Drinking Is Bad

Terminus Afterparty: Drinking is Bad, M’kay? By Crystal Hoover 1. Introduction My name is Crystaline Janelle Hoover, and I am an atheist liberal. I can be extremely prejudiced against idiots, crazy religious fundamentalists, anyone against gay rights, misogynists, Republicans, and thirteen-year-old fanbrats. I am terrified of bugs (especially ants), Russia, and my little sister. I spend most of time on the Internet. I also love reading, Harry Potter, Hetalia, Supernatural, and several other fandoms. 2. Body So I was at this party, right? And we were having a killer time! Alex Carpenter described it as, “The most fucking awesome night of my life.” Danny was quoted as saying “PASS ME ANOTHER BEER, MAN!” It can be mathematically proven that this was an amazing night using the following formula: If A, B, C are the points z1, z2, z3 ant the angles B and C are each pie- alpha/2 then (z2-z3) ^ 2 = 4 (z3-z1) (z1-z2) sin ^ 2 alpha/2 And then I was offered a beer and I said, “No way, man. Drinking isn’t cool. Not when I could get arrested.” 2.5. Climax AND THEN BAM! A LONE GUNMAN JUMPED THROUGH THE WINDOW (EVEN THOUGH WE WERE ON THE TWENTY-FOURTH FLOOR) AND STARTED SHOOTING ALL OF US! SO DRAMA KITTEN GRABBED HER SWITCHBLADE AND KNIFED THAT MOTHERFUCKER! AFRAID OF BEING CAUGHT BECAUSE OF THE NOISE (SHE DIDN’T REALIZE WE HAD SILENCIO’D THE ROOM) SHE JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW AND DID A TRIPLE LUTZ INTO THE CAR WHERE PEP KITTEN WAS WAITING FOR HER AND THEY SPED AWAY. UNFORTUNATELY, THE POLICE NOTICED THAT AND CHASED AFTER THEM.

3. Conclusion

So that was a pretty cool night. None of us drank any alcohol or did drugs – speaking of which, I knew this girl once who did drugs – but that’s a story for the footnotes123. ALSO, DID YOU KNOW? There is an empty Coke bottle next to me because I love Coke. How does this tie into my essay? I don’t actually remember…………. Oh yeah! Coke is like my drugs! Instead of drinking alcohol, I drank Coke so I could stay up all night. Fuck, that night was amazing.

I knew this girl once, right? Who did drugs. But she doesn’t anymore. *nodnod*

1

Okay, so I’m only including this one because everyone knows footnotes are important. All academic papers must contain footnotes. 2

3

Furthermore, you really don’t seem like a teacher. You never teach anything! You just go on and on and on and on and on and on about stories like getting your wife’s bike fixed. If I fail the AP exam, I’m blaming you.