Year Of The Pig

'Year of the Pig' Sets Off Increased Muslim Outrage

A diplomatic row has broken out between the leaders of China and some Islamic states, due to an astrological anomaly and a pig. The animal in question isn't real, but the controversy surrounding it certainly is, and the UN Security Council has called an emergency meeting in a bid to diffuse the argument. February 18th saw the start of the Chinese 'Year of the Pig', and many Muslims have been outraged by it. They think the pig is dirty, and have called on China to nominate another animal in its place. Muslims are forbidden to eat, or have sex with a pig, although many still do. The Chinese, many of whom are pigs, especially when clearing their throats during a meal, love pigs, and are known as 'The Swine Of The Orient'. The Sultan of Brunei, who, after David Beckham is the richest man in the world, spoke to reporters yesterday and said: "Pigs are very mucky. I don't like them. I'd rather have a couple of sausages." Yusuf Islam, who used to be a mediocre folk singer, agreed: "Allah-Allah. Why can't those Chinkies show Islam some respect? They could rename it the 'Year of the Cat' or the 'Year of the Werewolf'. By the way, I'm insane." Fuk Yu, ambassador at the Chinese Embassy in London, and at the Golden Chopstick in Nottingham, couldn't understand what all the fuss was about: "Wot you wan'? Pig taste welly good. Swee' an' sowah." Muslim cleric Osama al-Outragi, called on Mussies everywhere to stand up and be counted in the name of Islam: "I'm outraged by all this piggery. If I want to persist with quirky, outdated principles, that's my business", he said from behind the counter at Osama's Newsagents in Forest Gate. Metropolitan Commissioner Sir Lord Duke Ian Blair, who tends pigs himself, said:

"Much as it pains me to say it, I am forced to agree with the outraged towelheads. 'Year of the Policeman' sounds so much better."