Editing Examples

1 Peter Erikson Honolulu Advertiser Catching Errors on Deadline 2005; June-August (Editor’s Note: The diacriticals in Hawaiian names are correct)

Editing Example 1 “Risk of identity theft on rise” Problem 1: In breakout box titled “Take Precautions,” a bulleted item suggested checking one’s credit reports by contacting Equifax, Esperian and TransUnion separately. Aside from all the work, one would have to pay a fee to download or order each report. Missing was this information: Residents of western states, including Hawaii, can download or order free reports from all three companies at one site, annualcreditreport.com. This service began December 2004; other states are being phased in over the year. Solution: I added the relevant information to the box, after checking with the reporter, who was unaware of the centralized site. Problem 2: The story focuses on an identity theft victim in Hawaii whose credit card was used to make more than $8,000 in purchases in Spain. He is quoted as saying, “I hate to be responsible for $8,000.” In fact, he is only liable for the first $50 under U.S. law. The story has no mention of this. Solution: I added a graph to the story to reflect this. By Rick Daysog Advertiser Staff Writer Charles Harrington said he should have suspected something was wrong last month when he couldn’t use his Visa card to pay for lunch at a local restaurant or to purchase supplies at Office Depot. The Kamehameha Heights resident, who was well below the $32,000 limit on his card, said his creditcard statements later showed that someone had used his Visa account that same day to rack up more than $8,000 in charges in Spain. Harrington, the publisher of Hawaii Parent magazine, said his wife recently alerted American Savings Bank, which had issued him the card, and a bank employee told them that up to 40 people had reported similar problems recently. “I hate to be responsible for $8,000 without having anything to do with it,” said Harrington, who has never visited Spain. “I could have had fun with that $8,000.” American Savings said it will investigate Harrington’s case. Under federal law, Harrington will only be liable for the first $50 once he can demonstrate he is a victim of fraud. Harrington is one of hundreds of local victims of one of the fastest-growing forms of fraud in the nation: identity theft. * Download and print copies of your credit reports from each of the three reporting companies at www.annualcreditreport.com. Or call (877) 322-8228 to request a form, or write to Annual Credit Report Request Service, P.O. Box 105281, Atlanta, GA 30348-5281. (Forms are available on the Web site).

Editing Example 2 “Battered Guard cutter navigating rough seas” Problem: This July 15, 2005 story was originally scheduled to run the week before, but I suggested holding it because there were three errors in the first paragraph alone. Here’s the first graph: “When Capt. Michael Jett enlisted in the Coast Guard in 1967, he dreamed of commanding a high-endurance cutter such as the Honolulu-based USS Jarvis. But Jett never imagined that he would be the commander of one of the ships that came online 38 years ago.” The errors: 1. The USS Jarvis was a Navy destroyer sunk by the Japanese in 1942. The Jarvis is a Coast Guard cutter. 2. The Jarvis wasn’t commissioned until 1972, so Capt. Jett couldn’t have dreamed of commanding a ship like the Jarvis in 1967.

2 3. Also, the Jarvis came online 33 years ago, not 38 as the lead says. Solution: The story was held, checked by several editors who concurred with the changes, and run the next week. Edited Story: By Curtis Lum Advertiser Staff Writer When Capt. Michael Jett enlisted in the Coast Guard in 1967, he dreamed of commanding a highendurance cutter. But Jett never imagined that he would be the commander of a ship that came online 33 years ago. The Jarvis is one of two 378-foot cutters home-ported in Honolulu and is among an aging fleet of Coast Guard ships and aircraft that require constant repair and maintenance. Military and elected officials have said that plans to replace the Coast Guard’s assets over the next 20 years need to be accelerated to allow it to carry out its post 9/11 mission. The so-called “deep water” replacement program calls for $20 billion to be spent over a 20-year period, but that could be increased to 25 years under a White House plan. Some of the Coast Guard’s boats are 50 years old, while the Jarvis was built in 1970 and commissioned in 1972. The Jarvis primarily patrols Alaskan waters and the Western Pacific, enforcing U.S. laws and treaties. The crew also hunts down drug smugglers and takes part in exercises with other nations to fight terrorist activities. Over the years, the Jarvis has taken a beating as it travels through rough environments. Jett said his crew frequently has to perform repair and maintenance work, rather than its usual duties because of the problems with the aging ship. The Jarvis is on a 90-day patrol mission but recently was forced to dock at Adak, Alaska, for two days for repairs. He said one diesel engine is down and can’t be replaced until the Jarvis returns to Honolulu at the end of this month, while a turbine is running at reduced capacity. At any given time, Jett said, something is broken on the Jarvis. Despite its problems, the Jarvis is among the better-conditioned ships in the Coast Guard, he said.

Editing Example 3 “Got the hots for kim chee” Problem: On July 20, we ran a series of feature stories about kim chee. I did not work on the stories. However, after the stories were edited and slotted and the pages proofed, I noticed variations on three names (Mimi Mitsunaga and Mimi Mitsuzawa; Julia Chung and Julia Chang; and Chae and Choe on second reference for Chef Chae Won Choe. Solution: I quickly contacted the writer and section editor, and the problems were fixed. Edited Story: By Wanda A. Adams Advertiser Food Editor Here in Hawai’i, we think we know kim chee. Those familiar jars of Halms or Kohala kim chee are at home on our tables. But in truth, our understanding of Korea’s national food rates about a 4 on a scale of 160. Meaning even the most savvy among us tend to be aware of only four types of the Korean fermented pickle (won bok, cucumber, daikon and turnip) among the more than 160 types documented in Korea. Unless you’re in the habit of visiting the kim chee bars at one of the Korean markets here — Palama Super Market and Queen’s Super Market are best known — or have a Korean halmani (grandma) in the kitchen, you are probably innocent about the wide range of kim chee ingredients and flavors. The term, rooted in Middle Chinese, means to soak or steep vegetables or greens. Originally, kim chee was just a salted vegetable, explained chef Chae Won Choe, who was born in Korea and raised in Hawaii. After chilies were introduced to Korea in the 17th century, Koreans created a variation on the theme, seasoning the salted vegetables with sweet, hot peppers.

3 Now the dish is officially designated a National Treasure in South Korea. “Kim chee, we had breakfast, lunch and dinner — so many different kinds,” said Mimi Mitsunaga, who grew up in Korea and for the past 13 years has masterminded an immense kim chee-making project for Iolani School’s Family Fair. Says Choe, “You can kim chee any kind of vegetable.” Common in Korea are kim chees made with eggplant, mustard leaves, lettuces, carrots, gourds, watercress, leeks, chives, green onions, pumpkin, various roots and shoots, according to “The Kim Chee Cookbook,” by Kim, Lee and Lee (Periplus, 1997), an excellent English-language guide to kim chee lore, history and recipes. And seafood, too: oysters, squid, shrimp, pollack, cutlass fish. A more recent stereotype of kim chee is that it isn’t good for you. And, indeed, the high sodium content is of concern; this can be somewhat mitigated by making your own kim chee, rinsing kim chee before eating, and savoring small portions. But recent research indicates that fermented foods — cabbage kim chee and sauerkraut — have significant health advantages. Cruciferous vegetables, including cabbages, are high in cancer-fighting antioxidants (glucosinolates and flavonoids), fiber, vitamins C and K, calcium and minerals (iron, potassium). In a 2002 study written up in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry, Finnish researchers found that fermenting cabbages produces isothiocyanates, which retard cancers in laboratory experiments. The same lactic acids that help preserve the fermented cabbage also promote intestinal health. Garlic, abundantly used in making kim chee, has antioxidant and other health effects as well, as does hot pepper powder. And cabbage kim chee is fat- and cholesterol-free.

Editing Example 4 “Portuguese event yields tasty recipe” Problem: In this story, the writer, who is Portuguese, called a Portuguese dessert “preges” in her column. I did some fact-checking and found it was actually pregos. Solution: The writer indicated pregos was correct and that she had assumed it was preges. Edited Story: By Wanda Adams Advertiser Food Editor Spent a delightful Saturday afternoon at the Kona Historical Society’s Portuguese Heritage Festival last weekend, held in a pasture on a hillside below the old Greenwell store in Captain Cook on the Big Island. For the event, the society built a forno — a masonry oven, faced not with the usual brick or stucco but with local rock, artfully fitted together like the dry stone walls that form the pasture boundaries. One reason for the event was to tell the community about plans for the Kona Heritage Ranch, an outdoor living history museum that will celebrate work, family, ethnicity and community — including the Portuguese. (Find more at www.konahistorical.org.) I got teary-eyed seeing older ladies who reminded me of my grandmother and recalling how much of Portuguese culture has faded. Today, most people think Portuguese food is bean soup, linguica and sweetbread — and maybe vinha d’ahlos (pickled pork) and bacalhau (salt cod) stew. But the early immigrant cooks had a repertoire of dozens of recipes. I participated in a talk-story time with a group of women, recalling old-time Portuguese foods and cooking, customs and feasts. I encountered a new recipe at the event: slow-simmered and marinated beef made into delicious, garlicky sandwiches called pregos. I bought literally the last copy of the Kona Historical Society’s Portuguese Heritage Cookbook ($4.95 — they’re reprinting). Below is the recipe as the cookbook presents it. I added a tablespoon of balsamic vinegar and a teaspoon of beef soup base to deepen the flavor of the gravy that forms from the pan juices. P.S. You could cut the fat by using just a couple tablespoons of butter and using a cup of strong beef broth in which to sauté the garlic and beef.

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Editing Example 5 “State’s first female leader of safety agency recognized” Problem: This Aug. 5 story had already been edited, slotted and proofed by the time I checked it after first deadline. I noticed three things: 1. The second graph makes it sound as if Patty Dukes, Honolulu’s EMS department head, had just been promoted. She had actually been named to the job seven months before. 2. Much of the third graph is repetitive and should have been cut. 3. We say Dukes “began her career as an paramedic.” Solution: All of the errors were fixed for the second, or home final, edition. Edited Story: By Suzanne Roig Advertiser Staff Writer When Patty Dukes began her career as a paramedic, she was one of six women in her field. That was 22 years ago. Now there are about 60 women in the Honolulu Emergency Medical Services Department and Dukes is the agency’s chief. She is the first woman to hold that position in a major U.S. city and the first woman in the state to lead a public safety agency. Dukes said she's more than up for the challenge following a ceremony with Gov. Linda Lingle, who recognized Dukes yesterday for her work and her pioneering leadership in emergency services. “You’re the first people citizens call,” Lingle said. “You have an extremely special role in the community. I admire very much what you do.” Dukes began her career as a paramedic and moved up through the ranks. Seven months ago she was named chief. Each year on Oahu, EMS responds to more than 66,000 calls for medical emergencies and traumatic injuries. Mobile intensive care technicians have attended more than 1,500 hours of college-accredited training in advanced life support and invasive medical techniques. The city now has 18 ambulance units. With lei piled high around her neck, Dukes said she was grateful to the state for providing additional ambulances and paramedics, and for the recognition. “It’s a honor to be here today,” Dukes said. “I believe that I am a representative of everyone in the department, not just women. “I don’t think that there’s a whole lot of significance for a woman to be named to the post. I’m just trying to do a good job,” she said. Reach Suzanne Roig at [email protected] or 395-8831.

Editing Example 6 “Behind the supermarket scene” Last of two articles on the changing supermarket business Last week: Putting the ‘super’ back in markets Problem: This June 29 story, which also had been edited and slotted, contained a suspicious figure: $10,000, supposedly the amount levied in fines by the state for an incorrectly scanned item at a supermarket. Initially the writer reported it as fact; later she said to attribute the information to a store manager quoted in the story. Earlier in the day I’d tried, and failed, to reach a supermarket executive in town to confirm the figure. Right before deadline, the executive called back to say that the $10,000 figure was definitely wrong; she said it was closer to $1,000. Solution: Without further time to check, we took the number out entirely.

5 Edited Story By Wanda A. Adams Advertiser Food Editor Foodland Beretania is a “beta” test site: Here, Foodland managers are unveiling their ideas for the grocery store of the 21st century, Island-style. Kelly Watt is just what you’d want in a head cashier — someone with a soft voice, gentle smile and an awesome ability to multitask. Fifteen-year Foodland veteran Araceli Acosta is bakery manager. Trends here include more scratch baking, more single servings. Ask why this store was chosen and someone will quip, “Because Jenai shops here,” meaning Foodland’s chairwoman and chief executive Jenai Wall Sullivan. Actually, it’s that the customer base for this smallish, urban store — a mix of well-heeled retirees, young city dwellers and shoppers from nearby neighborhoods — seems receptive to new ideas. The Advertiser recently made several visits for a backstage glimpse of how a supermarket operates. 1 p.m. Tuesday: Department heads’ meeting Each week, Foodland Beretania’s department heads crowd into the tiny and distinctly unplush upstairs office of store director Clarence Morinaga. It’s a chance for Morinaga, a soft-spoken man who has the air of a likable school principal, to rally his troops. “Front-end urgency” is the buzz term this week — meaning fast-as-possible checkout times and help with carry-out. “We all have milk, we all have bread. The one thing that can set us apart is customer service,” he reminds them. In self-conscious monotones, the department heads read from forms on which they have recorded their week’s goals and earnings; overtime and other costs; “key initiatives” (important goals) and anything others might need to know. Over and over, the same goal emerges: “keeping in stock.” Empty shelves are the cardinal sin. It’s just before Memorial Day, and the all-important front gondola — the entry display — has to be redone with summery stuff. The grocery department is planning a full “re-set” to add new health-oriented freezer goods. Produce is anticipating the arrival of summer stone fruit. Discussion buzzes around issues customers probably never consider: the quality of the plastic shopping bags, how to move stuff around the store without using scarce shopping carts, an upcoming “top scrub” (floor cleaning) in the wee hours. Supervisors periodically pull products to check them; the goal is no more than two errors in any test of 350 items. If state inspectors find an incorrectly scanned item, the store is fined, said Gonsalves.

Editing Example 7 “Trades applicants getting help with math exam” Problem: This Sept. 6, 2004, story describes how miserably those trying to get into the construction industry perform on math exams. While perusing the article initially in first rim, a number popped out at me: Of 189 carpenter candidates who took the math test, 111 passed and 78 failed — for what the writer called a 33 percent failure rate. I came up with 41 percent, the correct figure. Solution: I sent the story back to the business desk and asked that they double check all of the percentages listed. Edited Story: By Dan Nakaso Advertiser Staff Writer Wannabe carpenters will get extra help this week preparing for a union math test that could lead to $33an-hour jobs in a construction industry expected to help drive Hawaii’s expanding economy for years to come. The final round of trade union recruitment is finished for the year. But for more information on future refresher courses, call the individual labor unions or the Workforce Development Council at 586-8671 or the Oahu Workforce Investment Board at 591-5555. Hawaii’s construction industry needs more workers, but about 40 percent of applicants to the Islands’ largest trade union, the carpenters’, historically flunk the eighth-grade math portion of the entrance exam. “The problem is that there aren’t enough people and there aren’t enough qualified people,” said James Hardway, spokesman for the state Department of Labor and Industrial Relations.

6 So about 200 candidates will take four-hour refresher courses at Honolulu Community College and Leeward Community College this week in basic math, which is expected to dramatically increase their chances to pass the required union test. In a test program last spring, the carpenters’ and plumbers’ unions joined with officials from the state Department of Labor and Industrial Relations, the city’s Oahu Workforce Investment Board and the University of Hawaii to come up with a new approach to get more apprentice candidates ready to join their unions. UH officials designed a four-hour refresher course that 221 carpenter candidates took. Out of the people who went through the course, 141 went on to take the carpenter’s math exam and 125 passed — for an 89 percent success rate. Another 189 carpenter candidates chose not to participate in the refresher course and took the math test directly. In that group, 111 passed and 78 failed — for a 41 percent failure rate. Applicants for plumber jobs appear to have fared better on the tests. The plumbers had 80 candidates take the refresher course and 54 ended up passing the entrance test — for a 68 percent success rate. Another 53 people took the test directly and 79 percent of them passed. The organizers of what’s called the “pre-apprenticeship program” are trying to figure out why the outcome was so different for carpenters and plumbers. They’re also wondering why no one took advantage of a more intense, 16-hour remedial program that UH officials designed for people who weren’t ready for the four-hour refresher course. They won’t have much more data to work from because the carpenters will be the last union to recruit laborers for the year. But the final round of testing of 400 carpenter candidates is expected to draw recent high school graduates. “We’ll be able to find out how prepared high school students are to take the eighth-grade math test,” Hardway said.

Editing Example 7 Problem: In proofing the “time line” page for our Sept. 2 “Peace in the Pacific” special on the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II, I noticed this cutline under a photo of POWs: “More than 5,000 American POWs die of Japanese brutality during the Bataan Death March.” This is wrong. Nobody knows for sure, but it’s generally accepted that about 600-700 Americans and 5,000-10,000 Filipinos died. Our cutline did not mention the Filipinos at all, a glaring oversight for a paper from Honolulu. Solution: I consulted encyclopedias and other references and inserted the correct figures in both the caption and another reference to the death march in the time line. The paper based its time-line information solely on The History Place.com.