Cow News #14

LIBRARY BANS COWS Passaic, NJ-The Orange Julius Frostman Library on Gregory Avenue has had it with cows. For the past few months a herd of rowdy bovines has taken over the library creating havoc for the staff and their customers. A quiet library has become a hangout for cows. According to Head Custodian Robert Holstein, cows have eaten up all the grass and shrubbery outside. They also drop massive cowpies on the sidewalk and three patrons were recently injured when they slipped and fell into the manure. Once inside, the bulky bovines knock over the chairs, tables and displays and have even been caught in the restroom having sex with each other. Milk stains are all over the carpet. They constantly moo so loud that shushing bookworms cannot cowncentrate on their reading. Many of the cows have even charged the library staff when told to pay fines for overdue books and viciously slapped them in the mouth with their tails. Head Librarian Rhoda Dick is outraged. "These salacious, stupid, and smelly animals can't read. All they do is look at the pictures and moo. Libraries should be for people not animals, but in Passaic it's getting hard to tell the difference! One Indian patron told me that these grounds belong to the cows and that in his country they are allowed everywhere. I bitch slapped him upside the head and told him that he was in America now and these cows belong in McDonald's not the Public Library!" We contacted City Hysteerian Mork Acerbate to give us the lowdown and he thanked us for waking him up because he did not have an alarm clock: "Did you know that Hitler was a vegetarian? We must kill these cows immediately. What if they spread mad cow disease to Agendaville's citizens? My research on this subject has shown that the library grounds use to be an ancient stud barn for a breed of bovines known as Shirelles. However, they sold this land in 1909 to OJ Frostman and legally have no claim to the land." In recent days Passaic Police Chief Rusty Zipper has beefed up security at the Library and vows that any cow found within 100 feet of the building will be arrested for trespassing. "Here in Agendaville we don't have to be prodded to deal with our cattle problems. These arrogant and bossy cows will be driven from the library pronto." As usual the blame for the cow flap fell at the fungus feet of DAILY COW publisher David Mooey. Since mooving in July from 121 Gregory Avenue (just down the street from the Public Library) to 87 Richard Street (the udder side of town), cows have no place to hang out. His vast cowlection of books and cow archives are currently in a storage bin on River Drive making them inaccessible to the bovine population. When pressed for a statement the Ritalin-popping Mooey said, "When the hallowed corridors of a library are heavy with the scent of cow, it is the end of living and the beginning of survival. We will reclaim our sacred breeding ground."

TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN COW Atlantic City, NJ-A monument honoring cows was unveiled yesterday adjacent to the Taj Mahal Casino. The Tomb of the Unknown Cow honors the millions of working cows in America who have been slaughtered and milked to feed this wonderful consumption-driven nation in the past century. The garish structure, in the shape of a classic cow, stands on a solid gold pedestal, painted in a black & white motif, spans a city block and stands three stories high. Designed by world renowned architect Ophelia Crack, it is estimated to have cost over 20 million dollars to construct. The 1st floor is a museum dedicated to a nation of unknown and dead cows. Visitors enter through an area marked "use udder door" and are given a one hour tour entitled "The Wonderful World of Bovines." Highlights include exhibits devoted to Clarabella, Elsie Borden, various dairies, beef companies, cutlery and farming. An electronic talking cow named Buttercup Bonanza follows visitors on the tour and demonstrates the entire process of how milk is made whilst munching on artificial hay. A souvenir shop sells milk, ice cream, cheese, leather goods, and cow figurines. In one room you can milk a live cow and in another a live cow is butchered. A special Prayer & Scream room has been included for people to give their devotions to these special animals who have given so much and asked for so little in return.

The 2nd floor contains a new casino called the Cash Cow Casino where over 400 new video slot machines with a bovine theme are ready to suck the moola out of feverish gambler's pockets. Slot machines include Udder Mania, Milk Money, Moo Money, Haywire, Meat Millions, Hay Fever, Leather Lucre, Dairy Dollars, Bet The Farm, Purple Cow Sevens, Bovine Bucks, and the very popular Cud Cash. The Udder Mania progressive jackpot winner gets a herd of Jersey cows and a farm in upstate New York. A special Prayer & Scream room is also included on this floor for gamblers who have given so much and gotten so little in return.

UDDER BRAS TAKE HOLD Ogletown, DE- When it comes to udders, American cows get a T rating (for titanic) at least in cup size. According to a survey by Merrill Lynch ("We're Bullish on America") almost 44% of American cows now wear bras. The bovine brassieres are manufactured by a Twin Peaks, California company called Bovine Udder Bras Amalgamated (BUBA) which reported profits of over $36 million dollars last year. Farmers continue to complain about this latest fashion trend citing the time it takes before and after milking to unhook and rehook the bras to the udder. "It cuts down on our productivity and besides we like to see them swinging those loaded cannons when they come into the barn. Now with them holstered we ain't getting titillated no more. It's just another boring day in the milking parlor for us with these prudish cows," said unhappy farmer Dick Wacker. In addition, the survey showed that 42% of the cows thought their udders were pear shaped, 40% said they were pendulous, and 18% said they looked like milk bags. The survey concluded that cows are getting more modest about their private parts as they enter the 21st century. A majority would even consider stepping into underwear and lingerie when they hit the market!

BUTT MASSAGE MAY HELP BOVINES Jolly Dump, SD- If a farmer tells you to "stick it where the sun don't shine," they might be doing you a favor. According to Dr. Ben Dover a sex-cum-proctologist-cum-veterinarian, a finger up your cow's bottom for 30 seconds a day can improve her health. The good doctor (who we refused to shake hands with) explained to us that "sphincter tension" is a major cause of death in cows today. He says the best way to relieve this tension is by shoving a clean finger up their rear ends at least twice a day. "These cows are under tremendous amounts of pressure to produce unlimited quantities of milk and deliver prize calves. They are overworked, constipated, and pissed off at the world. When I give them the finger they smile at me and go on to lead productive lives." Many bovine health experts like Howie Feltersnatch are poo-poohing Dover's claims saying that most assholes like to be left alone. "This notion that cow sphincters are tense is asinine. I have never been around a cow who didn't let fly with her fecal calling card within 15 minutes of meeting me. They are the most relaxed creatures on the face of this fertile earth and have very little stress to deal with. This crackpot Ben Dover is a filthy pervert dispensing suppository advice to a nation of farmers who will listen to any quack with a degree when they get behind in their payments to the bank. The digital age of farming means computerized pie and flow charts not fingers in the derriere (dairyair!)."

FLANK SINATRA BUYS THE FARM Crapo, MD- Beloved crooner, bullshit artist and reputed mobsteer Flank Sinatra passed away last night after a two year battle with Hoof In Mouth Disease. A month prior to his death he was able to record one last song entitled "Scooby Dooby Moo" which was released yesterday and shot to the top of the charts with a bullet. The bull with the golden throat had many hits over the years including "The Bossy Is A Tramp," Kick Your Ass In The Grass," "Heifers In The Night," "Something In The Way She Moos" and "Milkman Magic." He barnstormed the world over and delighted farm animals with his big barn concerts. Born in Cheesequake, New Jersey the skinny bull with blue eyes found the world of entertainment more to his liking than a male bovines usual career in studom. His string of six marriages over the years to the likes of Josie Bigbooty, Mary Humpstone, Barb Dwyer, Mary Christmas, Penny Pincher and the underage Uretha Franklin all ended in bitter acrimony. His well publicized penile reduction surgery ten years ago scandalized the bovine world. Flank's lack of progeny over the years led many to whisper that he was impotent. He often got in trouble with the law for being friendly with members of the Milk Mafia and trampling anyone who

got in his way. Flank Sinatra will be buried next week at his summer farm in Weed Heights, Nevada. The inscription on his tombstone is purported to be: "Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it."

GAY HUNGER STRIKE ENDS Sandwich, NH- An emaciated Guernsey named Lizz B. Ann ended her three month hunger strike yesterday saying that by becoming a vegetable she was only serving the interests of her enemies. Ms. Liz B. Ann, a resident of Dyke Brothers Farm, and other homoosexual cows is upset that they are being segregated from each other and not allowed to lead a homogenized life together. In a statement released to the Internet newsgroup alt.butch.cows she explained: "As calves we are branded queer, separated from the herd, and as soon as we approach adulthood butchered in order to erase our genetic bloodline. All we are asking is not to be bullied (we prefer artificial insemination) and the opportunity to marry our sisters and live out our lives in contentment. All beings, regardless of sexual orientation, must be treated equally. Give Me Tongue Or Give Me Death!" Lesbian cows seeking sanctuary may write to Sappho Farms in Utah where same sex cows are taken in and treated with love, respect and understanding.

By David R. Wyder/Daily Cow #14