Working The Night Shift

Working the Night Shift Shane Nicholas & Jon Fuson Two men enter, one in their early twenties, struggles to push a giant box onto the stage. The other, in their late thirties, casually wheels in a coffin to the front of an examining table. It is night, indicated by speech and the men’s irritability. Both men are in scrubs; the younger one in a light blue, while the older man wears a light green. Jacob (visibly tired from pushing the box): Who the Heck arranges a night shift at a morgue? Hardly another place out there I wouldn’t rather be. (Jacob looks over and sees Benedict stopping the coffin at the examining table. Benedict, meeting Jacob’s gaze, motions slightly with his neck to help him lift it on the table.) Well, besides with ol’ Lenny here. (Jacob takes hold of the coffin, and places it on the table, laughing a bit at his joke) Benedict (Looking over at Jacob, blank expression, then looking toward the clipboard) Lenny Schaeffer, pronounced dead at 8:33am, on January 18th, at age 78. Cause of death, fractured hip. (Looks up from clipboard, vaguely disinterested) Jacob (Looking confused) He died of a fractured hip? Can you die of that, Ben? Benedict: (vaguely uninterested) Mm. Preventable death, but he wasn’t found immediately, and he was unable to call for assistance after he tripped. Jacob (amused) He fell and he couldn’t get up? (Benedict looks over, unamused, Jake looks down, then back at Ben.) Where did he die? Benedict (Eyes returning to the clipboard): Papers said he was found in a church half an hour after a Wedding Service. Jacob (Looking quizzically at the body): And he was by himself? Benedict (Nodding, looking away from the clipboard): Yep. According to attendants of the ceremony, Mr. Schaeffer requested to stay behind to (Frowns slightly, squinting to the clip-board, as if to double check) ‘pick up rice’ when the couple invited their guests to dinner at Vigelluci’s. Jacob (Looks condescending down to Lenny’s body, shaking his head): All the lonely peopleBenedict (Sighing slightly) No, don’t worry, I caught the reference. Jacob shrugs, and the two begin to work on the body; Jacob’s hands inside the coffin, Benedict on the clipboard, nodding occasionally, and jotting notes.

Jacob (Finishing his work, then trying to make the best small talk he could): You know, I was talking to your daughter the other day anBenedict (interrupting Jacob): I really wish you wouldn’t. Moment’s pause. Jacob (disregarding Ben’s comment, though visually annoyed): So I was talking to your daughter the other day, and she said she wanted to work at the morgue when she grew up. Benedict (Surprised and somewhat appalled at Jacob’s answer): Jake, she’s seven. Why would she want to do this? Jacob (Amused by Ben’s response): Well, I told her the job description. (Jacob then grimaces, pulling pair of socks out of the coffin) Benedict (Smirking at Jacob’s expression): Which one did you give her? The one where we undress and cremate dead bodies, or the part where we put make-up and lipstick on the corpses to be buried? Jacob (Laughs, and tosses the socks into the incinerator): The second one; how we dress up dead people. Well, I used the word ‘corpses’ with her. I figured there was a good chance she didn’t know what a ‘corpse’ was. Benedict (Laughing now): Did she? Jacob (Obviously proud of himself): No, but she knew what ‘dress-up’ and ‘make-up’ meant and I didn’t have the heart to tell her. Her face looked so bright at the prospect of doing something like this forever. Benedict (Pulling out a pair of khakis from the coffin): Oh yeah, I’m sure my little girl will love this. (Ben then pauses, blinks hard, then exhales) her career-day essay is due tomorrow isn’t itJacob (interrupts, checking his watch): Well, technically today. I helped her spell ‘deceased’ and ‘mortician’ for her report. We had to look up ‘decapitation’ though. Benedict (Sighs, clicks his pen, then looks back down at the clipboard)): I really do wonder how someone as charismatic as you always seems to be available to babysit Saturday nights. Jacob rolls his eyes and the two continue in stripping the body. Benedict continues to work diligently, though Jacob begins to falter. Jacob (Trying to start a conversation): So how ‘bout that recression, eh?

Benedict (Becoming annoyed and bitter): Just around the holidays too. Seems like it’ll be a ‘thought-that-counts’ Christmas. Even some of the cheapest toys and dolls are put to these ridiculous prices. Jacob (Facetiously): I’m not opposed to taking work home with us, if you know what I mean. Benedict (guessing): No. Jacob (Ignoring him): I wouldn’t tell anybody. Benedict (Nonchalantly): I’ll run it by the missus. To tell you the truth, I’m surprised we’re even working on this guy; he should have a mausoleum or something. Jacob: (Missing Ben’s point): I don’t know. His will stated pretty clearly he wanted himself burned with his possessions. Kind of greedy in a market like this though. Benedict (Laughing slightly) Yeah, especially if you’re a billionaire stock tycoon. I guess it’s good to get some bills burnt to help against the inflation, but bondsJacob (Excitedly, now interested): Wait, billionaire? What’s his name again- (Pulls up clipboard again) Schaeffer. Schaeffer. The name sounds so familiar now, but I can’t put my finger on it. Benedict (Taking clipboard from Jacob): Schaeffer-IDS Enterprises, Jacob. Technology development. Jacob (Incredulously): He kept a technology development company alive during this recession? The man must be a genius, or a, a, umBenedict (Cocking his head): A lucky stiff? Jacob (Grinning slightly): I wasn’t going to say it. Benedict (Looking towards the box): So he’s asking for all of his liquidated assets to be immediately disposed of upon death. That means a billion dollars out of the economy. (Trailing off, keeping gaze on box) Jacob (Looking at Ben’s eyes, then tracing his gaze to the box) You know, I wondered what was in that box since we carried it in. It ruffled a bit, but I kind of assumed it was just old papers (Ben gets up and walks toward box as Jacob continues to list possibilities) like birth papers, passports, credit reports, marriage certificates… Benedict (Ignoring Jacob): He never married, Jacob. (He picks up the box, sits down on the stool, and puts the box on his lap, trying to open it. It’s locked. He frowns, and looks back to Jake) Toss me the scalpel.

Jacob (Unconcerned): I’m guessing you have no problem desecrating this old fellow’s final wishes? (Benedict is trying to pick the lock with the scalpel. The scalpel snaps, and Benedict curses.) Oh, don’t worry about it, we have thousands of these cheap- (Jacob begins to pick up another scalpel, but Ben bangs the box on his knee, opening it instantly. Jacob slowly drops the scalpel back into the box, and scurries over to Ben and the box. The two men peer into the box, fascinated with the contents, Jacob more than Benedict. Jacob reaches an arm into the box slowly, and Ben absent-mindedly swats it away. He closes the box suddenly, and Jacob looks suddenly surprised. Ben stands up, and brings the box to the table, Jacob following him intently. Ben places the box down, and opens it again. There’s a pause, and Ben then begins emptying the box’s contents in small piles based on type. Jacob picks up an item and holds it up, then places it down to repeat the process. They both start laughing, then look at each other. Then Lenny’s corpse. They stop laughing, and look back down at the contents of the box. Jacob (Uncertain): Can we..? (Motions with his head to the cremator) Benedict (Immediately): Yeah. (They take hold of the coffin, and dump Lenny’s body) Jacob (Rubbing his hands): Fwoosh. (Walking intently back to the contents) So what are we gonna do? ‘Cause I really don’t want to burn this. Benedict (Deep thought, sorting through it all still. Jacob frowns): I- (Looking back to the incinerator) Jacob (Noticing Ben starting to change heart): We’d be helping a lot of people. Benedict (Cynically) And ourselves. Jacob (Not yet giving up) And your daughter. Benedict: And your tab. Jacob: And your tab. Benedict: And your car. Jacob: (Stopping): Yeah, that was my bad, but nothing that throwing money at it wouldn’t fix. Come on, an extra few million will definitely help around the house. Your wife’s been wearing that same wedding ring for two decades now, and I wasn’t going to say anything before but that’s trashy. Benedict (Furrowing brow, about to say something, then stopping): Alright, we could use the money. Still, what about Lenny? Jacob (Raises hands): What about him? You can’t take it with you. In fact, in fact, he’d probably want us to take it. Lenny, being the generous soul he-

Benedict (Annoyed): According to the credit reports, his company’s last donation was from when his father ownedJacob (Interjecting, still determined): And this could be his redemption! Why else would he put a billion dollars of assets in a wooden box to be disposed of by morticians getting minimum wage on a night shift? (As he says this, he grabs a bag off the table, and scoops all the papers into it. Ben sits on the chair, nodding, calculating.) Benedict (Nodding, smiling): Now that I think about it, that does seem too unrealistic to actually happen without having been planned beforehand. Kind of like some dues ex machina that an incompetent writer would scribble in to quickly tie up loose ends in a story to meet a quota or something. (Both characters freeze, and look towards the audience for a moment) Jacob (Nodding and smiling as well): We can worry about that later; now get the money and lets go before the writer writes in one of Lenny’s relatives to collect this. (Both nod, and exit stage left)

The End