Working Thesis Statement Analysis

Working Thesis Statement Analysis Medical records are becoming more and more exposed to the public because of privacy issues. Medical records are one of the confidential documents in the health field because it has every kind of information concerning one patient. In this research paper, I will research different court cases about medical record privacy, discussing the pros and cons on electronic health records, and providing ways to decrease concern about medical privacy concerns within the office.

Comment [ccc1]: This is a confusing sentence because it says privacy issues are exposing medical records. But this student’s intentions are good. A first line as a “Call to attention” about a problem. Comment [ccc2]: Although clunky, this sentence strives to define the term medical records. Comment [ccc3]: Do not use the first person “I” in your thesis statement. If later in the essay you want to talk about a person scenario, it would be fine then to use the first person voice.

My rewrite Medical records are confidential documents containing the intimate details of a patient’s mental and physical health. Many people fear that the privacy of their medical records will be in jeopardy if filed electronically. Court cases [Name?] concerning medical record privacy have created pros (such as accessibility for a traveling patient) and cons (such as insurance companies raising rates) regarding the electronic formatting of medical records. This, in turn, has increased and decreased the fear about medic al privacy.

(My above rewrite is still a working thesis statement. Your thesis statement should evolve over time. As the thesis statement narrows down the areas I want to discuss, I will deepen the intellectual depth within the essay itself.)

Comment [ccc4]: The student does a good job finding the flow of the essay, though this needs to be smoothed out.