5 Ways

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Table of Contents Introduction.............................................................3 Why It’s Hard...........................................................4 5 Mistakes Single Woman Women Make..............5 1. Perception..............................................................5 2. Fear........................................................................ 6 3. Worth..................................................................... 7 4. Baggage.................................................................8 5. Isolation............................................................... 10

3 Important Questions..........................................12 1. What Is Your Biggest Obstacle?........................12 2. What Will It Be Like to Get What You Want?.... 14 3. How Committed Are You?.................................. 16

3 Choices That Will Make a Difference...............18 1. Choose to Be Open............................................. 18 2. Choose Positive Attitudes.................................. 20 3. Choose New Things............................................ 22

5 Ways A Woman Can Find Love After 40..........23 1. Get Equipped....................................................... 24 2. Get a Guide.......................................................... 25 3. Get the Right Outfit............................................. 27 4. Get Busy...............................................................31 5. Get Hopeful.......................................................... 33 Summary........................................................................... 35 Challenge.......................................................................... 36

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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An Important Introduction You purchased this e-Book for one important reason. You want to meet your future husband or find love. And you’re not sure where to find him. I want to help. My name is Mary Rose Maguire. I spent years as a single woman, looking for a good man to marry. When I met my husband, I was almost thirty-nine and increasingly convinced I would never meet anyone. I had my share of duds. In fact, I jokingly referred to myself as “The One Date Queen.” (I even blurted this out to my husband on our first date – much to my embarrassment!) I wasn’t sure if I was doing something wrong. All I knew was that I wanted to find a lasting relationship with someone incredible. And I found him. You can, too. It isn’t easy, but when is finding a treasure easy? When we dig for treasure, we have maps, we have tools – but digging requires effort. This e-Book is going to challenge you. There will be times when you will want to quit and resign yourself to a life alone. I know you don’t want to do that. How? Because you bought this book. You’re tired of the “same old routine.” You are looking for ways to increase your opportunities to meet more eligible men. And you’re going to find that information here. All it takes is for you to make the choice and take a risk. Are you with me? Fantastic! Let’s go! Your Dating Revolutionist! Mary Rose Maguire

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Why It’s Hard We have all heard the numbers: According to the 2000 U.S. Census, there are 28 million single women over the age of thirty-five but only 18 million single men. It doesn’t take a statistic to tell us that dating over the age of thirty-five changes dramatically. I can remember looking around my church and realizing almost all of the singles were under thirty years old! I was thirty-five at the time and felt discouraged. I then had a revelation. I realized my status would change only if I made the choice to change. When you’re in your twenties, social invitations abound. There are night clubs to visit, parties to attend, and small informal dinners to enjoy with other single friends. Then, gradually the landscape begins to change. Your friends find love, get married, and start families. Meanwhile, if you are single and over the age of thirty-five, it’s easy to feel as out of place as a fake Gucci bag in the middle of a designer salon. If you are divorced or emerging from a long-term relationship and over forty, you may feel as if you’re in a foreign country. What you thought you knew about dating may now be…. outdated. During one of my workshops, a woman asked, “What is a date? I’m not sure I even know what a date means!” The women who have attended my workshops have voiced a common concern – they’re not even sure where to meet men. “Where are they?” These are busy women who are trying to use what little time they have to meet men. It’s a tall order. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a store where we could just pick up a great guy and then insert him into our lives?! Yes, I’ll have the muscular, brown-eyed Joe with the blue suit…and a bottle of Chablis on the side. Alas, there is no such store but there are opportunities all around you. You just have to open your eyes, open your mind and be willing to try something new. I will emphasize two things throughout this book. One is making the commitment to change. If you want success, you have to take time to map out your journey and then start walking. It requires discipline and perseverance. The second is trying new things. New approaches. New attitudes. You’re not

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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going to get very far if you try to do the same thing but on a different day. Sometimes, trying something new will be drastic. Sometimes it will be a small thing. But new is key to your search for your wonderful man.

Five Mistakes Single Women Make Women can be their own worst enemy. Our society measures a woman’s worth by her beauty. It is easy for a woman to become discouraged, convinced that no one will find her desirable. Personally, I do not care for most women’s magazines because I’m convinced all they do is tear down a woman and make her feel insecure. This strikes at the heart of her confidence and can be devastating when she is ready to find a mate. Men notice confident women. They are alluring and attractive. And as a single woman, you want that confidence. However, you first need to define five common mistakes a woman makes during her search for a husband. Then we’re going to work our way toward confidence, I promise.

#1 Mistake: Perception The issue of perception is two-fold. First, how do you perceive yourself and secondly, how do you perceive single men? Both are important. We’ll focus on how you perceive single men. I had a single girlfriend who had a narrow requirement when it came to meeting men. If she saw a man at a club or social event and noticed he was wearing sneakers or cowboy boots – she immediately dismissed him. That was it! There was no chance for a guy to get to know her. He literally shot himself in the foot by wearing the wrong shoes! I laugh every time I remember this story because we all have particular preferences. How many times have your requirements prevented you from meeting a wonderful man? Here’s the thing: you don’t like it when someone dismisses you because you may have a little extra weight or your hair isn’t blond enough. You complain that a man needs to get to know you to appreciate you, but yet how quickly do you judge a man by his cover? Feeling a little sheepish? It’s okay. I did it, too.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Getting to know my husband provides a perfect example. I had the perception that the man I would marry would be this big, burly type of guy who loved football and hanging out with “the boys.” I envisioned myself preparing delicious snacks for the men before I left to do something much more interesting – like visit a bookstore! My husband is not big and burly nor does he like football. But, my husband adores me. He treats me with respect and consideration. He is thoughtful and kind, the traits I really wanted in a man. When I met my husband for our first date, I noticed he was tall, lean and wore jeans. He has a laid-back, easy-going style. But I was open to meeting him just as I would have been open to meeting a short, balding accountant or an average height construction worker. I believe one of the advantages of age is discarding some of our narrow requirements as we learn to appreciate the unique beauty in every person – including men. Some of the greatest guys out there are short and balding. Don’t dismiss them just because you envisioned yourself with a tall guy with fabulous hair. Be open to every introduction that comes your way. Get to know the man before deciding he’s not for you.

#2 Mistake: Fear Ah, fear. It can prevent us from living a full-blown, luscious life! “But what if…?” “If I do that, then….” “My mother would hate it if….” “It won’t even happen so why try?” “I’m going to look so desperate if I do this!” As you can see, there are many fears that block our paths toward reaching our goals. We worry about what others will think of us. We worry if we can pull it off. We worry about failing. Our fears hold us back and as a result, doom ourselves to a mediocre life. Want to break out of that dull prison? Me, too! When you create more opportunities to meet wonderful, single men – it will require you to take risks. Perhaps you have a small replica of your mother perched upon your shoulder, “t’sking” away that you have to attend a party alone. Or maybe you have these inner voices left from childhood taunts that remind you nobody wants to talk to “Smellie Nellie.” These are fears that

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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have been etched into our minds over time. Kicking the stuffing out of these fears will not happen overnight, but they will happen if you are aware of them. One of my fears was trying again. I had extended myself many times in the dating scene. For one reason or the other, the relationship wouldn’t last. I also had plenty of first dates – but then often the second would elude me. It got to the point where I just didn’t want to talk to men anymore. I didn’t want to look at them, think about them, or worry if I was being perceived as attractive or not. I was simply weary of it all. And, I had grown fearful. Nobody likes to be shot down in the dating game. We all would like to be seen as the interesting, fascinating creatures we believe ourselves to be. But yet we feel devastated when a man doesn’t respond to our fabulousity! I believed in myself, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold onto this truth without the corresponding proof of a man on my arm. One day, I attended a singles seminar. The speaker said something profound. He described exactly how I was feeling at that time – disappointed, dejected and misunderstood. He said, “There may be times where you extend your heart in friendship and it isn’t received. There is a temptation to crawl back into your shell. But I’m here to tell you, be friendly anyway!” I really latched onto that thought: Be friendly anyway. There will be men who may not respond to you in the way you hope, but be friendly anyway. Don’t allow these episodes to keep you from believing that there is a wonderful guy out there for you. Simply be grateful that you moved one more man out of the way so that you’re further down the path toward your special guy!

#3 Mistake: Worth The measure of a woman’s worth is also tied in with fear. Worth is when we believe that we deserve a wonderful man. This is a very tricky issue. On the surface, it looks simple enough. Why wouldn’t a woman think she deserves a wonderful man? The answer though, is often in the negative. Some women were raised by parents who were not nurturing. They were constantly told what a disappointment they were or that they would never

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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amount to anything and probably marry some loser like their alcoholic Uncle Fred. What often happens is the woman ends up marrying an alcoholic like Uncle Fred. Many women have been involved with abusive men or men who were unable to express love. A woman’s self-esteem plummets during such relationships and she often thinks she doesn’t deserve more than such shoddy treatment. Some women find it very difficult to express their need for a healthy, stable relationship. They may be busy taking care of their children or other family members, but think their own needs aren’t important enough. If you feel like that, I have to tell you I am extremely happy you purchased this book. You are worth it. You are worth receiving love and respect. No matter how often a man said you weren’t, you are. If you are in a place where your “Worth-O-Meter” is dangerously low, you need to fill up fast, girlfriend! A great way to do this is join a fitness center, get enough rest, eat right and focus on taking care of your needs. Treat yourself as you would a very special friend. Comfort yourself by finding like-minded friends who will encourage you. There are many books available on how to increase your sense of self-worth, but most of them say the same thing: Appreciate your uniqueness. There is no one else like you. No one else has the combination of gifts and talents like you. You have special attributes, traits and characteristics that make you, you. When you start to appreciate your uniqueness, it will translate into inner confidence. This “secret weapon” of successful people is a goldmine. How many people have you known in your life who may not have been wealthy or beautiful, but yet people flocked to them? Men are drawn to a woman like this, even though she may have a few extra pounds on her. Women are drawn to a man like this even though he may have a plain appearance. Confidence is the key. When we know we are worth loving and worth having, we exude confidence. Find ways to build yours.

#4 Mistake: Baggage This is probably one of the hardest areas for a single woman over forty. By the time we enter our late thirties, we most likely have experienced plenty of

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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pain in relationships. Divorce and separations can cause us to feel like failures when it comes to love. My advice is this: Focus on the future, not the past. Yes, you need time to heal. There are support groups, books and therapy that can help you move through the pain into a place of wholeness and health. That is necessary. Just don’t get stuck in the pain and the correlating product: an overall distrust of men. It is understandable that when you’ve experienced pain in relationships, you will find it difficult to trust again. But trust again is what you must do. In order for you to find love, you will need to trust that it will be there for you. You need to trust that there is a man who will honor and respect you and one you will be able to love in return. In fact, I believe trust is the bedrock of a great relationship. When we are open and trusting, it can bring out the best in another person and ourselves. Does this mean we trust every man we meet? Absolutely not. Trust needs to be earned. If you’ve not received a free copy of my report, How to Read the Character of a Man, you need to read it. I talk about how important it is to test the character of a man because basically, when you observe that he has a strong character, it will enable you to trust him more. Contact me to request your copy. A common complaint I’ve heard from men is, “She’s making me pay for the sins of the last jerk she dated.” We know how difficult it is to date a man who has had a string of bad experiences with women. We can feel the suspicion and hear the distrustful tone in their voice. This doesn’t create a good environment for the next relationship. When you meet someone new, act as though he is the first man you’ve ever met. I know this can be a challenge but I did tell you at the beginning that it wouldn’t be easy! Changing your perspectives and opinions are never easy. But over time, you will make headway if you continue to make the effort. When you treat a man as though he is the first man you’ve ever met, you are coming to the table openhearted and without pre-conceived judgment. You are looking at that man in all of his strengths and weaknesses and allowing him to stand alone; not together with your past dates in a line-up.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Try to refrain from painting the man with the same brush. There is a very good chance you will be pleasantly surprised by a man of excellent character! When I met my husband, I had already racked up my share of failed relationships and dates. But what kept me going forward was this thought: I wanted to get married. I realized I had to take the chance and trust again. Even though I strongly suspected I would be disappointed, I realized that if I were to get married, it would only happen because I trusted a man.

#5 Mistake: Isolation What do almost all single women over 40 do during the week after coming home from work? Stay home. Certainly there are school events to shuttle the kids to and from, but most women come home exhausted from a long day at work and stay there. Even if some women do venture out after work, many find themselves busy on the weekends taking care of errands and forget one important thing on their “To Do” list: Enjoy a social event! As women age, it becomes easier to settle into a routine with their lives. They may have children or relatives to visit and meet their needs. Women overall are experts when it comes to taking care of everyone else’s needs except their own. Even single women without children find it’s easy to come home and stay home. After a long day at work, the last thing I wanted to do was go anywhere. However, once again I realized that Mr. Right wasn’t going to miraculously appear at the door. I needed to cross over that doorstep and into the world. Since it seems as though one of the contributing factors to staying at home is the issue of energy, (“I’m too drained to do anything!”) I highly recommend joining a fitness center. The best move I ever made in finding a mate was joining the YMCA. Joining a fitness center and consistently working out will give you so many rewards that you’ll wonder why it took you so long to do it in the first place.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Here are some benefits: Ø You will gain more energy. Yes, it will take some time, but within a month, you’ll notice an increase in alertness and overall stamina. Ø You will get in better shape. I’ve actually had men apologize to me for this, but they say the sexiest women are those who care about their appearance. That includes a neat hairstyle, make-up and clothes but it also includes a woman who is relatively fit. Few men expect a woman to look like a tall, willowy model. (In fact, most men appreciate the curves of a woman.) But they do want a woman who is in shape. A fit woman will be able to keep up with a busy social calendar rather than one who can’t get out of bed because her joints ache. Ø You will relieve stress. When you exercise regularly, you are allowing your body to rid itself of the daily stress in a natural way. Stress accumulates and deposits itself into tightened shoulders, neck and back. Stretching exercises will help. Also, cardio workouts that include walking, running, cycling, and swimming. Ø Your brainpower will increase. This last benefit was one I didn’t notice until a few years ago. I had joined the YMCA in my new city and suddenly noticed I was having an avalanche of ideas on a regular basis. This was more than my usual production of ideas. I mentioned it to one of the fitness trainers and he laughed. He told me more oxygenated blood was reaching my brain. Of course! No wonder I was getting more ideas! Just think of what “more ideas” could do for your social life!

Bonus Tip: Men love women who have energy. I’m not talking about the hyper-speed twentysomethings who usually have energy to burn. I’m talking about men who are in their forties and fifties who want a woman who has energy. I have my own theory about older men dating younger women. I believe men have a “mid-life crisis” and for some, this means trying to regain their sense of youth by dating a woman in her twenties. But I think there is another element involved. Men like the energy of a younger woman. And who wouldn’t? The twenty-year old hasn’t lived long enough to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. She is beginning her journey of selfdiscovery. Usually she doesn’t have kids. She doesn’t have many obligations. She is as light as a feather and her laughter is like the tinkling of a brook. This

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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“lightness in spirit” is what I believe attracts a man. And, the energy. One woman raised a good point during one of my workshops. She said, “You mentioned how men like a woman who has energy, but…” She hesitated. “You know, I’m in the middle of menopause! My energy just isn’t what it used to be!” The other women laughed appreciatively as we all realized the different stages in a woman’s life. I assured this woman and will assure you that the energy men are seeking from women is an emotional and spiritual energy as well as the physical. One man said what attracted him to his (older!) girlfriend was her zest for life. She tackled life head-on and had spunk! He adored that in a woman. You may not be able to run a marathon but you can do things to increase your stamina and your zest for life. Is this expecting too much? I don’t think so. Yes, a woman’s body changes as she ages but she can still take walks. She can still go to a fitness center and exercise to the best of her ability. I believe she will reap the rewards of an increased level of energy and a healthier body. And isn’t that what you want? Once you find your special man, you will want to live as many days as possible enjoying your love!

3 Important Questions In order for you to achieve any goal, you need to ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly. Sometimes we think we want something but once we start to ask the right questions, find ourselves unsure whether we really want what we say we want. This next section will focus on three specific questions that will help you in finding a husband.

Question #1: What Is Your Biggest Obstacle? Everyone has his or her own biggest obstacle. Check the one that applies to you.     

I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough money I am so out of shape and can’t seem to get back to the gym. My children need me. My mother needs me.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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 I like my friends too much. We prefer hanging out together than dating jerks! You can overcome these obstacles. But first, you need to identify which one is holding you back from your goal. Let’s take the one I hear the most: Not enough time. A typical woman works around 45-50 hours a week. She may arrive home around 6:30 or 7:00 PM exhausted. She takes care of her children if she has them, attends their school functions perhaps, and then finally pours herself into bed around 11:30 PM. When I talk about creating opportunities to meet more men, I am talking about taking every available minute and making the most of it. How do you do this? By looking around. Pay attention to your surroundings. Do you ride the bus to work? Notice if there are eligible men on board and sit near them. Say a friendly “Good morning!” to them and smile. Greeting men is the best way I know to strike up a conversation. Men look for friendly women. I might repeat this again, but it’s worth it if it will get you to smile and greet the men who already are around you! Then, there are meals. Everyone needs to eat, right? However, too many single women eat at their desk during lunch. In fact, it’s not much of a lunch at all but rather a “type-three-letters-make-three-phone-calls-and-wolf-downan-energy-bar” thirty-minute moment in the day. My dear sister, this is no way to live. You need a break! You need some time away from that computer, the everringing phone and yes, your boss who never seems to sleep much less eat and get out of the office! Oh, lunch time! The men I used to see during lunch. It brings back good memories. Years ago, I lived in Cincinnati, Ohio. The downtown area has a wonderful landmark called Fountain Square. This local attraction has all sorts of good things going for it. It’s smack dab in the middle of the business district. It’s across the street from a very fancy hotel. It has an outdoor stage that hosts several concerts and festivals during the warmer months, and the best thing about it – it has a great seating area. Lots of seating. If you are lucky enough to have such a location in your town, take advantage of it. Bring your lunch if you are on a budget, but enjoy the sunshine and the interesting people who surround you. Many single men frequent such areas to

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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enjoy a bit of relaxation outside the office. It’s easy to strike up a conversation with someone sitting next to you, especially if there is a funky band filling the air with their music. Other places include restaurants that attract men. Most men need to eat a quick lunch too, but they tend to frequent establishments that serve good sandwiches or subs. If you go to lunch with some other ladies, look around. Are your restaurant choices filled with “women who lunch” or are they filled with men? My advice will always be: Go Where The Boys Are. If you are on a tight budget, check out the museums in your area. Many have certain days when the admission is free. Summer concerts are outdoors and many of them are also free. Volunteering for events will often get you in for free plus you’ll have the opportunity to meet new people. Remember: one of our key words is new, so make sure you’re starting to incorporate new activities in your life. Book clubs, groups and various social clubs are often free. All you need to do is make a few phone calls to find out. If you are taking care of others such as children or parents, find someone who can pinch-hit for you. Perhaps a relative or friend can watch your children for an evening while you attend an event. If you have a parent that needs supervision, see if another person can watch them for the night. No matter how much others may need us, we need to also nurture our own needs. Finding love is a very important need and qualifies as much attention as you give to everyone else.

Question #2: What Will It Be Like to Get What You Want? Before you answer, I’d like you to stop a moment and really think about the question. Imagine your life one year from now, with a wonderful man who adores you. Imagine a typical day. You get up in the morning and turn to look into the eyes of this man who makes you feel awesome. Imagine all the daily activities that comprise a day with him in it. Imagine coming home from work and having him greet you or later, you greeting him. What would the evening be like? Would the two of you watch TV together or maybe take a walk after dinner? I want you to be as detailed with this typical day as possible. Close your eyes and allow your imagination to run wild. Go ahead and do this now. I’ll wait. Okay. Welcome back. How did it feel? Are you smiling? Do you have a sense

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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of excitement inside? Good! Envisioning our success is important toward achieving our goals. I have what might seem to be a strange little story. Years before I met my husband, I prayed for him. I didn’t just pray that he’d appear soon. (Although yes, that too!) I prayed for his success in life. I prayed for his health. I prayed that he would grow as a man, and increase in knowledge and personal development. When I did this, it gave me comfort and hope because I did believe that I was praying for a real, live man. Not just a figment of my imagination. Sometimes, we can be so consumed with the getting, that we forget to think about what it will be like once we get it! When you think about how it will feel to get what you want, it motivates you. Suddenly you realize it is totally worthwhile to spend the time and money in order to find someone wonderful. You’re a special lady and you deserve a special man. Sometimes, when we envision what we want, we feel afraid. This fear can be a response to many things, fear of success, fear of abandonment, fear of a loss of individuality. Maybe you were involved in a relationship with a very controlling person who belittled you and crushed your spirit. It is understandable that if you completed the exercise above, you felt unsure and uncomfortable. There are hundreds of beliefs running through your mind constantly. Many of them did not originate with you. They are the beliefs of others. I call these beliefs, “The Critic.” These beliefs can cripple our progress toward achieving our goals. Whenever you think about having a man love and cherish you – and there is a quick, negative thought following, question its origin. For example: You: “I can see how a wonderful relationship would look and feel. He will be supportive of my dreams and I will support his. He will be kind and caring…” The Critic: You couldn’t deal with such a man. Your last husband had those same traits and the marriage fell apart. You: “There were other reasons the marriage fell apart…” The Critic: But you couldn’t appreciate a good man when you had him. What makes you think you deserve one now?

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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You: “Maybe you’re right.” Before you get drawn into this inner argument, start to question The Critic the moment it opens its mouth. As soon as it says something like: you couldn’t handle such a relationship; ask yourself how this belief started. Were these the words of your critical mother or sister as they witnessed the death of your last relationship? You don’t need these words and you don’t need to accept them as the truth. We all have past failures and mistakes. Don’t allow you past to dictate your future. You have changed over time. You have grown and made decisions that have benefited you and those you love. Focus on your own wisdom. Recognize The Critic for what it is: a big party pooper who is trying to rain on your parade! Don’t give weight to its judgments. You deserve good things in life, such as the love of a good man. Believe in yourself! And yes, you will then celebrate internally when you think of getting what you want.

Question #3: How Committed Are You? This question will make or break your success in finding love after 40. In fact, I’m going to say this again in another way: Your commitment toward finding love after 40 is THE key factor to your success. I was almost tempted to increase the size of the type so you understood clearly the importance of this question. The women who have attended my workshops desire to find a husband, or a loving companion. They tell me their stories. They explain their longing for a good man. But many of them are not committed to their goal. Why? It requires a concentrated effort over time. It requires thought and discipline. Many of these women lead busy lives and although they want a loving relationship, this desire gets buried under all the other demands and obligations in their lives.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Here’s another aspect of this desire: It can get tiring. Many single women over 40 who are looking for love tell me they have lost hope. They have “tried” and just haven’t found anyone. They are ready to throw in the towel and are weary of wondering how to meet a man. You know, I smile as I think about this because really – this weariness is exactly the same in any pursuit of a worthy goal. It is never easy to find a treasure. Think about it. Would we cherish our achievements as much if they were so easily had? Would we relish that corner office if we had been given it our first day on the job? So it is with finding a wonderful man. Although we are unable to cause love to happen, we can increase our opportunities to experience it. Creating these opportunities will require a commitment from you. When I was single, I had my ups and downs with my own pursuit. Sometimes I was too busy to search for a nice guy. But then I would remember how much I wanted to meet a good man. I would think about my life as a married woman. I would imagine a loving husband sharing my life with me. These thoughts kept me on the right path. During my time as a single woman, I was involved in many activities. I had a good job, good friends and a loving family. I was involved with my church and community. I was focused on developing into the best me I could be. And, I was open to meeting new men. I was open to trying new things. I attended single events. I joined groups. I tried personal ads. Basically, I reasoned that anything was worth trying and if it didn’t work, I didn’t give up. When I was 36, I once attended a singles dance for “35 and over.” When I stepped into the lobby of the hotel where the dance was held, I saw several women who were well over 35. I peeked into the room to see that the men were more around 50 years old, and older! I turned around and left. I chalked it up to realizing I did still have a few requirements and one was finding a man closer to my age! I also focused on inner growth. I read books and listened to tapes. I took advantage of support groups. I learned about my own fears of commitment and the ways I sabotaged my own progress. I started to realize that I had more influence over whether I would find love or not, depending on my level of

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trust. Just before I met my husband, I was in one of my “down-times” in my pursuit of finding a wonderful man. Even though I was in a doubting place, I realized I still wanted to enjoy life and be involved in fun activities. I joined a cycling group and met some nice men. I frequented coffee shops and met nice men. I went to dance clubs and met nice men. I was still circulating despite my beliefs at that time. Within a few months, I met my husband. This is what I advise you to do when you are feeling weary. Enjoy social activities just for the sake of fun and relaxation. Not every excursion has to be filled with a steely-eyed resolve that says I must meet a man at this event! Relax and have fun! Commitment doesn’t have to be a ten-letter bad word. It just means that you are continuing with your intention of creating more opportunities to meet more men.

3 Choices That Will Make a Difference This next section will focus on what you can do now to make a difference in your circumstances. Change will occur when you make consistent, intentional choices to affect your reality. It isn’t enough to dream of what could be. You need to become aware of your choices and how they affect your progress toward your goal of finding love. The three choices need to be tackled head-on. You will need to adopt these positive perspectives on a daily basis in order to bring about change in your life. It can be done, one day at a time!

#1: Choose To Be Open When considering different activities to meet men, it is tempting to only do what we feel comfortable doing. Maybe you tried a singles group years ago and the experience was bland. Or perhaps you tried a writing group but found it was filled with women. You probably know what I’m going to say. Keep trying. Just because you have a boring experience in a singles group doesn’t mean all singles groups are boring. And if you attended a writers group that was mostly made up of women, it doesn’t mean there aren’t those who have men.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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My mother met my father when her girlfriends convinced her to attend a dance on a Friday night. My mother really didn’t want to go, but gave in to their request. My father was playing in the band at that dance and was drawn to my mother’s glossy, brunette hairstyle. He asked her to dance and the rest, as they say, is history. My mother was open. How many invitations to “do something” have you turned down because the event didn’t really appeal to you? The key word is openness. You never know what will happen. The mother of my cousin is in her fifties. She divorced my uncle while in her early forties and wondered if she would ever love again. She just got married last year to a wonderful man. How did they meet? She volunteered to help a friend move and her future husband also offered his help. (You know you have good friends when they help you move!) Now helping someone move doesn’t sound very romantic, but it was something that got her out of the house and within a group of people. Whenever you’re with a group of people, there is the very good possibility that either someone interesting will be there or those attending could introduce you to someone interesting. Another way to be open is in dating men who are not usually your “type.” I’m not advocating dating a man with addictions or personality disorders! But if you’ve been looking for a banker and a good friend introduces you to a construction worker – be open. I mentioned before how I had a certain perception of the type of man I was going to marry. My husband does not fit this perception. I was, however, open to meeting any decent man. I also was open to different ways to meet men. The Internet is a good way to meet men. So are dances, sporting events, classes, civic groups, hardware stores, grocery stores, coffee houses, clubs, non-profit organizations and events, recreation centers, libraries, art galleries, museums, Broadway shows, public transportation, restaurants, employee cafeterias, professional organizations. Get the picture? Any place where people gather is a good place to meet someone. I had my share of raised eyebrows when I said I met my husband through the Internet. I wasn’t expecting to meet my husband in this fashion and certainly not through a chat room. But there I was, typing away one night in a Christian chat room and I saw his photograph. I was drawn to his thoughtful look and the guitar in his hands.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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I was open to corresponding with him through email. He intrigued me and I wanted to get to know him better. After over 70 emails in a month, we finally arranged to meet face to face. Because we were both writers and already had shared our hearts through email, we were eager to see if we would have chemistry once we met. We did and today, we’re very happily married. Look for opportunities and be open when they arrive. You never know what will happen.

#2: Choose Positive Attitudes I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this choice. Some things occur in our lives that are beyond our control, but our response to them is always within our control. There are people who let life to happen to them. They drift with the ebb and flow of life’s currents and at times get so overwhelmed that they almost drown. This is when intentional living “gets real.” You have the opportunity to either be an overcomer, or a victim. First, let me describe the differences between the overcomer and the victim and then I will explain the connection to your dating life. An overcomer understands that life can be difficult but is focused on learning from the experience. An overcomer often asks herself this question: “What did I learn from this experience? How can it benefit me in the future?” Sometimes the overcomer realizes she has a choice that can lead her to deeper personal growth. The greatest challenge of all is change within. An overcomer isn’t too proud to admit she was wrong but will persevere to become the best she can be. If this requires making amends, so be it. This is what our grandparents would call, building character. A victim is easy to spot. Nothing is ever her fault and she often blames others for her unhappy lot in life. Bad things do happen to good people but the victim focuses on the bad. She dwells on the pain and the unfairness of it all instead of pressing through the experience to learn and grow. We all get knocked about in life. The difference between the overcomer and the victim: The overcomer will get up and “knock back” while the victim stays down on the floor, knocked out. Most women over 40 are either divorced or survived the demise of at least one serious relationship. When relationships go bad, there is a strong

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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temptation to avoid any attempts at intimacy altogether. This is when you have to cheer the overcomer in you – and she is in there! Remember when you learned how to ride a bike? You wanted more than anything to be flying down the street along with the other kids, but you weren’t sure how you were going to do it. You probably had some help in learning how to ride a bicycle, someone who would encourage you to keep trying. And as many times as you fell off, you’d get right back on and try again. What kept you trying? Determination. Determination is a beautiful thing. When we really want something, we will persevere through anything to get it. Some are determined to become an executive officer within a company. Some are determined to write a novel. Some are determined to find true love in their life, whatever it may take. I want you to call upon that determination now and thoughtfully examine your attitudes, especially your attitude toward men. Many women go on a first date with a man and are perplexed when he doesn’t call again. But if she spent most of the night talking about her exhusband or ex-boyfriend and the problems he caused her, it’s no surprise the man isn’t interested. First, when you are on a date, the man is interested in getting to know you better – and secondly, for you to get to know him. Too many women have sabotaged what could have been a good relationship because they still carried bitterness and resentment from past relationships. Men can usually pick up on the bitterness. Here are some clear signals they can’t ignore: Derogatory comments about men: “Men are so arrogant. They never ask for directions even if they were surrounded by gas stations!” “Why are men so hardheaded (rude…insensitive…forgetful)?” Body Language: Watch out for these tell-tale signs of boredom: Rolling of the eyes when he says something that you perceive as a “fish tale.” Snorting, heavy sighs, quick turning of the head and breaking eye contact to show displeasure. A slumped posture that shows disinterest or crossed arms or legs say, “I’m not open to communicating with you.” Tone of voice: Hardness or an edge in your voice. A raised volume that becomes strident or defensive when discussing sensitive issues. Condescension or patronizing when assuming he doesn’t understand.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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We don’t appreciate it when a man treats us this way. Men also have been hurt by women and often are wary when it comes to dating. In order to build trust in a relationship, we must remember to be courteous and kind during our first meeting. Building a positive attitude may take some effort, but it is well worth it. When you do meet an interesting man, he will appreciate your openness to him and the fact you aren’t judging him instantly by the mistakes of other men. When you believe that you are worth getting to know, you are worth respect and that you have a great amount of love to give to someone – you will start to shine! When you have a generosity of spirit toward others (forgiving easily, giving others the benefit of the doubt), it will be evident. Men are looking for women who have a positive attitude toward life. And really, we all like to be around such people.

#3: Choose New Things We love to shop for new clothes. The texture of the garments, their vibrant colors and even the smell of newness, are attractive to us. We like to visit new places on a vacation, dine in a new restaurant and experience a new adventure. For some reason that psychologists can explain better than I, this openness to trying new things decreases as we age. We like to visit the same restaurant and usually order the same menu item. We stay home and watch the same TV series and might even go through a mild depression when the show is taken off the air. We develop rituals and patterns that bring comfort and stability to our lives. For the single woman over 40, this tendency to stick with the familiar can wreak havoc on her social life. Attending family get-togethers and the occasional “Night Out” with a few co-workers is not going to do much for introducing you to more men. This is an exciting opportunity! Once you understand the concept of new and start to apply it your life, you are going to have more fun than you’ve had in awhile! Recently, I had a conversation with a married man who shared a story of how he met his wife. He was divorced and decided to employ the services of a dating service to introduce him to more single women. At first, he felt slightly annoyed by the prospect of going on so many “blind” dates. Then, he had a revelation. Instead of looking at this as a process to be endured, he started to look at it as

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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an opportunity to learn about someone new. He changed his perspective and focused on the “newness” portion of dating. He found that he enjoyed himself much more! Soon after, he met his future wife through the service and they’ve been happily married now for seven years. When you try something new, you will need to acquire a few adjustments. First, it will feel uncomfortable. You will perhaps feel nervous or apprehensive. This is normal. What you must remember is to not allow those emotions to prevent you from trying new things. I was proud of one client who decided to attend a special evening series sponsored by the local art museum. She is fairly introverted but realized that if she was going to meet more men, she needed to make an effort. One evening, she introduced herself to a small group of people and had a wonderful conversation with one man in particular. She also ended up meeting a woman who served on the board of another arts group. This woman extended an invitation to join her for another cultural event. This is called widening your network and if you do it enough, you can’t help but meet new people! Even if you meet new women, there is a good possibility they may know a single man and could make an introduction. Again, there are opportunities all around if you start to recognize them. Have you always wanted to join a book club? Call some of the area bookstores and libraries to discover if there is one you can attend. Do you love to dance and always wanted to learn how to do the Salsa? Look in the papers and phonebook to discover the dance studios. Does your heart rejoice when you hear Opera? Don’t only attend the performances but look for an Opera loving group and volunteer your time to help with the special events. (Arts groups are always looking for reliable volunteers.) Finally, it may be a “new” thing to try a dating service or “Speed Dating.” I always encourage my clients to try something new at least twice. Trying something new once really doesn’t give it a chance. If you try something a second time, you may enjoy it more or notice things that you didn’t the first time. You want to nurture an open mind and open heart during this time. If a particular group or activity doesn’t appeal to you, even after two experiences, move on. You learned something new about yourself! As you become more aware of what works for you and what doesn’t, you’ll have a better understanding of what to focus on when meeting new men.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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5 Ways a Single Woman Can Find Love After 40 When you decide that you are ready to find love, it will include being mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically ready. We have covered a few ways to become mentally ready. The five ways listed are not all the ways, but a few strategies you can use as you step out to meet more men. I have used the imagery of a fisherman in my description of these strategies mainly because my husband is a world-class fly-fisherman. As I observed his fly-fishing gear, I was struck by how the process of seriously pursuing a hobby or interest is much like the process of finding a mate. This man, once found, will be a treasure to you. One does not look for treasure with halfhearted attempts but with intention and purpose. This is the mindset I would like you to have as you read about the “5 Ways.”

#1: Get Equipped A fisherman doesn’t just head toward a lake without the right equipment and then expect to catch a boatload of fish. He carries with him the means to catch and store the fish. There are a variety of tools to help the fisherman be successful in his outing. The fishing finesse, is left up to him. You want to be equipped when you begin your search for a great man. This means investing in the right “tools” that will help in your success. If you have issues with trust, for example, utilize the plentiful resources to help you recognize and address this issue. Whatever your fears may be, you want to be aware of them and get the right “equipment” to help you move forward. Fear can keep us immobilized and will prevent us from enjoying life and being open to new opportunities. Some of this equipment can include: Reading self-help books, attending personal growth workshops, membership and active participation with a spiritual institution of your choice, and therapy. A year before I met my husband, I joined a local Twelve Step group to work through some co-dependent issues regarding my job. Because my circle of friends was so close to the situation, I needed people with an objective view who could help me see the forest, not just the trees. Little did I know I would receive a major breakthrough regarding intimacy. One evening, as we were sharing on a particular topic, I found myself telling the group about my past and a few family incidences that affected my view of relationships. Suddenly, I started to cry. I felt as though a huge ball was

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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blocking my airway as I choked out the words, “I am terrified of intimacy!” I actually wailed. I was both mortified by my behavior and stunned. This admittance released me from years of “bottling it up.” I needed the safety of such a group in order to be vulnerable. Once I felt safe and realized I would not be judged for such an emotion, this fear finally was exposed and expelled. After my sobs subsided, I felt very light. I was drained, but realized I had just gotten rid of something that was an enormous burden to carry. Throughout the years, I carefully crafted an image of competence. I didn’t want anyone to know how terrified I was of intimacy. I did such a good job that I even kept it from myself! My poor choices for relationships with men were a direct result of this fear. Whatever you may be lacking in social skills, intimacy issues, confidence or a positive mindset; you can do something about it and get help. Asking for help may be intimidating but we all need it at some point in our lives. The wonderful thing is that help is available! Visit your local bookstore or library for books on the issue you’re working through. Check out weekly alternative newspapers that usually list various support groups in their back pages. You will be surprised at how quickly you’ll find the help you need once you’re ready to receive it.

#2: Get A Guide Just as getting help for certain issues is important, so is getting support. You need supportive, encouraging relationships in your life. You need friends and family members who will surround you with love and positive words as you launch the journey toward your dreams. If you don’t have family members who can do this, you can certainly choose healthy relationships with others who are able. I remember a woman, Sarah (not her real name), who shared her story with me briefly after one of the workshops. She was an attractive woman in her late thirties, but had her reservations. In spite of her questions, I could tell a spark had been quickened during the workshop. She participated with some questions and responded positively to new ideas. She admitted to me later that she had a few single girlfriends who didn’t think attending the workshop would “do anything.” In fact, they were critical of Sarah for even trying something different. I didn’t have the chance to ask what their recommendations were, but I did feel sad for Sarah. I realized she lived in a negative environment with her friends and that if she didn’t have the strength to place distance from such people, her desire to find a husband would be thwarted.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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How many people in your life do you trust with your desire to find love? How many encourage you that it can be done? How many complain about men with the old phrase, “All the good ones are taken!” My friend, such people are not helpful in your life. I know. I’ve had “friends” who were well meaning with their advice – but the bottom line was they were not supportive of my dream. They nit-picked, found the gloomy side of every situation and if anything, joined me in a pity party with the chorus that men are just dogs. A recent cable series, Sex and the City, gave me pause. It wasn’t the extreme focus on sex that concerned me (although it had its moments) but the preferable company of the tightly knit group of women. The four women found stability and support with one another rather than in meaningful relationships with men. Relations with men were non-committal and mainly for sexual fulfillment, not intimacy. No matter what happened, they would be there for one another, sipping their Cosmopolitans and laughing at the world (and men). On the surface, it seems to ring true. Women friendships are rich and provide us strength when life gets tough. They are truly one of life’s greatest gifts. We definitely need our friendships. But don’t get stuck. Stuck is when it feels comfortable. Stuck is when you’re sharing dinner with a new man and wishing you were instead with your family or friends. That’s when you know you need to start making a change in your perspective. When you are making changes in your life so you will increase your opportunities to meet more men, it is going to shake up more than your own personal social calendar. It’s going to shake up your “status quo” friendships, especially if those friendships are with other single women who have a negative attitude toward men. I know this will be a challenge for some of you. Believe me, I have had a few friends that I thought were supportive but when I became resolute toward reaching a certain goal, I found out they weren’t as supportive as I thought they’d be. Do not be discouraged. We all need to make adjustments in our lives as well as big changes when we set our sights on our goals. How can you do this without stepping on your friend’s toes? You let them know how much their support will mean to you. For instance, you could say something like this: “Karen, I value our friendship so very much. Although you know that I would love to find someone special someday, I want you to know I’m finally getting serious

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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about it. I’m going to be making some changes in my life and I would be very appreciative if you could support me, even if some of the things I try might seem silly to you. Can I count on you?” If you have a good friend, you’ll receive an enthusiastic, “Of course!” If however, you have a friendship with a woman who has her own issues regarding men, you might instead hear, “Why on earth do you want to do that? Men are jerks and aren’t worth your time. Do you think they care? They care more about football than finding a good woman!” I could repeat what I’ve heard other women say about men, but you get the point. Women who can only see the glass half empty or are blinded by their last bad relationship with a man are not the best candidates for supporting you. Friends can also promote the “Don’t Try, Don’t Worry” route. I had a few friends myself who did this. Again, their intention was to save me heartache but in the long run, accomplished nothing. I love my mother dearly, but when I was growing up, she would often say, “Don’t get your expectations too high! You’ll always be disappointed.” You can imagine what this did to my dreams. Why dream if the expectations were high? And what dream doesn’t have high expectations?! Finally, aren’t expectations really hope in disguise? We will discuss faith and hope later, but regarding the issue of expectations – have as many as possible! Don’t hold back! It’s a wonderful thing to have expectations because at that point, your spirit is moving forward. You are starting to see possibilities and when you start to see them in your mind, you are making a way for them to come true in your life. When you surround yourself with people who also have big dreams, whether it is finding a husband, a new job or move to Hawaii, you are surrounding yourself with positive energy. This is the kind of energy you want because first, it is highly contagious and second, it will give you momentum to achieve your goals. Happily married women can provide a great support system. Ask them how they met their husbands. Let them know how serious you are about finding a mate. Seek their thoughts on your social calendar. There is a very good chance that these women could introduce you to some single men within their social sphere. A coaching relationship could also provide support. This type of relationship would be more intentional than a friendship. With a coach, you would discuss your goals and what may be obstructing you from getting what you want. A coach will help you clarify your goals and create steps toward achieving them.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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I offer my clients extra services such as creating a personal essay for use with online dating services or instructions on taking a great photograph. Create your own supportive environment by reading books and articles that encourage love. Attend workshops or seminars that will help you keep a positive outlook. Cultivate friendships with those who want the best for you. As a good friend said to me, “It’s only a matter of time!”

#3: Get The Right Outfit No, I’m not talking about getting the latest designer outfit. I am referring to how you appear to the world as your “outfit.” We all know we can appear differently to others than what our own perception of self may be. For instance, you may see yourself as a nice, optimistic person but if your coworkers see a woman who sighs all the time or scowls – they’re going to have a different picture. If you spend your weekends combing through used bookstores for vintage copies of Jane Austen books but never talk about it, who would know? Getting the right outfit means highlighting what makes you a unique, interesting person. Men are drawn to women who in their words “have a life.” Women are similarly drawn toward men who also have more going on than the T.V. remote control. In my workshops, I encourage women to really explore their passions. I also mention that the concept of fun should be a vital part of their lives! How often do we allow the cares of our lives to prevent us from having fun? You need to discover your passions. You need to discover what makes you laugh. Once you find the activities and pursuits that make you feel alive, hold on to them tightly – nurture them and protect the time you take to enjoy them. This is vital for your well-being for two reasons. First, it enriches you. We all have different interests, talents and gifts. It makes us wonderfully intriguing. We grow as individuals by challenging ourselves to learn and adapt. The second reason is because when you understand who you are and know how to articulate it to the world, you set the stage for success. Knowing who you are and enjoying who you are leads to confidence. Confidence leads to better opportunities, whether in business or your personal life. Finally, exploring your own interests makes for a well rounded, healthy woman. Who wouldn’t want to be with such a person? Right now, I’d like you to take a few moments and write down your interests.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Don’t worry if they seem mundane or unimportant. The important thing is that they mean something to you. Do you enjoy baking? Gardening? Reading? Opera? What about sports activities? Do you enjoy watching or playing? Get specific about what brings you a sense of pleasure and joy. What fills your heart with satisfaction? When was the last time you laughed and had a really great time? Take a few moments to do this and then return. Get HAPPY! Write away!!! You may have felt saddened by this exercise because you realize it has been too long that you’ve felt these emotions. Do not despair. It just shows you that it is high time you start to make time in your life for these activities. Life is very hectic and it is easy to lose sight of our own needs while caring for others. But when we do start to make time for ourselves to develop our passions, our loved ones will reap the benefits. And you will become a more vibrant, attractive woman in the process. Once you have defined your interests, you can now start on creating an “outfit.” It will serve as a starting point to create your own personal brand. Branding is a hot topic because people are realizing the power of a memorable concept. Companies use branding for their products and services. The more successful ones stay in our minds long after the commercials are viewed. For instance, if I said, “Just do it.” Who comes to mind? The sporting goods line of Nike, of course. Or is I said, “It’s the real thing.” What product do you think about? Answer: the soft-drink Coca-Cola. Both of these companies spent a great deal of time and money to create such powerful slogans. You can do the same thing for yourself as a single woman. Some women are concerned that building a brand will limit their opportunities with men. Almost the opposite is true. It draws the type of men who would enjoy your special interest and traits. We are living in a world where the generalist no longer rules, but the specialist does. Businesses are now trying to find their own niche markets and small businesses have an advantage. We can take a lesson from this trend and capitalize upon our own unique traits to create a powerful, memorable message. So what exactly goes into your personal brand? Your appearance, your approach toward life or a special hobby. These are a few things to consider. Focus on what makes you unique. For instance, my brand was “Athletic, Positive Attitude, Bookworm.” I love to read books and own quite a few. I am outgoing, I have a positive attitude and I enjoy activities such as hiking, cycling and exercise. One of my services for single women includes helping them develop a personal brand. Another service is creating a personal essay, which includes highlighting a woman’s personal brand. I’ve also partnered with my husband,

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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a photographer, in creating a “Personal Marketing Portrait.” I know that sounds highly unromantic. However, the image is quite effective when used in conjunction with a personal marketing strategy that gets you noticed by eligible men. It is more powerful if a woman sends a consistent message to the world. This message is echoed in her choices and how she presents herself every time she walks out her front door. For instance, not only is my brand “Athletic, Positive Attitude, Bookworm,” people recognize this is my brand by commenting on these qualities. I have made these qualities memorable by consistently incorporating them into my life. My family asks about the books I read. Strangers occasionally comment on my positive attitude. Friends ask about my latest athletic adventure. The way you dress will also influence how others perceive you. If you have allowed years to go by without updating your wardrobe, now is the time to focus on it! A man is attracted to a woman who looks like a woman. Start to acquire pieces of a feminine wardrobe that includes soft fabrics and flattering styles. Avoid clingy blouses or tight clothing. Skirts and dresses will always be big winners. I’m not saying you need to throw out your pants suits or your power suits. But when you meet a man for the first time, you will make a favorable impression by emphasizing your feminine attributes. For me, I chose sporty, colorful knits. They fit my active lifestyle and have a casual flavor that I believe is reflective of my personality. On my first date with my husband, I had a long, black cotton skirt and a sleeveless knit top. He was captivated and told me how great I looked. I felt comfortable and confident in my style. This is a very important factor when you start to evaluate your wardrobe. You want to be comfortable and feel that your clothes reflect the true you. I’m not a designer gal and if I tried, I would come across as stiff and formal – which isn’t me. Many department stores have personnel who would be happy to help you choose flattering clothing items. There are also books and magazines that can help you find your own style. You may be a “Classic,” or “Romantic.” Investigate and play with it. Have fun! If you’ve neglected this area, start to see yourself as an attractive woman, worthy of pursuit. There are some things we can change about ourselves and some things we can’t. Understand the difference and accentuate your best features. I admit that I feel very strongly about this topic because I have seen it in action time and time again. Many women mistakenly believe that because they don’t have a model’s body, no man could be interested in them. They think that if they’re not in the body of a twenty year-old (or thirty year-old), then all is lost. They murmur, “Who wants this forty-something body?” And then they close the door to all other possibilities of adding something new to their wardrobe.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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I’d like to challenge you to take risks in this area. Always be open to trying something new and this includes your wardrobe. One woman who came to my workshop told me about a great purple, suede cowboy hat she had bought at an Arts and Crafts Fair. I was slightly surprised, because this woman struck me as being rather conservative. I couldn’t see her in this purple hat! But when I asked how she felt when she wore it, she said “Great!” She then mentioned how some of her girlfriends questioned her choice of such a hat, thinking it was too outlandish. Then I asked her the question, “Do any men talk to you when you wear this hat?” She said, “Oh, yes. I have a lot of compliments!” Well, there you go! She brought this hat with her to another class and I saw what this hat did to her. As soon as she put it on, she got this big grin on her face. She had a beautiful smile and she lit up like an excited child when she placed this hat on her head. Isn’t it amazing how certain articles of clothing can lift our spirits? Suddenly, I didn’t see the conservative woman I thought I knew. Instead, I saw a vibrant woman, full of surprises and a passion for life. Do you know how attractive those qualities are to a man? Very! So put together your own special “outfit” and enjoy the opportunities that come your way.

#4: Get Busy I know that single women over 40 are already busy with their jobs and obligations. After a long day at the office, many arrive home weary and spent. There is often a “second shift” for single mothers and caregivers. I am sensitive to this dilemma but at the same time, want to encourage the single woman to develop her social life or at least take advantage of the social events that surround her. I am reminded of the fisherman. One attempt doesn’t catch a fish but many attempts increase the success ratio. Plus, when you know where the fish are, your chances of success are even higher. Use the right flies on your hook and again, your chances increase. My husband shared with me the art of this hobby. One needs to use a scientific approach when catching fish, because fish, by nature, respond to certain events. For instance, a fly is to mimic exactly that, an insect. There are certain seasons for certain bugs and each fly is to look like the real thing. If you put a fly on the line that doesn't correspond with the type of bug that is emerging during that time period, the fish won't touch it. They are looking for a very specific type of bug for their dinner and the smart fisherman knows

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what to give them. One of the most common questions I get in my workshops is this: Where are the men? My answer: Everywhere! It’s a matter of where you look. If you are going to work each day and then head home, you may not notice many suitable single men. This is when you need to adjust your calendar, try new things and get busy. There are many places to meet single men but all of them require you to be open. I emphasize going with your interests and discovering new ones. If you enjoy reading, find a book club. The club may be filled mostly with women, but yet may provide you with the opportunity still to meet a single man. How many women might have a single brother or co-worker? Attending groups can widen your social network and present you with opportunities you didn’t have before. Do you love to dance but never took ballroom lessons? There are a variety of dancing schools and instructors who even offer classes in a YMCA. Make a few phone calls to discover what’s going on in your town. Whatever you do, explore your own passions during this time. Enjoy new adventures. Stretch yourself with new challenges. Doing so will enlarge your world and enrich your life. And, men will find you interesting. In my conversations with men, I am always on the lookout for what attracts them to women. They love a woman who has an energy within her, who loves life and is on the move. Many older men said they enjoyed a woman who had “something going on in their life.” Whether it was involvement in groups, a membership at the YMCA or a hobby, they liked the idea that a woman had various pursuits. Many found a woman with no pursuits to be rather bland. I have encouraged women for years to never stop developing themselves. As I have aged, I understand the comfort and security of continuing to do the same things over and over again. If you’re attending the same house of worship, visiting the same restaurants and haven’t made a new friend in a year – it may be time for you to widen your world. Whether you have a strong desire to get married again or not, your efforts at discovering new activities and people will be rewarded. There are also many activities that are especially tailored for the single woman. I have recommended the “Speed Dating” trend to my workshop attendees as a way to jump-start their social skills.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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“Speed Dating,” or “Progressive Dating” is when you attend a group meeting that is led by a host. During the evening, you meet a large group of men. However, you are given only five minutes to talk to them! Then it’s time to move on to someone new and talk for a few more minutes. At the end of the night, you give the host a list of the men who interested you. The men do the same. If a man’s list had your name on it and your list had his, then an introduction is made. If you had a name listed but the man didn’t list yours, or vice versa, then no introduction occurs. The reason I like this style isn’t so much for the possibility of meeting someone, but rather the opportunity for a woman to improve her communication skills. For older women, communicating with new men can be challenging and often, intimidating. Participating in a structured environment provides an opportunity to stretch her wings and rediscover the joys of learning about someone new. Remember, consistent effort over time will yield results. If you are serious about meeting a man, developing a loving relationship and perhaps marrying; then you need to evaluate your schedule. Are you so busy that you don’t have room for a relationship? This happens often with single mothers. There is a balance between shuttling your children to all of their activities and then finding room for yours. But if this is important to you, you deserve to find that time. I believe a woman needs to nurture all the different facets of who she is as a woman. This means to not only look at yourself as a fantastic mom, but a fantastic woman! Remember the twenty-one year old with hopes and dreams. Think about those dreams and what you can do to include them into your life again. It is never too late to pursue them. As you do, you will be delighted to see that the Universe hasn’t forgotten them either and is eager to help you achieve your highest and your best.

#5: Get Hopeful Hope is a beautiful thing. Hope can also be a fragile thread, often breaking and leaving us wondering if it will ever happen. I’ve reached a place where I like to think of hope as a rope! A rope is thick and strong. Have you ever seen the kind of rope used on large ships for their anchors? They look as though they’re about five inches in diameter! Now that would make an awesome Hope Rope! I like the idea of having a piece of rope as a symbol of having a strong hope in my future. Strong hope leads to a strong belief. A strong belief leads to faith. And faith can move mountains.

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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How many success stories have you heard where the person being interviewed shrugs and says simply, “I wanted to do this and hoped it would happen. Then when I really started to believe it would happen, that’s when things started changing!” Our beliefs and thoughts are powerful tools for charting our course. If a woman gets up every morning and has absolutely no expectation except that the day will be like any other, it is no surprise then that when she retires for the evening, the day was like any other. Since I am now officially into my “mid-life,” I can honestly say that I am more aware of my attitudes and expectancies than ever before. Each day is a gift. Truly. Now that I’ve seen death suddenly take someone away, I am more sensitive than ever of the uncertainty of life. I know that I have this moment and want to live fully in it. Living fully means being aware of my body, mind, spirit and heart. It also means to be aware of my hopes and what I am doing to strengthen them. As a single woman, it is vital that you continue to hope for your future love. This hope lifts your spirit even when the circumstances may seem daunting. Building the hope within you is like watering a plant. You want to nurture your spirit. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and ideas is one way to get hopeful and stay hopeful. I had many friends who would say to me, “Someday you’re going to meet a great guy.” Although there were days when I said in frustration, “When?! In the nursing home?!” I realized deep down inside that I believed them. Somehow, there was a small, insistent voice inside of me that said yes, continue to wait because it was going to happen. That voice was hope. Take time to nurture your hope. For the days that you are feeling particularly blue, visit the library and get a book on historical couples. Read the letters of John Adams to his beloved Abigail. Linger over Shakespeare’s love sonnets. Think upon the power of love and how in many ways, it has changed the world. And of course, look into books and tapes that feature encouragement from such powerhouses as John Gray and Beverly DeAngelis. Another way to get hopeful is to become involved with life. Even if you attend an event alone, just get out of the house. You never know what might happen. Even if you don’t meet someone when you’re at an event, you took the risk and that is a beautiful thing in itself. It creates passion and vibrancy. We already know how attractive those traits are to a man. I admit my hope rose and fell during my single years. As I was approaching 40, I realized that I had the power to either keep believing or stopping that belief that I was going to eventually meet an incredible man. I took a long

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hard look at what my part was in finding him. That is when I created my list of what I wanted in a man. I determined that I needed to hold onto hope as I continued to create more opportunities to meet men. I read a lovely story in the book, Write It Down, Make It Happen by Henriette Anne Klauser. A single woman desired to find her mate and decided to write to him love letters. Her letters are honest and tender, detailed in chapter four, “Getting Ready to Receive.” She wrote these letters in the midst of strong hope and in the depths of despondence. But she never stopped writing, nor believing. Her letters were visualizations of a particular type of man. She even wrote how they would meet. Two weeks after writing one of her letters that included details of how they would meet, they met. And her letter ended up sounding like a script for their meeting! Build hope in your life. Explore opportunities and believe that a wonderful man exists for you. The day you say, “I do” (and my friend, really envision this!), you will be able to joyfully look into the eyes of your sweetheart and say, “I knew someday you’d be here.”

Summary Did I have disappointing days? Yes. But what was the alternative? Give up hope entirely and content myself with reading romance stories and watching television? I would do that for a short time before realizing that what I truly wanted was a loving companion, a man who loved me thoroughly and wanted the best for me. I wanted to give such a man my love and support. Many older single women ask the question, “Why is it so hard? Why does it require so much effort?” Some wish that the right man would just magically appear on their doorstep, tailored to their desires. I understand this longing well. In our culture, women have had to exert powerful energy in order to achieve almost everything in their life. There are glass ceilings in the workplace, office politics, stubborn children and demanding parents. All can sap a woman’s strength so that by the end of the day, she’s empty. But I humbly submit to you, my friend, this is when you need to find ways to replenish your energy and nurture hope. Perception and beliefs can make all the difference. How we view ourselves

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and what we can offer in a loving relationship can either make or break our opportunities. Many women have the tendency to undervalue themselves. If you’re one of them, take time to evaluate your achievements and contributions to life. Ask for feedback from those you love and trust. Simply tell them you need to be reminded of your positive traits. We all need encouragement and sometimes, we need to ask for it. There is a word that is mentioned several times in this book. It is the word that I would call the single woman’s secret weapon. When she wields it, success is sure to follow. It doesn’t matter if she has a few extra pounds or if she lacks model looks. I have seen this secret weapon change a woman’s fortune. What is this secret weapon? Confidence. This is the purpose of my services, my workshops, and my writing. I want to help you build confidence. There are plenty of people and situations in the world that tear down a woman’s confidence. When it comes to finding a suitable mate, a single woman needs to draw upon her confidence more than ever. Especially an older single woman. Our culture worships youth. As a woman ages, it is understandable that she feels less worthy. As she looks at the slender, wrinkle-free twentysomethings, she may feel discouraged. How can she compete with them? Confidence is the secret. Today we have a number of older, accomplished, and sexy women to admire. No longer is it the kiss of death to reach the age of thirty without having married. There are more and more women who are waiting until they are ready for a husband. Some decide not to marry at all. What is so exciting is that today, more than ever, women have choices. Confidence is like fuel for a train. It will get you where you want to go. You need to refuel often; otherwise you’ll run dry. Surrounding yourself with supportive environments is the way to keep your confidence level stoked. There is a component to using the ‘secret weapon’ of confidence, and that is – willingness. You bought this book because you were willing to try something new. Willing to hear new ideas. Willing to learn a new perspective. I congratulate you on this because it is no small thing to be willing. If you are willing to try new things, you have immediately enlarged your horizons. You may want to put this willingness into a positive affirmation for yourself, such as:

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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Today I am willing to investigate new ideas and experiences in life. It feels good to explore. It is exciting to look at our life and realize we have the power to choose. But even beyond willingness is intention. This means taking that step of realizing you can do something different to affect your circumstance. Willingness is a necessary ingredient to implement the 5 Ways into your life and intention will make it a reality.

Challenge I can’t end this time with you and not give you a challenge! I’ll make it simple: This week, choose three actions that will advance you toward reaching the goal of finding love. It could be: · · ·

Making a phone call to that new fitness club in your area Making an appointment to visit your hair stylist and ask for a new look Letting others know you’re looking and want to ask for their support in doing it.

Write it down. This is very important. Now tape it to your bedroom mirror so it’s the first thing you see after you’ve awakened. Think about it. Then, do it. Take a deep breath and dive in! I’m always telling my clients I love good news and I truly do. Share with me your good news by writing to [email protected]. I’ll give you top billing in my blog! We all need encouragement and when we hear of someone else’s good news, it can help us also take action. I wish you every experience of success as you journey toward your desire to find love!

© 2005 Mary Rose Maguire 5 Ways a Woman Can Find Love After 40 For use by paid subscribers to http://www.datingrevolutionist.com

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