| Co L L E G E O F C

14

| CO L L E G E O F C H A RLESTON

AofPlace Her Own Senior Kelly Noll stands out on campus. A truly unique student, she has emerged from adversity shining, confident and in control. by Alicia Lutz ’98 photos by Nancy Santos

urious psychology major, insightful writer, talented artist, entertaining conversationalist, clever computer aficionado, amateur graphic designer: These are just bits and pieces of senior Kelly Noll, a recently diagnosed autistic woman who has overcome not just a pervasive developmental disorder, but also 30 years of being misunderstood, mistreated and discouraged. “I always knew I was different, that there might be something ‘wrong’ with me,” Noll says, recalling visiting the library at age 12 to hunt through psychology books for clues about what exactly it was that set her apart. “I wasn’t opposed to labels … I just wanted the right one.” She finally got the right one at the age of 33. After studying at the College for a stint and then leaving school for 11 years, Noll returned in 2004 to major in psychology. It wasn’t long before she learned about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), the range of developmental and behavioral disorders that are characterized by unusual or repetitive behaviors and varying degrees of impairment in abstract thinking and in communication and social skills. “I’ll never forget it,” she says, remembering studying the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and realizing that she “met each and every one” of the criteria for autism. Upon professional diagnosis about nine months later, Noll says she “started laughing because of all the misunderstandings that could be explained. So many things started making sense to

me then” – the years of being misinterpreted and misunderstood; the preoccupation with activities that most people deemed irrelevant; the bewilderment in social situations; the discomfort in loud, crowded places; the rigid, logical approach to experiencing emotional triggers. It is rare for an autistic child to make it through school undiagnosed. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, most children are diagnosed by age 3, and some as early as 18 months. But milder ASD – such as Asperger syndrome and highfunctioning autism – occasionally go unnoticed. And, because each individual experiences autism differently, its signs can sometimes be dismissed as personality quirks or social anxieties. Regardless of why Noll’s autism was overlooked for so long, the official diagnosis brought her a great sense of relief. “My embarrassment about my differences has gone away,” she says. “I really think that all of the rejection and all of the problems in my life stemmed from not knowing I had autism. I didn’t know why I was having difficulties, but they all make more sense to me now. The basis of the shame in my life disappeared the day I was diagnosed.” The difficulties and problems Noll refers to are many. She grew up misunderstood, mistreated and essentially dispirited. As a child, she felt neglected at home, humiliated at school and discouraged at professional counseling. SPRIN G 2 0 0 7 |

15

“I was always told there was no hope for me,” she says. “But since I was about 4, I have been aware that I am not alone in this world. Consequently, I have never been without hope for myself. I have held onto it when there was really nothing to hold onto.”

That’s right: Despite her situation, Noll stuck to her studies, ultimately earning a high-B average for the semester – a feat that some students living in even the most posh downtown apartments have a hard time pulling off.

But Noll’s hope has definitely been tested. In recent years she has been assaulted by the police, robbed by a confidant and unexpectedly turned away from her home by a landlord, forcing her to live out of her car.

Now living successfully on her own, Noll partially attributes her achievements under such conditions to the rigid, logical thinking so common to those with ASD. “Logic always overcomes emotion for me,” she says. “If logic isn’t reigning in my mind, then it’s only a matter of time before it will be.”

“I felt like my legs had liquid nitrogen in them and that my bones were made of steel,” she says, remembering the coldest nights in her car. “But I couldn’t give up on school. Not quitting was my only ace in the hole.”

16

| CO L L E G E O F C H A RLESTON

That is not to say, however, that she does not feel emotions; she is simply able to analyze her way out of them. “When things get hard, I do get upset, but logic always prevails. What I do is quote

a proverb to myself that says, ‘As a man thinks, so is he.’” This proverb provokes Noll to look closely and honestly at the thoughts that are causing her to feel negative emotions. “Most of the time I find I am looking at the present through my past, casting so much in a negative light,” she says. “I have found that when I rethink the situation and work toward changing the internal dialogue about it, my emotions align themselves with my thinking. Most people tend to think that they won’t think better thoughts until they have better feelings, but this has always been self-defeating for me.”

The College and the people in disability

services have had a profound impact on my life.

If it weren’t for them, I don’t know where I’d be, but I definitely wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I definitely wouldn’t be graduating in May, either.

— Kelly Noll TheCollege’sCenterforDisabilityServicesensuresthatallaspectsofthe campusareequallyaccessibleforallstudents.Anaverageof700students,

This concrete, logical thinking is not uncommon to people with ASD, nor is the lack of “emotional memory.” In other words, people with ASD may remember an event that caused them grief, and even remember that it caused them grief, without remembering how the grief actually felt. So, it seems that the very thing that has made Noll’s life so difficult has also helped her move on without all the emotional baggage.

orabout7percentofthestudentbody,usesthecenterinsomewayeach

“Because my brain is a little impaired, if I get distracted from the hurt, or if I go to sleep and then wake up, the hurt feelings are gone,” she says. “I will remember the incident that sparked them, but I won’t feel pain. This makes it very easy to forgive others, so I take advantage of this little defect in my brain. I don’t hold grudges, and I’m not bitter. I’m pretty much like a dog in that respect.”

facilitatecommunicationbetweenstudentsandfaculty.Thecenteralsooffers

That Noll sees the humor in herself, her autism and even some of her past is clear both in her conversation and her writing. She laughs easily and often and seems to enjoy having this little “oddity” to poke fun at. “I decided a long time ago that, if I was going to get along with people, I had to learn to laugh about my strangeness,” she says. “I think it helps people feel more comfortable that I, at least, know that I’m answering their question inappropriately or that I’m going on and on about something they don’t care about.” Indeed, her autism has proven a great conversation piece, as well as the subject of a few of her essays. “I’m often the target of my humor,” says Noll. “I think everyone should be able to laugh at themselves. It’s therapy.” Noll recalls that, even the first time she really tried to write, it was that catharsis she was after. She was 19 and had recently emerged from a major clinical depression. “When I sat down to write about it, the humor really came out. I thought, ‘Hey, I could do this again.’” Noll’s talent is not limited to writing. She also has a knack for fixing computers and working with design software, although she admits “that’s more out of persistence – or obsession – than out of talent.” But it’s her artwork that is so remarkable. In fact, her pen-andink drawings of Porters Lodge, Randolph Hall, the Promenade

semester.Abouthalfofthosestudentshavelearningdisabilities;theothers have different physical or psychological issues – from autism to vision impairment to schizophrenia to fibromyalgia. TheCenterforDisabilityServicesnotonlymonitorscampusaccessibility and finds ways around accessibility issues, but provides educational opportunitiesforstudentsandemployeesaswellasanyassistanceneededto individualizedaccommodationsforstudents,whetherit’salternativetesting sites,assistivetechnologyorevenasteadyhandinthechemistrylab.Above all,thecenter’sdedicatedstaffandteamofstudentworkersworktopromote students’ independence and an environment respectful of all.

and Blacklock House are featured on stationary sold in the College’s Office of Alumni Relations. “Autistic people have a great attention to detail – so much so that they get so caught up in the details that they miss the whole. You’ll see that detail in my writing and in my art – when I finally get past the details to finish the entire piece,” Noll laughs. Although she claims she doesn’t have any “savant” skills, which she defines as “being able to do something that you couldn’t do the day before,” one look at her sketches might make you doubt that. “I have fixed a grandfather clock, and I certainly couldn’t do that the day before, but my art is not a savant skill. I just have a natural sense of perspective.” Still, Noll had never taken a formal art lesson when she completed her first (perfectly lifelike) drawing at the age of 9. And, even though she didn’t try to draw again until she was 12, her next sketch landed her into her school’s honors art program. So, one has to wonder if she isn’t one of the 10 percent of autistic people who present savant skills. “I don’t want to be portrayed as having a token talent,” Noll says. “I am finally a whole person – not just the ‘weird smart kid,’ or the artist, or the writer, or the computer geek or the autistic. I want to be recognized for what I am: a dynamic, complete individual.” And you have to give her that. SPRIN G 2 0 0 7 |

17