Banking Interest

Pilot By Garbage Day

ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. BANK - MORNING Phil Oswald, a bank teller aged 25, is sitting behind the counter addressing an elderly man. ELDERLY MAN Yeah, so, I came in here, the bank, to fix a account. I made a mistake with the account and the account needs to be fixed. And, yeah, well, I need this fixed because the account ... I didn’t transfer the money propertly. I’m here to fix that and PHIL (cutting off the elderly man) Sir, what exactly is the problem? ELDERLY MAN I told you the problem. I made a mistake on the transfer. On the account. I made a mistake. PHIL What was the mistake? ELDERLY MAN On the account. PHIL Sir, could you please tell me the exact problem? I can’t assist you unless I know all the details. ELDERLY MAN Well, yeah, I have three Nephews and one niece. The Nephew’s birthday is next week. One of my Nephews’. He is turning 16 and I put money in his account, but I didn’t put money in his account. PHIL Did you put it in your account by

accident?

2.

ELDERLY MAN No. No it wasn’t my transfer. I put it in the wrong account. I meant to put it in my nephew’s account, but I put it in my nephew’s account. My niece’s account. PHIL What’s your nephew’s name? ELDERLY MAN I have three nephews: Brian, Tom, and Alex. My niece’s name is Sharron. PHIL Whose account did you mean to put money into? ELDERLY MAN My nephews, but I put it in my niece’s. PHIL You have three nephews. ELDERLY MAN I know I have three nephews. I’m the one who told you that. I don’t need you to repeat to me what Ive repeated to you. I need you to transfer the account from Brian to Sharron. Sharron to Brian. PHIL Okay, sir. One moment, please. A 27-year-old man (Garbage Day) cuts through the line and gets in front of the elderly man. ELDERLY MAN Excuse me! I was in line here! You can’t cut the line I was in here first with! GARBAGE DAY I’m sorry. It was an accident. (To

Phil) Phil, you ready? ELDERLY MAN He’s in the middle of fixing my nephew’s account.

3.

PHIL Yes, I’m very busy, Garbage Day. ELDERLY MAN Garbage Day? Garbage man is more like it! The people in the line up start to complain about Garbage Day’s presence. GARBAGE DAY Okay, listen, People! This is a matter of life and death. You people are already waiting in line anyway. Nothing’s changed. ELDERLY MAN I wasn’t in the line anymore. I had finished in the line and I wasn’t in GARBAGE DAY The less you talk the quicker I can leave. PHIL What the hell are you doing here, Garbage? GARBAGE DAY My car’s broken, remember? You said you’d give me a lift. PHIL What? No I didn’t. GARBAGE DAY I left you a message yesterday explaining this. PHIL (annoyed sigh) Just because you left me a message doesn’t mean I listened to it. And

just because I listened to the message, doesn’t mean I agreed to it. I’m at work. I can’t drive you to work. I know you didn’t pay attention in physics, but even you know that one person cannot occupy two places at the same time.

4.

GARBAGE DAY Obviously, you have never seen Watchmen. PHIL Look, I’ll give you change for the bus. GARBAGE DAY Can you at least pick me up after work? PHIL I’ve got things to do. GARBAGE DAY What things? ELDERLY MAN It’s been over a minute! GARBAGE DAY Your mom’s been over a minute! ELDERLY MAN I can’t imagine what you are - what is meant by that. GARBAGE DAY It means another God damn minute! (to Phil) What things do you have to do? PHIL I have to pick up my sister, bring her to my mom’s house, pick up my girlfriend, bring her to my house, etcetera. GARBAGE DAY Your sister? I thought she was in

the hippy hospital. PHIL (annoyed) She’s getting out today I told you. GARBAGE DAY I see. So Carmen’s your official girlfriend now?

5.

Cynthia.

PHIL

GARBAGE DAY When do I get to meet her? PHIL When you stop being a retard. So, never. ELDERLY MAN Hey! My youngest son is a retard! And I find that offensive. My son’d never be as rude as this dumbo here! And I’ve had enough of this garbage man! I’m a busy man. I’ve got things to do! I’m a busy man and I’m sure these people in here in - the people in the line are probably busy too. Why hasn’t someone reported the manager on you yet? We’re all busy people here! Get the hell out! GARBAGE DAY Okay. Okay. Calm down, Golem. (To Phil) Okay just give me my cab fair and I’ll be outta here. I’m probably late anyway. PHIL I said bus fair. GARBAGE DAY The bus? I hate the bus. The bus driver’s aren’t very social. With a cabbie though! Oh boy! I could tell you some funny cabbie convos I had.

PHIL (Sighs angrily) Phil hands Garbage Day a $20 bill. PHIL Here’s a 20. You can pay me back whenever. GARBAGE DAY Sweet. See ya, Phil. Tell Pauline I said hi. Garbage Day leaves.

6.

ELDERLY MAN I’m gonna report on the manager to you. I’ll gonna tell him that you were talking to a friend all day. And he was a time waster. PHIL I’m very sorry for the inconvenience this caused you people. Now, sir, let’s get back to your account. ELDERLY MAN Okay, yeah, so, where was I? Oh yeah. Yeah, so, I came in here, the bank, to fix a account. I made a mistake with the account and the account needs to be fixed. And, yeah, well, I need this fixed because the account ... I didn’t transfer the money properfly. I’m here to fix that and FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. REHABILITATION CENTER - AFTERNOON Phil drives up to the entrance. His sister, 22-year-old Pauline, waits for him. She enters the car. He begins to drive

7. INT. CAR So.

PHIL

Long silence PHIL So, Pauline. Silence. Yes?

PAULINE

PHIL How was your stay? PAULINE Fine. How was freedom? PHIL Freedom? I’ve never thought of it like that before. There is little difference between this so-called "freedom" and what you are implying was prison. Whatever

PAULINE

PHIL I’m serious. You did not have to

pay for your stay. Therefore, it was free. You got free meals, free residence, free use of hot tubs. In my freedom I go to work so I can pay for a place to stay and things to eat. PAULINE If you think this place is so great, then why don’t you stay there? PHIL I’m not the drug addict. PAULINE I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Silence

8.

PAULINE And I’m clean now. My free prison has cleaned me. So I don’t want you to call me a drug addict anymore. PHIL Alright. I won’t. PAULINE So how are Mom and Dad? PHIL Mom seems happier. And Dad?

PAULINE

PHIL Mom seems happier. Peter moved in with dad. PAULINE What? Really? Are things with him and Marion bad? PHIL They’re getting divorced. Just another way he’s following in Dad’s footsteps.

PAULINE Are you divorced yet? PHIL I’m not married. PAULINE I figured you’d be married and divorced by now. You follow in dad’s footsteps just as much as Peter. PHIL That’s not true. PAULINE You know it is. You both got the same job as him. You are all into the same things. PHIL First of all: a banker and an accountant are two completely

9.

PHIL different things. Second of all: I don’t follow in his footsteps, I’m just pulled a long. Whatever.

PAULINE

PHIL Mom’s gonna be happy to see you. I know.

PAULINE

Silence Phil pulls up to a two-story house. Phil and Pauline get out of the car. They walk up to the door. Phil knocks on the door. His mother, 47-year-old Paula, opens the door. She has a smile on her face that is always there. PAULA Oh my God! You look so much better! You’ve finally put on some weight. You’re not skin and bones anymore.

Yeah.

PAULINE

PAULA Doesn’t your sister look great, Phil? PHIL She sure does, Mom. Well, I’ll let you two get reacquainted. I’m gonna head out. Pauline heads into the house. PAULA You’re not gonna stay for a little bit? PHIL I can’t. Cynthia is waiting for me at the school. PAULA Did you tell Pauline about your little girlfriend?

10.

PHIL Not yet, Mom. PAULA Oh, can I? We can have a girl talk about it. PHIL Sure, mom. Well, I’ve really gotta go. I’ll talk to you later. PAULA Okay. Stop by tonight if you can. Peter’s coming over to visit. PHIL I’ll see about it. Phil gets in his car and drives away. CUT TO:

EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - LATE AFTERNOON Phil pulls up to the school. Cynthia, a 27-year-old woman, gets in the car. CUT TO: INT. PHIL’S APARTMENT Cynthia and Phil are on the couch talking. CYNTHIA So how long was she there? PHIL A long time. I’d say about a year. CYNTHIA It’s an expensive place isn’t it? PHIL Yeah. Well, we all chipped in. It’s worth it. CYNTHIA Oh, of coarse. If it helps.

11.

PHIL I think it did. CYNTHIA Could you get me a drink? PHIL So I see you hate all forms of movement. CYNTHIA Well, I lazy, but it’s not like (fake breaths heavily) I’ll finish that sentence tomorrow. PHIL Funny. What would you like to drink? CYNTHIA

Do you have any wine? PHIL

I might.

There is a knock on the door. CYNTHIA Did you order wine? PHIL Not to my knowledge. I wonder who that could be. Phil gets up and opens the door. Garbage Day and Smith Jones (a 25-year-old man) are standing in the hallway. Garbage Day lets himself in. Smith stands still. PHIL Uhh,hey, guys. Come on in, Smith. Smith nods, enters, then shuts the door. Garbage Day walks up to Cynthia. GARBAGE DAY Hey, Pauline. Long time no see. I see the celebrity’s hangout did good for you. CYNTHIA (to Phil) Who’s Pauline?

12.

PHIL

My sister.

CYNTHIA Why did I think her name was Gertrude? PHIL Couldn’t tell ya. Guys, this is my girlfriend Cynthia. And my girlfriend Cynthia, this is guys. Smith and Garbage Day. CYNTHIA Were you abandoned in a dumpster? GARBAGE DAY

I see you’re not a classic movie fan. CYNTHIA You got me. GARBAGE DAY S-N-D-N two. The greatest film of all time. Silent Night Deadly Night two. And in that film is the greatest cinematic moment of all time! Garbage Day! And I was a fan before the you tube popularized it. CYNTHIA Well, congratulations. GARBAGE DAY So what are you two up to? PHIL Not much. We just finished eating and we’re just talking. GARBAGE DAY Cool. Like a Tarantino film. Mind if me and Smith hang around for a bit? PHIL (clearly lying) No. Not at all. GARBAGE DAY Cool.

13. SMITH He has company we should probably head out. GARBAGE DAY We’ll stay a little bit. Phil won’t mind. well-

PHIL

GARBAGE DAY Oh, before I forget, I saw Parker at the video store today.

CYNTHIA What movie’s that? GARBAGE DAY It’s not a movie. Parker’s his brother. PHIL Well, his name’s Peter. GARBAGE DAY Yeah, but he’s a huge web head. SMITH I’ve got things to do. I’m gonna head out. GARBAGE DAY Oh come on. Stay a bit. Smith shakes his head and heads for the door. GARBAGE DAY Well, he’s my lift for the day, so I’m gonna halfta leave too. See ya.

PHIL

CYNTHIA Nice to meet you, Smith and Garbage Day. Garbage Day and Smith leave. PHIL Alright. How about I check on that wine now?

14.

CYNTHIA Sounds good. You know some odd people. PHIL Just wait til you meet my family. The phone rings. Phil answers. PHIL Hello?

PAULA (V.O) Hello, Phillip. PHIL Hello, Mother. CYNTHIA Wow. What a coincidence. PAULA (V.O) What are you up to? PHIL I’m here with Cynthia. PAULA (V.O) Well, you two should head over here. Even your father’s here. So is Peter. PHIL Well, I don’t know if we can come over tonight, mom. CYNTHIA But it’s fate. You mentioned meeting your family and then your family invited us over. It’s our destiny to go. PHIL Yeah, Mom, we’ll be there soon. Phil hangs up. PHIL You know fate and destiny aren’t that good of things. Fate and

15.

PHIL destiny are the sole responsibility for death. So, you know, if you can change your destiny, it can be a good thing. CYNTHIA Well, you already told your mother

that you were on your way. So, your destiny is written. PHIL Alright, but if we die, it’s your fault. CYNTHIA Are you saying that I’m fate and destiny? PHIL Probably. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. CYNTHIA Could you carry me down to the car? PHIL Alright, but I want some movement from you later. CYNTHIA Fine. I’ll walk down myself. FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. PAULA’S HOUSE - NIGHT Phil and Cynthia pull up in Phil’s car. They knock on the door.

16.

PAULA

(V.O) Come in!

The two enter. They walk into the living room. In the room

is Paula, Pauline, and Peter (Phil’s 30-year-old brother.) PHIL Mom, this is Cynthia. Cynthia, this is my mom. Paula.

PAULA

PHIL Oh, that’s right. She has an actual name. And this is my sister Pauline and my brother Peter. PETER Hello there, Cynthia. PAULINE Hi. I expected you to be ugly. PAULA So nice to meet you. CYNTHIA Nice to meet you too. So, Phil, Paula, Pauline, and Peter. Does your husband have a P in the beginning too? PAULA Ex-husband. And yes, actually. Pat. CYNTHIA You never told me your parents were divorced. PHIL I also never told you I crapped myself in the second grade either. I’m giving it to you piece by piece. To hear it all you’ll have to stay with me forever. CYNTHIA I see.

17.

PAULINE You sound desperate.

CYNTHIA I think it’s sweet. PHIL (to Paula) Where’s Dad? You said he was here. PAULA Your father went outside for a cigarette. Why don’t you two sit down. The two sit down. PHIL So, Peter, Garbage Day says he saw you in the video store today. PETER Garbage Day? Jeff.

PHIL

PETER Oh, yes. That one. I forgot about his garbage nickname. PAULA I don’t see why he uses it. Jeff is such a lovely name. PAULINE Because he’s an idiot. Phil has such stupid friends. PHIL At least mine aren’t all brain dead crack heads. PAULA Phil! PAULINE I don’t need to take this! PHIL If only you could of said that when you were younger.

18.

PAULINE Shut up! Pauline storms upstairs. CYNTHIA Phil. This is a very hard time for her. You shouldn’t talk to your sister like that. PHIL Well, she irritates me is all. PAULA I think you should go up and apologize. PETER I agree, but wait a little first. If you go up now, she’s likely to kill you. Phil’s 50-year-old dad, Pat, enters the room. He speaks in an angry monotone voice. PAT I hope you weren’t attached to that white raccoon out there. (to Cynthia) Who are you? CYNTHIA Cynthia. PHIL She’s my girlfriend. PAT Nice to meet you. Pat holds out his hand to shake Cynthia’s hand. His hand is bleeding. CYNTHIA Oh my God! What happened? PAT Oh, nothing serious. Wait, white raccoons don’t carry rabies, right? PHIL Come on Dad, I’ll take you to the hospital.

19. PAT They’re not going to give me a needle are they? PETER Yes, Dad. That’s what they do for rabies. PAULA Hurry up and take him. He could start foaming at the mouth any moment. PAT If they’re gonna give me a needle, I’d rather die. PETER Dad, don’t talk like that. PHIL If he wants to die an excruciating way, let him. A man should choose his own destiny. PAT Excruciating? I thought I would just foam at the mouth then pass away peacefully in my sleep. PHIL Not how it works. PAT Alright. I’ll get the needle, but nobody tell Pauline. I don’t want her thinking about that stuff anymore. PHIL Alright. Let’s go, Dad. PAULA Cynthia, you can stay here until Phil gets back if you want. CYNTHIA Thanks, but I should be heading home. I think I have bus fair. PETER Phil, you drive her home and I’ll take Dad.

20. PHIL Are you sure? PETER Yes. You have to take car of your woman. PAT Listen to the man, Phil. He’s screwed up enough to figure out how not to treat women. PAULA He must get that from his father. PHIL Okay. I think it’s leaving time. Phil, Cynthia, Peter, and Pat all leave. Phil and Cynthia get in Phil’s car and drive away. INT. CAR CYNTHIA And to think, you didn’t even want to come to night. PHIL Well, Cynthia, I can assure you that my family will never be like this again. CYNTHIA Can you? PHIL Yes. There is no way my family will ever be this normal again. Cynthia chuckles. CYNTHIA You never did check to see if you had that wine. PHIL No, I did not. I don’t think I do though. CYNTHIA

Well, I do. What’s say we go over to my place?

21.

PHIL As long as there’s no white raccoons, it’s a deal. CYNTHIA I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. PHIL I have to go back. CYNTHIA To your place? PHIL My mom’s place. CYNTHIA Why? Did you forget something? PHIL Yeah. I forgot about my sister. CYNTHIA Well, we’re nearly at my house. Drop me off, go apologize, then come back over. PHIL Sounds like a plan. CUT TO: INT. PAULINE’S BEDROOM Pauline is laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. There is a knock on her door. PAULINE Yeah? PHIL (V.O) Can I come in? PAULINE

No. Phil enters the room. PHIL Liar. PAULINE What do you want? PHIL I shouldn’t of acted the way I did. I’m sorry. PAULINE You trying to show your girlfriend you’re a sensitive type man? PHIL She’s at home. I just wanted you to know that - that when I first heard about ... your condition. I was shocked. And hurt. I thought you could tell me anything. PAULINE That girlfriend got you watching soap operas. PHIL Why are you making this difficult? PAULINE How’s Dad? PHIL Mom seems happier. PAULINE Did it bite him hard. Mom wasn’t a very good source. PHIL I think he’ll be fine. PAULINE Good to hear. I’m going to bed now. PHIL Goodnight. Yeah.

PAULINE FADE OUT:

THE END