09-10-08 Issue

6

The Davidsonian

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

el segundo

Student spends Labor Day in History of Labor seminar

See page 8

OOPS improv show this Thursday. 10pm. 900 Room.

Cortesy Photo

Home Alone 4: The Bachelor Years

September 10, 2008

Campus Police Break Up Beloved “Facultea Party”

See page 8

Girlfriend too sensitive; boyfriend too indifferent

The Davidsonian

Russia Targets Miss Georgia Russian tanks are planning an invasion of Sally Dewitt, Miss Georgia 2008, according to United Nations authorities. The invasion arose after a misintepreted text message from General Ouremov to a lieutenant tank commander. “Bomb Misses Georgia,” wrote the general, referring to a series of missiles accidentally dropped on a nearby Azerbeijaani goat farm.

See page 8 “Tea without crumpets? Never!”

Fire Department not going to fall for that fire alarm trick again See page 2

An unregistered tea party hosted by several faculty wives was raided yesterday afternoon between the hours of 2 and 3pm. Lady Londonberry tea was being served without biscuits or crumpets, reported two campus police officers. There were no risk managers. Several children were milling about unsupervised. When one faculty wife tried to move the tea tray to another apartment, she was informed that wives can only transport tea from their cars to their apartments, not from apartment to apartment, and never in an open container. Officer Stonewall listed a lack of wristbands and PCC stickers in his official report. When the hostess of the party, Mrs. Leonard

Editors: Dan Killian Alex Hoyt

#1 Flickerball Hall on Campus: The Ladies of 2nd Watts Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth. Word.

Fitzsimmons, protested, Officer Stonewall read her Section 6.3B. IX from the Red Book. Campus policy clearly indicates that “no more than four wives of untenured professors can recreationally convene before the division of the day UNLESS they do so during the Vernal Equinox OR the gathering is otherwise sanctioned by a committee yet to be created.” Officer Stonewall also listed a conspicuous absence of husbands at the party, as well as three wives of visiting professors. Whether or not the Facultea Party was a dirty rush event is not clear at this point,

though authorities have reason to suspect it was. Those attending the party have complained of inconsistency in the campus police’s attitude towards faculty teas and luncheons. “They took Muffy!” claimed one bewildered spouse of a longtime Humanities professor. She complained, “One week they let us munch away in peace, and the next week they capriciously write us up. Next week I may as well just go down to the Court.” RLO credits its new policy, “Minimum fun, Maximum safety,” for this successful bust.

A misinterpreted telegram has led to an attack on Miss Georgia ‘08 “The ‘m’ was supposed to be lower case,” lamented General Ouremov. “If our phones had T9 this never would have happened.” Russian President Dmitri Medvedev remained positive despite the accidental invasion. “Aside from securing the former Soviet provinces of Ossetia and Abkhazia, the cute legs and luscious bosom of Ms. Dewitt have long been among nation’s top priorities.”

Opinion: “That Mayor of Detroit May Have Been a Perjurous Scoundrel, But Oh Boy, That Guy Sure Did Hang Out”

Your Davidson Honor Section

Excel Specialist: Steggs

Four unwitting faculty wives, only moments away from being written up.

Peter Davies is a senior staff writer. You can contact him at [email protected], or via his Myspace page. Yes, former Mayor of Detroit Kwame Kilpatrick may have been indicted on 10 felony counts. Yes, he lied under oath and bribed officials with over $8 million of public funds to cover up a sex scandal with a staff member. But he was also a powerful

motivator for change, prosperity, and equal opportunity in one of America’s most economically depressed cities. He helped lift key Detroit crack dealers out of poverty, and treated every prostitute with indiscriminate lust. But most importantly, he hung out. Hard. Every time I called that dude up to take bong rips, he was ready and waiting. Never did he let budget meetings, press conferences, or other stuff weigh him down, unless he was being briefed by one of his secretaries. In fact, not since Clinton has a politician been so popular with his constituents and his staff. Let’s take this time to embrace Kwame’s celebrity, his munificence, and his generosity. He will truly be missed.

The Yowl is online at www.thedavidsonian.com