Dealing With The Boss (reader's Digest)

Dealing with the Boss THE BOSS wants to see you – these can be ominous words, and, no matter how clear your conscience, tend to produce anything from mild uneasiness to serious anxiety. This chapter considers the difficulties that sometimes occur when dealing with the boss, and discusses ways of overcoming them – not just by reducing nervousness, but by learning to deal more creatively and more effectively with the boss, the most important person in one’s working life. Remember also the larger perspective as you read this chapter. You are, after all, employed by your boss or your company to do a job of work, not just to further your own career and general well-being. Learning to work well with your boss will benefit not only you, but your boss as well, and the organization as a whole.

THE ORIGINS OF THE PROBLEM

Why should a meeting with the boss make you uneasy? There are many possible reasons. You can never forget that the boss has power over you and your daily life. He or she can assign you interesting and pleasant work – or the most uninteresting and unpleasant work. Directly or indirectly the boss controls your salary and your perks. Ultimately, you future lies in the boss’s hands. At one extreme, a boss may behave as little more than a senior colleague – coming round to chat constantly, asking your advice, nudging you rather than giving orders. A friend in other words, hardly a boss at all. At the other extreme, a boss may act like a distant god – keeping out of sight, yet wielding power fiercely when the occasion arises. Rumours emerge, from behind the closed door of that very private office, of fearful rows. The chances that your boss lies somewhere in between these two extremes – someone you have got to know quite well, and established reasonably friendly relations with, but still your boss. And at certain times he or she will bring this home to you, throwing you off balance and producing in you reactions that you have little control over.

Attitudes to the Boss There are four basic attitudes that people can adopt towards authority: aggression, submission, and indirect aggression, which are all negative; and simple assertiveness, which is positive.

Being aggressive. Some people cover up their anxiety by adopting an aggressive, combative front. They will not listen to ideas and suggestions, they regard reasonable instructions as harsh orders, and they automatically deny responsibility if criticized. They may even reject positive encouragement, imagining it to be part of some involved plot to get the better of them. In these circumstances, all dealings with the boss become antagonistic, and all interactions are seen as battles to be won or lost. Being submissive. Other people find that any encounter with the boss wafts them straight back to childhood, when they were dependent on the powerful people surrounding them. Everything the boss says must clearly be right, all criticism must be valid, any mistake must be of their making. Even when the boss invites their opinion, they feel unable to give it. If they ever have an idea, they assume that it is too simple-minded to mention. So they keep quiet at meetings, keep their heads down, and avoid their boss at all costs. Being indirectly aggressive. Some employees react inwardly rather than outwardly. They seethe with resentment or discontent, but seldom give open expression to such a feeling. They will not seek a confrontation with the boss, but neither will they avoid one if it arises. They may be clever and witty, but in a sarcastic, cynical, or bitter way. Indirectly aggressive employees are rarely honest about their feelings and views, so their relationship with the boss might look reasonable well balanced. But it is not. They are better at criticizing than proposing. They may say one thing to the boss, and another to their colleagues. Their energies disperse in negative and carping comments. The positive approach. As a subordinate, you can adopt a positive approach to authority that allows you to be yourself, to accept praise for your strengths, and to learn from mistakes. This approach is usually called assertiveness. A word of warning: don’t be put off by the word assertive. Assertiveness, in this context at least, is not a matter of stamping your foot and shouting. That is aggressiveness. Assertiveness means being firm but polite, determined yet flexible. The truly assertive person can be quiet, almost unnoticed – yet supremely effective in pursuing a rational course of action. When you act assertively in this sense, you take the positive elements from aggression and submission – aggression in dealing with unnecessary obstacles, submission in accepting necessary limitations and in exercising self-control. Assertiveness essentially means approaching situations expecting to negotiate with others as an equal; being aware of your own rights, but also being prepared to listen and respond to other people sympathetically. The result should be an easier, more productive, and less stressful life.

The power of assertiveness lies above all in this – that by changing your behaviour in small ways you can change the way that people respond to you. Positive behaviour on your part makes your relations with others more positive. And this makes your feelings about yourself more positive. A cycle of benefit gets under way.

Your Rights, Choices, and Goals Acting assertively at work involves, first of all, approaching your boss in a positive spirit. On the one hand, this means remembering that you are both part of the same team, working towards the same goal: the prosperity of your company or organization. You will, in other words, have to work hard and efficiently at your job to play fair by the boss. On the other hand, you have to remember your own rights – and so does your boss. That is playing fair by you. You have the right to: • • • • • • •

Be treated with respect Express you feelings and wishes Ask for what you want Say No without feeling guilty Make mistakes Ask for information Change you mind

Depending on you particular relationship with the boss, you may want to add some other important rights to the list. If you often have to work late, for example, what about your right to be given sufficient notice of when overtime is likely? Or if you feel that you are not allowed sufficient initiative, what about your right to make suggestions? But knowing your own rights is only one element in the equation. It is just as important for you to be aware of, and to respect, the rights of others. So while you have the right to ask for what you want, your boss has an equal right to say No to you. You may feel that you deserve a pay rise or a promotion, and you may put your case assertively. But you may not get what you want, and you must accept this without bearing a grudge. Assertiveness does not mean getting you way every time. ASSERTING YOURSELF

The assertive approach is direct, but not blunt. It is honest, open, and responsive. To take a simple example: the boss summons you at 4.30 and says There’s a backlog of urgent work, so can you work late tonight, please?’ But this is the night of your evening class, and you really should not miss it. An aggressive response would be to say “No way!’ – and then to feel angry and guilty at one and the same time. A submissive response would be to say ‘Yes’.

By contrast, an assertive response would be to refuse, politely and apologetically, and then to give your reasons, and finally perhaps seeing if there is any other way to help. Something along these lines: ‘It’s just not possible today. It’s my evening class, and if I miss this session it might mean giving up the course altogether. I could come in to work half an hour early tomorrow morning. Or if you can wait an extra day, I could work late tomorrow evening. Would that help?’ This is direct, clear, honest and helpful. You explain your wishes firmly, but you also show that you recognize the boss’s problem. LEARNING TO BE ASSERTIVE

Some people are ‘naturally’ assertive. But if you consider yourself either aggressive or submissive, take heart: assertiveness can be learned. Here are some simple rules: • • • • •

Know what you want and justify you wanting it; in time, you will feel more confident about wanting it and more entitled to have it. Speak in a way that conveys your wants and your confidence. This often requires you to speak about yourself and how you feel. You need to say, ‘I feel….’, ‘I want….’, ‘I need…’ If want to say No, say it, preferably as early as possible in your reply: ‘No, I’m afraid I can’t work late tonight.’ Avoid saying things that weaken your message, such as ‘when you have a moment’ or ‘if it’s not too much trouble’. Don’t undermine the effect of your words with an uncertain tone of voice or compromising body language. If you mumble and look at the floor while saying No, you betray a lack of confidence and your refusal might be ignored.

To familiarize yourself with assertive behaviour, observe other people at their daily routine. Are they acting aggressively, submissively, or assertively? Ask yourself why you classify them as you do, and you will begin identifying the various techniques peculiar to each type of behaviour. Then try modeling yourself on the assertive person. Start practicing your assertiveness in low-risk situations. Suppose, for example, you are in a shop and the assistant keeps serving latecomers ahead of you. What is your normal reaction? To make a scene? To storm out of the shop? To protest in a whining voice? To shrug and sulk and wait? Instead, try a different tack this time. In a quiet but firm voice, and with a friendly smile, draw the assistant’s attention with a polite ‘Excuse me’. Then explain that you really do need help, and that it is your turn to be served. Insist patiently. If for some reason the assistant genuinely cannot help you, you will have or accept this graciously. Of course, things will not always work out as you wish. Your first attempts at assertiveness may end in fiasco. But at least you can be proud of your self for trying

something new. And gradually, through practice, you will find yourself growing in confidence. Very soon you will be ready to try out a new way of handling the boss. MAKING A BETTER IMPRESSION

As an important first step in trying to improve relations with your boss, acknowledge to yourself that not all you encounters have proved disastrous. The really impossible boss is a very rare species. The fact is, employees tend to remember the few unpleasant encounters far more vividly than the usual humdrum exchanges. Her are a few hints on how to get on better with the boss. Make the most of informal meetings. An old maxim among business people runs, ‘More business gets done over the lunch table than over the boardroom table.; Informal meetings can benefit an employee’s relationship with the boss. They include accidental get-togethers in the canteen, or in some work-based sport or leisure activity. Such occasions allow you to learn more about the boss as a person. Equally in the more relaxed atmosphere of an informal meeting, you may more easily let your boss discover who you are as a person. Sometimes, during informal meetings, you may get the praise and encouragement that you do not usually get at other times. Don’t be afraid to ask. To get a job done properly, you often ought to seek help or advice from others. You may, for example, find yourself dealing with a tricky legal problem at work, and you need time off, and the boss’s backing, to consult a lawyer for specialist advice. Or you may need a more reliable word processor to help you to do your work more efficiently. Don’t be afraid to ask for such things. Prepare a clear and wellbalanced case, and resent it assertively. You stand every chance of getting a favourable response: after all, your request indicates that you take your work seriously. Be prepared to accept praise. Surveys show an interesting difference in perception between bosses and subordinates when it comes to the matter of praise. Bosses tend to feel that they are generous in giving praise and encouragement: subordinates tend to feel that they receive less praise and encouragement than their efforts merit. A factor behind this discrepancy may be that subordinates refuse to accept praise properly. Suppose you have done a job well, and your boss thanks and praises you for your commitment and success. How do you respond? Do you reflect on what the boss has said, acknowledge it to yourself as your due deserts, and feel appropriately pleased? Or do you feel embarrassed, and play down the praise, as if arguing that It was undeserved? Beware of saying things such as, ‘Oh, it was nothing,’ or ‘I was just doing my job; This type of response may seem becomingly modest to you, but it can appear ungracious to others. An honest, heartfelt ‘thank you’ for the praise accompanied by a gratified smile would be a far more positive response – don’t forget that your boss needs encouragement as well as you.

Listen to criticism. Many of the people who are deaf to praise turn out to have very acute hearing for criticism. They regard any helpful suggestion as a form of criticism, and treat any criticism as a form of personal attack. Few people actually like to be criticized, particularly by the boss. But criticism is not necessarily destructive or demeaning; it can be a valuable form of feedback, which should help you to improve your work in future. Listen carefully to criticism, and suppress any impulse to react unthinkingly. Remember too that people generally do not like to criticize. This partly explains why they make their criticisms so awkwardly. If your boss, in criticising you, seems to be launching a personal attack, try to make allowance for this. Separate the content of the remarks from the manner in which they are delivered. Not an easy task of course, when you are reeling from what seems like a disproportionate onslaught, but it does get easier with practice. Treat the interview as a discussion rather that an argument. If the boss is in a blustering mood, try to calm things down by saying, in a quiet voice, a few opening words, such as; ‘I understand everything that you’ve said so far. I’d like to respond to it. Would you like to hear what I have to say?’ The boss cannot very well refuse. And if your first attempt does not work, just say, again in a calm voice, something along these lines: ‘This is obviously not a good time to discuss this. I’ll make an appointment later, and we can talk about it then.’ Then take your leave – without slamming the door behind you. Come back later in a calmer frame of mind. If the boss does want to hear your response, take your time. Keep a cool head if you can, and go through the criticisms point by point in an assertive, adult way. Begin with those criticisms you accept as fair. Acknowledge the, accept responsibility, and if appropriate apologise. Undertake to improve things, and explain – without trying to let yourself off the hook – how you came to err or falter in the first place. Once you have made this handsome admission, the boss will be far more amenable to the next phase of your response – the part where you disagree. When discussing the unfair criticisms, again keep a level voice: don’t whine or thunder to convey your sense of injustice. Explain, in an unthreatening way. Don’t put the boss in the wrong. If the criticisms miss the mark through some factual inaccuracy, point this out in a matter-of-fact tone – don’t pounce gloatingly on the error. Even when criticism is justified, the recipients tend to react defensively. This is not only an inappropriate response – it is wasteful too. If you are busy raging inwardly, dragging up every argument in your defense, you will not take in the criticism properly, and hence will not learn the useful lessons it might contain. You may not welcome hearing that you have done a job badly or made a mistake, but at least that could teach you how to do things more effectively in future.

So don’t react overdefensively to criticism, as if denying that you could ever be capable of doing anything wrong. But don’t go to the other extreme either, by behaving as if you deserve more criticism than you get. If you agree with a criticism tat the boss makes of you, accept your error, give your explanation, and apologise – but only once. Don’t grovel and belittle yourself. A more mature and assertive follow-up might take this form: first, if appropriate, ask what you can do to make up for your mistake and redeem yourself; and then, ask if anything else in your work performance needs improving too. This will show your boss that you are keen to learn and to do well.

The Appraisal Interview This is a formal interview (typically held once a year) at which you and your boss discuss your job performance – past, present, and future. Its general aim is to improve the efficiency of company staff, and hence of the company itself. From the interviewee’s point of view, however, it may feel more like an ordeal, determining as it often does salary rises, suitability for promotion, further training courses, and so on. Shortly before your appraisal interview, the boss will have spent some time thinking about you and your particular job and may have read a written report on you submitted by you immediate superior. Your boss now has to discuss with you how well you are doing, what strengths and weakness you have, what problems or opportunities face you, and what can be done to help you. One way of ensuring a fair appraisal is to keep your own account of your job performance during the year. First, you need to understand clearly what is required of you, the standards that you are expected to meet and the objectives you were set. If you have any doubts about these, the sooner you clarify them the better – ask your boss, if necessary. You can then keep an accurate record of your performance – the dates when you completed projects, tasks you did efficiently or poorly, the training that you underwent and the benefits you derived from it. These records will help you to put your case convincingly in the interview. If you have not done as well as expected in any particular area of work, think beforehand how you can explain this in the interview. (Again, make notes to guide you.) And think too much about remedies for that particular weak area – if you feel that special training will put things right, take the opportunity of the interview to ask for it. The best preparation for the appraisal interview, however, is obviously to sustain a good regular understanding and have regular discussions with your boss during the preceding

year. The appraisal interview will then seem little more than another of your occasional meetings. You will feel not only relatively relaxed, but relatively confident as well. Remember too the importance of having the right attitude. The appraisal interview is not designed as an occasion for you to get your yearly thrashing. Like all interviews, it should be a two-way process in which both interviewer and the interviewee should listen and talk frankly. If you say nothing, your boss will not thank you for it. And if you become angry or rude, you will do your cause no good either. In particular, don’t remain silent in the face of vague criticism – ask for specific examples of your alleged shortcomings. Accept fair criticism in a positive and forward-looking spirit, and ask what you can do to improve matters. Even a stern interview can provide an opportunity for you to shine if you know how. Suppose, in one of the worst of instances, the boss accuses you of being ‘lazy and lethargic’. How do you react? You can accept the criticism submissively, or defy it aggressively. Or you can keep your head: ‘Clearly, that is a serious charge you are leveling at me. In fairness to myself, I wonder if you could give me an instance of when I have been lazy and lethargic.’ The boss now has to work out what gave rise to this impression. It may prove the result of one isolated incident – and, moreover, an incident the boss misinterpreted. In fact, you were suffering from a devastating migraine that day – unsurprisingly, you were not on your best form. You can explain: ‘I remember that day, and yes, I’m sorry, I was not working as well as I should have been. However, I would like to explain…’

Influencing the Boss If you want to learn to influence the boss, you have to understand how the process of influencing someone works. Note that it is a process, not a one-off accomplishment: you do not just enter your boss’s office, win your point, and leave. The process has several steps, and if you miss any of these, your chances of success are reduced. First of all, prepare a rough strategy for the presentation of your proposal – both the content and the style. To take a simple example: your project at work is running behind schedule, and things are getting on top of you. You need an extra pair of hands in your team. You have discussed the matter briefly with one of your colleagues in charge of another project, who mentioned that he could spare one of the people working for him. The obvious course of action, then, is to transfer this person from his team to your team. But what seems obvious to you may not be obvious to the boss. Stop to think what objections he may have. Perhaps your colleague’s subordinate is a trainee, specifically

assigned to his project to get experience of that kind of work. Try to anticipate such objections before approaching your boss, and think of your counterarguments. You should also take into account the kind of person your boss is, and prepare your ground accordingly. A hard-hearted, logical manager will suspect any ‘hard sell’, and may be put off by any sudden display of enthusiasm on your part. A tough boss might also be unmoved by any appeal for a lighter workload for you personally. If so, you will have to tailor your presentation accordingly – pitching your proposals in a cold, systematic way, stressing how the project or company will benefit from them. Having outlined for yourself a broad strategy, you can proceed with the opening moves. These do not consist of rushing into the boss’s office with ideas. No matter how enthusiastic you are about your proposals, never disregard the standard rules of behaviour. Exchange the usual pleasantries, and ask if it is a convenient time to meet. When, in due course, you do have the boss’s go-ahead and attention, force yourself once again to curb your impatience. Don’t launch straight into your ‘sales pitch’ – not yet. Make soundings first on the general topic – how your boss feels about the way things are running at present, and how he might feel about any course of action that you might put forward. After all, a boss who is unaware of a problem in the first place will hardly share your enthusiasm for your proposed solution. And remember – a simple piece of psychology, this – the boss is far likelier to see thing s your way if he arrives at the ideas himself rather than learning them directly from you. So ask plenty of questions – how does he view the progress of your project? And the quality of the work? Listen carefully to any criticisms. If you actually take written notes of these, this can help in two ways. First, it reassures the boss that you are taking his opinions seriously; secondly, it enables you to see more clearly what his priorities are – cost, efficiency, morale, punctuality. Next, start to direct the interview towards your proposal. If the boss has failed, despite all your prompting, to recognize the problem you will now have to lay it out explicitly. But do so in terms that will strike a sympathetic chord. If, for example, your boss’s main priorities seem to be efficiency and morale, explain the pressure that you and your existing team are working under and the likely mistakes, misunderstandings, and general inefficiency that this will cause sooner or later. At this point, stop to ask a few more questions, in the hope that the boss will now come up with your own idea for solving the problem. If he suggests a different – and unsuitable- solution, you should be able to argue him out of it. Eventually, you may have to spell out the solution yourself. Present it in such a way as to play up the boss’s particular priority, efficiency – emphasise, for example, how the

project will get back on schedule, and how, perhaps, the trainee will broaden his or her experience on your project. You may have to argue your case quite vigorously. You may also have to make compromises, and repackage what you are proposing – perhaps work out an arrangement whereby you share the trainee. Or your boss may remember another person the department who has time on his hands at the moment and could, in fact, serve your purposes better than the trainee. But at least, if you have made your case well, the boss is on your side. Assuming the interview has gone well, and the boss has indicated approval of your proposals – before you leave the office, flushed with success, make sure that you pin him down. It is no help to secure an agreement ‘in principle’: you need to put your ideas into practice. So spell things out. Ensure that you get explicit permission for the necessary actions. You do not want any comeback later in the form of words like these: ‘I didn’t give permission for you to do this; we were just exploring ideas.’ To make things safer still you could follow up your meeting with a written memo, summarizing your proposals once again and specifying the actions for which you received permission. If your boss can never spare enough time for a full meeting, or has a particularly prickly or particularly indecisive characte4r, you could divide the whole process into two stages. First, an exploratory stage, when you sound him out – how he feels about the progress of your project, and how he might take to your proposal. Ideally, this takes place at a relaxed moment, perhaps at the end of a satisfactory one-to-one meeting on another matter. After this preliminary approach, you might adjust your ideas and come back later for the second stage.

Coping with an Unreasonable Boss Most bosses do try to be reasonable. Sometimes, however, you may strike unlucky, and find yourself working for a compulsively unreasonable boss. Typically, this kind of boss finds fault with everything you do – mostly without justification- criticizes you in public, contrasts your work sarcastically with that of a favoured colleague, and generally tries to put you down. The rules for dealing with this very unpleasant situation are: first and foremost, never lose your temper – that would just be playing into the boss’s hands. Always keep cool and listen politely. But be assertive – accept only criticism that is valid; if you shrug your shoulders at injustices, you will encourage the unreasonable boss to continue in his or her unreasonableness.

Eventually, you might feel the need to ‘have it out’ with the boss. Do so in a quiet, assertive way. Arrange a private meeting, and bring the problem out into the open. ‘We are not getting along very well. This is no good for either of us, and I’d like to put it to rights. I feel that a lot of your criticisms are unjustified. Please tell me what I can do – specifically – to improve things. Some people, in desperation, turn to yet more drastic action. They have tried all the approaches listed above- and got nowhere. So they try one of various very last resorts. They get their colleagues on their side, and issue a joint protest to the boss. Or they go over the boss’s head to someone even higher in the organization, putting this person in the picture, and requesting either intervention or a transfer to another department. If you feel you have no option but to attempt such action, make double sure that your own behaviour is beyond reproach. Before turning to higher authority, seek out your boss and explain exactly what you plan to do. This interview will undoubtedly be difficult, possible acrimonious, but it is a step you have to take if you are to be above-board and honest. In all cases remember this: playing ‘politics’ is a dangerous game, and you should turn to it only when all other , assertive, efforts have failed.