Watchmen The Abridged Version Script- Final

INT. WARNER BROS. STUDIO HEAD OFFICE, DAY Enter ZACK SNYDER and STUDIO HEAD. STUDIO HEAD Zack, we’re proud of your accomplishments Here at the WB, especially 300. Yowza, Nearly $500 million total box office for a stylish adaptation of an overrated “graphic novel”?. Great job kiddo. ZACK SNYDER Thanks sir, I just set out to make a Fun movie, and it seems everyone Enjoyed it. STUDIO HEAD Well, I believe that the film was Far too short- if you cut out the slow Motion, it would’ve been 15 min tops Until Leonidas met his maker. We want a film That’s twice as long but half as coherent. That’s why I’ve called you in today; we want you to make another “adaptation” of A “graphic novel”. Your choice- Watchmen, the beloved masterpiece by Dave Gibbons and Alan Moore, or My Little Pony meets The Muppets. ZACK Can I do a film based on the non-shitty Graphic novel then? STUDIO HEAD My Little Pony it is then! ZACK No, I meant Watchmen; I feel that I can Do a bang-up job with the source material; We’ll get the whole crew together- Rorschach And everyone- it’ll be awesome, promise. STUDIO HEAD Fine Zack, we’ll let you have at it on Two accounts. First, we have license to Whore out the Watchmen brand to anything And everything. Second: Walk Hard, Sarah Marshall- all these films had male dong in Them- we need penis, lots of penis. Got it?

ZACK YES SIR! I guarantee you a $55 million opening weekend followed by a Disappointing theatrical run soon after. STUDIO HEAD That a boy, Zack. INT. THE COMEDIAN’s APARTMENT. NIGHT.

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A SHADOWY FIGURE breaks into a lavish apartment owned by THE COMEDIAN, a retired superhero/government spy. The Comedian is sitting on his couch, watching Wheel of Fortune when the Shadowy Figure sneaks up and says: SHADOWY FIGURE You! You were the one who left Ally McBeal So early in its original run! For that I Must kill you. THE COMEDIAN No, no. You have me mixed up with Robert Downey Jr., a far more capable, handsome and skillful actor. I’m Jeffery Dean Morgan- I play a ghost on Grey’s Anatomy. SHADOWY FIGURE A ghost, that’s fucking retarded! THE COMEDIAN Tell me about it. SHADOWY FIGURE Regardless, I must kill you, because Without your death there is no plot. THE COMEDIAN “No plot” you say? How is this different from 300 again? SHADOWY FIGURE Um…I dunno, I think there’s like Superheroes in this movie instead. Anyway- time to die. THE COMEDIAN Just a matter of time, I suppose.

THE COMEDIAN and SHADOWY FIGURE then fight in OH MY GOD SLOW MOTION until The Comedian is thrown out through the glass in his apartment and falls to his death. This is somehow cool because IT TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE THE COMIC BOOK even though IT’S FAIRLY POINTLESS. CUT TO: A montage of old superheroes such as NITE OWL and SILK SPECTRE is shown; an apparent callback to ideas explored in the original novel. The montage shows the alternate universe of which the film takes place, such as Richard Nixon getting re-elected for many terms, and the assassination of Kennedy- this time caused by The Comedian. All of this is set to the song “The Times- They are a-Changin’” by Bob Dylan. This also happens to be THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE. EXT. NEW YORK ALLEY. EVENING

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A cool opening shot starts at ground level, tracking a view of the Smiley Face pin that The Comedian wore before his death from upstairs at his apartment, where there are two cops “investigating” the crime. Back on the ground, we are introduced to RORSCHACH (Alias: Walter Kovacs), who opens with a narration. RORSCHACH Rorschach’s Journal. A Comedian died Last night. Somebody’s responsible. Picking off costumed heroes. An attack On one is an attack on all of us. I will find who did this; he is afraid of Me. I’ve seen his true face. Metaphorically Speaking of course. CUT TO: INT. DAN DREIBERG’s HOUSE. NIGHT DAN DREIBERG, also known as NITE OWL II (or NITE OWL for short) is seen entering his home after a long days work or something. After hanging up his coat, he enters his kitchen and sees Rorschach eating a can of beans. DAN DREIBERG Uh, help yourself buddy? RORSCHACH Don’t mind if I do. Comedian was murdered Last night. Must watch out; Costume killer out there now.

DAN DREIBERG Rorschach, don’t worry. Edward was a Government spy; he was going to get Assassinated sooner or later. There’s No “costume killer”. RORSCHACH (Growls). No, wrong. Must get to bottom Of this. Will find Dr. Manhattan, he’ll Know what is up. Goodbye, limpdick. RORSCHACH disappears. DAN (muttering) Asshole. INT. DR. MANHATTAN’s LABORATORY NIGHT.

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Rorschach sneaks into DR. MANHATTAN (Alias: Jon Osterman) and LAURIE JUPITER’s(also known as SILK SPECTRE II or SILK SPECTRE for short) basement which doubles as an office for Manhattan. Manhattan is around 30 feet tall, working with lights on the ceiling until Rorschach arrives. RORSCHACH Jon, Comedian was killed last night. Thinking… DR. MANHATTAN …That there’s a costumed killer on the Loose? Don’t waste my time today Walter. I’m helping Adrian Veidt with A new energy source that can either Help save the world…or destroy it. (Pauses) I hope this piece of information doesn’t Matter by the end of the film. Besides I have A TV interview in five minutes that I have to get all blue for. DR. Manhattan then shrinks to normal size; we then see that he is completely naked for NO APPARENT REASON. RORSCHACH Jon, (growls) Naked, penis. Blue. Blue penis. Put pants on. LAURIE JUPITER enters the room.

LAURIE Jon, babe. Put your clothes on! No one wants to see your ocean Colored hard on. Besides, you need To teleport to that interview in a Few minutes. I’m meeting up with Dan later tonight (mutters) and bang the hell out of him (normal voice) so don’t wait up! DR. MANHATTAN Walter, if you’ll excuse me… Dr. Manhattan proceeds to put on a suit and tie in record time and teleports to his interview. RORSCHACH Laurie, looking goo… LAURIE Fuck off Walter. RORSCHACH leaves after his rejection. CUT TO: INT. TV STUDIO NIGHT Dr. Manhattan is seen on television where he is being interviewed about something or another until he is interrupted on-air by SUPER SPECIAL GUEST JANEY. JANEY Jon, how could you? I was in love With you, and you leave me heartbroken And with cancer? DR. MANHATTAN Janey. I don’t think you can get cancer From me dumping you and pursuing jailbait. JANEY No, you jerk. I loved you. LOVED YOU. WITH MY VAGINA. That’s how I got cancer- I was Fucking the human equivalent of an atomic Bomb.

DR. MANHATTAN What?! NO! I don’t believe that. That’s A lie. I couldn’t…I mean, I didn’t…not on Purpose…you were supposed to be on the pill! Dr. Manhattan is hounded by the on-air audience until he can no longer take it. DR. MANHATTAN I didn’t give her cancer! That’s impossible! People…please, just LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Dr. Manhattan disappears in a flash of blue light only to reappear on Mars for some reason. INT. DAN DREIBERG’s HOUSE NIGHT

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Dan and Laurie enter the house after a night out of eating and dancing. Laurie sparks up a conversation as they enter the living room. LAURIE Thanks again for dinner, Dan. I seemed to Forget what it feels like to not be ignored By a man. DAN Is Jon not treating you right anymore? LAURIE It’s not that. I mean, he can make all My fantasies come true, and he can take Me anywhere around the world in an instant. But he’s not right for me. Besides, have you Seen his blue penis? DAN We all have, Laurie. Unfortunately. LAURIE I love him, but I must leave him to keep My dignity intact. DAN And this is coming from Malin Akerman, the actress who starred in 27 Dresses and The Heartbreak Kid? Honey You lost your dignity ages ago.

LAURIE Heh, heh it’s LAURIE, not MALIN, remember? DAN Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Your shitty acting is distracting me. LAURIE (swoon)You really DO care for me! I love you. Make me your woman tonight. DAN Um, actually…I’m having problems down…there. LAURIE Down where? DAN Well, you know. My (points to crotch). I’m having trouble getting “it” up. LAURIE “It”? What “It?” DAN Jesus, Laurie, this is not a fucking EXTENZE commercial. My dick can’t get Hard anymore, understand? No sex tonight. LAURIE Um…kay. How about spooning instead? DAN Sure, whatever, it gives the audience An excuse to see more bare male ass Then they could’ve hoped for in a Comic book film. They both proceed to spoon naked. The scene lingers for a bit and it is AWKWARD TO WATCH. CUT TO: INT. ADRIAN VEIDT’s OFFICE. DAY Adrian Veidt (formerly known as costumed hero Ozymandias) is seen talking to an employee about a new business venture.

EMPLOYEE So here’s the pitch- an animated Television show with you and your Loyal sidekick Bubastis! It’ll be Just like “Scooby-Doo” except better! Whadda say? It’ll make a boat-ton of Money in merchandising… ADRIAN (scoffs)I don’t think so my good man. We Watchmen are far above whoring out Our names to such drivel in order to Make a quick buck. They walk over to a television set with a video game system connected to it. ADRIAN Speaking of which, have you played this Newfangled video game called Watchmen: The End is Nigh? Supposedly You can play as your favorite superhero And beat up bad guys to save the day! EMPLOYEE Yes, Adrian, I have heard that you Can PURCHASE IT FOR YOUR PLAYSTATION 3 OR XBOX 360 CONSOLE TODAY! Just then, a gunman enters the office, fires a shot that kills the employee and fires another one that Adrian barely dodges. They then have a brief tussle in OH MY GOD SLOW MOTION until the gunman is disarmed. Before Adrian can question who sent the gunman, he takes a cyanide pill and keels over, with “X”’s over his eyes naturally. ADRIAN NOOO! Nevermind that an innocent employee was just killed; I was almost in danger there! (pauses) Well, back to saving and/or Harming the universe with that thingy Dr. Manhattan helped me create. INT. MOLOCH THE MYSTIC’s APARTMENT. EVENING

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Rorschach sneaks and climbs his way into former villain Moloch the Mystic’s apartment; the man is assumed to be in his late 50s. Rorschach enters the kitchen to find Moloch sitting quietly in the dark, facing the other way.

RORSCHACH Moloch- costumed killer on the loose. Villain like you must be up to something. You knew Comedian. You hated Comedian. Maybe you offed him from 30 story building. Moloch fails to respond. RORSCHACH (Growls) Answer me! Moloch again does placed firearm on turn on and in an murdered at point holding.

not respond. Rorschach then picks up a conveniently the table and points it at Moloch. The lights then instant, Rorschach sees that Moloch had been blank range with the very same gun that he is

RORSCHACH (Growls) Set up! The SWAT team then bursts into the door and arrest Rorschach but not before we see his mask get taken off. The audience gasps in excitement to see what Rorschach really looks under his ink blotted “face”. AUDIENCE MEMBER I bet he’s a grizzled old Soldier, war torn from Vietnam. AUDIENCE MEMBER 2 No, it’s gotta be Clint Eastwood. He’s a badass. AUDIENCE MEMBER 3 OMG EDWARD CULLEN! We then see that Rorschach is just some forty-year-old ginger kid. AUDIENCE MEMBER Aw, he’s just some red-head with Freckles? He looks like Chucky’s pederast uncle. What a disappointment. AUDIENCE MEMBER 2 Dude, I gave up on this movie as soon As I saw the blue penis. CUT TO:

EXT. MARS. NIGHT Dr. Manhattan had just exiled himself to Mars, where he begins to contemplate on his past, present and future life. He is naked again, just to make the teenage boys in the audience squirm in their seats and assure to themselves that they are not gay for watching this film. DR. MANHATTAN I can experience all my life, My past, my future, my present, At one time. Yet I find I am Useless to change the course Of mankind. There is so much I can see- a nuclear war, the Deaths of millions of innocents, Yet even though I have the powers Of a god, I cannot help in any way For some reason or another. Just then a huge building thing rises from the ground and looks awesome and stuff JUST LIKE IN THE COMIC BOOK for no real reason. Also, Manhattan finds his PANTS and puts them on. The audience cheers because there is finally a LACK OF BLUE WANG. INT. SING SING PRISON HOLDING CELL. EVENING

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Rorschach without his costume, dressed in a prison outfit, is being questioned by a therapist about why he is so mentally disturbed. Because irony is not lost on this therapist, he uses RORSCHACH PAINTINGS to get a sense of what Rorschach is thinking. Get it, Rorschach is viewing RORSCHACH PAINTINGS? It’s comedic gold, truly. THERAPIST Tell me what you don’t like About yourself…no wait, that’s Not right. (holds up painting) Tell me what you see here. RORSCHACH My whore of a mother fucking Some guy for five bucks. THERAPIST Um…ok. Moving on. How about This one? RORSCHACH A pretty butterfly.

THERAPIST Really Walter? I think we’re Finally making progress! RORSCHACH I lied. Picture of two German Shepherds with butcher knives Shoved into their heads. THERAPIST Damn it Walter! RORSCHACH (growls)Name not Walter. Walter Died night when Rorschach killed child rapist. Only Rorschach lives. THERAPIST There’s no use; I’m putting you In solitary confinement. You’re Only companions will be the same Man you put behind bars, Big Figure, And his henchmen. I’m sure they’ve Forgiven you for putting them in Here ten long years ago. RORSCHACH (growls) (snarls) (barks) Rorschach is then taken to his cell, where he is harassed by the henchmen and Big Figure, who is a little person. Get it, Big Figure is actually a midget? Again with the HILARIOUS IRONY. BIG FIGURE Rorschach, we meet again, finally. I’m Going to ignore the fact that you just Murdered some 6-foot beast with a frying Pan and have two fat buddies of mine try To open your cell and kill you. But for Reals this time. RORSCHACH (growls) Fat chance, big guy. That’s a Tall order. Large. Midget. BIG FIGURE Fuck that, it’s time we started shit.

One henchman tries to grab Rorschach through the bars, but Rorschach is able to grab his thumbs in a forcible grip, not allowing him to escape. Because there is somehow no other way to get this henchman to move, his arms are cut off as he bleeds to death in a GRATUITIOUSLY VIOLENT SCENE. The other henchman cuts the door open with a chainsaw that he inexplicably kept in his cell without any guards finding it, then happens to slip on a well-placed banana peel, bashes his head against a toilet, and electrocutes himself to death. RORSCHACH Knew banana peel come in handy one day. (to Big Figure) Here, piggy, piggy. Big Figure runs away, as Rorschach follows him like a badass.

TO: INT. DAN DREIBERG’S HOUSE. NIGHT

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As Dan and Laurie awkwardly spoon with each other, the television reports a life-threatening fire at an apartment nearby. Dan jumps to action! DAN We must take action! Even though I’m About 40 pounds overweight, and I Can’t go up a flight of stairs without breathing like Rob Reiner, it is our duty as outlawed vigilante superheroes without superpowers to overcome this menace! The menace of poor electrical wiring! LAURIE Well, I guess, sure, the crowd’s falling Asleep by now; we’ll need to have an action Sequence to keep them from buying a ticket To Hannah Montana somehow. Let me go put on my suit which I conveniently keep in my pocket or something.

s Dan and Laurie suit up, fly a gaudy airship that is somehow not tracked even in the middle of the night and race to the burning building. BURNING VICTIMS Help us semi-masked avengers! Even though The firefighters have done a perfectly capable Job for the past hour and a half, do please Come in and take all of their glory!

They are all saved! Plus there was a brief OH MY GOD SLOW MOTION scene that was kind of cool to look at to boot! Costumed Dan and Laurie drop off the victims in a perfectly safe dark alley way. LAURIE Told you I was up for doing something crazy In the middle of the night! What’s next? DAN We have an I think we Can get to But first:

obligation to our fraternity; have to spring Rorschach so we the bottom of this mess. Obligatory sex scene!

Dan and Laurie then take part in the WORST SEX SCENE EVER IN A FILM. SERIOUSLY, IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE. CUT TO: INT. SING SING PRISON. NIGHT Dan and Laurie descend into the prison where a riot has broken out. Instead of keeping the prisoners calm while trying to find Rorschach, they instead BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EVERYBODY. In OH MY GOD SLOW MOTION. Rorschach is seen following Big Figure into the bathroom. DAN Look, there’s Rorschach. (To Rorschach) Laurie and I came to spring you out of here, c’mon before I have to shiv this guy in the face! RORSCHACH (growls) In a minute. Have to take Dump all over this guy. I mean beat him Off. DAN Uh…yeah dude have fun with your Scheisse or whatever, we’ll be here. Rorschach finishes off Big Figure off-screen somehow and follows Dan and Laurie to the safety of the gaudy airship. CUT TO: EXT. BIG BLUE PENIS ALL IN YOUR FACE. A LOOOOOOOOOOOONG close up of Lil’ Dr. Manhattan is seen as Laurie is teleported to Mars for some reason. LAURIE Jon, what the hell? I was perfectly safe with the obese Batman rip-off and the psychotic guy whose diet consists of sugar cubes and raw eggs.

DR. MANHATTAN Laurie, come with me on this huge Buildingamacalit and contemplate Human existence with me. Also, I Found out that you’re the Comedian’s Bastard child after he raped your Mom years ago. This would’ve been News to me if Zack Snyder hadn’t been So fucking obvious about it for the past Two hours. LAURIE Rape, no, him, NO!! (*cries*) I’m Devastated! (pauses) Ok, let’s go back to Earth before death and destruction hits. They teleport. INT. DAN DREIBERG’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

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Rorschach and Dan use the peculiar invention of GOOGLE to investigate the mask killer theory when they find that (GASP), ADRIAN VEIDT IS BEHIND IT! DAN (Gasp) Adrian Veidt is behind it! RORSCHACH I know. Stupid script writer made it Abundantly clear two lines before hand. Need to go stop Adrian before he makes Batman act in an uninspired sequel to Terminator. INT. ADRIAN VEIDT’S ANTARCTIC HIDEOUT. DAY? ADRIAN Dan, Rorschach, funny meeting you Here in my secret hideout. Somehow It took you twenty minutes to travel Over 8000 miles, but I’ll disregard that. DAN We know it was you who killed the Comedian, Set up Dr. Manhattan and made The Spirit star In a shitty-ass movie! Admit it!

ADRIAN Yes, Dan, you’re correct. I did it because I need to blow up New York and maintain world Peace. It worked for Hiroshima, it’ll work now. You see, I had Mr. Blue Balls help create energy thingys that turn into devastating bombs that’ll Destroy a good portion of life as we know it. All I have to do is activate it, and soon the world will Come together in tragedy. This’ll work. DAN No! When were you planning to do this? ADRIAN Haha, silly Dan, you didn’t think I was some Sort of James Bond villain, revealing my plan Before you had a chance to change to outcome, Did you? Next to Adrian lies a big DEATH N’ DESTRUCTION N’ WAFFLES button. ADRIAN Well, I’m going to do it, RIGHT NOW! He inches his finger to the button in OH MY GOD SLOW MOTION as Rorschach and Dan stand there doing nothing, then OH MY GOD SLOW MOTION again, then one more time, then HE PRESSES THE BUTTON HOLY HELL! ADRIAN Done! World peace! Laurie and Dr. Manhattan appear from thin air. DR. MANHATTAN Adrian, you know I can’t let you Do that…wait, you already did? Damn it, nevermind. LAURIE Jon, you can’t let him get away with This! Do something, blast him away Or fly backwards and turn back time! Superman did it! DR. MANHATTAN I can’t, because Adrian’s right. He’s achieved world peace. They came Together through tragedy, and if we Break that illusion, World War III Would really happen.

RORSCHACH No! Leaving to tell truth. Never Surrender, even in the face of Armageddon! DR. MANHATTAN Wingardium Peniosa! Dr. Manhattan kills Rorschach! Oh noes! DAN Rorschach is dead, Oh noes! DR. MANHATTAN Sorry Dan, Walter, Laurie and Adrian, But I had to. This is our secret and Ours only. We cannot reveal the truth For it is far too much for the world To bear. We must watch over the world, keeping them safe from harm. Dr. Manhattan and his penis leave the building, but for reals this time. DAN But who watches the watchmen? WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN? Evidently, no one watches the Watchmen when the box office receipts are totaled. END.