About Schizophrenia, By Neil Carter

About Schizophrenia By Neil A. Carter

(Rendered into digital format by Frater Pyramidatus 9th May 2009.) © Neil A. Carter 2009

Four short pieces designed to shed light on this debilitating condition. 1. 2. 3. 4.

Schizophrenia Tired all the time The rollercoaster ride Stick around?

Schizophrenia I was angry at everyone, bitter and full of spite and hatred. I hurt people. I was horrible to everyone and most horrible to those nearest me. But for about ten years now, now that my medication regime is more finely tuned and sophisticated, my behaviour has settled down. I am calmer, less aggressive, less screwed up, less nasty to everyone. But I was horrible for so long that, now I yearn to be forgiven for being so nasty to everyone, for so long. And now, repetitive, obsessive behaviour. Turn the light off with left hand, no, right hand, no, left hand, which finger? Ring finger, no, index finger, no ring finger, no thumb. Don’t use that fork, use this one, no, that one. Don’t leave shoes there, put them there instead, turn the television to one before turning it off, always close all windows before leaving flat, even in summer. Hold on to things and repeat the word “careful”. Thoughts like, “may I lose an arm rather than the world going up in flames.” And, “if anyone in my family should suffer, let it be me.” Fear that my friend, my lover, who committed suicide some years ago, will appear to me in the night, to mock me and laugh at me, so much so that I need a night-light now, really.

Don’t put the cup down there, move it one inch to the right, no left, no, where it was, now forwards, backwards. Inability to get up in the morning for any length of time. Inability to keep tight schedules for any period of time. Feeling exhausted when I haven’t done anything. A real effort to get out of the bed or the armchair. Stiff and painful joints, back aches, head aches, sore finger joints. Feeling over sedated, head full of chemicals, a numbness in the front of my head, an unpleasant, nauseating numbness. Feeling over sedated, over medicated. Even though I know that I need this dosage to prevent me from losing it, losing control. Without the full dose, my behaviour would soon become increasingly erratic and strange, sometimes obnoxious and hateful. Sometimes I think that other people can read my mind. Other times I think that they are trying to attribute thoughts to me that are not mine. I think to myself, “that’s not what I am thinking, I didn’t think that, at all.” So confused. Keeping everyone at full arms’ length, and I never know what to say, how to behave, when people are upset in my company. Knowledge that, due to my illness, or not, I was very destructive years ago, and upset people that are so dear to me. Everything is so exhausting, even a short trip to the shops. They think I am lazy, but I am exhausted just going to the shop. We are not lazy. Apathy, loss of energy, it’s an accepted symptom. Knowing that I couldn’t hold down a job for more that a week or two. Not being able to keep a timetable for more that a week or two. Feeling that everyone would hate me at work and sense my vulnerability and see that I am mentally ill, and they would get me the sack, to improve their own situation, or just out of malice, or not wanting to work with someone who is mentally ill. The bosses used to intimidate me and bully me when other people were not around, because they sensed my vulnerability, because I am mentally ill. And there was so much stress in working. I got really jumpy, really anxious, nervous, really terrified, scared of my own shadow. Anxiety way beyond healthy levels. And when I got anxious the voices got louder and more insistent. But strangely, I can still think for myself, and I want to be, and believe I could be a great artist or writer. I would rather be great, either great, or an absolute nobody, but I never desired to be mediocre, all or nothing, never average, never mediocre. I only drink moderately, if I ever drink too much, I lurch from black depression to extreme elation. If I drink too much my tablets cease to be effective.

Sometimes I get really freaked out and paranoid and think that the world is coming to an end. I fear brutality and violence, and I despise aggressive people, and I fear that the world is coming to an end. But then I take my meds and feel more confident and upbeat about the future of our beautiful blue planet. Sometimes I am deluded, sometimes I feel like a famous celebrity, like a star, other times I feel frustrated and criticise myself for my lack of success or achievements. I lurch from feeling god-like, to feeling like a useless failure. And my anger, for other people, it’s like, a hot rage tearing through me, I tremble with this rage and I can’t cope with feeling angry with anyone, because it’s always that horrifying rage. So I always try to keep cool and control my temper. Other people get angry all the time I couldn’t cope with that, my rage it too awful. I always want to be cool and in control, and I always want to be in my comfort zone. I fear violence, I fear aggression, I can’t stand aggressive men. All that shouting, I shake, men like that shake me up big time. Equally, I love peaceful people. I carry a fear of death because, rationally, I cannot perceive of an afterlife. And oblivion the end of me, entirely, seems so sad and futile, and ultimately, terrifying. It seems horrific to me that we get seventy, eighty years to glimpse life, and then it’s over, forever. Due to my lack of belief in afterlife, since childhood, I have been terrified of death, this is why my moods can be so black and bleak. I think to myself, if only I was religious, if only I had faith. But to me only science seems rational. Do we only get one small glimpse of reality, only to be extinguished forever? Out there, at work, I wouldn’t stand a chance. I cannot risk my life falling apart again, I cannot risk another episode, after all, it might be the one that finishes me off. A little boy crying to his mum, “I don’t want to die.” Sometimes my illness seems to me like autism, but I couldn’t bear to live with the mentally HANDICAPPED because my I.Q. is too high, I would be suffocated, I would get bored, who would I talk to? By contrast, mixing with other mental illness sufferers is quite stimulating, and by talking with them I gain insight into my condition.

Tired all the time You know what it’s like when you are really tired, and your mind plays tricks on you. You start to ‘see things’ and ‘hear things’. Well that’s what it’s like for us ALL the time. Equally when you are really tired, you feel really hopeless and despairing. Well yes, that’s what we are like, all the time. And that’s where the tablets come in. They don’t solve EVERYTHING. But they make it more bearable, it’s all still there, but it’s more mild, more manageable. I know I couldn’t live without the medication, and I know that I may well need them for the rest of my life. Without the tablets all hell is let loose in my mind. Despair, paranoia and acute anxiety would rule my life, with an iron fist that would refuse to let go. Talk to other patients, you can’t get that amount of INSIGHT from anywhere else. But if you have no experience of mental illness you can never really understand the hell we go through. Schizophrenics SEE, HEAR, TASTE, the world differently. We feel emotions and pain differently to other people. Sometimes our emotions are flatter than other peoples’ emotions. Sometimes our emotions are a thunderstorm, wind and rain battering into us. Completely uncontrollable. But it’s the lack of positive emotions and the overwhelming presence of negative emotions that really hurts. Self-hate, low self esteem, and all the while the schizophrenic trying to hide this and trying to present a balanced and reasonable persona to the world. A mask, if you will, concealing a storm of negative emotions, and virulent fears.

The rollercoaster ride As well as probably experiencing emotions and emotional pain more vividly than other people, it is, I believe, equally probable that schizophrenics feel ordinary physical pain more intensely than those who are not unwell. Perhaps schizophrenics, with our jangling, frayed nervous system, experience pain more acutely than other people. Think of schizophrenics as super-sensitised, with the tablets there to try to compensate for such a ‘thin-skin’.

All the while we tend to retreat from others and drive others away from us. And we terrify our loved ones and try to drive them away, though it is their love and support that we need, now more than ever. Spontaneity becomes impossible, behind the mask, and unable to cope with the inconstant nature of this world in which all things pass, we cling to life, wishing everything would remain reassuringly unchanging. Yet schizophrenics can be so creative and talented. We can make you laugh till your tears come, and take your breath away with insight and unselfconscious honesty. We tend to say what everyone else is thinking, so incisive that we leave others reeling. A shocking respect for the truth. You want to love us for being so unlovable and remain close to us even though we continually put those walls up around our wounded minds and hearts. Your schizophrenic friend is both the best and worst person you’ll ever meet. And our personalities will both enrich and pollute your world in equal measure. We will be the love of your life and your best friend in the world if you have the patience to give a little more of your valuable time. Nobody has any time these days, but you will remember the time you spent with us for the rest of your days. A bit of a bad-ass, but he or she can be so gentle and tender. Flashes of understanding and unexpected warmth follow unprecedented destruction and hopeless despair. We will surprise you. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster ride for everyone around a sufferer of schizophrenia.

Stick around? If you have the heart to stick around and take the good with the bad, you will forgive things you thought you could never forgive, and identify an awkward and individualistic rebel who can’t help but shoulder all the bad things, that is what we do. And when he or she is gone you will always think of them and smile. Because he loved you and gave you such warmth, despite himself, and got under your skin like no other. Debilitating apathy is an accepted symptom. And if he does you harm you will want to put your arms around him and say, “all is forgiven”. For these are some of the very best days of your life. We are capable of love. I am always alone on the inside. At the beginning it was awful for everyone. It got better.