Burning Ember Chapter 1

Burning Ember A Twilight Fan Fiction “She turns up the light anticipating night falling tenderly around her. She watches the dusk, but the words won't come. She carries the act so convincingly the fact is sometimes she believes it. She can be happy with the way things are; be happy with the things she's done.” – Vienna Teng -The Tower Chapter 1 The Moment I Said It Edward had always said that if he were gone I would eventually say ‘yes’ to Mike Newton, or someone like him, that it would be right for me to do so. I told him that I wouldn’t, that I never could be with anyone but him. That hadn’t stopped him from leaving me. I remembered when he’d said he was leaving, just a day after my eighteenth birthday. He had led me into the woods, told me he didn’t love me and left me there taking a part of me with him. I had been worse than a wreck for a long time, deluding myself into thinking I was hearing his voice in my head, always hoping, wishing he’d come back to me. He never did. I had learned to cope after a while, not quite healed, not quite living, but moving from day to day numbly trying to survive. A year went by and I still had not found anyone else worth saying yes to. Though I’m sure Mike, Eric, Tyler, and probably Jacob all had their hopes up because Edward was gone. I graduated from high school and left for college, far from home in rainy little Forks. Four years and one English degree later I came home and got a job teaching at the high school, still I had said yes to no one. I was still broken, still irrevocably in love with someone who did not love me. But Edward was right, he was always right. Eventually I did say yes and I knew that where ever he was, Edward would be seething with rage if he knew that it had been Jacob that I’d said yes to. My best friend the werewolf was now my husband the werewolf. I was still in love with Edward, I would always be in love with Edward, but in someway I loved Jacob too and this seemed to be enough for him. So I had given in and married him. He was fully aware of my inability to let go of the vampire who’d left me behind but he’d sworn to take what I could give him and be happy. For two years now Jacob had lived contentedly with his wife who he knew also loved another. I thought things were going well, that I was getting better at surviving, that life was somehow easier now with Jacob than it had been at first. But our fighting grew more and more frequent.

He had been frustrated last night, grumpy after working late in the mechanic shop, ‘Jake’s Place’, that he ran out of our garage. He was frustrated because not only had he worked late, but I had forgotten to make dinner again, I had brought my work home with me, again. He started searching noisily through the fridge for food and I had put my class’s essays aside and went to join him. We sat at the kitchen table, not talking. The only sounds were our forks scraping against our plates as we ate the leftover lasagna from last night. He sighed noisily. “What is it?” I asked, noticing the tense atmosphere in the room. “I wanted to talk to you.” “About what?” Normally I didn’t have to drag conversation out of Jake like this, especially when he was the one who wanted to talk. He hesitated for a moment before speaking. “I think its time we started trying for a baby.” I stared at him blankly. A baby? I had never thought about having a family, not with Jake, not even with Edward, that would have been impossible anyway. Not that I didn’t think Jake would have made a good father, it was just that I had never pictured myself as a mother. I had done most of the mothering when I lived with Renee, did I want to start that again with a new screaming bundle of joy? “So what do you think?” He was wary now. He had noticed my vacant expression. “Jake, I don’t want kids, I’m sorry, I thought you knew.” I hated to upset him but I just could not picture it. I couldn’t imagine myself pregnant or holding a blissful little baby in my arms. I tried but the images seemed wrong. He had been mad. He yelled. I yelled back, like always. We both had a tendency to let our tempers get the better of us. He had been furious when I put an end to the discussion saying that Edward would have known, he wouldn’t have had to ask. Jake had stormed off, back out to the shop. I went to bed early, fuming as I went. Thoughts of Edward had been fresh in my mind and my fuming soon turned to longing and then to grief. I cried over him for the first time since, well just after my honeymoon.

I sighed as I pulled into the driveway after work remembering last night’s battle. I wondered if Jake would still be mad.

“God-damn-it Bella!” Jacob exploded, slamming his newspaper down on the table. I looked up, startled, from the stove where I was making dinner. I had been humming aimlessly to myself, without realizing it was Edward’s lullaby that I hummed. “What?” I kept my tone even, he was obviously still angry about last night. “I can’t take this anymore!” He yelled.

I flinched back from him. He was really angry, like shaking with fury, involuntary transformation angry. “Is this about last night? I told you I was sorry.” My tone was remorseful, he hated when I brought Edward into the argument. “No!” He exclaimed, and then he reconsidered this. “It’s last night, but it’s also the past two years of our marriage!” I stared at him, bewildered. I thought we were doing okay, I thought I was doing better then before. But I could feel the pain that the hole in my chest caused resurfacing. “Every time we fight you use your relationship with Edward,” —He sneered the name— “to win!” “Jake,” I pleaded. His anger usually made me just as angry, today it made me sad. “I’ve tried and tried to make you love me more than that stupid bloodsucker but you just can’t let go! I just can’t win!” “That’s not fair,” My voice was barely a whisper. I could feel my tears about to betray me. “You knew, you knew that I still love him, you said it didn’t matter, you said you loved me anyway.” Jacob held his head in his hands. He wouldn’t look at me. “I can’t do this anymore.” His voice was calmer now, but the undercurrent of anger still raged. “What are you saying?” My voice was trembling. I clutched the kitchen counter for support, afraid to hear what I was sure I already knew. “I think we could both use some space, and some time.” He still wouldn’t look at me so he didn’t see the way my face fell. The old wound in my chest tore open. “You’re leaving me too?” I could barely say the words out loud as the reality of his words dug their claws into me. Silence. I took a deep, shaky breath, unsure if my voice would be even enough to say what I needed to. “You always thought badly of Edward for leaving me, for breaking me the way he did. You said you were better than him because you’d never leave me, I guess you’re no better after all.” I walked stiffly from the room. Jacob did not follow. I went to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed without turning the lights on. I felt abandoned, lost. My life had completely fallen apart once seven years ago and now the life I had managed to reconstruct for myself was crumbling too. Was I not allowed any measure of happiness? Was fate determined to destroy me any way it could? Sure the near death experiences had stopped once Edward had taken himself out of the picture, and I’d stopped being so reckless, but the emotional pain it had caused was enough to destroy me. And now the only other man I had ever loved was leaving me too. Numbly I decided what I needed to do. I got up off the bed and dug my old duffle bag out of the closet. Turning to the dresser I stuffed handfuls of random clothes into it and headed to the bathroom to gather some toiletries. Then I headed for the door.

Jacob hadn’t moved from the kitchen table, but he glanced up as I past him. “Where are you going?” “I’m going to go stay with Charlie for a while.” He made no move to stop me. “Do you want to talk about this?” “There’s nothing I want to say to you Jacob.” Keys in hand I opened to door. “I’ll call in a few days.” I climbed into the old beater that Jacob had rebuilt for me when I had come home from college to discover my truck had died, and headed out into the night. Driving down the familiar highway towards town, my head swam uncomfortably. I didn’t notice the streak of unnatural white in the forest that followed my car. I pulled up to the curb in front of Charlie’s old, familiar house and cut the engine. The living room and kitchen lights were on so I knew he hadn’t gone to bed early. I easily fished out the key from under the eave and unlocked the door. I could hear that the TV was on in the other room, it sounded like there was a game on. “Dad?” I called stepping into the entrance way and flicking on the light. “Bells is that you?” He called back, I heard him pulling himself off the couch. “Yes it’s me.” I shrugged out of my coat and headed towards the living room. Charlie was standing in the door way. He hadn’t changed much since I’d been to and from college, but the grey was starting to touch the hair at his temples and just a bit more of his forehead was showing. “How come you’re here so late, shouldn’t you be at home taking care of your husband?” His voice was both curious and teasing. But his words broke through my carefully erected barrier and the tears started to rush down my cheeks. I started sobbing violently. Looks of shock and panic crossed Charlie’s face and he rushed over and awkwardly wrapped his arms around me. I continued to sob into his chest, my tears soaked his shirt. “What is it Bells? What happened?” “Its… Its…” I stuttered trying to explain, but I couldn’t get the words out past the sobbing. Charlie led me to the couch and sat me down, his arms still around me. For the first time since I was a small child he held me and awkwardly tried to comfort me until my tears ran dry and the sobs stopped shaking my body. “Jacob’s going to leave me.” I whispered when I finally found my voice back. “We got in a big fight last night and today he said he needed space, that he couldn’t do this anymore.” I pulled away from him slightly and looked up at his face, it was marked with concern. “Dad what am I going to do? I don’t know if I could take him leaving.” I knew Charlie would understand what I meant; he had had to live with me through the months after Edward left. He knew I meant that I didn’t think I would survive it this time. “He might not leave you Bells.” Charlie said, trying to be comforting. “You didn’t hear him; I know he’s going to.” He didn’t argue with me, probably not wanting to make me cry again.

“You know you can stay here as long as you want. No matter where you are, you always have a home here. And I miss you when you aren’t around.” It was the most sentimental thing he’d ever said to me, even on my wedding day. “Thanks Dad.” “I like Jake a lot, but I won’t hesitate to break his jaw if he hurts you.” This made me laugh a little, knowing how hard it is to break a werewolf’s bones. “Thanks again, Dad, a threat like that means a lot coming from the chief of police.” He chuckled along with me. “I’m going to try and get some sleep.” “Okay Bells. Are you sure you’re alright?” “No, I’m not alright, but I think I will be.” Charlie went back to the baseball game and I wandered through the never-changing house, up the stairs to my familiar room. I stood in the doorway overwhelmed by the memories that came flooding back to me. All the nights Edward had held me and sung me to sleep in his cold arms, when Jacob had told me he had become a werewolf and more recently when he had snuck in to propose to me. I tossed my bag on the floor and trudged slowly towards my bed. Out of nowhere there was a loud, eerie creak. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked around cautiously then noticed it was just a loose floorboard. I gave a nervous laugh as I stepped down on it once more. It gave another loud creak and the entire board shifted slightly. That’s weird; I don’t remember a loose board here before. I thought to myself. I knelt down next to the bed and wrenched the board loose from the floor. I stared, shocked, at what I saw there. Hidden underneath my floorboards were all the things that had gone missing when Edward had left seven years ago. The envelope of pictures I had taken of him, the plane tickets to Jacksonville that Esme had given me, and the small silver CD case of piano music Edward had made for me. Had it been here the entire time? I pulled everything out of their hiding place and flipped quickly through the pictures, pausing to stare at Edward’s perfect face. Pain and longing ripped through me. Tearing my eyes away from the photo I gathered everything up and went to sit by my ancient CD player. I opened the case to get the disk so I could hear the music I had longed to hear for so long and a small folded piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Nervously I picked it up and unfolded it. I let out a shocked gasp. The page was filled with Edward’s elegant script. My dearest one, There are so many things I wish I could tell you, things I wish I would have told you. But the damage is done and the pain I have caused you is unforgivable. I would not be surprised if you loathed my very existence, I would deserve that, I certainly do not deserve your love. No matter how I much I want it, I don’t deserve it, not after seven years of insurmountable pain.

I wish I could make you believe that I love you; even after all I put you through. I would say it a thousand times and more if that would make you believe me. I need you to understand that what I said back then was a lie. If you take anything from this letter let it be that I did love you then, just as I love you still, and it nearly killed me to leave you. I know you love Jacob Black, but you know how selfish I am when it comes to you. I am selfish enough to ask for your forgiveness, for your love and I will be here waiting for the time that you can forgive me. All you have to do is call my name and I will be there. I love you for all eternity. Edward. I drank the words eagerly until my tears made it impossible to read them. I got up from the bed in a rush, seven year old photos scattering across the floor. I raced out of my room and nearly flew down the stairs. “Bella? I thought you were going to bed.” Charlie called from the living room. “I was; I just forgot something in my car. I’ll be right back.” I flung the front door open and ran out into the night. I didn’t stop running until I had reached the part of the back yard that touched the edge of the forest. There I stopped. I couldn’t go into the woods, not alone, not at night. There were too many painful memories there. I paused for a long moment, peering into the darkness of the trees. Then I drew in a shaky breath, and closed my eyes. “Edward?” I couldn’t make my voice louder than a whisper. I waited, but nothing happened. I opened my eyes, nothing had changed. “Edward!” I called, louder this time. I held my breath; the seconds seemed like an eternity. And then, without a sound, Edward stepped out of the trees looking more god-like then I could have remembered. Without thinking I rushed towards him and threw myself at him. He gathered me into his arms lifting me off the ground and cradling me against his chest. I locked my arms around his neck like I would never let go. After another eternity he set me back on the ground and our fervent hold on each other turned into a more conventional embrace. Soon I realized that I was freezing. I had forgotten my jacket inside and holding a vampire probably wasn’t helping the temperature situation any. Edward, of course, had already noticed. “You’re freezing, you should go back inside.” His voice sounded like melting honey. “No,” I protested, “I’m not going anywhere without you.” He chuckled mildly. “Have no fear my Bella. Do you think I would disappear after just getting you back?” “I don’t know, but I know that I don’t want you to go.” “Hurry inside; I’ll be in your room waiting when you get there.” He pressed his cold lips to my cheek and then slipped back into the darkness.

My breath caught in my throat. Had that really just happened? The realization that Edward, my Edward, had come back to me began to sink in. Euphoric, I spun on my heel and raced back to the house. I called a quick good night to Charlie as I ran through the house, taking the stairs two at a time. I was flushed and breathless when I reached my room. And there he was, standing by the window waiting. His lips moved into my favourite crooked smile as he took in my thrilled expression. “You’re really here.” I breathed. He nodded, his expression turned remorseful. He took a measured step towards me. “I am so very sorry, Bella, I am such a fool for leaving you. I should have known that your pain would be as great as my own. Can you…” He didn’t get the chance to finish his question because in that instant I had kicked the door shut, flipped off the light and rushed hastily across the room. Throwing my arms around his neck I kissed him with an ardent passion, passion that seemed to seep in excess out of every pore. I had been waiting for seven years to kiss him again, to hold him, to see his face. The connection was instant and electric and he was kissing me back, possibly with more passion than he’d ever kissed me before. My lips parted slightly under his and I inhaled the sweet scent of his cool breath. His arms encircled my waist and his hands explored my back. This was the point when I acutely remembered him pulling away from me every other time we’d kissed, but this time he didn’t. My heart was pounding thunderously in my chest, my breath coming in rapid gasps, but he never loosened his hold. My fingers tangled in his wild bronze hair, locking his face to mine. Our lips continued to move in perfect synchronization. “Mmm” he murmured into my lips. He pulled his face away from mine and gazed into my eyes. I held his gaze. His golden eyes smouldered. He slowly ran one hand through my hair, keeping the other firmly around my waist. His long pale fingers traced along my jaw line and lightly caressed my lips. I felt a thrill go through me at his touch. “You haven’t changed.” He whispered. “You still smell so unbelievably good.” “You haven’t changed either, but you never do, do you?” “No I guess you’re right about that. But there is something different about you; I just can’t put my finger on it.” “I got older.” I said, and pouted slightly, remembering how age used to be a touchy subject for us. He smirked “Yes I guess you did.” “I’m twenty-five you know.” “No you’re not, you little liar, you’re birthday isn’t until tomorrow.” My eyes widened in surprise. “You remembered that?” “Of course I remember when your birthday is, silly, how could I possibly forget something like that?” “Well I don’t know. You were gone for so long. For all I knew you had forgotten me completely!” He pulled away, immense pain crossing his face. I immediately regretted the words.

“I came back you know,” He began softly, “to check on you. It was your birthday, a year after I left, but you weren’t here. You had gone away to college and so I assumed my plan had worked, that you had moved on with your life. I had no idea how much pain you were in. I left again, after not finding you here, but every year on your birthday I came back hoping that I might get to see you just once and if I found you happy I would leave knowing I had done the right thing. But for four years you weren’t here when I came. But that fifth year…” He trailed off. My face fell and I was filled with regret. I knew what he would have found if he had come on my birthday the year after I finished college. He would have found me marrying another man. “I tried to stay away after that, but I couldn’t. It was like a magnet pulling me towards Forks, towards you.” He continued, his voice was heavy with the sadness of the memory. “I hung around in the shadows, watching you work, or visiting your father. I never went to your house, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing you there with him. I knew that this was how it should be; you should be happily married to a normal human man, living a normal life. I think the problem was that you weren’t. I could tell from your expressions that you weren’t happy, and when I began to watch carefully I learned that Jacob was not normal, or human. “I should have known you’d fall for the next monster you’d come across. But I was surprised all the same to learn that your husband was running around every other night as a wolf, with his wolf pack. I remembered back when we’d first come to Forks, the wolves we’d run into then, knowing how dangerous these creatures actually were. I stuck a little closer, once close enough that I could hear your sleep talking. I was so thrilled when you said my name. Jacob heard you too. He took off for a late night run in the woods. He was so preoccupied that he didn’t notice me following him, unusual for a creature with such a sensitive sense of smell. “I got a good look into his mind that night. He is so in love with you and the thought of me makes him enraged. He hates that you were still in love with me, hates that he didn’t imprint on you. I acquired a good understanding of what happens when werewolves imprint, and I knew then that if you could forgive me that I still had a chance. That pleased me more than it should have. I knew I shouldn’t be meddling. You started fighting more than you used to, and my name came up more and more often. That’s when I came here and left you that letter. I purposely made the floorboard loose so you were sure to find it if you needed to. I knew that when things got too rough you’d return here. And here we are.” He finished with a sigh. I couldn’t say anything for a long moment. I tried to process everything he had said. He had been here, for two years without me even knowing. He had been here, and he still loved me. “I know that it’s a poor excuse, but I left because I loved you and wanted to protect you. It was the hugest mistake of a lifetime. Can you ever forgive me?” I took a step towards him, but didn’t touch him. “I just have one question.” I whispered. “Ask me anything.”

“If you came back two years ago, on my wedding day, why didn’t you stop me? We could have been together all this time.” “Don’t you see? I thought you had moved on. I thought that you didn’t love me anymore. I thought you were happy, I wanted you to be happy and if you were happy with out me, then I wasn’t going to stand in the way. All I have every wanted was for you to be happy. I didn’t realize it until it was too late that you weren’t.” I reached for his hand a pulled him over to the bed. I sat on the edge and he sat next to me. “I’ll forgive you for not stopping me from marrying him, if you promise never to leave me again.” “I swear that I will be here for as long as you want me. I will not leave unless you send me away.” “You’re talking about forever. I will always want you.” “Forever would not be enough to make up for the damage I have caused.” “You can start now, you know, making up for leaving.” “Oh? And how would you like me to do that?” His face was serious but his tone was teasing. “Would you sing me to sleep like you used to?” He scooped me up into his arms and then tucked me under the covers, stretching out beside me with his arms around me. He began humming my lullaby quietly in my ear. I rolled on to my other side so that I was facing him. His expression was peaceful. He pulled me closer so that I was cuddled against his chest. “I love you.” I whispered and drifted to sleep in his cool embrace.