3 Talk Set

1st Talk – God’s Plan for love and life Jeremiah 1:7-8 Say not that I am too young. The main aim, purpose and meaning of our lives is to love. God calls us to this exceptional challenge to live our lives as a gift for others. Mother Teresa said, “Life is not worth living unless it is lived for others.” Pope John Paul said that “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not intimately participate in it.” What then is an authentic vision of love? How can we know God is real, what has he done in history? God sent his only son, Jesus Christ to fully reveal man to himself. After living a public ministry of about 3 years bringing healing, miracles, hope and faith, he was captured and sentenced to death. He was crucified, died and buried, but rose from the dead, bringing victory over death. Before his death and resurrection, Jesus founded an institution, called the Church with which his work would continue throughout human history, which the powers of hell would not prevail against. He gave the keys of the kingdom of heaven to the Apostles and commanded Peter to head the Church, to go to ends of the earth to preach the Good News to every creature. Thanks to the gift of the Priesthood, sins are forgiven in his name, demons are driven out and the body and blood of Christ is given to us in the Eucharist, which he commanded us to celebrate in memory of him. Jesus even gave us his own mother, so that we might never be left unaided if we implored her help or sought her intercession. God inspired the writers of Sacred Scripture to write a book about himself and his transforming grace throughout history. Henceforth, the history of salvation is clearly articulated from the beginning of time. He sent his Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of

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believers to build up the Kingdom of God. He sent us Saints who would inspire generations, bringing people closer to God. He intervened in history with miracles, defying the laws of nature. He even gave us the gift of self consciousness, reason and intellect so that we might come to know him and love him. He gave us the gift of prayer so that we might open our hearts and minds to him, communicate with him humbly looking towards heaven. He gave us each a guardian Angel to care and watch over us. There are people who are too sceptical to believe any of this. They are normally the ones who do not even have the effort to look up in their local directory where the nearest Church is to hear about the Good News that God has brought us. God then, gives an authentic vision of love because he was prepared to die rather than spend eternity without us. Monastery joke. Once upon a time there was an apple tree in the middle of a valley, in between two famous monasteries: one run by the Franciscans, the other by the Dominicans. This tree was a constant source of contention between the two monasteries – every year and argument would break out as to who would have the apples from this tree. They were the plumpest, juiciest and most delicious apples that the monks had ever known. A debate between two monks was organised to decide who would have the apples for the year. The Dominicans without hesitation chose their head theologian to lead the debate. After many nerves and indecision, the Franciscans, being an order based more on charity and poverty rather than intellect, allowed their head chef to attempt to win the debate for them after nobody else volunteered. The Dominican head theologian was so confident that he could win the debate that he decided to give the Franciscans a chance by making it a silent debate. Both communities gathered in the valley by the apple tree ready for the debate.

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The Dominican head theologian started the silent debate by pointing to the apple tree. The chef then pulled a loaf of bread out of his pockets. Then the theologian raised one finger. The chef replied by lifting two fingers. The theologian continued by raising three fingers at which point the chef gestured in a circular motion with his hand. The theologian fell to the ground, crying, “It’s too much, he’s just too clever!” He had given up and admitted defeat. The Franciscans roared with delight and happiness as they returned to their monastery with cart loads of apples and singing and dancing along the way. Later that night in the Dominican monastery, the theologian explained what had happened. “I pointed to the tree, stating that we had all fallen from the tree in the garden of Eden, and through Adam’s fault all had original sin. He replied, that we are all saved by Jesus Christ, the bread of life as he pulled a loaf of bread out. Then, I told him that we believe in the one God who feeds us and sustains us day by day, by holding out one finger. He replied that this God in Jesus Christ was both human and divine, his hypostatic union was that in the incarnation he became man, whilst at the same time being God. I then told him with three fingers that we believed in the trinity, the mystery of 3 persons in one God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. But at this point he had me. By gesturing with his hands, he told me that these are all ineffable mysteries of the triune God in which we believe and in whom is infinite majesty and splendour. With this point he had clearly won the debate.” Back at the Franciscan monastery there was wild cheering and celebrations. The monks were cooking apple pies by the dozen and a great spirit of camaraderie and jolliness prevailed. The cook explained his famous victory, “He pointed to the tree to say that they were going to win the apples. I pulled out some bread to say that we had a lot of food too and hey it’s no big deal. He then help up his finger to tell me that he was going to poke my eye out. I help up two fingers to say that I would poke both his eyes out. He then pulled up three fingers to tell me that he was going to poke out all three of my eyes. I then motioned to tell him ‘where’s the third eye?’

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Christmas Present. When I was younger, I desperately yearned to know what I was getting for Christmas. I would shake, rattle, feel and hug my present in order to guess what they were. But one year, I decided to open my presents early. Under the tree, I took off the wrapping paper and found out what I was getting. Come Christmas day, the joy of receiving my gift was missing that year. I had spoiled the gift by opening it early. The novelty of receiving a present was bland and tainted that year. One author says, “Sex is a gift that says, ‘Do not open until marriage.’ If you've already unwrapped it, wrap it up again!” Gifts are ruined when they are taken rather than given. Some young couples on their honeymoon have to create extra fun like going on safari or scuba diving because the great gift of sex was already opened years ago. Our own body is designed as a gift for others. As we did not design or create our bodies, we must recognise them as a gift from God to be given to others. Dante in the inferno says that man is not meant to live like brutes, but to follow virtue and knowledge (Canto 26). Language of the body. Gift of self. The Call to love. Purity is possible The call to love is so deeply embedded within us that its expression permeates our very culture. There are hundreds of songs and tunes, dating clubs and jewellery stores selling engagement rings prior to weddings. Not only is this call to love entrenched into our society, it is stamped onto the body. Our very bodies have been designed as a gift to others: by living not just for ourselves we can give life both physically and spiritually to others. Even Godparent can be an important role model and spiritual influence to a child. Engrained in our bodies is the experience of desire. We have a desire for greatness, a desire to love and be loved, a

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desire to be honourable and also a sexual desire. These desires, in and of themselves are good. Our hearts are a battlefield between love and lust. In the act of the will, decisions are made- what to do, where to go, whom to talk to. These choices create the moral fabric of where good meets evil in our lives. What seems like love can be a distortion or perversion by the enemy of love which is selfishness. We can be tricked into thinking that a selfish act for ourselves is actually a kind and loving act. This battlefield is full the captains of self delusion. The body speaks a language. A man in a defensive posture gives off the impression that he is not open to what is being spoken about. A woman with skimpy clothes, sends the message that she is available or just wishes to flaunt herself. The hand with the wedding ring communicates a love until death commitment to a beloved. In this language of the physical world, actions can speak louder than words. Is it possible today to live a life of purity in body, heart and mind? Many do not think so. Our society, whilst trying to express the call to love, also presents another alternative. Adultery, promiscuity and depravity are all offered as legitimate or even good options. This is easy to fall into, if it is even possible to commit adultery with your own wife. At the essence of such lifestyles is the desire to live a happy life. The message that our society is aching to hear is: purity is possible! Living a pure life brings freedom, happiness, respect, self esteem and greater fulfillment later in life. No one wants to turn up at their wedding with their bodies imitating a second hand car: worn out, in need of renovation and disillusioned. Purity is a requirement of love: self interest contaminates the desire to want what is best for the other person. To use another person, whether in the workplace or the bedroom is to not help them achieve what is best for them. The greater the sense of responsibility for the other person, the greater the love.

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Some people believe that sex is the same thing as love, like a fuzzy feeling inside of you. Love, as an act of the will is a choice more than a feeling. In the book a Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken wrote this about his relationship, "The passion, the sexual element was there: and sexual harmony like sexual playfulness was an important dimension of our love. But it wasn't itself the whole thing; and we knew that to make it the whole or even the most important element was to court disaster. Those who see love as only sex or mainly sex do not, quite simply know what love is. They are the blind man assuming what the trunk of the elephant -or perhaps the phallus - is the whole creature. Sex is merely part of a greater thing. To be in love , as to see beauty, is a kind of adoring that turns the lover away from self." (p43 A severe mercy, 1977, Harpercollins, New York). The gift of sex is precious, valuable and worth more than gold. To express it as mere recreation is a negation of the beauty, value and mystery that beholds such an expression of the body. The virgin, once deflowered, can never ‘reflower’ entirely, but can start again fresh, renewed and forgiven. It is precisely that this gift is so special and honourable that the Church holds it with such esteem. Blessed Mother Teresa said, “To be pure, to remain pure, can only come at a price, the price of knowing God and loving him enough to do his will. He will always give us the strength we need to keep purity as something as beautiful for him.” Purity then is something beautiful for God. Today, the pendulum has swung from Victorian prudishness to postmodern promiscuity. C.S. Lewis said that never was a virtue such as chastity so gleefully relinquished by society. Time has come to find the balanced middle ground. Purity helps to find this balance, by ordering our desires and by self control. Cardinal Newman said, “Purity prepares the soul for love, and love confirms the soul in purity.” When we are prepared, we are able to welcome such a gift. Purity then is a path for happiness, well ordered lives and joyful relationships. In other words, it is a path towards God. What then is called for is to invite the author of life into your love life. 1. Sexuality is a gift. Testimony – kiss chase, valentine cards, sex education class, confused about the purpose of the body. More sophisticated and complicated over time.

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Didn’t know how to treat women with dignity and respect without example. Lust ruined relationship I had as it taught me to use rather than to love. Purpose of talk not judgmental, not Bible bashing, doesn’t matter where you have been , what you have done. Don’t know where you are – maybe you have 2 loving parents, maybe you’re aching for love, maybe you were abused when you were younger. Many people have an understanding of Church as something just about hierarchy, power, money, cold human structures, purely in institutional terms. In reality, it is about a personal relationship with the living God. Many people think that the Church poo poos sex because it is dirty and bad. But it is held in reverence precisely because it is so noble, good and holy that it cannot be given away cheaply. 2. Body is something that is good. We are created in the image and likeness of God. God created mankind and saw that it was good. We find our identity as sons and daughters of the living God. The body is the hinge of salvation, as united to the soul, our bodies will also experience resurrection on the last day. The aim of life is to reach heaven, bringing as many other people to heaven as possible. The Saints are our guide and example for this noble cause. Our Future Spouse is somewhere out there in the world. God invented sex. His first commandment to man is to be fruitful and multiply (Gn 1:28). Marriage is something that is Free, Faithful, Total and Fruitful. What are the consequences when we don’t follow his plan? To justify having sex outside marriage I would have to explain to a girl why it would be worth exposing her to a greater risk of unwanted pregnancy, STDs, single motherhood, abortion, depression, poverty and probably a broken heart just to top it all off. Women are able to have 2 or more souls within their body at one time, when pregnant. The womb is the tabernacle of life. Real men are willing to empty themselves for the sake of their princesses, to lay down their lives for those that they love. Many people have low self esteem, and do not realise that

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they are beautiful because they are concerned with comparing themselves with their neighbours. We need to learn to see ourselves and see others in the way that God sees us. St Paul says Husband love your wives as Christ loved the Church (Eph 5)- How much did Christ love the Church? Virginity: I don’t know anyone who has died of virginity. You don’t go into a A&E room at hospital to find virgins who are dying from a lack of sex. Those who choose virginity choose God. Nobody is going to be laughing on their wedding day, in fact they will know that they have honoured their spouse. It is possible to have reverence for your spouse before you have even met them. Despite pier pressure, it is possible to do what is good for the sake of those you love.

OXYTOCIN Powerful hormones are released in the brains of men and women that produce lasting bonds with their partner during sexual activity. The most influential hormones are oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is a hormone that is released during childbirth and nursing that causes the mother to bond with her infant. It is also released during sexual activity and acts like an emotional superglue between partners (The Female Brain, 2006). Both men and women have oxytocin and release it during sexual activity. Women are more affected by Oxytocin and more by vasopressin. Vasopressin enables a man to bond with his partner and gives him a protective instinct toward his partner and children. This bonding effect of sex can be compared to duct taping a couple's arms together. If you can imagine ripping off that tape off, and then using that same tape to apply the tape to a new person's arm. With switching partners several times, skin and hair left on the tape reduces the adhesiveness of the tape and it does not stick as easily. The same is true of sex. Research shows that the ability to bond and produce oxytocin is damaged by the stress hormones at a break up.

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Just like the remains on the duct tape, previous sexual experiences damage the ability to bond correctly. Oxytocin levels can return to normal if sexual activity is stopped and time is given for physical and emotional healing. But what if that duct tape was never removed. the duct tape would begin to feel like a part of the arm and the adhesion would be strong. When a couple waits until marriage to have sex, oxytocin and vasopressin increase the biological bond between husband and wife.

3. Chastity- definition of word. Even within marriage. A virtue that can only be thought of in association with love. Many people think that chastity is abstinence- that is merely a lack of sex. Chastity is a positive virtue that brings peace when we are pure in heart and mind. It leads to an integrated, well balanced life that brings freedom and happiness. If you can’t control yourself, you can’t give yourself, because you can’t give hat you don’t have. The human heart is a battlefield between love and lust. Purity is a spiritual power that frees us from selfishness and aggression. Purity is possible and it is a requirement for love. Frog story- what is happening in society. The figures of what is happening in society.

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2nd Talk: Men’s talk PRAYER: Thanks be to you, our Lord Jesus Christ For all the benefits which you have given us, For all the pains and insults which you have borne for us Most merciful Redeemer, Friend and Brother, May we know you more clearly, Love you more dearly, And follow you more nearly, Day by day. Amen. (St Richard of Chichester). Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Some People believe that the difference between the sexes by caused by cultural norms. A female sociologist set out to prove that men and women are fundamentally the same, and that girls act differently only because they are raised differently. To prove her theory, she raised her daughter like a boy. Instead of giving her dolls and a toy kitchen, she gave her trucks and toy guns. The researcher admitted that she became a bit frustrated when the little girl instated upon tucking each of her trucks into bed at night. Yet another

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mother who gave her daughter unisex toys was surprised to see her daughter cuddling a fire truck in her blanket, saying, “Don’t worry little truckie, everything will be all right.”1 From this rather satirical story it is abundantly clear that gender is not a social construct but a dimension of our being that we receive at the very beginning of our lives. 1/ Masculine identity: “Until a man knows he is a man he’ll be trying to prove he is one.” Our identity comes from God and not from the opinions of the world. Our inherent dignity is that we are sons of God. We are called to be men of virtue. Virtue is a word that means manly strength. Virtue comes from spiritual strength. We learn how to act as men by different role models in the world. God, our fathers and fellow men can teach us how to be men in the world today. Our Fathers are more often than not the first men we know. The father’s job is to teach you to be a man. Some fail and others teach us well. Some of us have wounds from our fathers. Some men ask: am I enough? Am I a man? It is false to believe that our worth and talent lie in our abilities. Who we are is more important than what we do. Masculinity Men are called to be the initiators of human love. Each man is a son of God, and our responsibility is to be an image of the father on earth. Authentic love always encounters sacrifice, and “Every man who seeks the kingdom of God finds himself.” For this reason we cannot afford to be passive, with no deep convictions. Men are called to spiritually lead the family and to speak truth unwaveringly with conviction. Some men are passive, fear rejection and never have the courage to initiate relationships. Most of this fear is a concern about the self. Other men have different methods of attempting to attract and lure women. Some try to make them feel guilty, seduce by gestures or initiate by physical gestures. Such gestures 1

Louann Brizendine, the female brain (new york: morgan road books, 2006), 12. mentioned in Theology of his body, p20).

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deny the intrinsic dignity of the human person. To use a person is incompatible with loving kindness. The yearning to unite with feminine beauty is a reminder that a soul longs for the beauty of heaven. 2/ Chastity: this word comes from the latin castitas which means cleanliness or purity. Our call to love runs depper than the temptation to lust. The counterfeit of love is lust. Chastity will help you to enter marriage, if that is your calling without worn out bodies and disillusioned souls. Only a chaste man is capable of true love. Purity can be given to us from God when it is asked with humility. The British author CS Lewis said that “Lust is a poor, whimpering thing when compared with the richness and energy of desire which will arrive when lust has been killed.” St Augustine struggled with lust for many years. He described how “lust became habit, and habit unresisted became necessity.” He prayed to be chaste, “but not yet.” Amongst trials and temptations he went on to be one of the greatest saints in the Church. But God does not just care whether we can act and live a chaste life. God cares about even the purity of your thoughts, because they reveal your heart. Jesus says that whoever looks lustfully at a women commits adultery with his heart. Chastity therefore is also an interior virtue of the heart. 3/ Women: Women are the pinnacle of God’s creation. Women want to be treated like ladies. And purity is about wanting heaven for the women we love. Women are a gift to received not a goal to be conquered. John Paul II said that “God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman.”

For a moment imagine your future bride. Perhaps she is out there somewhere in the world at this moment. She is the one that your love is reserved for. Every woman is somebody’s daughter. If you love somebody you do what is in their best interests. You don’t want to take your girlfriend further away from God. Before starting a relationship with a girl, first

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build a lasting friendship. The quality of our love for women can be measured by the feeling of responsibility for her.

Ben Sirach 9:2 says, “Do not give yourself to a woman so that she gains mastery over your strength.” Proverbs chapter 31 says that an honest wife is more precious than pearls. Ephesians 5 calls husbands to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. It is hard for us to fathom how much Christ loved the Church given what he endured to demonstrate his love (crucifixion). It’s never too late to become the man you ought to be.

Wild at heart Gladiator, Lord of the rings, Real masculinity Many assume to be religious is to be effeminate. Pictures of Jesus that are all inaccurate. Enmasculated is when men are not able to be real men. The example of St Joseph It is a frequent occurrence that the quality of relationships between men in modern life leave something to be desired. Until a man knows he is a man, he will be trying to prove he is one. Some try to prove themselves while others just feel inadequate. Often, men compare themselves to others, concerned at whether they are ‘enough.’ Self acceptance is key to developing a good sense of self esteem. Psalm 133 proclaims, “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity.” To build good relationships with other men involves honesty. First one must be honest with yourself and who you are. Then you can be honest with your friends. Good friends don’t let others go to hell. He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favour than if he has a flattering tongue (Proverbs 28:23). To be honest, you also have to be vulnerable. This might involve sharing deep dark parts of yourself. If one man has the courage to be completely open with his life it can draw the rest of the men into a deeper life. Good

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friendship has a spiritual dimension. Trust is build on top of honesty and vulnerability. It is hard to be honest or vulnerable without a sense of trust that you will not be betrayed. Other ways to build up fraternity and friendship: •Encouragement builds a sense of friendship. This can happen through speech, praying for one another or listening, challenging or being empathetic. •Service is a way to be Christ to one another. •Accountability helps to guard against temptation. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” •Confrontation helps to overcome problems that would otherwise breed mistrust, dissent or envy. •Investment of time and effort into relationships helps to build them up. Sexual desire is a good and natural thing. A desire to be sexually attractive and a good lover are good things. To be a slave to your sexuality is not a good thing. Sexuality is a precious gift from God, which many of us need to reclaim from the distortion and manipulation of what we have turned it into. The sad reality is, many of us have received our sexual formation from unreliable sources, such as the media, schoolyard gossip or worse still, pornography. Some of us have had our purity and innocence taken away by sexual abuse. If our sexuality is twisted it will take time to untie the knots, but it is something we must do to offer ourselves fully in a relationship. To give oneself in entirety, our sexual desires need to be in good order. The quest for purity is a battle. Regardless of your past, pornography, masturbation, fantasies, homosexuality, sexual abuse, making out, intercourse you can turn around and reclaim your sexuality and your purity through the grace of God, prayer and perseverance. You also need help, such as the support of other men pursuing the same goal.

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An examination of conscience for men •Boldness – will you take action? •Chastity – Do you have control of your sexuality? •Courage – Will you act despite your fear? •Endurance/Perseverance – Do you keep going when it gets tough? •Faithful/Loyal – Will you stand by those that you love? •Gentleness – Can you be gentle, even when delivering correction? •Honour – Do you give respect where it is due? •Hope – How often do you despair? •Humility – Are you comfortable with your strengths and weaknesses? •Integrity – Do you talk the talk and walk the walk? •Joy – Are you genuinely happy? •Justice – Do you value what is right? •Love- free, total, unconditional •Mercy/Compassion – To those in pain and those who have wronged you. •Patience – with yourself and others •Peace – in your heart and relationships •Prayer – Do you take things to God? •Proactive/Aggressive – Will you make the first move? •Prudence – Do you know where to draw the line? •Purity – Do you have control of your thought life? •Risk taking- Will you jump into the unknown? •Self Acceptance/Self Love- Are you ok with who you are? •Self control – Can you stop yourself? •Self Discipline – Do you take action to achieve your goals? •Self Sacrifice – Will you give up your preference for others? •Strength – Are you easily swayed? •Trust – Can you put your life in the hands of another? •Trustworthy – Would others put their life in your hands? •Truthful – Do you speak and live truth?

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•Vulnerability – Do you only share when it is easy?

Why live a pure life? As training in self mastery, living a pure life is a sure way to happiness as it sets you free to love rather than use. It calls us to remember friendship and forget lust. It is a stable foundation for a happy marriage. It brings integration, gratitude and joy, preparing us in faithfulness that is a reflection of God’s fidelity to his covenants. Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati said, “True happiness, dear friends, does not consist in the pleasures of the world or in earthly things, but in peace of conscience, which we have only if we are pure in heart and mind." The gift of one’s virginity is the most perfect present that you can give your spouse on your wedding day. On the day of your marriage, the most beautiful present you can give to your husband or wife is the fact that you have waited for them and kept your heart pure from sexual impurity. Brides wear white to signify their purity. Living a truly chaste life brings freedom, respect, friendship, security and romance. There are considerable dangers in engaging in pre marital sex. Condoms do not make you emotionally safe. Pre-marital sex can bring worry (about pregnancy or disease), regret, guilt, loss of self esteem/self respect, shaken trust, depression, corruption of character, damaged or ruined relationships, stunted personal development and negative consequences for marriages. On the other hand, waiting until marriage to have sex brings happier marriages later in life, a source of self respect, clear conscience, less pressure, greater respect from others, the wisdom of how to respect others, better sex in marriage, help in finding the right mate, the development of virtues, the ability to find a mate of good character.2 The sacrifice of resisting temptations is a gift and brings peace. God calls us to be “blameless 2

The Fourth and Fifth Rs: Respect and Responsibility, Volume 13, Issue 2, Fall 2007, Centre for the 4th and 5 Rs. Dr. Thomas Lickona. th

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and innocent, Children of God without blemish.” (Phil 2:15). If we hope in God, we make ourselves pure because God is pure (cf. 1 Jn 3:1-3). One young writer wrote, “the commandment to wait… promoted the greatest fulfilment in sex by paving the way for trust, emotional satisfaction, joy and passion unthreatened by mental battles. How good and intelligent the Creator is.”3 There is a way to protect yourself 100% physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is called chastity. How far is too far? A friend recently asked me, after meeting his girlfriend on the Catholic Unattached Directory, How far can you go with a girl? How far is too far? Can I do this? Can I do that? In the end I had to tell him he was looking at the issue from the wrong perspective. He was interested in how much he could take without crossing the line. And perhaps if he crossed it a couple of times, would it really be such an issue? I told him to imagine that her previous boyfriend was with her, how far would you be willing to see her to go with him, without feeling uneasy? Or perhaps imagine that Jesus and her father are present in the room when you and your girlfriend are together. St Augustine said what “food is to the health of man, intercourse is to the health of the race” (Augustine, The Good of Marriage 16.18, CSEL 41: 210-211). I’ve never been in a relationship where I have deliberately wanted to take my girlfriend further away from God. I have tried not to put my relationships in opposition to God’s plans and commands. Taking this into account it would be best to contemplate - how much can I give? Can I give my whole self? And in the full giving of self we truly find ourselves. There is a time for everything. In the book of Genesis (ch 29) we read about Jacob who waited 14 years for Rachel by working for her Father. In waiting we can test the spirits to see if they are from God.

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Josh Mcdowell, Why Wait: What you need to know about the teen sexuality crisis (Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, 1987), p244.

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Pornography: Wolves story. Flamingos. This vice trains the mind to expect instant sexual availability, looks to be physically flawless and devoid of any human or emotional content. This is a training in divorce as well as practice in mental polygamy. Honeymoon porn story.

Safe Sex – true or false? The message of safe sex- how effective are condoms? What about the side effects of the pill? I was about to play squash one day and on the radio I heard a government sponsored message: “Be safe, use a condom.” ‘Not much use while I’m playing squash,’ I thought to myself. Covering myself in latex is not exactly going to prevent me getting a knee injury. Of the 8 most widespread STDs, the condom only provides a limited protection against 2 of them for men only. For girls, the condom does not provide proper protection against any of the 8 most widespread STDs. None. Why is the government lying to us? There is no condom for the heart or the soul. The very heart of trying to make sex “safe” is a total contradiction in terms. Sex is supposed to be a total gift of self. “Protection” is normally an action against an enemy, not a closely beloved. A barrier in a relationship is a hindrance to communication and intimacy. Nobody wants a love life full of compromises, conditionality and concessions. Ultimately the message of ‘safe’ sex is hugely oxymoronic. This is because there is no form of premarital ‘safe’ sex, spiritually, physically or mentally. Full protection from pregnancy, disease or having your heart broken is impossible. No form of contraception is 100% effective, and our bodies are stubbornly protective of fertility, because the continuation of the species is too important. ‘Safe’ sex is not safe for the soul. Condoms offer little or no protection against the deadly Human papillomavirus. Given oral sex can transmit virtually every STD is it ideological that governments continue to promote this farcical message?

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And who wants to become another statistic? Who wants to add another number to the 200,000 abortions we have in the country, the 121,986 cases of Gonorrea in 2007, the rise in Syphilis of 1,499% between 1995-2004. --patronizing assertion that people can’t control themselves- so devised a way of controlling you. -- basically telling you that you are not good enough and shouldn’t even try. The message of so called ‘safe’ sex and not ‘safer’ sex is devastating and dangerous. It is medically inaccurate and insulting to women. It generates a false sense of security encouraging risky behaviour and reduces the understanding of sex to purely genital. Sex has more consequences than a condom could ever protect against. The message of ‘safe’ sex is an absolute joke. Sex is not safe, but involves the complete gift of self to another person. ‘safe’ sex misleads people about the biological, spiritual and emotional effects of sex. Such a message is patronising and insulting to teenagers. Effectively, it communicates to young people, “I have no confidence in you.” Being neutered by drugs is one way of repressing your fertility. When we set the standards high and if fact say: save sex until marriage, we give a new generation the confidence to believe in themselves and to live for something greater. Living for greatness is what God calls us to do. And as our bodies are temples of the holy spirit, we are called to glorify God with our bodies. Immorality or impurity should not even be mentioned among us. Honouring women…. Affirming the dignity of women and showing respect. •Women are the Daughters of the king of heaven. •The real sign of the decline of a civilization is when women do not blush anymore. Women have the ability to have more 2 or more souls in their bodies at the same time. Incredible! The miracle of life- is truly incredible. Either everything or nothing is a miracle.

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Woman have capacity to carry and nurture life within them. A treasure that men do not have. Women are princesses of the king. Have incredible dignity from God. Apex of creation. Satan is real- not just a cartoon character or bogey man the Catholic Church invented. He plans to attack the image of God in creation. If marriage is one of the least inadequate ways of describing God’s love for us, then surely Satan will desire to attack this great image of God’s love for us. Am I enough I am a man Search for manhood prove he is a man God = you are a man that is the way the man Father – first. Strong worthy, Relationship with other men- test ourselves with other men, other men Women – cannot tell us how to be a man. Brokenness is not equal to sinfulness. We are earthenware vessels. Treasure in clay jays. 2 Cor 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you. Made glad in weakness. Brokenness taken great shape over nature. Lie – Christianity deliver me God wants to bring you from perfection. Truth – needs God’s grace Man’s physical identity: image of God. Body to glorify God, self esteem, comparison, competition. Man’s sexual identity: sexual desire a good and natural thing Slave to desires.

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Precious gift from God – need to be reminded. Where to get training from. Purity innocence taken away from us. Unwillingness to enter into battlefield. Only exist- turn around prayer and perseverance – support of other men. The model: sharing in his suffering. Best model in how to be man: Jesus Confident but not arrogant. Loving not being sappy Submissive without being soft Imitate and reflect around Leaving you an example. Inherent dignity as man’s son. I am a responsible young man The parents of my girlfriend, place their trust in me. I will not violate it. I will respect my girlfriend as I expect other men to respect my sister. I will respect womanhood because my mother is a woman: I will not ask my girlfriend to do anything that I would be ashamed of if my mother or father found out. My girlfriend has given me honour and pleasure of her company. It is wrong for me to expect more in payment for this date. My girlfriend will be a wife and mother some day She must be an example to her children and the pride of her husband. I will help her to be pure and decent as I want my own wife to be. Manhood means strength of character as well as body. Lack of self control is a sign of weakness. I want my girlfriend to know I am manly. God is everywhere. He sees everything. He knows everything.

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Darkness may hide me from people, But cannot hide me from God. If through my lack of self control, I should get a girl friend pregnant, I will not put pressure on her to kill our unborn child.

Talk 3: Marriage, Family life and Vocation talk Which is the more realistic vision of sex and the human person: Bloodhound Gang, “The bad touch:” You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel.” Or Cardinal Carlo Martini, “In the Bible, the man-woman couple is not meant to be simply a preservation of the species, as is the case for the other animals. Insofar as it was called to become the image and likeness of God, it expresses in a bodily, tangible way, the face of God, which is love.” St Francis de Sales said that “If two pieces of wood are carefully glued together, their union will be so close that it is easier to break them in some fresh place than where they were joined; and God so united man and wife, that it is easier to sever soul and body than those two.” Prayer Book of Song of Songs, Saint Nonnus and Saint Pelagia, Tobit. St Bernard once observed that it is only when a reservoir fills up with water can it then overflow into the valleys and fields surrounding it. When we are full of God’s love and overflowing then we are able to give it to others.

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Salvador Dali: The only way to make love is as a sacrament. Erotic love poetry in the Bible: Song of songs There is one book in the Bible that St Thomas Aquinas asked to have read to him on his death bed. That books was the song of songs. One person described such writing as a book of erotic love poetry – those training to be rabbis in years past were not allowed to read the material in fear that it might offend their ears. The book starts with a yearning for an embrace: “O that you would kiss me with the kisses of your mouth!” (1:1). The writing oozes with scintillating analogies, similes and cravings as the author is ‘sick with love.’ (2:5). The imagery of love is vivid and alive as the writer proclaims: “My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag,” (2:9) and “Your hair is like a flock of goats, moving down the slopes of Gilead.” (4:1). The author’s heart is ravished (4:9) for the sake of his beloved, whom he also calls a sister and bride. The author lovingly describes his lover’s anatomy in a litany of praise, “Your neck is like an ivory tower, your rounded thighs are like jewels.” (7:4, 1). For those who are reluctant to read the Bible because they perceive it to be boring, this book is the perfect introduction! SAINT NONNUS AND SAINT PELAGIA Once upon a time 1500 hundred years ago, there was a Bishop called Nonnus. Despite the corruption of society all around him, he understood that God was all powerful and on whom all rested. God has designed life and therefore it was beautiful. One day Bishop Nonnus was walking down the road with another clergyman. A beautiful woman, probably a prostitute came walking towards them. The clergyman turned away his eyes in order not to lust after the woman. He then turned his eyes towards the Bishop and saw that he was tearful. He realised that Nonnus had not turned away his gaze, rather he had looked straight at the prostitute. He was somewhat ruffled and concerned, then he asked him, "Brother Bishop, why did you not turn away your eyes from this woman?" Nonnus replied, "What a tragedy it is that such beauty

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would be sold to the lusts of men." This took the clergyman by complete surprise and even the woman herself. Later the woman found Nonnus and due to his loving response, had a conversion to Christianity. She had an encounter of piercing love in Nonnus' simple, chaste look. This woman is now known as Saint Pelagia. Today we are realising how to invite the author of life into our love life! THE BOOK OF TOBIT There is a wonderful story in the book of Tobit. Tobias prays that he may have nobility in his marriage because it is based on stable foundations. This is a wondrous bedtime prayer. ”When the girl's parents left the bedroom and closed the door behind them, Tobias arose from bed and said to his wife, "My love, get up. Let us pray and beg our Lord to have mercy on us and to grant us deliverance." She got up, and they started to pray and beg that deliverance might be theirs. He began with these words: "Blessed are you, O God of our fathers; praised be your name forever and ever. Let the heavens and all your creation praise you forever. You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve to be his help and support; and from these two the human race descended. You said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a partner like himself.' Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine not because of lust, but for a noble purpose. Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age." They said together, "Amen, amen," (Tobit 8:4-9, NAB). VOCATION: Father Mike Scanlan said that, “Your life vocation is a like a treasure buried in a field, the pearl of great price. The grace is in the calling. Pursue it at whatever cost.” His words are based on the Matthew 13:44-6:

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"The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field, which a person finds and hides again, and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant searching for fine pearls. When he finds a pearl of great price, he goes and sells all that he has and buys it." As part of Jesuit training in some provinces, novices are given a one way bus ticket, no money or phone for a month. They go and help the poor and 'beg' their way back home. This is the Jesuit pilgrimage, a tradition that dates back to the 1500s when Saint Ignatius travelled solo with a similar trust in God's providence as he considered his direction in life. It is amazing how far you can get relying on the generosity and kindness of others! I believe that there are two things are not normally considered when discerning a vocation. The first is the hidden life of Jesus. We are told very little about the first thirty years of the life of Christ, especially after his childhood. Blessed Charles de Foucauld travelled to the Holy Land in his life in order “to be one with Jesus, to reproduce his life . . . to imitate as perfectly as possible our Lord’s hidden life.” He lived out the 'hidden life' of Nazareth in his poverty, contemplation and obscurity. Jesus did not begin his public ministry until he was thirty. St Paul spent about 3 years in the wilderness after his conversion. St Benedict also had a long period of praying and fasting prior to founding his monastery. MIKE SCANLAN Fr Michael Scanlan in ‘What does God want?’ provides some practical ways to make decisions. The 5 Cs can provide us with clarity with discernment. These are: conformity, conversion, consistency, confirmation and conviction. Scanlon also talks of courage meaning to act with the heart. Jesus tells us, “Have courage, for I have conquered the world.” (Jn 16:33). He quotes John Henry Newman on how certainty can be present at the same time as a risk of failure: “Our duty as Christians lies in making ventures for eternal life without the absolute certainty of success… This indeed, is the very meaning of the word ‘venture’; for that is a strange venture which has nothing in it of fear, risk, danger, anxiety, uncertainty. Yes, so

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it certainly is’ and in this consists the excellence and nobleness of faith, this is the very reason why faith is singled out from other graces, and honoured as the especial means of our justification, because its presence implies that we have the heart to make a venture.” Scanlon mentions that indecision could be a call to lay a new spiritual foundation in your life and sometimes God lets us experience being adrift so that he will catch our attention and we will be led to a deeper life with him so we can hear him better. Cardinal Newman: “God has created me to do him some definite service; he has committed some work to me which he has not committed to another. I have my mission – I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do his work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place while not intending it- if I do but keep his commandments. Therefore I will trust him. Whatever, wherever I am. I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends; He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me – still He knows what he is about.” Newman says that each person has their own talents which nobody else on earth is capable of doing. We are not mere islands as persons, but must interacts and engage as best as possible with all those around, in the best Christian fashion. Even when life can seem to be unworthwhile, God is still there to comfort us and does not forget us. He saw that true religion based in the heart. He understood that God creates a purpose and a plan for our lives regardless of our abilities. God does not require us to be successful but rather to be faithful first. (mother Theresa). God does not demand the impossible from us, but to cooperate with him is

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likely to give you happiness. We find this when we are seeking and loving what is true and good. Challenge is to discover what you are being called to be and do. Not easy, God not in the telephone directory. How can you know and how can you have the commitment for your vocation? Vocations must always involve commitment and sacrifice- in a healthy and honest manner this can be a good thing. In order to love we need to be able to put ourselves at risk, to open ourselves to be vulnerable and not to be too defensive. Jesus chose the ‘B’ team. Not the most talented, but those willing to be faithful. We must all ask the questionsHow can I serve God? How can I serve God better in my life? How do you know your calling? God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. God chooses the weak and makes them strong. Some people do not consider themselves worthy to do God’s work because they made bad decisions in the past. But God calls all sorts of people, even from the most unlikely backgrounds. Moses was a murderer and had a stutter. St Paul, a tentmaker, went around persecuting Christians zealously before his conversion. Mary was not even married. Jonah had no desire to preach the word of God and ran away. St Augustine had a concubine and child for over a decade and had joined the sect of the Manichees. St John Vianney barely had the intelligence to pass the seminary exams. St Francis came from a wealthy background. For many, the call of God brings also a great reluctance. The attempt to run away from God’s call does not find us peace. St Thomas Aquinas desired to become a Dominican monk. He left Naples and started traveling to Rome, to fulfil his desire. His family was very upset, and his brothers actually kidnapped him on the way to Rome and dragged him back to his father's castle, where his father kept Aquinas locked up for more than a year to try to convince him to change his mind. Finally the Pope said Aquinas' father had to let him go, and Thomas Aquinas, now 17 years old, rode to Rome and became a Dominican monk.

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Pope John Paul II said, “The search and discovery of God’s will for you is a deep and fascinating endeavour. Every vocation, every path to which Christ calls us, ultimately leads to fulfillment and happiness, because it leads to God, to sharing in God’s own life.” Mother Theresa says: Do it anyway! Mother Theresa says: People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway. What gets in the way of a vocation? Father Stephen Wang, lists the following obstacles: Worry, anxiety, noise busyness, overwork, not praying , not living your faith, sin, worldliness, addictive behaviours, avoiding the question of vocation, fear of commitment, desire for certainty, fear of your own inadequacy, attachment to personal ambition or lifestyle, fear of failure, conflicting desires, desire for perfection, age, opposition from people you love, opposition from the culture and society, a long term relationship that is drifting, fear of not having a family. By being the best person you can be, Padre Pio says “Pray, hope and don’t worry!” God chooses the weak and makes them strong!

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Time in prayer, reflection and discussion with a trusted person. silence in prayer can help discerning. “man can only grow and realize his vocation in relation to others.” (CSDC 149). Our own freewill, God invites us on a journey of discovery to see that we can serve him openly in freedom and truth. JP2 “Every vocation, every path to which Christ calls us, ultimately leads to fulfilment and happiness, because it leads to God, to sharing in God’s own life.” Celibacy – means one is able to give you whole heart to God. If he has called us to the religious life or priesthood celibacy will mean committed to God with an undivided heart. Lord, give us generous giving hearts Send more labourers into the harvest. Everyone is called to a vocation: a place or state of life in which God wishes a person to work. To know one's particular vocation is often difficult. One's good inclinations, the opportunities of the moment, the needs of the Church and society, one's talents and accomplishments - these and many other factors may be indications from God of a vocation. Only with prayer for light and with good spiritual direction can the decision about one's vocation be made prudently. For a certainty God calls you, and calls strongly. With hindsight your life's work will seem obvious. Enjoy your searching. Do not be frustrated or hurried. Be aware that your calling will often include suffering and personal loss; all life does. Be courageous. Renew your vocation with thanks in prayer every day. Immitate Pope John Paul II to whom the looking for, revealing and the living of his vocation was a blossoming love affair with God. Like him bank on finding your joy and sustenance in the Eucharist; it does reside there.

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Prayer: St Ignatius said, receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, my entire will, all that I possess. You have given it all to me; to you, O Lord, now I return it; all is yours, dispose of me wholly according to your will. Give me only your love and grace, for that is enough for me

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