Bringing Up Children - Discipline

D i s ci p l i n e hildren want and need boundaries for them to feel safe in so that they can grow up to bear fruit. Discipline is the act of pruning the vine (your child) so that he/she can grow in the direction of the structure you have laid down as boundaries and rules. Why Discipline? It is part of human nature to test and try all boundaries and the child is no different, therefore we must help our children to walk the straight and narrow path so that they could follow Elohim’s rules and direction instead of fleshly If you neglect to form this desires and instinct. foundation of obedience in your child and to get used Discipline according to Webster Dictionary: to boundaries or rules, you will raise up a person with 1. Education; instruction; cultivation and improvement, no understanding and comprehending instruction in arts, sciences, correct sentiments, respect for YHVH’s Torah. morals and manners, and due subordination to authority. 2. Instruction and government, comprehending the communication of knowledge and the regulation of practice; as military discipline, which includes instruction in manual exercise, evolutions and subordination. 3. Rule of government; method of regulating principles and practice; as the discipline prescribed for the church. 4. Subjection to laws, rules, order, precepts or regulations; as, the troops are under excellent discipline; the passions should be kept under strict discipline. 5. Correction; chastisement; punishment intended to correct crimes or errors; as the discipline of the strap.

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6. In ecclesiastical affairs, the execution of the laws by which the church is governed, and infliction of the penalties enjoined against offenders, who profess the religion of Jesus Christ. 7. To instruct or educate; to inform the mind; to prepare by instructing in correct principles and habits; as, to discipline youth for a profession, or for future usefulness. 8. To correct; to chastise; to punish. 9. To advance and prepare by instruction. The brain works in such a way that it forms K-Lines or “paths of habit” to help you to function spontaneously. If you do something more than three times, you will form a habit, but to break a habit takes more than 21 times of consistent alternative action. Discipline is the act of “breaking the bad habits” which is engraved in the brain and the only way to break a habit is to add pain to that action you do not want. Adding “pain”, or “something uncomfortable” to a habit will help the child to connect “pain” to something that is “wrong”, and they learn the Scriptural truth that if you sin, there will be consequences. Our heavenly Father works with us in this way and we should work the same way with our children – BECAUSE IT WORKS! so that he/she would not want to do it again:

Discipline should be the last option and there is a reason why children do things wrong on a continual basis. First of all, children are born into this world with a sinful nature. By default they do things that is according to the flesh and not according to the spirit. It is our duties as parents to introduce YHVH and His Word to our children so that their spiritual side can grow.

Sin means to miss the mark. The mark is to love Elohim with all we are and have and to love others as our selves. Children are born with a dependency on parents and everything evolves around that child’s needs and this is the definition of total selfishness. A Baby is the most selfish being because of their dependency on others and as he/she grows up and mature, they get less dependent on others and thus less selfish. Selfishness is the opposite of love and you must teach your child to love others so that their selfishness will become smaller and love for others will become bigger in their life.

Because the Word says so and YHVH wants us to teach our children His Ways and a part of that teaching is discipline. ! $

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If you love your child, you will direct him from an early age so that he can learn what is right and what is wrong and that there is consequences for sin. They will also learn that not to obey is sin and not to obey YHVH have serious consequences. The easiest way to learn is to connect something bad with that which is wrong.

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n this way the child will make a connection to the “bad experience” and unpleasant feeling when he/she thinks to do the bad thing again. That is why YHVH allows bad things to happen to us when we are disobedient so that we would find our way back to Him where no pain and suffering is. There is nothing wrong with a good hiding if it is done in the proper way. (

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" Our Father disciplines us as His children. He prunes us to shape us in what He wants us to become. In the same way you should prune your child so that he/she can become a obedient child that will one day follow YHVH understanding His Ways. This is YHVH’s wisdom and He prescribed to us in His Word that this is the way tit should be done, so do not take away from His Word disregarding His wisdom by not applying it in your family. It is not you that will suffer by not applying it but your child!

Bend the tree while it is still young. A child is as a vine and needs a structure to grow up against. This structure is made up out of rules and instructions, and without a structure, the vine cannot grow and bear fruit. If you neglect discipline and raise your child without rules, their lives will be empty, destructive and with no fruit. Part of the process of preparing the vine to bear fruit, is to prune the vine where there are dead branches so that it may grow to it’s full potential. .

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This verse compliment the picture if the child being the vine and that it needs to be pruned. We also see that there is a time window of six years mentioned wherein the child can be pruned so that it will maximize growth and fruit baring. This shows us that the child is vulnerable within the first six years and needs to be treated with great care and pruned so that he/she can bear fruit when they are older. You only have this time window of six years to get it right, if you mess up, you will bear the pain of raising a rebellious lost child that will only cause you pain. &

Can there be discipline without rules or instruction? NO! It is not right to be disciplined for things you do not know of. It is unfair and not right for you as parent to discipline your child without instructing him/her first, setting up the boundaries and foundation for his/her life. Within the family unit, BOTH parents must AGREE on the rules and be consistent in teaching their children these boundaries regarding every aspect of their life. You need boundaries for: • •

Faith – To respect and honor YHVH, to pray, to listen when you talk about YHVH and His Word. Teach them to respect their parents and older people. Eating - what to eat, when to eat, where to eat and how to eat.

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Sleeping – Routine is important, when to go to bed, where to sleep (own room, not in parents bed – not good for the marriage), not with Television in room on, night light on (maybe) Bathing – Routine is important – we like to build good habits, when to bath/shower, how much shampoo to use, how long to bath (saving water), more than one child – who should bath when. Communication – This is the most important area. When to talk, to wait until someone is finished, how to answer, be polite, say please and thank you, not to shout, not to answer with an attitude, show respect when talking to elders and parents. Do not override someone when they are busy talking. Do not say things that will hurt someone’s feelings. Friends – Whit who can he/she play, with what to play, how to interact with friends, not to team up if there is more than one friend, SHARING toys, sharing sweets, food est. Be nice to everybody. Do not gossip telling stories about your friends. Where to play with friends. With which toys may his/her friends play with. Watching a movie with friends, when? Visiting other people – Going to other people’s houses – What to touch and what not to touch, how to behave, not to scream and shout. Where to play. With what to play. Pointing out dangerous things that is not child safe and telling your child not to go there or play with. Not to play with pets unless you are told it is safe. School – To obey teachers, to do homework, to listen, to be quiet in class not disrupting others, to behave at school, to talk nicely and be polite to teachers.

You and your wife can draw up a table to discuss and outline the rules so that both of you are on the same page. To discipline a child is to teach them not to sin because sin is the opposite of obedience, and since you have laid down clear rules now and are in unity about it, you can teach them that they will sin if they do not obey these rules and we as believers in Y’shua do not want to sin. That is why they have to listen to you.

Let your yes be yes and your no be no. )

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You will confuse any child if you say this today and something else tomorrow. Think for yourself, if you have moving targets. Will you become a great archer? You need to put the same target in front of yourself and use the same bow and arrows to become the best archer. In the same way your child needs consistent goals and consistent discipline to help him/her to reach it. Children learning to obey their parents are like little archers learning to shoot. What is interesting is; the Hebrew word for sin (chatah), also means to miss the mark or target. And the word for Instruction (torah) means, “to learn how to shoot”. Therefore, your instructions to your child are there to help him/her to shoot and hit the bull’s eye every time. Your instructions (torah) must be consistent to define the target so that he/she will not miss it (chatah), and sin. Define your instructions in your house very clearly as mentioned earlier in this study so that you will be fair when you prune away unwanted actions that miss the mark you set. It does not help to warn the child every time without any real immediate consequences because the child will see that you only threaten and you do not act like a growling dog without teeth. This causes distrust between your child and you set and example of only saying things without any action. You need to follow though on your promises and if to earn your trust and if you have promised a hiding for misbehavior, give it.

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f you are angry, wait until you are calm down before you administer any discipline, but do not procrastinate, do not bargain, if you do, your child will think that rules should not be taken seriously and can change. This is confirmed in Ecc 8:11. ,

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When the situation is there, deal with it immediately and explain what the child has done wrong and what your rules are and why you need to discipline him/her.

A very difficult issue to resolve but it is possible. Because of different upbringing of the man and the wife, they will have different opinions on how to discipline their children and can be a cause of conflict in the home. If you disagree, you will end up fighting in stead of enforcing your rules in your house and the child will be confused. You and your wife must decide what the rules or instructions are going to be and when to give warnings, when to give a hiding and what type of discipline for what type of behavior. Men, please agree with your wives and wives please agree with your husband because the success of your children’s upbringing is dependant on your effective and consistent discipline. 4

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Why Agreeing? If you disagree and argue in front of the child each time the other parent wants to, or have disciplined the child, you might as well throw in the towel and not discipline at all.

The word ‘agreed’ means to start at the same point. Two people cannot walk together unless they start at the same point. You and your wife must have the same starting point, the same opinion and basis when it comes to discipline, rules and standards in your house regarding your children. When the child oversteps one of these boundaries, the husband or wife must act immediately and apply the appropriate discipline they have agreed on, without the other parent interfering in a negative way, coming up for the child. It is also important not to have different standards in disciplining their children because the child will see the one parent as good and the other as a monster. Even if that parent is wrong in his/her actions, it should be sorted out afterwards in private and not in front of the child. This will confuse the child and seek the favor of the “weaker” parent to play the one off against the other and turn the disciplinary action into confrontation between the parents. Children are more intelligent as you may think and can be master manipulators. Parents should be in unity when they instruct and discipline their children and must have one set of rules and a consistent way of dealing with issues of their children. This will teach the children to structure their lives in the same way; learning the importance of unity and guidelines that are valuable for peace in the home.

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1. The gift of Pain - To give a proper hiding (Verbal & Attitude sins) All of you know this way to discipline because most of us were disciplined in this way when we were children. We were disciplined with a rod, a slipper, a wooden spoon or some sort of leather strap with a funny name.

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Imagine your life without pain, you might think it would be wonderful and a blessing. But is it? Modern day leprosy is known to take away your ability to feel pain, and this results in injuries without the person knowing it. You may twitch your ankle or burn yourself very badly, and without noticing it immediately, you can end up with a very serious injury. Looking at pain from this angle, we see that it is actually a gift that helps us not to destroy ourselves and to protect us form loosing our physical abilities or our life. With children it is the same; you have to apply wisdom and pain to the problem to help your child not to destroy themselves in the process growing up. I believe that this way of disciplining is the most effective way because it is quick and effective. This form of discipline is prescribed in the Word; “…..spare not the rod”. If you give your child a hiding, never use your hand, because your hands are there to support, nourish and love your child with. Use an object that will also be a reminder for them not to sin. You can give hidings especially for attitude problems, back chatting, disrespect, destructive attitudes and actions and deliberate disobedience of instructions also known as rebellion. The word is very clear about rebellion and it is the sin of witchcraft. If you want your child to be a Satanist one day, allow rebellion in your house. 2. Isolation - Send the child to his/her room. (Physical interaction sins) This can be an effective way if you do it right; never send your child to his/her room without and good explanation or when the child is too small to understand. This type of discipline is effective at times when is your child is crying for no reason or disrupting your conversation when you have people over, misbehaving to get a reaction or attention from you in annoying way. They can also be sent to their room if they cannot play in peace with their brother/sister or friends. The idea is to remove the child from the situation that lead to that sin. It is not good to send the child to the room if he/she back chatted you because the sin is connected to an attitude problem and not physical interaction. The reason you take the child away from your environment is to show him/her that his actions are inappropriate and disturbing to you and the people and he/she must learn to behave in public where other are. To send a small child to his/her room telling them to think on what they have done wrong when they were being naughty, may not be very effective in general because the children do not think the way we do, and will react better to a hiding, and then send to their room. Always tell them what they did wrong, do not ask them why they do wrong. They do not know uncle Paul’s letter of Romans to give you the explanation why. 3. Loss- To take away something they love when they do something wrong. (Physical interaction sin) This only works when your child is much older and can understand why you take this thing away and for how long. To take away a toy from a two year old will not be effective at all because the child have no real concept of a time period or would most probably not understand why you did it. They will think you are mean and will copy you next time and do it with one of their friends Older children react better to this form of punishment, because they tend to be more connected to personal belongings and this will give you an opportunity for leverage. It works very well on older children from the age of 6 up. Taking away privileges, like games, mobile phones and toys, are very effective when they are disobedient to bring them back in line. You can even give them chores to do like mowing the lawn and washing dishes to reprimand them.

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4. Loss of Freedom - To ground the child. This method of discipline is only effective for children over the age of twelve. Before this age they have not really start to form a bonds with other children on a intimate friendship level. From the age of 12 they live for their friends and in most cases, the things they do wrong are friend-related and that is when you want to isolate them from the root cause. They tend to learn all their friend’s bad habits and try them out at home. They also discuss different ways among each other on how to beat the ‘system’ and can get very creative in outsmarting you. The reason they challenge your rules and authority is because they are undergoing physical change and they think that they are grown-up. It makes them aware of becoming young adults and they wanted to change the rules to suit them. At this age you get kids who rebel but if you have laid the foundation at a young age, the pain will be less. Remember that the way you allow your 3 – 5 year old to behave is what you will relive when they are between 12 – 18, only with much more serious consequences (pregnancies, drugs, booze, reckless lifestyle).

Before you even think of disciplining your child, you and your wife or husband should have the house rules defined and agreed on. You must decide when only to only talk and when to act and physically discipline the child and which discipline for what kind of sin. As a guideline, the child should not be disciplined for making mistakes like accidentally breaking something. If you discipline your child for these kinds of mistakes, you will take away their freedom to make decisions and they will be too scared to do anything and will become passive. The only thing to really must act upon is when the child is disrespectful and has attitude problems. YHVH does not like rebellious people and we should not allow our children to be rebellious or dishonor elder people, by pruning them every time they overstep the line of respect.

! The child always needs to feel loved, even after discipline. After the child is disciplined, you must always go to him/her, brush the tears away and tell him/her how much you love them. You should never say that you are sorry for disciplining them and they must learn to say sorry for their disobedience. A kind word and reconfirmation of your love and an explanation of what they did wrong and what they were supposed to do is the right way to close off the issue. This will close the book on that particular situation, leaving no emotional scars.

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No Discipline at all A common phenomenon in our society today is a thing called “obedient parents”. The pain to discipline the child is greater than the irritation caused by the misbehaving child and this leads to parents allowing the child the freedom to misbehave. In most cases the parents give the child what he/she wants just to keep quiet, and the child learns to get his/her way by screaming or by throwing a tantrum. Trained parents will easily be manipulated and the child will get his/her way throughout their whole child upbringing phase. When you have more that two children you are outnumbered and will loose the battle very early on. Parents should not feel sorry for their children and then not disciplining them and people who feel this way are normally abused as children. Do not fix the mistake with a mistake. Learn how to do it the correct Scriptural way and do it for the benefit and salvation of your child.

Grace: Grace will corrupt your child if it is offered out of balance. True grace can only be allowed when there is repentance and humility in the child’s life. Grace is a gift that is given as a reward for repentance.

Violent words What is the perception created in your child’s mind when you use angry words full of violent jesters? People say things like “….I will break your neck”, or “I will rip your tongue out”. The best is not to say things you will never do because then you are lying and teaching your child to lie as well. If you do this, your child will not take you seriously.

Aggression & Frustration In the event of a disobedient child, there will be frustration from the parent’s side. If you are not consequent in your discipline, it will lead up to more frustration and you will come down on your child with all the previous scenarios’ aggression and frustration combined which will result in a very serious lighting bolt. An outburst of anger does not communicate the right picture of a loving and caring parent, but rather of hate and anger. The key here is to be consequent, to minimize bad behavior and to keep the emotion allocated only to that specific event. An anger outburst is a result of bad discipline management.

Physical and Verbal abuse Any form of physical discipline that is done in the wrong way, is abuse. If the child does not experience discipline as an act of correction, he/she will see it as abuse based upon hate and can damage the relationship between the child and the parent. The most important part of discipline is communication and love. Remember, it is not you who decide if it is abuse or not, it is the child who will perceive your disciplinary actions as correction or abuse. Look at your child’s reaction after discipline and if it leads to damage to your relationship, change your tactics, but do not stop to discipline the child.

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There are effective ways to minimize discipline and will help you to build a good relationship with your child. Attention and training: But what do I do with a young child in the first time window between 0 and 6 years regarding the selfish (fleshly) nature? Children want their needs met and want all the attention you can give them. So, in the beginning; provide in all your child’s needs AND give the child the proper ATTENTION he/she needs. Children that do not get attention are the naughty children because it is better to have negative attention than no attention. Parents who do not spend time with their children are indirectly training them up to be naughty and attention seeking.

If you have a child that is in this first time frame, how can you minimize discipline? Your purpose should not be to avoid discipline but to train your child so that he/she does not need discipline. By giving the right attention and be in touch with their needs, they will not do things to get you attention (even in a negative way). If you give the proper attention to your child, you will have the opportunity to teach them and remind them on your Boundaries you have set so that they can do conform to them out of habit. Once you have established a good habit, you can tackle the next area training them in the next good habit. Before you know it you will have a child that is disciplined and who does not need negative attention to stay in line all the time. So, if you don’t like disciplining your child, start giving him the right attention and TRAIN them in the “Good Habits” that you and your partner have decided on. Be consistent and consequent and you will have good results. There will be occasions where you will have to respond to misbehavior and you should take action to stay on top of your child’s training. Motivation: Another technique to use to minimize discipline is to tell your child what you want him/her to be, motivating your child in a positive way so that he/she will start to act in that way. This works better with children older than 2 and it is encouraged to inspire your child, re-enforcing the boundaries and qualities you want to see in them in a positive way. For example; when you want your child to believe that he is a good boy, tell him constantly, praising good behavior. When he is bad, you should not tell him that he is still good because you will confuse Him. Tell him that what he has done is bad and that that behavior does not match his character and he should stop that. Children have a lot of faith and if tell them they are good, they will start to act that way. Example, example, example: This si the most important thing to remember while training your child, you must set the right example that is in line with your values and rules. For example, if you do not want your child to insult others then you must not insult otters in front of him. If you do not want your child to swear, do not swear in front of him. Monkey see, monkey do. They will copy you and their older brothers and sisters, which makes the training of your older children more important because the younger ones will copy and follow their example. I cannot stress this more that you have to live what you believe and what you want your children to believe and do.

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You cannot take away and not put anything back. The thing to remember is to put more back in relation to what you take out. The ratio between love and discipline should be at least 2:1. You cannot discipline a child without explaining what he/she did wrong and why you need to discipline him/her. To just send him off to his room or give him a hiding without any wisdom with it, will not be discipline but abuse because the child might think that you only hit or send him to his room is because you do not like him or because you are a bad person. Any relationship is build upon positive communication and interaction, and the best way to cure is to prevent. Spend enough quality time with your child, be sensitive to his/her needs and teach them what they need to know regarding their responsibilities in your home. Enjoy your child and show him/her that they are welcome in your family, are appreciated, wanted and loved. Teach them the ways of YHVH and this will sow seeds in their hearts that will bear fruit when they are older. These are but a few guidelines on how to discipline your child and you must always remember that naughty children have formed bad habits and a bad habit forms after three times, and can be broken only after twenty times. It is very critical that you act immediately when you see a new thing popping up and sort it out before it can form a bad habit which can cost you your relationship with your child in the end. The key in breaking habits is to stop the thought pattern in the mind that connects the deed to something that is pleasant. You need to reconnect that thought or deed to something unpleasant. This is why you discipline your child and it should always be kept in mind.

Disciplined children are happy children.

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