Embrace Your Brilliance, Chapter 4 (excerpt)

Embrace Your Brilliance Claudette Rowley

Transgressor personal development

PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS AN EXCERPT OF ONE CHAPTER ONLY. FOR FULL EBOOK DOWLOAD CLICK HERE

Published by Transgressor (Personal Development) in association with Inkstone Digital www.inkstonedigital.com Embrace Your Brilliance Copyright © Claudette Rowley 2009 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. ISBN: 978-0-9807303-0-2 Typeset by Experimental Canon www.experimentalcanon.com Cover design by Paul Vermeer

To Ethan – my brilliant, shining star.

Introduction

Contents

i

How to Use this book

iii

CHAPTER 1

1

Embrace Yourself

1

Come Home to Yourself

3

Give Yourself the Gift of Value

5

Obstacles to Embracing Our Gifts

7

Embrace Yourself – Going Deeper

9

The Art of Dreaming

11

Feeling Stuck? Use the Power of Writing

13

CHAPTER 2

16

The Gift of Obstacles

16

External Obstacles Versus Internal Obstacles

18

The Catch

19

The Benefits of Being Stuck

19

Caught in the Perfection Trap?

24

What if it’s not a Problem but a Path?

26

The Magic of Change

28

Bust Out of Your Box

29

The Nuts and Bolts of Obstacle Elimination

31

Obstacle Shifters

31

CHAPTER 3

35

Tell the Truth

35

Searching for Answers

36

Integrity: Our Compass of Truth

37

How’s Your Alignment?

39

Choices

40

Free Yourself from the Time-Money Trap

42

Kick the Habit

44

Deep Respect

47

CHAPTER 4

50

The Art of Wanting

50

Give Yourself Permission

51

So You Know What You Want … Now What?

53

The Mechanics of Moving Forward

54

Now It’s Your Turn

55

What’s Draining You?

56

Assess Your Energy Drains

57

Define Yourself

60

Float the Goal

62

CHAPTER 5

65

The Power of Perspective

65

The Perspective of Luck

69

The Perspective of Presence

71

The Perspective of Belief

74

The Perspective of Intuition

75

CHAPTER 6

82

Purpose: What Calls You?

82

Follow Your Heart

84

What Calls You?

85

Let Purpose Be Your Guide

87

Survival Mode or Purpose Mode?

90

Take a Stand for Your Purpose

92

CHAPTER 7

94

Flawed Brilliance

94

Accept Your Flawed Brilliance

95

Feel the Joy

97

Cultivate your Amazement

98

Harness your Happiness

100

The Finale … Embrace Your Brilliance

103

Acknowledgements

104

Introduction

When clients first seek out my help as a professional coach, they’ll often start by describing an overall feeling of dissatisfaction with their current life circumstances. “Why can’t I just be satisfied? I’m happily married, have a wonderful daughter and run a successful small business. Why do I still feel the need for more?” – Marsha, florist, age 36. “Changing careers now would be crazy, right? I earn a good paycheck and I am well regarded in my field so who cares if I’m miserable?” – Bob, tax attorney, age 50. “My secret passion has always been architecture but there’s no sense risking my job security. After all I have a family to support. But still, I can’t stop dreaming about what being an architect would be like.” – Cecelia, high school math teacher, age 43. Do these thoughts mirror your own? Do you feel you should be satisfied with what you already have? Do you feel somehow unfulfilled, but can’t pinpoint what exactly is missing? Don’t worry, you’re far from alone. Since 2000, I’ve coached hundreds of clients who’ve expressed sentiments such as these. Talented, successful people, just like you, who’ve spent years trying to convince themselves that they like their work and that their lives are “good enough.” People who, in short, have disconnected from their very brilliance. In his book Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, author Gregg Levoy writes, “It is not, in my estimation, an undue stretch to say that if we are living lives that are wrong for our spirits and if we say no to the calls that could put that spirit to rights, then we, too, are lost souls.” Part of what I do as a professional coach is help people put their spirits to rights. I serve as a partner, helping clients to reconnect with the parts of themselves they’ve long forgotten or buried deep within. Thankfully, these essential parts of our being will keep trying to find a way to break free, even though very often we misunderstand the signals or try, much to our increasing discomfort,

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to ignore them in the hopes they’ll go away – much like those who are quoted above. My goal, then, when I begin working with new clients is to help them get to the root of their yearning and then encourage them to seek out the signposts that will point them in the direction of their natural brilliance. I’ve long held the belief that if each person understood his or her unique brilliance – the intersection between one’s natural talents, abilities and passions – our world would be a very different place indeed. We each have a unique contribution to make, be it as a loving parent to five children, a medical researcher striving for a cure or a fundraiser heightening awareness about an environmental cause. We must each seek our own path. What is a fulfilling choice for one, however, can be a prison for another, no matter how noble it may seem on the surface. In my individual coaching practice, most of my clients are not fully aware of their brilliance and, like many of us, fall short on selfacceptance. To embrace our brilliance, we must have the courage to see ourselves clearly for who we really are (faults and all) and accept these true selves without judgment. Those who can accept themselves with grace and dignity, can tap into their innate power and ability and use it to contribute to the greater good. This process is a transformational one; it moves us from grasping at straws to being in charge of our destiny. When you see yourself as capable, as having a wide range of possibilities available to you and know where your strengths lie, you can steer your own ship in the best ways you see fit. One major objection clients voice, before allowing themselves to embark on this journey, is that it’s selfish. They believe focusing on oneself constitutes a selfish act. The realities of self-care and selfishness, however, are worlds apart. When we become fully responsible for meeting our own needs, we have more to offer, not less. We have more to offer ourselves, the people in our lives and the world in which we live.

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CHAPTER 4

The Art of Wanting “What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Staying true to one’s self takes courage. And the foundation of being true is to know what you want and to have the gumption to acknowledge it and harness the energy to go after it. Unless you build, stretch and maintain your “wanting” muscle, it’s easy to become complacent. Too often, we get busy with our lives and forget what all children know – the art of wanting. Have you ever listened to a young child? If you’re paying attention, you’ll hear an endless litany of what they want. All day. Everyday. “When I can I have that red dragon?” “I hear the ice cream truck! I want ice cream.” “I don’t want to go to sleep.” You get the picture. As adults, many of us begin to settle for what we think we’re allowed to have – as defined by others, rather than ourselves. “Just okay” becomes good enough. “It’s fine” becomes a way of life. The parameters of our desires become tightly defined by what our “inner critics,” family or friends tell us we’re allowed to have. Believe it or not, there is no “judge of desire” holding court to decide if our desires are legitimate or not. Here’s what I know to be true: You get to want what you want.

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I remember speaking with a client about this exact topic. Patrick related to me that at some point in his life, he just stopped dreaming. Caught up in the routine of daily life, he stopped thinking about his experience of the present and his vision for the future. At the end of that coaching session, I gave Patrick an exercise to take away and ponder. His task was to look at seven areas of his life: health, career, money, friends and family, fun and recreation, physical environment, and personal growth, and then create a vision that he’d love to be living for each one. When we next spoke, he shared these visions with me. Together we discovered that Patrick had equated what he wanted to what he was willing to live with. He had stopped giving himself permission to even contemplate what he wanted for his life. I encouraged him to go after what he envisioned in very tangible ways – to manifest that which he really loved.

Give Yourself Permission

Growing up, permission slips were a big part of school life. They were required to participate in special projects, field trips or class trips out of state. To take part in any adventure outside of the regular classroom, a parent had to sign the slip. Now, as adults, we can sign our own permission slips. In fact, we don’t even need one! Yet we often don’t give ourselves permission to be who we want to be or do what we want to do. How many times have you decided you wanted something, and then denied yourself permission to have it – or even ask for it? Here are the top 10 reasons I hear people using to deny themselves permission to want what they want: 1. I can’t afford it. 2. I don’t deserve it. 3. What will other people think? 4. In my family, we don’t ask for things like that. (Translation: My parents had the same sofa for20 years. Why should I be any different?)

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5. What if I get it and then decide I don’t like it? 6. I might fail. 7. I might succeed. 8. I can’t have that (it’s too big, too small, too expensive, too whatever). 9. To have that would mean stepping outside my comfort zone. No way. 10. And, the taproot of all resistance: I’m afraid. Here’s the antidote to these limiting beliefs: it’s okay to want what you want. It’s that simple. You get to want what you want without judging it or measuring its merit or any justification at all. Use these steps to get started: 1. Recognize what you want. 2. Refrain from judgment. 3. Give yourself permission to want what you want. 4. Take the action required, for example: asking, buying, giving. 5. Notice what opportunities magically appear before you and what opens up inside of you. Following these steps may feel uncomfortable; you might feel fear. That’s okay. These are simply signs that you are moving beyond your comfort zone. It’s a sign you are growing! Each time you acknowledge what you want, don’t judge it, act on it. It’s part of the flow of life. Life wants to give you what you want. Our socialization (see the previous list of 10 limiting beliefs) tends to complicate matters and have us believe otherwise. Recognizing what you want and giving it to yourself is a skill and, like most new skills, it requires building “muscle.” The more you work this particular muscle, the stronger it becomes.

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Tune in: How can you give yourself permission to want what you want?

So You Know What You Want … Now What?

Most of my clients hire me because they want to answer the question “What’s next?” They feel dissatisfied with their current job or life situation, but aren’t sure what would satisfy them. They make lots of wonderful and necessary internal changes – reshape their belief systems, overcome obstacles, gain clarity and craft a vision for the future. Then they hit “The Threshold” – that formidable mental canyon that appears after you’ve identified what you want and blocks you from taking those first steps forward. Once you know what you want, you must cross The Threshold by taking action. For many people, this is an onerous stumbling block. A new host of fears rush in, making getting started about as easy as taking the first step onto a rickety swing bridge strung precariously across your mental canyon. It’s common to experience: • A fear of failure combined with such thoughts as “What if I try out this vision and it doesn’t work?” • A fear of success that brings up such thoughts as “What if I bring this idea to fruition and my whole life changes?” • An amorphous, yet fierce, resistance to the task at hand. The kind of resistance that ignites more creative procrastination. (Having exhausted more flashy forms of procrastination, I’ve been known to trim my toenails and clean my computer keyboard in an attempt to avoid a task. In fact, I think I see a few specks on my keyboard right now…) Here’s a hint: Dreams and ideas come to fruition through pragmatic action. It’s true. You can envision, manifest, pray and meditate on the state of your cuticles until the cows come home. You’re free to do this, of course, just don’t expect your dream to come true.

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The Mechanics of Moving Forward

How do you take action in the face of fear and resistance? Here are some concrete steps to take you through the mechanics of moving forward. A – Acknowledge fear and take action anyway. Action is one of the best antidotes for fear and anxiety. Many people misinterpret feeling fear as an indication that they’ve taken the incorrect course of action. Not true. (Note: At the threshold, it’s not uncommon to feel attached to a specific outcome. Proceed with that action, just take care to stay unattached to the outcome. We can’t predict the results of our actions; results may be immediate or may not trickle down for weeks, months or even years.) C – Create a community of support. Support is critical. If I got paid for every time I’ve told a client, “Nobody who’s successful has done it alone,” I’d be a rich woman. If you don’t have a network of support, build one. Find online communities in your field or areas of interest. Visit or join professional organizations and don’t overlook friends and family. Who could you reach out to and ask for support? I can vividly recall the time I needed extra support because I was crossing that precarious mental swing bridge from one career to the next. So I asked for it. I identified two people who had room in their lives to give me the extra support I needed and I called them and asked for it – clearly and without apologies. They were my lifeline during those next few months when I needed the extra boost. (In a nice twist, I was able to return the favor the following year when one of those friends went through a difficult period of her own.) T – Take charge. Be a leader in your own life. Set goals. Make decisions. Get clear about what you’re trying to accomplish. Can’t stand bookkeeping? Hire someone to do it. Plan. Organize your time and use it wisely. You are the only person who can get yourself where you want to go. I – Interview and research. If you’re at the threshold, chances are you have a thirst for more information whether it’s about your career transition from crossing guard to marine biology or your move from Times Square to Tijuana. Schedule informational interviews. Set aside time to research online and at the library.

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Read books and magazines in your areas of interest. Gathering concrete information is the name of the game. O – Over-reward. This is harder than it sounds! You must take time out to reward yourself and to keep your motivation high. The next time you identify a reward for yourself, I challenge you to double it. If you haven’t rewarded yourself yet, you must do so immediately – if not sooner. Here’s why. Living with a mentality of abundance is going to take you much farther than a mentality of scarcity ever will. N – Network, network, network. Each time you speak to someone about your dream or idea, make sure you utter the magic words, “Who else should I speak to about this?” or “What would you suggest as a next step?” To network successfully is the act of growing and strengthening your physical connection to other people. When you feel uncomfortable asking others for help, ask instead how you can be helpful to them. In fact, no matter what, ask that anyway. Standing at the edge of going after what you want can be the most challenging phase of any transition. Remember, you’re walking that unsteady swing bridge between where you’ve been and where you want to go. The next time you find yourself on The Threshold between your idea and bringing it to fruition, take a deep breath and focus on this question, “What is my purpose right now?” The answer will take you where you need to go.

Now It’s Your Turn

Take out a pen and paper and make a list of 50 things you want, both internally and externally. An internal desire, for example, might be to feel more relaxed, rather than so anxious and tense, while an external desire might be to buy a fun new sofa or join that networking organization your co-worker keeps raving about. Write whatever comes to mind without any censoring. Got it? No censoring! Include everything from buying new socks to achieving more self-awareness to wanting to be a professional tennis player. Make it a stretch. Dream big! If you can comfortably make a list of 50 desires, then push yourself to make a list of 75. If 100 is a piece of cake, I challenge you to create a list of 200.

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As you’re making your list, notice the following: • How do you feel? Are you excited by certain desires? Guilty about others? • What physical sensations do you feel? Does it feel like someone is tightening a noose around your neck? Or do you feel like getting up to dance or pumping the air with your fist? • As you write down each item, what words pop into your head? Do you hear such gems as, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” or “You can’t have that! Who do you think you are – the Queen of Sheba?” Pick your top 10 desires. Review your newly formed short list and, again, take note of how you feel. What voices do you hear in your head? What beliefs pop into your mind? Where do you notice your social conditioning showing up? How does your body feel? Do your top 10 desires have a common theme? Have you uncovered something of which you had previously been unaware? At the end of day, what we want is usually pretty simple and clear: it’s our feelings and judgment that get in the way. Social conditioning that tells us that we must live a certain way, act a certain way and feel a certain way. It’s these inner voices that keep us from acknowledging and acting on what we truly want. Tune in: What did you learn about what you want? Can you categorize your desires? Did any themes emerge from your list?

What’s Draining You?

If you are still feeling challenged to identify what you want, energy drains could be to blame. It can be difficult to connect to your desires when you tolerate people, situations or actions that rob you of energy on a consistent basis. Cleaning up energy drains is an important component of gaining clarity about your desires. On a daily basis, we put up with aspects of our lives that drain us of valuable time, energy and joy. We tolerate work that we no longer

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enjoy, relationships that don’t enrich us and financial or living situations that do not sustain us. Our energy is drained by the “little things” as well. When your car needs a tune up, thinking about it zaps your energy every time you drive by the garage. Each time you glance at that wall that needs repainting, your energy dips. As you eliminate these energy drains, you are freer to focus on those aspects of your life that fuel you. You’ll feel lighter – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You’ll have more energy, sleep better and simply enjoy yourself more fully. Now take a few minutes to reflect on what you need to eliminate from your life to bring your energy back into balance. Make a list.

Assess Your Energy Drains

To distinguish between what’s draining your energy and what’s fueling your energy, do the following exercise. Hint: Notice what you’re avoiding or denying – it’s an energy drain that should be on your list. Use the information you gather to take concrete steps toward eliminating those energy-draining aspects of your life. I led one of my clients, Howard, through this exercise. What he uncovered astounded him. Although he enjoyed his work and his finances were in good shape, he was involved in some relationships that were draining energy from his body, mind and spirit. Howard realized that saying no to family members was a challenge for him. He said “yes” to every request, be it for his time, his money or his expertise, often to his own detriment. He carved out no time for the activities that nourished his body or soul, such as hiking or attending worship services. As a result, his body, mind and spirit suffered. In order to bring his energy levels back into balance, we discussed ways he could put boundaries in place with family and we roleplayed diplomatic ways he could say no to them. We made a list of the things that were important to him and were to come first and then family requests could work around his plans.

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Food for Thought: Do you need to end a friendship that no longer serves you and is an energy drain? Do you want to strengthen an existing friendship that fuels you? Are you tired of wearing clothes that no longer suit who you are today (drain)? Do you want to take yourself on a shopping spree and buy only those things that excite you and look good on you (fuel)? Draw up on a piece of paper a list of the major areas in your life and what is currently draining you of energy and what is fueling you. Below is an example, but feel free to add additional categories, no matter how big or how small they may seem.

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Energy drain to eliminate

What will fuel you

Relationships

Work

Environment

Mind, body, spirit

Money

Tune in: Make a commitment to yourself to begin to eliminate your energy drains. What would change if your life were only filled with those people, situations and circumstances that fueled you?

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Define Yourself

Acknowledging what you want takes courage because once you know what you want, you have choices to make. Do you go after what you want? And if you do, will it require you to give something else up? To take something else on? When you acknowledge your desires, you are engaging in an act of self-definition, recognizing both what you need and don’t need in your life. I remember dreaming that I was sentenced to 30 days in jail. It was a four-in-the-morning kind of dream, the kind that makes you toss and turn, wake up for a minute, roll over, go back to sleep and find yourself right back in the middle of the dream again. Vivid in most every detail, the dream curiously omitted one critical element – the crime I had committed. That detail was very hazy. It might have been that I’d taken the wrong library book off the shelf. (No, I’m not joking.) You don’t have to be Freud to deduce that I’d been feeling a bit trapped in my life at that time. But unlike actual imprisonment, feeling trapped in life is often instructional – simply because it’s an illusion. It’s like the elephant with its leg tied to a wooden stake. The elephant is strong enough to break free, but doesn’t realize it. It stays tied to the stake only because it’s been conditioned to do so. Although we’re smarter than elephants, we do sometimes seem to stand with one leg tied to a stake for no better reason than we’ve been conditioned that way. After having done some time in my own trap, I realized that the way out was a heavy dose of what I call “self-definition.” Self-definition is a process. It’s an excavation of the soul. It requires us to honestly, deeply and completely answer some challenging questions: • What do I want? • What excites me? • How do I hold myself back?

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• How do I allow fear to hold me back? • How can I be courageous enough to do what I need to do? • What’s my place in the world? Answering these questions truthfully may not be easy. It may take some time. I challenge you to answer them for each area of your life and notice what you uncover. When I asked myself “What do I want?” I heard two answers. The first: I wanted more sleep. The second, and less concrete, was: I wanted to stop meeting everyone else’s needs before my own. I’d fallen into a habit of superseding my own needs much of the time and this response was taking its toll. Between my son, my clients, friends, family and various and sundry other people, I had lost myself in a sea of needs. I’d become, in essence, tethered to that stake. Self-definition is about finding the places, conditions and mindsets in which you sparkle and shine, in which you stay focused on your desire, in which you move away from your fear. It helps you notice those times that you pull back and stop yourself just as you get started. You begin to see the many little thoughts and actions, which, taken together, are adding up to some pretty heavy selfsabotage. Finally, you decide to make different choices. Once you step onto that path, you begin to define yourself rather than allowing other people, beliefs and circumstances to determine your identity, life path and course of action for you. Self-definition is not about focusing on the specific “how’s” and “what’s.” It’s not: How will I get there? What if I don’t like it? What if I don’t make it? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What are the steps to take? Which are the best actions? Rather, your work is to avoid these questions. Entertaining questions such as these will instantly start to suck the life out of your beautiful, new self-definition. That’s because these questions are based in doubt, rather than in faith. Once you are firmly grounded in what is true for you, the “how’s” and “what’s” tend to reveal themselves more clearly.

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Focus on what you want, then trust that it’s right for you. Trust is the key here – trust in yourself, trust in the universe and trust that the right things will happen at exactly the right time. Do that, and you will not be trapped, your leg will not tied to a stake. And that, my friends, is freedom. Tune in: What do you want? If you trusted yourself completely and shut out the inner critic, what is the first step you would take? What would future steps be?

Float the Goal

Many people stop short of setting goals to help themselves achieve what they want because they’re concerned that if they don’t meet these goals, they’ll experience a sense of failure. I’d like to propose a remedy. It’s a strategy I call “float the goal.” Here’s how it works: Step 1: Identify the goal Write it down clearly and succinctly. Make sure it’s a goal you can easily keep in your head, such as a dollar amount that you want to earn, a distance you want to run or the kind of friendship you want to develop. Step 2: Periodically “float” the goal in your mind By this I mean – run the goal through your mind and simply reflect on it for a second or two. “Oh, that’s right. I want to earn $100,000 this year.” Then let it go by moving on to the next thought. Refrain from getting “attached” to the goal. Being attached to the goal sounds like “I’m afraid I won’t meet the goal” or “How will I ever meet this goal?” or “If I don’t meet it, I’m a failure.” Negative attachments will quickly thrust you down a mental rabbit hole that has no exit. Step 3: Let go of “how” With the “float the goal” strategy, “how” isn’t a requirement. Isn’t that nice? That’s one of the perks of this strategy that I love. In fact, figuring out “how” to achieve the goal is counterproductive.

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You want to set the goal, float it in your mind and then move forward intuitively, whether that’s through networking, marketing, researching or some other method. The point is to keep taking action and putting your energy out there by – as the author Julia Cameron so vividly tells us – “shaking the trees.” Step 4: Go out and have fun You might be thinking – how does having fun connect with accomplishing a goal? Let me explain. Sometimes when we’re having difficulty meeting a goal, we get tight. Tight to the point that we’re overly serious and berating ourselves or blaming external circumstances for our troubles. All of these actions are counterproductive. While an honest assessment of whether your course of action is the right one or not can be beneficial – once the jury’s made its verdict, go out and have some fun. Lighten things up a bit. Generate positive energy. Take a mental load off – a watched pot never boils and a watched goal is never achieved. Step 5: Harvest “positivity” This is the skill of active observation. Make a conscious decision to identify and focus on the positive in any and all situations. You may have a lifelong habit of focusing on the negative in situations that aren’t to your liking, feel uncomfortable or are simply unfamiliar. Again, a negative focus will steer you down an unproductive path, so identify the positive. Once you do, you’ll feel like you have more control. There’s nothing like looking at an array of positive options to boost your spirits and create that “I’m in charge” feeling. Step 6: Notice what you’re avoiding “What we resist, persists.” I don’t know who originally uttered these words, but they couldn’t be more true. What we resist or avoid, internally or externally, not only persists, but usually expands over time. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you’re avoiding at this very moment and what you tend to avoid time and time again. Once you have the answer, you can take action on it. This, in turn, will open the pathway to meeting your goal with much greater ease. What could be better than ease?

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Step 7: Go out and have fun Seriously. It’s worth repeating. Don’t forget to have fun! When in doubt, do something nice for yourself or for someone else. Change the energy – don’t let it stagnate. There’s nothing like the power of positive energy to smooth the pathway to attracting what you want in your life. Remember, a goal is simply a direction, not necessarily a destination. We’re never really done. Once you reach one goal, the next goal or goals will appear in your vision, so float your goals and watch the new, different and exciting results that float into your life and get ready to expect the unexpected! Tune in: What is a goal that you’d love to float? Put these seven steps to use and watch for the results.

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