A Question Of Faith

1 A QUESTION OF FAITH A short story by Reno Ursal

Alyssa sat quietly in the kitchen, looking at prospective photos for her high school yearbook. She cracked a light smile browsing through the stack of photographs. The smiling faces of her classmates started to blur into one, making her bronze face become expressionless and sleepy. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and ran her hands through her flowing black hair, before eventually pushing the photos away. She glanced at the clock above the microwave. One-fourteen a.m. She covered her face with both hands, rubbing her eyes in circles, hoping to find a way to keep them closed long enough to find a sleepy rhythm. A few seconds later, she opened them to reveal little wormy silhouettes floating randomly in the air. She glanced at the clock. Again. One-fifteen a.m. A groggy, familiar voice interrupted her from behind, making her jump in surprise. “Can’t sleep again huh?” She turned her shoulder, placing her hand on her collarbone in relief. “Oh gosh dad, I thought you were asleep.”

2 “I guess I can’t sleep either,” Artie admitted, patting her on the shoulder. “What’s that you’re looking at?” “Just some pictures for yearbook.” “I thought we discussed you weren’t involved in yearbook anymore.” “Changed my mind,” Alyssa replied curtly, hoping her short reply was enough of a hint to change the subject. They got along most of the time, but when Artie started scrutinizing her activities that involved any sort of creativity, Alyssa felt her blood pressure rise. Luckily, he didn’t pursue it any further. He squinted his eyes as if he was thinking too hard on a problem he couldn’t solve. He grabbed a cup from the cupboard. “Have you noticed anything with Drew lately?” His question made Alyssa shift uncomfortably in her seat, a building tension forming a lump at the back of her throat. “Not really,” Alyssa nodded, “just the usual stuff.” She was hoping to look ambivalent. Nonchalant. As if things were completely normal. “Not anything? He seems okay huh?” “Yeah, he does. At least at school he seems fine.” Artie walked over to the refrigerator, poured milk and placed the cup in the microwave. After pressing one minute on the timer, the microwave hummed in the background. He turned again to his youngest daughter.

3 “You know, he’s really surprising me.” “Me too Dad,” Alyssa sighed, her voice constricting a bit. “And I’m trying, but it’s getting harder and harder. Do you know Monika’s still in the dark. She has no idea.” The hum of the microwave allowed Alyssa’s comment to settle into the pits of their stomachs. The microwave beeped. Artie opened the door and took out the cup of warm milk steaming at the top. “I know,” he breathed between sips, “but this is what he wants...for now.” “Until what Dad?” Alyssa asked, her voice suddenly quivering, her bottom lip slightly shaking. “Until it’s too late?” “Until the right time,” Artie replied calmly. “It’s just not fair...to anyone,” she replied softly, the trembling in her bottom lip subsiding, a blank stare returning to her face. “Alyssa, none of this is fair, but we just have to make the best of it.” Artie slurped a sip down his throat and breathed a sigh. Suddenly, Alyssa whelped in surprise as caramel colored hands shook her shoulder. She jumped as she looked in the hand’s direction. Her face went from surprise to annoyance. Her

4 brother’s pale face replied with a crooked smile and a devious laugh. “Hey guys,” Drew greeted casually. “Can’t sleep either?” Alyssa punched him in the shoulder with her fist. Andrew laughed again, amused at how easy it was to scare his sister. He limped his way to the refrigerator, pouring himself a glass of milk. Alyssa watched him take a gulp, annoyed the way a younger sister would be annoyed at a brother, but silently gushing with guilt for punching him in the shoulder. He was sick after all. Andrew pointed at his glass of milk. “I love this Vitamin D milk stuff, tastes great.” He took another gulp, wiping his mouth with his forearm. “Plus, I heard it’s good for people like me.” Artie and Alyssa smiled weakly, looking away timidly as Andrew took another gulp. He put the glass in the sink, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “What were you guys talking about anyway?” Artie put down his cup and sat down at the breakfast nook, looking as if he was trying to pick his words carefully. “Drew, you know me, Mahingawaon ko. I’m anxious.” “As always,” Andrew joked. “Dad, I’m just fine.” “Drew, I can’t help but worry.”

5 “I’m fine,” Drew repeated, “sure I’m more tired lately, but it’s probably a combination of the wedding, basketball, school, and Monika.” “Yeah...her,” Artie replied softly. “I’m not sure if you should –“ “Shouldn’t what? We have a great time, she’s Lysa’s best friend that we all know and love. What’s the problem?” Andrew’s defensive reaction raised the tension in the room. His lips had straightened and his eyebrows protruded downward towards the bridge of his nose. Artie instinctually kept a calm demeanor, his soft eyes complimenting his encouraging disposition. “Drew, you have to think of her, and your friends, Mark and Corey.” “I know I know!” Andrew answered, his voice cracking. “But Dad, you always said to live our lives to the fullest right? That’s what I’m doing.” Artie’s reply continued to be composed, but stern. “But not at the expense of other people’s feelings Drew. Monika doesn’t know what she’s getting into and when it comes down to it, will she be able to handle it?” “Drew, I’ll talk to her if it makes it easier,” Alyssa offered, her voice cracking with fatigue.

6 “No no no, I’ll do it,” Andrew insisted, shaking his head. “I should be the one to talk to her.” “Someone needs to,” Artie said, putting his hand lightly on Andrew’s shoulder. “Just do it before anyone gets hurt.” “Okay, dad,” Andrew answered curtly, trying to assure him he had things under control. “Soon okay?” “I know,” Andrew sighed. “I know.” “I trust you, Drew. Just do the right thing.” Artie gave Andrew a light hug and patted him playfully on the shoulder, somehow allowing the built-up tension to dissipate. “I’m going to turn in now, don’t stay up too late you two,” Artie yawned, craning his neck side to side and putting his hands at the base of his back. “Your old man needs his sleep.” “Good night dad,” Alyssa said, offering a faint smile. Artie left brother and sister alone in the kitchen, wishing to God he could protect them both from the pain they both felt inside, knowing control wasn’t in his hands, but in the hands of the unknown. The uncertain. Fate. And the only way to cope was to pretend everything was okay. But if he went back in the kitchen after going to sleep, he would see his son and daughter embraced in a hug, with brother doing everything he could to console a sister weak from

7 emotional and physical exhaustion. A brother who wished he could protect his little sister, but who also knew he had to give up control to the uncertain, hoping beyond hope that the ambiguous would crumble under the weight of strength, optimism, and love. Drew thought of Monika sleeping in the guestroom. Her lanky figure and awkward smile he’s known since he was eight years old. A girl he fell in love with without knowing it. A girl he wanted to love for the rest of his life. He felt guilty for not letting her in on the truth, a desperate attempt to keep things the way they were as long as he could. It helped Alyssa, he thought, and it protected her from the awkward glances she would get if everyone knew. He was her Kuya after all, her big brother. He would do anything to deflect harm away from his younger sister. In the depths of his soul, it was the only way to convince himself everything would be fine. He held his sister tightly as she cried on his shoulder, desperately trying to reassure her, but knowing deep down it was impossible to guarantee anything, at least for now. Alyssa, embarrassed at letting her emotion show, let go of their embrace, her eyes red and puffy. She sniffled lightly, giving Andrew a feeble glance, although she imagined it strong and reassuring. After a few minutes, they said goodnight and retired to their separate bedrooms. Andrew felt asleep instantly, an

8 overwhelming exhaustion sweeping over him as soon as his head hit the pillow. Alyssa plopped on her bed and tried to stop the spinning in her head, the dizziness that made her vulnerable to crying. She focused on a picture on her dresser, a picture of her and Monika at their Junior High graduation from Saint Joseph’s Basilica three short years ago. They were dressed in their blue cap and gowns. Monika’s blonde hair draped over her shoulder, her eyes as blue as the sky on a sunny day. In contrast, Alyssa’s light Asian skin glowing against the mid-afternoon sun, her face playful and innocent, her black hair elegantly styled to one side. As usual, Monika towered over Alyssa, although emotionally, it was the other way around most of the time. The smiles on their faces told a story of a different time, a more innocent time, a time that seemed like a distant memory. Now they were both seventeen year old high school juniors forced to carry a weight of uncertainty much heavier than they ever imagined. She looked at the photograph a moment longer before rolling to her side. She sighed knowing they were all victims of time. She closed her eyes, hoping that the promise of tomorrow would give her more hope than she had that night. She prayed to God that her brother and best friend would find a way, knowing they needed all the support she could give them, but very much

9 afraid she wouldn’t have enough strength to save them from heartache. Pain. Would God help her understand why this was happening? She couldn’t tell for sure, but she prayed every night hoping He was truly there. Inequivocally, she put faith in an unseen God, pleading with Him, negotiating with Him to save all of them from eternal damnation. All she asked for was a sign, a telltale sign to prove he was listening, a luminous message from above that everything would be okay. If there was a sudden lightning storm or perhaps, a lamp crashing into the wall or a roll of thunder in the middle of a stormless night, she would know God was listening. But as was the case every night, an ominous silence told her there would be no poltergeist sighting tonight. She would have to wait at least one more night for a glorious miracle. She closed her eyes, but her fears lingered like a bird’s stray feather fluttering aimlessly in the sky, its final destination unknown. She was raised in a Filipino household to place unwavering faith in a Catholic God she couldn’t see nor touch, but sometimes she wondered if there really was a God in all his religious interpretations. If there was, could he hear her? Would he show himself now in the time of need? “Please Lord,” she whispered as she slowly drifted into her dreams. “Please answer my prayer. Please save my brother, and

10 let the truth save my best friend. If you need to take me instead, I ask you to do it. I love them both so much, so please, please. Please let love prevail.” She took a few breaths and closed her eyes, quickly envisioning her brother and Monika holding hands in a field with the beautiful sun shining down on them. Her mouth curled up into a smile, hoping her vision was a premonition of the truth. Was this the sign she was looking for? “Thank you Lord for all of your blessings yesterday, today and tomorrow. I thank you for listening to my prayer. I’m not sure what will happen next, but I’ll try to keep the faith. Just take care of my brother. And my best friend.” The last thing she remembered was making the sign of the cross and ending her prayer the way she ended all her prayers since she was five years old. “Thank you again Lord. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”