Thrust Theatre Company And Theatre In Me Present

Thrust Theatre Company and Theatre In Me present

By Bruce Adams & Matt Fowler

December 2009

PROPERTY OF THRUST THEATRE COMPANY & THEATRE IN ME © THRUST THEATRE COMPANY 2009 Winter Season 2009

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Aladdin

by Bruce Adams & Matt Fowler Aladdin – a down-and-out; our hero.

Empress of China – China’s diva monarch; announced that she will abdicate as soon as her daughter is married.

Princess Ping-Pong – daughter of the Empress of China. Abanaza – Royal Vizier to the empress; wants to marry the princess to become emperor.

Slave of the Ring – A magical spirit enslaved in a ring. Genie of the Lamp – A slightly more powerful spirit…enslaved in a lamp.

Widow Twankey – Aladdin’s mother; flamboyant proprietor of a launderette.

Captain of the Guards – The equivalent of a police chief.

Wishy and Washy – Aladdin’s brothers. Mikado – Abanaza’s stooge; falls in love with Wishy. Or Washy.

ACT I ABANAZA’S LAIR Enter ABANAZA with MIKADO with smoke FX, to booing and funeral music. Abanaza

Good evening, boys and girls and things Allow me now to set the scene Our story starts in old Peking With fellows good and strange and mean. I am Abanaza, and I’ll have the power –

ABANAZA is interrupted by ‘The Power’, accompanied by dazzling lights. In irritation he produces a “bomb” and launches it into the wings. Explosion, silence. That’s better. Where were we? I am Abanaza, and I’ll have the power By the time we’ve told our tale And I’ll control you motley shower Believe you me, I will not fail. Aladdin is your hero – Another interruption – ‘I Need A Hero’. ABANAZA clicks, MIKADO exits SL, returns a moment later dragging a technician by his ear, off SR. Screaming is heard from the wing.

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He clears his throat. Aladdin is your hero now But by the end he’ll be no more Because he’ll steal what’s rightfully mine: The princess; stupid fuMIKADO (who has re-entered) hastily interrupts with a bad rhyme: Mikado

Ducking…floor?

ABANAZA shoots her a look of poison then continues. Abanaza

The empress, with her stylish flair Will leave her title and her gold –

Final interruption: ‘Gold’. ABANAZA roars in anger, sends MIKADO offstage. She drags on the technician, screen, vacuum cleaner and extension cord. Hoovering and screaming is heard, leaving nothing but a pair of shoes. Will leave her title and her gold To he who weds the princess fair To lead a life of wealth untold. And all of that, it shall be mine: No pauper will stand in my way For in this tale as old as time The villain, he shall have his day. But for now I am a busy man, I must get busy with my plan To gain control of all Peking So now our story must begin. Evil laugh, exit to booing. MARKETPLACE IN PEKING Sunrise over Peking. People are going about their business. ALADDIN enters and sings ‘We Are Golden’ with ENSEMBLE. Aladdin

Hello boys and girls!

Audience response. I’m Aladdin, who are you? Response?

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Not all at once (then). WISHY and WASHY enter. Wishy/Washy

Yo, bro!

Aladdin

What are you two doing here? Mum told you to stay in. Aren’t you meant to be helping in the laundry?

Wishy/Washy

That’s boring!

Washy

Anyway, Mum let us off when she found her vodka…

Wishy

When we planted her vodka, you mean.

Washy

She’s having a good soak as we speak.

Wishy

Pickled Mum!

They giggle. Aladdin

But remember –

He turns to the audience, lights dim, spotlight on ALADDIN. - We here in Peking advocate responsible drinking. Don’t drink and ride. A panto horse crosses SR to SL: its rider carries a cardboard cut-out reading “bOOZE”. Lights back up. WASHY notices the audience. Washy

Hey, Aladdin, who’s that lot?

Aladdin

My new friends.

Wishy

Friends?

Washy

Aladdin doesn’t have friends.

Aladdin

I do now, don’t I boys and girls?

Audience response. Wishy

Can we be their friends too?

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Aladdin

I don’t know, you’ll have to ask them.

Washy

Can we be your friends?

Audience response. Wishy

I’m Wishy, Aladdin’s coolest brother.

Washy

And I’m Washy, Aladdin’s better-looking brother.

Wishy

We’re twins, how can you be better looking?

Aladdin

(to WASHY) Have you dyed your hair?

Washy

What makes you say that?

Aladdin

It just…looks like it’s dyed.

Wishy

Slowly and painfully.

WISHY and WASHY start bickering, ALADDIN separates them by their ears. Wishy/Washy

Ow…ow…ow…

Aladdin

Cut it out, you two.

Wishy

That’s what I told him!

WISHY donks WASHY on the top of the head, they lunge for each other. Aladdin

Don’t make me send you back to Mum. She won’t be happy if you interrupt her vodka session.

Wishy

It’s not so much a session –

Washy

- as a way of life.

Aladdin

I’ll tell her you said that.

Washy

We’re not bothered.

Wishy

She’ll never remember.

Offstage a gong is heard. The TOWNSPEOPLE begin to clear. Washy

We’d better go, Aladdin.

Wishy

That means the princess is coming to do her shopping.

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Aladdin

Nah, I’m going to hide.

Wishy

Are you mad? You know no-one is allowed to see Princess Ping-Pong’s face.

Aladdin

For all we know she could be my dream woman. We could fall in love and live happily ever after.

Washy

Come off it, Aladdin.

Wishy

Have you been at Mum’s vodka?

Washy

Mum’s got more chance of finding her iron than you have of getting with the princess.

Aladdin

What are you talking about? Mum never lets it out of her sight, it’s always in the same place.

Wishy/Washy

Not now it’s not!

The gong sounds again, they look panicked. Wishy

We’re going to go. On your head be it.

Washy

Literally. You know what happens to people who get caught.

They both draw their fingers across their necks. Wishy/Washy

Later, boys and girls, keep an eye on him for us.

Exit WISHY and WASHY, leaving ALADDIN in a deserted market. Enter GUARDS. Captain

Oi, Aladdin. I don’t want no trouble from you.

Aladdin

(innocent) Trouble, sir? I’m not going to give you any trouble.

Captain

A likely story.

Aladdin

I thought so, too.

Captain

(slow) Wha – hey. Less of your cheek.

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Aladdin

I was born with these cheeks. (he begins to count them). One…two…(turns around)…three…

Captain

I’m warning you!

Aladdin

OK, OK, fine, I was just leaving. Some people just can’t be the butt of a joke.

The CAPTAIN raises his hand – ALADDIN scarpers, hiding behind a market stall. The audience sees this, the GUARDS do not. ALADDIN gestures at the audience to keep his secret. PRINCESS PING-PONG enters, wearing a veil. Princess

You are excused.

The GUARDS exit. She removes her veil and begins to look around the stalls. As she comes to the stall that ALADDIN is hiding behind, he moves to another. The PRINCESS doesn’t notice. This happens again. She starts. Who’s there? It happens again. ALADDIN sneezes. Who’s there, I say? Aladdin

No-one!

Princess

Oh, that’s alright – wait…

Aladdin

Damn.

Princess

Come out.

ALADDIN sheepishly emerges. Do you know that it is a crime to look upon my face? Aladdin

If you ask me, it would be a crime not to.

Princess

I – what?

Aladdin

It seems like a bit of a waste to hide it away behind that veil.

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Princess

(taken aback) That’s…very nice of you. Do you know who I am?

Aladdin

Everybody knows who you are. I’m not an idiot.

Princess

Questionable. You know I could have your head.

Aladdin

I know.

Princess

You’d risk your head for a glimpse of my face.

Aladdin

The smallest glimpse, yes.

Beat. The PRINCESS thinks. Princess

That’s very sweet. No-one’s ever spoken to me like that before.

Aladdin

Has anyone ever spoken to you before?

Princess

Servants, my mother…

Aladdin

Friends?

Princess

No. I don’t have friends.

Aladdin

Do you want one now? That is…if you don’t want my head instead?

A very awkward comedy bow. He stays low, looking up to see what the PRINCESS does. Eventually, the PRINCESS responds with a very slight bow. Princess

My mother would never approve. The empress.

Aladdin

What makes you say that?

Princess

She only likes money. Once I’m married, she will make my new husband the emperor of all of China. But she only lets me mix with rich, powerful men. And they’re all such wa-

MIKADO runs on from the wings, clasps her hand around the PRINCESS’ mouth and cries: Mikado

- bankers!

Exit MIKADO. Long, stunned silence. After a while:

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Princess

...What just happened?

ALADDIN turns to the audience again in spotlight. Aladdin

We in Peking advocate a pleasant attitude towards each other at all times. So remember – it’s never right to be saying –

MIKADO enters again with a bottle of Sprite, same routine. Mikado

- Sprite!

Lights back up. Another long silence. Princess

…Seriously. What just happened?

Aladdin

Government censorship. It’s a bitch.

MIKADO shouts from the wings, running onto the stage out of breath. Mikado

Hitch!

Aladdin

Too late.

MIKADO exits. ALADDIN turns back to the PRINCESS. So you’ve only ever mixed with rich and famous princes? Princess

Yes. Mum has to see their bank statement before they can even get through the door.

Aladdin

So I’d have no chance, then.

Princess

Not unless you’ve applied for ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’.

Aladdin

I have, but it’s 50/50 that I’ll get on.

“Fail” sound effect. That wasn’t so bad! Shall I ask the audience? Princess

(shaking her head) I’m not going to give you that.

Very long pause while the joke sinks in. “Fail” sound effect. You can’t do that to me, I’m royalty.

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Aladdin

Who are you complaining to? You’ll have to phone a friend…

Princess

Well isn’t that the million pound question.

Blackout on the “fail” sound effect. WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY Lights up. WIDOW TWANKEY, WISHY, WASHY and their assistants (ENSEMBLE) sing ‘9 To 5’. Widow Twankey Hello boys and girls! Audience response. I’m Widow Twankey. What are you doing in my laundry, are you the new assistants? Because this lot are rubbish. Wishy

No, Mum.

Washy

These are our friends.

Widow Twankey Friends? These are your friends? (to audience) You should be more careful about the company you keep. They’ll have you playing all sorts of tricks on me. Would you play tricks on old Widow Twankey? Well would you? Audience response. Deary me you’re very quiet. Wishy

Maybe it’s just old Widow Twankey’s hearing aid going.

WIDOW TWANKEY bonks both her sons with her iron. Widow Twankey Any more of that and I’ll ship you off to the palace to clean the Empress’ feet. Washy

(rubbing his head) I told you we shouldn’t have given her iron back.

Wishy

But she was going all red-faced and googly-eyed.

Widow Twankey That was just the vodka, dear. Wishy/Washy

Oh.

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Widow Twankey (to audience) Now, I can’t be doing with a quiet gaggle in my laundry. It’s always party party party. Would some sweets liven you up? Yes? I thought they might. WIDOW TWANKEY produces a bag of sweets from her bosom. Washy

Brings a whole new meaning to “bon-bons”…

Widow Twankey Now, I’m not sure I have enough for everyone. Should I give them to this side (SR)…or this side (SL)? Speak up! WIDOW TWANKEY eggs them on, rewarding the loudest side with sweets but eventually throwing them to everyone. Now you’re listening (shoots a glare), I suppose it would be rude not to tell you a bit about myself. And heaven knows I do like talking about myself. Wishy/Washy

Don’t we know it.

For each “furniture gag”, an advert from Ikea appears on the cyc. Widow Twankey Quiet, you two, or I’ll have you folding Baron Ikea’s pyjama bottoms. They’re quite large, he’s a very tall boy. And a smart dresser. You don’t want to be going near his drawers though, or he’ll – Washy

Mum, we can only take this joke sofa (“so far”)…

“Fail” sound effect. Wishy

Hearing that sound so many times in two scenes is surely the sign of a bad pantomime.

“Fail” sound effect. What? That wasn’t even a jo“Fail” sound effect. Bu“Fail” sound effect. Fine. I’ll go fold the underwear. Exit WISHY to the sound effect.

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Widow Twankey As I was saying, my name is Widow Twankey. I am a widow, but heaven knows who my husband was. I’ve been running this laundry practically single-handedly – Washy

Yes. One hand for the laundry, the other for a bottle.

WIDOW TWANKEY bonks WASHY with the iron. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to help Wishy. It’s a two-person job anyway. Widow Twankey Finally, he’s clocked on. (beat) Oh dear, I thought we’d put this joke to bed. Exit WASHY. Really, these interruptions must stop. As I was saying, this laundry has been my sole attention since my husband died. Over the years I’ve got really quite good at it all. In fact, you might say I’m a bit of a scrubber. Assistant

You don’t have to tell us.

WIDOW TWANKEY raises her iron as if to strike, pauses, looks at the iron, sighs: Widow Twankey I’ve run out of steam. Enter ALADDIN. Aladdin

Mum, Mum!

Widow Twankey Where have you been, you festering waste of mother’s milk? Aladdin

Steady on, Mum.

Widow Twankey Sorry. Hot flush. (fans herself) Aladdin

Not so few and far between any more, are they?

Widow Twankey You be quiet, it’s just the tumble driers. Aladdin

I thought it was all the water making your hands wrinkly.

Widow Twankey That too. Aladdin

Have you been washing socks with your face then?

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Widow Twankey Has your mum been washing socks with her face? Aladdin

(beat) You are my mum. That’s an awful joke.

Widow Twankey I know, I’ll iron it out later. Anyway, what are you so excited about? Aladdin

I’ve met someone – a girl!

Widow Twankey A girl? You? Aladdin

You don’t have to be so surprised.

Widow Twankey Will the miracles never cease? Aladdin

What other miracles have happened?

Widow Twankey Well, John and Edward kept getting through on ‘The X Factor’… Aladdin

Still, I’ve met girls before.

Widow Twankey And look how they all turned out. Aladdin

What do you mean?

Widow Twankey Well, there was that girl you bought flowers – Aladdin

- Beautiful, they were.

Widow Twankey So was she until you found out she was allergic. Came out all red and blotchy. Looked like a new year’s dragon by the time you were finished with her. Aladdin

That was just the one –

Widow Twankey

- And that one you pushed in the lake.

Aladdin

She said she had a sense of humour!

Widow Twankey She couldn’t swim! Aladdin

Fine, just the two –

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Widow Twankey

- And that one you found out loved dogs.

Aladdin

She did!

Widow Twankey Yes, but not in a stir fry! It was a pet, she wasn’t farming it! Aladdin

OK, OK! Just those three –

Widow Twankey

- And… -

Aladdin

- Mum, drop it!

Widow Twankey Fine. So what’s this one? Love fireworks, does she? Gonna attach her to a rocket? Aladdin

It’s the princess.

Widow Twankey The – who? Aladdin

Princess Ping-Pong.

Widow Twankey The real one? Aladdin

No, Mum, the ceramic one.

Widow Twankey How did you meet the princess? Do you know what happens to men who look at the princess? Aladdin

I had an inkling, yes. Something about heads…

Widow Twankey Yes, something about heads. Heads leaving bodies. How can a headless body fold laundry? Aladdin

A legless one does quite well, Mum…

Widow Twankey This isn’t a joke! Aladdin

It sounded like one.

Widow Twankey Did you get caught? Aladdin

Not…caught, exactly.

Widow Twankey Were you seen? Aladdin

The princess saw me, yes.

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Widow Twankey Oh god. I’m going to have a headless son…. ALADDIN can’t get a word in edgeways. Aladdin

Calm down, Mum…

Widow Twankey I’m only going to have three-quarters of a son… Aladdin

Mum, really…

Widow Twankey God, I’m going to have a dead son to try to remember as well as a dead husband! Aladdin

Mum!

Widow Twankey (wails) I need to change my Tena Lady! Long, shocked silence. Aladdin

(in order to break the silence) That reminds me…can I borrow a tenner?

Widow Twankey What on earth for? Aladdin

To see the princess.

Widow Twankey What’s the tenner going to pay for, a false moustache? What are you going to do when you get to the door? Aladdin

I dunno…act…rich?

Widow Twankey Are you mad? The Empress won’t let anyone in there without flashing their platinum card. I’ll have to come with you. Aladdin

What good will that do? Are you going to intoxicate them into not noticing?

Widow Twankey No, you noxious flow of sewage, the Empress and I go way back. Aladdin

You…what?

Widow Twankey We went to charm school together. Aladdin

I suppose you dropped out of that quicker than you can say Shanghai.

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Widow Twankey I don’t have to help you, you know. Aladdin

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Widow Twankey I’m sure you are. Just give me a minute, I’ll put on my best dress. Aladdin

You mean a clean one?

WIDOW TWANKEY bonks ALADDIN with her iron. Blackout. THE IMPERIAL PALACE The EMPRESS OF CHINA is pacing, ABANAZA is sat in a corner. The PRINCESS is checking the mirror, nibbling Mikado biscuits. Empress

Where were you all morning, Ping-Pong?

Princess

I was in the marketplace, mother.

Empress

All morning?

Princess

Yes.

Empress

I do hate that you spend so much time there. Can’t you send a servant? (Gestures) Abanaza would go.

Abanaza

(dry) Undoubtedly, your majesty.

Princess

Looking glamorous takes time, mother. I learned from the best.

Empress

(vain) Yes, I suppose you did. What do you think of my new handbag, Abanaza?

Abanaza

It looks like Wang, your majesty.

Empress

I beg your pardon?

Abanaza

Vera Wang.

Empress

Certainly not. I imported it from Italy. Gucky.

Abanaza

I think you’ll find that’s pronounced Gucci, madam…

Princess

It certainly looks Gucky.

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Empress

What’s the matter with you today? You’ve paid me nowhere near as many compliments as you usually do.

Princess

Sometimes, mother, there just aren’t words.

Empress

Well you should think a bit harder. (to ABANAZA) Has Mikado done that photocopying I needed?

Abanaza

I think she’s still struggling through it, madam.

Empress

Good grief, that woman really takes the biscuit sometimes.

As the EMPRESS speaks, the PRINCESS offers a biscuit. Abanaza

(yelling) Mikado!

Enter MIKADO, hurriedly, dropping flyers. I gave you all that to do hours ago. Mikado

Sorry, Abanaza, I couldn’t reach the paper.

Abanaza

You what?

Mikado

I had to climb right on top of the photocopier!

Princess

(aside) Have you got the gag yet? Or should we keep trying? (picks up a flyer) What is all this anyway? “Wanted, rich princes – no uglies”. Oh, mother…

Empress

Well, Ping-Pong, at this rate you’ll never be married. I’ll have to leave the kingdom to Abanaza.

Abanaza

(with edge) That would be deadly sad.

Empress

How about that Gok Wan? Jeans like that, he must have some dosh.

Princess

He wanted to see my knickers on the first date!

Empress

And he asked me if I look good naked.

Princess

What did you say?

Empress

Find out for yourself, the show’s on Tuesday.

Abanaza

I’m sure the ratings will rocket, madam.

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Empress

You almost sounded like you didn’t mean that.

Abanaza

Oh. Did I not?

A gong is heard offstage. Someone at the door. Mikado, get that. MIKADO hurries off. Princess

Abanaza, you are cruel to her.

Abanaza

Knowing one’s place is crucial to day-to-day existence. You would do well to remember that.

Empress

As would you, Abanaza. You are my vizier, you are here to advise me as my servant. If I wanted cheek I would have had Gok stay the night.

“Fail” sound effect. Princess

Oh. Is that back?

Enter MIKADO with WIDOW TWANKEY and ALADDIN. Mikado

The widow Twankey and her son Aladdin, your majesty.

Empress

Twankey, you old scrubber!

Widow Twankey Audrey, you money-grabbing old hussy! Empress

Hey, less of that. (beat) My name isn’t Audrey anymore.

Widow Twankey Just “money-grabbing old hussy”? Empress

Much better.

They embrace. What brings you here? You and your… She notices ALADDIN with great disapproval. …son. Widow Twankey Well actually, I was wondering if we could talk in private.

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Empress

In private?

WIDOW TWANKEY and the EMPRESS OF CHINA move into a corner and whisper inaudibly, with large gestures. PRINCESS PING-PONG takes ALADDIN by the arm. Princess

Aladdin, what are you doing here? And…is that your mother?

Aladdin

Quite a sight, isn’t she?

Princess

She knows my mother?

Aladdin

Looks like it.

The EMPRESS OF CHINA and WIDOW TWANKEY let out a piercing laugh. Princess

What are you expecting to come of this?

Their conversation is broken by the EMPRESS OF CHINA shouting. Empress

What?! My daughter and your…(suppresses an insult) son?

Princess

Oh no…

Widow Twankey What exactly is wrong with my Aladdin? Aladdin

This isn’t going to be pretty.

Widow Twankey Maybe you should watch what you’re saying. WIDOW TWANKEY swings her handbag, brushing the EMPRESS’. Empress

That’s Gucky!

Abanaza

Gucci!

Widow Twankey Looks like a stuffed rat. Empress

You didn’t!

Hits her back. Abanaza, get my fighting handbag, this could get ugly. Abanaza

Yes, madam.

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ABANAZA exits. WIDOW TWANKEY and the EMPRESS OF CHINA continue their bitch fight, inaudibly and hysterically. Princess

(to ALADDIN) We should get out of here, come on.

She takes ALADDIN by the arm and leads him off. The bitch fight continues into a blackout. THE IMPERIAL GARDENS Princess

Oh I wish our mothers didn’t have to argue so much.

Aladdin

By my mother’s standards, that was a mild disagreement.

Princess

I suppose my mother hasn’t ordered an execution yet. She could be using your mum as a rug by now.

Awkward pause. PRINCESS PING-PONG breaks the silence. You’re mad, you are. Aladdin

Why?

Princess

Coming here, thinking you could persuade my mother.

Aladdin

That’s what I thought my mother could do. Her persuasion could start a civil war.

Princess

Don’t be silly, that doesn’t happen until 1927.

PRINCESS PING-PONG turns to the audience in spotlight. Here in Peking, we take a light-hearted approach to education. Facts, dates and statistics make for a better, happier life. She turns back. ALADDIN looks hurt. Aladdin

You stole my gag.

Princess

I did it better.

Aladdin

Oh no you didn’t.

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Princess

Oh yes I did. Anyway, do you think they’ve finished killing each other yet?

Aladdin

Wait a minute…shouldn’t we be milking the “Oh no you didn’t” line for all it’s worth?

Princess

(checking her script) Nah, we’ll do it after the interval when they’re full of ice cream.

Aladdin

Good plan.

He turns to the audience. She’s so beautiful, isn’t she? Audience response. Should I tell her how I feel? Audience response. Thanks a lot. We have to be out of the theatre by half ten, I’m going to go for it. (to PRINCESS) Princess, I have something to tell you – Princess

(fingers in ears) - No no no, la la la, I’m not listening – I haven’t watched ‘The X Factor’ final yet, it’s still on Sky+.

Aladdin

No, it’s not that!

Princess

Or ‘Strictly’!

Aladdin

Is this why you don’t have any friends?

Princess

Hey. So what is it you want to tell me?

Aladdin

I think I… (clears throat) …I…erm…

He searches the garden for inspiration. This flower – like you…it’s…it’s beautiful, but…but one day it’ll die and erm…no, no that’s not right… Searches again, rambling.

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The sky…the sky’s blue and sometimes it’s clear and sometimes there are clouds, and the clouds…they’re big and they’re fluffy and – Princess

- Are you trying to say I’m fat?

Aladdin

No! No no no.

Princess

Then what on earth are you talking about?

Aladdin

I love you.

Beat. Princess

What?

Aladdin

I’m in love with you.

Princess

Oh, Aladdin, I don’t know what to say…

Aladdin

Say you feel the same!

Princess

But…my mother…you know what she’s like!

Aladdin

If money’s all that matters, I’ll bring you…I’ll bring you all the tea in China!

Princess

How on earth could you afford that?

Aladdin

I’ll find a way! I’ll bring you gold and diamonds and a Gucky wallet –

Princess

- Gucci… -

Aladdin

- Whatever, I’ll do it for you. You have to believe me.

PRINCESS PING-PONG thinks. Then at last she says: Princess

I do believe you.

They sing ‘I Believe In You’, backed by ENSEMBLE. Blackout. WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY The laundry is empty. ABANAZA and MIKADO enter in disguise. Abanaza

Are they back yet? Mikado, check.

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MIKADO turns on the spot. Mikado

I don’t think so, sir.

Abanaza

You’re about as useful as a wooden origami set. Check the whole building.

He acknowledges the audience. Do you think they’ll recognise me? Mikado

(raised eyebrow) No, no-one would ever recognise you.

Abanaza

Check the back.

MIKADO checks the back of ABANAZA’s disguise. Mikado

No, I don’t think they’ll recognise your back.

Abanaza

No you moron, the back of the laundry!

MIKADO exits. I have a cunning plan. Let me tell you a secret. I’m a sorcerer, you see. A potion here, an incantation there: I can make you tell me your darkest secrets. Or, I can make myself invisible. And that’s how I know all about the princess and her silly little dalliances with Aladdin. I cannot let this happen – for I had planned all along to prove to the empress that I am worthy of the princess’ hand. To her that means one thing: money. Money and wealth beyond even my wildest dreams. Where on earth will I find that, you ask? Far from here, there is a cave full of magical things and treasures the like of which you’ve never seen, or even imagined. The treasure alone is enough to convince the empress that I am worthy of the princess’ hand, but I’m not so sure that Princess Ping-Pong will be so easily convinced. However, deep in the cave lies a greater treasure, worthless in value but of immense importance to my plan. It is a lamp; nothing special to look at, but of great power to he who possesses it. And heaven knows I like power. It is said that he who possesses the lamp becomes the master of the most powerful spirit in the world: the genie of the lamp – a being so magical that he will grant you any three wishes you desire. And that is

24

how I will make the princess fall desperately in love with me – the one thing mere sorcery alone cannot achieve! But there is a fault in my plan. I myself cannot enter the cave – for only he who is truly in love may cross its threshold. For years I have been waiting for someone to take advantage of, for I have no need for foolish emotions like love – and this is where that wretched Aladdin will prove useful to me. Enter WIDOW TWANKEY. Widow Twankey A customer waiting in the shop? That’s new. Abanaza

Oh no, I’m not a customer –

Widow Twankey (interrupts) What is it? Undies? Abanaza Widow Twankey Abanaza

What? No – - Come on, let’s see them then. I’m not a customer!

Beat. Widow Twankey Not a customer? Then who are you? Abanaza

I’m your brother in law. My name is (thinks) Imageeza. I don’t think you’ll remember me.

Widow Twankey You’re right there, even my husband is a bit hazy. Abanaza

Would that be anything to do with the bottle in your left hand?

Widow Twankey Brother in law or not, you’ll feel the iron in my right hand with cheek like that. Enter ALADDIN with WISHY and WASHY. Aladdin

Who are you?

Widow Twankey Don’t be rude, that’s your uncle. Apparently. Wishy

Uncle Apparently?

Widow Twankey No, his name is…Yorafleecer?

25

Washy

That was Dad’s name.

Widow Twankey (beat) It was? Aladdin

That’s the first time you’ve got that right in twelve years.

Widow Twankey He only died ten years ago. Wishy/Washy

We know.

Abanaza

No, it’s Imageeza.

Widow Twankey (flirty) Ooh, I can see that. Abanaza

(clearing his throat) Anyway, I appreciate it has been a long time, but there’s something I’ve been meaning to sort out.

Widow Twankey Oh really? An endowment he’s been keeping secret from us? Not that he didn’t keep his endowments secret while we were married… Abanaza

No. This concerns Aladdin.

Wishy/Washy

Aladdin?!

Aladdin

Me?

Abanaza

Yes. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking a walk with me.

Widow Twankey Oh, don’t you want to stay a while? Cup of tea? Cup of coffee? I could show you my holiday snaps? Abanaza

Tempting as that is…this is a particularly pressing matter and we really must press on.

Widow Twankey Oh, I know all about pressing on. Wishy/Washy

Mum!

Abanaza

Come, Aladdin, there is much to discuss.

Aladdin

(unsure) OK…

ABANAZA and ALADDIN exit. Widow Twankey Oh, I’m all steamed up. I think I’ll go lie down.

26

WIDOW TWANKEY exits. Wishy

Dad didn’t have a brother, did he?

Washy

That’s what I was thinking. There’s something not right about that bloke.

MIKADO rushes in. Mikado

Aba –

She notices WISHY and WASHY. - man…that…was here… Erm… Wishy

Who are you?

Mikado

Erm…

Washy

Well?

Wishy

Were you here with that man?

Mikado

Er…yeah. I was just…using the loo.

Washy

The loo’s that way (points in the opposite direction to which MIKADO entered).

Mikado

(beat) I got lost.

Washy

I hope that’s all you did.

Mikado

Did he leave?

Wishy

Yeah, he just went off with Aladdin.

Washy

You can probably catch them up. If he’s our uncle, does that make you our cousin?

Mikado

No, I’m his PA, see? (shows them a badge)

Wishy

His PAC? What does that stand for? Pretty Arm Candy?

Washy

(aside) Smooth, Wishy, well done.

Mikado

Oh, thank you. You’re both quite handsome.

27

WASHY’s facial expression changes. Washy

Thanks. I’m five minutes older, you know.

Wishy

Yeah, well I’m an inch taller.

Washy

Yeah, well -

MIKADO looks awkward. Mikado

- I should be getting back.

Washy

Oh, OK. See you around then.

Mikado

(shy) OK.

MIKADO exits. Long pause. Wishy

You’re too old for her.

Blackout. OUTSIDE THE CAVE ALADDIN and ABANAZA enter. Abanaza

Stop here, Aladdin. We’ve arrived.

Aladdin

Arrived? Arrived where? You’re being very secretive about all this.

Abanaza

When your father died, Aladdin, he left a vast wealth, hidden far from the city.

Aladdin

Dad? Wealthy?

Abanaza

Inside this cave are treasures like nothing you’ve ever seen before.

Aladdin

Treasures?

Abanaza

Yes, and they’re all yours.

Aladdin

Mine? Well, why haven’t I seen them before?

Abanaza

Because when your father died, he told me that you were too young and immature to be given riches like these. He said you would fritter it away in a year. He wanted to

28

wait until you were older and more mature. So he told me that once you fell in love, you would be ready. Aladdin

How do you know I’m in love?

Abanaza

I’ve been keeping an eye on you, Aladdin. Someone at the palace told me that your mother came to ask the empress for the princess’ hand. If that’s not proof that you’re in love, I don’t know what is. So now you’re ready to claim what is rightfully yours – and all I need you to do is find one thing for me.

Aladdin

What’s that?

Abanaza

Deep in the cave there is a lamp. An old, rusty oil lamp. Bring it to me.

Aladdin

What do you want that for?

Abanaza

It was your father’s. And our father’s before him. I would like very much for it to be returned to the family, so my children can have something of his.

Aladdin

Alright. But don’t you want a share of the treasure?

Abanaza

That is up to you, Aladdin. I was never as rich as your father, you know. My children wear rags, we eat nothing but rice. But I suppose you cannot miss what you’ve never had.

Aladdin

We can’t have that. You must have a share. Twenty percent.

Abanaza

No, I couldn’t possibly – twenty five.

Aladdin

Deal.

They shake hands. Grudgingly, but for the sake of keeping up the pretence, ABANAZA hugs him. Abanaza

You are very generous. Now, off you go, before we run out of light.

Aladdin

Aren’t you coming?

Abanaza

I cannot, for reasons you wouldn’t understand. I am sure you have the courage to go in alone.

29

He produces a vial and throws down a powder. The cave opens. ALADDIN jumps back, scared. Don’t be afraid. Aladdin

Will you keep the cave open?

Abanaza

I promise I will. Take this ring. It will protect you. (ABANAZA gives ALADDIN a ring from his finger) Now go, and soon we will both be richer than we have ever been.

ABANAZA sings ‘Money Money Money’. ALADDIN is locked in the cave. Blackout. End of act.

30

ACT II INSIDE THE CAVE ALADDIN is locked inside the cave, which is full of riches. He is panicking and trying to find a way out. Aladdin

I can’t get out. Help, someone, please!

He falls to his knees, and takes off the ring ABANAZA gave him. What’s this he gave me? Smoke FX, the SLAVE OF THE RING appears. (startled) Who are you? Slave of the Ring I am the Slave of the Ring. Aladdin

Slave of the what?

Slave of the Ring The ring. On your finger. I presumed you wanted something. Aladdin

What do you mean?

Slave of the Ring Anything you need help with, ask me. Aladdin

Anything?

Slave of the Ring Most things. Aladdin

But how? That’s not possible.

Slave of the Ring Simple. Magic. Aladdin

Magic?

Leads into ‘A Kind Of Magic’, sung by ALADDIN and SLAVE OF THE RING. ALADDIN collects treasure and finds the lamp at the back of the cave. This is it. This is what he wanted. But…I don’t know how to get out of here. As ALADDIN complains, the SLAVE OF THE RING tries to interject – she can help, but ALADDIN doesn’t give her the chance.

31

I’m supposed to be getting all this treasure out, and I can’t even see an exit. Maybe if I get a big rock…or… maybe I could light a fire? I don’t even have anything to put the treasure in! He should have given me a bag or something. Or a…cart, or, I don’t know. What does he think I’m going to use? Magic? The SLAVE OF THE RING coughs loudly. (turns to SOTR) That’s a nasty cough. The SLAVE OF THE RING clasps her head in her hands. Headache? You haven’t got swine flu, have you? Slave of the Ring No I haven’t got swine flu, Aladdin, I’m magic! And if I did have swine flu I’d magic it away, because I’m magic! Aladdin

Hey…you’re magic! Can you get me out of here?

Slave of the Ring I’m not sure I want to now. Aladdin

(grovelling) Oh please. You proved you were magic when you sang so beautifully.

Slave of the Ring (beat) I did sing beautifully, didn’t I? Aladdin

Oh yes. The most beautifullest I ever heard.

Slave of the Ring OK. I’ll get you out. The SLAVE OF THE RING snaps her fingers. The cave “dissolves” away around them, leaving them in… WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY Aladdin

You brought me home! And with all the treasure! How did you know…?

Slave of the Ring I. Am. Magic! Jeez… (she produces a dictionary and reads:) “Magic. Noun. One. Supposed art of invoking supernatural powers. Two. Mysterious quality or power. Adjective. Of, using, or like, magic.” Aladdin

You seem tense…

The SLAVE OF THE RING throws her dictionary at ALADDIN. WIDOW TWANKEY enters with half a facial on.

32

Widow Twankey What’s all this racket? You’re interrupting my beauty sleep. Aladdin, is that you? What’s all this? Aladdin

Mum! Look! Our problems! They’re all solved!

Widow Twankey You’ve got me an AA leafl- (she notices the mounds of treasure) Oh my… oh my… I need to sit down Aladdin

Isn’t it amazing! I knew we should have always trusted that Imageeza! And all he asked for was this. (he picks up the lamp) Though what he wanted with this old tatty thing…

Widow Twankey We old, tatty things have many uses! Aladdin

Yeah but… look at it. At least you have make-up! (he tries to ignore the evil look he receives from WIDOW TWANKEY) I mean it’s… (he begins to rub it) it’s useless!

As he continues to rub it the GENIE OF THE LAMP appears. Genie

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, did you hear the one about the insomniac, atheist, dyslexic? Spent the whole night awake wondering if there really is a dog… (beat) Oooh…tough crowd

Aladdin

Erm…excuse me…who are you?

Genie

Oh how rude of me, I’m the genie of the lamp!

Aladdin

But how did you get here?

Genie

Simple, by magic!

Aladdin

I’m getting a strong sense of déjà vu here…

Genie

Look it’s really quite simple

The opening bars to ‘A Kind Of Magic’ sound again and the GENIE revs up as if to sing but he’s stopped by the SLAVE OF THE RING signalling to the technicians. Slave of the Ring Excuse me… I think you’ll find that that was my number. And I did it very well already. Genie

(flirty) Hello, lovely lady!

33

Slave of the Ring Get lost. Genie

Feisty. I like.

Widow Twankey Is it me or has my launderette turned into Piccadilly Circus? Genie

Or ‘Blind Date’…

Slave of the Ring Yuck. The GENIE adopts different voices. Genie

I can be suave?

Slave of the Ring No thanks. Genie

Smooth?

Slave of the Ring Meh. Genie

I can be cool? How you doin’…

Slave of the Ring Be still my beating heart! Genie

Really?

Slave of the Ring No. Genie

(to ALADDIN) I can try, can’t I?

Aladdin

Uh…

Widow Twankey Is anyone going to explain to me what’s going on here? Aladdin

Well, that uncle guy took me to a cave, miles and miles away. He told me there was treasure in it and that it all belonged to Dad, and that he wanted me to have it. And then he said there was an old lamp that used to belong to Dad as well, and that he wanted me to bring that to him.

Widow Twankey This lamp? (picking it up) Aladdin

Yeah.

34

Widow Twankey Your father never had a lamp like that. I don’t remember his name, but I know for sure that I wouldn’t have anything this tacky in my home. Genie

Do you mind? Useless and tacky in the same scene!

Aladdin

She’s just being friendly.

WISHY and WASHY burst in. Wishy/Washy

Aladdin Aladdin Aladdin!

Wishy

Aladdin, are you back?

Aladdin

(sarcastic) No, Wishy.

Wishy

Oh. Well, when do you think you will be?

Washy

Wishy… he was being sarcastic…

Wishy

...Oh

Aladdin

What do you want anyway?

Wishy

(picking up a handful of “coins” and playing with them) I just wondered if you’d got back from your trip to make the family rich.

Washy

(despairing) How am I related to him?

Wishy

What?

They all point to the treasure. WISHY double-takes. When did that get here? Aladdin

About two minutes before you turned up.

Washy

How did that get here?

Slave of the Ring I’m magic, dammit! Beat, she collects herself. Sorry. Been a long day. Aladdin

So…let me get this straight. We’ve got…a Slave of the Ring? And a Genie of the Lamp?

35

Slave of the Ring Yes, and I have a feeling I’m about to be upstaged. Widow Twankey What’s the difference? Besides dress sense. Genie

Well, while the Slave of the Ring here can only help you, I can grant wishes.

Aladdin

Wishes?

Widow Twankey Wishes? Wishy/Washy

Wishes?

Slave of the Ring (begrudgingly) Wishes. Aladdin

Anything I want?

Genie

Anything you want. But only three.

Aladdin

Three?

Genie

Three wishes.

Widow Twankey Only three? Genie

In my experience, that’s plenty. Like the bloke who wished for fame, money and a more attractive partner.

Aladdin

Did it work?

Genie

Sure it did, how do you think Ant and Dec ended up together? Shame it didn’t work for Richard Madeley.

Wishy

(to GENIE) I want a Big Mac!

Washy

What?

Genie

A Big Mac?

Aladdin

No!

Genie

Your wish is my command.

Puff of smoke, someone enters carrying a Big Mac and hands it to WISHY. Wishy

If you’re so magic you could have at least included some fries and a coke.

36

Genie

You have to be specific!

Wishy

Well you didn’t tell us that.

Genie

I never said that I have to be specific.

Washy

(to SOTR) So what about you? How do you work?

Slave of the Ring How do I work?! I’m not an alarm clock! Washy

No I meant…how do we use you?

Slave of the Ring Oh…so I’m being used now. Well that’s just wonderful… Washy

How are…your…magical powers harnessed.

Slave of the Ring Oh I see… Well, there’s no limitations with me really. You just need to say what it is you need to know or have or do… Washy

And you’ll do it?

Slave of the Ring Just like that. Wishy

In which case, we need to know that Imageeza bloke really is.

Widow Twankey What? That dashing brother in law of mine? Don’t be silly he’s exactly who he says he iAt this point, WISHY, WASHY and the SLAVE OF THE RING all point to the back of the stage where a picture of ABANAZA in his normal garb is projected. That conniving little weasel! I’ll have his guts for garters… Genie

I’m not sure his guts are that big.

WIDOW TWANKEY goes to bonk the genie with her iron but it stops before hitting him. You can’t beat me up. WIDOW TWANKEY tries again but to no avail. The GENIE evades her. Magical beings are protected by…well magic…

37

Widow Twankey You’ll need more than magic if I ever get a hold of you. I can’t believe that snide little weasel managed to con us… Wishy

Did you promise anything to Abanaza, Aladdin?

Aladdin

Erm…the lamp…and twenty five percent of the treasure. That rotten man. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. Why do you ask anyway?

Washy

Are you thinking what I’m thinking bro?

Wishy

I think I might be.

Washy

We have a plan. It might take a while though.

Wishy

And we’re going to need all of you…

Genie

(to SLAVE OF THE RING) You hear that? Looks like we’re going to be spending a lot more time together.

Slave of the Ring Deep… deep… joy. Blackout. THE IMPERIAL PALACE Captain

The widow Twankey and her sons your majesty.

Empress

Where’s Mikado? Where’s Abanaza?

Captain

I don’t know, your majesty, I haven’t seen them for a while.

WIDOW TWANKEY and ALADDIN enter. Princess

What are you doing here? What’s going on?

Empress

Oh no, no no no, you can just turn around and go –

WISHY and WASHY enter, laden with treasure. - Aladdin! I always knew you were the perfect suitor! Princess Empress

But Mum, I’m sure you said he was a no good – - Perfect suitor.

38

The EMPRESS happily inspects the treasure, giggling in delight. ALADDIN crosses to the PRINCESS. Princess

You did it! Aladdin, I can’t believe it.

Aladdin

I told you that you could believe in me. It’s not all the tea in China…

Princess

No, but it’s just as good.

The EMPRESS interrupts: Empress

Personally, I think it’s better.

Widow Twankey Well I’m glad we’ve found something we can both agree on Empress

I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. I’ve always known how right Aladdin was for the Princess. I just needed him to…erm…prove it…that he was right for my beautiful offspring.

A chorus of sarcastic “uh-huh”s. What?! She is ignored. Princess

I don’t know how you did it Aladdin, but I’m so happy you did.

Aladdin

I can try to explain if you like.

Princess

You don’t have to.

Aladdin

Thank goodness for that. I’m sure the audience are bored of that story by now…

Empress

Right, well it looks like we have a wedding to plan!

Princess

A wedding?

Aladdin

A wedding?!

Widow Twankey I love weddings! Empress

Yes, dear, a whole day all about you for once!

39

Widow Twankey I don’t love weddings… Aladdin

How do you feel about it, Ping-Pong?

Princess

I… Oh I can’t put into words, you’ve made me feel like… a million dollars!

Leads into ‘Million Dollar Bill’. Blackout. ALADDIN’S PALACE Widow Twankey Oh I love what you’ve done with the place Aladdin. She notices the lamp, which is prominently placed on a table. Princess

It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I can’t imagine how he did it.

Aladdin

And she doesn’t want to know.

WIDOW TWANKEY takes the hint and puts the lamp down. Princess

I don’t know why you keep that old lamp, Aladdin.

Aladdin

I just like it, is all.

Widow Twankey What’s upstairs anyway? Aladdin

Hundred grand chandelier?

Widow Twankey Meh… Aladdin

Gold plated bathtub?

Widow Twankey Not bad… Aladdin

Walk-in wardrobe?

Widow Twankey Lead the way She practically rugby tackles ALADDIN towards the wings. Princess

(picking up the lamp) I really don’t know what he sees in this old thing…when the rest of the décor’s so beautiful this is just so…tacky…

Enter ABANAZA in disguise. Abanaza

New lamps for old, new lamps for old!

40

Princess

That’s…worryingly convenient.

Abanaza

I’d say it was wonderfully ironic.

Princess

Have I seen you before? You look familiar?

Abanaza

Me? Er, no, I, er, can’t imagine why.

He turns to the audience and gestures for them to be quiet. Princess

New lamps for old, you say?

Abanaza

That’s right. I’ll take your old lamps and exchange them for shiny new ones. How about this beautiful paper lantern? Or an electric one, all the rage in the twentyfirst century!

Princess

How can you make a living swapping new lamps for old?

Abanaza

Well, the price of gold is currently at an all-time high. Lamps4Old take your old lamps and –

Princess

- OK, I get the picture. I hate those adverts.

Abanaza

Well, how about that old thing over there, that looks like it’s seen better days.

WIDOW TWANKEY shouts from the wings. Widow Twankey Hey! Beat. PRINCESS PING-PONG picks up the lamp. Princess

This? This is my husband’s. I shouldn’t really…

Abanaza

A tatty old thing like that? Wouldn’t he just love something new to come home to, like this?

Princess

That is very nice. Should I boys and girls?

Audience response. ABANAZA tries to silence them. OK, but I want that one too. Abanaza

Certainly!

41

They exchange lamps. ABANAZA laughs manically. PRINCESS PING-PONG gasps in realisation. Princess

Abanaza! It’s you!

Abanaza

Yes, my dear, and now at last I have control of the genie of the lamp!

Princess

What?

Abanaza

Oh you poor innocent child. Why don’t we find out how Aladdin really got you these beautiful things, this beautiful palace, this perfect little marriage?

He rubs the lamp, the GENIE OF THE LAMP appears. Genie

Aladdin, hey! Wait…you’re…not…

Abanaza

Damn right I’m not!

Princess

Who are you, what’s going on?

Abanaza

This, princess, is how your precious Aladdin made himself such a lucky young prince! He stole, from my secret treasure trove, this lamp you so readily gave away – inside it a being powerful enough to grant all his foolish whims!

Princess

Aladdin wouldn’t steal anything!

Abanaza

I assure you he did, and now the lamp is mine, I will steal everything back from him – starting with you! Genie, my first wish – you will transport the princess and I to my lair far away from here, where no-one will ever find us – least of all your darling Aladdin!

ABANAZA laughs as the PRINCESS screams in terror and they disappear. MARKETPLACE IN PEKING ALADDIN, WIDOW TWANKEY, WISHY, WASHY, the SLAVE OF THE RING and the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS enter, searching for the PRINCESS, asking townspeople if they have seen her. Aladdin

Has anybody seen the princess?

Wishy

Aladdin, it’s no use, nobody’s seen the princess.

42

Washy

You’re not allowed to see the princess!

Wishy

We told you that in act one.

Washy

But did you listen?

Wishy/Washy

No!

Aladdin

Yes, but did you notice that I am married to her now? That wouldn’t have happened if I’d followed your advice, would it?

Widow Twankey Married? You don’t even know where your own wife is! Aladdin

Well you can’t even remember your husband’s name!

Beat. Widow Twankey Touché. Aladdin

I don’t know where she could possibly be. I’ve looked everywhere! Do you think I’ve done something wrong? Oh I can’t bear the thought that I’ve lost her!

Slave of the Ring Is it just me that really thinks that they’ve all missed a trick here?! Aladdin

What was that?

Slave of the Ring Oh nothing, I was just magically admiring and magically preserving my magically magical magic. Widow Twankey Try saying that when you’ve had a few… Beat. All

Wait, you’re magic!

Slave of the Ring When you lot were given brains, were you at the back of the queue or did you just turn up on a bank holiday? Washy

Well why didn’t you say something?

Slave of the Ring Well why didn’t you ask? Widow Twankey This is getting us nowhere. Do you know where she is or not?

43

Slave of the Ring Of course I do. Aladdin

Do you feel like telling us?

Slave of the Ring Ask me properly. Widow Twankey (with edge) Slave of the Ring, darling, sweetheart, oh magical one that I view on a par with the apples of my own eye, could you pretty pretty please, with icing and a cherry on the top, could you show us where the Princess is? Slave of the Ring There was no need to be quite so…sickly about it. WIDOW TWANKEY raises her eyebrow. Well, yeah maybe. A chorus of “uh-huh”s. WIDOW TWANKEY sighs, and the SLAVE OF THE RING goes into a bizarre trance, eventually emerging from it acting like nothing happened. She’s greeted by everyone else in various states of shock and confusion. What?! Beat. ALADDIN awkwardly breaks the silence. Aladdin

So…do you know where she is?

Slave of the Ring Yeah. She’s in Abanaza’s lair. With the Genie. They’re sitting down to dinner as we speak. Chicken chow mein by the looks of it… Wishy

Oooh, my favourite!

He gets glared at from all angles. Aladdin

Well what are we going to do?

Washy

Looks like we might have to bring our plan into action sooner than we thought, bro.

Wishy

How has kidnapping Angelina Jolie got anything to do with this?

Washy

(embarrassed) Not that plan…

44

Wishy

Oh…oh! You mean the one about how to get revenge on Abanaza?

Washy

Yes, Wishy.

Widow Twankey This is the second time you’ve brought this plan up and not bothered explaining it to us. Aladdin

Is it going to get my Ping-Pong back to me?

Wishy

If it works.

Washy

Of course it’ll work. It’s my plan.

Wishy

It’s my plan.

Washy

How is it your plan?

Wishy

I said we should have a plan.

Washy

And I came up with the plan…

Wishy

Yeah, you came up with my plan!

Slave of the Ring Can I interject? She takes WIDOW TWANKEY’s iron and bonks them both. Wishy/Washy

Ow.

Widow Twankey Nice technique. Slave of the Ring Thank you. Anyway, are you going to tell us this plan or are we going to stand around loitering in the marketplace? Aladdin

Can you lead us to the princess?

Slave of the Ring Of course I can. Washy

And we’ll tell you the plan on the way.

WASHY looks at WISHY, beat. I’ll tell you the plan on the way. Slave of the Ring Let’s go then.

45

They all start wandering off in separate directions. SLAVE OF THE RING waits SL, watching them despairingly. Slowly they all double-take and sheepishly follow her off SL. ABANAZA’S LAIR From separate entrances (SL, SR and aisle), WIDOW TWANKEY, ALADDIN and the SLAVE OF THE RING creep in backwards to comedy music. They do not see each other at first. They jump when they bump into each other. Aladdin

It’s gloomy in here, isn’t it?

Widow Twankey The décor leaves something to be desired. Aladdin

Where did Wishy and Washy get to?

Enter a panto horse: WISHY and WASHY in disguise. Widow Twankey My my, where did that come from? The HORSE approaches her, she makes to touch it. And I must say I have some experience of fine stalli – WIDOW TWANKEY screams as the horse’s head comes off to reveal WASHY. Washy

Hi Mum!

Widow Twankey My heart, my heart… She hyperventilates for a while. A muffled voice comes from the back end of the horse. Wishy

Why did I have to be the back end?

Aladdin

You’re hardly the brains of the outfit.

They emerge from the costume. Wishy

I wouldn’t have minded, but he had beans on toast this morning and it’s like farts in a can in there.

Widow Twankey This is your cunning plan? Washy

You don’t have to say it like that. It’s simple enough for him to understand.

Wishy

He’s so mean to me.

46

Slave of the Ring So let me get this straight. You’re going to sneak right up to Abanaza’s door? Washy

Yes.

Aladdin

Pretend to be a real horse?

Wishy

Yes.

Widow Twankey Go right inside? Washy

Yep.

Slave of the Ring Find the lamp? Wishy

Uh-huh.

Aladdin

And steal it back.

Wishy/Washy

In a nutshell.

Widow Twankey This is flawed in so many ways… Washy

Yeah, but it’s a pantomime.

Wishy

We’re hardly going for realism.

Aladdin

Just as well with that costume.

They all sit on a bench. A chill in the air. Wishy

It’s creepy here.

Washy

Yeah. I’m all jumpy in my tummy.

Aladdin

We need to cheer ourselves up somehow.

Slave of the Ring How? Beat. Widow Twankey I know! Wishy/Washy

What?

Widow Twankey We should have a singsong!

47

Slave of the Ring (to audience) Don’t you think they’ve suffered enough? Widow Twankey Rubbish, they can sing along too! Words to ‘Row Your Boat’ are projected. They repeat the verse several times. One by one they are each scared from the bench by a GHOST who appears from the wings and disappears again, unseen by the other characters. Eventually WIDOW TWANKEY is left alone with the GHOST. She realises that nobody’s there with her anymore. She looks towards SR and the ghost moves over to SL. She looks towards SL and the ghost moves over to SR. Widow Twankey Where’s everyone gone? (to audience) Do you know? Audience response A ghost? Don’t be silly! If there’s a ghost then why can’t I see it? Where is it? Audience response of “it’s behind you”. She looks around and the GHOST runs a circle around her so that by the time she turns back round it’s behind her once more. Well I can’t see it. Where is it? Audience response of “it’s behind you” again. She looks around again and the GHOST evades her. You’re just playing tricks on old Widow Twankey now. I bet Wishy and Washy put you up to this! Didn’t I tell you they would? You wait until I see them. There’s not really anything there is there? Audience response. Oh no there isn’t! Audience response, milked. Eventually the GHOST creeps up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. (to GHOST) Do you mind I’m tryiBeat. Aaaagh! She runs off, hotly pursued by the GHOST.

48

ABANAZA and MIKADO enter to booing. Abanaza

Somebody’s here, I swear. Mikado, check!

MIKADO pulls out a chequebook. Mikado, I’m warning you! Check the room! (calls offstage) Oh princess, my sweet… PRINCESS PING-PONG enters, wearing rags and looking downtrodden. Is my dinner ready yet? Princess

Not yet.

Abanaza

Not yet what?

Princess

Not yet, Abanaza.

Abanaza

What’s taking so long?

Princess

The chip pan’s not working. The genie tried to reheat his Big Mac but left it in the packaging.

Abanaza

Oh, well bake some potatoes.

Princess

(aside) Go boil your head.

Abanaza

What?

Princess

I said I’ll boil some instead.

Mikado

I can’t see anyone, Abanaza.

Abanaza

There had better not be. Any more slip-ups from you and you’re fired.

Mikado

(aside) I wish I was never hired, you insufferable creep.

Abanaza

What?

Mikado

I said you look quite tired, why don’t you go sleep?

Abanaza

(beat) You might be right, actually. I’ll lie down for a while. Woe betide you, Princess, if my dinner isn’t waiting for me when I’m up.

ABANAZA exits.

49

Mikado

I’m so sick of him.

Princess

(sarcastic) Yeah, well I’m having a barrel of laughs.

Mikado

Sorry.

Princess

As if you’re sorry. You’re Abanaza’s little stooge. I bet you’re loving this.

Mikado

No! Really. I work for him. But I hate it. I hate what he’s doing. I hate what he’s done to you.

Princess

Really?

Mikado

Really. I wish there was something I could do.

There comes a knock from offstage. I wish there was something we could do. The knock comes again, more insistent. But I don’t know what. Banging from offstage. Princess

Can’t you hear that?

Mikado

Hear what?

Washy

(offstage) There’s a doorbell!

Wishy

(offstage) Oh!

Doorbell. Mikado

Oh. Door.

Princess

You get that. I have to make Abanaza’s dinner.

PRINCESS PING-PONG exits. MIKADO goes to the door and, perplexed, brings in a horse (WISHY and WASHY in disguise). There is a note around its neck, which MIKADO reads. Mikado

It’s for Abanaza. He’ll want to read this. Abanaza! (beat) What a lovely horse. I wonder if I could ride it.

50

A voice from inside the horse: Washy

You’ll rue the day!

Mikado

Huh?

Panicked murmuring inside the horse, followed by: Wishy/Washy

Neeigh!

ABANAZA enters. Abanaza

What is it? This had better be important, I was just getting to sleep with my ted-uh… Terr…ible…plans…

Mikado

Nice and fluffy for you, are they?

Abanaza

Shut up, you. What do you want? (sees the horse) What’s that horse doing here?

Mikado

It’s for you, look.

ABANAZA takes the note and reads. Abanaza

“Abanaza, I saw this and thought of you. I know you’ve always admired horses, as you feel that their unrivalled grace and undwindling power was the nearest match to your own, and so to thank you for your years of service and companionship, I felt it was time you had your own companion too. With my best wishes, as always, Audrey.” I always knew she cared. Wait, there’s more… “P.S. this horse has had a very long trip to get to you. On arrival, please feed it generously.” Well that’s easy enough. I’m pretty sure I have some straw bagged up out the back. I’ll go and fetch it. What’s your name anyway? (he reads the name badge around its neck) Trojan…I’m sure that ought to tell me something… oh well…

ABANAZA exits in one direction as the PRINCESS re-enters from the other direction with dinner on a tray. Princess

What a beautiful horse!

WISHY AND WASHY take the costume off and wander towards the princess. Maybe not…what are you two doing here?!

51

Washy

We’ve come to rescue you

Wishy

It was my plan!

Washy

Don’t start that again…

Wishy

(to MIKADO) And as for you!

MIKADO looks sheepish. Washy

We thought you were on our side

Princess

She is! She doesn’t want to be here any more than I do. But it’s all she knows. We need to get her out of here too!

Wishy

Why should we trust her?

Washy

Yeah, she’s already tricked us once before.

Wishy

She said I was handsome!

Washy

She said we were handsome.

Mikado

I did mean it! I hated tricking you. You shouldn’t judge people based on who they hang around with.

Princess

Otherwise we’d think you two are like your mother.

Wishy

I suppose.

Washy

But still. How do we know we can trust her?

Beat. Is that Abanaza’s dinner? Princess

Yes. Why?

Washy

Because we were planning on putting this (he produces a bottle) in his food.

Wishy

But if you’re so trustworthy…

Washy

And on our side…

Wishy/Washy

You can do it.

52

Mikado

But…won’t it hurt him?

Wishy

See, she’s backtracking already!

Princess

Give her a chance!

Mikado

I hate him, I really do. But I don’t want to hurt him.

Washy

It won’t hurt him. It’s just a sleeping potion. Enough to knock him out for long enough to escape.

Wishy

It cost us a whole months’ pocket money! So you better not waste it!

Mikado

OK…I’ll do it.

She opens the bottle and pours the contents over ABANAZA’s dinner. Wishy

You are now -

Washy

- Officially -

Wishy/Washy Washy

- One of the team! Now quickly, we’d better scarper!

They make to leave. Enter ABANAZA. Abanaza

Where the heck do you think you’re going? And where’s my beautiful horse?

He sees the abandoned horse costume. What in the name of egg-fried rice?! (beat, realisation) You two! Aladdin’s halfwit brothers! How in the name of yin and yang did you get here? Washy

Halfwits? Us?

Wishy

You fell for a horse costume. Called “Trojan”.

Beat. Abanaza

(meek) …I wanted a horse. I mean, (recovers, yells in anger) You will pay for this! Is Aladdin here too? And your smutty mother?

Wishy

Not telling.

53

Abanaza

Don’t test me, boy…

PRINCESS PING-PONG interjects with the dinner. Princess

Abanaza, why don’t you eat something before you pick a fight? Get your energy up.

Abanaza

Ping-Pong, can’t you see I’m –

Mikado

- Yes, Abanaza, you really should eat something.

Princess

I made your favourite. Boiled potatoes…

Abanaza

On their own?

Mikado

Full of carbs.

Princess

Keep you going.

Abanaza

O…K…

He picks up one potato and eats it. Not bad…bit cold…bit salty… He begins to ramble, becoming more and more delirious until finally he passes out on the bench. Wishy/Washy

Yes!

Princess

It worked!

Mikado

Now what?

WIDOW TWANKEY and ALADDIN enter. Widow Twankey Did it work? Is he intoxicated? She sees ABANAZA passed out. This brings back memories… Wishy

We don’t want to know.

Aladdin

Ping-Pong!

54

Princess

Aladdin!

They embrace. Aladdin

Quick, where does Abanaza keep my lamp?

Princess

It’s in his cloak, he never lets it out of his sight. Oh Aladdin, I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know…

Aladdin

I know you didn’t, it’s alright, I should have told you. I only hope you can still love me now you know the truth.

Princess

Of course I do, Aladdin, I’ll always love you.

They embrace again. Widow Twankey Get a room. Wishy/Washy

Get the lamp!

Mikado

I’ll get it.

Aladdin

Don’t you work for Abanaza?

Widow Twankey Why would you want to help us? Princess

It’s OK, she’s on our side now.

Mikado

Besides, I was kind of hoping…

Widow Twankey

- What?

Mikado

That maybe I could spend some more time with Wishy and Washy?

Wishy/Washy

Us?

Widow Twankey Them? Aladdin

Really?

Widow Twankey My horrid sons? Karma must really be shining on them lately, first Aladdin Princess

- The lamp! Before he wakes up!

55

MIKADO creeps up to ABANAZA. He stirs as she reaches him. This happens three times, each time he murmurs a word (at random) in his sleep, before MIKADO pulls the lamp from his robe and he wakes. He cries out and tries to give chase, but is too drowsy to get to his feet. The lamp is hastily passed to ALADDIN. Princess

Quick!

ALADDIN rubs the lamp, the GENIE appears. Genie

Aladdin! Hey, great to see you. Did I ever tell you about the Englishman, the Scotsman and the Irishman…

Aladdin

- We haven’t got time! Quick! Take us all back to the laundry!

Genie

Sure?

ABANAZA is growing more and more conscious. Aladdin

Quick! Now.

Genie

OK…

The setting dissolves away to leave them all in: WIDOW TWANKEY’S LAUNDRY Widow Twankey Ah, there’s no place like home. Aladdin

We did it! We -

They all notice ABANAZA who is now standing, entirely stably and looking very menacing. What’s he doing here?! Genie? Genie

I did tell you before, you have to be specific!

Princess

Does common sense not come into it anywhere with you spirits? You’re meant to be magic!

Enter SLAVE OF THE RING. Slave of the Ring I heard that! Widow Twankey Where did you come from?

56

Aladdin

Sorry, I’ve taken to rubbing my ring when I’m nervous…

Abanaza

You’re damn right to be nervous! I’m going to make you rue the day you were born!

Mikado

Abanaza!

Abanaza

(turning) What?!

She heaves a box of laundry detergent at him. He sneezes. WIDOW TWANKEY cottons on. Widow Twankey Abanaza! Abanaza

(turning again) What?!

She throws water over him. Bubble SFX. No! I feel…clean! No! No! He runs offstage. PRINCESS PING-PONG follows. Crashing is heard, followed by the sound of a washing machine. The PRINCESS returns looking proud of herself. Aladdin

What happened?

Princess

I pushed him in the washing machine!

WISHY gasps. Washy

Ping-Pong. You’ve got balls.

“Fail” sound effect. Everyone groans. Widow Twankey Even I can’t steal all the attention here. I think three cheers for Princess Ping-Pong. Hip-hip… Audience response. Spotlight, WIDOW TWANKEY steps forward. And remember, we here in Peking frown on all kinds of violence, bullying and tomfoolery – Aladdin

- Mum, don’t bother.

57

Slave of the Ring It’s not going to work. We told them about the alcohol in act one and they still all went to the bar. “Bing” sound effect. The washing machine stops. ABANAZA enters in his Imageeza guise. Abanaza

Who am I? Where am I? What’s…going on?

Mikado

Abanaza?

Abanaza

A banana? No thanks, don’t like bananas.

Slave of the Ring Do you…really not remember who you are? Widow Twankey Oho! Is my strapping brother-in-law here to stay? Abanaza

I… What…?

The EMPRESS OF CHINA enters with the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS. Empress

Twankey! Have you seen Abanaza? I can’t find him anywhere, I’ve got about twelve sudoku puzzles for him to solve.

Wishy

He’s over th –

WASHY clasps his hand over WISHY’s mouth. Genie

As a matter of fact, we found out he was up to some pretty nasty business.

Empress

Nasty business? Abanaza?

Widow Twankey Yes, but it’s all…come out in the wash. Empress

Oh. Well, does this mean I’m going to need a new vizier? (thinks) Mikado! Would you like the job?

Mikado

Me? Really?

Empress

Sure. You’re the only one who knows how to work the photocopier now.

Princess

(aside) We really hope you’ve got the gag.

Mikado

I’d love to, your majesty. But…

Empress

But?

58

Mikado

Can Wishy and Washy have a job too?

Empress

Them two?

Widow Twankey They work here! Mikado

I just think they deserve more.

Widow Twankey Well. I suppose they all have to fly the nest eventually. Abanaza

Well I’m pretty handy with the washing machine.

Slave of the Ring Oh, if only you knew. Empress

I’m sure we can find something for them to do.

Mikado

Thank you!

Wishy/Washy

Yes!

WISHY and WASHY high-five. Princess

Looks like everyone’s happy now.

Aladdin

But no-one’s as happy as me, Ping-Pong.

The other characters react with a mixture of disgust and happiness, except the GENIE, who seems a little down. ALADDIN and the PRINCESS notice this. Aladdin

What’s the matter Genie? You look sad.

Genie

I am.

Princess

Is there anything we can do?

Slave of the Ring If I might interject…I think I have an idea. They all turn to look at her. Slave of the Ring Genie, I wish…that you free yourself from the lamp. Beat. Genie

You’d do that for me?

Slave of the Ring Don’t question it or I’ll take it back.

59

Genie

OK, OK!

FX, the GENIE is freed. I’m…free. I’m free! Oh Slave of the Ring! Is there anything I can do to repay you? Slave of the Ring Can you lavish attention on a beautiful, talented young woman? Genie

Of course I can. If you show me one.

The SLAVE OF THE RING glares. It was a joke! A joke! Of course I can. So what are we? Like…spirit husband and wife? Slave of the Ring Steady on, how about magic’ing me up some dinner first? Genie

One Big Mac, coming up!

Slave of the Ring You have much to learn. Empress

He really does.

Aladdin

Now everyone’s happy. I have my beautiful wife!

Princess

I have my beautiful husband.

Genie

I have my beautiful freedom.

Empress

And I’m still rich.

Widow Twankey I don’t know about you lot, but I think this calls for a party. Come on guys, free bar back here! It’s been calling to me for far too long… Various exclamations of pleasure at this prospect. They all exit, leading into the finale and ‘Love At First Sight’. Curtain call.