can be responsible for setting your boundaries. By clearly expressing your feelings you let people know "where they stand." When you are uncomfortable about something, simply say "I feel uncomfortable about this," or, "I don't feel good about this." If you choose to, explain why you feel the way you do. Be aware, however, that feeling the need to defend your feelings may either be a sign that your feelings are being questioned by someone, or that you feel insecure in expressing them. Most people will respect our boundaries or try to reach a compromise with us if we clearly express our feelings. It is our responsibility, though, to communicate our feelings rather than expect them to read our minds or just "know" what is acceptable and what is not. Part of EQ is knowing how to express ourselves in an assertive, but not aggressive way. If we do not make our boundaries clear, we are partially responsible if someone crosses them. At the same time, if we have clearly expressed our feelings and someone repeatedly disrespects them, it is helpful to ask ourselves what kind of relationship we want to have with them. In other words, we ask: "Is this worth it?" Until we have become aware of our feelings and can accurately predict them, it will be difficult to answer that question. But whatever we decide, if we realize that we are making a conscious choice, we are less likely to later feel resentful or bitter. In the same way, if we have bitter feelings about something that has already happened, it

helps to look for the ways we contributed to the situation. When we do this we take the focus off of blaming others, and we are able to learn about ourselves to prevent a future recurrence. Accepting responsibility helps us learn. The process of learning not only empowers us, but it helps release the resentment, bitterness, disappointment we are feeling towards others. Responsibility to Others Living in a free society requires that we respect each other's needs. The respect for another person's needs is actually not only a responsibility, but it is in our own best interest in the long run. This is because others tend to treat us as we treat them. Additionally, if we treat others irresponsibly, they will eventually band together and restrain us, causing us to lose our freedom. Do No Harm - The first responsibility to others is the same as that to ourselves: Do no harm. From an emotional standpoint this means to not damage the self-esteem of other people. At the same time, there will be occasions when not saying something is equivalent to allowing someone to hurt herself. In other words, since silence can mean tacit approval, you may be enabling someone's unhealthy behavior by standing idly by while she continues on a course of self-destruction. At such difficult times, compassion, empathy, and other EQ skills will help keep the relationship together while the truth is presented. There are many ways you can harm someone psychologically but perhaps the most lethal is invalidation. Invalidation is the rejection, repudiation, denial, diminishment, or judgment of someone's feelings. It is so damaging and so prevalent that an entire chapter has been devoted to it. Here, let me just stress that invalidation is extremely harmful to someone's self- esteem and emotional welfare. Honesty is the Best Policy - Another responsibility we each have to one another is to be honest. Society relies on truthful communication. Without truth, commitments cannot be relied upon, information cannot be trusted, and good decisions cannot be made. Lying and withholding information is manipulative and controlling. All of this applies to the communication and expression of emotions. If we do not honestly express our feelings, others cannot know where they stand. Thus they are unable to make decisions which are in their best interests. Not only does honest expression of feelings help others, but it helps us build close relationships, since few people want to associate with those who can't or won't express their true intentions. Summary To summarize, we act responsibly when we: • Do no harm to ourselves or others. • Take responsibility for our values, beliefs, and thoughts. • Take responsibility for our own emotions. • Take responsibility for our own happiness. • Do not blame others for our unhappiness. • Set boundaries. • Validate our emotions & the emotions of others. • Communicate our feelings honestly.

EMPATHY To show empathy is to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to both feel your own feelings and identify them. If you have never felt a certain feeling, it will be hard for you to understand how another person is feeling. This holds equally true for pleasure and pain. If for example, you have never put your hand in a flame, you will not know the pain of fire. And if you have not experienced sexual passion, you will not understand its power. People who have experienced great depths of emotional extremes may, therefore, have the potential to be the most empathetic. Likewise, those who have limited emotional ranges are commonly thought of as cold and uncaring. We say that people like this "can't relate" to others. What we mean is that they can not relate to our feelings

because they haven't experienced or acknowledged their own. Awareness & Acknowledgment Empathy begins with awareness of another person's feelings. It would be easier to be aware of other people's emotions if they would simply tell us how they felt. But since most people do not, we must resort to asking questions, reading between the lines, guessing, and trying to interpret non-verbal cues. Emotionally expressive people are easiest to read, of course, with their eyes and faces letting us know how they are feeling. Once we have figured out how another person feels, we show empathy by acknowledging the emotion. We may say, for example, - I can see you are really uncomfortable about this. - I can understand why you would be upset. We can also show empathy through a simple sign of affection such as hug or a tender touch. Sensitivity In addition to being aware of another's feelings, empathy includes showing sensitivity to their feelings. The first rule of sensitivity is to not invalidate their feelings by belittling diminishing, rejecting, judging, or ignoring them. Even apathy is better than invalidation. For example, just a simple acknowledgment without any real empathy is much better than totally ignoring someone's feeling. Sensitivity means treating others' emotions with "kid gloves." In our insecure world most of us have had our feelings hurt so many times that we are literally the walking wounded. Sensitivity also means being receptive to others' cues, particularly the non-verbal ones such as facial expressions. This is similar to a highly sensitive radio antenna which can pick up faint signals. The more information you are able to receive, the more you can help them and yourself. This does not mean, however, that you should feel responsible for another person's feelings, or that you should lie or withhold the truth to protect them. Compassion and Understanding Generally speaking, the more information you have on a subject, the more you understand it. By collecting information about other people's feelings, you get to know them better. This almost always leads to a deeper understanding, which in turn leads to greater compassion. As you get to know others, you will usually see how similar their needs and feelings are to yours. This helps you identify with them, relate to them, and thus, empathize with them. Because we are all human, we share basic human needs. The more we really get to know others, the more this becomes evident. Sometimes we have already made our minds up about someone, perhaps by labeling or categorizing them. Nothing destroys empathy, understanding, and relationships quicker than judging and labeling someone. Chapter Three -- Emotional Literacy Finding the right words is a big step in developing emotional intelligence. The purpose for developing our emotional literacy is to precisely identify and communicate our feelings. A good working vocabulary is essential to this end. Also, we can't be too intelligent about any subject if we don't have the words to describe, discuss and explain it. In this chapter, therefore, we will look at some basic feeling words and some examples of how to communicate our feelings. We will also look at how we often miscommunicate our feelings, either intentionally or unintentionally. The Basics I suggest you learn emotional literacy the same way you learned to speak: by starting with simple sentences. For example, think about your feelings and try to describe them with three word sentences like these: I feel sad.I feel rejected.I feel motivated.I feel appreciated.I feel understood.I feel accepted.I feel hurt.I feel resented.I feel abandoned.I feel cared about.I feel trusted.I feel interrogated.I feel afraid.I feel safe.Although this might appear very simple in theory, I have found that in practice it is actually very difficult for many of us. I suspect this is partly because there are so few role models of people who do it and partly because in can be a bit risky to express our true feelings. One of the risks, for example, is that we will could have our feelings invalidated in one way or another. Many, if not most of us, simply have not been taught to express our feelings directly. We never received any formal instruction on expressing our feelings or even identifying them. We were taught the names of countries and capitals, plants and trees, rivers and rocks, presidents and philosophers, chemicals and triangles, but we were never taught the names of our feelings.

In other words, we were taught to think and memorize, not to feel. That's why we talk about our thoughts, and the events or people which trigger the feelings, but not the feelings themselves. When asked how we feel, we often respond by saying what we think rather than how we feel. The value of simple three word sentences can not be over-stated. A straightforward, three word sentence stating how we feel opens the door to great insight into our personalities, including our needs, our fears, our beliefs, and our desires. Such statements really get to the heart of our personality. This is exactly why we don't often hear honest expressions of feelings in our quick-to-criticize society. When we share our true feelings, we make ourselves vulnerable. Though we may choose who we share our feelings with, it is still important to have the ability to express our feelings, even if only for our own self-knowledge. A story about thoughts and feelings Are Thoughts and Feelings the Same Thing? After a group discussion one night, I asked everyone to quickly share how they felt. The first person began his initial sentence with "I think..." and then started to give an analysis of the evening. Several people reminded him the purpose was to express only his feelings. He said, "It's the same thing, isn't it?" When he continued speaking, he again began with "I think..." He obviously felt very uncomfortable and rambled on for several minutes about his thoughts, but was not able to tell us how he felt.A Short List of Feelings Here are some of the basic feelings to get you started. A much more complete list of over 2,000 feeling words is available here.

Feeling words not only express a feeling, but they also express the intensity of the feeling. By expressing intensity, they communicate the degree to which our needs are being met and our values and beliefs are being upheld. Accurately capturing the intensity of an emotion is critical to judging the message our feelings are sending. If we either exaggerate or minimize the feeling, we are distorting reality and undermining the effectiveness of our communication. The two most common ways to verbally express the intensity of a feeling are: 1. Weighting the feeling with a modifier. For example: I feel a little hurt. I feel extremely hurt. 2. Choosing a specific word on the continuum of that emotion. I feel: disturbed... angry ... incensed. On a Scale of 0-10 Something I find very helpful is to use the familiar 0-10 scale. For example, if I feel just a little hurt and I expect it to pass quickly I might give it a 1 or a 2. And when I ask someone how they feel I often ask them to tell me how much they feel that way, between 0 and 10. I find this greatly improves our communication and mutual understanding, often leading to much more sharing and closeness than would have otherwise occurred with more usual exchanges. Here are some continuums to help you see the range of emotions within various groups. (As you can see,sometimes you can have too much of a good thing.) Pleasure/Pain

Power/Control/Responsibility

Connection

Acceptance

Justice

Freedom

Direction/Focus

Status

Desire/Interest

Safety/Security

Miscommunicating Often, it is socially unacceptable to directly express certain emotions. We are too afraid of offending others, too afraid of appearing unhappy or unhealthy, and too afraid of social disapproval. Sadly, we live in a world where appearances matter more than reality. This seems to be especially true in the upper classes of society where conformity and etiquette are so important. So instead of truthfully expressing our feelings clearly and directly, we express the same emotions indirectly, either through our actions or our body language. Sometimes we actually outright lie about our feelings. When we start to hide our feelings, lie about them, or tell people only what we think they want to hear, we diminish the value of communication. This reminds me of something Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: The corruption of man is followed by the corruption of language. Let's look at some examples of how we corrupt the language of feelings. Masking Our Real Feelings - There are many ways we mask our real feelings. Sometimes we just plain lie about them, for example when someone says she is "fine," though she is obviously is irritated, worried, or stressed. Sometimes we intentionally or unintentionally substitute one feeling for another. Consider the following:

:

Notice that wishing, hoping and praying are usually impassive responses to a situation. This defeats nature's purpose for emotions, which is to move us to take pro-active action in all of these situations. Inconsistency - Often, our tone of voice or our body language contradicts the words we are saying. None of us can totally hide our true feelings, but many of us do try to disguise our voices to go along with the act. People who are especially superficial even adopt the cosmetic voices found on television in order to further conform to societal expectations, and further mask their true feelings. Overuse - One of the ways we corrupt language is to over-use a word. Consider the word "love." We love corn on the cob, root beer, apple pie, and our mothers. Doesn't it seem there should be a different word for the way we feel about our parents as opposed to food? Hate is another word which is tremendously overused. If someone hates traffic, hates spinach, and hates lawyers, how can they express their feelings about child abuse? Exaggeration - When we exaggerate our feelings we are lying in order to get attention. People who need to exaggerate have had their feelings neglected for so long, they have resorted to dramatization to be noticed and cared about. Unfortunately, when they send out false signals, they alienate people and risk becoming like the boy who cried wolf. As the story goes, because he sent out too many false alarms, he was ignored when he truly needed help. Consider these exclamations, none of which are typically true in a literal sense: I feel mortified. I feel devastated. I feel crushed. I feel decimated. I felt run over by a truck. Minimization - Many people minimize their feelings, particularly when they are upset, worried or depressed. They use expressions such as: I'm fine. I'll be alright. I'm okay, don't worry about me. There is nothing wrong. I said I was fine. Such people typically are either too proud, too stubborn, too scared or feel too unworthy to share their feelings. They desperately need to be connected with others, but they will not allow others to get close to them. They effectively push people away by withholding their true feelings. Indirect Communication Because we are not skilled at directly expressing our feelings, we often use indirect communication of our emotions such as by using examples, figures of speech, and non-verbal communication. Let's look at a few of these forms of indirect communication. I Feel Like .... Using sentences that begin with "I feel like..." may be the most common form of communicating our feelings. The literal result is that we often feel like labels, thoughts, and behaviors, as we can see below: I feel like (a label) - In the examples below we are labeling ourselves, and not clearly and directly expressing our feelings. I feel like: ... an idiot ... a baby ... a third wheel ... an imbecile ... a step-child ... a spring chicken ... a moron We typically employ a tremendous number of expressions which put ourselves down. These negative labels certainly don't make us feel any better about ourselves. In fact, by mentally branding us, they make it more likely we will repeat the exact kinds of actions which caused our feelings. I feel like (a thought) - In these examples we are actually conveying more of a thought than a feeling. I feel like you are crazy. I feel like it was wrong. I feel like he is going to win. I feel like (a behavior) - Here, we are expressing our feelings in the form of a behavior. Again, these are unclear and indirect. They may be graphic and entertaining, but they are usually exaggerations and distortions which don't help us focus on our true feelings. I feel like: ... strangling him ... shooting him ... wringing his neck ... telling her off ... teaching him a lesson ... filing for divorce ... dumping him ... quitting ... giving up ... jumping off of a cliff In other words, people who use such expressions feel like a behavior, an action, an act. Thus, they are not living their own lives, they are just acting the parts they identify with. They are experiencing their feelings, not as they

feel them, but as they think others would experience them. They are living vicariously, superficially... artificially. Non-verbal Communication Studies show that up to 90 percent of our communication is non-verbal. When we communicate non-verbally our bodies are literally expressing themselves. When Shakespeare said: The eyes are the windows to the soul he was implying the eyes are the best non-verbal indicator of our emotional and intellectual state of mind. For example, we think of those who will not look us in the eyes as untrustworthy, dishonest, afraid or insecure. We think of those who have alert, expressive eyes as intelligent, energetic, and emotional. Our eyes have the power to judge, to attract, and to frighten. Through our eyes we can show: interest, boredom, disbelief, surprise, terror, disgust, approval, and disapproval. Many parents can bring their children to tears, for example, without saying a word. While the eyes are not the only area of expression on the body, they are certainly the subject of much welldeserved attention. Consider the many references to them: "You could see it in his eyes," "Furrowed eyebrows," "Shifty eyes," "Bright eyes," "Eyes that light up," "Glazed-over eyes," "Expressive Eyes," "Cold stare," "Sad eyes," "Vacant eyes," "Intense eyes," "Bedroom eyes," "Flirtatious eyes," etc. Here are a few other expressions and descriptions concerning body language: "It was written all over his face," "Trembling lips," "Pursed lips," "Weak knees," "Stiff upper lip," "Cold hands," "Fidgety," "Tapping feet and fingers," "Head hung low," "Nervous twitch," "Nail biting," "Pulling his hair out," "Scratching his head," "Shifty," "Cold stare," "Evil grin," "Folded arms," etc. Research shows that those with high EQ are better at reading these non-verbal cues. This gives them valuable information, particularly from people who are not expressing themselves verbally, or whose body language is inconsistent with their words. Summary After we learn to find the right word for our feeling and its intensity, the next step is explaining why we feel what we feel. At this point, our analytical brain is called into action. We actually make things much easier on ourselves and others when our language is clear, direct, and precise. When our words and our non-verbal communication is consistent, we gain respect because we come across as having integrity. Clear, honest communication is not only helpful in personal relationships, but essential to a society. We are simply all better off when we all follow the old rule: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Note - This chapter has not yet been edited to change the use of the term "EQ". I wrote this chapter before I realized the important difference between a child's innate emotional intelligence potential and what happens to that potential over time. So please keep in mind that when you see me say "EQ" I do not mean the person's innate level of EI. I mean what their emotional skills are. See the page on definitions of emotional intelligence for more on this distinction. S. Hein.

Chapter Four - EQ and Self-Esteem Self-esteem is the composite of all our feelings about ourselves. Perhaps the best definition of self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Of all our feelings, those which we have about ourselves are clearly the most important to our success and happiness. Our feelings about ourselves determine our confidence, our motivation, and our worthiness. These feelings begin to take shape in the first few years of our lives, and unless we make a conscious effort to change them, follow us to our grave. In this chapter we look at the relationship between EQ and these most important self-feelings which form our self-esteem. Childhood Pre-school Years In the first few months of our lives, our self-concept begins to take form. Fresh from the womb, perhaps even

before, we begin to feel either wanted or unwanted, loved or unloved, safe or scared, significant or insignificant, valued or unvalued. Soon after, these feelings become feelings of good or bad, adequate or inadequate. Still later they turn into feelings of competent or incompetent, confident or insecure, liked or disliked, respected or disrespected, trusted or distrusted. All of these feelings initially come from the family environment, then as we venture out into the world, they come from the school and social environment. In fact, some of the strongest influences on our self-esteem come from our religious programming, to the extent that we were subjected to it. As our self-esteem is being developed, our level of EQ is also taking shape. Particularly in the pre-school years, what EQ we have comes primarily from our parents, relatives, and siblings. Likewise our feelings reflect the predominant feelings in the family, since children soak up emotions as well as information. If our primary needs our being adequately met, our self-esteem will be high. Some of these primary needs include the need to feel: loved, valued, important, significant, wanted, respected, trusted, approved of, listened to, and touched. If these primary needs were not met, our self-esteem suffers. School Years The school environment is critical to both our emotional development and our self-esteem. Generally speaking, whatever characteristics we bring from home are reinforced at school. For example, if a child is intelligent, confident, and friendly, both teachers and other students are likely to further bolster her positive self-image. On the other hand, if the child is angry or insecure and is a poor academic performer, students and teachers may label and ostracize the child, resulting in feelings of inferiority and rejection. Not surprisingly, research shows that children from troubled homes are the most likely to display early signs of low EQ such as emotional, academic, behavioral, and social problems. Because of instability in the home, the child is afraid and insecure. These conditions make it hard to concentrate academically and hard to fit in socially. In addition, children from troubled homes are found to have these specific characteristics in the early school years: • Poor impulse control • Poor listening skills • Poor concentration skills • Low self-confidence • Poor study habits • Poor social skills including: - Attempting to inappropriately push their way into groups. - Talking only about themselves. - Interrupting and switching the topic of the conversation. - Lacking empathy and showing insensitivity. - Judging, criticizing, and invalidating others. - Over-aggressiveness or over-timidness All of these will obviously result in further damage to the self-esteem through rejection and disapproval by both peers and teachers. If our needs were met at home, however, we were much more likely to perform well academically as well as socially. Successes in both areas are major sources of confidence for children, so if we started out on the right track, we most likely continued on it. In other words, the pattern of our self-esteem is set at a very early age. Likewise, the pattern of our emotional intelligence is set at an early age as we watched how our parents expressed their feelings and resolved conflicts. Here are two contrasting scenarios: Low EQ Parents modeled: • Indirect expression of emotions, such as silence, disapproving facial expressions or acts of anger • Blame, guilt, stress, fear, hopelessness, defensiveness, disappointment , and unhappiness • Denial of, and/or covering up of problems • Verbal or physical abuse and violence • Emotional irresponsibility

High EQ Parents modeled: • Affection, hugging, touching, and tenderness • Love, warmth, acceptance, encouragement, approval, empathy • Cheerfulness, joy, gratitude • Confidence, enthusiasm, optimism • Direct expression of emotions • Emotional responsibility Needless to say, our childhood environments made a huge difference in our early emotional states, our EQ's and our self-esteem. Now let's see how self-esteem and EQ are related in adulthood. Adulthood As adults, we have the opportunity to take control of our emotional lives and raise our self-esteem. Whether or not we do so depends on many things, but sadly, we often must hit the very bottom before we ever consider self- examination or self-improvement. Judging from my travels, the majority of the people in the world suffer from low self-esteem. And because few receive training in the emotional skills required to raise their selfconcepts, the vast majority struggle day in and day out to fill their emotional needs. Perhaps this is what Henry David Thoreau meant when he said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Having low EQ means we lack self-awareness. Without self-awareness we can not raise our self-esteem, since we don't know what we need to work on. We continue to make the same mistakes, to punish ourselves for them, and to feel powerless to stop the cycle from repeating. All of this further locks us into feelings of low self-esteem. By working to raise our EQ, however, we become more self-aware as we get more in touch with our feelings. And, with our rising self-awareness, we become more attuned to the areas which need improving. We can spot these areas by our negative feelings. For example, if we get angry when stuck in traffic, our feelings tell us we have a problem with impatience. If we are aware of our impatience, we realize that this is an area which we need to work on improving. In fact, each negative feeling offers us an opportunity for growth. Likewise, each positive feeling, tells us we are on the right track. Our confidence rises as we recognize the areas we need to work on, and then take action. The simple act of beginning to work on a problem results in positive feelings, since we feel in control and empowered to improve our lives. Taking action with a clear goal in mind feels much better than worrying about a problem and not knowing where to begin. As the saying goes, "It is hard to be depressed and in action at the same time." With our rising confidence, our fears decrease accordingly. As our fears drop, we become more secure and less vulnerable. We worry less about other people's opinions, and as a result, are less defensive and more open to suggestions, feedback, and criticism. We concentrate more on our own happiness and worry less about how others run their lives. We are less afraid of rejection and are more willing to share our feelings. By sharing our feelings, we open the door to intimacy, which, when achieved, further strengthens us. Being further strengthened, we reach for higher goals and continue fulfilling our natural potential. As we come ever closer to reaching our potential, our self-esteem rises accordingly. Chapter Five - Validation and Invalidation The tongue is nature's most lethal weapon. One of the keys to emotional intelligence and emotional awareness is the ability to understand the difference between validation and invalidation, and then to know how to validate someone's feelings. To validate someone is to accept, understand, and nurture their feelings. To validate someone's feelings is to validate their identity as a unique person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, judge, or diminish someone's feelings, and hence their identity. Here are links to validation and invalidation from eqi.org. Let's look at invalidation first. Invalidation Sadly, others often feel the need to try to put us down and make us feel inadequate, inferior, and insignificant. After many years of traveling I can say now that It seems to be common all around the world to negate, judge, reject or ignore people's real feelings. All of this is a form of invalidation. Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are

fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird. None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different we are, the more we are invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities. Telling someone they shouldn't feel the way they do feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, and rocks they shouldn't be hard! Each person's feelings are real. Whether or not someone likes or understands your feelings, they are still real. If someone doesn't like your feelings, they don't like reality. Those who try to tell you not to feel what you do feel are being unrealistic, as well as controlling. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated: • We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel. • We are dictated not to feel the way we feel. • We are told we are too sensitive. • We are ignored. • We are judged. • We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel. Those who invalidate you simply do not accept you and respect you for who you are. They would prefer you felt differently. Sometimes they demand it. Those who disrespect you and your feelings have a tendency to trespass the boundaries which protect your sense of self. When we are trespassed we feel used, violated, and insignificant. If they are in a position of power or authority over us, such as a boss, a parent or a priest, the effect is multiplied. I can say with certainty that one of the things the suicidal teens I have worked with over years have in common is that they have all been consistently invalidated at home and at school. There are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening. We know something doesn't feel good, but we can't put our finger on it. We have been conditioned to think that invalidation is "normal." Indeed, it is extremely common, but it is certainly not healthy. Here are some specific invalidating expressions to be aware of. Attempts to Talk You Out of Your Feelings Smile. Cheer up. Lighten up. Get over it. Stop whining. Deal with it. Enough already. Give it a rest. Forget about it. Stop complaining. Don't look so grim. Put on a happy face.

Quit your belly-aching. Don't make such a big deal out of it. Don't make a federal case out of it. Minimizing Your Feelings I was only kidding. It wasn't as bad as all that. It really wasn't as bad as you are making it sound. You must be kidding. You can't be serious. You are making a big deal out of nothing. You are blowing this way out of proportion. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Judging & Labeling You You are a cry baby. You have a problem. You are too sensitive. You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned. You are way too emotional. You need to get your head examined! Turning Things Around What is your problem? What's wrong with you? What's the matter with you? Why can't you just get over it? Why can't you just let it go? Why do you always have to ....? Is that all you can do, complain? Why are you making such a big deal over it?

What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke? How can you let a little thing like that bother you? Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act You should be excited. You should be thrilled. You should feel guilty. You should feel ashamed of yourself. You should feel thankful that... You should be happy that .... You should be glad that ... You should just drop it. You shouldn't worry so much. You shouldn't let it bother you. You should just forget about it. You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve. Even when we are happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like: What are you so happy about? That's it? That's all you are so excited about? And, if the above wasn't enough to make our heads spin, there is always mockery and sarcasm: Oh, you poor thing. I am such a mean person. I suppose you think you are the only one with problems. When your awareness rises, you'll notice such comments day in and day out. Such comments take their toll on us. They literally beat us down. Often, we begin to wonder if something is wrong with us. The more sensitive we are, the more we take these assaults to heart. They undermine our self-confidence because they cause us to doubt ourselves. This in turn diminishes our self-esteem. Being aware of the various forms of invalidation helps you in these ways: 1. You can monitor the way various people treat you. 2. You will be less likely to invalidate others. 3. You will be more able to protect yourself from its damage

Validation The opposite of invalidation is, of course, validation. Validation is extremely nurturing. When we are validated we feel accepted and approved of just the way we are. Validation creates safety and builds trust. Validation includes: Acceptance without passing judgment Acknowledgment Respect for feelings

Empathy Understanding Compassion Non-judgmental listening To validate is first of all to accept without passing judgment. It is to empathize and show understanding and compassion. The following simple statements are good examples of validating. I hear you. I can relate. I know what you mean. I would feel the same way. I can understand how you feel. I can see you are really upset. I can tell this is really important to you. When someone validates us, we receive what we all yearn for: Acceptance, understanding, and a sense of connection. Chapter Six - EQ and Happiness If you're so smart, why aren't you happy? In my opinion, the greatest value of the emotional intelligence work is its contribution to our understanding of happiness, both on an individual and a group level. In fact, the very survival of a society depends upon the precarious balance between meeting the needs of the individual versus the group. When the needs of both are met, everyone is happy and the society flourishes. The greater the happiness for the greater number of people, the more successful the society. This is similar to the philosophy of the greatest good for the greatest number, but it is more precise since "good" is such a subjective word. Happiness, however, may be easily recognized by an abundance of positive feelings and an absence of negative feelings. Let's see how EQ can help us in our pursuit of happiness on both the individual and group level. Our Common Needs A good starting place is to consider our universal human needs, those which define us as a species and unite us around the world. These may be roughly separated into our physical needs and our emotional needs. Our physical needs are what we commonly think of as our survival needs: food, shelter, air, etc. Our emotional needs might also be called our happiness needs. These happiness needs include the need for all of the following: Acceptance Accomplishment Direction Freedom Fulfillment Empowerment Control of our lives Competence Reassurance Growth Challenge Relaxation Pleasure Independence Inner Peace Knowledge

Privacy Usefulness Variety Significance Because our need for acceptance is one of our most critical emotional needs, it is useful to take a closer look at just what acceptance really means from a pragmatic standpoint. The following "Ladder of Acceptance" helps us better understand the general issue of acceptance in terms of its more specific ingredients. It also shows us clearly that there are different levels of acceptance. (image missing xx) Each step of the ladder represents an emotional need which must be filled sometime during our lives if we are to reach maximum happiness. The sooner these needs are filled, the more time we can devote to other pursuits. As children we depend on our parents to fill these needs, but as adults we must take responsibility for our own acceptance needs. The better job our parents did, the easier our task is as adults. For example, if we felt loved and respected as children it is much easier for us to feel loved and respected as adults. Ultimately, though, as adults, we must each earn our way up the ladder. For example, we must earn respect through our actions and integrity; we must express ourselves to be understood; we must behave in ways which are worthy of admiration and appreciation; we must be deserving of compassion; and we must have something to offer if we are to be valued. In a similar way, for adults, even love must be earned. Ideally, we were loved unconditionally as children, without needing to earn our parents' love. Such unconditional love goes a long way to helping a person feel lovable, and thus making it easier to believe that they are worthy of love as an adult. In practice, however, most of us had to earn the approval, and thus the love, of our parents. Those that never felt approved of by their parents will have a very difficult time feeling loved as adults. The reason it will be difficult is because we must believe we are loveable to receive love. If we do not believe we are lovable, we will be skeptical of love when it is offered to us. We may even reject it based on our cognitive and emotional distortions as discussed previously. All our feelings of acceptance, in other words the essential forerunners of love, hinge upon our self-esteem and feelings about ourselves. Simply put, if we do not respect, value, admire, support, understand, approve of, value, and love ourselves, it will be impossible to genuinely feel loved, valued, admired, respected, supported, understood, and approved of by others. When people do not love, value, admire, or fully approve of themselves, in other words, when they do not fully accept themselves, they are haunted by a host of negative feelings. They feel disappointed with themselves, rejected, unsupported, and unloved. Because they remain stuck trying to be accepted by others, they cannot devote their energies to their other emotional needs. As a result they are left empty and unfulfilled. On a large scale, this explains much of the unhappiness in the developed countries of the world, where the prime problem is not physical need, but emotional starvation. Individual Happiness While our survival needs vary only minimally from one human to another, our happiness needs vary tremendously. It is not in type that they differ, however, for we all share the same type of needs--rather, it is in degree. For example, I may need less security and more freedom than you to be happy, but we both need some freedom and some security. Some of the reasons our needs differ so much in degree include: 1. Our innate temperaments and sensitivities differ. In other words, we are not all created equal when it comes to our genetic EQ. 2. Our parents' ability to fill our needs as children differs tremendously. Some parents do an admirable job, others a horrendous one. 3. Our teachers, religious leaders, relatives, etc. differed greatly in their treatment of our needs. 4. Our life experiences differ tremendously. So, how do we know what our unique needs are? How do we know the depths of our various individual needs? How do we know the degree to which they are met or unmet? The answer is, of course, our feelings. Our feelings are the key to figuring out the relative intensity of each of our happiness needs. Very simply put, when a need is unmet, we are unhappy. The more it is unmet, the more unhappy we are. Likewise, the more it is met, the happier we are. Therefore:

Our individual happiness can be precisely gauged by measuring the extent to which each of our happiness needs is met. We need only listen attentively to the messages in our feelings to find the path to increased happiness. Being emotionally smart means knowing what makes you happy and knowing how to achieve it. To be particularly smart is to know how to achieve maximum long-term happiness with minimum wasted effort and with minimum harm. I call this "happiness efficiency." Our emotions provide the feedback to move us from unhappiness towards happiness. They do this by telling us what our needs are, when they are being met, and when they aren't. Social Happiness Society's Needs Each society has certain needs including the need for cooperation, for exchange, for organization, for protection, for selecting leaders, and for a system of conflict resolution. Society is more able to focus on these needs when individual citizens take personal responsibility for meeting their own basic survival and happiness needs. This is because responsible individuals are more self-reliant, and thus place fewer demands on others. Additionally, when the individuals in a society have taken care of their own needs, they have more time, energy, and desire to address social needs. When they feel their short-term security and happiness needs are filled, they begin to address longer-term issues. (The emphasis here is on the feeling, since that is what motivates us. For example, it is quite possible for someone to have more wealth than they could possibly spend, yet still feel insecure.) Fulfilled people begin to see the "big picture." Abraham Maslow referred to this as transcending even self-actualization, the peak of his famous needs hierarchy. This is similar to enlightened self-interest, since we all need a stable, free, and peaceful society in order for us, our children, and grandchildren to survive and thrive. Leadership Selection (I have moved this section to the bottom of the chapter because it was based too much on the person who was president at of the USA at the time I wrote the book.) Social Values and Beliefs The values and beliefs of a society affect group happiness just as they affect individual happiness. For example, if a society values freedom, it will allow its citizens freedom. If it values conformity, it will restrict freedom. Whatever it values, it will both invest in and reward. If it values education, it will reward those who teach. If it values entertainment, it will reward those who entertain. If it values competition and winning it will reward those who win, regardless of the means employed. If it values productivity, it will invest in that which increases productivity. If it values children it will protect them and educate them. If it values math, chemistry, and computer science, those will be required subjects in school. If it values parenting, child rearing, emotional intelligence, and self-esteem development, they too will be required subjects. It has been said that the most dangerous beliefs are those which are most widely held, most taken for granted, and therefore, least questioned. If an entire society believes that its form of government is the best possible, its citizens will not investigate alternatives. If an entire society believes in supernatural beings, or anything which is illusory, the citizens may look to those illusions for solutions to their problems. Since over the long-term, false illusions do not solve real problems, the problems worsen as the society simply does more of whatever has already failed. Similarly, many insecure people, when faced with problems, only cling ever more tightly to their beliefs, as if they were life jackets in a turbulent ocean. Throughout history, the beliefs of certain groups have led to tremendous unhappiness. For example, consider the religious and "holy" wars which have resulted in hundreds of millions of deaths. Certain cultural and religious beliefs teach that either suicide (as in the case of terrorists) or constant prayer or meditation (as is found in certain Eastern religions) is the path to happiness. In both cases, it seems clear that these are inefficient producers of happiness when compared to the many other options available to modern man. On the other hand, much of the modern western world seems to mistakenly believe that the accumulation of wealth, power, fame, or status leads to happiness. Needless to say, some reflection, some meditation, some accumulation of wealth and some loyalty to a cause are all virtues. The issue, then, seems to be one of balance, a major principle of emotional intelligence. The Greek philosophers realized this when they said that even virtues can become vices when practiced in excess. Needs vs. Rights One of the problems in democratic societies is the confusion between needs and rights. Thinking about our emotional needs helps us distinguish one from the other. 2008 Note

My thoughts on needs and rights has changed since I wrote the original version of this book. For one thing, in my work with teenagers I have seen that they have many social and emotional needs which are not being met. To take one example, teenagers, like all of us, have a need for friendships. But do they have a right to friendships? I have come to the sad conclusion that they do not. Their parents can stop them from spending time with their friends, from talking to or seeing their friends. Parents can take away their phones, their Internet. To a suicidal teen this is especially inhumane, but unfortunately it is legal in all the countries I am familiar with. This is also true with love. Does a teenager need to feel loved or even cared about? I believe so. But do they have a legal right to love or to feel cared about? Or to feel understood or accepted? The reality in most countries I have seen is, no. Whether they are allowed to meet their natural social and emotional needs depends mostly on the parents. Some teens are fortunate. Others are not. Another way my thoughts have changed is about the rights of the minority and majority. My original writing was influenced heavily by a problem I saw with how the concept of rights was being misused. Here is the original writing. From what I have learned from teenagers around the world, I see that one problem for them is that their needs change from childhood to adolescence. For example, they have more need for freedom, romantic love and privacy. Yet their legal rights typically remain the same as when they were 5 years old. Also, teenagers are not free to make necessary changes in their lives in the same way adults are, so the discussion of their needs and their rights is a much different one. An adult can take more responsibility for meeting their own needs because an adult is legally free to do many things a teenager cannot, such as moving away from an emotionally unhealthy environment. Individual EQ and Society Generally speaking, people with high EQ make good citizens of the world. Simply put, the well-balanced, responsible, self-reliant person is a good neighbor. Here are a few reasons we are good citizens and neighbors when, as adults who are free to make our own decisions, we have a healthy development of our emotional intelligence - We are aware of our own feelings and needs, and we take responsibility for meeting them without being dependent on others. - We are compassionate and empathetic which causes us to feel a sense of commonality with our neighbors. - We have a healthy sense of guilt to prevent us from hurting or wronging others. - We feel in control of our own lives, and therefore do not feel victimized. - We seek fulfilment through earning things by our own efforts, and therefore we do not allow ourselves to feel falsely entitled to things we have not earned. This keeps us from making demands on others to fill our needs. - We do not confuse needs with rights, since we are aware of both our own needs and the needs of others. - We set limits on our responsibility to others so we do not feel responsible for other people's happiness, and thereby fall into the bottomless pit of trying to fill their unmet needs. - We are secure in our beliefs. Therefore, we do not feel the need to convert others to our way of thinking in order for us to feel reassured that we are right, or that our way is the best way. Summary Generally speaking, individual society members, authority figures, policy makers, religious leaders, and even family members are quick to fear, judge, and criticize anything which is different. The result is that the same individuals who have the most potential to help society, are often most rejected by it. For example, the intelligent, far sighted, and creative person who questions everything and searches for the truth is often rejected and invalidated before he is ever understood or given a chance. Because we all desire acceptance and fear rejection, it is the rare person, who can question or cast aside his society's values and beliefs, and still remain happy. Such non-conformity requires tremendous inner strength, confidence, and self-esteem. These are exactly the qualities which most large societies are unlikely to foster in

their youth, since the larger the society, the more the need for conformity and control. As a result, whole societies remain relatively stagnant across generations, even in the face of mass unhappiness and life threatening problems. When an individual does not share the society's values and beliefs, yet does not have the confidence to reject them, he lives life in inner turmoil. On the other hand, when he has high EQ, along with high self-esteem, he is more likely to both recognize the source of his negative feelings, and to have the confidence to take the corrective actions which increase his long-term happiness. The person with high EQ will set his own standards by closely examining his values and beliefs. He will then live his life according to his own standards, rather than according to society's. The more his society truly values individual freedom, and respects individual needs and feelings, the easier this will be. Finally, the higher the individual's EQ, the more he assumes responsibility for his own happiness, and the less he needs from the state.

Chapter 7 -Section on Leadership from 1996 All societies need leaders. In democratic societies, these leaders are elected by a simple process, one which is often called, quite appropriately, a popularity contest. The types of leaders which are elected depend upon the type of individuals who are voting. If the voters feel needy and insecure because of either unmet emotional needs or unmet physical needs, their feelings will distort their perception of reality. They will be obsessed with instant gratification and they will lose sight of the long term consequences of their actions. If they are not taking responsibility for their own lives and their own happiness, they will look outside themselves for answers to their problems. The end result of all this is voters who will believe even the most blatant lies, and the most unrealistic promises. To get elected then, a potential leader need only tell the people what they want to hear. This process encourages the selection of insecure leaders for the following reason: The candidate who is most approval-seeking, and most power-hungry, i.e. the most insecure, will be the most likely to mislead the public, and thus the most likely to get elected. The long term effect of this is that countries will elect insecure leaders. Such leaders will also lack integrity since integrity and insecurity are mutually exclusive. They are mutually exclusive because when one feels insecure, one feels constantly threatened, as if fighting for survival. And in the battle of survival, one does whatever necessary, and integrity is the first casualty. Insecure leaders focus on filling their own needs and on generating "quick-fixes." They use the people who have elected them to feel powerful and approved of. The greater the social problems, the more such leaders will address short-term solutions at the expense of long-term societal happiness. Such behavior is both counter-productive and highly inefficient from the perspective of overall happiness. An extreme example of such inefficient behavior is the leader who sends his nation into battle in order to either (a) Distract the people's attention, or (b) Steal what the nation cannot produce on its own. They may also create internal battles (for example, the "war on drugs," "war on poverty," "war against teenage smoking"). The majority of battles, whether literal or figurative, are the result of extreme unhappiness. This unhappiness, an unmistakable sign of low EQ, may be on the part of the leader, the voters, or both.

1996 Writing on Rights Thinking about our emotional needs helps us distinguish one from the other. For example, I have a need for sex and intimacy. But few would claim that I have a right to either of these. I also have a need to protect myself. Yet in certain countries I have the "right" to own deadly weapons, while in others I do not. The situation becomes even more complicated when we consider our desires as opposed to our needs. For example, I may desire a certain standard of living, but I do not have a right to any lifestyle I choose--instead I must earn it. So who decides what is a "right," as opposed to a need or a desire? A need or a desire becomes a "right" only when one group of people decide that it is a right. In democracies, the

majority rules, at least theoretically. If, for example, the majority rules that they have a "right" to something, they can literally force others to give it to them. They simply elect leaders who pass laws accordingly. . There are at least two problems with this process of transferring a need to a right: 1. The concept of responsibility is compromised. 2. The needs of the minority are neglected in favor of the needs of the majority. Responsibility is compromised because once something becomes a "right," one no longer has to do anything further to earn it. When a person believes he has a right to something, he feels entitled to it. If he does not receive this entitlement, he believes he has been wronged, cheated, victimized, deprived, and treated unfairly. In most cases, he tends to place blame on the person or group which he believes is responsible for depriving him of his "rights." Logically, he then focuses his energy on asserting his "rights." He does this by making demands and by trying to coerce, manipulate or in some way change the person or persons he holds responsible for his unhappiness. Since changing others is difficult, if not impossible, he sets himself up to feel frustrated, defeated, controlled, dependent, victimized, and powerless. All of these are direct opposites of the positive feelings needed for happiness. They are all also the opposite of that required for high self-esteem and self-reliance. When a low EQ person feels such negative feelings, he does not know how to soothe himself. Over time, he may feel resentful, bitter, jealous, envious, hopeless, despondent, or depressed. (This brings to mind Freud's definition of depression as "anger turned inward.") Or the "victim" may take out his negative feelings and frustrations on others, either those close to him or total strangers. He may also look for other ways to fulfill his need to feel powerful and in control. In the extreme case, he may turn to rage, random violence, and destruction. In the long run, all of this is not only anti-social, but self-destructive. The second problem mentioned above is the neglect of the minority's needs. Again, this is particularly relevant to those who are both more intelligent and more sensitive, since they are, by definition, in the minority. In the long run, the social conventions, the laws, the values, the beliefs, and the definition of "rights" will all reflect the majority's needs and desires. To those in the minority, all of this has the potential to cause feelings of being left out, isolated, misunderstood, unsupported, rejected, etc. The result of these problems is that there will be an increase in irresponsible behavior and a compounding of the natural tendency for groups to subdivide. This subdivision causes them to insulate and isolate themselves. The more the groups separate, the more they misunderstand, fear, resent, and compete with one another. As long as resources are plentiful, this may be a tolerable situation, but if resources become scarce, or even if they are perceived to be scarce, the competition becomes intense and ultimately leads to violence and warfare. What is needed, then, is something to reunite the groups by emphasizing their commonalities. This is where a thorough understanding of our universal human emotional needs, as offered by EQ theory, is many times more helpful than relying on arbitrary declarations of "rights."