What Are Our Options By Pat Harris Lmft, Contributions By Steve Mccrea

What Are Our Options? Letters from the hearts of a child, a teenager and a parent If you’re a parent. you can make a difference

A Visual Book by Pat Harris Family Therapist ResolveToHeal.com

With Steve McCrea “Mr. Mac” Educator, Video Producer and Small School Advocate FindASmallSchool.com (954) 646-8246 ISBN13: 978-1-879857-35-3 ISBN: 1-879857-35-9 Copyright 2007 Pat Harris

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Dedication This book is dedicated to all the people who mean so much to us, especially Henry and JK. To the people who inspired us and to the people who will read these words, this book is our gift to you. This book brings you the following phrases: “Now, listen here…” “What are our options in this situation?” “What’s another way to look at that?” “How can we reframe that?” …and it all comes back to reframing, doesn’t it?

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Introduction Do you sometimes get angry or scared? And then does someone say something that calms you? That’s what this book brings you: Calming words. Letters from the heart. When you wish you could hear something honest, something soothing, something to help you forget your problems, turn to the section called “After the Storm.” This book also brings you the latest in research about the brain and some creative pieces that I’ve used when dealing with anger (with my clients and with myself). I don’t expect you to monitor five different TV channels, National Public Radio and three newspapers. My research staff and I have compiled what caught our attention over the past ten years. This book started when we mentioned to a parent, “What do you know about the different ways of learning?” The parent’s blank look gave us the insight: This parent is overworked and has no time to watch TV for educational purposes. He’s too busy raising his kids. What would happen to our schools, families, relationships, communities if 200,000 parents were 5

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instantly up-to-date with the latest research? What ways could that information be presented to these parents? What if these families had access to calming talks from a family therapist on an audio CD? What is the essence of the messages from scientists? Can we deliver the ideas quickly, so we don’t waste the time of these busy parents? That’s the reason behind this book. We want to give you the basics, with some photos to help get the message across. I come to this work with a focus on options…especially options away from violence. There are many ways to resolve conflict. There are many ways to avoid bullies and “cracking” (negative, “playful” but harmful jokes that kids tell each other)… Can we resolve conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force? The order of the chapters shows progress. We begin with Elementary School Students and move to Teenagers. The poem by Tommy Rahill gives us an interlude to Break the Cycle. Then we look at Managing Anger, which is at the heart of most of our problems. In the fifth chapter we look at two types of victims – the targets of bullies and the bullies themselves. Next we hear words to pick us up “after the storm.” In the seventh chapter we discuss Ten Ways to Extend Your Child’s Education. Then we look at the research that supports much of what appears in this book in a chapter called Five Things that might help a parent (new information about the brain)

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We close with appendices: A Letter From the Heart, a list of styles of distorted thinking, a checklist for improving your child’s writing and a teacher’s call for more cooperation with family therapists. To help audio learners, we include an audio CD. I hope you will tell us what we should include in the next edition. Please suggest new topics… we’ll put them on our web site at ResolveToHeal.com. Pat Harris Click on “Contact Us” at ResolveToHeal.com Fort Lauderdale, Florida Family therapist and Life Coach

Frequently Asked Questions about this book 1.

What is the organization of the book? It might be possible to find an order in these chapters. In fact, they are placed in chronological order as they were transcribed from meetings between Steve and Pat. Pat gave the Anger Management talk in 2004 to the eighth grade at Downtown Academy in Fort Lauderdale and the rest of the items were recorded after Hurricane Wilma (October

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2005). There is a sense of “let’s look at the storms that we have survived,” then “let’s look at our anger” before we look at systems around us that cry out for reform. The later chapters about schools show Pat’s interest in reaching students through academic situations. This work grows from the foundation of the early chapters where we acknowledge that “we have options.”

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What motivated you to put together this book? Bookmaking is an obsession with Steve. He looks around for topics that need capturing. This project, which could have been called “We Have Options,” is more than a book: there are DVDs with Pat’s presentation on anger management, and audio CDs to capture the soothing voice of the family therapist. The power of an “audio letter from the heart of a teenager” means there are sometimes pointed reminders and direct “calls to action” in these pages. Since there are many ways of learning, some people may prefer to listen to rather than read the messages. This book is for your reference and it is hoped that you won’t rush through it. Take your time, think about the messages, and remember the adage that many therapists repeat: Work happens between sessions, too. Insights often come after we think about what we said during a “breakthrough” session with a therapist. The time and thought you put into these issues while the book is closed is far more important than what these pages contain.

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3.

Why are there pictures of food throughout the book? Our culture inundates us with images of processed foods. Some of the basic goodness of fruit and vegetables has been lost under glazes and eye-catching packaging. The photos come from web sites that post images that are in the public domain, so we just need to note that the photos in the back part of the book come from David Beard and the images in the front of the book are by Jacci Howard Bear of desktop.about.com.

Image by JK McCrea

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Table of Contents Introduction (5) 1 For Elementary School Students (12) 2 For Teenagers (16) 3 Break the Cycle (26) 4 “Does Your Anger Manage You?” (28) 5 Bullies – Taking Care of Just You (36) 6 “After the Storm” (46) (words to help you get through difficult times) 7 Ten Ways to Extend a Child’s Education (60) 8 Five Things that might help a parent (76) (Five Useful Things About How Your Child Learns) 9 It’s the Size of the School (not the Classroom) (86) 10 ADHD – Does It Have to be a Deficit? (91) 11 A Letter From the Heart (108) Appendix 1 Check List for Writing a Composition (112) Appendix 2 Styles of Distorted Thinking (114) Appendix 3 A List of Audio Letters (116), LASSIE (118), Prepare for a Good School Year (120), Gratitude (132) Appendix 4 A Note to principals about Family Therapists (135) Appendix 5 Working With Technology (a seminar) (140)

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Calling all parents Are you feeling like a broken record when it comes to dealing with your child or adolescent? Are you getting the results you want when it comes to raising your child? Is your child making the transition from childhood to adolescence without too much trauma to the rest of the family? Are you and your child able to negotiate without tears and anger? Do you want to focus on solutions and become an effective parent? This book is for you.

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1 For Elementary School Students and Their Parents

Summary for Parents Anger doesn’t just “happen.” Young children can learn to talk about their anger. Anger management is for everyone. The following text comes from Pat’s CD for elementary students.

Track ONE Hello, boys and girls. What does the word “anger” mean to you? Do you remember the last time you were angry? What did you do? Can you recall the last time you were angry? We want you to take a few minutes to think about the last time you were angry and draw a picture. Pick up a pencil and paper. Or get some colored markers. Draw a picture of the last time when you

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were angry and be sure to put yourself in your picture. Make a drawing like a picture in a coloring book, include yourself in the picture. Take your time. Be aware of your feelings Are you having any feelings when you remember this moment? Are you feeling angry? Are you feeling sad? In the end, are you feeling happy? What type of feelings are you having? Write down those words. There are feelings. Then let’s talk about it. I haven’t been the only person getting angry. I think other people get angry. What’s important is that we learn what we do with the anger. That’s it! Let’s look at the pictures! Track TWO How can we handle all this anger? I wish I knew how to deal with anger. I’m going to ask my mommy how she deals with anger. I’m going to ask my big sister. I might even ask my teacher. What could I do before I hit someone? I might count to ten using my favorite animals. I like dogs. One dog, two dogs, three dogs, four dogs, five dogs, six dogs, seven dogs, eight dogs, nine dogs, ten dogs. Sometimes when I get angry at somebody and I count

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the number of dogs, I forget why I was angry. I was so busy counting the dogs. Yes, I’m going to try it. I might try counting giraffes or hippos or horses. It doesn’t have to be animals. Come up with something on your own. Any animal you like. We’d love to learn a new way to do this. When I’m told to do something that I don’t want to do, sometimes I get mad. I don’t wanna do it. What can I tell myself to get this work done? “It’s okay, go ahead. Do the homework. It will soon be finished. The more time I put it off, the more time I won’t have to play. You know I love to play.” Can you ask for help? Please ask for help. Someone will be willing to help you. Look at what you did! You asked for help! Just say, “I don’t understand this.” It’s okay to ask for help. Do you notice? Your face isn’t frowned up. You aren’t in the corner. You are better in the group. We need you in the group. Keep up the good work. You can do it. You’re going to do great. Track THREE for Parents This is for the parent of the Elementary school child. Help your child get an understanding of anger.

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Help your child understand what anger means and solutions and ways of dealing with anger without violence. Listen to your child’s understanding of anger. Always remember we are looking for additional options. Violence does not solve problems. Our intention is to assist you to become a better teacher. Teaching is a partnership between parents, teachers and students Remember, you are the original teacher. This CD is part of a series of Audio CDs prepared by Pat Harris as a way to help parents, students and teachers deal with anger. For more information, contact Pat at 954 735 8721 ResolveToHeal.com

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2 For Teenagers

Summary for Parents “Cracking” or teasing = abuse Teasing and “ragging on” younger or weaker people are not “normal” behaviors. Bullies do these things. Can we resolve conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?

Move over. What do you mean move over?! I don't even want to sit next to you. You smell any way. Look, you're so fat -- I'd be able to sit here if you weren't so fat. What!? I'll bust you in the nose.

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What's happening here? “Cracking.” Some kids think it’s clever to say negative things about other people. It’s clever! But cracking leads to fighting. Cracking is a form of fighting. You say something about me, I say something about you. You hit me below the belt. You think that I'm going to sit back while you shame me in front of my peers, then everybody else is going to want to crack on me. No. Cracking is a form of fighting.

It's your fault that I got angry. You should never have said anything about my mother. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gone off. Yeah, go ahead, blame me. It's my fault because your momma's fat? Look, it's your fault that I got angry. Oh, so I'm supposed to take responsibility for how you feel and what you do. Look, it wasn’t my idea to talk about my family. So what's happening? We're talking about buttons. The buttons that each of us owns. Who owns these buttons? When someone shouts at me about my mother or she's talking to me about how fat I am, who 17

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owns those buttons? I'm responsible for what I say and what I do. I'm the owner of the buttons. They are my buttons. Think about this. At some point I became scared. My biggest concern is about how people are going to see me. What are my peers going to say? Who else is going to pick on me next? How will I become the scapegoat? Will I become the talk of the school? Remember, as a teenager, I'm dealing with peer pressure. I'm dealing with my own shame about being embarrassed. It's enough for me to adjust to being a teenager and being isolated. I think people are looking at me and I'm wondering what they are saying about me. It's time for some intervention. Here's what my mother did... I was faced with a situation at school. A kid called my momma fat. I became angry instantly, and I was angry all day long. It kept going over and over in my brain:

He called my momma fat!

I don't like that. I

just don't like that. I felt that I had to stand up for my momma. Until I got home. I said to my mother,

he called you fat!"

"Momma,

My mother stood and said to

me, "I am fat."

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Boy, the light went on. That was when I realized that my mother was fat. My mother acknowledged the fact that she was fat. That took the power out of the fight. I no longer had the need to defend my mother. My mother validated me. As I looked at her, even though she was fat, that didn't stop me from loving her. She is my mother, regardless of her size. I no longer allowed other children to push my buttons or to tease me. They could say what they liked and it made no impression on me. I used to act like a yo-yo, up and down, up and down. I used to react to anything the other children would say. But

I went from reacting to now

responding. I knew that I would no longer allow my peers to take charge of me. I started to take charge of my emotions and how I dealt with issues at that age. I can take the power out of whatever someone might say.

"Hey, Pat, your momma is so fat." "You are right, she is fat. And it seems like my momma is getting bigger and bigger every day." 19

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"Uh, no, you’re supposed to be cracking with me!" I have taken the power out of it. I am no longer going to allow you to have me going off, acting like I'm crazy, acting like I'm losing it. I'm no longer losing it. Fat is only a word.

Man, please, can we move on to something else? I'm no longer going up and down like a yo-yo, so don't come back to me with that.

This student in Curitiba, Brazil, wants to exchange email messages with students in the USA. Cultural interaction is part of the LASSIE system (see Appendix 3, page 118) for student success.

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Comment by a teacher: Pat took the power out of the fight. As a teacher, I respect courage in my students, when they get that power, when they find out for themselves that they don't have to react. Pat learned how to respond. The Difference between Reacting and Responding There's a big difference. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, you are reacting to something in the past. Something happened and you responded to it the way you responded to something similar a year or two before. Let me give you an excellent exercise:

Exercise Think about a time when you were very angry. Allow yourself to get the same feeling the last time you got so angry. Get in touch with that feeling. Go to a past event in your life when you had that same feeling. Get a vision and see what you see. That's where the anger is coming from. The anger today is coming from the past and some event that happened back then. that was then, this is now. Allow yourself

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to come into the moment, deal with what you need to deal with and recognize that the past is not done with. if I continue to react to something in the past, then I'm not done with it. By stepping into the moment, it gives me another option. I can choose to respond to the present (to the current situation), not to something from a past event.

I often say to myself, "I know where that is coming from." It puts me in charge of that, not it in charge of me. Here's another point: we learn to rely on our inner strengths. I can do this, says the child. Notice this about your self-talks. We talk to ourselves more than we talk to anyone else. Notice this angry self-talk: "I don't know who he is, but he doesn't know me. He doesn't know what is going on. I'm not going to accept his view of who I am. I'm going to show him." Imagine seeing some of your peers at the bus stop. I can boost myself to become angrier with my negative

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self talk. I've giving myself a mission to go off. Do you notice it? What's behind all of this? My fear. How can I change my self-talk? What can I say to myself to change my feelings in the moment?

Listen to this positive self-talk: "Phew. This is not the end of the world. What other options do I have? How can I do this differently? Do I have to shout at this person who is saying bad things about me? What do I need to do for myself right now? how do I take charge of just me? I sure can't take charge of the other individual. he's going to say whatever he wants to say." If the situation continues to bother me, I can ask myself, "What other resources do I have? how can I utilize some of my problem-solving skills? What is the problem? Whose problem is it? What options do I have? What could resolve this?"

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If I come up with a solution and it doesn't work, I'll try something else. You know what I'm going to tell myself? This too shall come to pass. I'm going to work this out. I'm going to work it out so I don't have to become violent. Violence does not solve problems. I will be assertive, not aggressive." I need to be able to get my needs met. Let me get it right in the middle between weak and aggressive. I need to be assertive, I need to verbalize my needs without blaming the other individual. I need to take responsibility for what I say and what I do. My actions can be congruent with what I say. These are just are few of the interventions that I can use. It starts with me. These interventions are a beginning.

From a teacher: Here's an example of what some of my students have done.

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Hey, Mr. Mac, remember how you told me I should count to ten before I say anything? It really worked yesterday. Somebody called me a really bad thing and I was about to hit him. I thought, What's my option here? By the time I got through counting to ten, they had walked away, nobody knew what they had said, and I didn't have to deal with the situation. That's an example of an intervention that worked. A short exercise Get a piece of paper and some colored pens. Think of a time when you were really angry. Feel what it was like to be in that moment. Feel what it was like to have someone say something to you. Draw that picture. I'm not an artist, but I know how to make stick figures. I'm going to draw the other person and me, I'm going to show where the incident took place, and I'm going to write down exactly what happened. As you follow those steps, make sure to get in touch with those feelings that you are having. Look at those emotions that surface while you are in the process of creating the scene. Make sure that in this scene you include everybody that was involved. Include yourself. Get in touch with those emotions that you are having. Take some time out to really get in touch with what is going on. Then turn your sheet over and draw a picture of the happiest moments in your life when you were laughing out of control.

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3 Break the Cycle Summary for Parents A poem can get to the heart of the matter Can we resolve conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?

By Tommy Rahill

Hey, you, break the cycle Break the cycle What am I talking about? Who am I talking to? I’m talking to the men and women out there who’ll know what I’m saying. Your father didn’t treat you well. He wasn’t there for you. He was a little rough on you or maybe worse. It might not have been your father, someone else maybe. Perhaps it was a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a complete stranger.

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It might have been your mother Or both parents. Life’s not always fair. How many millions of people heard that! It’s your turn now. What are you going to do ? The same &$%*^%?! thing that happened to you? Break the cycle! Little hurt boy inside, Little hurt girl inside Break the cycle! Your kids deserve it, your spouse deserves it You deserve it. Whatever it is, whoever you are Break the cycle.

Mentors outside Downtown Academy 27

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4 “Do You Manage Your Anger, or Does Your Anger Manage You?”

Summary for Parents Anger is a tool. It’s a signal. Can we use the signal or does the signal “turn us on”? Can we use anger to resolve conflict by looking at options?

Perform your understanding: In the spaces below, you will be asked to select a word or phrase to fill in the blank. Does anger ___________ or do you manage anger?

Question 1: Does anger __________? a. excite you b. make you feel alive c. manage you What Are Our Options?

Segment Anger 2 Set the ground rules

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00:31 I'm going to always ask for what I need. Are you with me? I'm going to ask for your cooperation. I'm here to have a good time. Before I leave here today, if you don't know about your own anger and your anger cues and what triggers you, you're going to know that. We're going to talk about taking charge of the person that you can take charge of. And that's ________. I want you all to participate. I'm going to do this with respect. Everybody's going to be heard because everybody's got something important to give. I think I've set the tone for this time together. Let's get started. segment ends at 1:44

Question 2: Pat wants you to take charge of ______ a. your mother b. your friends c. you

7:40 Segment Anger 3 Boosters I want you to go to the last time when you were angry. Are you with me? We do something, don't we? Before we get angry, we get hurt. Right? We have a self talk, don't we? I start telling myself something I don't like what she did. She shouldn't have done that to me. She said this and she knows I don't appreciate that. I'll show her. Do you know anything about boosters? Do you hear how I'm boosting myself? What am I 29

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giving myself permission to do? I give myself permission to ___________.

Question 3: When I boost myself, I give myself permission to __________ a. eat sardines. b. hide c. let out my anger. I convince myself that I am right and the other people are wrong.

Is it positive or negative? Everything is negative. Even though I'm mad, what is behind that mask? Behind that mask is fear. When I walk around with a frown, I'm saying, "stay away from me, don't come near me" end 10:25 start 10:30 Segment Anger 4 Consequences All of those are negative self talks. Watch the difference in what I'm going to do. I'm going to have a positive self talk with myself. I have no control over what people say. This doesn't mean that this is the end of the world. What other solutions are there? Notice what I said. Solutions. I'm looking to ___________ problems. Notice that when you feel that you don't have an out, you start to feel that your back is up against the wall.

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Question 4: I'm looking to ______ problems. a. create b. run away from c. resolve or fix or solve

What I need to ask is if I fight, what's going to happen? There are consequences. Can I afford to deal with those consequences? Most of the time, no. It's time to use your problem solving skills. I don’t care where we go. Remember this: We attack problems, we don't attack people. 12:14 12:20 Segment Anger 5 Sit Down "Cracking" is setting me up for a fight. As soon as you hit me below the belt, as soon as you push my buttons, then I'm going to react. What did I not do I didn't think. Instead of reacting, what do I need to do? I can compromise, I can have a positive talk with my self. I can think we're always looking for _________________

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Question 5: When I have a positive self-talk, I am looking for _______________ a. a fight b. an escape c. options and solutions

I can tell myself to sit down. I need to take charge of just me. start 20:10 Segment Anger 6 Displaced Anger Let's talk about displaced anger. There's a possibility that I might be angry before I left home. I come to school and I bring it with me. You are so innocent, you don't know what's happening. "What are you doing, looking at me?" If I own it, I can learn from it, I can benefit from it. "I do that!" If you own it, you can control it. I need to learn how to control it. I'm not letting out over everybody else’s problems. Question 6 If I own it, I can ______ it. a. avoid Do I want anyone b. sell exploding on me? I c. learn from don't want it. It feels like an attack. It does not have to be about you. You do not own other people's problems. Doesn't that make sense? If it's between two young ladies, I don't have to get

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in the middle of it. But how often do we get in the middle? start 23:55 Anger 7 I Know About Anger Do you know why I know so much about anger? I used to be anger, too! I love managing my anger. I'm forever looking for solutions. Are you with me? What else can we do? Notice this about behavior: Whatever you do at this school, it goes wherever you go. If you have a problem, you _______________________

Question 7: If you have a problem, Pat Harris* says that you ______ a. can give it to a friend. b. can let your mother handle it. c. can't walk away from it

I'm sad when I hear a parent say, "I'm taking my kid out of that school, there are too many problems over there." If you don't try to solve the problem, it's going to follow right behind you. end 25:45 start 26:04 Segment Anger 8 The Hole The story about the hole Today I was walking down 3rd avenue, I saw a big hole in the road. Then I fell in the hole. It's so dark in here. Finally I got out. 33

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the next day I walked down the same road. I fell in the hole again. it's so dreary in this hole. I struggled harder to get out. The next day I saw the hole and walked around the hole. The next day, I ____________________t. Question 8: In the story, the next day, the person (I) decided to.... ______ a. dig another hole and fall into it b. fall in the same hole again (because I missed being down there) c. go down a different street and avoid the hole

Sometimes, when the pain becomes so great and I get sick of it, I'm willing to learn something new. Ask for help. Instead of struggling and recreating the same problem. Does everyone understand? It's okay to ask for help. Cooperation and working together as a team works. Let me leave you with a reminder: Manage your anger. Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else but ________. It's what you do with it. Get in touch with rage and where it’s coming from. Thank you.

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Question 9 Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else except...__________ a. your mother b. your friends c. you (if it's my anger, the only permanent harm comes to me. If it's your anger, the permanent harm comes to you)

For the complete audio recording, contact Pat Harris. Pat Harris offers seminars and workshops for teachers, professionals, parents and students (during school and after school).

To participate in email exchanges with students who are learning English, write to [email protected] in Curitiba, Brazil.

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5 Bullying: Taking Care of Just You A bully is someone who imposes his or her will on another person. Let's begin by examining how it gets started. Let's look at power and control.

Summary for Parents Bullying = abuse Teasing and “ragging on” younger or weaker people are not “normal” behaviors. Bullies do these things.

What is emotional abuse? Putting someone down, making that person feel bad about him or herself. Calling them names, making her or him think that they are crazy, playing mind games. Humiliating the individual or making the person feel guilty. that is all about emotional abuse. Does a person have to hit me to abuse me? No. The emotional abuse eats away at the inner core of my being.

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Look for "Duluth Model" on the Internet. For an Tom Graves Duluth" batteredmen.com/duluwomn.htm eurowrc.org/05.education/education_en/15.edu_en.htm massey.ac.nz/~kbirks/gender/viol/duluth.htm

Using Isolation (a personal story) When I was in fifth grade, I was a bully. I didn’t think I was a bully. I was doing what everyone else was doing. In our class, there was a girl named Abby. She wore yellow dresses when everyone else wore other colors. She had little flowers embroidered on the dresses. We thought this was silly. On top of that, we all agreed that she was ugly. She had cooties. Each one of us, agreed, without discussing it, that we're not going to play with Abby. We controlled where she could sit. If she was trying to join us, we made sure that she wasn't part of the game. We limited her involvement in our group. I certainly didn't think that I was a bully. I was just doing what the other kids were doing. It's taken me 35 years to realize that I was a bully. It helped to become a teacher to become sensitive to these isolating behaviors. Did you ever use threats? "I will bust your eyes out." Or I'll do something to hurt you. I'll tell you things like, "Do you need this pen? I'll make sure you won't get it." I'll even try to make you do things that I wouldn't do. Sometimes older people use power and control to get younger people to sell drugs. The younger children won't be incarcerated and the older people push young

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children to commit these crimes because "If you don't do that, I will do this to you." We are looking at items behind the Duluth model, part of a system used in Duluth, Minnesota to deal with physical violence or abuse against spouses. Some of the topics include: Using Intimidation. I call this the "negative marketing campaign." When there's a marketing campaign, the new product is introduced with a big show. Perhaps there is a one-minute commercial and millions of people see an apple in the logo. Apple -- That's a funny name for a computer. After the big ad campaign, the company can reduce the size of their commercials. After many months, the company just has to show its logo. A rainbow colored apple logo makes people think, "Oh, that's a friendly computer." I know that computer because of the long advertising campaign. Rock stars use marketing. They have a big show and then eventually you just see their name in print and you can imagine their music. A rock star who wears just one glove leaves an impression in our minds. Now, anytime we see a single glove, the rock star's image comes to mind. We know who that is. In the same minimal way, bullies build a marketing campaign. By using intimidation, the bully can make you afraid just by a look or gesture. The bully just has to hint that he's carrying a weapon. "You know, I have a knife in my bag." That's all he has to whisper and instantly we can see the knife at our throat. There's this image, the marketing is so powerful, and the hint can get us using our imagination to get intimidated. The typical bully is good at exerting control over victims by continuing a negative marketing campaign.

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We know that once you start a campaign, you must continue it to maintain the control over the consumer, to continue to attract them. Just because you are wellknown today doesn't mean you should stop advertising. The bully continues to advertise through small looks. "Uh-UH-UH!" his eyebrow says. “Don't move ahead. I’m first." Or a small flick of his hand says, "Don't even think of having the last apple. That's mine." I'm going to talk about children who are used as tactics. When parents separate or get a divorce, the child becomes the "in-between" or the "go-between" person. When I go to visit with Daddy, I have to make sure I tell him something about Mommy or whatever is going on in that house, because I don't want Daddy to get angry with me. So I’ll tell him whatever is going on at home." then when the child returns home, the mother asks what the child did at the father's house. "Then I tell her whatever happened over at Daddy's house. Often this begins the process of me feeling threatened. I start to feel anxiety and I get upset when my mommy says that she's never going to let me go over to my father's house again." The mother might say, "The only reason he has you go over to his house is to find out What is going on with me." How does the child feel when the mother says this? The child starts to feel guilty. The child doesn't realize that she's a pawn between her mommy and her daddy. That's how children get caught in the power and control process. Minimizing, Denying and Blaming How many people reading these words can admit that they have been a bully? Do you minimize what you did? Do you deny that you were a bully toward someone? Do you blame on other students the bad things that were done to your classmate? It's important that we acknowledge our actions.

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Do we minimize? "I hit him only one time." "I hurt him just a little." “It was his fault. That's why I hit him.” “He got too close. if he hadn't come so close to me, I wouldn't have hit him." All three forms are a defense of my actions. To deny, minimize and blame are defenses so I don't have to take responsibility. If I don't accept what I said and what I did, then I can't grow from the experience. Denying, minimizing and blaming keeps me stuck. They keep me in power and in control. behind this mask is my fear. I need to feel in power and in control and when things don't go right, it's your fault. Using economic abuse Using privilege I noticed this power when I was part of the group in fifth grade. I was in the group, so I had the privilege of keeping someone out. I had the option of including Abby in the group. I chose not to use that power because I might risk being pushed out of the group. I would be part of the group that likes Abby, that plays with Abby. So instead of making the choice of not being a bully, I chose to use my privilege of being in the group to treat her like a lower person. I made the decision that Abby can't cut in the line -she's got to go to the end of the line. I can't do something nice to help her define her role in the class. I'm going to make sure that I define her as someone who is lower. This was a use of my privilege of position. This situation shows how weak a bully is. That's the surprise. There's a weakness in the bully . The bully maintains his position through a constant marketing campaign. Part of that campaign is to keep you, the victim, from getting or keeping a job, from getting a promotion, from getting attention from the teacher.

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"We’re not going to let Abby use the best book, she has to use the book with torn pages and the worst cover." You're really working to make Abby feeling "lesser than." You want to keep her from being included. This keeps her isolated and makes her the target. What is the pay off? Does it make the bully feel important? Does it make the bully feel included? Does the bully feel better? I need to put you down so I can feel better. That's how abuse tends to happen, when people don't see each other as equals. When we consciously choose to see you as "lesser than," that's when the judgments come out. "You shouldn't be part of this." I started to experience of not being a part of the group. I felt that someone else is in charge. He's better than I am. I started to have these feelings and thoughts, making me sad and isolated. All of this results when power and control is used….When powerful individuals come together. What happens when we remember that we have options and choices? We can continue to be a bully or continue to be victimized. It is more important that we have interventions. There are two enemies of the bully: strong self esteem in the victim and information. The more people who know about what the bully is saying, the more the bully loses control of the situation. if there is a small group that he controls, they can know about his threats and intimidation and how he's isolating the victim. however, if too many people hear about his tactics, eventually the group of others see themselves as potential victims and they speak up. "This is not right," and they do something to intervene. The enemy of the bully is information, whether it is video or a recording or reporting to a teacher that bullying is happening and the teacher gets involved. Perhaps the principal gets involved and the parents get involved and eventually the bully loses control. He has lost control over who knows the information that he has

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spread around. The intervention is non-violent. You have not reacted with violence to the bully's violence. You have responded by spreading the information. Bullies are weak and they aim to keep you down as a victim. If you suddenly believe that you have the right to be sitting in that classroom, if you decide that you have the right to be playing with others, you grab control. If Abby had come over to any one of us and said, "I would rally like to sit here because I'm part of this class." Some of us would have tried to push her away, but others might have said, Oh, I guess you are part of the class. Abby's statement would have weakened our participation as bullies in the group. It was imperative that we all remind her that she had cooties so that she would not develop a stronger selfesteem. Even in the workplace, we do not have to work in hostile environments. We can promote safe environments. We always have options. Many years ago, parents used to say, "Stand up for yourself. If he hits you, hit him back." I have not heard of violence solving problems. Let's continue to look for other options. "You can't show that you are weak. You have to defend yourself." Look where this attitude has taken our society. Eventually you have to bring a gun to school to stop the gang. is there any wonder in the wake of Columbine, schools need to reduce bullying at school. Yet, where does bullying come from? it's not learned somewhere else, in the street or at home. We've seen how to get things done -- we use power and control. "I'm not hitting anyone" -- no, but you are abusing them emotionally to control their behavior. You are isolating. We have to start with us. Let's start with respect and affirm the other person. Let's trust and support. When we come together as a

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team, there is a tremendous amount of support. We were not created to live alone and separate. When we accept responsibility for what we say and do, we can communicate openly and honestly. "When you do x, that hurts my feelings." This promotes understanding through communication. If we NO: acknowledge each of “You are an idiot!” our gifts, we can share these gifts and NO: strengths. Instead of “Get out of my way!” separating and dividing into groups, we can YES: "When you do x, that hurts work together. We can talk about equality, my feelings." fairness and resolutions to conflict. We accept YES: change and we are “I feel left out when you willing to compromise. do that.” It doesn't always have to be my way. We can be in the same room and we can compromise. Steve can get his needs met and I can get my needs met and we can accomplish something. We want parents to display what we expect from our children. In other words, we need to model what we expect. this means not saying, "Don't do what I do, do as I say." That statement goes back to power and control. We are looking at equality. Children need to be respected. Children may have solutions for solving problems. We can come together as a family to resolve problems. We're talking about change, moving forward and letting go of the old learned behavior. "This is the way my dad did it" is not working for the family. We're looking at the non-violent opportunities. Where does bullying come from? It comes from learned behavior. It starts at home. Let's think of an

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example: Road Rage. When we are frustrated drivers, stuck in traffic and we see someone cut in front of us, we honk at him. "That makes me so angry!" What message does this action and these words send to the people riding with us? We're saying that that bad driver is a bully and he's pushing himself in front and I'm not going to get away with that! We respond in a violent way by honking or chasing him down to write down his license tag number. We throw up the famous middle finger. What does this do in ourselves? We have to think that there is an option here. That's the central message of this chapter: taking charge of just you. Take charge of the only car that you can take charge of. That's the car you are driving. this means taking charge of you wherever you go. There are non-violent opportunities. If you see someone who is getting away with a smoking tailpipe, his exhaust is going everywhere, don't get mad. Just take down his tag number and call an office that monitors emissions. there's a non-violent way of responding. It's called building the case. Collect the information. in the same way, we can have a non-violent response to the bully around us. We don’t have to become better at judo or learn how to do martial arts or figure out how to get a knife into school so we can threaten back at the bully and push him away. We can expose the bully and show his weakness. There's showing respect. These are parts of the nonviolent domestic abuse project. Negotiation is a form of non-violent resolution. Imagine if Abby had said to me, "I know that you think that I have cooties. However, I have this snack that I know you like and you have apples that I like, so maybe we can share snacks."

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Being willing to compromise in some way, the victim can take charge of the situation. If you can't run away from the situation, think of some way that is nonthreatening to the bully. How about talking and acting in a way to capture what the bully feels and fears? This may be difficult to imagine, walking up to a bully and talking with the person who is threatening you. however, this is one of the non-violent options available to you. We have to think of people who tried to change a system. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., these people decided that there was a non-violent way of engaging with the bullies. Instead of feeling that we are isolated, we can start inside ourselves. It starts by remembering that the bully feels inadequate. That's why there is a negative marketing campaign to make the bully feel bigger. If the bully tries to exclude you, you can reverse the situation by including the bully in your world. You can respond to bullying by taking charge of just you.

Search these words on the Internet The Duluth Model The Non-Violent Options More information is available at ResolveToHeal.com. Please contact us with your suggestions at [email protected].

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6 After the Storm This section comes from Pat’s collection of audio letters on CD. We tend to move toward the things that we dwell upon, so let's think about good things.

Summary for Parents “The Storm” = any fight we survive The purpose of this letter is to embrace change.

The hurricane. It took us away from our main goals. We were stuck on a detour and now it's time get back on the highway. And not get back on the highway, doing things that we used to. No, we have an opportunity to start doing things with excellence. This is what I recall from my schooling. One of my teachers told me: Whatever is true honorable just

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pure lovely of good report think about these things In this time of difficulty, when it is so easy to think about the hurricane. The television is telling us, "We have to think about this hurricane," let's think about what is true honorable just pure lovely and things of good report You might want to think about these quotes. Out of all that we think is bad, there is always good, because God is in control. With all that has happened, there has been some good. Just look for the good. Mother nature does not discriminate. Ride up and down the streets in your community and see it. There is no discrimination. Embracing change during and after the hurricane. It's easier to embrace change than to fight and resist. because then you are only fighting against yourself. Life is about adapting and adjusting. Nothing stays the same. Some things work for a while and later on they don't work any more, so you try something new. We have other options. What works? What doesn't work? At some point in our lives we have all had the experience of what doesn't work. Sometimes we continue to do the same thing over and over.

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Ask yourself this question: What other options do I have? How can I do this differently? What do I want to accomplish? How do I speak to my child's heart? Not to their mind, but to their heart. From my heart to their heart. I can sure say what doesn't work. A lot of screaming and repeating the same thing over and over does not work. Losing self-control for me as a parent does not work. Often the child's goal is met because they've gotten away and they are not accountable for what they have done. Nor are you in a position to hold me responsible or accountable. When I'm out of control, there is a lot of drama that is taking place in my household. In order for me to stop this, I need to think before I speak. When I see children at the schools all the time and they are cracking, and sometimes we refer to our children using bad names, that doesn't work. The only thing that name calling does is to lower my self esteem and start me to believe. I believe you because it's coming from you mother, or it's coming from you, father, because you are a significant other in my life. Now, let's get to the big picture here. What really works is you must realize that your children desire to please you. I cannot do as a child everything that you want me to do based on how you want me to do it. Please look at my mistakes as opportunities to learn and to grow. Please. It is imperative that you begin to recognize the gifts in me early on. They are there. My gifts are staring at you, right in your face. Notice what I do and I do it very well. Sometimes I've heard parents say, "Oh, stop so much talking, boy!" But that same boy became a newscaster. Recognizing the strengths from within, focus on the gifts. Reframe the negatives. Who needs those types of words to remain in the environment? Ask yourself the big question: Do I want remember this as a

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parent? Is this what I want to give out? I don't. Even after I have had my temper tantrum, I don't feel good about this. I never felt good when my daughter and I were having our temper tantrums. Just think about it. It's like being in the sand and now I have to get up and brush off all of these little grains of sand off of my body. It doesn't feel good. when I have gone from the position of being the parent to being on the same level as my child and we're fighting with each other -- Forget it! I'm not going back there. It doesn't work. I've been there before and I know what's there. This is about learning. This is not about my child. This is about me. I'm the mentor, I'm the original teacher. This is what really works, when I recognize who I am. From a mother’s perspective, I carried my child in the incubator. I was the incubator, I am the original teacher. now as my child grows older, I am no longer the parent. I have become a parentconsultant. I no longer tell you what to do and how to do it because the answers are within you. And I no longer have the fear of you making mistakes. That's how we learn. Make a choice and be selective about the choices that you make. It's okay to experience consequences, positive or negative ones. I remember when I put my hand on the fire, on the stove, on that hot burner. I guarantee you, it worked. I never did it again. I'm not going back there. No more. That's it, I'm done with that. I am forever looking for new choices and options. By the way, don't leave your child outside of your decision making. "What do you

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think about this? Give me your opinion." There's one brain and then there's another brain, and another brain, and there's more options and choices. It's like when we multiply. Remember when we first learned to multiply? I was surprised when I go to my five times five table. Oh, wow, they're getting bigger! Then I moved to 10 times 10. Ten times one is ten, Ten times two is twenty, ten times three is thirty. You are your child's original teacher. The hurricane represents together and unity. It has been an eye opening experience to let us know what we have. The hurricane really lets us know that we can appreciate the small things. Tomorrow is not promised to you. Listen to this. I took no thoughts about my life, for my father knows what I need before I ask. All is well. Courage must come from the soul within, The man must furnish the will to win. So figure it out for yourself, my lad, You were born with all the great have had With your equipment they all began Get hold of yourself and say "I can." (a poem by Edgar Guest) Thank you for focusing on positive thoughts. We tend to move toward what we think about, so let's think about good things.

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----------------------------------------Sources The good, pure, lovely quote comes from the letter to Philippians The “I Can” Poem is by Edgar Guest The "think about good things" comes from a fragment often quoted by Jeraldine Saunders. We include an appendix with examples of recordings by mentors. We created a web site called MentorsonVideo.org where we post short videos and audio messages by mentors. We ask four questions:

Suggested QUESTIONS to answer 1. What did you learn in school that you still use today? (This answer shows relevance.) 2. What do you wish you had learned in school? Additional relevance plus a suggestion to a teacher to include something extra in a future lesson.) 3. Name one of your teachers. If you can name the teacher, then something was given by that teacher to you. What was it? Honor that teacher by telling us why you remember that teacher. (This shows an important relationship) 51

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4. Tell us about a book. What have you read in the past ten years that you use today? (This answer shows continued learning -- and we are asking you for a performance about what you took from the book, a performance of understanding.) These four elements convey qualities that we find attractive. If you would like to be a mentor, please contact us.

Here are some extracts from Mentors On Video By Clarence McKee Your life is this, a blank sheet of paper. You are going to determine what you write on that paper in your life. Nobody else will. You determine what you will be. It's very important. No one else will. Remember Jiminy the Cricket? When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are.... what? Dreams come true. If I can impress anything on you, other than "You are the most important person in the world," then it's "There's nothing more important than dreaming."

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I don't mean when you go to sleep dreaming. Do you have a dream about what you want to do? Where you want to go? Never stop being a dreamer. Anyone who got somewhere got there because of a dream. Thomas Edison, Tiger Woods. Everybody dreams. You know, you don't have to tell anyone about what your dreams are. There will always be people who sit around you and say, "Nah!" Those are the kind of people you want to stay away from. People who tell you what you can't do and why you can't do it. Go for your dreams. If you shoot for the moon, you might get halfway there, and that's a long way. Dreams ... anything you want to do, you can do it. You have time to prepare.

Thinking. Think, think, think. Don't be afraid to go off alone and think. read about famous people, read biographies, and think about what you read about. My hero is a guy named Bill Paley, he founded CBS. When you read about famous people not only to find out how they became successful. You want to read about famous people to find out all of the problems they went through and the disappointments and the tragedies that they had to overcome to keep going. My friends, you are going to have times in your life when

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you say to yourself, "To heck with this." You are going to want to give up and say forget it. You are going to have some rough times. That's part of life. There's a saying: it's always darkest before the dawn. The darkest time of the night comes just before sunrise. You will find in your life, you will look back and when you thought that things were bad and horrible, the next day, I cannot get through this day, the very next day something happens to change your situation for the better. So don't get depressed when you get depressed. It's natural. Things happen. A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Let's say a few words about teachers. There are three categories of people who you will never forget in your life. Parents, grandparents and teachers. These are people who really care about you. I can recite to you the names of five teachers that I know to this day and I thank them for the confidence they instilled in me. Miss Spence and Miss Mitchell, Coach Wallace. You might remember some teachers in college, but the teachers in middle school and high school really care about you and you will never forget their names, once you allow them to make an impression and once you really listen to what they are saying. Go for it. -- Clarence McKee Lawyer, entrepreneur

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A Mentor for Readers I guess the thing I remember most about school is that it gave me the discipline and I think it gave me structure. Although I didn't always follow all of the rules, I think the most valuable things I found in school was my love of reading. I still read a lot, about a book a week. School also taught me about how to get along with people. I served on a lot of committees, I was in a lot of clubs, I was on stage a lot, I played the piano for the chorus. School taught me a lot that was valuable in later years. I have not used algebra much in my life, despite being in business. The most important thing I can do is add, subtract, multiply and divide. I can do it faster than an adding machine, I can do it in my head. I can estimate how much money I'm going to make from a project or how much it will cost and I can tell whether or not the project is effective or whether I'm going to lost or make money. I can calculate how much time the project is going to take and conclude whether or not it is going to be practical. Those are the things that I do well. I have to say that I go full steam ahead because I am passionate about it. I don't do anything just for money. I do it because I enjoy it. I've always loved reading. I remember that our teacher asked our class who had gotten the farthest into the book and it was me. She asked me to run an errand for her.

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It was quite a privilege in those days to run an errand for a teacher, so I did and I came back and I finished before anyone else in the class. I was extremely fast as a reader. I really enjoy business books and Tom Clancy books. I'm a how-to book reader and I create how-to books. I like to put into action when I'm done with a book three or four things that I've gotten from the book. -- Gayle Carlson Entrepreneur, author

-----------------------------------Additional information about MentorsonVideo.org Mentors On Video is a program to allow "ordinary humans' (non teachers) to visit middle and high schools on video. You can go to a "real" school and get videotaped. Or you can ask for someone to video you. My production company, McCrea Educational Archives, sells video training for FCAT preparation, SAT preparation, training for teachers and "how to read better". All of this training is placed on DVDs and CDs and there is often an extra 100 or 150 Megabytes on the CD or DVD.

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What to do? Put some videos of Mentors on the CD. Free. Your donation of your time will be returned by having your voice and/or image shared with dozens of students. Students tend to watch a CD if they are told that it is not required. "Hey, maybe this is the new Pirates of the Caribbean DVD." Sometimes they are bored, sometimes they are hooked. The idea of the mentor isn't to appeal to EVERY students, but rather to hijack at least one student from the reverie induced by surfing on the Internet or playing with an Xbox game.

Why is it important for you to become a mentor? Let's start with a "mystery quotation." Who said this? “Successful schools are built on the new three Rs: Rigor – making sure all students are give a challenging curriculum that prepares them for college or work. Relevance – making sure kids have courses and projects that clearly relate to their lives and their goals. Relationships – making sure kids have a number of adults who know them, look out for them, and push them to achieve.” Small Schools “The three Rs are almost always easier to promote in smaller schools. The smaller size gives teachers and staff the chance to create an environment where students achieve at a higher level and rarely fall through the cracks. Students in smaller schools are

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more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feel safer, and graduate and attend college in higher numbers.” Who said mentioned these words in a speech to the nation's governors in February 2005?

Answer: Bill Gates ======================= Thomas Friedman points out in his book about "The World Is Flat" that it is difficult to put up walls to protect jobs. Instead, Friedman recommends a) INNOVATION, b) BETTER EDUCATION c) Freedom from dependence on oil by developing alternative fuels (the second moon shot) Sure, a moon shot, just like the 1960s. We paid the taxes and the scientists worked to put twelve people on the moon. But it's not just scientists during this new moon shot. Not this time. Innovation takes place throughout the economy and innovative smart business practices are needed to support the technical innovations.

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Instead of the rest of us just looking on and watching the Moon Shots, we non-scientists can: 1. Get involved as mentors in schools 2. Get energized by working as free agents 3. Develop our right brains and see the bigger picture 4. Work with Bill Gates to get smaller schools where Rigor, Relevance and Relationships are developed more thoroughly than in big schools. 5. Continuing education. As mentioned by Dan Pink in Free Agent Nation and A Whole New Mind, we will need to continue training to get up to speed about what is coming next.

If you wish to participate, please contact me. Make your own video using a digital camera or call me and I'll arrange for someone to video you. Steve McCrea 954 646 8246 954 OH MUCHO [email protected] MentorsOnVideo.org

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7 Ten Ways to Extend Your Child’s Education Hello, Reader, We have found that many parents take quite an interest in Pat Harris’ message about anger management. Obviously she’s hitting a chord, ringing a bell and hitting a note with people when she asks:

“Does anger manage your kids or do your kids manage their anger?” Part of her message is on a video that is available on a CD (you can view it on a computer). The questions are helpful for kids. The audio letters on her web sites (www.PatHarris.com), when listened to by parents and child together, help to gently raise issues that families often avoid. Pat Harris, a family thearpist, has a list of ten points to help extend education – and this booklet is your opportunity to “ask the right questions” (as Bill Mayer suggests on billmayer.com). Share this list with a child in your life.

Are you ready to share responsibility for your child’s education? We’re talking about more than just the academic schooling of this future adult who is under your care. Let’s take this journey step by step:

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1. What is your child's learning style? There are many ways of taking in information and many ways to express what we have learned. The Internet has several surveys to help you and your child find out the method(s) your child uses to learn. Audio: Does your child prefer to hear new information rather than read it? Can your child hear you once and “get it” (with your needing to repeat your request)? Musical: Does your child learn facts more quickly with rhythm? Most of us learned the alphabet with the alphabet song. Internal or Introspective: Does your child prefer to work alone? Does your child like to write? Interactive and Social: Does your child learn by talking a subject over with a classmate? Does your child enjoy working with a group? 3-D, Visual and Numerical: Are numbers easy for your child to remember? Does your child remember a phone number “because it’s easy to see the pattern”? Can your child draw a three-dimensional figure like a pyramid or box? Active: Does your child learn by doing? “Just let me figure it out myself” without reading the instructions?

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ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactive “disorder” is really a variable attention ability (VAA), since many students with ADD can stay focused on something that interests them. Does your child have variable attention? That’s a gift, too.

2. Does your child have a library card? Good -- use it. Introduce your child to the library. Know where to find the references and the sources of information. You need that library card number to use the Electronic Library at flelibrary.org. Do you set an example by visiting the library and using your library card? At the Broward Main Library

Many people haven’t been in a library since graduating from high school or college. Not having a college degree is not a reason to avoid a library. Peter Jennings, the news anchor for ABC news (who recently died from cancer), never completed college, yet he read voraciously throughout his life. Jennings showed all of us how to take information from a book and apply it to our daily lives. In addition to reading widely, he wrote books “with just a high school diploma.” Here’s how to demonstrate the power of a library to a child: Step 1: I went onto the Internet and looked up Peter Jennings to find an example of a book that he had written.

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3

Step 2: I searched for a review of his book and found the following comments in a web log: “My family is a great fan of his television program World News Tonight, and I was honored to receive his excellent History book (The Century for Young People), which I enjoyed reading greatly. It is filled with interesting facts and interviews with people who have experienced the actual events. It is the greatest book I have read, and if you know of any young people, you should make sure to get the book for them. “

Adora Svitak

Step 3: I went to the library and found the book. I didn’t check it out, but I looked at it for 30 minutes. Spending time with a book can be as important as actually reading it. Step 4: I have an “I want to remember this” notebook. I write important notes in my IWTRT notebook. You, too, can interact with a library. Adjust your visit to the learning style of the child. An active learner can be shown how to look up articles from 50 years ago. What did the newspaper print on December 7, 1941?

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A visual learner needs magazines and things that can be manipulated and moved. Some libraries have kits for math that students can use to demonstrate geometry to themselves.

If your child is a social learner, then visit the library during a book reading, where other kids are sitting in a circle listening to one of the many workshops given at the library (which is more than just a place to store books). If your child is a quiet or introverted learner, let your child select a quiet place to sit with books chosen for an undisturbed session of “just looking.” In short, just showing up at the library is just the first step. You act as a role model for your child in how to immerse yourself in the resources available at the library.

3. What example do you set for your child? Do you look at life as a series of problems or opportunities? Is the glass half-empty or half-full? Lemons or lemonade? Show your child how to react to a gray day. Do you have a Positive Mental Attitude? (This includes the example you set as an

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adult, as an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent or as a neighbor or a person in line at the post office.) 1. Do you ask out loud, “How can I learn from my situation?” Does the child hear you turn mountains into anthills? Here’s a suggested “reframing” or self-talk: Is it really a problem? Well, it’s just what it is. It’s a situation. It doesn’t have to consume me. 2. It happened yesterday. All I have is right now, not yesterday or tomorrow. 3. Could I do anything different today? I sure can. The choice is mine. To take charge of my thinking, my situation and my actions. 4. Life is a process. Self-talk: “I am still learning and growing. My children know that I make mistakes and I let them make mistakes.” I use words like “I’m sorry,” and “forgive me.” 5. Excuses are not helpful. Blaming someone else does not help me. Self-talk: “A mistake is an opportunity to learn.” When we blame someone else or give excuses, we miss an opportunity to learn. 6. Give examples of encouragement. When I “help” another person “because he doesn’t know how to get out of the hole he dug for himself,” I am enabling or DISabling the person. Don’t do anything for the children that the children can do for themselves. (Maria Montessori said that.) Dependency doesn’t promote good selfesteem.

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Here are some samples of “words of encouragement”: “Try it again.” “How can you do it differently?” “You’ve got the idea. Keep going.” “What does that word mean to you?” When a child is stuck and says “I don’t know how to explain it,” you can say, “Give me an example.” These words will encourage a child to “perform her understanding.”

4. Focus on your child's intentions. Instead of being critical, comment on the action. If your child surprises you with a toasted sandwich to welcome you home after work, don’t point out that the bread is burned. Say, “How thoughtful of you to prepare something for me. Can you show me how you did it?” (then you can see what your child did incorrectly). “The next time, check the setting of the toaster, but I’m so happy that you thought of me.”

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5. Accept the fact that we are all teachers. Don't blame the school for gasps that you see in the education of our youth. When was the last time you volunteered to speak to a class of middle school students? We are mentors. We can each participate – and your child will notice that you care about what happens in the school. Even a patient with a serious disease takes charge of her condition by asking questions and looking for the right treatment. If her relationship with her doctor is not positive, she works to fix it or she has the right terminate services and get another doctor. If your relationship with a school isn’t working, you can fix it or find a school that meets your child’s needs. For example, do you know what Bill Gates says about schools today? (It’s about the 3 Rs and you as a mentor to bring relevance and relationships into schools.) You can find out at

WhatShouldStudentsLearn.com.

6. Encourage your child to talk about his or her frustrations. Validate their feelings. Remember to use the “I” statement. When your child says that a “former” friend is a [negative label], ask the child to reframe and make it personal: “I feel [hurt, isolated, lonely, left out] when my friend [laughed at me, didn’t invite me to the party, etc.].”

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7. Keep the door open to communication. But don't force your kids to talk to you. If you make time to listen, someday your child will come with a problem. Instead of saying “Can’t this wait?” or “You waited until NOW to tell me this?” you can “reframe” or restate the situation: “Honey, I’m ready to give you my full attention. What’s on your mind?”

8. Take a time out before you have a temper tantrum. What’s your anger cue? What is your method for handling your fear (which is behind the anger)? Be a model to your child about how to handle disappointment.

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9. Expose your children to different cultures. Visit museums and street fairs in different neighborhoods. It helps your child to accept differences. We live in a salad bowl. Show your child that you are continuing to learn new things about other cultures and that your preconceptions are sometimes inaccurate or lacking information. Another culture is less threatening when we know the food and art of that culture.

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Are you depending on schools to do the work of introducing children to other cultures? Have you seen the pressures on teachers and principals to meet new academic standards? It’s pretty difficult, so the power is in your hands. You’re one of the adults in the child’s life. It’s okay to accept differences. We can learn. We can discover that red onions and bell peppers taste great in my salad, but reed onions alone are a bit strong. When I have them in my salad, they enhance the taste. Drive into different communities. Look for similarities and the big question: What do we have in common? Ask the right questions. There is power in asking the right questions. Why do I reject things? Why? Because I haven’t given myself permission to try something new or to accept the possibility that there are other ways to do what I do. There are several roads up to the mountain top, not just my path. But until I accept that, I don’t’ want to allow my family to go on any other path – it wouldn’t be safe! Let’s have a new experience at least once a week. If you feel scared, embrace the fear and honor the experience.

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10. Allow your children to make decisions. Anytime you do something for a child that they can do for themselves, you are disabling your child. This means “allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them.” It would be so much easier for you to do something for your child so your child doesn’t feel the embarrassment and pain of making a mistake. It is often more stressful for you to stand back and watch your child stumble, but your child will learn by doing. Go to MathForArtists.com for math help Overcome fear at ResolveToHeal.com Get a new look at history at WhatDoYaKnow.com Learn a new way of learning at LookForPatterns.com Visit Pat-Harris.com for free audio letters

Teach your child how to ask for help. Resources are available. This is how you get your needs met. If there’s a situation, there has to be a solution. (Isn’t that a nice “self talk”?). Teaching problem-solving skills to your child…and demonstrate how to approach a problem. Let your child see you confused, talk about your doubts and then how you “self-talk” yourself into a positive mental attitude. What is the problem? Whose problem is it? What options do I have? Allow the child to explore what works and find out what doesn’t work. Consequences can be positive or negative. Life is about choices and decisions (not just about avoiding risk or struggling to maintain everything “just the way it was”).

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I read, therefore I get more information, therefore I think and know that things change. Almost nothing remains the same.

It’s important as a parent that I focus on the Big Picture – yes, grades are important, school is important, but life skills are more important. I need to promote growth and development instead of reacting. I am responding to modeling. How can I regulate or take charge of JUST ME? “I am operating in love or fear – it’s a choice. I choose love.”

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Conclusion Eight of these actions are non-academic, but -- surprise! Your child's grades will improve. Following these guidelines will lead your child to develop a strong emotional foundation. Your child will feel good and will have positive self esteem (built over years of effort).

To find a survey of learning styles on the Internet, search “learning styles worksheet” or go to MathForArtists.com and scroll down to Learning Styles.

Therapists are often observed to be “giving advice.” A lot of therapy actually comes from asking questions like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do you want to change in your thinking?” and “How do you want to reframe that?” and “How could you do that differently?” This booklet is not new information to you. You know it. That’s why it looks like good advice.

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Anger Management: A set of questions for students and parents Use this list with the Anger Management 8-minute video What are your answers to the questions on the video? 1. Does anger manage you or do you manage anger? 2. What do we do with anger? 3. Do we displace anger? Do we get angry at home and then bring our anger to school? 4. What is your anger cue? What do you feel on your body when you get angry? 5. What is our “Self Talk”? What do we tell ourselves? What did you tell yourself the last time you got angry? 6. Give an example of a Positive Self Talk. 7. What’s behind the anger? ** 8. What is the source of the fear you are feeling? 9. What does Pat say in the fifth minute? It’s time for ______to t______ c________ of _____. 10. In minute 6: I b________ it ______ to ____ 11. What’s the next step? Minute 6:30, we f_____ on a s_____. 12. What happened when Pat “tried” to pick up the stapler? **Hint: (There’s fear and we try to hide that fear) In the “More Technology” section, what tips did you discover that are useful to you? Perform your understanding by calling 954 646 8246

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When your child says, “I don’t have any homework...” When your child says, “I finished my homework…” Visit these web sites: ResolveToHeal.com and click on “100 Museums” EXTRA ACTIVITIES www.LookForPatterns.com (when you are finished with homework – time for more!) www.infoplease.com/homework (lots of categories to explore) www.thebeehive.org click on “SCHOOL” in the left hand margin “Homework Help” school.discovery.com/students/ Lots of activities from the Discovery Channel http://www.factmonster.com/ Big green screen with many categories www.BuildingInternationalBridges.com (to learn about interesting cultures) Get an email account with a disposable service like yahoo or hotmail to participate OTHER LANGUAGES Spanish.about.com a general web site for learning Spanish Italian.about.com A general web site for learning Italian http://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/foreignlanguage/ links to other sites SCIENCES http://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/science/ help for Science homework http://quizhub.com/quiz/quizhub.cfm Quizhub.com lots of fun and education http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html a useful gateway to a variety of web sites SOCIAL STUDIES www.History.com (of course!) www.nationalgeographic.com (for social studies) www.WhatDoYaKnow.com A site created by a Social Studies teacher in Palm Beach County. http://www.bpl.org/kids/socialstudies.htm Boston Public Library’s page for Kids (fun) http://www.socialstudies.org/ National Council for Social Studies www.eduref.org/cgi-bin/res.cgi/Subjects/Social_Studies for teachers.

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Did you ever wonder where teachers learned so much? www.Geographyolympics.com They created a world puzzle. Lifetime Transitions and Anger Management www.Pat-Harris.com (audio letters are available for you to download and hear) READING Practice reading on these sites. http://www.ncte.org/middle/topics/content/117565.htm National Council for Teachers of English has a book list www.snopes.com Read about urban legends and find the truth. www.gutenberg.org Over 10,000 books online (FREE) http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html More Homework Help http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/1333/kids.htm For kids who love books http://nancykeane.com/rl/ Book lists to give you ideas about what to read next! SEARCH on “reading for middle school” Middleschoolhub.org a collection of interesting quizzes Quia.com more quizzes MATH www.algebra.com (for general help with math) www.mathForArtists.com (an artistic and visual way of learning about math) Click on “challenging problems” for interesting math exercises. math.com/ Good pages for review www.number2.com (for advanced math training) nctm.org (the National Council for Teachers of Math) www.RetireThePenny.org A math exercise Take the Middle School Math Challenge figurethis.org/index40.htm Test Your Math Skills (requires Shockwave plug-in) timssonline.cse.ucla.edu/index02.htm Internet Math Library http://mathforum.org/library/ Math Counts-Math for Middle School http://206.152.229.6/ Franklin Institute-Open Ended Math Problems for Middle School Students sln.fi.edu/school/math2/index.html Ask Dr. Math http://forum.swarthmore.edu/dr.math/ Do you have other web sites that you enjoy? Send your suggestions to [email protected]  All of these links are active on TeachersToTeachers.com.

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8 Five Things that might help a parent (Five Useful Things About How Your Child Learns – new information about the brain)

Five Useful Things about the Brain and How Your Child Learns This chapter will be divided into sections that will include some interesting materials. You are invited to read straight through or to visit pages that you find interesting. Go ahead, skip around the chapter and read what catches your eye.

Five Things 1. Right and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. The connection between the two sides makes a big difference: do you have a thick or thin connection? Girls and boys really do learn differently. Shouldn’t they be taught differently? Michael Guerlain and his institute for learning differences… The Brain Game by Dr. Nancy Snyderman Do you want to learn something fascinating? When Lori and Rich Boulware of Kendall Park, N.J., hit the road recently, their navigational radars were tuned into different frequencies. Rich used a mental map, while Lori used landmarks to get around. As the couple tried to get around a tricky area of town, Rich said, "Turn left on Webster," while Lori said, "You have to turn before the ice cream cone." Dr. Helen Fisher, an expert in gender differences, says the

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Boulwares are not unusual in their navigational skills. "Women go from one object to another. … A man will say, go two miles down the road and then head east. That's very different from saying go down to the shoe store and take a left at the high stone wall." --transcribed from the TV broadcast called “The Brain Game”

The program covered the following topics: a) Young girls talk about relationships at school. "I know who was whose best friend today and who fought with who and what boy likes who.” Boys don’t have much interest in that stuff. b) What is the reason for the differences in brain function? As the program asks, “Is it our biology or our culture?” Male brains have a structure that transfers information quickly within each side of the brain. Boys tend to be able to throw and catch objects and see objects flip in three dimensions. Female brains have more neurons than male brains in the areas connected to language, judgment and memory. No wonder female students generally handle information so effectively! c) There’s a connection between the two sides of the brain called the corpus callosum. It’s like a highway in the female brain and a dirt road in a male brain. This means that women can manage several kinds of input at the same time. Many women can speak, listen and write simultaneously. Men are less able to multitask and are uncomfortable writing and listening at the same time. Generally female students will be bored doing one thing at a time.

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d) What do these findings mean for teachers and students? In the classroom we can expect girls to often do better than the boys. In high school, however, boys get a second surge of testosterone and their math and spatial abilities improve. The Brain Game notes that “boys outscore girls in the math section of the SAT by 7 percent.”

2. EQ or IQ? Emotional Intelligence is more important than academic achievement. It is estimated that academics account for about 6 to 10 percent of our success. How well we do in life depends mostly on other factors, not on the results of a mid-term test. A large part of our success in life depends on social skills. (source: Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence) REMEDY… here’s how I build emotional intelligence in myself a) I listen to advice from people on tape. Somehow it’s easier to listen to a stranger tell us advice than our parents. To help you, I’ve created a series of audio letters for you to listen to in the car. b) I practice what I learn. I apply it. Yes, it’s annoying and boring sometimes, but I use it. Use it or lose it. c) I look for options. I know what I’m comfortable doing. I look around and I look for other ways of achieving what I usually want to get done. It’s surprising how many new people we meet when we stop doing the same thing the same way… d) I learn about the fifteen styles of distorted thinking (see the list in the Appendix). I love to discover a new way that I’m distorting my view of the world to suit my needs. It’s

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amazing how creative I can be! It’s great to be relieved of the job of trying to figure out everything for everyone else…. Now I just worry about me.

3. Mentors are needed in schools. The Pentagon requires parents to spend 8 hours a month in a classroom. (Source: 60 Minutes TV news program). Great idea, isn’t it? What would be the impact in your school if ten parents in each classroom visited the school once a month? When was the last time you volunteered in a classroom? 4. About FCAT: There are at least seven ways of learning and seven ways of teaching. Shouldn’t there be more than one way of assessing our children’s growth and understanding? Are there other ways to measure understanding? Listen to Dennis Littky, founder of the Met Center in Providence, R.I. The Met Center puts students in an “advisory” for four years.

“Advisory” for most schools might mean “we have a guidance department” and “we help students find possible careers.” In the Met, the advisory is the class and the classroom. The advisory appears to be the heart of the program. The advisory system links one adult to 15 students and that adult (the “advisor,” but most of us would call that adult the “teacher”) builds a three- or four-year relationship with the student. There are other teachers, but one advisor guides the student through a mix of subjects. The students look at issues in the advisory, focusing on

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quantitative reasoning (math), empirical evidence (the scientific process) and communication (language arts). Confused? I was when I first heard of this system. I

“How can one teacher teach all subjects?” That’s the wrong thought,

question. We should be asking, “In my school, how can a student get a sense of direction when he or she has to deal with at least 5 different teachers each year, 20 teachers through high school? Where is the common thread binding all of these subjects in the student?”

One adult cares about (focuses on) one student at a time. I know at least one That’s the secret behind the Met.

school district that claims to teach “one student at a time.” The Met Center actually practices this. I have identified five “pillars” of the Met Center:

Five pillars of Big Picture Schools (as interpreted by a math teacher who visited The Met in Providence, RI, part of the Big Picture schools association)

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Multi-year relationships -- The teacher stays with the same students for three or four years. The teacher teaches more than one subject. In the case of the Met, a high school in Providence, RI, the teacher stays with the students for all four years of high school. 2 The teacher is a facilitator. Teacher = Advisor = “how can I help you?” The teacher coaches the student to choose activities to cover skill areas (language skills, quantitative reasoning, etc.) rather than special subjects, like trigonometry, algebra or chemistry. One of the teacher’s prime activities is finding suitable mentors for the students. 3 Tests are by exhibition. A “stand up” demonstration of understanding is valued above a written test. The students

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take the state’s standardized tests and other written tests, but the school focuses on the exhibition, which is the product of at least nine weeks of work. 4 Learning through interests – the internships (set up with the teacher) are selected by the student. Academic learning is filtered through the student’s interests. 5 “I’m more than a letter in the alphabet.” Evaluations are made by narratives, not by a letter grade. The teacher can afford time to write two pages of narrative about each student during the grading period because the teacher has only 15 to 20 students to meet with over a nine-week period. I observed an advisor who met with students throughout the class day, asking for updates on on-going projects. This sort of focus can come from a narrow focus of one adult on a small group of students. Instead of tests, why not look at the “public school system” and come up with a systemic change? Most of us look at the child and say, “You need to fit in.” We should be saying, “Let’s measure you by asking you to perform your understanding” (a phrase coined by Howard Gardner, the guru of multiple learning styles). AGAIN, at the Met Center: Tests are by exhibition. A “stand up” demonstration of understanding is valued above a written test. The students take the state’s standardized tests and other written tests, but the school focuses on the exhibition, which is the product of at least nine weeks of work. Why can’t our schools change the focus from a standardized test to work that looks at each individual student’s progress?

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5. Video games: There really is something about what our mothers told us. “If you get too close to that TV, you’ll go blind.” Something inside the head of many 12 year olds shuts down because the three-dimensions of playing with objects has been replaced by virtual worlds with simulated 3D. We don’t really learn more when we have a video game. How can we use technology better? Instead of banning ipods, how can we train teachers to use ipods? Many students love to listen to music and short messages can be inserted between songs. Summary Here’s what we’ve learned together… Five Things Right and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. The connection between the two sides makes a big difference: do you have a thick or thin connection?

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REMEDY -- use different styles of communication when talking with men and women. There’s no simple difference, but it is often successful to get a man’s full attention before speaking because he often can focus on only one thing at a time (while a female brain can often do several things at once). PLUS Girls and boys really do learn differently. Shouldn’t they be taught differently? REMEDY If you can teach girls and boys separately, can that arrangement be explained or supported with evidence from the class? “I really do better when the boys aren’t around.” Many boys will disagree, but many girls participate more in a single gender classroom. EQ or IQ? Emotional Intelligence is more important than academic achievement. REMEDY Make time for social skills. (See the list of questions at the end of Appendix 4). Just having an A in school is not reason to say, “Oh, everything is fine.” Dig deeper. Set up “what ifs” -what if Oprah stepped on an elevator with you. What would you say? What charity would you promote? What

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would you give her? Mentors are needed in schools. The Pentagon requires parents to spend 8 hours a month in a classroom. When was the last time you volunteered in a classroom? REMEDY If you can’t visit a classroom, find a video camera and start talking. Go to www.MentorsOnVideo.com for guidelines. Or contact Steve and he’ll turn you into one of his Mentors On Video. About FCAT: There are at least seven ways of learning and seven ways of teaching. Shouldn’t there be more than one way of assessing our children’s growth and understanding? REMEDY Learn more about portfolios, work with your principal to set up a portfolio system and volunteer to get started and maintain it. Learn about “performances of understanding” and about Dennis Littky’s work. Get “the big picture.” www.bigpicture.org Video games: There really is something about what our mothers told us. “If you get too close to that TV, you’ll go blind.” Something inside the head of many 12 year olds shuts down because the three-dimensions of playing with objects has been replaced by virtual worlds with simulated 3D. We don’t really learn more when we have a video game. REMEDY Most TV is not educational. Most video games are not educational. There is no minimum daily requirement for training the “game” muscles and reaction time. Simulations can help some students prepare for flight school, bomb detonation and de-activation, and other potentially hostile situations. But there are other skills to build and video gaming takes away from time that could be spent learning a language. Why not visit a virtual world and learn about brot (German), pain (French), pan (Spanish) and pane (Italian)? There are more topics, more research, and more items

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ready for selecting and highlighting. Pat and Steve are already collecting more topics for you to hear about. What keeps us going? We are here to help each other and we want to share what we’ve learned. Yes, we appreciate new audiences, and it’s nice to be compensated for our time. Call 954 646 8246 to find out how you can bring our workshop to your school.

Have you sent an email message to Suzana the English teacher in Curitiba? [email protected]

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9 It’s the Size of the School (not the Classroom) An open letter to parents and other potential mentors

The New Three “R”s By Steve McCrea, Tutor and Mentor I’m a tutor for middle school students, so I often get asked: “What should my child be studying?” “Can you recommend a good web site to help him get ahead?” “My child has difficulty reading— can you tutor him?” Parents could present other questions to a teacher: “What should parents be learning?” I would answer, “Did you catch that important speech given by Bill Gates?”

In February 2005, Bill Gates gave a landmark speech at a conference of governors praising small schools. I missed it, and chances are that you did, too, because the speech was overwhelmed by the media’s focus on the Michael Jackson trial and Terri Schiavo. Here’s the essence of what Gates said:

“Successful schools are built on principles that can be applied anywhere. These are the new three Rs, the basic building blocks of better high schools: The first R is Rigor – making sure all students are given a challenging curriculum that prepares them for college or work. The second R is Relevance – making sure kids have courses and projects that clearly relate to their lives and their goals. The third

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R is Relationships – making sure kids have a number of adults who know them, look out for them, and push them to achieve.”

The three Rs are almost always easier to promote in smaller schools.

The smaller size gives teachers and staff the chance to create an environment where students achieve at a higher level and rarely fall through the cracks. Students in smaller schools are more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feel safer, and graduate and attend college in higher numbers.” Bill Gates February 26, 2005 National Education Summit on High Schools

The Size of the School Let’s think of an example of a small school that receives public money. The most visible schools in our neighborhoods are often large. That middle school down the street has 800 or 1,000 students. Most students in the US (over 60 percent) attend high schools that hold more than 1,000 students. The five largest high schools in my city each have over 1,400 students. What about charter schools? -- those hybrid entities that have an agreement with the state (a “charter”) to operate with fewer of the constraints of a typical public school 87

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(for example, it’s easier to hire and fire teachers and other staff). There are scores of complaints about charters: - "They don't have a football team" - "They don't have enough students" - "They have to eat lunch in the classroom." - "They don't have a media center." - "The principal of that charter school is from another country and he doesn't understand kids in the USA." - "They have to take a bus to get to a playground or recess area." - “They are underfunded because they don’t have enough students, so they don’t have enough money.” - “They don’t have enough students so my child doesn’t have enough friends.” - “They score lower than the public schools in the standardized tests. I want my kid to be in the big school where the test scores are higher.” - "They ..." (go ahead -- add to the list!) Parents, you can find many reasons to stick with the large school that your child currently attends. People will give you many reasons to avoid underfunded and mismanaged small schools. However, if you agree with Gates, then join the charter school movement and “vote” for a smaller school -- where everyone knows your child's name. I know of a charter school that needs 130 students to have enough funds to hire two extra assistants and afford buses for field trips. The school has just over 90 students. Each student is “worth” about $500 a month or $5,000 a year in public money (that would otherwise go to a large public school). With 30 more students, that's over $150,000 that the charter school could use for "additional resources."

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Would you like your child to attend a school that has expensive buildings and a cafeteria with four seatings (to feed 400 students at a time)? Or do you want your child in a school that has fewer than 400 students (and the principal knows every student)? Most parents with students in a large school didn't hear Mr. Gates and his speech. They currently send their kids to one of the large schools in the area with over 1000 students. I wonder if those parents would change their minds if they knew what Bill Gates said.... If you’re looking for a way to have an impact, there’s nothing more remarkable or effective than the choice of school. Voting has a chance for changing the outcome of an election (if you join with 10,000 or so other voters). Writing a letter to the mayor or attending a city commission meeting might make a difference, if you and another five hundred people show up. Volunteering for a beach clean up might make you feel good about doing something for your local environment. However, your child could be one percent of a school. Your child, your “vote,” could shift funding to a small school and send a message to the local school district: Gates is right. We need small schools. What should happen to larger schools? The Gates foundation has funded the division of large schools in New York, L.A. and Chicago into several smaller schools. Why not apply that same effort in large schools everywhere? For parents wanting to heed Mr. Gates’ advice, however, switching to a small school is immediate. While we petition our school boards to partition large schools, at least some students can be placed immediately in smaller learning environments. In short, a charter school is an affordable way for your 89

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child to get rigor, relevance and relationships in a small school. To find a charter school in your area, go to your school district’s web site and look for “Charter.” In Broward County: BrowardSchools.com and click on “School Info.” Then select Charters. In Dade County, dadeschools.net, click on “Schools,” then “School Information” and select Charters. In Palm Beach County, palmbeach.k12.fl.us, then click on the “School Info” button on the horizontal bar, then click on “Charter Schools.” Good searching.

Maybe there’s another way of organizing our schools: around individuals, not around the facilities. What tells us how big schools will be? What governs the size of a school? The size of the cafeteria? Or the number of names of parents that a typical principal can remember?

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10 ADD – Does It Have to be a Deficit? Let’s start with an overview. The Big Picture. I am a person WITH ADD. ADD is here with me. It is a type of wiring in my head, but it is not a disease or a negative condition. I don’t have ADD. It’s not like I can decide, OK, I’m just not going to have ADD any more. I have a car and if I try hard, I can lose the car. The car can be taken away, It’s not like that. I have choices about my attitude and I don’t have to lie back and say, “Please take this condition away from me.” I don’t have to be a victim of ADD. It’s like being 7 feet tall or 88 pounds. There are certain jobs in life that a really tall person doesn’t need to do. Crawling through pipes and working in cramped spaces under a roof or walking in a submarine – OUCH! Those doors are just too short for a 7-foot-tall person. And a person who is 4 feet tall shouldn’t have to work as a basketball player. It just doesn’t make sense. So when we think of ADD, we can think of being a person with a special ability to jump from topic to topic without feeling nervous. The ADD person can do a lot of different things in the space of five minutes. There are dozens of books about ADD and we’re going to look at two of them. They have terrific titles, these books have helped us tremendously and we know that you will enjoy hearing about something from them. The first book is called “You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?” and the second book is called “Answers to Distraction.”

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So, let’s go through these two books. Let’s take the first book: It’s a thick book, 450 pages!. Now, you don’t have to read the entire book to get something valuable and you can read a part of it deeply to get a lot of the purpose of the book. Just look at the title: You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?

I know that my mom called me lazy. She’s a teacher so she knows it’s not right to call someone stupid – so she never called me stupid. But sometimes I would overhear her say things like, “I’m worried about my boy…” Oh, no. Am I crazy? This is a terrific title. It tells us that we, the people with ADD, start with some worries. And this book helps us get into it… ADD is a brain style. It’s not a disorder, it’s an ADDED dimension. Isn’t that cute? ADDed dimension. We can build on this. Now most people say the ADD has three parts: Impulsive Lack of attention Hyperactive Why not approach each part with a new focus?

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a. If you are not paying attention, maybe you don’t have a passion for it? It’s not about “Steve is inadequate.” It’s about a poor fit between my strengths and the activity. b. If you are hyperactive, why not get more exercise?

c. Impulsive. Sometimes jumping to a new project can be your friend. It can help you make a leap that other people don’t make because they are more methodical. Look at these professions that need this ability: sales business man, entrepreneur comedy acting writing teaching parenting science and design. See pages 6-7 by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo Anything that we humans do can be improved by thinking outside the box. We just have to know when is a good time to do this.

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The authors put words together that are helpful. One title is

Toxic Mental Debris. The vicious cycle of shame, perfectionism and procrastination. Wow. That’s enough right there. We can see immediately the link between the three of them. Let’s talk about it. Shame I’m going to get it right… I’ll get it REALLY REALLY right. Later… I’ll get it done… Then back to shame… Here’s another tip. Build a foundation Eating Sleeping Focus the mind (some people call it sitting quietly or “Meditation”) Exercise and Play. If you can balance all of those 5 parts, then you can make a strong foundation. If something feels like a mountain, with a big obstacle, treat it like a mountain. You can’t run up the mountain in one hour. You need to pace yourself, walk a little bit of it each hour. So if your work feels like a mountain, attack it a little at a time the way you would try to get over a mountain.

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Your basic first aid plan for overwhelm Wow. Here we go. 1. Don’t push through it. Take a step back. Exercise, walk, breathe deeply. 2. Check with yourself. 3. Maybe doing something that is more fun or routine can help get you in the mood to do the difficult work. Do an easy job first. Clean the kitchen? 4. Check with yourself again… now are you ready? Do you feel less overwhelmed? ======================= The next book is called Answers to Distraction. There is an expression called “I was driven to distraction by his shouting.” The noise distracted me. There are Answers to distraction. Two key areas in this book jumped out to me. FIRST Chapter 13 talks about the genetic foundation of ADD. Hmm, why is it that there are so many people with ADD in the USA and so few in Europe and Asia? Here’s an interesting theory: Imagine our ancestors were living in France or Japan. Societies in Europe and Asia have long traditions and many rules to follow. Anyone who wanted to think outside the box was put in prison or sent to the colonies where there was more space and fewer restrictions. It makes sense that the colonies will have more people who are flexible and don’t’ like rules. The USA is a very mobile society and many people don’t thrive well in a society with many rules.

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Idaho leads the nation in diagnoses of ADD on a per-capita basis. “Don’t fence me in” is certainly a motto that many people live by in that area. SECOND What are some things to do to handle ADD? Exercise is a KEY way to balance the brain and help it focus. Do a little exercise and you will focus better. This book has a list of 25 tips for managing ADD in families (including Focus on the Positive, tip number 13 of page 304. Family therapists often say “Can we reframe that?” -can we put this negative situation in a positive way? There’s a list of 50 tips, and tip number 11 says, “Know yourself and allow yourself to find a career that suits you. Don’t settle for a conventional career.” Great idea. It turns out that I have three part time careers: DVD producer, SAT tutor and English teacher for adults. I work a little in each direction each week and I keep my focus in each area. ============== So what is the bottom line about ADD? It’s an added dimension and it can be a challenge. But the different way of “brain wiring” will help us with an interesting way of life. We’re not crazy, we’re not stupid, we’re not lazy. We are hard working, smart and bright eyed people. If you would like to discuss the positive aspects of this conversation, call us or send us email.

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Some More Tips About ADHD or Attention Deficit We need to talk with an experienced mentor and get some “Tips about Attention Deficit.” We need mentoring for Attention Deficit This is an ADD workshop with tips from a survivor. This is a discussion of ADD or ADHD for children and adults, no one is excluded. What is true for you? Here’s what’s true for me. I was 32 years old when someone labeled me ADD. I responded by reframing. I have a tremendous ability to focus when I like a subject, so I have a Variable Attention Ability, or VAA. The doctor offered me Ritalin and I took it for two months. Then I heard about the alternatives that you will hear about here.

This book opens me up to other possibilities. I wonder if calling a child “ADD” is actually a hate crime. What if we told a parent that her son is crippled and unable to compete with the rest of the class? Is it a hate crime for a teacher to tell another teacher that “John Doe has ADD”? Second teacher: “Oh, no!” First teacher: “You won’t be able to teach your class!” 97

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Second teacher: “His file is HUGE!” First teacher: “I’m glad he’s not in MY class!” REMEDY: Can we try some “reframing” here? How did you hear about ADD? When did you first hear the words Attention Deficit Disorder? What did you feel when you hear those words? It’s a label. Can we reframe this situation?

What is our attitude when we hear the words “Deficit Disorder”? Can we create hope? Can we find hope here? One of the books we looked at is called “ADD, Reality, Myth, Controversy and Treatment” Let’s put this in terms that parents can understand. Parents are overwhelmed. Let’s REFRAME: “I have a learning style” or “Your child has a learning difference.” Many people have ADD and they are embarrassed. They carry shame. They aren’t looking at the benefits of the different wiring of the mind. Let’s think of people who work in professions where it’s okay to make spelling errors.

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Car Sales – someone who generates work and accomplishes goals with his voice, not by writing. “The Broadcaster” is a confidant child in second grade who loves to pretend to be a nightly news reader. He’s a Risk Taker and he is on the bad side of several of his teachers. He says about one of his teachers: “She hurt me.” She singles me out . Even if it is not me, she doesn’t say she is sorry. She doesn’t model what is expected. Teachers have a golden opportunity to use a new label for ADD. When you have a student in your class who has ADD, you can change the environment by changing the words and by talking about the positive aspects of VAA. TO BEGINNING TEACHERS: Why not reframe every “deficit” that you find with a child? Long-Time Teacher: “I’ve been here too long. I only see the negatives.” Why not make space for a square peg? We need to integrate the student. There’s a dark side and a bright side to ADD LET’S INTERRUPT THE CRAZINESS. Pat: I remember that when I was a child. My class was preparing for a school play. I was worried. A teacher told me, “I know you can do it.” The ideal school play is a place where the room is accepting. The audience gives the feeling that you aren’t being judged, it’s okay to forget a line.

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This CD is about changing our frame of reference.

Here’s an example Happy Feet, the movie about penguins. In the story, each penguin has its own song. The young male sings and the young female is attracted to his song. Then she sings her song. When the baby penguin is born, then the baby learns the mom’s and dad’s songs so that the baby can find them (in case they are separated). The penguin with happy feet is ADD because he doesn’t fit in with what is “normal” and he gets a bit distracted. But he also turns out to be the force that saves the colony (because of his out-of-the-box behavior). Let’s ask: How can this potential be used in this situation to help the student? Steve: TIP FROM A SURVIVOR: I’m lucky because I’m a survivor. I’m married to someone who accepts the differences and nurtures me. My ADD is not a liability. ADD loves laughter, stimulation. The kids in the back of the room who are not paying attention and who are bored, they create jokes. They are practicing for their future employment as comedians and performance artists.

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ADD is not a disease – but some people might not feel “at ease.” ADD is an ability. Let’s deflate the SAT and deflate the FCAT tests. Remember that a lot of feelings are not real. Feelings have to deal with how we change our thoughts. What a man thinketh, so is he. What tools can we put in place? The ADD person needs a certain amount of order – but is often too lazy to create the place. Each item has a special place. It’s not “clean up your room.” It’s “we need a certain amount of order and stuff needs to be placed in their right place. Then we can find the things when we need them.” One of the delightful symptoms of ADD is the delight that the person finds in something new. The ADD person can begin the day with a blank sheet. Imagine sitting for six hours in a classroom. It’s tough. So why not rearrange the room, restructure, move the students to a new room? A teacher with ADD uses new teaching strategies. What can I add or change? What could I do, where can I take the kids? Run around A snack Go for a walk around the building Here’s another example Let’s look at the title of these books. Driven to Distraction. You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid, or crazy?” Let’s imagine for a moment what it was like to come up with a title like that. What experiences did the authors have before they were inspired to write under that title? That’s what makes this book so interesting. We can change the way we look at the situation, despite what people say about us. Boy, you are lazy!

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Are you stupid? Can’t you read? Is there something wrong with you? Why can’t you be like the other children in this room? Why are you running around, why is your mouth still moving? Why are you so distracted? That was the environment for those authors. Now they have REFRAMING. What can we do? What can we learn from this book? REMEDY: Let’s be patient. First, let’s wait before we give a name to something. Don’t label too quickly. Let’s get a correct diagnosis. Is there a learning disability? Is there a learning difference? Does the child need glasses? Keep in mind that this material is being presented as a workshop as well as in a book form. Some of these sentences read more easily if you imagine that you hear them in a workshop. We need to meet people and establish relationships. REMEDY: Let’s think of another Remedy: Build a support system. What can we do to support the child with ADD? If you are an adult with ADD, who can be part of your support system? Can we laugh about this situation? Can we use this to our advantage? If you have control over your time, can you arrange your work so you work when you are most focused? There are over 50 ways to improve your control over ADD, compiled by Dr. Hallowell, the author of Driven to Distraction. He recommends exercising to stimulate the mind and get the body in motion…to help the mind “on track.” The effect lasts for several hours for many people. Some teachers have a trick: send the ADD students on errands. The student needs a break from seated class work. It might take two or three minutes for a child to take a

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note to a nearby classroom and return with the reply – and that’s the mini-break that the student needs to get back on task. REMEDY: Create a way to remind yourself. Yes, you are different and let’s celebrate the differences. It also means that you have to wake up earlier or go to bed earlier or make time to organize, perhaps a schedule that’s different from the other people in your home. It’s okay.

REMEDY: Ask for help. When the help doesn’t come, find another source of assistance. Build a team. Books tell us that people with ADD tend to have addictions. We have addictive personalities and we obsess. Well, let’s obsess positively! I remember focusing on dinosaurs. I had to learn the name, the food that they preferred, the height and length of every dinosaur. What did their Greek names mean? If you obsess, that’s okay! It’s called getting serious about something, passionate about something. REMEDY: Look for stories. ADD people sometimes wander, but many of us love stories.

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Teachers and Parents are constantly worrying: “How will this boy survive in the real world? How will he remember to arrive on time with a pen and paper? How will he get through college?” “How will this child adapt to working 9 to 5? He can barely get to school on time!”

Well, we are preparing children for the real world and the real world, according to the Wall Street Journal, is a place of stunning variety. Yes, there are jobs that require 9 to 5 punctuality. But “only about 30% of American workers have a standard workday schedule, 40 hours per week, during the day, Monday to Friday.” (Wall Street Journal, November 2006). Let’s look at the big picture: School was organized 200 years ago to create a work force that could handle the needs of the industrial era. Conformity and punctuality, working within the corporation and participating in the top-down decision making, “follow instructions” and stay between the lines. Schools in the 1950s to 1970s performed this function well, as described by Dan Pink in his analysis of Left-Brained organizations (order and procedure are important for the left brain). In a right-brained society, the artist flourishes. There are deadlines, hierarchies and procedures, but the big picture is given more importance. A right-brained organization looks at the individual and sees if there is a position to fit the person, rather than expecting the person to conform to the job. Flexible scheduling, working from home, freelance consulting, and multiple bosses (matrix job assignments) are all part of the

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evolving work environment. Rather than a job, people are preparing for multiple and simultaneous careers. When there’s a movie project, freelancers come together for eight to twenty weeks, working on various stages of the production, and move on to other projects. This fluid or seasonal work turns people into from “components of a larger organization” into “free agents,” cooperating as needed and when possible. The ADD person will tend to function better in a right-brained organization or situation. Dan Pink’s clarion call is “the old-style corporation” or organization is giving way to more freelance work, creating more opportunities for flexible workers. The ADD person might fit better in the role of consultant than in the role of office worker. Seasonal work and short-term projects might be a better fit with the wiring of the brains of people with ADD. In other words, the world is shifting to appreciate the gifts of the person with ADD – so why not adjust our schools? REMEDY: For students who want and thrive in an ordered environment that has long lead times and a set structure, don’t change a thing. Those students are currently doing well in the defined structure of the typical school. The alternative that some students enjoy is flexibility. Some alternative high schools allow students to decide, day to day, what subjects they will work on. Look at the typical home schooling calendar. Parents who lead their children through coursework can often allow the child to follow an interest instead of marking sequentially through a curriculum. Schools operated by Dennis Littky, using the Big Picture small-school philosophy, focus on working with one student at a time. Students have individual learning plans that operate within the structure of a common lesson plan for the class. Adequate time for one-on-one time between teacher and student and long-term relationships make it possible for the teacher to know well the needs of students. The typical 9th grader at Littky’s Met Center school in Providence, Rhode Island, stays with the same teacher for four years and that teacher visits the student’s house at least once a year. Say that again: the teacher visits the student’s home. What kind of individual relationship and guidance can develop from such a situation? These procedures and remedies will not work for all students and certainly some students with ADD learn how to function within the typical big-box school. The person with ADD has choices. That

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big high school has a fine reputation, but a small school, perhaps a charter school or home schooling, might be worth investigating. The purpose of this chapter and presentation is to remind you that you have options. The special wiring of the ADD brain is in fact a gift. The person does not like long programs, the person likes to focus on subjects that are interesting and then move on to something else. The quick-minded agility of the ADD is well-suited to improvisation, not the maintenance and sustaining activities that many corporations require. The ADD mind is one of the “whole new minds” that Daniel Pink writes about. What can we do to prepare the ADD mind for “the real world”? What skills are needed to act as a free agent and what disciplines are not needed? Sitting still for 45 minutes might not be a job skill that Robin Williams or Chris Rock need. Writing about a subject that the teacher assigns might not be what Wanda Miles or other comedians needed. They wanted to write about something that means something to them. Luther Campbell, Ludacris, and other rap stars compose their own lyrics, with they own spelling systems, and they problaby scored poorly in school on spelling tests. Perhaps spelling is not a primary skill for the future where spellcheckers will be readily available in most situations. The only skill to be tested is “Did you take time to find a spell checker?” rather than “do you know how to spell this word?” We started this presentation with the intent of give some tips to people with ADD or for teahers and parents who live with young people who are struggling with this unusual (and valuable) wiring in the brain. The ADD brain can become despondent or it can break away from convention and find a refreshing way of looking at something that is ordinary or usual. Think of any industry that could benefit from a fresh approach (fashion, technology, food products, customer service) and we see potential for tapping the ADD brain. This presentation aimed ot give you some tips and now we want to add a clarion call for action: stand up to protect

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the originality of the ADD mind. At the same time, let’s build support teams and protections to help the ADD from becoming isolated, afraid and alone. The person with ADD is not a freak, but rather a new species to nurture. Let’s show them how to be less annoying and how to use their creativity to support all of us. What can teachers, parents and students do to enhance the lives of children with A D D? … include more flexibility in the schedule. Only about 30 percent of American workers have a “standard” workday schedule: 40 hours a week, during the day, Monday to Friday. …Evenings and some weekends are a growing part of workers’ schedules. Source: Teresa Rivas, “Atypical Workdays Becoming Routine,” Wall Street Journal.

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11 A Letter From the Heart From the heart of a teenager A letter to parents teachers friends and significant others in the life of a teenager …From the heart of an adolescent First of all, you can’t change me. I am who I am. Just me. No carbon copies. Treat me with respect -- in other words, treat me the way you want to be treated. There’s an old saying that I find not to be true: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but talk doesn’t bother me.” This is not my truth – negative talk does bother me. That’s my reality. Words hurt more than sticks and stones because the words keep running inside my head. Mom, dad, teacher, friends of the family -- negative talk, teasing, cracking, they all create hurt and anger. I put up my walls, shut down and you wonder why we can’t communicate. I learned early on how to protect myself from undue pain. The walls that I refer to are the walls around my heart. I’ve made an inner vow. I will never, ever let you get close to me. Why? Because I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’ve seen what you do to other people, I remember what you did to me or what other adults did to me. The walls that I refer are my walls of emotional protection, which have become my jail. I feel isolated and ashamed. I’m lonely.

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Negative Self Talk I’ve learned to criticize myself. I am starting to do to myself what others have done to me. Inside me is this tape recorder in my head. It keeps going on and on. I want to learn how to interrupt this process…. I am learning how to press the pause button or finally the stop button. When using the computer I hit the delete button. I can learn to do the same thing with those negative self-talk tapes. When I learn to release myself, I can release others. I am free. I don’t have the fear of being hurt. I don’t need to criticize or talk down to others. I tend to hurt others, because I treat others the way I was treated. But I can change that. Forgiveness starts with me. I need to forgive myself and others that hurt me or caused me pain. I am free.

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Reply from the Heart of a Parent My child, I refuse to do to you what was done to me. It is time for this family to heal. Enough is enough Break the chain. I recognize the good in you. Your kindness, your concern for others. I use words that can be helpful. I tell you, “Try it again, Take your time. You will get it.” I encourage you by asking, “Hey, child, did you think about another way to do this? Or maybe we can get some help with this.” The mind is a computer and I know that you can re-experience things. You will re-experience like it happened to you yesterday, and it can be one of your pet peeves. I hear you saying, “Just let me talk, listen to me. Just listen.” So, I will listen.

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Some Notes From a Family Therapist Don’t try to fix the teen’s problem. That affects her integrity. I don’t give clients answers I don’t give clients the solutions, I let them talk. Here’s what your teen is saying How can you help me to learn problem solving skills. Let me come up with some resolutions. Don’t give me solutions. Just listen. 1. What is the problem? 2. Whose problem is it? 3. What are the options?

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Appendix 1 A Check List for Writing Dear Parents, Have you been looking for a way to judge your child’s writing? Here’s a checklist (called a “rubric”) and we’ll see what happens…. Go ahead, try it … read one of your child’s essays and apply the checklist. Ask your child to use the checklist and ask if it helps. ===================== Rubric Checklist for Essays A rubric is a set of criteria used by a teacher to evaluate a paper. What makes a good paper, what makes a paper that needs more work? What can the student do to improve the essay? 1. Do pronouns (it, they, he) point to a specific person or thing? Is it clear? The dog went to into the cat’s house and ate its food. My dog saw the dead mouse, sat next to the paper plate and ate it. Strunk and White. The little book http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk.html 2. Use appropriate examples to develop the point of view. 3. Is there a progression of ideas? Is there enough support for these ideas? 4. Show critical thinking. Do you show a complex argument that looks at the issue from more than one viewpoint?

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5. Skillful use of language (it’s important to have the vision thing.) Is the vocabulary appropriate? (When raising the internal core temperature of the soft water-flour amalgamation, it is important to engage adequate insulation by using a ceramic device.) 6. Is the essay coherent? Is the essay consistent? Is it organized and focused? Or is it disjointed and incoherent? 7. Is there variety in the sentence structure? Is the sentence structure correct? This situation is something up with which I will not put. 8. Conclusion covers the entire essay Teachers can point out important words to study We can’t always teach you a trick to remember those words ASK YOUR CHILD: I invite you to perform your understanding of at least one word. Vicarious = a vicar or a bishop who can’t enjoy a trip to Tahiti (no money) has a vicarious experience by looking at videos and by talking with someone who went there. You can use this “rubric” to check your child’s everimproving skills as a writer. If you wish more input, write to [email protected]

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Appendix 2 Distorted Thinking The Fifteen Ways that we sometimes use to distort our thinking… Fifteen Styles of Distorted Thinking 1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. 2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you're a failure. There is no middle ground. 3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once you expect it to happen over and over again. 4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. 5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what ifs": What if tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you? 6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. 7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy or internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. 8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but other people won't agree with you. 9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem or reversal. 10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how

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you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. 11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true - automatically. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid and boring. 12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. 13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative globa1 judgment. 14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. 15. Heavens Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to payoff, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn't come. Resource: Morgan Edwinson, MS ________________________________________ From Fifty Plus Fitness Association Box 20230 Stanford, CA 94309 A Non profit 501 (c)(3) Corporation 50plus.org/libraryitems/1_11Fifteen_Styles.htm

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Appendix 3 The Audio Letters Each of these audio letters is three or four minutes long. After listening to some of the “letters from the heart,” you can start to imagine what life looks like from another person’s point of view. I am updating these “letters from the heart” and some of them are posted on my web site at PatHarris.com. You are invited to contact me to obtain the letters that I’ve recorded on CD. Why not listen to them and hear the voices of each heart? Widen your perspective. A letter from the heart of a teenager A letter from the heart of … A teacher A principal A bully A victim of a bully A lonely student A popular student The leader of the pack The nerd The class clown The school receptionist The school experts The family therapist A tutor A mentor

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FAMILY An aunt An uncle A grandmother A grandfather A single mother A single father An unwed mother A divorced mother A divorced father An older sister An older brother A younger sister A younger brother An adult without children An adult with ADD A child with ADD A child who is bipolar An adult who is bipolar A child with a sibling who is disabled An adult with a child who is disabled A disabled child A disabled adult As you can see, there are hundreds of topics for an audio letter. There are hundreds of stories from the heart. I have recorded some of these audio letters for audio CD.

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LASSIE There are five ways to open a door and find success: LA S S I E LAnguage +++ School work Social Skills +++ Inherited abilities, resources and materials Experience +++ Or you can write Language, Academics, Social Skills, Inheritance and Experience. If your parents don’t own a company and if you didn’t do well in school, you still have three ways to open doors. The categories marked with “+++” turn out to be more important than the other two for many people. Money can be lost and how well you did on the SAT doesn’t matter much a year after you left high school. Let’s re-read the “Courage” poem:

Courage comes from the soul within, The man must furnish the will to win (social skill). So figure it out for yourself, my lad, You were born with all the great have had With your equipment they all began

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Get hold of yourself and say, “I can!”

(learn another language and obtain the needed experience to succeed). (Author: Edgar Guest)

I face this problem each week. I get calls from distraught parents who want me to quickly tutor the child (“help my child with his homework”) and prepare the child for a test. I prefer to deal with the cause ("there's one way to learn and it's my way"), not the symptom (F in the mid-term exam).

How important are each of these components? Language +++ 15% (get a second language) Academics 6% (according to Dan Pink) Social Skills +++ 60% Inherited abilities, resources and materials 7% Experience +++ 12% (Success comes from just showing up!) Instead of focusing on the 6% of academics, why not focus on the missing 60% (social skills). If you can’t find a school where you can apply the ideas in this book, keep looking… and until you find a small school, continue to think positively.

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A short course in “How to Prepare for a Fabulous School Year” What are some questions that a parent or a student or a teacher can ask? How can we improve our schools by asking questions? 1. Video players and cameras in the classroom Videos in the classroom can be used to teach and explain and extend lessons. Video cameras in the classroom allow students to perform their understanding, to make a record of their grasp of an issue. Cameras are essential for speedy language learning. Cameras bring passion into a class for students who “just aren’t interested” in a subject. “Oh, can I hold the camera?” Is there a camera ready to catch a teacher when a student wants a clarification? “Wait, I want to get your answer on a CD.”

2. Magazines and Newspapers Is there a newspaper in the classroom every day? Do students cut up and save articles? Do teachers use newspapers that are one month or two months old? Do students assemble bulletin boards with newspaper articles? Do students take time each week to look at the week’s bulletin board? Are the bulletin boards photographed so you can look back at 36 weeks of news stories for your year book?

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What was happening outside the school during the year? 3. Extra Languages Are there language signs on every door? Are other languages celebrated? Is every teacher learning another language – currently? Are we all setting an example? Do we know how to give directions in at least one other language? Go straight, todo derecho, turn right, doble a la derecha, left, izquierda, para, stop, seis miles, diez kiLOmetros. Can we convert to other measurements, are we in the head of other cultures and nationalities? Push, pull, empujer, Jale, pousser, puxe, ziehen, what is PULL in Arabic? Are videos available to take home to practice that month’s passionate language? Does the principal and do the teachers sometimes say words or phrases in other languages? Is the news available in other languages for students to study on video or DVD? 4. Maps and Posters Does anyone know where Bangalore is? Are posters from other countries changed at least once a week? Do students bring in posters that they’ve requested from embassies? Do students quiz each other about the main cities of other countries? “Almost everyone know that New Delhi is the capital of India, but name five other important cities, where they are located and what they are famous for.” Bangalore, Mumbai, Kalkuta, Pondicherry, Ajar. (there are errors there… can you find the errors?) 5. Discovery Zone Is there a room where it’s safe to open, unlock, take apart and put back together stuff and broken objects? Is there a video camera and video tape or CDs available to record the discoveries? Is there a library where we can review past discoveries? What happens when an egg rots? Where do the flies come from? Where does the mold come from?

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6. A different way home Are students encouraged to use their other hand when opening doors? Pretend to have a broken hand and write with the other hand. Can you write upside down? Can we write notes to each other that are artistic or nice to look at? For people who don’t like their handwriting, are their typewriters spaced in every classroom or in hallways so that notes can be typed? So what if they are manual typewriters. Are there colored pens in every corner so everyone can make a nice looking note if they want to?

7. Anger Management Does your school have an anger management plan? Does your home have a plan for managing anger? Or does anger manage you? Do you have Pat Harris’ CD about anger management? What is Pat’s web site? Remember the hyphen -- the little dash! pat-harris.com 8. Hallways and doors Do the hallways teach? Do students help create the hallways? What lesson or quotation is on the door? Is it replaced? Does every door have PUSH and PULL in 8 languages? 9. Media in each classroom. Computers in each classroom Are there web sites on CD available whenever the Internet is not available?

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10. Emotional Intelligence Is Emotional IQ valued more than academic IQ? 11. Multiple Intelligences Ask a teacher, “what is a performance of understanding? I hear that it’s something that Howard Gardner talks about. Please send me a note home, maybe to every parent, to describe how you integrate performances of understanding in your classroom assessment.” If the teacher stares at you blankly, say, “a comedian like Robin Williams was bored in class, he sat in the back and did not do well on low. Yet he has one of the largest vocabularies of any person on the planet. How does your grading system rate a young Robin Williams? If it rewards him for his gifts, then it’s a good grading system.” 12. Supplies Are there plenty of paper supplies and pens? Is it okay to sometimes draw your answer instead of writing sentences, maybe making a rebus in an artistic way? If there are multiple ways of learning, are there multiple ways of teaching? And multiple ways of assessing or testing the students’ understanding? Since job interviews are not identical, are your classroom tests adapted to the student? 13. Technology out of the classroom Do teachers send home video letters at least once ever six weeks? To show the parents what the children are learning so the parents can participate in class, too? Are parents encouraged to continue to learn, setting an example to the students? 14. Passion and interest Is the curriculum flexible enough to include a student’s interests and passions? What is your method of detecting passion and then integrating those passions in the lesson plan? 15. Excitement Do students enjoy coming to school? Do they look forward to the next week?

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16. Stay in contact with former students Is there an alumni office? Can your child find a friend from three years ago? Can your child register an email address and invite friends to contact him or her? Can your child know that 15 years from now that the school will still be there, will still be keeping records of other students and teachers? Is there a commitment through time? Is the alumni office posted and is there an inviting message on the web site or poster of the office? Does the school stay in contact with a student who leaves the school early or doesn’t finish a grade?

17. Summer camp or a cruise ship Does the school remind you of summer camp? In a positive way? Are there adventures each week? 18. Fear of Technology Do most teachers fear technology. (What do you think?) Most of us have fear of change. How do we use our fear to find our “inner expert”? How can we manage our fear of technology? Can you think of five excuses for avoiding technology? How will your classroom change to make technology a center of your teaching? This seminar comes with the guarantee of Three follow-up visits One week, one month and 90 days later. What are your teachers’ excuses for not sending home a video or not testing some kids with a video camera and a performance of understanding?

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Mr. Mac, you are dreaming. Mr. Mac, you need to take your medicine. Mr. Mac, you are unrealistic. I look forward to expanding this list and I invite your suggestions. Mr. Mac [email protected] 954 646 8246 Please visit DemocracyBonds.com and write a letter to a politician about a subject that really makes you glad to be alive, since you are here to say something about it to someone. If you are looking for a math mentor, wy not start by hosting a Math Party? Here are some web pages for math fun: math.la.asu.edu/~kuang/AppliedMathParty.html

Bryn Mawr College Mathematics Department www.brynmawr.edu/math/activities/MathParty02.html

Math Party at ScriptSearch.com [ID# 6991] www.scriptsearch.com/details/6991.html

math party picture - Webshots community.webshots.com/photo/369506627/369514418cITcMK

Let's Have a Math Party! glc.k12.ga.us/BuilderV03/LPTools/LPShared/lpdisplay.asp?LPID=11105

G4 - X-Play - Math Party www.g4tv.com/xplay/episodes/3343/Math_Party.html - Similar pages

Gamingforce Interactive Forums - Math Party! www.gamingforce.com/forums/ archive/index.php/t-47470.html - 25k –

Math Party Science Party Life in the Oceans... www.wonderama.org/scienceparty2.htm

www.mathcats.com/grownupcats/ideabankactivities.html

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Some links for you to use with your teen. You can reach all of these links at www.ResolveToHeal.com (that’s right: just go to my web site and you just have to click to reach these links). Academic support Free FCAT tips and practice: www.newFCAT.com Visual Learning Methods: www.visualandactive.com Do you need a challenge?: www.LookForPatterns.com Gifted Children: www.gifteddevelopment.com Vocabulary support: www.FreeVocabulary.com More Advice Information about the Multiple Ways of Learning (show this information to the teachers who claim “I taught the lesson and your child didn’t get it.”) www.ldpride.net/learningstyles.MI.htm Emotional Intelligence (65 percent of success in life): www.6seconds.org Information about Visual-3-D Learning Style www.visualspatial.org Gifted Children: www.giftedDevelopment.com Information about Dyslexia (and other Learning Differences LD) LDpride.net

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Invite me to a future PTA meeting. Let me engage your members in a free mini-workshop tailored to meet your goals. What “group-building” exercise do you need? Sample topics: • How to help your child find her passion • Five strategies to help you help your student with FCAT and SAT. • How to become a mentor in class (even if you can’t go to the school) (“Mentors on Video” program) • How to safely use the Internet to find useful educational sites (including free audio letters from a family therapist) Or your special topic (call me to develop a special program for your group) Pat Harris, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Free Audio Letters on the Internet: Pat-Harris.com

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News item:

Student, 9, phones in false gun report to 911

Anger Fear Shock “My child would never do that!” Oh? Have you ever told a lie? What circumstances “caused you” to make the lie? What distorted thinking in your mind allowed you to be false? If it happened to you, could it happen to your child?

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1.

The brain’s area of judgment is not fully formed until after age 17. 2. Even then, people say, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” 3. Some force in this child moved him to creatively come up with this method of “making things happen.” 4. What can we do to teacher kids to listen to the “editor” and the “controller” inside us? 5. What can we do to engage the passion of children so that they use their energy for “the good”? In this case, is the boy bored? Did he want a distraction because he hadn’t studied for a test? 6. Beyond consequences: Can we all learn from yes, the boy needs a this episode? punishment to remind him of this moment. What is in How can we grow his future? Can the boy beyond consequences? who cried “wolf” have a new challenge? Use the What is the next telephone to create school lesson? How can we spirit? Double turn-out at train our children to the next PTA meeting? He listen to their wants to learn how to make consciences? things happen. What challenges can his teachers Can we teach through give him so that he directs our own mistakes? his imagination to Can we teach through something positive for him love, not fear? and his community?

Workshops by Resolve To Heal The “Five Pack” about Anger Management 1. Anger Management for Teens 25 minutes 2. A Talk with Parents about Anger Management 25 minutes 3. Follow-up with Teens 25 minutes 4. Follow-up with Parents 25 minutes 5. For Teachers: Suggestions on how to use the “Pat Harris” CD and web site 20 minutes

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This package of five seminars is supported by videotapes for review and for people who couldn’t participate in the workshops.

The program supports a school’s efforts to accomplish the goals of the School Improvement Plan. Schools under pressure to perform often need a therapeutic “consensus-building” exercise – and this workshop series offers your organization a threesided approach: students, parents and teachers each receive the central message: Does Anger Manage You or Do You Manage Your Anger? The “Five Pack” Includes: The Pat Harris CD (20 copies, with a license to allow the school to make a copy for each student and teacher) One Videotape copy of the workshops (DVD $10 extra) 10 copies of “7 Tips for Parents and Students” Bonus: The “More Technology” CD series of 4 CDs is included, with Mr. Mac’s “Visual and Active Test Preparation” videos on CD and “Words for MP3” (digital vocabulary building for your students who listen to mp3 players like the iPod).

Other topics Trauma Talk to the Single Parent Positive Self-Talks Anti-Bullying “Stuck in the Middle” – a guide for parents of adolescents A Letter From the Heart of a Teenager (to Parents, Guardians, Teachers and other Significant Adults in the life of an adolescent) A Letter to Adolescents

Grades or Gratitude? What are the doors that lead to success? What skills do we learn that open those doors? Most teachers and many parents point to “staying in school.” But just completing a school curriculum doesn’t guarantee success. How many graduates say, “I’m still looking for my purpose in life”? According to Daniel Goleman, author of “Emotional Intelligence,” academics play a smaller role than most people claim. His book documents the importance of social skills (EQ) over the influence of IQ. It’s not what you know or your capacity to learn, but rather how you motivate others and your attitude toward the challenges that present themselves. Having great test scores means little if you can’t live the aphorism, “Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff.” When asked what they look for in an employee, employers often mention competence, training and technical skills (often not “ability to work with others”), yet employees get promoted based on their ability to work on a team. Many parents believe that “doing well in school” is the single most important factor to a child’s success. But what does it mean to do well? Students who score well on tests don’t always have the social skills that employers are looking for. Standardized tests might open doors, but social skills like answering telephones with a clear voice and looking people in the eye are necessary for keeping a job. Dan Pink in A Whole New Mind asks “how much influence do test scores have on a person’s achievements in life?” His argument is that there are other skills in a global economy that are far more important than how well you do in a class ranking. Few employers will ask for your grade point average or SAT score, but most will be interested in seeing how you handle yourself in an interview.

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What are the doors to success?

L

anguage: Knowing a second of third language opens doors in the global market, let’s say 10 to 15%.

Academics: 6% Social Skills 65% Inherited contacts or money can open doors, too, perhaps as much as 10%. Experience gained from volunteering or through intern positions can be more important than any skill learned in school, perhaps as much as 20% (Woody Allen claimed that 80% of success is just showing up, indicating a mixture of social skills and just plain work experience)

The acronym LASSIE is helpful in this discussion. We can argue about the percentages. In some societies, inherited opportunities and connections open access to some jobs. But the argument here is to look at the long term: What skills are needed to thrive in a career? Daniel Goleman points to social skills – your academics and your uncle’s influence might have won you the appointment, but how did you perform as a member of the team? Having a second language and whatever experience you brought to the job also helped – but the most critical skill involves your Emotional Intelligence. Using LASSIE as a framework for discussion, we can spread the responsibility for failure over other possible causes, not just “I’m dumb” or “I don’t take tests very well” or “I’m just not talented.” We can’t do much about what we inherit (about 4% of the total) and how we did in school last year (the past can’t be changed), but 84 to 90% of the doors of opportunity can stand open to us. With a bit of effort, we can learn another language, improve social skills, and gain experience just by exerting enthusiasm and curiosity. Perhaps the future is not etched in stone, perhaps we can see another path to achieve a goal and pursue a passion besides through schooling.

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Let’s begin with three questions a) What is your purpose for being at your school? Why are you here? b) How can you help the school this year? How can you be an asset to the school? c) What can you do to have a successful school year? What is your action plan? Notice the content of these questions. The first asks for the passion. What can the school do for you? The second question looks to social skills and asks the student to think about being part of a team. The third question combines the two previous questions in a plan of action. Goethe is said to have written, “Do it now. There is boldness and magic in action.” By asking our students to participate actively in their education, instead of just showing up, we ask them to turn school time into a zone of growth and exploration. How can we care more for another person? How can we improve our social skills? What’s more important: Getting good grades or knowing when and how to show gratitude?

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Appendix 4 A Note to Principals about Family Therapists I wrote this piece in September 2005 to encourage my principal to engage the services of Pat Harris, family therapists have a place in the classroom and near the school. When kids are angry or afraid, they aren’t ready to learn. I’m not a social worker, I’m a teacher, a presenter and a facilitator. It makes sense to say, “Please give these children what they need so I can get to work making the learning easy for them.” Here is my pitch to principals everywhere: Engage the services of a family therapist!

What can Parents and Teachers to do help kids manage anger? By Steve McCrea Middle school teacher

Anger is on the rise. Road rage, violence in schools and “going postal” have become part of everyday life in the USA. Anger management classes are popping up in offices and other workplaces. Now, anger management in the classroom. I’ve worked as a tutor for ten years, working one-onone with students outside schools. Last year I decided to move into the classroom and that a shock!

I was spending a lot of time developing fabulous lesson plans, but the teaching wasn’t getting through. Why? The big block I found when I began teaching seventh grade was anger, resentment, and negative attitudes. I was nonplussed. Other teachers told me, “Hey, if they’re angry at home, they’ll be angry in class. Just live with it. Put the whole class on Saturday Detention if you have to.” Rising tensions The level of tension in the school rose to such a height that my principal was grateful when a family therapist, Pat Harris, volunteered to come to our school to give a free twenty-minute workshop about anger management. I’m sure that when she walked in that classroom, she could feel the tension. The principal was even in there, waiting to hear what Pat was going to say. The result was terrific. For the next two weeks, kids weren’t so angry. They heard Pat’s message: behind anger is fear. This message helped for about two weeks and then kids started expressing their anger started again, more openly. That’s when I realized I needed Pat again. We all know that change takes time and that’s why patients set up weekly meetings with therapists. It takes time to make changes. So I wondered, “How can I have instant access to a family therapist’s advice?” When I saw Pat Harris in action, when I heard her voice, I put myself in the place of my students and I

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wanted to know, “How can I get Pat whenever I need her calming voice?” We’re in this age of technology, so why not put a family therapist on the Internet? If Pat is willing, I told myself, let’s put Pat’s voice on the web. Free advice online She had to agree to give away her advice on the Internet. As a teacher, I had to agree that having great lessons and a stimulating classroom aren’t enough for students to move ahead. We each had to admit that we needed each other. Lawyers do pro bono work, so why shouldn’t family therapists? We all know that teachers go beyond the call of duty, so these audio letters on the Internet are part of Pat’s way of helping out. As a teacher, I’m lucky to have Pat’s words on demand. I can download them and VOILA, here are five of Pat’s letters and words on audio CD. That’s 25 minutes of Pat Harris on a CD, ready for a parent and child to listen together. Pat makes it clear, these audio letters are not a substitute for therapy. These audio letters are just one way for parents, teachers and students to start talking about what’s behind the anger. I plan to use them in my classroom, playing one letter a week for the first month of school. I’ll ask students through that week to talk about their reaction to Pat’s message for that week. Then the students carry that CD home and I hope they’ll listen with their parents. Look for the fear The main message is “Look at what’s behind the anger.” The bully or the kid who doesn’t want to do

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homework, there’s some fear behind that bad attitude. There’s real power behind that observation: behind the anger is fear. Now I know better how to work with the anger that kids bring into my classrooms. I used to put kids on internal suspension. I got into too many shouting matches. Thanks to these audio letters, as a teacher I have an extra way to help kids and parents start resolving their issues so that I can start teaching. For example, one

of the letters is a poem called “Break the Cycle.” Pat reads it like a letter. I like this poem because it’s a neutral ground to start the discussion. The speaker can be a parent or a child or even a teacher. A child who is part of the cycle could be a bully and take out anger and pain on other kids. The speaker could be a teacher who is going to treat these students the way he was mistreated. They all can break the cycle. I feel so lucky to have these tools available for parents and students. I feel that schools can be more than just places for book learning. Pat tells me that she’s delighted that more people will be exposed to these letters and poems. We all have seen the transformation that takes place when people listen deeply to words that are meaningful to themselves. Don’t walk away We’ve been trained to stay away from angry people. When we can look behind the anger, we can find the fear that makes this person angry. Putting these materials on a web site is just a start.

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Not everyone can get to the web and not everyone will hear about this web site. Pat Harris and I want to offer these letters on a CD. Any money that is left over goes into giving away more of these CDs. Here’s an activity for any school: Ask students to answer these three questions. 1. What is your purpose for being in this school? Why are you here? 2. How can you help the school this year? How can you be an asset to this school? 3. What can you do to have a successful school year? What is your action plan? Then sit with each student and his/her parents to talk about the answers.

As a special bonus, I will include my “Visual and Active Tips For the SAT,” a video for getting a higher score. I developed this program for my SAT students and I want to send it at no charge to the first ten people who write to me at [email protected] or leave a message with their email address on my cell phone. 954.646.8246 I hope parents and teachers who read this web site will play a part in spreading this message of hope. I hope people who receive Pat’s audio letters see the value in them and make a copy and share these audio letters with friends and neighbors.

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Appendix 5 Bringing More Technology Into the Classroom and Into the Home How to Use Technology in the Multiple Intelligence classroom to remove fear and prepare students to compete with China and India A workshop with Pat Harris LMFT and Steve McCrea, SAT Tutor By the end of this 3-hour training, you will have the mindset to prepare yourself and your students to find the right amount of Technology for Bringing Multiple Intelligences into the Curriculum There will be a follow-up visit to your classroom to ensure that the practices are implemented in a constructive way. NOTICE This is a participatory workshop that requires input before the workshop begins. To be eligible for participation in the workshop, participants must read or listen to the materials and pass a “performance of understanding” before entering the workshop.

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Here’s Our Theory > Most workshops present useful information. > Most workshops do not have enough “follow-up” to ensure that the information is serving the teachers who took the workshops. > “Bringing More Technology” requires participants to sign a pledge of participation and to put something of value in the protection of the principal -- to be held until the participant has completed the six-step process 1. Reading materials before the workshop 2. Attendance at the workshop or viewing the workshop videos 3. A post-workshop “performance of understanding” 4. A follow-up visit to the teacher’s classroom(s) within one week (or as arranged with the workshop organizers) 5. A second follow-up 30 days later 6. A third follow up 90 to 120 days later. Reinforcement: one week, one month, one quarter, also known as 7-30-120 Using technology is like learning to ride a bicycle A behavior repeated seven times becomes a skill A skill repeated 21 times becomes a habit A habit repeated for 7 weeks becomes part of your life. To prepare for this workshop, visit the following web site: ResolveToHeal.com and click on the “Seminar.”

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Performance of Understanding

A central part of “More Technology” is the concept of a “performance of understanding. From Howard Gardner’s Intelligence Reframed… When it comes to probing a student’s understanding of evolution, the shrewd pedagogue looks beyond the mastery of dictionary definitions or the recitation of textbook examples. A student demonstrates or “performs” his understanding when he can examine a range of species found in different ecological niches and speculate about the reasons for their particular ensemble of traits. A student performs her understanding of the Holocaust when she can compare events in a Nazi concentration camp to such contemporary genocidal events as those in Bosnia, Kosovo or Rwanda in the 1990s. ... When students realize they will have to apply knowledge and demonstrate insights in a public form, they assume a more active stance to the material, seeking to exercise their “performance muscles” whenever possible. (page 160)

Structure of the Workshop We will ask questions

Did you see something cool on TV? How are you going to show it in your classroom? How can you organize your classroom and your students to make your job more interesting? How will these items (DVDs, audio cassettes, CDs, mp3 files, jpegs, web sites) be stored so students can easily find information?

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We will practice with “role play”

Imagine that you are a student who fears computers Imagine you are a teacher who fears computers Imagine that you are a student who has a negative self image about his or her weight and appearance. "We are going to videotape all of our classes." Oh, no! Imagine that you are a student who does very well with written tests but you are camera shy or you feel that students who do poorly on tests are being given unfair compensations?

We will experience fear and breakthroughs The Project-Centered Curriculum: Imagine that every class builds toward completing an electric car or a computerized image of a robot or whatever you decide with your students. If you teach history, why not ask students to assemble speeches from 25 elections over the past and then illustrate the key issues in each election... ? Rudolf Steiner asked his teachers to create textbooks with the students. Why not build a library from resources found online and off TV? What would you bring into the classroom if cost were no object? How can you bring something similar through the Internet or video?

What part of this workshop scares you already?

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Let's meet our fears and plan ahead What are the objections to technology?

Worry 1. It's easier to do things the way we did them before Worry 2. If there is a power outage, no class work can take place Worry 3. We don't have enough computers and we have lots of textbooks Worry 4. Everyone has to learn to do research in a book. You have to learn to read a chapter from start to finish. Worry 5. I have a concern about “appearing stupid.” I don’t want to show students that I don’t know something. I will look stupid and they will lose respect.

HERE IS OUR THEME: "Music, soap opera, radio and television are already educating our students and if we want to compete, we’ve got to use equally attractive media. A trembling timid schoolteacher reciting Shakespeare can’t compete with Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet, so she should show her students his movie as part of the course.” Paul Wagner, 1949, President of Rollins College

There is no “one solution fitting all schools.” There is nothing new here. The results are based on common sense and using what we have at hand. This workshop and the follow-up sessions allow you to learn the theories of Learning Styles, Performance of Understanding and “looking at the big picture,” then apply technology in the way that works for you and your classroom.

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HOMEWORK BEFORE THE SEMINAR Bring to the seminar at least one incident where you felt you or your student was out of control, where anger was driving the situation, not you. Put the item in writing or draw a picture or make a short video about the event. Describe the background to the event and how you handled the situation and what you would have done differently. Bring to the seminar at least one suggestion for improving the quality of education in your school. Write your suggestion down or be prepared to make a performance of understanding. We will make workbooks that the participants need to read BEFORE each day’s work. There will be performances of understanding (interviews by the seminar leaders) to make sure the participants are ready to enter and begin the seminar. Anyone who doesn’t pass the “performance” must sit outside the classroom until the item is completed. For example, the performance can be a one-minute or a two-minute summary of the situation that we want them to tell us about. If they arrive without doing homework (such as the “situation where I was out of control and how I handled the situation), they have to sit outside until they have produced the homework. We will videotape the entire seminar… This will be a fabulous experience and we’ll share highlights of the seminar on DVD and the web site. Do you feel the goose bumps of innovation?

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An End Note Dear Reader, Thank you for going on this journey with me. I have shared with you tips that work for me and for my clients. You and I have spent time together through reading. There are children who don’t see value in reading, so I encourage you to volunteer in a local school. Be a mentor. Be an example to children who need an adult who “knows them, looks out for them and pushes them to succeed” (as Bill Gates put it in February 2005). I invite you to write to me with your suggestions. You can send your ideas to my colleague Steve, who will relay your message to me: [email protected]. A school in St. Louis has the following rules: No put downs Active listening Do my personal best Trust each other Tell the truth (NewCitySchool.org) These rules are a good foundation. Many elementary schools use these rules – so why not use them in high school and with adults, too? Acknowledgements The concept of the “vook” or Visual Book is to provide the reader an audio, visual and linguistic way of getting the information. People who absorb information by listening will enjoy the audio CD. Visual learners can watch the DVD. The photos spread through the book might not appear to be linked to the text, but the images will promote positive thinking.

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Sunrise in Fort Lauderdale

Source: TropicDiver.com

We have opportunities. We have mentors. We have options.

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ResolveToHeal.com Mission: To enhance the growth and development of children, adolescents and adults Our Goal: To reduce the frequency and intensity of emotional and behavioral problems at home, school and in communities. At Resolve To Heal, we celebrate the uniqueness of individuals and embrace the diversity which complements our individual strengths. In addition to counseling services, we provide consultation towards optimizing the relationship between corporate staff and management. Patricia A. Harris, LMFT

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