Wish You Were…scribd Version

Wish You Were… Meghan Rakel Peterson A/N: Okay I have been writing this since January  and it was pretty much a venting mechanism.  The first chapter is the worst but I think its 

 starts to get better, I  dunno     its pretty long so      feel free to ignore it and wait for my other 

updates :o) Oh an about the names, I’m not 

actually copying twilight, one of my best friends  1

is called Alice and I have a friend called Breanne  who I call Bea. 

Chapter One. Pants, Bras And Other Things Men Know Little About. Its funny how one note can change every drafted perspective I have ever assumed of life. A note in theroy seems so much more personal than an email or text. A note shows time and care. Everything displayed on that one note is revealing. You can analyze every part of the untidy scrawl or something trivial like how many kisses have been left. Notes always reveal something, usually how much the other person cares about you. The note that was lying in my hands however revealed nothing. The words blaring up from within the page, were mocking me. It was slightly off putting that I failed to decipher any meaning that was held in those 5 words. I wanted to scrunch it up and just throw it away in a nonchalant manner. However my stupid sentimental side always won. It didn’t matter how many men I had associated myself with I always felt some kind of stupid unexplainable emotional connection to them. The deal we shared was always ‘no strings attached’ but I could never agree to that. I am, despite what men might think about my emotional status, a woman. The egotistical jerks I tended to associate myself were to say the least a waste of my affections. However I could never bring myself to man-up and just find someone who I could actually love without being scared shitless by it. So as a result I ended up like this. Slightly bitter, extremely sarcastic and too witty and sharp for my own good. There was a time when I was naïve- truly so. So much so, that I wanted to believe the best in people. I actually defended those who deserved nothing, least of all my defence. I was painfully stupid to actually think that the bitches I had met in high school deserved a sliver of the kindness I had gratified and awarded them with. It hadn’t helped them and all it presented me with was a reputation for being a little too nice. Translation? For lack of a better phrase- a measly push over. Nothing about me screamed intimidating, I could be if I wanted to, but heck I promised myself that I would be kinder to people. I had been in shouting matches and stupidly made remarks that were a little too sarcastic to be 2

overlooked. Hell before I turned fifteen and changed my ways I was pretty badass. I was very geeky and strongly affirmed to my studies but I had a big mouth and wasn’t afraid to use it. But that’s all it was. All talk no action. Don’t ask me why fifteen had been such an amazing turning point for me because heck I don’t know why, it just was. That year I promised to be kinder, really give people a chance and just give others a chance and not pre-judge. I was stupid. People simply don’t deserve unspoken kindness. They don’t surprise you; they just reaffirm what you already know. By taking advantage of those quieter and more reserved, we live in a cruel world. I glanced back down toward the note that was smoothed in my hands. I laughed bitterly at the five words. Didn’t work out, sorry. Iain That fact that he felt like he needed to explain himself was enough to tell me that he knew. Dammit, he knew that I am too fucking ‘woman’ for this lifestyle. Something needs to change. I may only be twenty, but soon I will be thirty and then forty and then damn, I will be fucking old. As much as I have convinced myself that I don’t need a man, or need a husband, or need a child, or need any of that shit. I still want it as much as anyone else. It’s my stupid pride that gets in the way as usual. I am twenty and have had one boyfriend. That poor excuse for a relationship barely even counts, unless like Ali you consider three and a half weeks to be substantial. I am by no stretch of the imagination innocent but my best friend Ali takes pride in the fact that at first glance you would never suspect anything less than total innocence. In reality I am still that girl who wants to defend the people around her and try to get people to understand that sometimes people do deserve a third, fourth or even fifth chance at making something right. After five years I am still the same stupid naïve girl I always was. Ali was right, always has been. She knows how fucked up I am. She knows how much I wish I could lead the life that she does but instead of having her long term boyfriend and self-sufficient job I am a bustling career women. My job reflects who I am. At twenty I am the youngest newspaper editor in New York. Before I began co-edited the paper I wrote the column, “Pants Bras and other things Men know little about.” Basically six hundred words regarding my endless moaning about things women desperately love to read about. I still write the column amongst my other responsibilities. Whereas before it was for fun it eventually evolved into my escape mechanism. I write about the jerks that I have affiliations with. The idiots who try to flirt with me, and the egotistical fools who dribble over their own words when they realize I know every trick in their very badly written man ‘handbook’. I swear I have heard so many pick-up lines that they have become painful to listen to. I think the worst I have been exposed to is, “You remind me so much of Pokémon that I just want to pick-atchoo.” I was at a geek convention for my column and was the only girl in the place who resembled what a woman should look like. In reality that meant that I didn’t have a uni-brow and weighed less than 200 3

pounds. Nevertheless I got asked for my phone number 134 times that day. I must say it still holds record for my best phone number day. Ali and I have competitions on who can get the most phone numbers in a month. Ali doesn’t really play since she has given up on men and decided to just do what she loves. She hasn’t given up on love like me though; she has he parents to turn to. They are so in love that it is actually painful to look at. When I look at my parents I have to laugh at how much they hate each other. Well that might have been the understatement of the century. My parent’s divorce was so bitter that books could have been written about it. Needless to say I was sent straight of the boarding school for a bit of normalcy which is where I met Ali. I was still in my “lets be kind to everyone” phase when I met her. I think she knocked the senses into me by being the bright spark of laughter that she is. Everything bad that could possibly have happened in this world had happened to her. And yet no justice has ever been awarded. Worst of all she blames nobody for her misfortunes. She simply got over it, I swear it’s not healthy. But that was the point it was healthy for her to get over it, so much so that it my eyes it became unhealthy. My parents bitter divorce affected me in endless way but Ali, she swore to not let her past get in the way of her future. She is definitely one of a kind. I glanced around my bombshell of a room; the clothes that I had been wearing last night were thrown around. My bra draped across my Mac, panties stuck in the lampshade and hooker dress in shreds on the floor. I sighed inwardly; did he have to rip my dress? Men are way to eager sometimes. Glancing at the clock I went into immediate panic mode, 8:59am. Shit! Ali would be in my room in 1 minute. I could not let her walk into this demolition zone. I zoomed across my room gathering all the evidence from last night’s escapades and through it all into a pile by the foot of my bed. I grabbed my desk chair and tried to reach my panties that were in a tangled mess in my elegant lampshade. Why oh why did I have to request for a super high ceiling when we moved into our penthouse? I am so stupid and despite my 5,9 frame I couldn’t reach the offending pants. Eh… Ali knows what I got up to last night. My eyes flickered back to my clock and the ‘59’ flicked to become ‘00’. In anticipation I spun back round to face my door which was now opening. Smiling lightly to myself I walked toward the door to give my friend a hug. The door opened slowly to reveal a perfectly primp Ali, “Bobby- you decent?” I laughed out loud at my ridiculous nickname. “It’s not Bobbie Ali, it’s Bea. The infamous ’06 bar incident should never, ever be mentioned ever again! And yes I am decent Ben.” A growl wavered from her chest as I used her beloved nickname, “B you are not allowed to call me that! That spastic gave us the worst nicknames ever; I mean seriously Bobbie and Ben? Was the fool trying to tell us something? He strategically placed those God awful nicknames in about ever sentence that he managed to utter. I am so glad you are rid of that fool. What was his name? Sasha? Maybe that’s why he gave us boy nicknames he was so fucking bitter about the fact that he has a stupid girls name.” I blinked my eyes in surprise; Ali usually waits until about noon to go off on a tangent about men and their many quirks. “Whoa breathe Ali! I wont call you Ben. Besides 4

isn’t Sasha a uni-sex name? Eh… who cares he was an idiot.” She scoffed loudly, “Please uni-sex? We know about seven girls named Sasha, and answer me something Bea, how many guys do we know called Sasha? None! You know why? It’s because it’s a fucking girls name!” She looked clearly pleased with herself so I simply couldn’t help myself. “Umm Ali? How about Sacha Cohen?” She blinked spastically at me, “Ermm who?” I laughed at her limited movie knowledge. “Borat darling, Borat.” She kept blinking clearly confused I decided to give her the obvious one, “Ali G?” Finally the recognition I was seeking swept across her face. “OHHHHH ALI G! Why didn’t you say so? Well whatever I swear that is spelt with a ‘c’ anyway, and who cares he probably had his name changed to make fun of guys whose names are something as stupid as Sasha, he is a comedian after all.” I shook my head amused. “Oh Ben what am I going to do with you?” She laughed at my serious expression, “Buy me another book on movies and give me a pop quiz like the good ol’ days. Or you can just leave me, and my limited knowledge about movies brain alone whilst I pick your brains. I prefer the latter option but evidently the choice is yours.” Sighing loudly I groaned, “Ali too many long words this early in the morning, I am in dire need of coffee.” Her impossibly wide grin became even more pronounced, “Well then you should just be in total love with me then because I come bearing gifts. A double shot white cream espresso to be exact.” My lips automatically turned upwards and I reached my hand out, “I knew there was a reason I kept you around!” Her smile faltered lightly, “Well I am glad I am good for one thing. Getting you your morning coffee is a highly respectable and prestigious job.” I grinned even wider, “Damn straightand trust me, you shall have a killer recommendation!” She laughed her breezy giggle, “I would expect nothing else Bobbie! Now drink up because we are going shopping for my interview tomorrow. It is very important that I look my best.” I laughed at the ridiculous concept, “Ali, I am the one interviewing you and trust me your going to get the job. I have never met someone who works harder than you. And plus I need someone as witty as me to take care of creating a sister column to mine. Oh and I refuse to have some but ugly picture next the mine. So your definitely in. Besides why would I work with anyone else when I could work with you! I mean common! I wanna say do the math but it’s not really fitting… hmm well I think you get my point. This new boss of mine better let me keep the reigns when he finds out I am a women. I am actually pretty worried that he is going to end up being a sexist pig.” She rolled her eyes at my rambling, “Don’t worry about it Bea, you awesome at your job. And why thank you I feel so loved. But we are still going shopping. I don’t want other people thinking the only reason I got the job is because I made the cut for the very prestigious position of being your best friend. So brush those teeth and put some clothes on because hurricane Ali-bob is hitting the mall.” With that final note she waltzed out of my room humming softly. I shook my head lightly at her wonderful childishness. She was the best girl friend I could ever ask for. Then I remembered, “ALI! Call Brian we need his gay guy advice!” I waited for a second until I heard her enthusiastic clapping a little mannerism that she had developed over the years. 5

“OFCOURSE BOBSTER! We need Captain Brianna and his gayness!” I chuckled softly at her enthusiasm. I better get used to it if we were going to go shopping with Brian whose boisterous attitude rivalled small children. I shook my head lightly and travelled over to my drawers to gather a suitable outfit that would be simple to change in and out of. Grabbing my blue boyfriend jeans tennis shoes and rose printed top I travelled into the shower for a relaxing shower. Always the favourite part of my day was when I first got up and took my shower. It felt as though I was cleansing myself of my sins. Today however I felt disgusting, no amount of water could remove the grime that I felt covering my body. I wanted to scrub with sand paper to remove the scum. I felt used and as if I had been thrown away after my use had been used up. I was nothing but a lowly whore. I had slept with no men. I refused to point blank, but I was no prude! Foreplay was surprisingly satisfying. I had always wanted to save myself for the right guy but it was beginning to get slightly tedious. Sure twenty years old isn’t exactly that substantial of a number but it sure as hell felt like it! What if I ended up becoming like the fucking forty-year-old virgin? What if I never found the right guy? Would I just sleep with someone and get it over with or would I wait forever? I had never wanted to get married or have kids but my twenty-year-old state was making me question my one unquestionable morals. Brian and I shared these and as one of the things that made us so inseparable. Since he was gay we both believed them men were insufferable cruel people. It was quite funny when we both tried to go after the same man. I loved Brian dearly but sometimes he was too damn attractive for his own good! That man had stolen my men more that women had. At first glance you could never tell that he was gay but the second her opens his mouth there is no doubt implanted in your mind. He is 350% gay. Neither Brian nor Ali knew about my virginal status and simply assumed from the noises that tended to emit from my bedroom that I was getting plenty. I never question because I was simply too embarrassed, not by the fact that I was a virgin but the fact they just assumed I wasn’t. I could hardly describe myself as innocent after all of the shit I had done last night. I continued to argue with myself during the remnants of my shower until the water became ice cold and I was brought back to shopping with Ali and my gay best friend. My musing would have to be put strategically in my column. I would start once I towelled off since my deadline was in 9 hours and I was cutting it pretty close this time. Always putting things off until the last minute! Tut tut Bea! Tut tut.

Chapter Two. Prada Boots, Gorgeous Sales Clerks and Mysterious Elevator Occupants Going shopping with Ali and Brian is an activity and a half, usually constituting of a lot of clothes and resulting in very sore feet. Their latest conquests have been Westfield’s and Sutton Town Centre neither as glamorous as they are used to. London is nice but all of us 6

agree that New York and Paris are the fashion capitals of the world. The two and a half weeks spent in London have been pretty damn incredible Ali and I share an apartment overlooking the busy streets and Hyde Park. The location is a dream and Ali finally got the view she has been dreaming of. If I had it my way we would be in New York over looking the whole city in a glass apartment but that’s for when we move in 4 years. Ali and I struck up a deal to move cities every four years so that we both got to live in our dram locations. We decided to toss a coin on who could choose first and Ali just had to call heads. Well nevertheless we were in New York in a matter of days. She even uprooted Brian with us but he has always been a part of the deal. He just said as long we lived in Paris someday he doesn’t care. Brian has a dream of marrying a man named Pierre. Who knows it could happen! He swears that if he finds somebody who he could marry but their name isn’t Pierre then he will force them to change their name. Saying that if they truly love him they won’t object. Honestly I think he absurd but then that’s why I love him. He is like a mental patient but he is our mental patient, Ali’s that is and mine. It’s so much fun to go out with him, due to his amazing attractiveness other women give us the most wonderful glares. God if looks could kill! Ali and I would have been murdered and then resurrected all in the same minute. Nonetheless he is awesome to hang out with and our sleepovers are simply legendary. He decided to get the apartment next to us rather than us all buying a massive house so that there would be no annoying complaining neighbours. He is quite genius actually and has the best job. That is what instantly gives him away as gay, apart from the voice and amazing style. Our Captain Brianna is a personal shopper. I swear he used the word ‘fabulous’ about 40 times in one sentence when I first came to him two years ago. As my personal shopper he transformed my style from t-shirts and jeans to mega labels and designers. He was also responsible to a hefty credit card bill but then again he was my topic in my first ever column which in turn secured my job, so in technical terms he has only helped me in money terms. Who am I kidding, without him and Ali I would be the same shy girl I had been 4 years ago. They brought me out of my cocoon phase and let the real Bea shine through. Needless the say both have done my life wonders. Still anticipating today’s shopping I was very excited. They were like tornadoes when they really got started, simply sucking everything along with them. I seemed to be the only one they didn’t destroy whilst shopping. After shopping we would head into Starbucks in which Ali would force me to change into one of my outfits. It has become an unspoken on tradition and I have become quite acquainted with the Starbucks cleaning staff. Gradually it had become ridiculous and Brian had bought me cordless 2 in 1 flat and curling iron so that I could also style my hair suitably for the outfit. That is when I drew the line and now I simply just change into one of the simpler outfits that I bought on that certain shopping expenditure. Despite the craziness that tended to occur on our famous shopping trips I would never trade them for anything. Shopping was an outlet for Ali and Brian and I was just along for the ride. It was hilarious to see Brian screaming at female assistants who 7

were so taken by his looks that they failed to realize that eh was gay. Despite the fact I had to ask him up-front it is pretty darn obvious that he likes men! I exhaled and willed my fingers to type something on my keyboard. Eight hours are forty-five minutes until my deadline and counting. I had never actually submitted a late column however I had handed one if three seconds before my deadline. Too say I put things off to the last minute is a gross understatement. I thrived under pressure and knowing I had only twenty-five minutes to type, redraft and proof read a column is pretty exhilarating for me. I stared at my blank screen with Microsoft word blaring up at the screen, the cursor mocking me as it flashed black and then white. I swear that tiny thing is out to get me. Little fucker, always there not being helpful at all. I flicked my Mac off with the button on the back in frustration. I had a feeling today was going to be one of those days when I wanted to just shut myself down just like my stupid Mac. Grabbing my tennis shows from the floor I shoved my feet into them with a wave of frustration grimacing at the pain when I caught my little toe on the side of the sole. Today was definitely one of those days… “BEA HURRY THE FUCK UP!” Ali’s angry voice echoed throughout the apartment. Jesus apparently it was just one of those day for me but Ali too. This was very strange since she was hardly ever in a bad mood. I grabbed my Chanel quilted bag and rushed into the kitchen where Ali was tapping her foot impatiently along the floor. She squealed slightly before rushing into a exasperated sentence “Brian just found out that there is a mega sale in one of the hidden department stores in 34th Street. We have to go like now! He promised to not go in without us but you know how he is, if were not there is 20 minutes he wont be able to restrain himself. Here” She shoved a steaming paper cup in my face as well as a muffin, “Coffee, I figured it was suitable, its going to be a rather long day. Are you wearing comfy shoes?” She gave me a once over assessing my appearance and gave a lingering glance at my tennis shoes, “Brilliant right lets get going, there is no way in hell I am taking the elevator before you even bother asking me so I will take the stairs I assume you that you are still a lazy fart and will be getting the lift. Yes?” I stared at her dumbfounded. She had not drawn one breath in that entirely too long sentence. “Duh Ali you know me too well, see you in the lobby, oh and you really need to get over that little phobia of yours.” With those parting words I pressed the button the call the lift down to our floor. I glanced at the call sheet above the lift doors; one was located on the Penthouse floor and the other in the basement. Luck was definitely not on my side today. I waited impatiently as the lift began its descent from the top floor. The other remained fixated in the Basement stubbornly ignoring my request for it to hurry up. I continually pressed the button willing the lift to come faster. Brian was going to shoot me, not to mention how Ali was going to castrate me for taking so long. As if right on cue Lady Gaga erupted from my phone alerting a new message, “RedOne, Konvict, GaGa, ohoh, eh, I've had a little bit too much, much. All of the people start to rush, start to rush by” Of all the shit music that Brian could have set my ring tone to he selected Lady Gaga? The epitome of crap, manufactured pop anthems, which I spent my spare time making fun 8

off. Real hilarious Cap’ Brianna… fucking fool, I was going to have words with the honorary girl. I tended put up with a lot of shit from my two best friends but my ring tone was off limits. Was he trying to get a rise of out of me or something? Probably, the fool thought he was hilarious. I probably would have apart from the fact that the lift was taking years to reach my floor. I grabbed my phone to turn off the annoying ring tone and tapped my fingers against the touch screen to read my message. From: Ali (0798638543) What’s taking so long? Get your butt down the stairs the lifts are travelling at a snails pace today! HURRY UP I REFUSE TO MISS THIS SALE! Ali xx I grinned at her message relishing over the fact that despite we were both undeniably adults we could still play like kids. I finally heard a ding signifying that the elevator had made it too my floor. I typed a quick reply to Ali. To: Ali (0798638543) You’re a fucking nutter but I love you for it

Bea xx

I rushed into the lift shoving my mobile into my bag that was slung lazily across my chest until I shoved right into something hard. I winced in pain and recoiled slightly due to the collision. “Fuck” I whimpered hoping that I hadn’t just been retarded enough the slam into the elevator wall. Before I could assess my mental state a voice interrupted my thought track “Oh crap I’m so sorry, are you okay?” This voice sounded gentle and concerned, unlike anything I had ever heard before. It sounded like a man yet I was shell-shocked in my position unable to move. What the hell was wrong with me? I was hardly ever nervous around men unless they were undeniably more attractive than me. I lifted my head so that I could meet his eyes but I was awestruck by the two perfect sapphires shining brightly, crystal clear meeting my murky blues. Lost in a pool of incoherency I simply nodded and stayed rooted to the spot. I wasn’t sure how long we stood standing there but all of the sudden vibrating came from my pocket again. “I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation” Oh fuck, you are shitting me. Here I am staring at a man of pure gorgeousness and I am the plonker with the Barbie girl ring tone. I blushed lightly as I dug through my bag to retrieve the offending item, I angrily pressed the accept call button and put the phone to my ear. “Brian you little fucker, why the hell did you change my ring tones? The Lady Gaga shit was amusing but ‘Barbie girl’? Really? If I changed your ring tone to my ‘depressing shit’ as you call it then you would go from ‘straight-gay’ to a ‘gay emo’. Now what the hell do you want?” I heard his silent laughter through the receiver, “Why the fuck are you laughing?” He stopped and breathed heavily down the phone, “BECAUSE! You lost the fracking bet! I thought it was easy but your just putty in my hands!” The realization hit me like 9

a ton of bricks. Of course last night, we got so pissed that we made a stupid bet about who would shout at the other first. All our friends assumed it would be me but I was adamant that I would keep my cool. “You little shit! Ugh I can’t believe I lost! OH CRAP! NO!” He started laughing again, “YES BEA, YOUR GOING ON A BLIND DATE OF MY CHOICE!” No no no no NO! Of all the things, a blind date! Just kill me now! “Please Captain Brianna I am begging you do not put me on a blind date. Please! Have some mercy!” He laughed even harder, “My mate Stephen has a friend who he said is actually pretty nice and the little birdie told me he was a fine looking man, so… maybe… you know… you could just give him a chance Bea.” I laughed humourlessly and decided to just list some of the names. “Jim, Jon, Jake, Jeffery, Julian and Johnny. That’s just the ‘J’s’ Brian. All the guys that you have set me up with are either: gays in the closet, neat freaks or just plain weirdo’s who ask for clippings of my hair. There is no way, bet or no bet that you are making me do this!” I heard his chuckle ominously out of the phone, “Oh really? How about I tell Ali about the summer of ’06?” I felt the blood drain from my face. “You wouldn’t,” I hissed menacingly. He chuckled again, “Are you willing to test that theory?” I gulped angrily swallowing my pride before huffing down the phone, “Fine. Friday, 7 o’clock and if he’s late I will cut off his jewels.” He laughed again, “I hear you Bobs, see you in a few! Love you girlfriend!” chuckling at his very gay nature I told him the same sighing as I crashed against the wall of the elevator in frustration. Only I wasn’t leaning against the wall. Oh my God. I had totally forgotten he was there. And I was so crass and swore like a commoner. My mother would wash my mouth out with soap if she heard me talking like that. I heard him chuckle lightly, before murmuring, “Remind me not to get on your bad side.” I blushed a deep crimson as I recoiled out of his chest that I had so graciously slammed into twice over the past minute. “I am really sorry.” Stammering over my words I made contact with the blue pools that were his eyes. Lost in the vivacious colour I had to shut my own eyes to clear the incoherent thoughts that confused my brain. Wow, I’m never taking the stairs again if this is the kind of adventure the elevator holds. He smiled down at me and I suddenly realized how tall he stood. “It’s ok, its not everyday a beautiful women slams into my chest.” I blushed looking down at my shoes, completely out of character. I hold my own around men, I am the ice queen of New York City why the fuck was this man having an affect over me? Maybe it was his undeniable gorgeousness? Or that chiselled jaw. Fuck those were amazing high cheekbones, I could just imagine running my hand down that perfectly tanned skin. His golden hair was lying in perfectly sculpted disarray that just screamed sex. I was gaping at him and being highly obvious with my ogling. “Um, thanks… I’m really sorry about that. You know the swearing and stuff. My former gay best friend Brian and my other former best friend Ali changed my ring tones to that god-awful crap that you witnessed. Needless to say I take my music pretty damn seriously and it ticked me off.” I shuffled my weight from one foot to another in a nervous manner. “No problem, I think my ears handled it fine after all I have been out of 6th grade for a 10

few years now to know not to ‘ummmm’ after ever naughty word.” I swallowed trying to hide my surprise by his choice of words. Was that flirting? I am 20 years old and am still completely clueless about men. Bloody ridiculous that’s what it was. “Hmm, well I hate to cut this short but Ali will deck me if I don’t make it down in the lobby in about twelve seconds and she will ring in about two. Right on cue Aqua’s Barbie Girl anthem chimed from my left coat pocket and I groaned. I dug through my pocket and retrieved my blackberry. “Yes Ali.” “Don’t ‘yes Ali’ me! You have been in that elevator for five minutes and it hasn’t even moved from the 6th floor! Get your ass down here!” I laughed at her banter. “ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME! There are Prada boots calling me name and you have to NERVE TO LAUGH! Right Bea! I love you but if your not going to take this sale seriously then I am going with out you!” I gulped slapping my head reminding myself how stupid it is to piss off Ali. “Im really sorry but that actually might be best. I really have to right my column since my deadline is in just under 7 hours, and I finally thought of a decent idea.” I waited gauging her reaction, “Jesus Bea have you got a code pink?” My legs almost failed me when I heard that. “Yes Ali I have a deep shining code pink, and tell Brian that when I get my hands on him I will kill him for putting the Barbie girl song as my ring tone. Okay. Right love you Ali. Don’t hit any women if they grab hold of something that you caught your eyes on first. I refuse to bail you out of jail today!” She laughed deeply which I assumed meant that she was recounting the amount of times I had paid her bail. “Will do darling oh and um good like with you code pink. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” I laughed, “That’s pretty much nothing then.” “Ha! I resent that Bobs! Love you.” She hung up and I ran my hands through my hair trying to keep all of the words that were dying to be written in my head. I glanced back at the amused man standing in the elevator. Grinning sheepishly I pressed the buttons that opened the elevator doors and walked out. Before the doors began closing I got the courage to say something to the amazingly attractive man that my body had been pressed against. Taking a deep breath I turned winked before calling, “See you around.” Once I heard the doors dinging signifying the moving on of the elevator I let out a gust of air that I hadn’t realized I had been holding. He was so attractive I had actually felt the electricity coursing through my veins. Well I certainly had a topic for my column. This better be my best ever column if I have a decent chance of impressing my new boss. Ruffling my hair I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and opened the door to the apartment. Better get word open quick before this all goes flooding out of my head. I rushed into my room and plopped down on my bed to take of my shoes and then scurried over to my desk. Following my usual routine I took out my lemon wipes and traced a few over the desk until all traces of dust and dirt were cleared away. My friends all thought I had OCD but I simply liked working at a desk that was clean, it helped to keep my cluttered thoughts organized. My word opened instantly and I began to type letting all of my thoughts drift onto the page.

11

Pants Bras and Other Things Men Know Little About Column 96- Code Pink

By Bea Burke (Also know as Bobbie) Monday 23rd March 2009

“Life is a puzzle, everyday I think I am about to grab the last missing piece which will make me scream a triumphant AHA! But everyday I am disappointed when it seems a little too far from my reach. I hate to slander men all the time about how clueless they are but it’s baffling to me! I have heard from male friends and the legendary Captain Brianna that women are complex creatures that have you thinking something one minute and then the total opposite the next. Boy but can they talk? Men are the most confusing people on the planet. Sometimes saying they are unafraid of commitment until you come home one day asking if they want to have a key to your apartment and they go running the opposite direction. I just had an encounter with a mighty sexy man in an elevator but was completely lost to whether or not be was actually flirting with me, or if I was just being a stupid woman and over reading the situation. My friends and I like to call it a ‘Code Pink’ when you are in the company of a very sexy but are completely lost at what to do. I have this dilemma a lot. I am not an unattractive women and am smart enough to know that George Clooney is not our president however all the attractive men that I am dying to get to know are either in the company of some blonde playboy model (no offense to all you blondes I don’t want hate mail! Besides you all know I have blonde-brown hair) strapped to their toned arm. So here is mine as well as your predicament (unless you are the un-named blonde). Do I go after the guy who is too stupid to notice what is right in front of him collectively losing my pride along the way, or do I ignore them and go after those boring accountants and insurance men who seem to be in a surplus at the moment? Either is going to end in the diminishment of my pride so what do I do? Men are complaining about how women are stupid and can barely string more than a few words together well guess what! Going after bar flies and playboy models aren’t going to get you the most intellectual women by your side. By no means am I suggesting you try the stupid tactics most men do where they hit the library and bookstores where they believe all the “smart girls” hang. Here’s what you do men, go do some things you enjoy. Believe it or not some women might surprise you. A good friend of mine, Jodieis totally stunning but spends most of her time at work where she is a mechanic. Men don’t look past the boobs and butt to see what a great girl she is. Its time for men to take the plunge! Plenty of women have gone below their stated ‘league’ by giving other men a chance its time for you men to as well! Personally I am sick and tired of waiting around for an idiot of a man who doesn’t realize how amazing I know myself to be. Compared to some of the dimwits my male friends date I look like a genius. Look past the boobs ignore the legs and go for the personality, oh and in times of recession going after a lower maintenance girl will do wonders for your wallet. (Yes even the romance columnist reports on the credit crunch. What the hell has the world come to?)” I smiled content at what I had written in the space of 8 minutes. Perfect! I now had seven hours to kill before I made the guys down in 12

printing sweat by the fact my column wasn’t in. Taylor was going to kill me a since every Friday he reminded me to submit early. Hell you know what, I’m in a freakishly good mood I will submit early. Quickly going through my article I corrected grammar and spelling errors before attaching the file to an email document and hitting send. Hoisting myself off from the seat I clicked my neck in the manner that my friends deemed as disgusting and walked through the hallway into the kitchen. Grabbing a mug from the cupboard I flicked the kettle switch on and searched the shelves for the hot chocolate. Dammit I muttered to myself. Clearly Ali hadn’t bothered restocking after her week off a few days ago. Ugh I needed my chocolate and I quickly felt annoyed by the withdrawals I was experiencing. “Screw this,” I mumbled grabbing my keys and wallet as I made my way for the door. Rushing down the hallway that led to the elevator I stumbled slightly dropping the contents of my bag. “Oh shit… stupid… this is why you walk you idiot.” I grabbed my tampons that had spilled shamelessly out of my bag until I heard the most annoying sound. “I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation” Screaming in frustration I grabbed my phone at pressed the accept call button. “What!” I barked down the line. “Bea hun you ok? It’s Mandy.” I felt quickly remorseful and a bit guilty, “Sorry Mands! I am a bit frazzled at the moment, what’s up? Oh and how was your hot date!” She chuckled down the line, “Well umm how about I tell you when you come in?” I stopped collecting must stuff from the floor frozen on the spot. “Mandy. It’s a Sunday. You know that lovely day where I don’t wake up at five o clock in the morning, you know the only day I get off in a seven day week.” She sounded nervous, “I know and I tried to tell him, but he insisted on meeting you ASAP to go over everyone’s columns and different approach’s and stuff. But Bea, common don’t shoot the messenger!” I grumbled, “Sorry Carlos… am I forgiven… and wait who wants to meet me? I’m the boss remember.” She chuckled down the line, “I swear, you call me Carlos I’m going to call you Bobbie! Oh and not who but what, because holy crap is he a fine specimen. Not my type at all but I cant even deny that he is very attractive, in case your still wondering he’s the lovely man that you will be spending your day to day work time with. In other words the new co-editor oh and don’t blame him about coming in either I think he is just excited about getting to work here and stuff. He’s young almost as young as you. About twenty-two or three I think. But yes get your cute arse down here. And I know before you even begin the speech trust me I know! You don’t date co-workers. You’re so flipping frigid, un-strictly speaking of course. Love you Bea! See you in a few.” She hung up the phone before I could even get a word in edgeways and I grumbled angry to myself. Stupid job, stupid co-editor, stupid life, and stupid men! Flinging my bag over my shoulder I grabbed my blackberry off the ledge and wrote Ali a quick note explaining how the one day I had off in a week had been taken away. I would have to endure her speech later about the importance of saying no. Oh the joy. 13

Chapter 3 A familiar new boss, the creepy taxi drivers and a blast from the past. Life in New York City on the most part is amazing; there are times however I find it to be too much. A taxi ride is usually what does it for me. For some reason over the last year I have found that riding in a taxi is like going on an Internet dating site. You just get bombarded by date offers and phone number requests. At least on a website you can log off and politely decline, a taxi ride is a whole other story. It’s like your trapped in the confines of a person that just makes you skin crawl. I try desperately to walk to where I need to go; usually I succeed and go by my day without any taxi-maxis. I laughed to myself as I remembered the first time I was in a taxi with Ali and our drivers name was Maxi. The man would actually not take no for an answer. Both Ali and myself had to apply for restraining orders when he kept visiting our house. Needless to say he was a bit freaky and we both quickly stopped using the taxi service. Today was a bit of an emergency and I really wanted to know how Mandy had gotten on with her date. Standing at the edge of the curb I held my arm out and several taxis pulled to a halt. I chuckled lightly to myself… hmm I still got it. I climbed into the first on my right and politely told them the address, “328 5th Ave please, oh and I am in a hurry so I will pay extra if you go fast.” I glanced at the driver in the window and he was surprisingly attractive, “Sure we will be there in a minute.” I smiled genuinely at him and sat back into the headrest. Before I knew it he announced that we had arrived and I glanced at the total displayed on the digital screen- $8, not to bad at all. “Thanks that was really fast.” I reached into my bag gathering my wallet and handed him a $10 bill, “Keep the change.” He smiled at me a little to widely for my liking and what said what I assumed to be in a seductive way. “It’s really no problem at all.” Men. He sounded like a strangled cat in the desperate way he was purring. I rushed out off the cab in an attempt to get away from the freaky taxi driver and practically ran into Daily News building. “Bea! I didn’t know you were coming in today!” Groaning I turned around, “Hi Rob, and neither did I. If you’ll excuse me I’m late for a meeting.” He grinned at me and I braced myself, “Hey Bea you wanna get some coffee after you meeting I know a great new place that just opened up maybe we could get dinner after.” Every single flipping day he asks me. Every day it’s the same answer! Does he not understand the concept of no? “Sorry Rob I can’t you know my policy about not dating co-workers. I’ll see you later.” Scramming quickly I rushed to escape into an empty elevator. Thank God that was over for another day. I think I need to get Clare my fashion designer friend to make me a T-shirt that’s has in big capital letter, “NOT AVAILABLE.” Maybe he will get the picture then and leave me alone! The only downside of my perfect job was him. Robbie: the over needy, cant take no for an answer security guard who had taken it upon himself to ‘get 14

to know me’. I had a sixth sense when it came to that man, I actually knew when it was coming, when he would strike and ask for my phone number and a date. Sooner or later my waning patience was going to wear out and I would tell him exactly why I didn’t want to go on a date with him. Mostly his creepy nature kept me away but I heard that he had Chlamydia from a friend as wasn’t about to risk contracting anything. Not that I would lose my virginity to him. Pshh as if! I felt comfortable in the confines of the elevator and let out a gust of air that I hadn’t realized I was holding. I reached for the number 8 and felt the elevator moving slowly upwards. They always made me feel sick but I was too lazy to take the stairs. The doors dinged and opened slowly and I walked through the opening doors into the familiar setting of my floor. “Bea! Thank god you were fast I have to tell you about my date! We’ll meet for lunch m’kay? See you later, oh and good luck with the very gorgeous new boss.” She raised her eyebrows suggestively at me and I cringed, “Mandy no! Wrong on so many levels! And definitely I will swing by at 12 after I meet the ‘gorgeous new boss’.” I heard her chuckling as I made my ay though the glass doors into my office. Flinging my bag over my shoulder I collapsed into my chair and flicked my computer on. Slowly it drummed to life and I opened my email folder. “Spam, spam, rob, spam.” Wait? ROB? I clicked my intercom that connected to Mandy’s desk, “Mandy how the fuck does Rob know my email address?” I heard her nervous giggle from my desk, “Mandy you didn’t!” She swivelled her chair round to face my office and shrugged, “I thought he deserved a chance, what did he end up sending you?” I groaned and slumped back in my chair, “Mandy you realize you’re almost as bad as Ali?” She actually looked proud at that statement, wiping away a false tear she grinned at me, “Thanks Bobby! I feel so fucking loved it’s fantastic! Now meet the hunk that is your new partner! Even you will swoon!” I sniggered at her and got up from my chair to the office that was opposite mine. Mandy winked at me as I walked past and I responded with my signature eye roll. I reached the glass door that has blinds completely blocking all view. I knocked gently and heard a muffled response, which I took as a come in gesture. Opening the door I was shocked by the man that stood on the other side. “NO FRICKEN WAY! Scott, is that you?” A massive smile spread across his face, “BEA! Shit! I haven’t seen you since I transferred! How the hell have you been?” Wow weird question. How had I been? I could answer truthfully, and pour my heart out on him or answer with the generic reply. The latter seemed more promising, “I’m great! How about you? Still with Stephanie?” He looked pained and his shoulders shrunk a bit, “Yeah I’m great too, and nah Steph broke up with me for some guy named Hayden or something.” My mouth fell open, “Are you serious? Stupid girl, you should know I never liked her; I only kept the pretence up since you were so freakishly in love with her. She wasn’t good enough for you at all. How long ago was it?” He gulped and I felt bad for bringing all this crap up, “Err about 4 months ago on our 3rd anniversary and she just kind of drops the bombshell. I was actually going to ask her to marry me.” My mood went from sympathetic to furious at the drop of a hat, “Bea I know that look, leave it alone, my 15

mate Anthony took care of it and told her what an idiot she is. Please don’t get involved I have finally gotten over her and don’t want it to all be brought back up and stuff. Promise me, because knowing you… you’ll do something, make a call or make it from page news. Just promise me you’ll leave it alone okay? Bea common promise!” Gathering my anger I stored it away but I was still fuming, “Mmhmm” I mumbled not trusting myself to use words. “Bea.” He warned, “Fine! I wont ok! But Jesus she was always such a fucking fool! Inside that head of hers was just air! She is such a stupid… moronic, idiot! And dammit Scott I want to fucking tell her exactly how I always felt about her!” Rolling his eyes Scott grabbed my shoulders shaking me gently, “Bea, no. I know you hate her but really I’m fine. I think I am ready to start dating as well so don’t worry about me, it’s all good! I’m twenty years old there is plenty of time for me to find a girlfriend and settle down. You worry way too much about me!” I grinned, “I suppose I do. Hey! What are you doing tomorrow night? My friends Ali and Brian, wait you remember Cap’ Brianna right? Gay guy?” Rolling his eyes again he laughed, “How could I forget the epitome of gay wrapped in one dude, of course I remember what about him?” Amused I carried on, “Well, we are having a house warming tomorrow night because we just moved you should come! Bring a friend with you the more the merrier! Oh and that way I can tell them all about your embarrassing child hood! But you should know I am angry at you for calling me in, Sunday lately has been my only day off.” He frowned, “One day off? Is that it seriously Bea you work yourself way to hard. Some things never change! Oh and where do you live? If this house warming includes free food then bring it on, I will bring my friend Anthony.” Grinning unappeased by his previous comment I stood trying to recall my new address. “Ermm I actually don’t know where I live, it sounds really stupid but I haven’t bothered remembering the address, one sec let me call Ali.” Grabbing my phone from the back pocket of my jeans I scrolled down the contacts list to Ali’s name. Pressing the call button I shoved the phone to my ear and waited for her answer. “GIVE ME THOSE FUCKING SHOES YOU BITCH I SAW THEM… FIRST!” Oh god not again! I refuse to bail her out if she gets puts in jail again, “ALI! Put the shoes down I am not bailing you out this time! You hear me? DOWN!” I heard her grumbling as she reluctantly let go of the shoes. Phew, disaster averted. “What is so freaking important that I let go of this seasons Gucci it shoes? Hmm better be fucking important!” Uh oh. She was going to be pissed when she learned the reason for my call. “Erm I need to know our address I am inviting an old friend to our house warming and I forgot the address to the new place.” Anxiously I stood waiting for her frustrated scream which I was sure to get, “Bea you inviting someone- a male someone- a cute male someone? As in a DATE!” Oh god no! Scott and I were so just friends! “Yes Ali he is male, cute yes, but no not my date just a good old friend, calm the heck down! Can I have the address now?” Of course Ali would jump to the conclusion that Scott would the usual date guy. Of course he’s not. Scott is so special and one day a girl would snap him up for what he is! All the girls he had ever been with could never truly see what a great guy he is and we were always just friends so no 16

one saw him for what he really was. Ali’s voice interrupted my thoughts, “5th Avenue 39th Street, he better be cute Bea, and you need a real boyfriend and not just a fling for once.” Always urging me to not give up on love Ali has a never ending hope that one day her prince charming will show up. Sighing, “Thanks Ali and yeah, yeah see you at home.” I heard a sharp intake of breath, “Bea tell me you’re not at work.” Uh oh… “Ermm, I’m not at work.” I was so hopeless at lying that she saw straight though it, even on the phone, “BEA! What the hell is wrong with you! Do you actually enjoy work and are a freak or... I don’t know! You make me so confused!” She actually sounded worried, “Ali I just came to work to meet the new co-editor and found out that it’s an old friend. Don’t worry I’m not crazy I am leaving now okay!” I could practically hear her eyebrow being raised whilst she answered me, “Sure you are. Sure. Love you Bobby see you at home!” Evil, she knows how much I hate that stupid nickname; eh two can play at that game! “Ha! Yeah whatever Ben! See you at home!” Laughing to myself I turned to face Scott who had an amused expression on his face, “Ben and Bobby? Do I even want to know?” Oh god he had heard! “ Yes you do it’s an epic tale! But I’ll save it for tomorrow. The address is 5th Avenue 39th street apartment 62B. I gotta go I promised my wacko friend to leave the office so I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early!” He looked confused as if he was pondering over something, “5th Avenue 39th Street? You sure?” What’s this all about? “Yep definite why?” His smile was intoxicating, “I’m apartment 94A! My best bud Anthony lives in the building too.” Was he serious? That’s some serious coincidence right there! “Awesome! This is going to be a blast are you leaving now because I’m going home, I already wrote my column so I’m not needed here?” Nodding his head he walked to his desk, “Yeah one sec let me just call Anthony and we can go.” I leaned against the doorframe until I saw Mandy’s obnoxious waving to gesture me over. “Bea! You know him? From where! Details!” Chuckling at my over excited friend I sat on the ledge of her desk, “Oh we were really good friends in high school but he transferred in junior year to some strange country with no Internet or phone capabilities so we lost contact. Oh and before you ask no we never went out, and no I don’t want to.” Smiling at me, “I wasn’t going to ask, I could tell you guys were just friends but does he maybe have a cute brother or friend?” Chuckling I nodded my head, “Maybe, your coming tomorrow night right? I think he’s bringing a friend.” Her face lit up at the sound of that, “ Of course I’m coming, I’ll see you at seven my dear!” Laughing I got up from her desk and saw Scott standing with an amused expression on his face, “Ready to go Bobby?” Rolling my eyes I walked to him and gave a playful hit across the arm, “Shut up! Bye Carlos!” I yelled behind me and we turned out of the office and into an empty elevator, “Carlos?” Scott looked at me perplexed. “Yeah Mandy is Carlos, I’m Bobby, Ali as Ben and Brian is Captain Brianna. You’re already a boy so maybe we will have to give you an honorary girl name. What you think? You look like a Nicole or Yvette?” Almost choking in laughter he hit my arm, “Yvette? Where do come up with these names?” Smiling I was brought back to my favourite article about names and there important, “Eh, I wrote an article once about 17

the importance of male names and how they can make or break a relationship. I ended up looking at female names just for the fun of it in the end too. It was amusing to say the least.” His laughter subsided after a few seconds and he leaned against the elevator wall, “I bet it was. Jeez I haven’t that hard since the last time I saw you!” I was brought back to the time we had a food fight in my room the last day Scott was is town. It was so fricken funny but I was grounded for three months after that. It sucked but was so funny! “I remember! My mom almost burst a blood vessel when she saw my room. Three months I was grounded you realize that!” He frowned, “I got four! How’s that fair!” How illogical was that? “Umm dude! Do you not remember how trashed my room was? I had to clean it all up! I would have gladly taken another month if you had cleaned the mash potato out of my carpet! Oh and the beans in the rug was the worst! It was so sticky! Ughh incredibly good times and bad all mixed in one!” He looked relieved, “I totally forgot about how you would have to clean that up. God my four months looks brilliant next to that!” I put a serious face on, “Damn straight they do! I was in the midst of food for a week before it was all cleaned up. Not the mention how pissed my mom was for wreaking my jeans. She wouldn’t stop going on about it! Oh hey you want to share a cab.” We climbed out of the elevator and walked though the revolving doors, “Yep sure common.” I reached my hand out and a cab stopped, Scott reached to open my door and I smiled, “It doesn’t matter that I have thrown mash potato at you carpet and hair if my mom knew I wasn’t opening your door she would butcher me alive!” I chuckled; it was true of course Heidi- Scott’s mother was an extreme believer in chivalry. “Oh my god! How is she? Is she still in erm… where did you move again?” he seemed annoyed that I couldn’t remember the name, “Shonasburgh is not that strange of a place you know! I can’t believe you still can say it! And no she’s not they are all living in Chicago. The cold got to be a bit too much and she wanted a change in scenery, we moved back last year and I met Anthony at a night college course. He’s a doctor down at the hospital on 5th. I was studying psychology and then did a creative writing course and well now I’m doing this! How long have you worked here?” Hmm a doctor? Maybe Ali will go for him, “Oh umm a few months, I write a column and it got really great feedback so when the old editor died the put me in charge temporarily. I think they will replace with some corporate guy soon but oh well, so far it’s been amazing!” Glancing down at my watch I noticed how quickly time had passed, “Shit Scott! Ali is going to kill me we need to get back now! Common taxi faster!” As if the taxi was unknowingly following my command we started going faster and faster with no traffic holding us back. That never happens! Freaking New York City for God’s sake! Well whatever I’m not complaining! A few seconds later the taxi screeched to a halt and Scott dug through his coat pockets for the fare. Shoving into the taxi driver’s face we clamoured out and practically ran into the building. “Your awfully scared of your best friend!” Chuckling frightened I spoke with a deliberate ominous tone, “Just wait until you meet Ali.” Laughing at the seriousness of my expression we ended up having to rush into an elevator that was just 18

about to shut. That of course brought my mind right back to earlier, and the man with the sapphire eyes.

Chapter 4 The Line and the Land “Ok Scott this is me, I’ll text you tomorrow to remind you to come over! I’m not letting you pass the amazing opportunity of spending time with me up.” Rolling his eyes he nodded his head seriously, “Oh yeah… I wouldn’t miss it for the world. God B! Still as arrogant as usual!” I stared at him incredulously, “Arrogant! I am like the least arrogant person ever! Aside from you! I swear you like the only guy I know who blushes when a cute girl smiles at him! It’s so funny! Oh my god! Please tell me you still do that!” Shuffling his feet uncomfortably Scott gazed at his feet. “Umm yeah. But I can’t control it! It’s not my fault!” Same Scotty as before and I wouldn’t have it any other way! “I know just like I cant control my apparent ‘arrogance’. Well we can argue about this tomorrow! See you late loser!” I loved how carefree I could still be carefree with him even after all these years. “Yeah whatever Bobby.” The sound of that name halted my steps. Oh he’s good! Still knows exactly how to push my buttons. “Yeah! Never call me that again. See you later Scott.” Waving I skipped down the hallway leading to the apartment. “ Honeys! I’m HO-ME!” I giggled lightly to myself at our little tradition. We were like a married couple or something, I think our neighbours would have thought we were a lesbian couple if Brian hadn’t of been clever enough to move next door. “In my bedroom darling! AND BRIAN NO FOR FUCK SAKE! IT’S A CLUB NOT A FUCKING CIRCUS. I REFUSE TO DRESS LIKE A LEATHERED UP HOOKER!” Rolling my eyes at their extreme immaturity I dropped my bags and made my way to Ali’s bedroom. Making my way to the door I contemplated whether or not to even mention Scott’s surprise arrival to Ali. She had been under the ridiculous notion ever since the first time that I had mentioned him that we were meant to be. Apparently it was just ‘waiting to happen’ little did she know Scott and I had always been very open to the fact that we did not find the other sexually attractive. It must have been because we were so undeniably close that even the thought of a romantic relationship with the other makes our stomachs churn. As I approached the door I decided it would be safer if I saved my own butt and casually ‘forget’ to mention he is coming until ten minutes before guests were due to arrive. Taking a deep breath I entered the hellhole that Ali liked to call her bedroom. “Al, I am assuming it was you screaming those shocking profanities?” I had to hold my laughter in furiously as I caught sight of her expression. She was totally flustered in the midst of hundreds of clothes in her usually perfectly primped room. “Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell happened to you fucking room?” It is common knowledge that Ali had a mild case of OCD and likes things to be kept nice and tidy. Her bedroom at the moment 19

looked like a hurricane had hit it. Her eyes turned beady as she looked up at me, “You want to know what happened to my fucking bedroom? A fucking tornado going by the name Brian stopped by. He is helping me pick my outfit for tomorrow and is adamant like I go looking as if I stepped out of the fucking playboy mansion.” Wow Ali hadn’t sworn so much since so girl got the last Chanel quilted bag in Macys. Good times. “Wow Ali breathe! Go back to your happy place whilst I get Brian in here to clean this God-awful mess! BRIAN! GET YOUR OVERLY HOT ASS IN HERE NOW!” After some grumbling from his part I heard a muffled reply that sounded as if it came form the kitchen, “Coming mom… jeez! Stupid Ali and her stupid OCD-ness.” He was so right, both of us been at the tail end of Ali and her craziness, especially when it came to her freakishly neat bedroom. Everything had to be put in it’s proper place and she would go into a screaming fit if she noticed that something have been moved without her consent. It was like living in a freaking library. Each of her books were perfectly organised according to alphabet, then year published and then personal preference. It was so funny when she found a book out of place because she actually called a ‘roommates meeting’. Nevertheless the fact her room was in the state that it was is a flat out shocker. Ali represents the epitome of general hygiene; she almost castrated me when I left a bra on my chair. See that’s the only issue I have with her OCD disorder, she doesn’t drop it to the confines of her room, the whole house has to be perfectly spotless. I felt truly sorry for the wrath that Ali was about to unleash upon Brian. That is if he ever had the courage to walk into the room. Ali was going to get even madder surely he knew that. “”BRIAN GET YOU FUCKING ASS IN THIS ROOM NOW! I AM GOING TO BURN YOUR SILK UNDERWEAR IN 10 SECONDS. Bea get me my lighter from the draw.” Brian must have heard the last part of the conversation because he came running into the room screaming, “Not the underwear! Please not the underwear! Have some mercy!” If Brian had a prized possession it was his silk boxers. For some reason he loved them and every time we went shopping he had to buy another pair. I think at the moment his number was up lose to three hundred pairs. Every pair was precious in his eyes and he went mental when Ali threatened to do anything to them. Burning was seen as just plain devious and Ali knew exactly what she was doing. About two years ago after we finished a French voluntary class, Brian, Ali and I all went to the pub and got totally smashed. Some time between bears we constructed a list of rules that we liked to call the ‘line and the land’. The concept was utterly preposterous and was just me screaming a loud of gibberish which they seemed to just lap up. I ranted about how talking about freaky ex’s was crossing the line and that from then on there was ‘land’ that you had to stay on. It was all very confusing but every time one of us does something which we believe to be against the set rules we just scream, “THE LINE THE LAND,” and the person is reminded of their boundaries. Over the years it has developed into a game of sorts and now there was a hefty list of this that we are bound not to mention. Brian had commanded amongst other that we were not allowed to tamper with his underwear in any way. Of course Ali went around this 20

by just threatening to do something to them rather than actually doing anything. It was hilarious to see Brian get all flustered and not realize that she actually wouldn’t do anything to his poor underwear. Brians panicked screams echoed through the hallway as he rushed into Ali’s strangely messy room, “ALI NO! I WILL CLEAN IT, PLEASE WHAT DID THE PANTIES DO TO YOU!” I could barely hold the boisterous laughter in when Brian cam in saying that. He never ceased to surprise me. I always envied the way that Brian could be completely carefree and yet still have a really serious side to him when you needed it to be there. I never understood why I had such great friends like those two. They kept me completely entertained twenty four seven. Marvelling over Brian’s personality is always so much fun since he is always completely true to himself. Ali is exactly the same except she is less insane. The way her lips were puckered into a annoyed pout was completely priceless. She was sitting on the foot of her bed looking thoroughly annoyed by Brian’s screaming and messy tendencies. “Brian, take it down and octave or two! Jeez I think both Bea and I would like to hear after this argument is over.” I nodded my head furiously remembering the annoying pinging noise that Ali and I had both suffered the last time Brian and I had a screaming match. “I totally second that! Lets keep our voices at a regular screaming level, not going totally insane into your own little league ‘cough’ Brian.” Rolling his eyes at our seriousness he leaned against the door frame glancing at an imaginary watch on his left wrist, “You guys done? Or should I set up shop for the day?” I glanced over at Ali, “Hmm I’m not sure, I think all our bases are pretty much covered what you reckon Bobster?” Ali nodded her head in a professorial manner, “Yes I think so. Now to the matter at hand.” Ali smoothed her shirt out and flicked her hair out of her face- a clear sign she meant business. “Brian, dear old Brianna, would you like to tell exactly why the fuck my room looks as if a bloody bomb hit it?” I painfully winced as Ali’s words gradually got higher and higher until the room was echoing with a high pitched squeak. “ALI PLEASE! DOWN AN OCTAVE OR TWO.” She glanced back at me irritated and murmured a half-hearted apology. “Anyway. Brian care to explain yourself? If you can?” I had to hold my laughter in whilst glancing at his expression. He actually looked freaked. It amazed me that Ali at hundred and ten pounds was scaring Brian shitless- a man who was almost as tall as the both of us put together. “Well… you see… ermm… I just wanted to help you out for your interview and I got a bit excited I’m really sorry! Oh! And we have to help Bea get ready on Friday for her date too! It’s only two days away! Please forgive me Ali!” Ali’s face went from pissed to just plain excited. “I wont forget this Brian but- A DATE! YAY! Oh em geeee! She can wear that rose top and red cardigan, jean shorts? OR the grey top and ruffle skirt? Why didn’t you say so earlier Bea! You know how much I love organizing dates! Choices, choices lets do a mini fashion show to see what the good possibilities are!” Brian looked ready to double over with laughter at Ali’s easy distraction but he had known me long enough to see that it wasn’t wise to piss me off more that necessary. Whatever, it was one date it can’t be that bad… hopefully. “Brian I will, and don’t doubt me, kill you for unleashing the freaky ‘excited 21

Ali’.” Brian smirked at my anger pleased to have the attention on me and off of him for a change.

22