200812 Newsletter

QUEENSLAND BUSHWALKERS CLUB Inc. Newsletter

74 Kallista Rd. Rochedale South QLD 4123 Email [email protected] Phone No (07) 3341 7509 www.geocities.com/qldbwc

December 2008

Flinders Peak

Club News Notice of General Meeting

Grant Acknowledgement

Motion - That the current (latest) Model Rules be adopted by the Club.

Recently QBW applied for a grant to seek funding in order to purchase 5 of the newer PLB's to replace our current ones which will become obsolete in February 2009. The “Improving Safe Walking in the Bush” project aimed to build on a successful grant application by the Club to the Gambling Community Benefit Fund back in 2005.

3 February 2009 A General Meeting will be held on 3 February 2009 at the Little King's Hall, Buranda, starting at 7.30pm for voting on the following Special Resolutions to amend the Club's Association Rules.

QBW is happy to announce that the application was successful.

Motion - That an additional class of member, being Junior Member be included in our Rules. All members will receive written notice by email or post about the proposed amendments to the Club's Association Rules. More information of the proposed amendments plus a copy of the Club's Rules and the proposed New Rules is on the website at http://www.geocities.com/qldbwc/aboutus/latestnews.html

The project was proudly funded by the Queensland Government's Gambling Community Benefit Fund. QBW has purchased 5 PLB's from the $2,700 grant money plus $300 out of its own funds. The PLB's purchased are the GME MT410 with inbuilt GPS.

PLB's

For a Special Resolution to be passed, it will require 75% majority of the votes of members present at the meeting.

Xmas Party 5 December 2008 to 7 December 2008 Information, Program and Directions on how to get to the "House of Happiness" is inside the Newsletter on Page 3.

There was some discussion at the November QBW committee meeting on how the PLB's would be made available to members. Finally the following motion was agreed on: "At least 3 PLB's are to be available for Club walks/pre-outings at all times.

If you have a Christmas tree and able to bring it to the Christmas Party please contact Traci on 3890 8196. Also if anyone can bring Christmas decorations, please contact Traci.

Up to 2 PLB's may be made available to members for non-Club walks provided such allocation does not prevent a PLB being taken on a Club activity where a PLB is necessary or requested by a Leader for a Club walk."

Walks Planning Day

16 November 2008 Twelve Club members attended the Walks Planning Day and BBQ at Dave Kenrick's house. Dark clouds and rain forced the meeting to be held under shelter in the garage but luckily the big storm that hit Brisbane spared us at Holland Park.

The PLB's will be made available at the Club meetings. Contact Richard at 3341 7509 for more information.

Maps and brochures on walks in the National Parks and forests near Brisbane were available. Members were able to browse through them to get inspiration for possible walks.

As usual this December Newsletter edition has an additional 2 pages of jokes. Many thanks to those members who emailed me articles and jokes during the year.

This was followed by a BBQ enjoyed by all. Many thanks to Lynne Kenrick for being the perfect hostess, supplying the drinks and munchies for the hungry hordes.

A reminder that there is no Newsletter or Club meeting in January. The next Club meeting is on Tuesday night February 3rd 2009. The next Newsletter will be available a few days prior.

From the Editor Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

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General Information

The Management Committee

Meeting Place

President

Patricia Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

Club meetings are on the first Tuesday of the month starting at 7.30PM. There is no Club meeting in January.

Vice President

Margaret Rae

3395 1838 (H)

Secretary

Sandra Thomas

3711 4134 (H)

Meeting are held at the Little King's Hall on the corner of Carl and O'Keefe Streets, Buranda. Entry is via the gate on Carl St.

Treasurer

John Hinton

3343 3724 (H)

Outings Officer

David Kenrick

3349 8238 (H)

Membership Officer

Frank Garland

3341 5207 (H)

There is parking within the grounds and in Carl Street. Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits are provided after the meeting. A coin donation would be appreciated.

Editor

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

Membership

Social Secretary

Traci Nudl

3890 8196 (H)

Before a visitor can go on a walk, he/she must be a Member (Probationary or Ordinary) or be a member of an affiliated club.

Training Officer

Stuart Mackay

3890 8196 (H)

Membership fee is $30.00 and lasts till the end of the Club’s financial year which is on the 30th of June each year.

Other Voluntary Positions Equipment Officer

John Brunott

3209 9598 (H)

Probationary Membership

Supper Convenor

Mary Sherlock

3209 8514 (H)

A non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Member on his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is no fee payable to become a Probationary Member.

BWQ Rep

Stuart Mackay

3890 8196 (H)

BWQ Rep

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

However a Probationary Member must become an Ordinary Member on his/her second walk by filling out a membership form and paying the membership fee.

Campsite Monitors John Brunott

Ballows, Paddys Knob

Ordinary Membership

Kerry de Clauzel

A person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out a membership form and handing the form to a committee member or walk leader and paying the membership fee.

Throakban, Barney Gorge and Lower Portals

Ann Kemp

Spicers Peak (east & west)

Richard Kolarski

Running Creek Falls

An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or be elected to a committee position. A Probationary Member has neither of these rights.

Barbara Makepeace

Rat-a-tat, Spicers/Doubletop saddle

John Shera

Panorama Point

Members of Another Bushwalking Club

John & Julie Shera

Mt Superbus & Rabbit Fence Jct Lower Panorama

Members of another bushwalking club which is affiliated with Bushwalking Queensland Inc (or an interstate Federation) and who are covered by the same Insurance do not need to become a member of our Club to go on our walks. However they have no rights of an Ordinary Member.

Editors Pic

Club Equipment Free Use By Members Compasses

PLBs

Emergency Lights

First Aid Kits

Topo Maps

UHF Radios

GPS's

Sunmap CD’s

Contact David at 3395 1838 or [email protected] Rough-scaled snake seen in the Border Ranges

For Hire Abseil Gear There is a $5.00 charge for use of the Club rope and another $5.00 charge for use of harness and accessories. Back Pack There is a $5.00 charge for hire of the back pack.

It is also called the Clarence River snake and is found in isolated pockets along the coast of Queensland and northern New South Wales. It is usually found close to water and is active during the day, feeding on frogs and mice. The scales have raised longitudinal ridges forming prominent and distinctive keels down the body, hence the name roughscaled snake.

Contact Trevor at 0411 512 202

For Sale Bivy Bags $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00 These bivy bags are 2 metres by 0.9 metres and are bright orange in colour. Use as a pack liner or emergency bivy bag. Space Blankets $2.50 each. Light weight and take up no room at all. A must for all walkers! Ring Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509.

The Rough-scaled snake (Tropidechis carinatus) is usually greenish brown with dark bands on the back. Its length is about 0.7 m to 1 m.

The Rough-scaled snake is considered to be aggressive and may strike rapidly when provoked. Several fatalities have occurred as a result of envenomation by this species. It is sometimes mistaken for the harmless keel back snake (Tropidechis mairii). The moral of the story is to leave all snakes alone. Don't bet your life that it's a harmless snake!

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"Improving Safe Walking in the Bush" Project

QBW Xmas Party WHEN: Friday 5th Dec (from 5.00pm) – Sunday 7th Dec (12.00) WHERE: “House of Happiness” 2 Clement St., Woorim (on the ocean side of Bribie Island).

Proudly Funded By

COST: $30 – please book and pay at the Club meeting or call me. An extra $30-50 for kayaking if desired (please book ASAP to avoid disappointment). BRING: Bed linen, pillow, towel, toiletries, swimmers, walking or kayaking gear and sun protection for the beach. The Club will provide meat for the Saturday night BBQ, otherwise bring all your own meals. Please bring a plate for the Sat night BBQ eg salad/dessert for all to share. Contact Linda on suggestions on what food to bring. PROGRAM Friday 5.00pm

5 x GME MT410 with GPS were purchased. This PLB is Australian made, has a 7 year battery replacement life plus a 7 year warranty. It weighs 250 grams with dimensions of 135 mm (H) x 71 mm (W) x 38 mm (D) It activates automatically when the antenna is deployed, producing a digital 406 MHz, 5 Watt transmission plus 121.5 MHz homing signal. With the GPS it gives a position accuracy to within 45 metres typically.

Coming Special Events Fraser Island B/C & T/W 9-13 February 2009 Base camping at Central Station with optional overnight camp at Lake Mackenzie. Taxi transport from ferry so no heavy pack carrying.

BYO supper.

Saturday Organise own breakfast/lunches 9.00am

Meet in the hall for walks/kayaking.

5.00pm

Drinks/nibblies in the courtyard

6.00pm BBQ in the courtyard with a Beach Party theme. Come along in your beach party gear for the BBQ to add a sense of style and fun. 8.00pm Announcement of the winners of the photo competition and best dressed. Sunday

Nominate by 31/12/2008 to Patricia on 3341 7509.

Nepal Trekking 2009

Open for all to check in.

7.00pm Slides videos in the Hall. Bring along your favourite slides and photos, digital or print. The Club will have the projector and big screen to show your snaps. Also TV/DVD/ Video player available for use in the hall.

Organise own breakfast May 2009

I have booked a trek in the Everest region in Nepal starting in Kathmandu on 1 May 2009. There are a few spaces available if anyone is interested to join in. There are 2 options: a 2 week moderate trek to Thyangboche Monastery with sightseeing and free time in Kathmandu, or a 3 week challenging trek including Everest Base Camp and Gokyo Valley. Contact Gail Cibilic, Ph: 5546 8189 or

9.00am

Games in the yard (Boules and Volleyball)

11.30am

Clean up premises for departure by 2.00pm

DIRECTIONS Travel north along the Bruce Highway and take the Bribie exit (just after the Caboolture exit) and circle around to go over the overpass. Follow the signs to Bribie and go over the Bribie Bridge (Pumicestone passage).

e-mail: [email protected]

Annapurna

October 2009

In 2007 five QBW walkers went on a Everest Base Camp and Gokyo trek with Saran Suba. You may have read or heard that this trip was highly regarded by all, partly due to Saran's expertise and ever thoughtful guidance. I am planning on returning to Nepal to do the Annapurna Circuit in October, 2009, again using Saran as guide. It will be a 24 day journey, including getting to and from the Annapurna area. The number of trekking days is approximately 16 (there are two rest days) The trek distance is 228km with maximum altitude 5416m. Saran is able to be flexible in the itinerary. If you would like to know more please go to Saran's website: www.questropix.com.

The Road to Happiness

If you are interested in coming on this walk please contact me: [email protected] or ph 3395 1838 Margie Rae

New Members As at 25/11/2008 we have 82 financial members

Follow the signs to Woorim along Goodwin Dr and then First Ave to the ocean side of the island. Go to the end of First Ave and turn left. Take the third left into Sixth Ave and first right into Clement St. House of Happiness is immediately on your left. Please drive carefully and call Linda on mobile 0409 343945 if geographically embarrassed.

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Past Walks Mt Edwards

21 September 2008

There were nine of us for this walk. After meeting at Aratula we proceeded to Moogerah Dam to don our walking boots and commence our walk by crossing the dam wall to access the start of the track. The day was fine and sunny with the promise of a hot day to come. We began ascending the mountain and upon reaching the open rock slab with views back to Moogerah Dam we disturbed a goanna who had been sunning itself there. As we approached, the goanna moved off behind a large rock before reappearing again and demonstrating its skill by climbing a tree for us.

From the time you leave the carpark, it’s uphill all the way to the top, although some bits are less steep than others. It was quite a warm day, so we took our time with plenty of stops to catch breath or have a drink. The route follows a distinct rocky ridge for much of the way with many great views to be had, especially at the top. The steepness of the terrain and the varying levels of fitness and ability amongst us caused the group to spread out a fair bit, but we all re-grouped for a snack break at one of the look-out spots and again to help each other up a slightly more tricky bit towards the top. After enjoying the great views and some well-earned rest at the top, it was downhill all the way back to the picnic area where we gathered in the shade for a late lunch. Thanks to all who came along.

Helen McAllister

Northbrook Mountain

12 October 2008

A group of 11 walkers met at Maiala at 7AM on Sunday, 12 October, before car-pooling the 2 kilometres to the start of the walk at Lawton Road. The early start was designed to beat the expected heat of the day, but there wasn't any. Most of us began the walk with vests or jackets on. An easy walk down Lawton Road brought us to the foot of Northbrook Mountain, then up we went. The off-track ascent was only a little bit rough, especially at the top where there were lots of rocks.

Mt Edwards

After a short break here to get our breaths back and have a drink, we continued our ascent with several drink breaks along the way. It was becoming very hot and humid even though most of the time the track was shaded by tree cover. After approximately an hour and a half we reached the summit for a very welcome morning tea break and some great views. We spent a very pleasant half hour or so at the summit before packing up our gear and heading back down the track the way we had come. We reached the dam wall roughly an hour later. Walking back across the dam wall we looked down at the water and were surprised to see many large turtles swimming in the dam. The area surrounding Moogerah Dam is looking great and healthy with an abundance of birds around and much higher water levels than the last time I was there 12 months ago. By the time we arrived back at the cars it was very hot and my vehicle (which was partly in shade) indicated the outside temperature was 31 degrees. We then returned to Aratula for lunch before heading home. As this was my first walk as a "Leader" I thank my fellow walkers who supported me on this walk. Regards

Flinders Peak

Lynne Cavanagh 27 September 2008

This mountain was apparently named after Matthew Flinders who noticed it as he sailed through Moreton Bay many years ago. At around 679m, it dominated the plains and smaller peaks surrounding it. Today it still stands out in the area between Ipswich and Boonah, and as the highest peak around, it was the obvious choice for the placement of a communications tower on top. This Club walk had been scheduled a few weeks previously, but lack of interest caused it to be cancelled (well it was Father’s Day!). This time around, twelve of us participated in the walk, including a few who were fairly new to the Club. For those who don’t have a lot of time, this walk is great value. It’s fairly close to Brisbane , so there are no long drives to reach it, and the walk itself is less than 7km long. However, it still manages to give the lungs and leg muscles a good workout.

Northbrook Mountain

The view from the top would have been spectacular, except for the fog! We couldn't see anything. As compensation though, the moist conditions brought out the best in the greenery. All sorts of mosses, vines, ferns and orchids were flourishing, which was a bit of a treat since a previous visit brought recollections of the area being a lot drier, browner and dustier. After morning tea at the Northbrook summit, we followed the forest road to a side track which took us to Eagle's Nest which offered less foggy views into Northbrook Gorge. Lunch at Eagle's Nest was a bit early, but it would have been close to noon, Sydney time. The return walk up Lawton Road warmed us up considerably and we all appreciated the cooler conditions. Regards

Girraween

Nev. 18 October 2008

Girraween is renowned for its spectacular granite landscapes and wildflowers. Both of which we saw plenty of on our through walk to slip rock. Slip Rock is a massive rock slab to the north of the second pyramid and can be reached easily on a day walk. On this occasion I wanted to take in the experience of camping out in Kitchener Cave which is situated on the north western side.

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Leaving Castle Rock car park at 8 am on Saturday morning, seven of us headed along the track to pyramid one. Once we emerged from the tree line we traversed on the western side past a large cave and then between the two pyramids and on around to the northern side of pyramid two. As time was on our side a leisurely morning tea was at a large rock outcrop before descending a short gully to traverse up to Slip Rock.

Getting people up and down the rope to negotiate these slabs was the biggest delaying factor of the day. After this it was a rapid ascent to the summit with a little more scrambling and we had a long one and a half hour lunch on top enjoying the views. Turtle Rock, Ship Stern, Ballanjui Falls, Numinbah Valley, and Springbrook are all features of the scenery from the summit. We were able to watch several processions of vintage car clubs from the summit in the distance with the aid of binoculars. This walk is recommended in future for people wanting to move beyond track walking and who don't mind a little scrambling. It is probably the equivalent of doing Mt Tibrogargan with the exception of the trick slab. More details can be found at http://www.geocities.com/qld_bwc/seq/egg_rock.htm Thanks to all who came.

David

Mt Goolman

26 October 2008

Nine of us met at 7.30am at Yamanto McDonalds, after successfully negotiating a series of major roadworks en route. Pyramid 2 from Slip Rock

Kitchener Cave can be a little hard to find as you have to make your way through cracks and boulder alley ways and after awhile all the huge boulders tend to look the same. But with Linda’s help we only had to look for about 10-15 minutes before we found our home for the night. After lunch we explored over the large slabs of slip rock with Linda showing us the “slip” on the eastern face. Three of us then descended off the northern face down to a four wheel drive track and onto the creek. Water was only in pools and not flowing so for future trekkers always carry enough water in.

Following a ten minute drive, our walk commenced from Hardings Paddock Picnic Area. The picnic area with shelter sheds, dam, short Bush Tucker Trail and toilets is extremely well maintained by the Ipswich City Council. Separate horse yards and paddocks cater for trail riders wishing to access horse trails in the area. We started on a fairly steep uphill on the Gamlen Circuit, and passed through the first of some very useful multi purpose gates which, in addition to an adjacent turnstile, also had a latch within reach for mounted riders. After a rest stop to admire the view at Rocky Knoll Lookout, we continued along the shady Teviot Range forest road through eucalypt woodland.

Kitchener Cave

Girraween is a great place to watch the sunset, and with wine in hand we all did this from a fantastic view point above our cave. Our trek back to the car park took about 2.5 hours and was incident free except for Helen getting up close and personal with a number of rocks and trees. David Rae

Egg Rock

19 October 2008

Egg Rock is now made easier and more pleasant these days due to the Gold Coast Hinterland Great walk which is now followed down and along Nixon Ck. A little further along the well used four wheel drive track, the road crosses Nixon Ck. It is from this point that six QBW walkers stopped for a break and a little reconnoitre. Last time I came here there was a little confusion about finding the way up but Ken Walters cleared this up by positively identifying the walking pad up the side Ck on the South side of Egg Rock. About ten minutes up this side creek a rock cairn was reached where we left to find a large rock slab - the main challenge of the day. I was sent up with rope to secure the ascent and there were a few hairy sections where thoughts of exposure had to be actively replaced with happy thoughts.

Mt Goolman

Reaching our morning tea stop at Goolman Lookout was a welcome break after a uphill walk, and we enjoyed panoramic views of the surrounding countryside and distant hills. From the lookout, a very pleasant track led along a ridge back down to the forest road. A short distance on we were pleased to find the pink tape that marked the start of the trail from the road up Mt Goolman. Thanks to previous walkers, we were able to enjoy a fairly clear path through the sections of lantana, and climbed to the top for a well deserved early lunch with Flinders Peak in the background. Retracing our steps on an alternate road, we admired carpets of purple ground cover lantana among the trees. We didn't realise at the time how prolific this beautiful "weed" was, until driving back to Yamanto for coffee, we saw how it had completely taken over many grazing areas. Many thanks to Patricia for backing my first very enjoyable walk, and to Judy, Noelene, Lyn, John, Bruce, Helen and Maggie for the pleasure of their company. Gail

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Larapinta Trail

July 2008

Part Two

Saturday 12 July

Ormiston Gorge to Ellery Creek

Heavy Tree Range to Serpentine Chalet Dam (17.5 km)

Sunrise in the morning was just as spectacular. After breakfast we shook out our tents, shouldered our packs and soldiered on. The descent from the range was steep and we had to take care with our footing. At the base we entered a gorge but the regular campsite, Waterfall Gorge was a bare, dry, dusty patch of sand. We had had a much better campsite up on the ridge. The track slowly led us up and down along a narrow valley. Along the way the rocks had been turned vertical like knife edges. The landscape was like nothing we had seen before. Wednesday 9 July

Ormiston Gorge

Arriving at Ormiston Gorge we picked up our food drop from the locked shelter. By now we had an idea on what was and wasn't necessary and we were able to put in the shelter extraneous bits of clothing and other gear, to be picked up at the end of the trip in Alice Springs.

The trail then turned sharply to the south, entering Inarlanga Pass. Here we saw Cycads for the first time. They were an amazing site, something you did not expect to see in the middle of the desert.

We did the short walk down to the waterhole in the afternoon and spotted a rock wallaby in the surrounding cliffs. In the evening we attended a talk and slide show by the rangers on the animal inhabitants and their habitats. Thursday 10 July 2008

Ormiston Pound Circuit (7 km)

This was our rest day so no need to pack up the tent. With just our day packs we did the Ormiston Pound circuit at a leisurely pace. MacDonnell Ranges Cycad

The track through the Pass was a bit tricky though. We had to negotiate a narrow ledge to get around a waterfall ledge with a heavy pack and it was not an easy task. Leaving the Pass we followed the trail eastwards. The final kilometre to our campsite seemed more like two. I still had some energy to go and see the old dam built may years before. It was in disrepair and largely silted up. Sunday 13 July

Ormiston Pound

The track initially climbed up to the sides of the Pound and here we rested under a small tree to take in the sights. It was a clear day and the views stretched far to the horizon. We could see how the Pound had got its name. The central valley area was almost completely surrounded by cliffs. The trail then led onto the flat floor of the Pound and through the Gorge. In the middle of the day the red walls of the Gorge glowed as if on fire. In sharp contrast, the white Ghost Gums hung onto the sides of the cliff with their long roots extracting water from underneath the ground many metres below.

Serpentine Chalet Dam to Serpentine Gorge (13.4 km)

This day was one of the highlights of the whole trip. After another steady walk up to the top of Heavy Tree Range we arrived at Counts Point which has arguably the best views along the whole trail. We spent quite some time here taking photos but none can do it justice. In all directions was the dramatic landscape of Central Australia. Millennia old ranges shaped by geological turmoil and worn down by time had a beauty and grace hard to describe. We could only observe and be captivated by it.

Back at our campsite we prepared for our big day tomorrow. We were planning on camping the following night up on a ridge away from water. Thus beside carrying our food for five days we had to carry at least an extra 5 litres of water. Friday 11 July

Ormiston Gorge to Heavy Tree Range (11 km)

It was an early start to avoid the heat of the day. With our heavy packs we walked along the base of the range for a few kilometres. Then the ascent began. After many rest stops we finally reached the the top of the ridge.

Counts Point

Following the top of the ridge for a couple of kilometres we found a campsite scratched out of earth. After putting up our tents we had time to rest and explore. The views from both sides of the ridge were absolutely stupendous. Mt Giles dominated the view to the north while to the south we could see the “Caterpillar” range on the other side of Namatjira Drive.

Monday 14 July Serpentine Gorge to Ellery Creek (13.8 km)

In the evening we enjoyed a wonderful sunset but it was followed by a cold night. After observing the stars and seeing a few satellites it was time to crawl into warm sleeping bags.

Along the way we passed an old Trig post and crossed over a stile straddling a fence before coming to our next camp site and food drop at Ellery Creek. (To be continued) Richard

This day was a long continuous walk up and down small hills. It was in contrast to the other days of walking where the trail had avoided unnecessary uphill sections. The trail though had been built specifically to encompass a variety of walking and terrain and it prevented each day from being just like the one before.

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Man and Woman

Vocabulary For The Workplace

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman before marriage & after marriage. Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy? No, neither did I. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 kilograms.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife "what's the problem?" She responds " My husband suffers from bad breath." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well no, not exactly. She suffers, not me."

A Pun! My Word! 1. Two vultures board an air plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two weevils grew up in the country. One went to the big city and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the country and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. A pirate wearing two gorgeous hoop earnings walks into a tavern. All the other pirates marvel and exclaim their jealousy one of them asks: "How much did ye pay fer those?" The pirate responds: "Arrr....a buck an ear..." 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

New Addition to the Periodic Table Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Some Old Jokes

Good Signs

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!”

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

One elderly gentlemen and a woman from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really!? Like a newborn baby!?” “Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know. The one that's red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit, please back in.

On another Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On a Church's Bill board: 7 days without God makes one weak. At a Tire Shop: Invite us to your next blowout. At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?” he asks. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?” He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?” she asks. Irritated, he says, “I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where's my toast ?”

On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?" "Because she can still drive!"

In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur; be careful." A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin. Thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive! At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait. At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills. Outside a radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak. Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Pregnancy Test A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor said that she was pregnant. She burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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