Cocos I By Chloe

Screenplay

INT. PACKED THEATRE - NIGHT. Tim Minchin is coming to the end of a brilliant piano solo. CHLOE Squee! ALEXA EXTRAS We want more! We want more! We want more! Tracey lurks in the background TIM I need to get away from these multitudes of fangirls! Tim jumps in a taxi to make a quick getaway. CHLOE Come back! I have wine for you! *flings* Chloe thinks for a moment, stroking an imaginary goatee. CHLOE Weeblackpirateninjakittehs, track him down.... WEEBLACKNINJAPIRATEKITTEHS Mew. Everyone leaves. SHRIEKING SHACK Damn. Am I too late to be in the scene? EXT. A CRAGGY MOUNTAIN SOMEWHERE IN SCOTLAND - EARLY MORNING Tim is making his way across the countryside. Needless to say he is looking wonderful. TIM Ah, it’s good to get away from all of those fangirls. Although the one with the wine did seem rather nice. It’ll be good to have some peace and quiet.

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2.

STEREOTYPICAL AUSSIE TOURIST SOFIE G’day mate! Would you like a shrimp on the barbie!? TIM Err. STEREOTYPICAL AUSSIE TOURIST SOFIE Hey, you look kinda weird...do you have a few Kangaroos loose in the top paddock? Tim just looks at her. STEREOTYPICAL AUSSIE TOURIST SOFIE I’m abso-bloody-lutely pooped. Mind if I rest here with you for a while? I’ve got a really good joke about a Kiwi and a Pom! Hey, do you like my cork hat! Tim runs. EXT. A FEW MILES BEHIND AT THE SAME TIME. The weeblackpirateninjakittehs are slowly gaining on Tim. WEEBLACKPIRATENINJAKITTEHS Mew. Tracey lurks. The Shrieking Shack is puffing along, far in the distance, desperate to be included in a scene. INT. AN ATMOSPHERIC CAVE - DAY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE NIGHT. A Soothsayer is reclining on a mossy bed and saying wise stuff. SOOTHSAYER DENISE A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.......A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle......Always look on the bright side of life *whistles*.....Do what you can, with what you have, where you are....

3. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE HIGHLANDS - LATE MORNING. Tim is valiantly making his way through thistles and stuff. TIM It really is rather lonesome out here.... HIGHLAND CHIEFTAN AARON Ah dinnae want tae be rude, but has tha spied me haggis? TIM Your haggis? HIGHLAND CHIEFTAN AARON Aye, ma haggis TIM No, all I want is a little peace and quiet HIGHLAND CHIEFTAN AARON Ah canny be bathered looking for ma haggis. If ya see the wee one, send him on home aye? TIM Aye..... Unbeknownst to Highland Chieftan Aaron, his wee haggis has been taken by Tracey. Rest in Peace wee highland haggis. EXT. A FEW MILES ON - A FEW HOURS LATER. Tim is just about to climb over a fallen tree when he hears a noise behind him. WEEBLACKPIRATENINJAKITTEHS Mew. TIM Hello there, who are you? WEEBLACKPIRATENINJAKITTEHS Purr. The weeblackpirateninjakittehs exchange looks and send out a psychic thingamajig to Chloe alerting her that they have found Tim. All of a sudden a Pantomime Horse clip clops into the scene.

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4.

TIM Hello, oddly comical horse FRONT HALF OF HORSE Winny! BACK HALF OF HORSE Neigh! KIDS IN THE AUDIENCE Look out he’s behind you! Quick turn around! TIM What do you mean "he’s behind me?" The only person I see is a ravishing beauty dressed in blue ’HES’ *giggles* Chloe arrives on the scene in the nick of time. CHLOE Stop! Not "He’s" It’s Hes! Hes is behind you! The lady in blue is Hes! TIM Hes....? FRONT HALF OF HORSE Yes, I’ve heard of her BACK HALF OF HORSE Isn’t she that relatively non-scary Mod on CoS Forums? TIM A talking Pantomime Horse! All of a sudden, Soothsayer Denise wanders up. SOOTHSAYER DENISE I think you’ll find that you’ve all been taken in EVERYBODY *shock* SOOTHSAYER DENISE The person that you believe to be Hes is actually.... (CONTINUED)

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5.

Everybody gasps as Soothsayer Denise rips off the mask SOOTHSAYER DENISE Tracey! Booyah! TRACY Consarnit. Tracey tries to make a run for it, but is stopped by Highland Chieftan Aaron and Stereotypical Aussie Tourist SoFie who have inexplicably turned up. STEREOTYPICAL AUSSIE TOURIST SOFIE Struth! HIGHLAND CHIEFTAN AARON Ah dannae ken what’s goin’ on here, but ah dannae like it! CHLOE I’m not getting very many lines HANA At least you’ve gotten more than me! BACK HALF OF PANTOMIME HORSE At least you have a head... TRACEY I’m still here people SOOTHSAYER DENISE Err, right. What is your purpose exactly? TRACEY Thats not very nice SOOTHSAYER DENISE I’m Denevol. Deal with it. TRACEY Fine, I’ll just mosey on home then. I have things to plot anyway. That Lily girl needs to be dealt with for one thing... Tracey leaves and they all heave a sigh of relief.

(CONTINUED)

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6.

SOOTHSAYER DENISE So, everyone back to my place for some complementary refreshments? INT. SOOTHSAYER DENISE’S CAVE - SUNSET HIGHLAND CHIEFTAN AARON Ya make a good cup o’ tea. Ah’ll give ya that much. FRONT HALF OF PANTOMIME HORSE Stop with the ridiculous accent. Nobody is buying it. AARON Fine Aaron sulks in a corner. RANDOM ALEXA EXTRA Wait...where did that Aussie sheila go? They all rush to the mouth of the cave and peer out. Stereotypical Aussie Tourist SoFie is making off in a kangaroo’s pouch. STEREOTYPICAL AUSSIE TOURIST SOFIE Yeehaw! TIM Fancy that EXT. OUTSIDE SOOTHSAYER DENISE’S CAVE - THE NEXT MORNING CHLOE Okay. Time for a roll call. We have Aaron, Soothsayer Denise, Hana, Timmy, Weeblackpirateninjakittehs and a few Alexa extras? EVERYONE Yep/Mew TIM Chloe, I’d like to thank you for the wine that you flung at me the other night. Chloe giggles.

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7.

TIM It distracted the other fangirls enough for me to make a quick getaway. But I must ask you, why have you been following me across this craggy Scottish countryside? CHLOE I um. Err...You’re as clever as Yoda and as beautiful as Princess Leia...um... Luckily, Tim decides to take this as a compliment. SOOTHSAYER DENISE I think that should be the other way round y’know, but I am pretty strange. You crazy kids go on ahead. I have wise things to proclaim to the mountains. Don’t forget to let me know if theres a song and dance number coming up later on AARON Sure thing odd, yet wise mountain lady EXT. A PRETTY SILVER STREAM - 2:20PM The group comes to said stream. AARON I’ll go first because I’m a boy and all that jazz... Everybody rolls their eyes. Aaron charges through the stream in a moment that will look epic in slow motion with the right music to set if off perfectly. ALEXA EXTRA 1 Me next! ALEXA EXTRA 2 My turn! ALEXA EXTRA 3 Help! I can’t swim And so they bid goodbye to another member of their party. (CONTINUED)

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8.

Chloe is just about to cross when a terrible shrieking is heard. SHRIEKING SHACK Don’t look at me. I’m out of breath trying to catch up to you guys A hoard of fangirls is charging toward them. FRONT HALF OF PANTOMIME HORSE Ye gads! AARON Quick everybody over! GOGOGO! BACK HALF OF PANTOMIME HORSE I’ll get my furry hoofs wet! I’ll have that awful wet fabric smell! FRONT HALF OF You’re holding me back! breaking it off between would never have worked

PANTOMIME HORSE I’m us! It anyway!

Chloe, Front Half, Tim, Hana and a few more Alexa Extras jump over the stream. The Tim fangirls (for this is what they are) arrive on the scene drooling and waving merchandise to be signed. Back Half is torn limb from fabric limb. CHLOE They can’t cross the stream! The water repels them because they’re afraid any contact that they’ve had with you will wash off! TIM Well that buys us a little time. Can you help me escape from these crazy fangirls? AARON Sure thing odd, yet brilliant piano man

9. EXT. AN ANCIENT FOREST - 5:14PM FRONT HALF Here’s the plan AARON (muttering) Now the half a horse is a strategist.... FRONT HALF We lure the fangirls to this strategic position *points to map* by playing ’Not Perfect’... CHLOE Squee! FRONT HALF ....and then when they’re all swooning everywhere.... CHLOE I can relate FRONT HALF Stop interrupting!....we substitute Tim with somebody else! Front Half of Pantomime Horse looks pleased with itself. AARON Substitute with who though? Everybody looks serious and thoughtful. HANA Could we use a SHEEPES!? AARON Way to steal the scene Hana CHLOE What about if we got some generically popular person and transferred their crazy obsession to him? I reckon they’ll move on as some as somebody else comes on the scene anyway TIM I agree. In fact I once said quite the same thing in one of my blogs

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10.

CHLOE (innocently) I had no idea FRONT HALF Err right, moving the flimsy plot on again, who are we going to get? CHLOE It doesn’t really matter. They just have to be aesthetically pleasing.... SOOTHSAYER DENISE (poking head in rudely) I would have said ’interesting’ myself CHLOE ...back to your mountain you!