Working With Angry People
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November 2006
Caregiver Assistance News “C a r i n g
f o r
y o u … c a r i n g
f o r
o t h e r s ”
Working (or Living) With Difficult People
Adapted from The Comfort of Home: An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide for Caregivers, © 2006 CareTrust Publications. www.comfortofhome.com
How to Head Off Confrontation Is the person you take care of, or live with, sometimes difficult? What happens when the food arrives cold or late from Meals on Wheels and the person in your care complains? Do you feel guilty and become defensive, or do you look for a better way to resolve the problem? What should you do when your care recipient refuses to allow outside household help, even though it’s needed for safety reasons when you can’t be there? There’s always a solution for difficulties in caregiving. For example, you could call the Meals on Wheels office and let them know there’s a problem with food delivery. Perhaps the agency can make sure the hot packs are included with food deliveries. You could ask the person in your care to accept a helper for a few hours a day on a try-out basis as a possible springboard to a more permanent commitment.
Solutions That Work • Listen for the feeling behind the words. Everyone needs to feel someone is listening. • Validate her feelings. Say something like: “I understand you feel angry (or unhappy, or frustrated, or whatever).” • If a discussion becomes verbally abusive, walk away or hang up the phone. The illness or disability is to blame, not you. Continue the discussion when everyone has calmed down. • Let the person in your care make some care decisions so they don’t feel powerless. • Show affection and gratitude. Hug your care recipient, if welcome, and tell them you appreciate their cooperation. Source: Caregiving.com; Tad Publishing.
Caffeine—The Sneaky Stressor Caffeine is a strong stimulant, that speeds up your mind and body, producing unnecessary stress. Caffeine is found in coffee, tea, soft drinks (like Coke and Pepsi), and chocolate. It’s also found in some medications, so always read the labels. Even decaffeinated coffee has a little caffeine. You will feel more calm and relaxed, sleep better, and have more energy if you gradually decrease your intake by one drink a day. Don’t stop abruptly or you’ll get withdrawal headaches. If you can’t give up caffeine, limit yourself to 1–2 cups a day.
Ca reg i ver Assista nce Newsl etter
November 2006
Caregivers Need Support Too! Support from others can reduce stress and help caregivers remain strong and healthy. To get support: 1. Find someone you trust to talk to about your feelings and difficulties before you need help. Don’t judge yourself—having problems doesn’t mean you’re weak. Supporting others is a good way to build trust and goodwill, and create a mutual support network. 2. If you become overwhelmed, ask for help from family with babysitting, running errands, transportation to the doctor, or other chores. 3. Talk to people who have had similar experiences, and network to help find what you need. Join a support group. Note: Remember, HIPAA rules prohibit discussing details about another person’s health with anyone but that person’s health care team.
© 2006 CareTrust Publications
Hiring an Extra Pair of Hands—How Great is That! Get help from a home health agency when: • The doctor changes the care regime. For instance, your mother’s physician might want her to stop using incontinence pads for a few days so a rash can heal, but you know how tough it is to get your mother to the bathroom on your own. • Your care recipient moves into a period of difficult behavior, a new face and a different voice can be calming. • Your care recipient is recovering from the flu or a cold. • Laundry seems to control your life. Wouldn’t just one day without laundering soiled sheets be nice? • Your sister wants to go out for coffee to talk. It’s so great to hear about someone else’s problems for a change. • Your care recipient suffers from “cabin fever.” A new face visiting three times a week for a few weeks to help with personal care and housekeeping can put the spark back into both you and your care recipient. • You need to work overtime. You can work late without worrying when you have a home health aide to help with caregiving duties. • You’re expecting company for special events or holidays. An extra pair of hands can help you avoid becoming overwhelmed and anxious.
Taking Care Of Yourselperf son in your care feel happy and relaxed.
d the Plan activities to help you an sounds of nature. • Sit outside and listen to the ssible. • Spend time with a pet, if po sic. • Listen to your favorite mu feel good. with pictures that make you ce pa rks wo d an e hom r you • Decorate be seen daily. and cartoons where they can s, ote qu s, em po te ori fav t • Pos and drink plenty of water. • Eat fresh, balanced meals if possible. Even someone in a • Participate in mild exercise, move to music. wheelchair may be able to orite dessert. • Enjoy small portions of a fav ted with happy memories. • Bake favorite items associa
u Check with your doctor about getting your flu shot. Live Life Laughing! Well, Doctor, I guess I have reached that awkward age. What do you mean? Too young for Medicare and too old for men to care!
Releasing Emotions Pent-up feelings can get in the way of healthy relationships. Try to make time every day to safely vent your frustration, anger, or guilt. 1. Write in a private, daily journal. 2. Attend a support group. 3. Talk with a good friend. 4. Get plenty of exercise. 5. Plan for your personal future.
© 2006 CareTrust Publications
November is National Family Caregiver Month Visit www.thefamilycaregiver.org for education and support.
Our Purpose
To provide caregivers with critical information enabling them to do their job with confidence, pride, and competence.
Ordering Info From the publishers of An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide for Caregivers available from… CareTrust Publications LLC PO Box 10283, Portland, OR 97296 800-565-1533 or www.comfortofhome.com Comments and suggestions welcome. ©2006 CareTrust Publications LLC. All rights reserved. Reproduction of any component of this publication is forbidden without a license from the publisher. Some content in this publication is excerpted from The Comfort of Home: An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide for Caregivers. It is for informational use and not health advice. It is not meant to replace medical care but to supplement it. The publisher assumes no liability with respect to the accuracy, completeness or application of information presented or the reader’s misunderstanding of the text.
Still Refusing to Cooperate with Personal Care? First, make sure she understands what you are asking. She may be confused, especially in cases of dementia, or she may be feeling ill and simply unable to respond quickly. First make sure she is comfortable and not sick. ✔ Be a listener—Take time to ask how she is doing. Sometimes combative behavior is a symptom of a deeper issue. For example, a person may refuse to be bathed because she is feeling modest, or she may refuse to eat in response to a sense of loss of control. Offering choices can make her more likely to cooperate. ✔ Be patient—Your schedule may be overwhelming, but the person in your care is on her own schedule. Allow more time than usual for simple tasks. Too many activities at once can provoke a negative reaction because the person feels overwhelmed. ✔ Remain calm—Seeing you calm may help calm her down. ✔ Delay the personal care if possible. Ask yourself if the task you are attempting can be put off until the person is calmer. ✔ Do not contradict her reality—If she believes something to be true, do not disagree, unless it poses a physical threat. ✔ Track the behavior—Keep notes on times of day, frequency, or type of behavior problem to better understand the triggers. N E X T I S S U E … M edications and w h at to as k t h e doctor
Working (or Living) With Difficult People—November 2006
Caregiver Assistance News a r i n g
f o r
y o u
…
Q u i c k
c a r i n g
f o r
o t h e r s
”
Q u i z
Difficult situations arise from time to time, especially during caregiving. Read this issue and answer True or False to the questions below to see if you know how to make interacting with the person in your care less stressful. 1. Listen to what the person in your care has to say and respond as positively as possible. T F 2. You should make all the care decisions because, after all, you know what’s best. TF 3. Caregivers need support too. T F 4. It is okay to discuss the details of my care recipient’s health with my close friends. T F 5. Listening to the feeling behind the words can help with understanding. T F 6. The illness may be to blame for verbally abusive behavior. T F 7. Drink lots of coffee when you’re tired to feel better fast without side effects. T F 8. There are relaxing things to do with the person in your care that you both can enjoy and benefit from, such listening to music and the sounds of nature. T F 9. When the person is upset, it is better to delay the personal care if the task can be put off until the person is calmer. T F 10. Find a good friend or professional counselor to talk to if you feel depressed or overwhelmed. T F © 2006 CareTrust Publications
Name ________________________________________ Signature_____________________________________Date_________________________
Answers: 1. T, 2. F, 3. T, 4. F, 5. T, 6.T, 7.F, 8.T, 9.T, 10. T
“C
Caregiver Assistance News “C a r i n g
f o r
y o u … c a r i n g
f o r
o t h e r s ”
Working (or Living) With Difficult People
Adapted from The Comfort of Home: An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide for Caregivers, © 2006 CareTrust Publications. www.comfortofhome.com
How to Head Off Confrontation Is the person you take care of, or live with, sometimes difficult? What happens when the food arrives cold or late from Meals on Wheels and the person in your care complains? Do you feel guilty and become defensive, or do you look for a better way to resolve the problem? What should you do when your care recipient refuses to allow outside household help, even though it’s needed for safety reasons when you can’t be there? There’s always a solution for difficulties in caregiving. For example, you could call the Meals on Wheels office and let them know there’s a problem with food delivery. Perhaps the agency can make sure the hot packs are included with food deliveries. You could ask the person in your care to accept a helper for a few hours a day on a try-out basis as a possible springboard to a more permanent commitment.
Solutions That Work • Listen for the feeling behind the words. Everyone needs to feel someone is listening. • Validate her feelings. Say something like: “I understand you feel angry (or unhappy, or frustrated, or whatever).” • If a discussion becomes verbally abusive, walk away or hang up the phone. The illness or disability is to blame, not you. Continue the discussion when everyone has calmed down. • Let the person in your care make some care decisions so they don’t feel powerless. • Show affection and gratitude. Hug your care recipient, if welcome, and tell them you appreciate their cooperation. Source: Caregiving.com; Tad Publishing.
Caffeine—The Sneaky Stressor Caffeine is a strong stimulant, that speeds up your mind and body, producing unnecessary stress. Caffeine is found in coffee, tea, soft drinks (like Coke and Pepsi), and chocolate. It’s also found in some medications, so always read the labels. Even decaffeinated coffee has a little caffeine. You will feel more calm and relaxed, sleep better, and have more energy if you gradually decrease your intake by one drink a day. Don’t stop abruptly or you’ll get withdrawal headaches. If you can’t give up caffeine, limit yourself to 1–2 cups a day.
Ca reg i ver Assista nce Newsl etter
November 2006
Caregivers Need Support Too! Support from others can reduce stress and help caregivers remain strong and healthy. To get support: 1. Find someone you trust to talk to about your feelings and difficulties before you need help. Don’t judge yourself—having problems doesn’t mean you’re weak. Supporting others is a good way to build trust and goodwill, and create a mutual support network. 2. If you become overwhelmed, ask for help from family with babysitting, running errands, transportation to the doctor, or other chores. 3. Talk to people who have had similar experiences, and network to help find what you need. Join a support group. Note: Remember, HIPAA rules prohibit discussing details about another person’s health with anyone but that person’s health care team.
© 2006 CareTrust Publications
Hiring an Extra Pair of Hands—How Great is That! Get help from a home health agency when: • The doctor changes the care regime. For instance, your mother’s physician might want her to stop using incontinence pads for a few days so a rash can heal, but you know how tough it is to get your mother to the bathroom on your own. • Your care recipient moves into a period of difficult behavior, a new face and a different voice can be calming. • Your care recipient is recovering from the flu or a cold. • Laundry seems to control your life. Wouldn’t just one day without laundering soiled sheets be nice? • Your sister wants to go out for coffee to talk. It’s so great to hear about someone else’s problems for a change. • Your care recipient suffers from “cabin fever.” A new face visiting three times a week for a few weeks to help with personal care and housekeeping can put the spark back into both you and your care recipient. • You need to work overtime. You can work late without worrying when you have a home health aide to help with caregiving duties. • You’re expecting company for special events or holidays. An extra pair of hands can help you avoid becoming overwhelmed and anxious.
Taking Care Of Yourselperf son in your care feel happy and relaxed.
d the Plan activities to help you an sounds of nature. • Sit outside and listen to the ssible. • Spend time with a pet, if po sic. • Listen to your favorite mu feel good. with pictures that make you ce pa rks wo d an e hom r you • Decorate be seen daily. and cartoons where they can s, ote qu s, em po te ori fav t • Pos and drink plenty of water. • Eat fresh, balanced meals if possible. Even someone in a • Participate in mild exercise, move to music. wheelchair may be able to orite dessert. • Enjoy small portions of a fav ted with happy memories. • Bake favorite items associa
u Check with your doctor about getting your flu shot. Live Life Laughing! Well, Doctor, I guess I have reached that awkward age. What do you mean? Too young for Medicare and too old for men to care!
Releasing Emotions Pent-up feelings can get in the way of healthy relationships. Try to make time every day to safely vent your frustration, anger, or guilt. 1. Write in a private, daily journal. 2. Attend a support group. 3. Talk with a good friend. 4. Get plenty of exercise. 5. Plan for your personal future.
© 2006 CareTrust Publications
November is National Family Caregiver Month Visit www.thefamilycaregiver.org for education and support.
Our Purpose
To provide caregivers with critical information enabling them to do their job with confidence, pride, and competence.
Ordering Info From the publishers of An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide for Caregivers available from… CareTrust Publications LLC PO Box 10283, Portland, OR 97296 800-565-1533 or www.comfortofhome.com Comments and suggestions welcome. ©2006 CareTrust Publications LLC. All rights reserved. Reproduction of any component of this publication is forbidden without a license from the publisher. Some content in this publication is excerpted from The Comfort of Home: An Illustrated Step-by-Step Guide for Caregivers. It is for informational use and not health advice. It is not meant to replace medical care but to supplement it. The publisher assumes no liability with respect to the accuracy, completeness or application of information presented or the reader’s misunderstanding of the text.
Still Refusing to Cooperate with Personal Care? First, make sure she understands what you are asking. She may be confused, especially in cases of dementia, or she may be feeling ill and simply unable to respond quickly. First make sure she is comfortable and not sick. ✔ Be a listener—Take time to ask how she is doing. Sometimes combative behavior is a symptom of a deeper issue. For example, a person may refuse to be bathed because she is feeling modest, or she may refuse to eat in response to a sense of loss of control. Offering choices can make her more likely to cooperate. ✔ Be patient—Your schedule may be overwhelming, but the person in your care is on her own schedule. Allow more time than usual for simple tasks. Too many activities at once can provoke a negative reaction because the person feels overwhelmed. ✔ Remain calm—Seeing you calm may help calm her down. ✔ Delay the personal care if possible. Ask yourself if the task you are attempting can be put off until the person is calmer. ✔ Do not contradict her reality—If she believes something to be true, do not disagree, unless it poses a physical threat. ✔ Track the behavior—Keep notes on times of day, frequency, or type of behavior problem to better understand the triggers. N E X T I S S U E … M edications and w h at to as k t h e doctor
Working (or Living) With Difficult People—November 2006
Caregiver Assistance News a r i n g
f o r
y o u
…
Q u i c k
c a r i n g
f o r
o t h e r s
”
Q u i z
Difficult situations arise from time to time, especially during caregiving. Read this issue and answer True or False to the questions below to see if you know how to make interacting with the person in your care less stressful. 1. Listen to what the person in your care has to say and respond as positively as possible. T F 2. You should make all the care decisions because, after all, you know what’s best. TF 3. Caregivers need support too. T F 4. It is okay to discuss the details of my care recipient’s health with my close friends. T F 5. Listening to the feeling behind the words can help with understanding. T F 6. The illness may be to blame for verbally abusive behavior. T F 7. Drink lots of coffee when you’re tired to feel better fast without side effects. T F 8. There are relaxing things to do with the person in your care that you both can enjoy and benefit from, such listening to music and the sounds of nature. T F 9. When the person is upset, it is better to delay the personal care if the task can be put off until the person is calmer. T F 10. Find a good friend or professional counselor to talk to if you feel depressed or overwhelmed. T F © 2006 CareTrust Publications
Name ________________________________________ Signature_____________________________________Date_________________________
Answers: 1. T, 2. F, 3. T, 4. F, 5. T, 6.T, 7.F, 8.T, 9.T, 10. T
“C
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