Thought Of The Day

Courtesy of TFTD list-serve by Dan Galvin TFTD for 1996 TFTD for 1997 No man knows his true character until he has: run out of gas, purchased something on the installment plan, and raised an adolescent. -Mercelene Cox An adolescent is a youth old enough to dress himself.... if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes. Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. -Mary Ellen Kelly "Sexist expression. Avoid using Dame except as a British title" - Microsoft Word, when asked to check the grammar of "I graduated from the University of Notre Dame." -September 1995 Discovery (adapted) Submitted by Nandakumar Sankaran I used to think I was indecisivebut now I am not so sure. -Paul Elliott Some people are too bigSome people are too smallSome people are just right....But they talk too much. -Grandmother Lisenbee By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch. -Unix Fortune File The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. -- H. L. Mencken "The first step is the hardest." Marie Marquise du Deffand

(Said to Cardinal de Polignac, when the Cardinal told her that St. Denis, after being decapitated, had picked up his head and carried it two leagues.) (Ah, Monseigneur, je croirais que dans une telle situation _il n'y a que le premier pas qui coute_.' - 'Hey Bubba, when you are in a fix like that _it is only the first step that is difficult_.') "I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one." -- James Gordon Bennett The more he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) Rand Lindsly's HUGE Quotations File Taking reservations for eternity: Smoking or Non-smoking -Church Sign Board They laughed at Edison and Einstein, but somehow I still feel uncomfortable when they laugh at me. -Ashleigh Brilliant (_Pot Shots_) Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id. Of all your repressions be rid. It won't ease the gravity Of all the depravity, But you'll know why you did what you did." -Frank Richards Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are. -Jack Handey 'Deep Thoughts' A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad. -Arnold H. Glasow _The Wall Street Journal_ The cost of living is high, but it's worth it.

-Doug Larson United Feature Syndicate The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. -Mark Twain The very essence of leadership is that you have to have a vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet. -Theodore Hesburgh Putting your best foot forward at least keeps it out of your mouth. -Morris Mandel in _The Jewish Press_ An Idealist believes the short run doesn't count. A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter. A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run determines the long run. -Sydney J. Harris The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The optimist says the glass is half full. The re-engineering person says you have twice as much glass as you need. The wise individual doesn't get too attached to any of life's pleasures, knowing that wonderful science is hard at work proving it's bad for him. -Bill Vaughan Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself. -St. Francis de Sales Taking the bull by the horns is often a sound course of actionas long as you and the bull agree on when you can let go. -Robert Fuoss Bees are very busy souls They have no time for birth controls And that is why in times like these There are so many Sons of Bees.

Another Month Ends All Targets Met All Systems Working All Customers Satisfied All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly -Entry in Weekly Schedule New Zealand Symphony Orchestra It is an illusion to think that more comfort means more happiness. Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, (and) to be needed. -Storm Jameson The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor You can love an organization, but it won't love you back. -Larry Wilson A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly. -Anon If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -Kim 101 Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. -

Southern California Oracle

Gluttony is not a secret vice. -Orson Wells "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher At a lecture on linguistics, the speaker suggested that in English there wasn't the opposite of a double negative, whereby two affirmatives resulted in a negative. Someone from the audience called out "Yeah,

right!" which brought down the house. -quoted in the Electronic AIR Newsletter The reason a lot of people do not recognize opportunity is because it usually goes around wearing overalls and looking too much like hard work. -Thomas Edison A patriotic American likes to discuss the Constitution of the United States despite the fact he has never taken the time to read it. -Anon "Having just returned from 7 months in Japan and Korea, it seems to me today that the main purpose of life is: 1) to have a job in whose ultimate purpose you can believe; 2) to have friends whose immediate purposes you can trust; 3) to have some spot on the earth to which you can return as home; 4) to be at same time a citizen of some larger world. -James A. Michener April 20, 1952 Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. -Descartes, 1637 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -Swan Ertz We should be thankful for the good things we have and, also, for the bad things we don't have. -Anon The TFTD for 1Nov95 was as follows: Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O. This was a thought that came from the Unix Fortune File. TFTD knew it wasn't suitable to go out but enjoyed it so much hinself that it was moved to the bottom of the stack of thoughts in line to be distributed. It happened that TFTD was out of town for nearly a week and then didn't review the list as quickly as needed and the thought went out.

Following is a brief description of a Turing machine from _Introduction to Automata Theory, Languages, and Computation_, by John E.Hopcroft and Jeffrey D. Ullman, 1979, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc. The Turing machine is a simple mathematical model of a computer. Despite its simplicity, the Turing machine models the computing capability of a general-purpose computer. p 146 The basic model ... has a finite control, an input tape that is divided into cells, and a tape head that scans one cell of the tape at a time. The tape has a leftmost cell but is infinite to the right. each cell of the tape may hold exactly one of a finite number of tape symbols. Initially, the n leftmost cells, for some finite n >= 0, hold the input, which is a string of symbols chosen from a subset of the tape symbols called the input symbols. The remaining infinity of cells each hold the blank, which is a special tape symbol that is not an input symbol. In one move the Turing machine, depending upon the symbol scanned by the tape head and the state of the finite control, 1) changes state, 2) prints a symbol on the tape cell scanned, replacing what was written there, and 3) moves its head left or right one cell.

p 148

Please note that there isn't any I/O (input/output) devices such as tapes as we think of them, keyboards, printers, disks, etc. A. M. Turing developed the concept of a Turing machine. So, no way this thought could be funny unless one had labored with the 'one step at a time' computer. TFTD regrets the error. "The object is Toledo, not to follow" -Dan Galvin's Sig File (Dan Galvin - University of Toledo) It seems everything in the world gets more valuable as it agesexcept the human body. -Ken Roesler

War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague The date change to the year 2000 is not that far off. 'For many computer and software systems, the year 2000 will bring a host of problems related to software programs that record the year using only the last two digits.' Following are two of the 51 reasons given for not working on the problem: 19. January 1st 2000 falls on a Saturday and Monday's a holiday... you'll have lots of time over the weekend. 22. You don't thinks it's such a big deal... but you'll have a programmer wear a beeper just in case anything goes wrong. -The Year 2000 Information Center http://www.year2000.com/cgi-bin/clock.cgi Credit is what keeps you from knowing how far past broke you are. -Zingers It has come to our attention that there is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred? I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance. - Socrates Don't insult the gator till you cross the river. -Gladstone E = MC**2 -Albert Einstein Very good Albert, but next time show your work!

C+

John Willingham recently 'found' a letter as it would be written now if Albert were in school. KS #1 is used for the school in a similiar manner to PS #X (Public School) in New York City. Suffice it to say that KS does not always refer to Kansas. -TFTD Dear Mr. and Mrs. Einstein, I've been intending to write you since term's origin, but today Albert broke the paraffin on the jelly, so to speak. He is a strange

child--moody, too self-assured, a little arrogant and pushy. But then you and your other children must have noticed his anti-social behavior. Alfred tells me he's got a "passion" for physics and math; but we as career educators must insist on well-roundedness. A kid sitting through the Lifestyles period and a visit from the school counselor and reading numbers theory, hardly suitable for the kind of well-rounded, socially adjusted, anti-elitist child we are trying--Oh, WOW, how we try!--to produce at KS #1 Elementary. I think you folks better get your act together, or we're dumping Alfred right into the school social worker's lap. You will be asked to pay the heavy costs of professional attention (actually, Mr. and Mrs. Einstein, we are all "professionals" here at KS #1; some of us have done three professional workshops this year, I'll have you know. You are not dealing with hired menials, Mr. and Mrs. Einstein. Every last one of us is a certified member of the N.E.A. and the MO-KAN E.A., and we can break you and your kid if you try to cause trouble), and I'd advise you just to come get the kid right now and take him home with you, lock, stock, and barrel, so to speak. Maybe you could try this "home-teaching" by non-professional parents which might keep Alfred off the streets but will certainly accomplish nothing as far as nurture-learning is concerned. Truly yours, Mrs, Sally Dimwittie, Teacher and Professional Educator Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception of discount priced fruitcakes. -Greenfield, Ind., _Reporter_ Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen -Emo Philips The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better not start writing it. -Dijkstra's Prescription for Programming Inertia What would I have done differently in my 20s and 30s if I had known then what I know now? For one thing, I would have laughed more; seen more Laurel and Hardy movies. And I would have grieved less. I would have understood earlier that not all losses are permanent and that some things lost were not worth keeping. I would have taken more time to note the changing seasons. ("Can you believe it?" an elderly friend asked me one spring day. "Can you believe that even if I live to be a hundred, I will see all this only 100 times?") I would have been more daring. Emotionally daring, that is; in the spirit of Eudora Welty's observation that "all serious daring starts from within." I would have understood sooner how profoundly satisfying the ordinary transactions of daily life can be: the perfect cup of morning coffee; the son shouting down "good night!" from his room; the ginger-colored cat caught napping in a triangle of sunlight. -Alice Steinbach, Baltimore _Sun_ "The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts." -Sheridan There is an Indian belief that everyone is a house of four rooms: a physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual room. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete. -Rumer Godden _House of Four rooms_ (Morrow) How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented? -_Changing Times, The Kiplinger Magazine_ The only difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman is: The used car salesman KNOWS he's lying.

-William L. (Bill) Chase There's no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination that you thought you'd never make. -Spirella Math and alcohol don't mixPlease don't drink and derive. -Anon Qui culpae ignoscit uni suadet pluribus. Pardon one offence and you encourage many. -Publilius Syrus, Sententiae No 587 c. 43 B.C. Anti-Anthropomorphists of the world unite! We have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. -James The road to wisdom? Well, it's plain and simple to express: Err and err and err again but less and less and less. The curtains are drawnbut the rest of the furniture is real. A ship in harbor is safe-but that is not what ships are for. -John A. Shedd Although botanically speaking a fruit, in 1893 the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that tomatoes are a vegetable (and thus taxable under the Tariff Act of 1883) because of the way they are usually served. ref: 1990.

Smithsonian, August,

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. Moderation in temper is always a virture; but moderation in principle is always a vice. -Thomas Paine Why did you bring that book that I didn't want to be read to out of up for? Rules for Academic Deans: (1) HIDE!!!! (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! -- Father Damian C. Fandal "I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true." -Harry Truman If this (Superbowl) is the ultimate game, why are they playing it again next year? -Duane Thomas 1972 Superbowl VI Poor little Willie was a chemist. He isn't a chemist anymore. For what he thought was H O 2 Was H SO . 2 4 Don't mess with anybody who can make a lot more trouble for you than you can make for them. Did you ever notice that "two plus eleven" and "one plus twelve" not only give the same result but use the same letters? -DrPhil Life is like a metaphor.....

I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better. -Sophie Tucker Rule of Failure: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. TFTD sez: If the featured item on the Kid's Menu is Prime RibYou may want to find a less expensive place to do lunch. Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. -John Diefenbaker Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. -Galbraith's Law "Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center." -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. ---------------------------------------------------------Source Comment: The contest is actually for the 'best' first sentence of a novel. It comes from the writings of Lord Bulwer-Lytton who wrote the classic line, 'It was a dark and stormy night;' so beloved of Snoopy in the Peanuts comic strip. The actual first line from _Paul Clifford_ is as follows: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents --except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur. -Vince Lombardi "It's 9:59", said Tom pretentiously. Most of us miss out on life's big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel. Oscars. Tonys. Emmys. But we're all eligible for life's small pleasures. A pat on the back. A kiss behind the ear. A four-pound bass. A full moon. An empty parking space. A crackling fire. A great meal. A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold beer. Don't fret about copping life's grand awards. Enjoy its tiny delights. There are plenty for all of us. published in the Wall Street Journal by United Technologies Corp. Limerick Series There was a yound lady from Kew Whose limericks end at line two There was a young man from Verdun And the third limerick in the series is as follows: George Washington was first in war, first in peace -and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. -Ashley Cooper The difference between theory and practice in practice is greater than the difference between theory and practice in theory. Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "Press On" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. -Calvin Coolidge (Silent Cal?)

It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals. -Chinese proverb Another version of the TFTD for today may be plainer: Avoid suspicion: when walking through your neighbor's melon patch, don't tie your shoe. -Chinese proverb If I could hit it on the head it wouldn't be an estimate. -Dr. Pete Please consider immediately upon return from the grocery store opening any new jar of peanut butter purchased on the trip and consuming at least one teaspoon of the delicacy. This practice ensures that the rest of the jar is fair game the next time you have left-overs!!!!! You will be rewarded for your forethought and planning!! -W.C.R. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James Finagle's Laws of Information: 1. 2. 3. 4.

The The The The

information information information information

you you you you

have is not what want is not what need is not what can obtain costs

you want. you need. you can obtain. more than you want to pay!

Don't order the soup du jour. You never know what it's going to be from one day to the next. -Hugh Mulligan Nothing with a 43 page user's manual is user friendly. -Sally Forth To err is human, to forgive to moo to bleat to oink to howl to bark to purr this list

is divine is bovine is ovine is procine is lupine is canine is feline is assinine.

Commandancy of the Alamo Bejar, Fby 24th 1836-TO THE PEOPLE OF TEXAS & ALL AMERICANS IN THE WORLD Fellow Citizens & Compatriots-I am besieged, by a thousand or more of the Mexicans under Santa Anna--I have sustained a continual Bombardment & cannonade for 24 hours & have not lost a man--The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise the garrison are to be put to the sword, if the fort is taken-- I have answered the demand with a cannon shot, & our flag still waves proudly from the walls-- I _shall never surrender or retreat. Then_ I call on you in the name of Liberty, of patriotism & everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch-- The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily & will no doubt increase to three or four thousand in four or five days. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible & die a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country-_Victory or Death._ _________________ _________________ William Barret Travis Lt. Col. Comdt. ************************ (The Alamo fell on 6 March 1836.) Bill Chase writes that he plans to be more assertive'that is, if it's OK with the group.' It doesn't matter how good an eggs looks. If it smells, there's something wrong. Dieckhoff's Law (According to the character Captain Muller in Jack Higgins' _Night of the Fox_ speaking of 'old Dieckhoff, Chief of Detectives in Hamburg'.) Wouldn't it be nice if the wattage of a car stereo could not exceed the IQ of the driver? Complete this sentence: I never met a man I didn't like a. to cheat.

b. at first. c. to avoid. d. better than you. -Robert Byrne These things I warmly wish for you -Someone to love, some work to do, A bit o' sun, a bit o' cheer, And a guardian angel always near. -Old Irish Greeting Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. He He He He

hadn't hadn't hadn't hadn't

time time time time

to to to to

He hadn't time to He hadn't time to From now on he'll He died today, my

pen a note. cast a vote. sing a song. right a wrong. love or give. really live. have time on end 'busy' friend. -Anon

When Jargons Colide - Computer vs Military Estimated Unit Prices for ISD Items A DIC A0_, MEC 8, with a customer DON and an SN with no ABF/CMDF record, or a customer request without an SN, will process into the DHF with an estimated prce as provided by code table ESTUNPRI., These transactions will appear on the "Processed Transactions not on Transaction Register" listing (PCN-B-ALB-009) after each basic cycle. It has been inferred that the estimated unit price in the DHF can be corrected by processing a DIC AE_ with the same customer number, status code B7, and the proper unit price. Unfortunately, this is not the case. ... -_The Sails Beacon_ Military Procurement Bulletin c. 1970 Truth hurtsnot the searching after; the running from! -John Virgil

You must get involved to have an impact. No one is impressed with the won-loss record of the referee. -John H. Holcomb _The Militant Moderate_ (Rafter) The Pepper and Salt Association wants to turn the English language outside in, wants phrases changed kaboodle and kit. People should listen to roll 'n' rock, eat butter and bread, and travel fro and to. Why? Because what this country needs is a sense of wrong and right, fair play and justice, order and law. There are cons and pros, but true believers will consider it a matter of death and life, a swim or sink proposition. -Press Release Pepper and Salt Association Alabama, Birmingham When you are in any contest, you should work as if there wereto the very last minute- a chance to lose it. This is battle, This is politics, This is anything. -Dwight D. Eisenhower The animal performers [two dogs and a cat in the movie 'Homeward Bound II'] aren't the best we've seen lately, either. They're not as polished as Amy the talking gorilla in 'Congo,' but better than Elizabeth Berkley in 'Showgirls.' Colin Covert (Minneapolis) Star Tribune March 8, 1996 We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -Mark Twain If we were drowning in the ocean and there was (sic) only one life preserver.... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. -Shoebox

Survey Request I normally do not do surveys but the Committee to Investigate Printing Sabotage (CIPS) has requested our assistance. They said, "The over 7,000 readers of TFTD-L, the worldwide range of the group, and the well known fact that TFTD-L people are of much higher than average intelligence make them uniquely qualified to perform this survey." This is the problem. During the printing process of some editions (and printings) of dictionaries deliberate sabotage has taken place. In some cases the word 'gullible' has been left out, in others it has been placed slightly out of alphabetical order. Please perform the following inspection. Check your dictionary and report back to [email protected] using the following format. TFTDI have checked my dictionary and it (does) (does not) contain the word, 'gullible'. If it does contain 'gullible' the word immediately before is __________________ and immediately after is ___________________. My edition is a __________________________ published in ___________. I know CIPS will appreciate your efforts.

-TFTD

Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives. -Willa A. Foster First Law of Political Campaigns: If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown. -Adam Walinsky Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what ELSE is on TV. -Jerry Seinfeld

... I suppose it never hurts to be reminded that none of us are that far away from larceny. Actually, it's the people who make the most righteous moral noises that I worry about the most. -Kinsey Millhone 'H' is for Homicide by Sue Grafton If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I sure have been sharing elevators with a with a lot of very bright people. -Phil Corless Sig File How did the scarecrow know he didn't have a brain? -Lance W. Bledsoe Hold a tight rein over the three T's thought, temper, tongueand you will have few regrets. -Anon He said: God made Adam first because He didn't want any 'suggestions'. She said: God made Adam first, then decided the product could be improved. In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain Here's what I think about government: it's always the same garbage; only the flies change. -Rubem Tobelem Jeep Tour Guide Tijuca Forest, Brazil It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. -Howard Ruff

KnockPlease don't ring doorbell. -Ivan Pavlov Robert's Rule of Order Don't spend your gross salary. Remember that 'average' is simply the best of the poorest and the poorest of the best. -Zingers "Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) They also surf who only stand on waves. If you have any understanding of government at all you will not want us to get involved. -Mayor of Santa Cruz, California (at a City Council meeting) when asked by the "Surfers" to do something about the "Kayakers" who are taking all of their "good waves." If If If If

it's it's it's it's

there not there there not there

and and and and

you you you you

can see it can see it can't see it can't see it

-

it's real. it's virtual. it's transparent. you erased it!

-Old IBM VM Statement (Scott Hammer) If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. -Reverend Chichester If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -Kasspe A dozen, a gross, and a score,

Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. There is no greater loan than an sympathetic ear. -Frank Tyger Proposed shows for a new cable channel targeting information systems professionals. -From the Internet This Old Mainframe - Host Bob Vila revamps a Univac and shows you how you can turn an old PC into a functional doorstep or other decorative object. Name That Software - Contestants attempt to identify well-known business programs by looking at the least number of lines of code. My Three Suns - Neighbors wonder why Steve Douglas keeps three UNIX based work-stations in a suburban neighborhood. Wang Can Cook - Chef Charles Wang blends together software in an incomprehensible manner from companies he's purchased. Studio guests grudingly pay ever higher prices for his creations. (TFTD's personal favorite) Leave it to Spindler - The Spindler tries to earn money by selling apples but finds he can't sell them for as much as he paid for them; tries to make it up in volume. Ward, June and the Board of Directors sigh. WordPerfect Strangers - Larry decides that using groupware would be a good way to meet women, but Balki's laser printer explodes ruining any chances of connectivity. Mayberry CPU - Andy discovers that his digital clock has more intelligence than Goober. Aunt Bee debugs Floyd's electronic cash register. The Honeymooners - Ralph dreams up a way to hit it rich with a 3-D word processor, but it turns out to be vaporware. Ed makes millions creating "Norton's Utilities". Mr. Rom's Neigborhood - Mr. Rom puts young ones to sleep by reading selections from various IBM documentation. Says Me Street - Muppet like forms of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison and Scott McNealy show children how to work and play together on the information highway. Large character known as Big BlueBird is a favorite of the kids although no one really knows why.

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. -Lily Tomlin My uncle ordered popovers from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom as he sat there on that chair: "To eat these things," said my uncle, "You must exercise great care. You may swallow down what's solid, BUT...you must spit out the air!" And as you partake of the world's bill of fare, that's darned good advice to follow. Do a lot of spitting out the hot air. And be careful what you swallow. -Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss) From a commencement address So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever remember his Bible? The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -G.K. Chesterton A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain Perfection is our goal. Excellence will be tolerated. -TQM Motto from the International Association of Business Communication I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. -Steven Wright How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. -Benjamin Disraeli

These days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with the publisher. -Ivern Ball in 'The Wall Street Journal' The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. -Mr. Henry Breckenridge It it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. -Stephen Wright A statesman who keeps his ear permanently glued to the ground will have neither elegance of posture nor flexibility of movement. -Abba Eban What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. -Edward Gibbon All power corrupts, but we need electricity. Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts. -Aristotle I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -A Bit of Fry and Laurie If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.

-Socrates How to Attend a Meeting (Part 2 of Many) (Part 1 has not been distributed on TFTD-L yet.) The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this). At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings. The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting. Just as iron rusts from disuse, even so does inaction spoil the intellect. -Leonardo da Vinci When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor? -H.A.N.D (Have A Nice Day) (http://www.bapp.com/hand/) It is an all-too-human frailty to suppose that a favorable wind will blow forever. -Rick Bode, _First You Have to Row a Little Boat_ Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. We usually see only the things we are looking for-

so much so that we sometimes see them where they are not. -Eric Hoffer, _The Passionate State of Mind_ The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one is priceless. -The Lion The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister" 17.

"Totally Gone With The Wind"

16.

"Lift and Separate"

15.

"Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"

14. "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't Fit in the Plot" 13.

"The Weather Channel: The Movie"

12.

"Schindler's Twist"

11.

"Field of Debris"

10.

"Dead Man Flying"

9.

"I, Cumulus"

8.

"One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

7.

"The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"

6.

"Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"

5.

"Killer Genuine Draft"

4.

"Four Weddings & A Funnel"

3.

"Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"

2.

"A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"

and the Number 1 Rejected Title for the Movie "Twister..." "Roofless in Seattle" -From the Internet (Most recently from Penny Pennington who sent it to approximately half of the world!)

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. -Lily Tomlin If you can't stand solitude,..... maybe you bore others, too. -_The Lion_, Lions Club International Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. Some people suffer in silence louder than others complain. -_The Lion_, Lions Club International We passed only one pig farm. They smell about the same in Indiana as they do in Illinois. -Larry Potter, Sr., Day 33 log of crosscountry bike ride The reasonable man accomodates himself to the ways of the world. The unreasonable man attempts to get the world to accomodate itself to his ways. Progress depends on unreasonable men. -G. B. Shaw A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. Always remember there are certain people who set their watches by your clock.

-Anon Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. -- Charles A. Beard While passing through St. Mary's, MO we rode our bicycles past a monument with the following inscription: Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true. -Monument, St. Marys, MD As reported by Larry Potter, Sr. in 'Day 44 Log, Crosscountry Bike Ride' I received the following interrogation with respect to the TFTD for 2Jul96. >Was it St. Mary's, MISSOURI (as in first line), or St. Mary's, MARYLAND (as >in antepenultimate line)? Due to an unfortunate juxtaposition of circumstances the first line contains the incorrect letter string 'MO' instead of 'MD'. Mr. Potter was within a 1/2 day of finishing his ride in Maryland. Now my high school football coach and algebra teacher would have said, 'I just put that mistake on the board to see if you were paying attention.' However since the request for information was so elegant I really must reply, "c'est plus qu'un crime, c'est une faute." While passing through St. Mary's, MD we rode our bicycles past a monument with the following inscription: Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready

to pay the price to make them come true. -Monument, St. Marys, MD As reported by Larry Potter, Sr. in 'Day 44 Log, Cross-country Bike Ride' (And I am still not sure if it is St. Mary's or St. Marys. An old road atlas that I consulted has it St. Marys so I will continue with having it one way one place and another way in the other.) What might have happened if government bureaucracy were as entrenched then as it is now. Think about it. ---------------------------------------------------The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1.

In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2.

In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3.

You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not

be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. of

"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals

your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers

in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. of

You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive

these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7.

Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States,"

and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How costeffective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9.

You must include an evaluation design. since Queen Anne's War.

We have been requiring this

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due

date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. original signatures will be required.

Ten copies with

Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown Americans have always attached particular value to the word "neighbor." While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many. -Lady Bird Johnson, _The President's Lady_ by Marie Smith (Random House) PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--LOOK. -Robert Fulghum "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" The clock that is five minutes fast is seldom corrected at quitting time. Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. Part 1/3

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. Part 2/3 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. Notes: Item 17. (Reworded in the interest of PC.) For individuals of the same height who apply an equal amount of cleaning product per square unit measure of skin, the one with the greatest amount of epidermis will consume the most soap. Item 19. (TFTD promised no editing of the items that come from EINTKILICA but mathematical items do need to be addressed.) Given a sufficently long life span, approximately one seventh of your life is spent on Monday. Or metaphysically speaking perhaps the amount of time that one spends on 'Mondays' is somewhat up to the individual. Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. Part 3/3 21. serious. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. Never pass a snow plow on the right. We are here on earth to do good to others....... What the others are here for, I do not know. -W. H. Auden The problem with trying to 'reinvent government' is this: First you have to appoint a commission to study the problem. The commission will then hire a staff. The staff will hire assistants. The assistants will ...

-Adapted from a Robert Orben quote concerning 'trying to halt the growth of bureaucracy' When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door, we do not see the ones which open for us. -A.G. Bell There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right. -Thomas Paine Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to the Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules - and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. -Ransom L. Ferm Mason to Dixon: 'You gotta draw the line someplace.' It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. -H.L.Mencken The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. -Peter F. Drucker Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d).

Tail lights are used in some foreign

countries to signal turns. Don't Don't Don't Don't

LOOK at anything in TASTE anything in a SMELL anything in a TOUCH anything in a

a physics lab. chemistry lab. biology lab. medical lab.

and, most importantly, Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department. -Bill Lye If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above everything. -Confucius If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. Mophobia, n.:

Fear of being verbally abused by a Missourian!

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an achievement. -MIT job ad A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?". A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says

"If you don't know I'm not going to tell you." -Katherine S. Beamer In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins-not through strength but by perserverance. -H. Jackson Brown _A Father's Book of Wisdom_ Rutledge Hill A half truth is a whole lie. -Yiddish proverb Dear Dr. Science, In using a commercial software package, I recently got the following error message "Attempting to use transgressed handle. Error 6 repeating error 6". It kept this up until I turned the machine off. Are they trying to drive me insane, or are they crazy? ------------------- Frank Zucker, PhD, Seattle, WA Both. Anybody who'd purchase software over the counter is asking for trouble. I won't use anything I haven't programmed myself, usually in a highly sophisticated language called "Psychospeak 5.2", which to the unaided eye appears to be an endless string of random numbers. This is because it actually is an endless string of random numbers, punctuated by phone numbers of friends and relatives, just to introduce some order into chaos. It's a spreadsheet, it's a word processing program, it's a fax/modem, depending on my state of mind while operating it. I'd send you a copy, but it's copy protected, and besides, unless you have 256 megabytes of RAM and one heck of a hard drive, your computer would probably blow up. -----------------------------Ask Dr. Science http://www.drscience.com Copyright 1996 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre All rights reserved. Q: A:

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem

to the earlier joke. When the outcome of a meeting is to have another meeting, it has been a lousy meeting. -Herbert Clark Hoover We asked the Secret Service if we could get up on the roofs and they said, 'Sure but we'll probably shoot you off.' That cooled our enthusiasm considerably. -James Giles Network Designer 1988 Democratic National Convention Why not move the political conventions to one of the winter months so all that hot air won't go to waste? -Anon It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time. Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. -Senator Eugene McCarthy Q: A:

Why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.

Q: A:

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks. I would like to be allowed to admire a man's opinion as I would his dog without being expected to take it home with me. -Frank A. Clark Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casketsafe, dark, motionless, airlessit will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love is to be vulnerable. -C.S. Lewis _The Four Loves_, (Fount Paperbacks) A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. -James Dent We make a mistake assessing an election campaign as if we were judging a prize fight- focusing only on the skills of the contestants and what is happening in the ring. An election more resembles the process at an art auction. To determine whether bidders will prefer a Rembrandt or a Picasso, you need to factor in the taste of the customerstheir beliefs, their values. Indeed, the value of a painting- or the quality of a candidatelies in the beholder. -Alan Baron My foreman thinks I have more ability than I think I have. So I consistently do better work than I thought I could do. -Letter in GM Employee Contest _My Job and Why I Like It_ Wouldn't life be much simpler, if people just changed color along with their mood? -Penny Thoughts My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. -Orson Welles It's amazing how when I'm out of sorts everyone around me turns into an idiot. -Penny's Thought It It It It It

takes takes takes takes takes

a minute to write a safety rule. an hour to hold a meeting. a week to develop a safety program. a month to put it into operation. a year to win a safety award.

It takes a lifetime to train a safe worker. It takes one second to destroy it all with one accident. -Penny's Thought My job is not all that difficult, but I do have to know the entire alphabet. -Vanna White Suspicions Confirmed (Lawyers and Work) This is an early retirement for economic reasons, and he is going to spend the next few months taking it easy. After that he may or may not go back to work or he may practice law. -James Frances, Chairman Texas Public Safety Commission speaking of COL James Wilson, retiring Director of the Texas Department of Public Safety "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant To err is human-and to blame on a computer is even more so. -Orben There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the real labor of thinking. -Sir Joshua Reynolds This sentance has three erors. ..., the wise man should always follow the roads that have been trodden by the great, and imitate those who have most excelled, so that if he cannot reach their perfection, he may at least acquire something of its savour. Acting in this like the skilful archer, who seeing that the object he would hit is distant, and knowing the range of his bow, takes aim much above the destined mark; not designing that his arrow should stike so high, but that flying high it may alight at the point intended. -The Prince Niccolo Machiavelli "Playing tight end", Tom was told soberly.

Sometimes the burning questions of life _are_ answered. Answer provided by Fred (just call me winner at the Alamo) Colunga. Original question follows: "Where is my wide receiver?", Tom asked endlessly. The was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch22, and let out a respectful whistle. -Joeseph Heller Too many of us are like wheelbarrows-useful only when pushed and easily upset. -Anon It doesn't matter if you win or lose,... until you lose. -Angie Papadakis The problem with doing something right the first time is that no one knows how difficult it was. Anon It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy.... It's only necessary to be rich. -Alan Alda Nothing is so useless as a general maxim. -Thomas Macaulay Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun All extremists should be taken out and shot. Dear Dr. Science,

When I go to the airport, I see the carousel at the baggage claim area. Why can't people ride on the carousel and go around until they arrive at their baggage? ------------------- Bob Pease, Pacifica, CA That was the original intention of the carousel designers. But then someone at the FAA thought passengers might have so much fun that air travel itself would pale in comparison. People would begin sneaking into airports just to ride the luggage carousel. Only in Belgium and Uruguay do airports encourage passengers to use the carousel for its intended purpose. Today's reminder of the luggage carousel's circus origin is the alarm that sounds when it starts up and the substitution of the white courtesy telephone for the brass ring. ------------------------------You're reading the Dr. Science Question of the day. Send questions for Dr. Science to [email protected] and visit him in his virtual laboratory at http://www.drscience.com. All Dr. Science material Copyright 1996 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. All rights reserved. The Ask Dr. Science's maillist and web site are sponsored by the fine folks at Internet Direct. Visit them at http://www.gosite.com. Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. -Benjamin Franklin

Stay out of the sunlight lest it give you skin cancer.... -Anonymous 1990's dermatologist Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches. -Robert Orben

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -Walt Kelly, "Pogo" People with tact have less to retract. -Arnold H. Glasow Of course, there must be subtleties. Just make sure you make them obvious. -Billy Wilder I have learned to use the word _impossible_ with the greatest caution. -Wernher von Braun Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy Nothing can keep an argument going like two persons who aren't sure what they're arguing about. -O.A. Battista I don't have to take this abuse from you -I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. -Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" If I was able to fix it, it must have been broke! -Anon The MOST PLEASANT and useful persons are those who leave some of the problems of the universe for God to worry about. -Don Marquis, _The Almost Perfect State_ Technology is so helpful and powerful .... until someone trips over the electrical cord. -Travis Collins After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. I never, ever say "I can't" about anything.

I might say "I don't have the authority to make that decision" or "Building A is too heavy for me to lift" or "I will need training before I pilot that space shuttle." -Mike Huber on Techwr-L When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. -Floating Around the Internet Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" Several people pointed out that this isn't a _Fictitious_ title but a real one. Here is one response: Yo Dan, The first Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks record on Epic featured a song called "How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?" I used to do it with my folk-rock band in college. Here's the chorus: >> How can I miss you when you won't go away? I keep tellin' you, day after day. But you don't listen, no you only stay and stay. Hey... How can I miss you when you won't go away? << Paul ---------------------------------------------------------Paul Corr, Webmaster http://www.allegheny.edu/ Item 1. TFTD believes he has the tune to it in his head. However you are very lucky in that TFTD _isn't_ going to sing it and post on realaudio. Item 2. would

To the person who was a little 'snippy' about the mistake I like to quote the following:

An issue of the TCU Band's "Froghorn" newsletter once included this disclaimer: "You may have noticed some mistakes in this issue. This is because we try to have something for everyone, and some people are always

looking for mistakes." When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. -Floating Around the Internet ******* Several people have asked what is the meaning of the second line. I checked it to my satisfaction before sending it out to be sure that what I sent was up to the publishing standards of TFTD. A partial 'step by step' is given as Solution 1. Solution 2 was sent in by one of the interested readers of TFTD who obviously wanted to help TFTD not get the big head. Solution 1. 1. Had to assume that if it were a real cipher it had to be a simple one because of the short length. 2.

The 'sentence' had the familiar form of If ________ is outlawed, only _______ will have ______.

3. The first, third and fourth words (bayl right letter lengths. 4.

only |||| i->v, bayl that

jvyy unir)

have the

will ||||

have ||||

gives b->o, a->n, y->l, j->w, v->i, u->h, n->a,

jvyy

unir

and r->e

The repeating y's matching indicate

the value for a symbol remains the same. 5.

Substituing the letters determined from the above gives us:

only o _ _ law _ bayl bhgynjf

will have jvyy unir

_ _ i v a _ _ cevinpl

6. Noting that a-n, n-a, and v-i, i-v we can assume that all pairs are reversable and thus only ou _ law _ bayl bhgynjf 7.

will have _ ri v a _ y jvyy unir cevinpl

Or, without even needing to buy a vowel,

only outlaws will have privacy. 8. The c p pair continue to follow the pattern so will assume this is the

solution to the puzzle. Solution #2.

According to Hoyle

Re. today's thought: > > > > >

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. -Floating Around the Internet

Cute enough undecoded, but I wonder how many of your loyal subscribers realize that if you run the scrambled line through the common Internet en/de-coder rot13, you get: only outlaws will have privacy. (that is the code that pairs letters as follows: abcdefghijklm ||||||||||||| nopqrstuvwxyz -Pete Hoyle - William & Mary Technology Services Computing Support [email protected] Obviously, where art has it over life is in the matter of editing. Life can be seen to suffer from a drastic lack of editing. It stops too quick, or else it goes on too long. Worse, its pacing is erratic. Some chapters are little more than a few sentences in length, while others stretch into volumes. Life, for all its raw talent, has little sense of structure. It creates amazing textures, but it can't be counted on for snappy beginnings or good endings either. Indeed, in many cases no ending is provided at all. -Larry McMurtry _Film Flam_ According to the latest official figures, 43.28% of all statistics are totally useless. -Mike Waters Parenting is like wallpaperingwhen you know how you are finished! -Mullens A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way. -John Tudor

I would like to take you seriously but to do so would affront your intelligence. -William F. Buckley, Jr. Favorite shovelDon't heave loam without it. -Marl Kalden The next time you feel the urge to procrastinate... just put it off. -_The Lion_, Lions Club International You can never bid too much at an auction. -Joe Keefhaver Executive Vice President National Auctioneers Association Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" The mind is never blank, if it were, how would you know? -Ed Foreman TASSCC Conference July 94 Ft. Worth, TX Treat the media as you would any other watchdog. Stay calm, be friendly, let them sniff your hand and never turn your back. -Amy Sprinkles Public Information Officer City of Grand Prairie (TX) "Two ballots please, I'm from Chicago." -From the Henry Cate, III Life Collection We will all be better citizens when the voting records of our Congressmen are followed as carefuly as scores of pro-football games.

-Lou Erickson "The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever." How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? -Nigel Rees A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain Perfection is our goal. Excellence will be tolerated. -TQM Motto from the International Association of Business Communication I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. -Steven Wright The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -G.K. Chesterton Gesta Romanorum. ... mundus suis servitoribus reddit mercedem (See how the world its veterans rewards.) -Alexander Pope: Moral Essays, epistle 1, line 243. Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. -- Steve Rubenstein How the end of the world will be reported: USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer:

O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.

TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE. Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE! -Floating Around the Internet Penny Pennington Seek not every quality in one individual. -Confucius Sweep first before your own door, before you sweep the doorsteps of your neighbors.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow

Now

Dear Dr. Science, Since being elected to public office, I've found that I enjoy running. Problem is, little rocks find their way into my running shoes. I never had this problem before I got involved in politics. What can I do to stop this from happening? ------------------- Tom DeWolfe, Bend, OR Appoint a committee to spend a year studying the problem, then an hire an outside consultant to spend another year reviewing the committee's findings. Take a year or more to study the consultant's review of the committee's work, then put the whole matter on the back burner while you devote all your energies to getting re-elected. Once you're re-elected, this whole gravel in the running shoe thing will be old business and neither you nor your constituents will have the slightest interest in dredging up something they were bored by four years earlier. If you're going to take up running, wear huaraches, like the Tarahumara of Northwestern Mexico. The pebbles slip right out while you run and, since they're made out of old tires, they last forever! ------------------------------You're reading the Dr. Science Question of the day. Send questions for Dr. Science to [email protected] and visit him in his virtual laboratory at http://www.drscience.com. All Dr. Science material Copyright 1996 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. All rights reserved. It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. -John Andrew Holme Spellbound by Janet Minor I have a spelling checker,

It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your pleased too no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew. Latest lingo (webster is strongly considering adding these to his book). Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." Link Rot The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die. World Wide Wait The real meaning of WWW. CGI Joe A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Glazing Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?" 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man." Egosurfing Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name. Cobweb Site A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page. Keyboard Plaque The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque." Career-Limiting Move (CLM) Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Elvis Year The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." Alpha Geek The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." Tourists People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Gray Matter Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established. Beepilepsy The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. -From the Internet Were we to be directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap we should soon want bread. -Thomas Jefferson We should be thankful for the good things we have and, also, for the bad things we don't have. -Anon It's not my place To run the train The whistle I can't blow It's not my place To say how far The train's allowed to go It's not my place To shoot off steam Nor even clang the bell But let the train once Jump the track.... Then see who catches hell. -On the wall of the Stationmaster's Office, Grand Central Terminal (Also seen in Korea circa 1965 at an especially appropriate moment.)

7 Habits of Ineffective Executives The second rate executive... 1. Believes that forming a committee is the same thing as making a decision. 2. Considers talking to the limo driver to be "getting in touch with the real world." 3. Thinks that bragging about how much money he or she makes will increase your respect for him or her. 4. Believes that saying, "It's your decision, but if it were up to me..." is delegating authority. 5. Thinks that repeatedly reminding you how lucky you are will make you appreciate your job. 6. Believes that hanging up a sign about employee morale will improve morale. 7. Sees the logic of repeatedly interrupting your work to make sure you are working. -Dale Dauten, columnist, The Chicago Tribune, 4/24/95. (Most recently in Archie Kregear's QOTD) Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. Sometimes what you forget doesn't bother you as much as what you remember. -Yoonja Hwang The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. -Unknown A Parable for Our Times Well I am going to tell a story today. It is a story told by a man named Tony Compolo. Tony is a Christian, a sociologist, a college professor and a gifted speaker, so he gets asked to go and give presentations all over the place. One time he was called from his east coast home to go to Honolulu. Now if you have ever flown from the East coast to Honolulu you know what happens to your time clock. He was in the hotel the first night and he woke up, wide awake, a little bit before 3 in the morning. His body said "It is 9 o'clock, time for breakfast," so he got dressed and went downstairs. Nothing was open so he went outside from the hotel and wandered around a bit until he found a place, a diner, a real greasy spoon -- one of those places where you are afraid to open the menu because you're not sure what might crawl out? And there he was in that place, no one else was there. He ordered a cup of coffee, and then, in a weak moment, he also ordered a donut. And then this rather obese, unkempt, unshaven man --

named Harry -- that was working behind the counter came out, wiped his hands on his dirty apron, reached into the jar and gave Tony a donut. Tony wished Harry had given it to him in a different way, and yet there he was. So he was sitting back, musing to himself and drinking his coffee and eating his donut when the door suddenly burst open and 8 or 9 rather boisterous prostitutes came in. Now Tony was even more uncomfortable. They sat down at the counter next to him, because there wasn't any other place, and he drank his coffee, tried to look inconspicuous, and listened to the conversation. And one of the women said, "Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 39." And her friend said, "So what do you want from me? I suppose you want a party or something, maybe you want me to bake you a cake?" And this woman, whom he later found was named Agnes, said, "Why are you so mean? I don't want anything from you. Why would I want anything from you? I've never had a birthday party, and no one has ever baked me a cake, and why would I want anything from you? Be quiet." Right then Tony got an inspiration. Soon the ladies left and he said to Harry, behind the counter, "Say do they come in here every night?" and he said, "Yes they do." And he said, "This one next to me?" and Harry said, "You mean Agnes?" and Tony said, "Yes, that's the one, does she come in every night?" And Harry said, "Same time just like clock work every night she is here." So Tony said, "What about if we throw a party for her, a birthday party? Tomorrow's her birthday." Harry began to smile a little bit and called to his wife who was back in the kitchen cooking, and said, "Hey, this crazy guy out here wants to have a birthday party for Agnes." And they said what a wonderful idea! So the plans were made and everything was set for the party. The next night Tony came back to the same place, same time, and the place was decorated with crepe paper, and the sign on the wall said, "Happy Birthday Agnes." It was cleaned up and it looked like a different place. They sat down and waited and pretty soon people began to trickle in. The word had gotten out on the street, prostitutes from all over Honolulu were filling up the place. The place was full and at about the appointed time Agnes and her friends came bursting through the door and they said "Happy Birthday, Agnes." Her knees buckled a bit, her friends caught her and she was stunned, speechless, touched. They led her over to the counter and she sat down. They said to her again "Happy Birthday," and Harry brought the cake out and her mouth fell open and her eyes began to fill with tears. They put the cake down in front of her, they sang happy birthday to her and Harry said, "Blow the candles out so we can have some." Agnes just stared at that cake. Finally they convinced her to blow the candles out and Harry handed her a knife and told her to cut the>cake. She looked at it and said, "Do I have to? let me wait a minute." And Agnes looked at that cake, so lovingly, like it was the most precious thing she had ever seen, a sacrament of love for her, and she said, "Do I have to cut it?" And Harry said, "Well, no, I suppose you don't have to cut it." And then she said something even more strange. She said, "I would like to keep it for awhile - I don't live far from here. Can I take it home? I'll be right back." They looked at her with a puzzled look on their faces and said, "Sure, you can take it." She picked the cake up and Tony said she carried it like she was carrying the Holy Grail in a sacred Cathedral and she walked out the door. There was silence,

stunned silence, and Tony said he did something on the spur of the moment that he wondered about. He stood up and said, "What do you say that we pray?" Now what an improbable picture this is. A Christian sociologist surrounded by every prostitute in Honolulu in a greasy spoon diner and he says, let us pray. But he did. A simple prayer. He prayed for Agnes that somehow she would meet Jesus, that somehow she would find salvation and that God would be good to her, especially on her birthday. He said Amen and the party resumed. Harry said to him, "Hey, I didn't know you were a preacher." And Tony answered, "I'm not a preacher, I'm a sociologist." And Harry said, "Well what kind of a church do you come from anyway?" Tony, inspired by God's spirit, said, "I guess I come from a church that throws birthday parties for prostitutes at 3 o'clock in the morning." And Harry said, "No you don't, there's no such church like that, cause if there was," he said, "I would join it." -This story is retyped from the Episcopal Voice, November 1994, the newspaper of the Diocese of Olympia, in Western Washington. It was included in the homily given by the Reverend Don Mackay, Rector of St. John's, Kirkland, at our recent Diocesan Convention. Submitted by Lynn Adam member of St. Paul's Seattle, [email protected], via Elliott Mitchell. Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it. Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Todos tenemos que sonar, y pobresito el que ya no puede porque ya se perdio para siempre. -Don Carlos Ramon All of us must dream, and pitiable is he who can no longer do so, because he has been lost forever. -Don Carlos Ramon sonar~ over the n perdioaccent over the o Ramon- accent over the o Procrastinators have the advantage of working with the very latest data available. -Tom Talley Urgent:

Famous Reindeer Terminated

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.

He could

not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated; - The three French hens will remain intact. loves the French;

After all, everyone

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long

they talked; - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order; - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one; - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement; - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. expense of international air travel Committee to suggest replacing this congressmen. While leaping ability the savings are significant because unemployed congressmen this year;

The high cost of Lords plus the prompted the Compensation group with ten out-of-work may be somewhat sacrificed, we expect an oversupply of

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line; We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.

If we can

drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-asuing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Happy Holidays! (TFTD received two sightly different versions of this work. Thanks to Vicky and to Bob for sending it.) (actually three now- Thanks Richard) My uncle ordered popovers from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom as he sat there on that chair: "To eat these things," said my uncle, "You must exercise great care. You may swallow down what's solid, BUT...you must spit out the air!" And as you partake of the world's bill of fare, that's darned good advice to follow. Do a lot of spitting out the hot air. And be careful what you swallow. -Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss) From a commencement address 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by a technical writer for a firm that does Gov't contracting... 'Twas The Night Before Christmas 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended

such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly

lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." Everything must degenerate into work if anything is to happen. -Peter Drucker ends Dec 96