530 Events

530_events

2007/2008

Matthew Lee Knowles

1. Take off all of your clothes, put them back on again. 2. Phone a pizza delivery service, ask they if they deliver to the moon. 3. Dial a random number and ask to speak to anyone. 4. Make up an email address, contact them. 5. Play one note on any musical instrument. 6. Have a drink in a pub by yourself, you must exit in a way which draws attention to you. 7. Sit next to a washing machine and listen to the whole cycle. 8. Turn on a tap. Watch it. Turn it off. 9. Go to the top of any stairs. Let a ball go. Watch it. 10. Make a journey that lasts between five and ten minutes. 11. Go into a shop and ask a till worker to change any note into equal coinage. 12. Teach a dog to speak a language you do not know. 13. In the morning, draw a simple shape on the back of your hand and leave it there fore the whole day. 14. Read the first and last page of any book. 15. Wear odd shoes for a whole day. 16. Write something on a blank t-shirt. 17. Make a phone call that lasts for five minutes. 18. Do any activity using the hand you use least.

19. Give a stranger (not a homeless person) a small amount of money. 20. Give something to a charity shop. 21. Take a handful of coins and arrange them into similar piles. 22. Get very drunk. 23. Masturbate. 24. Have a lie in. 25. Eat something which you would normally worry about eating. 26. Phone in sick to school or work. 27. Watch television for exactly one hour. 28. Watch a previously unseen film and stop it about twenty minutes from the end. Watch the end one week later. 29. Open and close your eyes. 30. Move a part of your body as slowly as possible. 31. Make a journey. 32. Write out the alphabet thirty-seven times. 33. Walk around the outside of something. 34. Write down something you hate about you, place it in an envelope and post it to yourself. 35. Imagine there is someone at your door. Open it. 36. Think about the number seven. Say it aloud six times.

37. Spend some time looking at the lines on the inside of your hand. 38. Make a pointless journey. 39. Turn on a light as slowly as possible. 40. Type the alphabet as fast as possible on a computer keyboard. 41. Silently depress the letter n on a computer keyboard and hold it for twenty seconds. 42. Read a magazine, spend a long time reading the first page, less on the second, less on the third and keep doing this until you get to the end of the magazine. 43. Hold a hair from your head over a naked flame and let it burn. 44. Drop a large knife onto the strings of a guitar. 45. Say out loud as many colours as you can think of as quickly as possible. 46. Imagine the letter a. 47. Explore the number seven for as long as you wish. 48. Cover as much of you face as you can manage with post-it notes. 49. Give one person a packaged condom, with an elastic band wrapped around it. 50. Wrap yourself and at least one other friend in cling film. 51. Place yourself in an uncomfortable situation/environment. 52. Drop a set of keys onto wood or metal. 53. Listen to a conversation on public transport, write down anything of interest.

54. Imagine what it would feel like if you sexually molested a two year old girl. 55. Variation: Imagine you are the two year old girl. 56. Denounce something. 57. Consider the universe. 58. Go to an art gallery, do not go inside, go back home, do not go inside. 59. Walk through a solid wall. 60. Wait for anything. 61. Let 2500v of electricity pass through your naked body. 62. Keep your mouth open for three minutes or more. 63. Tell someone you love them, when you really don’t. 64. Go into a shop and buy something then leave, returning within the next hour to buy the same thing again. 65. Cut up your soul, cover it in flammable liquid, set it alight. 66. Understand a shadow. 67. Contemplate a haircut. 68. Do something that makes fifty-one percent of the people you know happy. 69. Shake hands with another person. 70. Stand on the side of a road, if a car stops to let you cross, kindly refuse and continue standing. 71. Suffocate on a plastic bag.

72. Play the lottery/bingo - if you win you should keep quiet and not tell anyone. 73. Say what you really think. 74. Be yourself. 75. Climb a ladder. 76. Fly like a bird. 77. Make love to a car/van/bus. 78. Walk backwards. 79. Jump so high in the air that you burst through the ozone layer and dance with the stars. 80. Cut yourself, on your wrist/inner arm. 81. Drop a bouncy ball in a large open space and follow it. Repeat as many times as you wish. 82. Pick up an object and place it in one hand. Close both hands. Guess which hand the object is in. 83. Wriggle your toes. 84. Walk 1000 steps and rest. 85. Destroy a £5 note. 86. Deprive yourself of sleep. 87. Look at the floor. 88. Grow your fingernails for one year or more. 89. Fall asleep on public transport.

90. Cry. 91. Drink a river. 92. Emasculate a dictionary. 93. Solve a simultaneous equation. 94. Wear a suit. 95. Run away from something. 96. Watch a group of people. 97. Listen. 98. Place a packet of crumpets on a toaster. 99. Disconnect a kettle from electricity, flick the boil switch and wait for the water to boil. 100.

Go behind something.

101.

See your future.

102.

Act upon an impulse.

103.

Slowly pick all the petals off a flower.

104.

Explore your sexuality.

105.

Place something around your neck.

106.

Fix something not actually broken.

107.

Think long and hard about becoming a ghost.

108.

Express yourself in nine different ways.

109.

Draw a line that best reflects your personality.

110.

Go swimming and listen to the water.

111.

Fight.

112.

Consider: 5x0=0

113.

Say out loud all the letters of the numbers nought to ten, at the rate of one number per second.

114.

Improvise a rhythm on a bus window.

115.

Be fabulous.

116.

Make sure they all laugh at you.

117.

Take a piece of paper, cut out a large section of the middle, place over yours or someone’s head.

118.

Try to experience a day in the life of an OCD sufferer.

119.

Walk across a rainbow.

120.

Open up a jar of something, eat it, clean the jar and fill it with your own excrement.

121.

Take the lid off a pen, put it back on again.

122.

Stand motionless in a phone box.

123.

Scream into a pillow.

124.

Take your anger out on one or many bananas.

125.

Break a wine/champagne glass/flute.

126.

Relax.

127.

Make an anagram of your name.

128.

Devise a code.

129.

Separate the vowels from the consonants.

130.

Stop photosynthesis.

131.

Think about osmosis.

132.

Touch the meniscus.

133.

Choose a word for every letter of the alphabet, find a word that rhymes with each word. Now find a word that connects the two rhyming words. Take the first letter of each of the seventy-eight words and arrange into a sentence.

134.

Place a chair on a table and place a piece of paper on the chair. Walk around the table, place another piece of paper on the chair, walk twice around the table, take one of the pages, screw it up, walk three times around the table.

135.

Eat the whole of an apple.

136.

Read the first word of every page of a book/magazine.

137.

Watch an ice cube melt.

138.

Open something, close it and repeat.

139.

Blink once a second for sixty seconds.

140.

Put your hands in your shoes and walk.

141.

Turn something.

142.

Get on a bike, without your hands touching the actual bike.

143.

Pierce your skin.

144.

Drink ten litres of vodka in one go.

145.

Touch the material you are reading this sentence from.

146.

Comb your own hair, first slowly then speeding up.

147.

Open or close a window.

148.

Find a no smoking sign and pretend to smoke next to it.

149.

Graphically represent music or art.

150.

Use a walking stick, rely and depend totally upon it.

151.

Observe what is in front of you, mentally capture it and twist your head as far round as you can. Close your eyes and remember the captured image.

152.

Place your hand over a surface where you can see the resultant shadow. Hold your hand four centimetres away and very slowly bring it down.

153.

Throw a ball as hard as you can at an invisible surface.

154.

Multiply a number by a shape.

155.

Choose any word, say it out loud, making it last for one minute.

156.

Construct a hexachordal rotational transposition array and explore the possibilities.

157.

Make a stack of coins, as high as you can until it falls over.

158.

Totally immerse yourself in water.

159.

Stop breathing for a period of seven to ten days.

160.

Climb inside the vagina of a living mouse.

161.

Use a chainsaw to trim your toe/finger nails.

162.

Extract one of your lungs and a year later, do the same with the other.

163.

Feel your own face with your own hands.

164.

Drop a book/magazine from a height, it must hit the floor.

165.

Dismantle a toy.

166.

Touch your own eyeball with a finger.

167.

Have a conversation with another person. Each new sentence must begin with the next consecutive letter of the alphabet.

168.

Wrap yourself in bubble wrap.

169.

Crush a plastic bag, let it go, watch it unfold.

170.

Be.

171.

Be not.

172.

Listen.

173.

Do.

174.

Make a line, follow it.

175.

Release yourself.

176.

Construct a cup of tea.

177.

Ring a bell until you are told to stop.

178.

Test the reflex of a friend by gently tapping their knee.

179.

Cover one side of a small piece of white paper with enough small/thin lines to eradicate the whiteness. Display so that both sides are clearly visible, a reminder of peace and unity.

180.

Consider the eventuality of consideration.

181.

Freedom.

182.

Tense your entire body as much as possible for seven seconds.

183.

Identify with the anxiousness of a revolutionary theory.

184.

Contradict a predominant characteristic.

185.

Reclaim an environment.

186.

Reform a society, without speaking.

187.

Construct and deconstruct a situation.

188.

Reform a prostitute.

189.

Take a map of one location and apply it to a different location.

190.

Eat 1000 raffle tickets.

191.

Consume both sides of a pancake.

192.

Expect the unexpected.

193.

Wander.

194.

Analyse a fruit or vegetable and publish the results.

195.

Keep a minute-record of every action in a twenty-four hour period. Write something new for each of the 1440 minutes - you should not sleep.

196.

Observe ambience for any duration of time.

197.

Superimpose a popular belief onto an urban legend.

198.

Seduce a simplicity.

199.

Create a radiant, vibrant harmony.

200.

Using chalk, or coloured tape, create a small enclosure around your person: you may never exit this pen.

201.

Stand out in the rain, holding an unopened umbrella.

202.

Make something reminiscent of a set of Russian dolls.

203.

Find the relationship between the following four sets of numbers: 40/73+131/186+262/339+1079/1898

204.

Write the word ‘cunt’ in the middle of a piece of paper, surround it with reasons why some find it offensive.

205.

Consider the definition of the word ‘context.’

206.

Write out the fibonacci sequence.

207.

Look at a photograph taken from a tall building, overlooking a city.

208.

Combine sand from the Sahara desert with sand from any beached holiday resort area in England.

209.

Go as far as you can go, then go further.

210.

Explode as many party poppers as you can at the same time.

211.

Stand naked in front of a full length mirror and spend some time looking at yourself.

212.

Telephone a friend, preferably a relatively new friend, to tell them the time.

213.

Send a large amount of money to a hippopotamus (If you do not know of one, send it to yourself.)

214.

Take a sheet of material with the word FLUXUS printed on it; drip a large amount of candle wax on to it.

215.

Take four or five medium sized biscuits in your hand and eat as if they were an apple.

216.

Stand on a bridge at midnight.

217.

Give a person a blank sheet and ask them to explain.

218.

Read the entirety of a newspaper.

219.

Turn off a light switch with your nose.

220.

Show a massive amount of sympathy to someone.

221.

Photocopy a complete set of piano pieces (Chopin etudes, Beethoven sonatas) and carefully cut out every single bar.

222.

Create a profile on an internet networking site. The name should be “Event222/530”

223.

Run as fast as you can, for as long as you can, until your breathing is highly erratic.

224.

Choose four edible items and eat a quarter of each.

225.

Put your feet up on a chair, whilst sitting on another chair.

226.

Stand on the border of two countries, a leg in each.

227.

Start a rumour.

228.

Place your glasses on top of your head; convince yourself they are lost and try to find them.

229.

Look around you, find a small cross and focus on it.

230.

Think of a word that rhymes with sticker, use it in a sentence about your friends.

231.

Look for someone with very long hair; watch what they do.

232.

Ask anyone to name any phobia: you must exercise that phobia for a whole day, or intensely for one hour. If the hour, then the phobia must be intentionally fuelled.

233.

Think about how many grains of sand there are in the world.

234.

Think about how many blades of grass there are in this world.

235.

Consider yourself in a parallel universe.

236.

Make a cup of tea (milk, one sugar) lift the teabag up by the corner, until the bottom section is about two centimetres from the meniscus of the tea. When it has finished dripping, drop it back in.

237.

Make a sound, if you are happy with that sound - make another. Keep going until you make a sound you are unhappy with.

238.

Try something for two minutes, if you find it boring try it for four minutes, then eight minutes.

239.

Scream.

240.

Subtract your age from 103.

241.

Try to do nothing.

242.

Flip through the pages of a book twice; first very quickly, then very slowly.

243.

Take the vowels and consonants out of your name, then pronounce it out loud.

244.

Using a mobile phone send the following text to at least one person: “By receiving and reading this text you have performed event #244. Thank you.”

245.

Tell a lie so great, you stop time.

246.

Write in 100 words, exactly how you wish to die.

247.

Page four: 2006. Page ten: 1950. Page fifteen: 1665. Page eighteen: 1925. Find out which book contains these dates on these pages.

248.

Be hypnotised.

249.

Imagine all the worse things, creeping in and standing icily around your bed.

250.

Hold a pen in your hand all day.

251.

Smell like an orange.

252.

Enter a restaurant, either alone or with a companion; order nothing. Say very little.

253.

Brighten someone’s day.

254.

Say it with flowers.

255.

Variation: say it with words.

256.

Address your irrational fears and be cured of them.

257.

Make up a five digit number and say it once a day to a friend, for a week. Do not explain.

258.

Acquire a copy of ‘Red on Maroon’ by Mark Rothko and a copy of ‘Rothko Chapel’ by Morton Feldman. Place a burning candle in front of the print and listen to the music, at nine pm, with the lights off.

259.

Climb up a ladder to deliver a very short speech.

260.

Find yourself, lose yourself, find yourself, lose yourself.

261.

When on the phone to a business (the bank, phone company, electricity/gas etc) play some hardcore porn in the background.

262.

Take a £1 coin, look at the date and add the numbers together, then triple the product. This may be the age you die.

263.

Fill a large plastic bottle with water, make tiny holes around the bottom third of the bottle. Suspend it at eye level and watch it empty.

264.

Variation: Walk around with the bottle.

265.

See how many sounds you can make with your mouth.

266.

Visit an S ‘n’ M club and get involved, as much as you possibly can.

267.

Focus on an object, without blinking, until your vision blurs.

268.

In one sitting, listen to pieces of music written in 1600, 1650, 1700 through to 1950 and 2000.

269.

Write out the alphabet at a rate of one letter per five seconds.

270.

Teach yourself Braille.

271.

Have no senses at all for about five minutes.

272.

Find a bald headed person, touch their head.

273.

Kick a stranger hard, then apologise profusely and give them a relatively generous sum of money.

274.

Find a man with a beard, stroke it.

275.

Write the number ‘one’ once; ‘two’ four times; ‘three’ nine times; ‘four’ sixteen times. Continue this pattern for as long as you wish.

276.

Do not wash for three days.

277.

Wear as many differently coloured items of clothing as you can.

278.

Plan to go from A to B, use as many buses as you can to achieve your destination.

279.

If you see a person wearing glasses, tell them you like their glasses. If there are no glasses in the equation, tell the person they would look good with glasses.

280.

Invent a suitable twenty-seventh letter to extend the alphabet.

281.

Find a ‘No Entry’ sign and cover up the first four letters and move away.

282.

Attend the funeral of someone you never knew and either laugh or cry uncontrollably.

283.

Pour a tin of paint into the hole of a guitar.

284.

Immerse a keyboard instrument in water and freeze. Use a hammer to break away at the ice. Use a bigger hammer to destroy the instrument.

285.

Invent your own word and use it convincingly.

286.

Page turn for a pianist, turn the pages too early or not at all. Do not tell the pianist what you plan to do.

287.

Variation: Tell the pianist in advance what you plan to do.

288.

Set fire to a pile of unstruck matches.

289.

Sit down, lift yourself up by pushing your arms down.

290.

Place your hand on a hot radiator, if it starts to hurt, do not move it, count down slowly from ten to zero, then remove.

291.

Allow yourself total clothing rights for the day.

292.

Watch a stand up comedian, do not copy their jokes and pass them off as your own.

293.

Eat something, which is not chewy, but give the impression it is extremely chewy.

294.

Go into a gay pub and timidly ask a barman, “is this a gay pub?”

295.

Use the word ‘incongruous’ as many times as possible in one day.

296.

Variation: Use the word ‘crumpet.’

297.

Give human characteristics to your kettle. How do you feel when it boils?

298.

Stop a chugger on the street, make them sign up to your list.

299.

Have an adventure.

300.

Wink at someone.

301.

Write down ‘Shakespeare’ in as many ways you can think of.

302.

Play a musical instrument completely under water.

303.

Name a pianist for each letter of the alphabet.

304.

Randomly select a month, then date. When the date arrives, stay in bed all day.

305.

Visit a zoo alone.

306.

Go ice-skating in full Victorian dress.

307.

Place about twenty small dots on a page and draw lines between as few or as many as you like.

308.

Tell a joke in extremely bad taste, amongst people you know will not appreciate it.

309.

Tell a joke, without laughing.

310.

Variation: Laugh uncontrollably throughout telling, so that anyone listening will not hear the joke.

311.

Be strict in what you do, restrict what you hate, constrict the blood flow of a loved one.

312.

Find two people talking to each other, go and stand near them, unannounced.

313.

Write an event, unlike any of these 530 events.

314.

Construct something from metal and wood.

315.

Variation: Construct nothing from metal and wood.

316.

Take a sheet of card and slowly move it across a burning candle, without letting the paper get too hot or burn. Declare the paper ‘total art.’

317.

Assemble a piece of furniture, preferably an IKEA flat pack.

318.

Draw any shape, then add any two shapes near it. Turn your page ninety degrees. If it looks like a car do it again, if not, stop.

319.

Hold a baby, rock it gently in your arms; if it cries, soothe and calm it to sleep.

320.

Fill your mouth with saliva, open your mouth and let it dribble out down your chin.

321.

Apply makeup to your face, whilst on a rough train or bus ride: there must be people there to witness you.

322.

Rearrange something that does not require rearranging.

323.

Open a CD case and wear it as a hat.

324.

Variation: Use a book.

325.

Choose a random ingredient of a recipe and double it. Make the product and eat it with friends.

326.

Three envelopes are numbered one to three. Each should contain a small piece of poetry. Offer three friends to choose one each.

327.

Place a finger slightly in your anus.

328.

Adopt the hairstyle of your favourite cartoon character.

329.

Paint your nails with replicas of the Mona Lisa.

330.

Drag a metal object across metal railings.

331.

Rub legs subtly with a stranger on the bus.

332.

When Catholics cross your path, cross theirs.

333.

Keep essential items under your hat.

334.

Place a thin white object near a yellow line, next to a large red item.

335.

For a period of time, eat like a bird.

336.

Pass yourself off as a brain surgeon to two people.

337.

Protest silently, do not make it known.

338.

Rename the months of the year to suit your personality.

339.

Listen to the conversations of a group of gay men.

340.

Taste the tears of a loved one.

341.

Make a crisp sandwich without eating any of the crisps, or licking your finger, before the sandwich is finished.

342.

Enter into a competition; if you win you win, if you lose you lose.

343.

Give yourself a paper cut, sixty seconds later do it again in exactly the same place.

344.

Sing the highest note you can think of then think about the lowest note - but do not sing it.

345.

With some friends, form a line, keep checking your watches, stamping your feet and making impatient vocal sounds.

346.

A person walks down a street and claps. They observe birds singing, people moving and items being sold. They ask a question and patiently listen to the answer. They enter a pub or café and order a glass of water, without drinking it. They leave and find a green area where they sit, stand or kneel they look to the sky at least once during this.

347.

Press any key.

348.

Walk quickly around a group of people in the entrance to a theatre or concert hall.

349.

Judge the protein level of a post-biscuit biscuit and if you see fit, eat it.

350.

Choose a nationality, different from your own and behave characteristically.

351.

Eradicate the world of money, bringing back communication and social interaction.

352.

Think outside the box.

353.

Variation: Need there be a box in the first place.

354.

Become aware of your own heartbeat.

355.

Cough loudly in public.

356.

Rub the end of a black ink pen against a fingernail.

357.

Play the ‘Withnail and I’ drinking game.

358.

Go to a club, drink, dance and go home.

359.

Serve popcorn for free, do not speak, rely on your body language.

360.

Observe a swan gliding down a small river.

361.

Keep count of the number of persons who get on and off a bus or tram carriage.

362.

Stand under a snow covered tree and shake a branch.

363.

Superglue a banknote to the ground, move away - do not stay to watch anyone attempt to pick it up.

364.

Touch the persons hair, in front of you, without them realising.

365.

Find a brick wall and walk along it expertly.

366.

Be young, get old.

367.

Relive a day, re-enacting a previous day as closely as possible.

368.

If you see a sign that has fallen over, pick it up.

369.

Cut yourself on the rings of Saturn.

370.

Talk as a pirate might, for as long as you wish.

371.

Dress as a sailor might, for a few hours.

372.

Take three to ten different coloured pens, hold them in the hand you are less used to writing with and spell your full name on a piece of A3 paper. Place this in a public place.

373.

Fill a large, strong plastic bag with cans of lager, bottles of whiskey and vodka - and clippings of human hair.

374.

Place two chairs together, balance an empty glass bottle between them, stand behind with a hand on both. Tell a short story about a group of five men; A, B, C, D and E. Each word should be like a nail being pounded into a coffin of someone not yet dead.

375.

Go into a garden and say the following: “My fruit bowl is full of flowers, fruit is banned from my fruit bowl, only flowers are allowed in my fruit bowl.”

376.

The colour of blood. The colour of money. The colour of heat. The colour of envy. The colour of the sky.

377.

Tell a joke about a duck. Now tell a joke about a goat and then a horse. Now tell ten jokes about a duckO

378.

Choose two words. Begin chanting one word and slowly, gradually turn the first word into the second.

379.

Rub two bricks together, for three to five minutes a day, everyday, for six months. Have a six month break, then repeat. You may use the same bricks or choose new ones.

380.

Work out 100 different positions you can create with one hand. Write them down and perform them all in order, quickly.

381.

Observe a bottle travelling from side to side on a bus, ship or boat.

382.

Go into a supermarket and only buy items that have been reduced in price.

383.

Look through a transparent window, acting as if it were translucent.

384.

Variation: Look through an opaque window as if it were really transparent.

385.

Visit/stand in five countries in one day.

386.

Variation: Stand in one country for five days.

387.

Move your head continuously.

388.

Bite the last apple with your blood stained fingers.

389.

In a taxi.

390.

Place a packet of salt in the middle of a seat. Lift it up, tear a section off, quickly. Replace it.

391.

Have a racist haircut.

392.

Comment loudly that you have terrible body odour.

393.

Talk to someone, go red, feel yourself turning red, go even redder, feel yourself turning crimson, turn a thick, congealed blood colour, feel this happening, walk away.

394.

Work in retail.

395.

Variation: Work in fashion.

396.

Don’t eat, if you get hungry, don’t eat, if you feel hungry, don’t eat, if you feel hungry, don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat.

397.

Watch a performance of contemporary dance, with dancing, lighting and original music. Afterwards, in the bar, make some very intelligent comments about how they did not go well together.

398.

You stand in a wasteland, surrounded entirely by nothing. You wait, in a black hole. Time. Time. Time. In a wasteland, you stand, nothing surrounding you. A black hole. Time time time. The wasteland surrounds (you are nothing) entirely. The whole black. Timetimetimetimetime.

399.

Hide the prices they don’t want you to see.

400.

Witness boyz.

401.

Witness the polarity of a very camp man and a ragingly heterosexual man in close proximity.

402.

Walk around a town or city, find the letter ‘a’ on a poster or sign and touch it with a finger. Find the remaining letters of the alphabet in a similar fashion. Between each letter there must be at least five minutes of walking.

403.

Variation: repeat with the numbers one to twenty-six.

404.

Watch Samuel Beckett’s ‘Waiting for Godot’, whilst following the script.

405.

Memorise the bible.

406.

Variation: Burn a bible or any other highly religious book in a public place.

407.

Run faster than a car trying to outrun a bullet from a gun.

408.

Shave off half of your hair from one place (head, genital area, chest etc.)

409.

Place a speck of tippex on a two pence coin and leave it in a public place - repeat as you wish.

410.

Demolish a small ice cube with a baseball bat.

411.

Variation: Demolish a small ice cube with a baseball cap.

412.

Comment out loud on the state of your being.

413.

Variation: Comment out loud on the state of your nothingness.

414.

Build a small wall out of bricks and cement, leaving one brick out so there is a hole.

415.

Swim with dolphins.

416.

Variation: Do not swim with dolphins.

417.

Make a name out of the following letters: OHENMJCRIRK.

418.

Solve: 2+2=

419.

In a public place, with not too many people, draw the frame of a game of noughts and crosses on a piece of paper and show it to someone, offering them a pen without saying anything. If they so wish, play a game.

420.

Take a small plastic cup - slowly squeeze the top together, it is your choice whether you break the cup or not.

421.

At the beginning of ‘Waiting for Godot’, convince yourself that Godot will actually turn up. Do not look in the character list in the programme.

422.

Have a new bathroom or kitchen fitted in your house, keep it clean and tidy.

423.

Place a car on your eyeball, lift it up. Place a car on top of that car. Take away the first car and let the second car drop onto your eyeball.

424.

Listen to the sound of a door being opened, listen to the sound of a dog barking.

425.

Do something which you know will change your outlook on life.

426.

Find a person reading a newspaper, draw your attention to the main article header you can see and imagine a correlation between this title and the reader.

427.

Wander lonely, as an eyeball in a glass of cloudy lemonade.

428.

Observe two people sat within close proximity. Imagine a bridge linking their knees together.

429.

Count the number of people around you at any given point.

430.

Write half a text and disregard.

431.

Open your palm wide, imagine a handful of broken glass - slowly close your hand in the dark with your eyes shut.

432.

Detach your legs, give them to someone who might use them better.

433.

Open your mouth as wide as you can, remove all your teeth with a pair of pliers, collecting all the blood. Remove your gums, tongue and lips. Burn your genitals and pour the blood through the fingers of one hand, reciting the lyrics of any song by the Spice Girls.

434.

If other people are waiting behind you, to get off the train - do not press the button to open the door. If confronted, exclaim you are blind.

435.

Variation: Exclaim you are blind and deaf.

436.

With four crotchets, four quavers and thirteen demisemiquavers, make a rhythm.

437.

Variation: You may include any numbers of rests of any duration at any point.

438.

Make a list of ten essay titles. You should not write the essays.

439.

In a garden in December, January or February, pour a cup of hot coffee into a plastic bag.

440.

At 16:19 on the twenty-ninth of March, eat a bag of crisps.

441.

Have a friend drive you to Wales, for inspiration.

442.

Write yourself an imaginary biography, be as flamboyant or self-deprecating as you like.

443.

Reduce a newspaper or magazine into strips of varying sizes.

444.

Put your fingers into an orange or apple - as you would do with a bowling ball.

445.

Collect your inner thoughts onto a piece of paper. Cover it with thick black paint. Look at it as often as you can.

446.

Pass a tube of toothpaste over a burning candle. Repeat.

447.

Change the sun’s light bulb.

448.

Create fire by rubbing a stick into a piece of wood; rotating it quickly in-between your hands.

449.

Sit with a friend on a pebble beach, watch the waves turn into the coastline, pummelling the cliffs. Listen to the birds arguing and the water conversing with the sky. Taste the salty spray in the air. Empty your mind of something, look towards nothingness.

450.

Make up a meal suitable for a horse, include a clove of garlic.

451.

Discuss the subject of ‘adults with child like mentalities’ among a group of equal numbers of men and women.

452.

Brush you teeth with an electric toothbrush. After about ten seconds let go of the brush and freeze for at least sixty seconds.

453.

Place a hand on a wall, close your eyes, feel around for impurities. Take time to feel as much as possible and imagine what it might look like.

454.

Lay on a bed in a room, leave the door ajar. Listen to a person making a phone call in another room, trying to fill in their silences with your own comments.

455.

Using a lamp with an on/off switch in the wire on the floor, trick a friend into thinking you have paranormal abilities.

456.

Hold your right thumb as far in your left armpit as possible and stretch out your little finger as much as you can.

457.

Be naked in a bed, look at your body and be astounded by the dazzling beauty you see before you.

458.

Variation: Be completely abhorred by what you see.

459.

Collect several creams, lotions and powders, (at least ten varieties) and freely drop from a small height onto a strip of cling film, for about five to six minutes. After this, wrap up the product using more cling film and shape into an oblong. Keep this as long as you wish, you can freeze it if you so wish.

460.

Cover the surface of a chair with eggs and sit on them.

461.

Set off a fire alarm by either holding burning materials underneath or pressing the test button. Enjoy the sound.

462.

Two persons in a room. Person A tells person B some very bad news, person B laughs uncontrollably. Person A repeats the news. Person B calls person A a liar. Person A sits down and repeats the news, directed into the air. Person B laughs violently, sadistically and uncontrollably and pronounces Person A to be lying. Person A sobs in despair. Both persons stop suddenly, shake hands and discuss how they think that scene went.

463.

Contact a famous poet.

464.

Fill a bowl with cotton wool.

465.

Wear too many socks on your feet.

466.

Variation: Wear more socks on one foot than the other.

467.

Get on a train and get off at the next stop to wait for the next train going in the same direction. Continue your journey like this until you reach the final destination. Write about what you see, not what you feel.

468.

Slash a piece of fruit.

469.

Fire yourself from a cannon.

470.

After receiving a ‘free quotation’, offer the person speaking to you a small tip.

471.

Order and consume a chocolate martini. If you liked it, repeat until you do not like it anymore.

472.

Throw a ball into a pond and retrieve it.

473.

Spell the word ‘Mississippi’.

474.

Walk for five steps with your hands in your pockets, then an immediate five steps with your right hand out, down by your side, then a further five steps with your left hand out down by your side. For the following five steps return your right hand to your pocket and then after another five steps return your left hand to its starting position. After those twenty-five steps walk freely without counting, then, when you are ready, repeat with six, seven steps etc until you reach your destination.

475.

Observe a man eating a sandwich, a football match, a delivery, a green building, wires, an octagonal building, three rectangular brown buildings.

476.

Create two objects, blue and green. Place them against a brown backdrop.

477.

Make contact with an alien species.

478.

Spend time looking at clouds, imagine what they might taste like.

479.

Make a very deep hole in the ground, throw some jam in then urinate down it.

480.

A person holds their mouth in terror. Whenever they remove their hands, an unbelievable cacophony of horror escapes.

481.

A person with white hair carries shopping home.

482.

Imagine yourself to be two swans, resting on a lake.

483.

Play a game of golf without balls or clubs.

484.

Touch your tongue on your top lip, leaving it there as long as you wish.

485.

Travel on a train, in a dark tunnel.

486.

Plant a number of small trees.

487.

Observe two planes passing diagonally in the sky, creating an x shape with their vapour trails.

488.

Walk across a field, pass over a style and walk through another field.

489.

A child’s bike, a playground, a bloody mutilated body under the train.

490.

Sketch a tree that has fallen into a river.

491.

If you think it is beautiful; let it be.

492.

Carry a lump of stone up a hill.

493.

Buy and wear unattractive underwear.

494.

Listen out for birds singing, when they are finished, go out and congratulate them and take them out for dinner.

495.

Build something insignificant and destroy it in an artistic manner.

496.

Vacuum a floor without plugging in the vacuum cleaner.

497.

Draw an arrow on a page.

498.

Bring together your whole family to sing a song.

499.

A business woman hurries past biting her nails, two schoolboys follow her (kicking a ball), a fire-fighter goes the other way (hastily), an opera singer strides past, a lawyer cries and darts in and out with blood stained hands.

500.

Become the scaffolding of someone’s life.

501.

Hang a towel on a hook.

502.

Squeeze a bar of soap in your hand until it turns into a diamond.

503.

Eat a pint of water, drink spaghetti bolognaise.

504.

When you see a bus, separate out the numbers on the front and count up to them in your head (214; 2,1,4; [1,2] [1] [1,2,3,4])

505.

Three months.

506.

Walk into a card shop and buy the least funniest card you can find.

507.

Pluck hairs from your body, collect and burn them.

508.

Make a condom out of razor blades.

509.

In a room, bring everything together into the centre and arrange it in an aesthetically pleasing way.

510.

Do A between 09:30 and 09:31. Do B between 09:32 and 09:35. Do C between 09:35 and 09:37. Do A1 between 09:37 and 9:39. Do C1 between 09:39 and 9:41. Do B1 between 09:41 and 9:44. Do A1 B1 between 09:44 and 9:45. Do A between 09:45 and 09:50. Do B between 09:50 and 09:55. Do C between 09:55 and 09:5930. Do ABC between 09:5930 and 10:00.

511.

Do not cry for a whole year.

512.

Fake a heart attack in front of a CCTV camera, if someone comes to help, immediately act fine, as if nothing has happened.

513.

Put your fist in your mouth and keep it there until the tide goes out.

514.

Train to be a teacher, get a teaching job in a school, be taunted and bullied by the pupils, do not get paid handsomely, be stressed and worried, feel like you are getting nowhere, be physically abused by staff and children alike, commit suicide by shooting yourself in the head.

515.

Join the army, become an insignificant, become a faulty bullet proof vest, become brainwashed into thinking that you're providing a wanted and important service, cry and shake at night feeling guilt for the millions dead through your war, be fooled by governmental glorification, ruin lives, be shot dead, be sent home in a box, receive a posthumous bravery award made out of water and rice paper, be forgotten as quickly as the previous day.

516.

Become a school bully, hate all minorities - especially homosexuals, do not let them move around in peace, hurt them mentally and physically creating a vat of pain which will stay with them for their whole lives. Die a long, excruciatingly painful death.

517.

Be cautious, but not overly.

518.

Listen to the wind and write down what you learn.

519.

Find the connection between football, basketball and netball.

520.

Is there a need for war?

521.

In the dust and muck of a white van write, “Don’t clean me!”

522.

Set an alarm on your mobile phone to go off when you are underground, answer it like a normal call.

523.

If you make someone laugh, they don’t have to pay.

524.

Count the number of bricks visible in a building, do not guess.

525.

Keep breathing: in, out, in, out, in.

526.

Go to a wedding, drink more alcohol than anyone else.

527.

Seat yourself in a position to observe passing buses or cars. Make eye contact with passengers.

528.

Choose a number between one and eighty-eight. Every time you hear this number you must squawk loudly.

529.

Make any one sound in ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds.

530.

Experience a b-flat in three ways.