Autobiography

A recount of My Life Experiences

Dedications When children are born, they are like blank slates on which their parents’ help to script the beginning of their life stories. Every child grows up and ultimately charts his own destiny, but his parents lay the foundations. These recollections are dedicated to the memories of my parents, a set that passed on the gift of being to me and watched my first irresolute steps in life.

A WALK THROUGH THE RAIN For some time – I think since I was a child – I have been possessed of the desire to put down the stuff of my life. - LORRAINE HANSBERRY“A man's memory is bound to be a distortion of his past in accordance with his present interests, and the most faithful autobiography is likely to mirror less what a man was than what he has become." - FAWN M. BRODIE -

This is a true recount of both my childhood and early adulthood life with no changes in names and specifics safe for very minor omissions and/or modifications.

Preamble A perfectly healthy sentence, it is true, is extremely rare for the most part we miss the hue and the fragrance of the thought, as if we could be satisfied with the dews of dawn or twilight devoid of their insignia, or the heavens without their azure. I struggle to put the bits of my life together so that one soul might be influenced into doing what is right to another when he has got the opportunity to do so. I feel so obliged; having faced all the odds with the arduous task of bringing up my siblings, to employ my time into improving others verve with my writing so that they shall come easily by what I have labored so hard for. Sharing our stories is a means of healing. Grief and gloom may isolate us, and anger may alienate us. Shared with others, these emotions can be powerfully uniting, as we see that we are not alone, and realize that others suppurate with us. I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigated pain. It is important to share how I know endurance is survival and not just a walk through the rain. But keep in mind, as a good reader, do not ignore your master of discontent: experience, for if you do, you are tempting fate. Experience will show you great things of eternal worth, knowledge that lasts longer than that of mere temporal pecuniary or material gain. Herein, if you examine and listen well, is knowledge tinged with wisdom and indulgence, at hand for you and your posterity's gain. But if you do not learn, like the horde, you will brush up against loss and failure again and again without purpose or gain. Insanity and time wasted is of that which is done over and over without adjustment for attainment. What do you want of your life? Reflect on long and well before you decide, for you may conquer what you seek. Is it affluence, power, love and affection, peace of mind, admiration, respect, position, name it. Whatever your aspiration may be, fix them in your mind and never let loose. Understand that even this may not be sufficient because life is unfair. You may work diligently and be more enduring than the biblical Job and still never rise above mediocrity unless plans are drawn and aims established. No ship ever lifted anchor and set cruise without a destination. No olive tree ever displayed its flowers without promise of the fruits to come. It is impractical to advance in life properly without goals. Life is a game with few players and many spectators. Those who watch are the multitudes that drift through life with no dreams, no goals, no plans even for tomorrow. Do not pity them. They made their choices

when they made no choice. To watch the battle from the stands is safe. Who can stumble, who can fall, who can be heckled if they make no effort to participate? Are you a player? As a player you cannot lose. Those who triumph may carry the day and yet those who are defeated, today, have learned valuable lessons that may turn the tide for them tomorrow. Take heart! I have done it, somehow. - Tonny Felix Otieno A Walk Through the Rain Here is my story. Reminiscences, even extensive ones, do not always amount to an autobiography. For autobiography has to do with time, with sequence and what makes up the continuous flow of life. Here, I am talking of a space, of moments and discontinuities. For even if months and years appear here, it is in the form they have in the moment of recollection. This strange form -- it may be called fleeting or eternal -- is in neither case the stuff that life is made of. A Child is Born - My Life With both Parents I was born on Tuesday June the 5th 1979 to my late parents as the first child in Kisumu – formerly “Port Florence”, Kenya. My mother, Linet Apondi Tonny was 23 and my father, Joseph Tonny Onyango was 28. I am 28 today. We lived in a small house. It had a living cum dinning room, a bedroom and a small store with a kitchen on a separate roof and shared outside toilets for two houses. It was conveniently within the school where my father worked as a primary school teacher. We slept in the living room and bathed in the make-shift outdoor bathroom. Lighting was paraffin lamps - one hurricane lamp and tin lamps. The hurricane lamp was preserved for the living room. We had a wet-cell battery to power the 14 inch black and white great wall TV set, an affectation of the middle class then. Life was generally good. This simple and tranquil life with my parents was in a small district town in the shores of Lake Victoria. We changed locations a couple of times to move with dad every time he was transferred to a new station. As a child I was very active, upbeat and cheerful. I learnt most of the household chores as early as primary three. I did more as a kid than an average child. My mother hated to cook, so she made me cook most of the time. I then become engrossed in cooking. I started doing the family cooking as soon as I was old enough. I still love to cook, only now, stews! Thanks mum! I could prepare a decent meal for the family, spending most of my time in the kitchen while the other household members are glued to the TV, waiting for me to set the table. These chores ranging from fetching firewood, fetching water, shopping including the in-house routines, I did enthusiastically without showing faces. On one

hand, I considered it imposed child labor whilst on the other; it taught me a great deal of independence. I was the least favored child in the family and I got the slightest provision, attention and concern from my parents. Instead, all the concentration and preferential indulgence went to my followers. My immediate follower, a sister, was the most favored. I was inducted into business by my mother when I was about ten. As a student, this was a very costly exercise. It ate into my school hours a great deal. Most Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I forfeited half-day schooling to be in the market. These were mandatory market days and I would miss out on all my afternoon classes to be in the second-hand clothes souk. My absenteeism notwithstanding, I was gifted academically and that gave me a competitive edge in class. Throughout my primary education, I emerged the best in all the end-of-term exams. I recognized at this early age that there is no substitute for hard work and the will to do springs from the knowledge that we can do with a stance that few things are impossible to diligence and skill. My father, tall and fine-looking, a chivalrous man of light complexion was an accomplished primary school teacher and an astute Sabbath school superintendent. He was loved by all and held in high esteem by his pupils. He had a great passion for his children and the church. He watched my first faltering steps to school and showed me the way to church. He knew when to be strict, not embracing nonsense at the expense of etiquette. We had excellent decorum. At the time of his death, he was charged deputy head teacher of Adhiro Primary School, the same school we were enrolled. He was thirty six when he died. To this day, I keep the cherished memories of the loved and lost. He loved us, he cared for us, and he stood by our side always. This has made me overly protective of my siblings craving to show an evident positive identification with my father. Until his demise, we were so tight despite the jousting that he was not in fact my natal father. I was proud of him, a gentleman indeed, and did not want to cloud my mind with the quest for answers as to who actually sired me at that tender age. There was a lot of gibberish on this issue at clan level with whispers from every quarter but I did not stoop to the gossipers chagrin. I held my head high and defied all odds turning a deaf ear to their unsolicited twaddle. This was meant to be a big emotional set back in my life as a child but it never did. Today I feel a bit humiliated to write about this here, one of my many secrets I have well fortified over time. But at one point, every one of us has to rid of their closets of all the skeletons and seek out consecration at the covert’s glum.

My insolence will forgive me in the eyes of my late parents, a pair who is the custodian of this legitimacy. There was a lot of disquiet and quarrels between my parents, months before my father’s demise. The fissure was so loud, even as a child, I could tell all was not well. To a certain extent, I did not understand the cause of their dissension but I sensed meanness and cruelty with mum. She acted bizarrely and time after time she neglected her responsibilities as a mother and a wife. I was not very happy with her and she was so upset at my audacity and stance on the subject. She developed hatred for me and many strange things started to happen. One night when dad was away, a fight ensued. It was a bout dad and my position on their differences. Then she told me on the face that I shouldn’t be boastful of a man who is not in fact my father. I was in rude shock. I could not stand her meanness and malevolence any longer. She cared less about my feelings and how they would impact in my emotional, mental and social health and development as a child. I felt useless and unworthy of living every time she gorged me, her own child, in verbal brawls. I was determined to leave. Rage consumed me like fire consuming dry grass. I needed hope when “dad” showed up, rebutted mum’s claims and showered me with love. I kept to his side most of the time and he was there to comfort me when I needed it. He wanted to erase it completely off my memory, that truly he wasn’t my father. I found true love in him and in fact, he was a man of great magnificence. May be he wanted to say something at the most opportune time, to clear the air, but he never had a chance. Or may be he would have preferred status quo. His death was a big blow. Now that they are both gone, I will never find out and the legitimacy cannot be told, never. No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. The Turning Point - The Death of my Parents JOSEPH TONNY, and LINET his Wife, both lie here interred. They lived lovingly together in their formative years of marriage. Without an asset, or any gainful service, by constant toil and diligence, with God's blessing, they sired seven children, and comfortably brought up six of them reputably. From this instance, reader, be encouraged to assiduousness in your calling, and doubt not destiny. He was a virtuous and discreet man; She was an astute and worthy woman.

Their first child, Felix, in filial regard to their reminiscence, places this epitaph. J. T. L.T. F. T.

Died 19thJune 1991, Died 24th June 1995, By Born 5th June 1979…

All was going on well. It was the year 1991. The year the Legion Maria sect’s “messiah” aka Ondeto, was pronounced dead. I was in my final year of primary education. Midway that year, dad passed on to glory. The impact, big and instantaneous, hexed a critical turning point in my life. Until their untimely demise in a four-year succession, I had lost complete touch with mum. Dad was always there for me, he was my true friend. When he bid us farewell on that fateful night, I could not come to terms with the fact that he was no more. I felt lonely. On 24th June 1995, the sinister devil of death came back knocking. Mum was the next in line. She too was painfully robbed of the right to life by this dark fate. Death had taken them both. We were ushered into orphan-hood at these tender ages. My last born brother was only six when mum left us. I was fourteen. We are six siblings, four brothers and two sisters. The days preceding my mum’s death were not very easy for me either. Lynette, my mother, was a stubborn lady. Her obsessive stubbornness – her stubborn obsessiveness had very nearly driven my father to a breakdown in his final years. I suffered a great deal of her meanness. I still grieve for what I didn’t have and I wish I did – motherly love. Always I’m running around trying to fill the hole in my life with mother figures. It has made me so drawn to female characters that are keen to help me. I seek out their attention and try to find support and compassion from them. I never got support and sympathy from my own mother, for some reason. Most of these women have provided me with the motherly-love and the caring that I totally crave. My mother’s health deteriorated at home and no one cared to take her to the hospital. I still believe she could have lived longer, somehow, if some attempts were made to save her. We were desperately deprived to afford a doctor’s consultation let alone a sick-in bill. A glimpse at her suffering made us come to grips with a difficult reality, of the unnatural heart ache and grief that accompany loneliness for the loved and lost, of facing the difficult decisions of what comes next, of recalling cogent memories, of learning to struggle. My siblings were the helpless, horrified witnesses to my mother’s humiliating demise – utterly isolated in our mud-walled house that was now in patches. I was in my second year of secondary school. At her funeral, by the grave

side, I looked at my brothers and saw pity for them. I was so frail, I felt fear consume me. I was like a morsel of flesh socketed in bones. They needed assurance that all was not lost. I wanted to promise them that but not with tears well in my eyes. I felt mockery. It was a big blow to us. Misfortunes were taking their toll in our lives and at that rate, I surmised, tomorrow would never come. I endured defeat. However, in every adversity there lies the seed of an equivalent advantage. In every defeat there is a lesson showing you how to win the victory next time. I was in boarding school when mum died. The interment came to pass and it was time to go back to school. There was no way I was going to leave my siblings all alone with no guardian. They were very young and tender. They needed someone to take care of them. I was that someone. I decided to quit boarding and commute to school while contemporaneously looking after them. It was hectic but I had to face it. Sufficing to say, some have been thought brave because they didn’t have the courage to run away from problems. I am able to see a lot of sense in my choices today. I found out that I could not escape the truth of it. I have just recently realized that I find nothing more moving, more inspiring, or more beautiful than sacrifice. I believe life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward and in the end, it is not the years in my life that count but the life in my years. Indeed, we learn more about a road by traveling it than by consulting all the maps in the world. Top Secret – The Untold of My Childhood I’m disposed to tell my life’s story with honesty and shameless openness that requires not only brilliant clarity but also the strength of words that must go with it. This brings me to this delicate clandestine that have really affected my sexual posturing and development. The sexual molestation I went through as a child in the hands of my aunt is unsullied in my mind yet untold, not even to my late parents. Gosh! How can that be true? Small wonders! Oh yes, it is a honest recount. I was exposed to female nudity at five. Not just the occasional glimpse of female flesh, but a complete full frontal nudity which leaves nothing to the imagination. She trained me to appreciate nakedness and I started to see beauty in ugliness. Sex, almost always disappoints me in reality, somehow. Everything about sex can be said or done now, and that's what I acquired in my childhood: everything, a feeling of generality or dispersal. But in my experience as an adult, true sex is so particular, so peculiar to the

person who yearns for it. Only he or she, and no one else, would desire so very much that very person under those circumstances. In many instances, I am haunted by the relived sense of terrific sex specifics of my infancy. If the sex scene doesn't make you want to do it - whatever it is they're doing - it hasn't been portrayed right. I discovered that with my monster aunt. I was only five – just a toddler. For two consecutive years I went through things I’m embarrassed to put in the pages of this recount. My late parents had no knowledge of the happenings and my shrewd yet wicked aunt made sure that my mouth was kept shut. I have never spoken about it for the many years but the alienation is still strong in me. I could not speak to mum about it because we were not close and always I was being threatened by my abuser. Often we are all looking for something of extraordinary importance whose nature we have forgotten; but I am writing the memoirs of a man who has not lost his memory. What an insidious drug memory can be, especially the memory of unhappiness. All these reminiscence breeds in me strange loneliness. As a victim, I would advocate that part of sexual revolution should aim at bringing rationality to sexuality -- because when we don't embrace our sexuality in a normal way, we acquire the twisted and perverted kinds - the kinds that obliterate and heinously destroy lives of the innocent. This should not be misconstrued as crusading for an ideal society for that is next to impossible in the present day given the ingrained vices engulfing our humanity and compassion. Practically it has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. The isolation is real although a paradox. Perhaps the insecurity has been horrendous hence forever seeking sympathy from the women folks instead of keeping them at bay. To date, I’m so inclined to women, persistently in pursuit of their companionship, young and old alike. I’ve been looking up to other women to give me something I didn’t have as a child. Eighty percent of what I dub friends in my life today are women mysteriously getting more favors from them compared to men. I find this very bizarre. I love women. I love their grace, their beauty, their babbling and strength. I view them as fundamentally the same creatures as men, and yet ineffably and wonderfully different. I look at women as more thespian, less draped and a more vibrant sex. On the contrary, the abuse from my mother and my aunt spelt doom and I ruefully thought I would not be like the other children. To a great extent, this has shown negative pretentious and ostentation to my dispositions, attitudes and social orientation in reality. Orphan hood – Life without Parents

As a youth, I lived a rather onerous life having to assume those chores that are best delegated to parents. I literally had no source of income and we had to till the small family land for survival. Mostly we lived an abysmal life; torn blankets, tattered clothes, ravenously hungry and desperately in need of bath, at least with soap. We faced a lot of financial predicaments especially with my school fees and I ruefully thought I would drop out in my second year having accumulated huge balances from first year in arrears. In many instances I would be out of school because of nonpayment of fees. Our subsistence was quite awful and life was tough but I acquainted my brothers with the fact that there was no giving in. Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don’t recognize them. I started to see things differently. We had to act with positive thoughts. We initiated a small scale horticulture project and mainly planted kales and tomatoes. We spent after-school hours and morning dawns tilling the vegetable garden. I then started little savings. My most important money management tool was not figuring out how to get more but rather discovering how little we really needed and how much we already had. Sure I looked for practical ways to save even though we were barely surviving. But how I saved money is not the point. What was important then was knowing that we could not get everything we needed and that want was a luxury. I took a hard look at our needs and got ruthless about separating them from the wants. We needed food; we never wanted steak! Having less made me much more grateful for what was in front of me and I realized that surely being poor does not make one noble. It surely doesn’t. But poverty made me more careful and grateful. I started feeling the urge to take charge of our situation. I was not naïve enough to think that people do not make bad choices neither was I mean-spirited enough to believe that poor people are poor only because they are pathologically incapable of wealth. We were in that state of affairs because of a dearth of opportunities and more. However, in my lineage, I know not of any rich man. I once joked to my brothers that our family has been practicing “how to be poor” from time immemorial. Our horticulture project suffered a great deal of deficiency in terms of input even though labor was in abundant. We were a hard-working family team. At some point, a family friend whom I regard as our foster parent to this day, was moved by our courage and purpose. This charismatic lady of great splendor then started to inject into our project little hand-outs. She would give us seeds and fertilizer and this was a big boost. From then on, she never left us on our own, at least chipping in once in a while. I present my homage to Mrs. Beatrice Otieno, a woman who nurtures and raises a child that is not biologically her own. I found her a character whose heart is

generous enough to take responsibility for children who are not in principle hers. She is a woman who truly evoked a feeling in me that is usually reserved for a mother. The same goes to her husband, Mr. Dickson Otieno. They are an exceptional couple and I thank them profusely for coming into our lives when we needed them most. Dickson has been like a father, fully in-charge of my brothers’ schooling. Even when he did not have a child of his own in school at that time, he was intrepid enough to represent my brothers and even took up a more strenuous responsibility of a PTA head. He played a vital role in securing admission for my two brothers in a boarding school when they were sent back home by their guardians. When my brother called me on telephone to convey the sad news that he had been returned home, I could not hold back my tears. I had nothing at all and I did not know where to start. I was in my third year of study at the university. I had to act with speed to salvage my brothers from the apparent academic ruin. At this point, I should say it was like a miracle. Many people sympathized with my situation and I got a full year’s school fees for two. Tears of joy flowed freely. This is when Mr. and Mrs. Dickson became full time parents again. My siblings, though young, were very instrumental in our fight. Godfrey, the physically powerful – worked with ruthless might. Rodgers, the innovator and leader – was exceptional. Victor, the magnificent – showed amazing perseverance incomparable to his age. Beatrice, the tranquil and moderate – faced it. Lillian, the timid and gullible – was a powerful flame that doused hurriedly. Sometimes I felt I was subjecting them to too much labor but on the contrary, they showed determination and steadfastness in place of relent. True, those who aim at great deeds must suffer greatly. When an egg breaks by a power outside, a life ends but when an egg breaks by a power inside, a life begins. Great things always begin from the power inside. Seen often are people with a dream but society convinces them that achieving it is a "pipe dream" or impossible. I strived towards that dream and never gave up! Dreams aren't merely thoughts we fantasize about, they are the force that gives grit its necessary strength to fight opposition and win successfully. And that alone is what makes or breaks a person. Listen to your inner self – it speaks wisdom. An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; yet a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity. In fact, we did what we could, with what we had, with where we were. Things were working out and life was getting better. As fate would have it, I secured a supply tender for fresh produce with my school through the Head teacher who was equally compassionate. He felt much empathy with my needy situation having been persuaded by my hard work to affray the odds. Accordingly, much of the

produce we supplied to the school and the proceeds were credited to my fees account. At this point, school fees became less of a yoke. I recognized that life becomes real only when we begin to face and solve our own problems. Until then, we only swim in circles in a large fantasy world which tends to make us very weary of living. I started to train my mind to desire only what the situation demanded. Facing it, always facing it, that’s the only way to get through. I did not know luxury in high school. I was barely surviving. Sometimes I would be in school barefoot because my first and only pair of black shoe I got from a friend when I was joining form one had succumbed to wear and tear. That did not deter me from attending school, sometimes in torn trousers and on an empty stomach. As a student, I have been through tough phases. I may have shrunk or may have given up but the motivation acted as a fuel to my emotional engine, getting me through it and giving me a call of the bliss. Life, a four-letter word, includes in it a juggernaut bowl of emotions, experiences, thoughts, and beliefs. It carries on like an incessant brook, flowing sometimes through the hilly areas or a plain but it carries on until it meets the destined water body. I had a lot of concessions in my former school, Our Lady’s Mercy Ringa Boys Secondary School. I’m greatly indebted to the school administration at the time for their leniency. I was the last to arrive in school and the first to leave. I was exempted from the morning manual work as well as games and clubs in the evenings. I needed these hours in the garden. Despite all these, my academic work was impressive. I developed a strong rapport with my teachers who were very instrumental in shaping my destiny. Life was hard at school and at home it was even more demanding. I did not have even a minute of lamentation and decadence. I faced it. I realized that no condition in life is permanent, that there are seasons in life just as in nature. No situation which confronts you, good or bad, will last. I made no operational plans which extended beyond a year. In life, as in war, plans of long range have no significance. All depends on the way unexpected movements of the enemy, that cannot be foreseen, are met, and how the whole matter is handled. During this time, when things were almost getting even, I made more enemies than friends, especially with my relatives. In the face of all these, I still have a lot of respect for my uncle Philip, the only brother to my father. In spite of the pressure, stress, blackmail, inadequacy and all, he tried to out-live the say in Luo, “Chan man kowadu ok dak moni nindo”- (your brother’s dearth cannot deprive you of sleep).

He is the only person who cared to know how we faired on even when he could do less about it. We were almost on our own when I enrolled in forth form, the

final year of secondary education. The enmity was getting worse but I did not take my eyes off the goal instead it gave me the momentum to work even harder. Your enemy, if you are not prepared, can be the cycles in life, mysterious rhythms of ups and downs like the great seas that rise and fall on the shores of the world. High tide and low, sunrise and sunset, wealth and poverty, joy and despair – each of these forces will prevail in their time. Always I said to myself: Not what I have, but what I see; Not what I see, but what I choose; Not what seems fair, but what is true; Not what I dream, but what I do; Not what I take, but what I give; Not as I pray, but as I live. My worst challenge during high school was how to deal with my monster “grandmother”. She was terrible, dreadful, mean, loud and cruel. I could not stand her hounding and the constant gratuitous wrangles. She sheared us of many rights and privileges. Rumors even had it that she had something to do with my father’s death. I have never let superstition take control of my thoughts though. Many instances we were in dire need but my grandma would even deny us that which was rightfully ours. It did not stop me. I struggled even harder. I was impeccably resolute to face all odds with calm. Repression, humiliation, oppression, deprivation and mistreatment – all these were not forces strong enough to impede me from protecting my siblings. They were all I had left and they looked up to me. Sharing a homestead with my grandma was like living in a hole with a poisonous python. She was nicknamed Mama Kelele, a Swahili phrase for “a querulous woman”. I detested every single day we shared with her in the same homestead. One day when I was away to school, my sister went to her potato farm to harvest some kales because we did not have anything for dinner that evening. My sister thought that it was all right to do so given that she, my grandma, would in many occasions, take something from our backyard without our knowledge. That evening, when she came back and found out that my sister had visited her farm without her consent, hell broke loose. She went to the farm with vehemence and rage, uprooted all the kales, and carried the bundle to our doorstep so that we could eat even the stalks plus the roots. Shameful! Sheer wickedness and profanity according to the Luo tradition. We could not eat even the portion we had cooked. We went to bed hungry and famished that night and it came to pass. On a separate incidence, I had many hens that I needed to lay fertilized eggs to brood. However, there was no cockerel in the homestead so I decided to buy one from the market. According to the Luo custom, a cock is not supposed to be in a son’s house if he is still in his father’s homestead. Accordingly, there was no way I could take the cockerel to our house. I therefore took it to my grandma’s house. However, out of jealousy she faked that the cockerel was sick and therefore would spread the flu to her chickens. She declined to have the cockerel spend the night in her house so I had to take it back to our house. I was tempting fate by prevailing over tradition. There was a lot of talk that I should get

rid of the cock but I never yielded. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months but nothing strange happened to us. These are just but a few of the many sacrileges from my grandma we triumphed by faith. My ambition in life was to become a competent business executive with a bias in accountancy despite the many contentions and persuasions from friends that teaching was my sanctified career. I hated a routine profession; moreover, teaching was less rewarding compared to other noble occupations. That made it less appealing. I was resolute to study accountancy. In fact, accounts was my favorite subject in high school and I scored grade A (minus) in the national examination. I was then hired by the school board, my former school, to teach accounts to forms three and four. That year, the year 1999, I emerged the best accounts teacher in the district tally. That proved two points, my friends’ assertions of making a good teacher and my own dream of being an accomplished accountant. I was firm on the latter. I had been lucky enough to improve the method of instruction and the general performance of students, and this encouraged me to think I might possibly in time come to be a tolerable Executive Accountant, of which I was extremely ambitious. In the year 2000, a Spanish decent married to an aunt of mine, my mother’s first cousin, offered to sponsor, in part, my accountancy course. I was enrolled in Strathmore College, now Strathmore University and studied part one of CPA (Certified Public Accountant). In Nairobi, I could not find accommodation. My only hope, Collins, a cousin who lived just a stone-throw away from the college, declined to take me in. He was sharing a three-bedroom flat with a friend and they were both single. There was plenty of room but he could not let me in somehow. I needed somewhere to stay if I were to take up the sponsorship. I talked to my aunt who then took me in as a houseboy. Luckily enough, I was enrolled for the evening classes and therefore it did not conflict with my houseboy chores. I worked in the day and attended classes in the evenings. My Life as a Maid - Second Generation Domestic Living a maid’s life is hell especially if your master is comparable to my aunt. Pleasing her was almost next to impossible. Everything had to be perfect and however much I tried, I faced her wrath more often than not. Many instances she would scrutinize my laundry, checking on the pressed shirts and any tiniest crease, she would throw the shirts on the floor so that I have to start all over again. For a year I was fulltime maid and part time student. I could do anything to keep in college. These were my sponsors. A very kind lady, always ready

to help those in affliction, yet she proffered as very complicated. We were three maids; two house girls and me. I was assigned laundry, lawns and the garden while the ladies did the interior including the kitchen. Babysitting the two children was our collective responsibility and they were second to none. Messing with them was like putting your own big toe in a mortar and grinding away. The cleanliness of the two cars was in my jurisdiction. I had to make sure they were clean before seven in the morning. The twelve months were like a decade in incarceration. I missed home with all its deprivation. As a second generation domestic, I lived without sick time or health insurance. I earned three thousand Kenya shillings a month. Nairobi, as it is, is horrendously expensive and how maids live on that kind of money, let alone send some home, is beyond my understanding. Because of the work conditions, the turnover rate was very high. Many maids came and left. I would have preferred to leave too, but I had no option. It was standing between me and the college certificate that I badly needed. My Love Life – The Romantic Side of Me “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” is an old cliché: that beauty is a subjective matter which depends on individual prejudices. If beauty were truly subjective, if it depended entirely on our perception, it could not be studied. The personal aesthetic is not formed in a vacuum. Society, culture, past experience, all these have a role to play in determining what an individual considers beautiful and therefore appropriate. And this personal aesthetic does have some coherence, as it is not an entirely personal choice. Instead, it is conditioned by those around you, your education, the art to which you are exposed and most importantly, the opinion of others. Inevitably, many personal aesthetics invariably tend towards a communal aesthetic, a fashion or a trend; a common ideal of what beauty is or should be. I never wanted to arouse love. I was so preoccupied with matters at hand. But when I was retained as a maid at my aunt’s house, I met Terry, a very soft-spoken and stunning lady nonetheless a house girl. She was approaching her twenties and she did not proffer as underprivileged. Her whole figure stood seven heads high, with the crotch placed midway between the top and bottom of the figure. Her lotus petal eyes, a pair of black beans floating in milk, were placed two-thirds of the way up her wrinkle-free face. Her figure assumed a particular posture called the tribagha by the ancient Indians. In contemporary India, this is referred to as a “pose of the three bends”, bent at the hips, waist and breasts to provide an S like shape. I saw true seduction in the grotesque female body of this exalted beauty of a humble housemaid. Starting at the time when she took up her job here, this lady of high hips went towards the abode of my heart. As time passed by, her two well-developed and finely tapering

breasts adorned with a golden chain, celestial unguent and also with fragrant sandal paste began to make me tremble with lust. In consequence of the weight of her breasts coupled with her Spartan dressing style, while doing her chores, she had to slightly stoop forward at every step, for it displayed the beauty of her waist lined with three folds. She had a nice rack. Her fair, high, round and matchless hips were the charming abode of the god of love which was capable of shaking the saint-hood of celestial rishis, being covered with thin attires, almost always. She looked highly gorgeous. Exhilarated with her beauty and excited also by desire, I crossed the social bridge. I was in love with a maid! But was I anything better? What difference did it make cleaning toilets and trimming fences to a relative so my brothers could eat? She worked for less than two months before she left. Within that short time, we became close acquaintances and I would greatly miss her company. However, as fate may have it, Terry was hired by Strathmore College, the same college I attended. She worked in the college cafeteria as a server. Here, we even got to know each other more and everyday I would visit the cafeteria for drinks and snacks before classes. She handed me staff privileges and I did not have to pay a shilling for what I consumed. We had our chit chats but I didn’t quite understand her. All said and done, I could not meet many of Terry’s demands, which fortunately were not materialistic. She needed night outs, discos and clubs but as a boarding maid, I was under supervision and in any case, I think I was not ready for this. There was no leaving the compound without permission and I needed a good reason to be away. In fact that was just out of the question. It was like living in a prison. Before our love could get so entrenched, she left the country for the Netherlands, more or less disappointed in me. She later on met a Dutchman and wedded. She sent two post cards before finally going quite. We have since lost touch. She revealed to me truth beyond falsehood, plain speech beneath cosmetic rhetoric and essence beneath appearance. She prepared me for my next love life. The whole experience was an opening up of the soul and spirit for me. I was enthusiastic, and for life, as it has turned out, I was a late bloomer who was still growing up. I didn’t get started on life until I was about twenty-four, which was good because I was old enough to appreciate it. I had it all ahead of me. In the mean time, while at the University, I met Doreen, having on my own account lost many friends and possible acquaintances. I was often in distress, and used to send for her or invite her to my room after our first meeting. I asked of her of what she could spare to make me happy. I grew fond of her company, and being under no restraint whatsoever, and presuming upon my appealing to her and her penchant of me, I attempted arousing her love, another erratum, which she endorsed with eager. I was in love again, but this time, a wrong match even though of the right class. I

acquainted her with my behavior while deep inside I knew she was not the right one. I showered her with lots of affectation mixed with affection. This made a strong bonding between us; and when she boldly betrayed my trust, I hoorayed with reprieve. I let her know I had cancelled all the obligations she had been under to me as a lover. I found I was never to expect her repaying me what I had lent to her, or advanced for her including my most treasured possession – my first mobile phone. This, however, was not of much consequence, as she was totally unable; and in the loss of her love I found myself relieved from lumber and encumbrance. I now began to think of getting another lover beforehand, expecting a better love life – cozy and more flowery. It was time to send her offing. I damped her for her best friend – Pauline. She had been genteelly bred, sensible and lively, and of most pleasing conversation. She has gifted eyes that inspire love, and with eyelashes like polished blades. I could not resist her brilliant girdles and provoking smiles plus her amorous ways, which awaken my desires. My heart burned with love's fire; I felt demoralized with a feeling of servitude, derision and misery when I couldn’t win her swiftly. I suffered under the vicissitudes of her passion: and all this was as a consequence of my burning desire for contact with her. Yes, I worked hard to win her heart. I needed the company of an understanding woman like her. In the month of June in the year two thousand and one, we got together. I dedicated my life to her and we spoke in detail about my life and my brothers. It was not going to be an easy task for her to help me love my brothers back given her background.

My University Life Having gone through much anguish in my secondary school life, I barely made it to the university. Abused by my aunt at 5, suffered parental cruelty as a child, a “parent” at 14 – there was little in my traumatic childhood to suggest I would become an emerging star in my family’s horizon. A total orphan at 14, struggling to feed my 5 siblings by doing many odd jobs for a series of exploitative employers, I had little time to devote to studies or to contemplating the harsh reality of my existence. Tears of joy drooled freely and no words could express my gratitude to The Almighty when I got my results. I had attained the minimum grade for university admission. My prayers had been answered. In spite of the notable breakthrough, life challenges were growing even bigger in proportion each day. I was wedged in a serious financial quandary but the worst of my dilemmas was the thought of our severance. The idea of separating with my brothers consumed me like fire consuming dry grass. We had bonded as a family and living it, taking one day at a

time. Once again I suffered ridicule and defeat. I was a useless putrid piece of wood, discarded in the hub of the oceanic. Nights were no longer periods of rest but protracted sessions of relentless agony. Leaving these kids behind me on their own as I went to the university was more than I could bear. I kept wondering whether it was the best thing to do, giving up our oneness for the pursuit of education. I rummaged through my mind for answers but it was so tormenting. Then I reasoned that if I forfeited my degree and stayed with them, we will never rise above mediocrity and poverty. He whose ambition creeps instead of soars; he who is always uncertain; he who procrastinates instead of acts, struggles in vain against failure. Is he not imprudent who, seeing tide making toward him will sleep until the sea overwhelms him? Is he not foolish who, given the opportunity to improve his lot, will deliberate until his neighbor is chosen instead? Only action gives to life its strength, its joy, its purpose. The world will always determine your worth by the deeds you do. Who can measure my talents by the thoughts I have or the emotions I feel? And how would I proclaim my abilities if I were always a spectator and never a player? I took heart when I realized that activity and sadness are eternal opposites. When my muscles were straining and fingers were gripping and feet were moving and my mind was occupied with the task at hand, I had little time for self pity and remorse. Action is the balm that will heal any wound. I dreaded a life of mediocrity and poverty for eternity. We had had our rightful share of deprivation and I was resolute to end it. I took up the opportunity for further studies. They understood with pain as I handed each one of them to different relatives. It was so painful to see them go their different ways. However, I hoped for another reunion when the dark clouds were gone. My plea to their new guardians was to send them to school but not all of them heeded to this solemn plea. Correcting ignorance in the young, I believe, is the job of every civilized man and woman. It is, indeed, humbling to be in the presence, even virtually, of so many who take it upon themselves to correct such ignorance. It takes a special kind of a person to bring out the best in people. I fixed it in my mind that patience is the art of waiting, with faith, for the life we deserve through our good works, but action is the power that makes good works possible. Even the length of the wait, for the good things I have earned, seemed less because I was busy. No one could act for me. My plans could have remained no more than an idler’s dreams if I didn’t rise up and fight against the forces that would keep me small. To take action is always dangerous. My brothers really suffered while I was at the university. But to sit and wait for the good things of life to fall into my lap is the only calling where failures excel. I had no idea about tomorrow but I kept thinking of my brothers for a better tomorrow. Everything that lied between my cradle and my grave were constantly marked with uncertainty. I laughed at my doubts and moved on. I acted before I could be acted upon!

At the university I knew character was chief to success. This I had been told by one of my loving Aunt, a nemesis and a mentor. She reminded me that it is always fortunate to be of high birth, but it is no less so to be of such character that people do not care to know whether you are or are not. On my last day with her before going to Nairobi to enroll at the university, she gave me these maxims: That men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared, but only men of character are trusted. I realized how vital character meant to her and I took it upon myself to polish and shape my disposition to a level that would earn me more credit. She taught me good worth encouraging all my virtuous dispositions, telling me to exercise them whenever an opportunity arose, being assured that they gain strength by exercise, as a limb of the body does, and that exercise makes them habitual. This was an arduous task given the college lifestyle and peer influence. But the great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Her words were my guiding mantle and I swore not to let her down, but more so, my brothers. As John Wood, an accomplished philosopher once said: Talent is God given--Be Humble. Fame is man given -- Be frank. Conceit is self given -- Be Careful. I am so humbled at what I have been able to do with my life to this point, having started from scratch. Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. And now I speak of thanking God, I desire with all humility to acknowledge that I owe the mentioned accomplishments of my past life to His kind providence, which lead me to the means I used and gave them success. My belief of this induces me to hope, though I must not assume, that the same goodness will still be exercised toward me, in continuing that happiness, or enabling me to bear a fatal reverse, which I may experience as others have done: the complexion of my future fortune being known to Him only in whose power it is to bless to us even our afflictions. In the university, throughout my five-year stay I endeavored to: Watch my thoughts, because they become words. I watched my words, because they became actions. I watched my actions, because they became habits. I watched my habits, because they became character. I watched my character, because it has become my destiny. To many university students, life is supposed to be full of fun and enjoyable. Most viewed themselves as having achieved and therefore indulged in prestige and highhandedness. Mine was not colorful. I distinguished myself from the hordes. Except for being in the same lecture halls, we had nothing in common. My understanding of life pursuits was completely skewed. I had nothing to show and everything to fix. I had to do it somehow, fix it – always fixing it. Through thick and thin I struggled to turn things around. I did menial jobs available in campus just to earn a near-decent livelihood in campus. I lost face and many students looked down upon me. Moreover,

I had few friends in deed but it mattered less to me and that did not deter me from working hard in any way. At the university it was “pay as you eat”. I skipped several meals when I couldn’t afford it. Breakfast was a luxury and mostly I had one meal a day. Surprisingly, I was not so emaciated except for a little protruding jaw bones. My body somehow adapted to this and therefore the deprivation was less extreme. I was a good student, generally speaking. I maintained good decorum and I was never I disciplinary case until one fateful semester. It was to be my last semester of my studies. I was involved in “examination irregularities” and as a consequence I was suspended from the university for one academic year. This was a big blow in academic life as the set back was real. My life was on hold again. However, the one year came to pass and I was readmitted to finish my studies during the 2004/2005 academic year. I graduated with second class honors, upper division at a graduation ceremony in the year 2005. I had missed the first class honors. My aunt whose husband had sponsored my accountancy course continued to be very supportive throughout my university life but I had to do something in return for the hand-outs. She hired me again but this time as a part-time gardener. My Life as a Gardener "Watch your mouth." Control of speech is very important." Words are spoken thoughts, and thoughts are things we attract out of the Quantum Ocean.

----- Original Message ---From: To: Onyango T. Felix Otieno Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 9:50:21 AM Subject: Re: That an interesting clip Hi Felix, You know I am very sensitive and I am a dreamer. I have dreamt true dreams in the past. Even my coming to America I dreamt when I was still in high school. Do not loose direction. The country needs you, your community needs you and I have lots of reasons and fact to back my reasoning. Remember, when I told you that God must have planned for your fiance to go back to Kenya and I knew that she was going to get a would be husband immediately and if she has not told you , then know it fro me. Please Felix I love you and so pray day and night so that God could give you wife. It is God that gives. But remember, a snake's child will aways remain a snake and so if you do not want to regret, then listen to this advise.

Hey ………., Why? Why? Why? I don't seem to understand. Really you've scared me. Well, I have never thought of it that it would be possible for me to step in American soil one day but everyday in pursuit for happiness and affluence, all points to America. Although some people in America do cry fowl, a significant majority with right thinking minds still believe it is a land of opportunity and that is the school of thought I dream to be identified with. Well, about my girlfriend …………, its so hard to believe that. We've been together for 7 years now and I did not want to throw that to the dogs. I love her and I believe she loves me too. But if she chooses to walk away, I cannot stop her, because may be the waiting is too long. However, should that happen, my guilt conscience will never be clear and I will never forgive myself in one way or the other given the sacrifices she's made in the past to be with me. But all said and done, I still would want to know what exactly is your opinion and advice. Any way in life for me, the ultimate is my brothers. That is my late parents call that I am obliged to heed. Please do no hesitate to tell me what I need to do. Thanking you so much though scared and confused. Onyango, Mr. Tonny Felix Otieno Srinagarindra The Princess Mother School, Si sa ket 68 Moo 6 Tombon Phoe, Muang District

Si sa ket 33000

THAILAND.

Mobile +66814209465 www.swsk.ac.th

Some passages of Scripture have a razor-sharp focus, like a surgeon’s knife that cuts right the point of the problem. Last week’s reading from Romans 5 is one such example. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” You can analyze that from any angle you want, but in the end the inescapable truth of those words will burn through with laser-like precision. Other passages, however, take a broader view of our human condition. While no less truthful or effective at bringing about the spiritual healing we need, these passages function less like a surgical scalpel and more like a full-body scan, intending to give us a wider picture of what is going on in us and around us. ***********************************

What is Quantum Physics? Our 21st century scientists have finally caught up with what are called the Ancient Wisdom Mysteries. Quantum Physics now tells us what the ancients knew about god, god's mind, creation, co-creation and in general how our universe works. They have out it in a modern day language for all to understand. No more mysteries, hidden meanings, occult secrets, etc. It is all out there for those who have eyes to see. Before I tell you about the Laws of Quantum Physics, and how you can use them, I will answer the question ... Why now? Why now in the 21st century are the secrets of the universe being given out to the average man and woman? Age of Aquarius We must first look at the Ancient Science of Astrology for the answer. But, we must take a wider look, a Galactic look. There is a Creator God, a Big "G", A Prime Mover, A Grand Architect of the Universe. Someone started it ALL! Whatever his/her ultimate idea of plan for the universe is, it is far beyond our present ability to understand. We do know that the Universe is under law. All is under law! Since we don't know everything that is going on, let us look at what we do know. We have just entered the Age of Aquarius which will last for 2000 years. What is the Age of Aquarius? It is a physical space in our Milky Way Galaxy. Basic Astrology tells us that our Solar System has a zodiacal grid. This is a circular grid divided into arcs of thirty degrees each. Like a round pie that has been cut up into twelve pieces. The twelve thirty degree pie wedge shapes are what is know as the Astrological houses of the zodiac. We have the first house on the eastern horizon, followed by the second house, etc all the way through the twelfth house. We have given names to these houses. The first house is Aries; second house is Taurus; third is Gemini; fourth is Cancer; fifth is Leo; sixth is Virgo; seventh is Libra; eighth is Scorpio; ninth is Sagittarius; tenth is Capricorn; eleventh is Aquarius and finally the twelfth is Pisces. These twelve names are known as the twelve astrological signs. Each one of these signs has a ruling planet. Our individual Solar and Natal astrological charts are based upon the movements of these planets around our sun, as they pass through the twelve houses. An instantaneous photo is taken of the heavens the instant you are born. This is your particular mapping of your Astrological Chart or, as I like to call it, your astrological energy matrix. All astrology readings are based on the relationship between your personal astrological energy matrix and the constant movements of the energy matrices of the planets around the sun. The only real thing that is happening in the Universe is Energy in Relationships. The Laws of Quantum Physics tells us about the energy relationships between our individual energy matrix (our minds, emotions, bodies and souls) and the infinite energy matrix of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God.)

Galactic Sun Our Milky Way Galaxy has a central sun with thirty degree arcs extending outward exactly like those of our solar system. And the Galactic thirty degree arcs are also named Aries, Taurus, etc. The major difference is one of time and scale. Our planet Earth moves around our sun in one year, spending one month in each sign. Our entire solar system moves around the Galactic sun in approximately 24,000 years. It spends 200 years in each sign. We have just recently moved out of the Galactic sign of Pisces into the Galactic sign of Aquarius. We will stay in Aquarius for the next 2,000 years. What Does This Mean? We as a people and as a solar system have never been in this part of the galaxy before. We are in an entirely new S.T.E.M. (space-time-energy-matter) configuration. Since two apples on a desk cannot occupy the same space, they both possess different S.T.E.M.'S. But they are so close that we cannot tell or measure the differences. But in a thirty degree Galactic arc which takes 2,000 years to transcend the differences are very significant. S (space) - We as a solar system are in an entirely different physical space in this Galaxy. We have never been here before. T (time) - We have no idea how our man-made concept of time will be affected. But there will be a difference. For myself, I can feel that time as we know it is speeding up. E (energy) - Einstein tells us that E = MC squared. We have no idea at this point in time (less than 50 years into Age of Aquarius) if this will hold true for the future. M (matter) This is the substance that our physical reality is made of. It is the stuff we use to create our thoughts. We have used up all the MATTER (mother substance) allowed for the past 2,000 years. We have built the forms and functions of the Age of Pisces with it. This means the forms and ideas of the past 2,000 years supply of Mater is gone. The religions, institutions, organizations, etc will now fall for they have no power left. They received their power from the S.T.E.M. of the position in the Galaxy called Pisces. We are now in a S.T.EM. position in the Galaxy called Aquarius. It will take 2-3 hundred years for all the old intuitions to fall but they will fall. And it will take 2-3 hundred years for us to create the new forms, forces and functions of Age of Aquarius. We live in interesting times. All is under law. Do not be concerned about the falling of the old (the dinosaurs fell). But get out from under them so when they do fall they don't take you with them. Look to the future. Look to the Age of Aquarius and help build it. Good News! We now have 2,000 years of New Mater substance to create our new forms, forces and functions and new worlds with. The Age of Pisces was ruled by the powerful words: "I Believe!" We needed middle men for the past 2,000 years to tell us about God and we called them priests, rabbis and mullahs. We needed middle men to tell us about our health and we called them doctors. We needed middle men to tell us what to think and we called them teachers. And everything that the priests,

rabbis, mullahs, doctors and teachers told us "we believed." It was the age of believing what others told us. Now, in the Age of Aquarius, in this new and exciting part of the Galaxy, we are ruled by the powerful words: "I Know!" We will no longer need to ask a priest, rabbi or mullah who or what God is. We will know. We will no longer need to ask a doctor to tell us how to heal ourselves. We will know! We will no longer need to ask a teacher what to think. We will know. We have 1,950 more years to create new stuff and unlimited energy and matter to do it with. And this new space in our Galaxy with it's new S.T.E.M. has given us our first two tools to use, two tools to use to know who and what God is; how to heal ourselves; and how to think for ourselves in order to think and create a new and better reality. Mind of God Down through the ages man has sought the advice, the wisdom, the protection and the rewards of GOD. Great religions have sprung up and then died out, all with one embracing desire: To Know God and His Works. We have had masses, rituals, sacrifices, etc all geared to get God's favor. God has been called by many names: God the Creator; Primal Being; Grand Architect of the Universe; Prime Mover; First Cause; Odin, Zeus, Jesus, Allah, etc. The secrets in God's mind as to the creation of the universe, and who we are, where we are going and where we came from were hidden from us. They were hidden in the Mind of God, the Akashic Records; the Secret Brotherhoods; The Hidden and Sacred Books; the Runes; the Tarot; the Jewish Alphabet; the Stars; etc, etc, etc. Choose the one you like or make up your own. (Deuteronomy 29:29) Quantum Physics finally pins it down. It tells us that all the energy in the universe, all the information about creation in God's mind exists in an infinite ocean of energy called the Quantum Ocean. Everything is there. It exists there in a timeless/space less ocean of manifested substance. There is no past, present nor future there, only the Now. There is no physical space there only the potential for being. And in all rights it should be called The Mind of God! Why? Because it is an infinite ocean of thinking stuff. It responds to thought. Millions of people down through the ages knew that God responded to their thoughts (prayers). The Quantum Ocean responds to our thoughts as if they were prayers. God's Story The story is that once upon a time God wanted to know what all was inside of his mind. He knew that everything that could possibly be was inside. But it was in one great mass. He wanted to see everything in a series of events in time. He needed to create a playing field. So he created the universe and all that it contains so it could work itself out. He took everything, every thought and image in his mind and placed them in an infinite ocean of energy called the

Quantum Ocean. He then sat back and watched, Oh! He did one thing more before he started the show. He gave the infinite energy in the Quantum Ocean the power to think and respond to thought. With a smile he sighed and said, "Let creation begin!"

Quantum Ocean The Quantum Ocean is an infinite ocean of intelligent thinking substance. Within this thinking substance there are archetypes or blueprints or patterns of everything that makes up our physical reality. There are Divine Blueprints placed there by the thoughts of the Creator and man-made blueprints placed there by man’s thoughts and emotions. The Divine Blueprints have no errors in them. They are perfect. Man-made blueprints have many errors. This is because man has free will and can think whatever he wishes. He seldom stops to think of the consequences of his thoughts. He very rarely says to himself "Just because I can do this ... should I?" The Divine Blueprints are what we can call The Natural Order Way of Things. The natural way of things will lead us to higher states of consciousness, to health, wealth and happiness. The man-made blueprints with their erroneous thoughts lead to bestiality, sickness, poverty, fear, depression and lower consciousness. Not all of man’s man-made blueprints are erroneous or harmful. But as a great teacher once said, "by their fruits ye shall know them." Look at the fruits of war, poverty, disease, fear, depression running rampant on the planet today. You can trace all of them back to the thoughts of the people who created them, consciously or unconsciously. But, let us look at the Divine Blueprints. They will put us back on their road to the Natural Order of Things. There is a Divine Blueprint in the Quantum Ocean for perfect health. It is a blueprint, pattern, overlay of the energy vibrations that will produce perfect health in any human who brings them into their world. Each of us is a soul, who came on a special journey out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God). We came for a specific purpose to do a specific job. When a soul leaves the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) it 'blinks' out and into the physical world. A new incarnation! When the soul finishes (or does not finish) its mission, its life purpose, it 'blinks' back into the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God). It makes its report and prepares itself for its next 'blink' out (reincarnation). The soul has already chosen its family, its environment, its attributes, its problems that it will encounter on its journey through life. It has free will to pick and choose what thoughts it will think, what emotions it will experience and what actions it will take. Here is where the problem arises. If the soul were born into a conscious family who had lived according to the Natural Order of Things, the soul could make good choices in its life according to Divine Blueprints. But, if the family were mostly unconscious and made most of their choices according to the erroneous man-made blueprints, the soul will most likely make the same choices. The lack

of good spiritual teachers teaching the Natural Order is part of the problem we face today. Another problem is the power of attraction put out by the media, the schools, the religions, the doctors that push the man-made blueprints. Young souls (you and I as well) need time to get their bearings. They need to be shown the set of Divine Blueprints and what they will produce. And also the set of man-made blueprints and what they will produce. Given both, they can make better choices. But, are they now being given out in equal measure? The new laws of Quantum Physics and an understanding of the workings of the Quantum Ocean will give them that choice. Thoughts Are Things Keep the thought that there is a Divine Blueprint for perfect health in the Quantum Ocean. Bring this energy of perfect health out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) into your energy configuration (aura). This new perfect health set of energies will overlay and override your present set of health energies, which have blockages in them. Eventually this new set of perfect health energies will become your personal set of health energies. And, you will experience perfect health. How? What Are We? One of the major causes for many of the problems we face .... is an erroneous premise. If we start with 2+2 = 5, then all else that follows will be false. That erroneous premise is: We are physical bodies encasing a soul! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! We are souls who have built several bodies around ourselves. When we 'blinked' out of the infinite thinking, Quantum Ocean .... we did it as a soul, not a physical body. We are in reality non-physical. We are spiritual beings made of the same spiritual material that exists in the Quantum Ocean. We gather to ourselves all the materials we need to build our bodies. Our physical body houses our five senses. We need these to experience the physical world of space and time. The major error is in believing that we are physical and the answer to all our problems is a physical one. Wrong! We are spirits encased in a physical body, and all the answers to our questions lie in the spiritual world. In this example the spiritual world is the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God). Since the Quantum Ocean is an infinite ocean of thinking substance we can connect ourselves and communicate with it --- by thinking. It is our thoughts that, by the Law of Attraction, pull the building blocks that make up our reality out of the Quantum Ocean. Our individual physical reality is our health, our wealth, our relationships, our level of consciousness, our home, our job, etc, etc, etc. If the pieces of our physical reality are not to our liking --- well it is so because of the choices we have made, the thoughts we have thought, the emotions we have emoted, and the actions we have taken. Obviously we took them from the man-made set of erroneous blueprints of life.

But the good news is: We can start now to switch our thoughts, emotions and actions to the Divine Blueprints of Life. If we are unhealthy it is because we have been sending unhealthy thoughts into the Quantum Ocean and received such back. Stop! Start sending thoughts of perfect health into the Quantum Ocean and make contact with the Divine Blueprint of Perfect Health that exists there. Once you change your thinking from one of ill health to one of perfect health, the Divine Blueprint of Perfect health will flow into your aura, driving out all the blocked energies that cause ill health. The Frenchman Coeur' said, "Everyday in every way I am getting better and better." By changing your thoughts from ill health to perfect health everyday in every way you will be getting healthier and healthier. Remember you are not a physical body with a soul. You are a soul which has built a physical body. You are not solid, you are spiritual. You are energy. Perfect health is a free flow of Divine Energies flowing throughout your body. Ill health is a blockage of these energies. These blockages were caused by erroneous thoughts. The Divine Blueprint of Perfect Health needs to be inside of you. How? I AM Statements There are two magic words which open the doors of the Quantum Ocean for you. Whenever you think or speak or write using these two magic words you attract those actual energies out of the Quantum Ocean into your aura. I Am Healthy -- attracts health energies out of the Quantum Ocean and into my aura. I Am Wealthy -- attracts wealth energies out of the Quantum Ocean and into my aura. I Am Happy - attracts happiness energies out of the Quantum Ocean and into my aura. Your aura is your panty hose shield that separates and protects you from every other energy and vibration on the physical plane. IT IS A MAGNET! What ever energies or vibrations or thoughts you allow into your aura will attract the same energies and vibrations to you from the Quantum Ocean. Law of Attraction --- like-to-like. Secondly whatever energies you allow into your aura will flow into every organ and cell in your body. How do you attract better energies and vibrations into your life? BETTER THOUGHTS! What you think fills your aura. What you think attracts the building blocks of your life out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God). What you think creates your health, wealth, love, etc. If you constantly think of ills, ill health, disease then you fill your aura with these thoughts. If you fill your aura with these thoughts of ill health then you will attract energies of ill health (from man-made blueprints) out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) and into your aura. Your aura will fill with energies of illness which will fill your organs and cells with energies of illness. And the process will repeat like a perpetual motion machine.

Good News Again! Repetition is heaven's first law. When you start to think of perfect health you fill your aura will thoughts of perfect health. You attract out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) energies from the Divine Blueprint for Perfect Health. These energies of Divine Perfect Health in your aura will flow into all your organs and cells. Behold! You will become perfectly healthy. How do you start these marvelous changed thoughts? "I Am" Thoughts. When you think about what you want in life always start your thoughts with the "I Am _____________" statement. When you speak and write about what you want in life start your thoughts with "I Am _____________" statement. Do not, never (Yes I said never) attach the words "I Am ____" to anything you do not want. Such as I Am sick. I Am poor, etc. There are many ways of attracting energies that you want out of the Quantum Ocean. Here is a great magical key affirmation to attract health, wealth and love now: Several times a day sit in your favorite chair, relax and mentally say to yourself: "I am manifesting my Divine Blueprint for my perfect health out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) now." Visualize this Divine Blueprint of Perfect health flowing out of the Quantum Ocean and filling your aura. Then say: "I am now breathing this perfect health energy that is in my aura into every cell of my body." Feel the healing energies renewing, regenerating, rejuvenating and revitalizing every cell. Do this breathing exercise several times a day. Think that perfect health is here now. This is how you use the Quantum Ocean to attract health, wealth, now into your life now. You can also use this exercise and the Quantum Ocean to heal different parts of your body. There is a divine blueprint for a healthy heart; healthy teeth; healthy eyes; etc existing in the Quantum Ocean. Pick out the want you want to use and breathe it into your aura. "I am now manifesting the divine blueprint for my perfect teeth and gums out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) and into my aura." See and feel this flow of energy. Then: "I am now inhaling the divine perfect teeth and gum energies in my aura into the cells of my teeth and gums." Feel the cells of your teeth and gums being regenerated and renewed. Choose a different divine blueprint out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) for whatever you want out of life. They are all there waiting for you to come and take them. You can do it for your fearful emotions by saying: "I am fearless and I am breathing courageous energies out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) and into my aura." Your depressed emotions: "I am happy and I am breathing happiness energy out of the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) and into my aura." Poverty? "I am wealthy and I am attracting the energies of wealth out of the Quantum Ocean and into my aura." We have just started to learn about the gifts of the 21st Century. Use the Quantum Ocean (Mind of God) to attract anything you want out of life. Use it to create something new, something that has never before been on the planet.

************************************ As an orphan, life is not a bed of roses if you approach it grudgingly and recklessly. I passed through many hands in my struggle for liberation and I came to the realization that the world we live in has only two inhabitants: the good and the bad; the merciful and the merciless; the selfless and the selfish; the kind and the unkind; the rich and the poor and the list goes on and on. Pity the rich man, riding the high tide of what seems an endless chain of great accomplishments. When calamity strikes he is ill-prepared and comes to utter ruin. Always be prepared for the worst. Pity the poor man buried in the low tide of failure after failure, sadness after sadness. Eventually he ceases trying, just as the tide is changing and success is reaching out to embrace him. Never stop trying. Always have faith that conditions will change. Though your heart be heavy and your body bruised and your wallet empty and there is no one to comfort you – hold on. Just as you know the sun will rise, so also must you believe that your periods of misfortune must end. It was always so. It will always be. These are the things that blight or bless the profusion of human delight and ultimately lead to hoarding or munificence. And if your work and your patience and your plans have brought you good fortune, seek out those whose tides are low and lift them up. Prepare for your future. The day may come when what you have done for another will also be done to you. One of my favorite movies is The Fisher King. In this movie, Jeff Bridges looks at a homeless person with disgust. Robin Williams challenges him by saying that this homeless person can be Bridges most profound teacher. That he was placed on his path to teach him and all of humanity compassion. Remember that nothing is constant but treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good-health have vanished. And plan to lose even that love, after a time, knowing that one day you will be reunited for all eternity in a place where there are no cycles, no ups and downs, no pain or sorrow, and above all, no failures. You are wiser than most, once you realize that adversity is not the permanent condition of man. And yet, as an orphan, this wisdom alone is not sufficient. Hardship and failure can devastate you while you wait patiently for your destiny to change. Deal with them in only one way: Accept them both with open arms! Since this injunction goes against all logic and reason, it is the most difficult to comprehend or master. Let the tears you shed over your hardships cleanse your eyes that you might see the truth. Realize that he who wrestles with you always strengthens your nerves and sharpens your skills. Your opponent is always, in the end, your best helper. Hard times are the rain in your life, cold, comfortless, and unfriendly. Yet from that season are born the lily, the rose, the date, the pomegranate. Who can tell what great things you will bring forth after you have been perched by the heat of tribulations and drenched by the rains of affliction? Even the dessert blooms after a storm. An intelligent orphan sees the hardship as the greatest teacher. You will learn little from your victories, but when you are hard-pressed, beleaguered, and overwhelmed you will acquire great knowledge for only then will you become acquainted with your true self since you are free at last, from those who flatter you, those who abuse you, and those who disparage you. And who are your friends? When hard times engulfs you is the best time to count them. I use to remind myself in the darkest moments that every failure is only a step towards success, every detection of what is false directs you to what is true, every trial exhausts some tempting form of blunder, and every adversity will only hide, for a time, your path to peace and fulfillment hence munificence.

In my upstream journey, there were numerous obstacles and I met some very mean people along the way who in one way or the other greatly mired my impetus. I judged them as very mean and egocentric characters. However, the mind in its place and in itself can make a haven of hell or a hell of heaven. Why do I still think of the love that my own foolishness and temerity caused me to lose, long ago? Will that memory help my digestion this morning? Why do I still grieve over my failures? Will tears improve my skills while I labor for my family, today? Why do I commit to memory the face of he who harmed me? Will the thought of sweet revenge enable me sleep better tonight? Parents dead, friends lost, jobs failed, words that wounded, grudges undeserved, money lost, sorrows unhealed, goals failed, ambitions destroyed, loyalties betrayed – why have I allowed such cobwebs of infamy to gather in the attic of my mind until there is scarcely room for a happy thought about this day? I have since swept out the tragic strands to the past that have accumulated with the years. I realized that there festering entrails can choke me, in time, if I’m not diligent. The ability to forget is a virtue, not a vice. And yet, to know that yesterday with all its mistakes and cares, its pain and tears, has passed forever and cannot harm me, is not enough. I also recognized that so must I believe that I can do nothing about tomorrow, with its possible heartaches and blunders, until the sun rises again. All I have that I could fashion as I wished is the hour at hand. I also learnt a big lesson never to let worry about tomorrow cast a shadow over today. What madness is it to be expecting evil before it comes. I have since never wanted to waste a moment thought on that which may never happen. It’s important to be consciously on your path to success, and equally important to prepare your mind, spirit and body for the success you seek. I started to concentrate and concern myself only with the present because he who worries about calamities suffers them twice over. I leant to forget what is past and trusting God to concern Himself with the future because I believe He is far capable than me. Certainly He has brought me this far. From the works of Buddha, he said “…what we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind…..” Buddha (563 BC – 483 BC) It’s not enough to be an anonymous member of society, who lets others decide your fate. To allow life to “pull you along” creates conflicts, resentments and lost opportunities

Here are four of my success strategies. Make them part of your "quest for success". 1) Just as you did when you learned to ride a bicycle here is only one way to accomplish anything today -- set your mind to focus on doing it and let nothing get in the way with your progress. Obstacles, whether they be training wheels on a bike or lack of resources (money, time, lack of skill, etc.) are quickly overcome by the person that sets out to accomplish their heart's desire. Those who have the desire, "the fire in the belly" so to speak will out distance and out perform those who do not. 2) No matter what anyone says, "Size does matter." When you first learned to ride a bike, you were a child. As you grew to adulthood, of course you were faced with greater and more challenging situations. On your road to success, remember this quote from my Success System book, "The Power Of Concentration ' How To Take Control Of Your Life"... "The "bigger" you are, the smaller the obstacle appears. If you think of yourself as "small" the greater the obstacle will appear to you".

Always look at the advantage you gain by overcoming obstacles, and it will give you the needed "size" and courage for the conquest ' now and in the future. 3) Do not expect that you will always have a smooth road, free of potholes, speed bumps and detours. Parts of your journey are likely to be rough. The way you navigate the bad roads shows exactly what you are made of. Always persist and continue ahead with your journey and view the smooth roads that are in front of you. 4) Do not be stopped by obstacles or setbacks. Just like when you skinned your knees and elbows learning to ride, think of it as a mere incident that has to be overcome before you can reach your goal. Learn from it and use the lesson to move ahead. Success IS like riding a bicycle. Learn my strategies of success outlined above, and you will ALWAYS be up to the challenge, regardless of the size. About the Author Keith A. Shaw is the founder and President of http://www.MindBodySpiritCentral.com . Keith is an authority on motivation, self improvement, success, health and wellness. Keith is the author and creator of three Motivation and Success Systems that have helped women and men to achieve more in life than they ever dreamed possible.

The only constant in the whole Universe is ‘change.’ We as a Solar System, have rotated through the Milky Way Galaxy to a new place in space. Our Solar System rotates around our Galactic Sun, the same way as our Earth rotates around our Sun. We have called this new place in Space around our Glalactic Sun “The Age of Aquarius.” We will be moving through this space for 2000 years. There will be many changes. For the past 2000 years formal religions were to the front and Science took a back seat. The people will still have a strong need for religion, but it will be more individualized. The huge formal religions, in the next 100-200 years will disappear. Each man and woman on the planet will be given the chance to discover God in their own way. They will not have to BELIEVE any one any more. They will ‘KNOW’ who and what God is. The masters who have gone before, understood a great deal more about the workings of God and each of them abstracted out of the ‘ALL’ the best way to teach their followers. The Age of Aquarius has revealed to us the gift of the Laws of Quantum Physics. These Laws tell us that there is an infinite Ocean of intelligent, thinking energy called the Quantum Ocean. This

Quantum Ocean is the Mind of God made manifest. There is no past, present, nor future in the Quantum Ocean, only the NOW. There is no space in the Quantum Ocean, only the HERE. So in reality there is only the HERE-NOW. The Quantum Ocean responds to man’s thoughts and emotions. The great thinkers and mystics of the past used the power of their minds and emotions to penetrate deeper into the Quantum Ocean, Mind of God, than the average man was able to do. Higher levels of consciousness are synonymous with this deeper and more powerful thought. These higher Consciousness thinkers created our religions. And this was good for the ‘Age of Pisces.’ At this time man was not sufficiently advanced in consciousness to understand the workings of the ‘Mind of God.’ He needed someone who could somewhat penetrate the Mind of God, and bring forth a teaching. The average man needed something and someone to “BELIEVE IN.’ Not any more. As we spin through the section in space called ‘ The Age of Aquarius’ each of us will be given the tools to penetrate the Mind of God and create our own individualized religion. The Great ones, Jesus, Moses, Mohammad, Buddha, Odin, Confuscious, and Lao Tze will still be remembered and thought of, but as pioneers not Gods. The Laws of Quantum Physics will show us that they understood these laws, but expressed them differently to the different races of people in their environment. Let us look at the words of Lao Tsze. He was born in the year 604 B.C. in China. He was called ‘The Old Philosopher.’ The teachings of Lao Tze, though ancient, are still quite new and modern. In that they are still just as true today as they were then. His complete work ‘Tao - Teh Kng’ consists of only 5,000 Chinese characters. “Tao” is the absolute, the unmanifested one (Mind of God). “Teh” is the manifestation of Tao in the objective world (Quantum Ocean.) Fundamentally, there are four distinct senses in which it can be understood. We can relate these to the modern day Quantum Ocean, Mind of God.

1. Tao is the Supreme God, the Absolute and Unmanifested One. (Quantum Ocean, Mind of God.) 2. Tao is the All - Creative Logos, The Name, The Word, The FatherMother. (Quantum Ocean is an infinite Ocean of thinking energy that creates all.) 3. Tao is the Way of Heaven, The Law, The Dharma, The Divine Providence, The Inexhaustible Store. (Quantum Ocean, Mind of God is infinite and shows the way back to God.) 4. Tao is the Root and Final Possession, The Ultimate Goal of All, The Abode of Peace and Security, The End and Home of all Beings. We ‘Blink in’ and ‘Blink out’ of the physical plane with each new incarnation. With each new incarnation we are to raise our level of consciousness and become more God-like. When we reach this stage in our development there will be no more need to ‘Blink out.’ We will be home to stay in the Mind of God, The Quantum Ocean.

"Take care of your every day life, it is a jewel." What you do today affects your tomorrow and all the rest of your tomorrows. Rest all you can. To raise your level of consciousness, you need to build the resonant frequency circuits within yourself. To do this, you need Prana, Life-Force. Resting stores them up. "Refuse to tune in to the masses." The masses or the Race Psyche as I.F. called them, are not interested in higher teachings or spirituality. Look at the media and see where they are placing their attention. Don't resonate with them. A great teacher once said, "Come ye out from amongst them and let the dead bury the dead." "Patience is a form of training." Where are we rushing to? We have eternity, handed to us in small one at a time incarnations, to work things out. My Biostatistics

Tarot Card

(Equivalent of "6/05/1979") The Hermit: Withdrawal from events and relationship to introspect and gather strength. Seeking the inner voice or calling upon vision from within. A need of understanding and advice, or a wise man who will offer knowing guidance. Personal experience and thoughtful temperance.

Public Role

(Equivalents of "tonny" my middle name) Words that embody your presence are "Factory, Vanguard, Vision, Volume, Window". Words that embody the causes of your circumstances are "Cage".

Rune

(Equivalent of "otieno" my last name) Tyr is the symbol of the warrior. This rune most represents masculine force and potency, and frequently victory in battle. Beware though, for this rune represents directly the Norse god whose name it bears Tyr stands out in legend for having sacrificed his hand that he might bind Fenrir, a monstrous wolf that threatens to swallow the world. As such, this rune is known to portend a great victory that can be bought with a terrible sacrifice. Tyr is also the god of law, frequently placed in such position above Odin. In this aspect, protection of justice may be had by this rune.

Private Persona

(Equivalents of "ombazo" my nick name) Words that embody your presence are "Amulet, Bullet, Cathedral, Despair, Failure, Fashion, Lover, Lust, Money, Pilot, Reason, River, Rocket, School, Slut, Sweet, World". Words that embody the people or things that you interact with are "Dance, Hand, Job, Red". Words that embody people or things in your periphery are "Obsession, Porcupine, Spotlight, Stability, Torture, University".